Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 21 - Semi-Decent Proposal - full transcript

YOU'RE SURE DAPHNE
WILL LIKE THIS ONE?

IT'S PERFECT, NILES. L-LOOK,
IT EVEN SAYS ON THE BOX,

"FOR THE PERFECT D.V.D.
VIEWING EXPERIENCE." ALL RIGHT?

WHAT DO YOU SUPPOSE
"MULTI-ANGLE CAPABILITY" MEANS?

WELL, IT MEANS THAT THE REMOTE
CONTROL WILL RESPOND FROM ANY ANGLE.

NOT TO INTRUDE, BUT
ACTUALLY IT MEANS

YOU CAN SEE A SCENE FROM
DIFFERENT CAMERA ANGLES.

OH, THANK YOU.

OH, I... I WAS JUST,
UH, TEASING HIM.

YOU SEE, MY BROTHER IS
TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED.

I-IF YOU'RE, UH, NEW TO D.V.D.,



YOU MIGHT WANNA RENT THE
DIRECTOR'S CUT OF DAS BOOT.

IT'S AMAZING. I MEAN, IF
YOU DON'T MIND SUBTITLES.

MIND THEM?

I PREFER THEM.

IN FACT, I... I DO SPEAK
A... A BIT OF GERMAN.

SO IN THIS CASE, THEY MIGHT
ACTUALLY BE A DISTRACTION.

[laughing]

REALLY? MMM.

I SPEAK GERMAN, TOO.

YOU KNOW, IF ANYONE'S
TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED, IT'S YOU.

HE'S A BIT DEFENSIVE.

[both speaking in German]

[speaks German]

YOU THOUGHT YOUR C.D.-ROM
DRIVE WAS A CUP HOLDER.



THANKS A LOT. I WAS
INTERESTED IN HER.

WELL, HOW WAS I
SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

I WAS SPEAKING GERMAN.

OH, YES. THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE.

OH DEAR, IT'S LANA, IT'S
LANA. WHERE, WHERE?

OH, MY GOD, NO, NO, JUST
TURN AROUND, TURN AROUND!

I DON'T KNOW WHY THE
WOMAN FRIGHTENS ME.

WELL, SHE SHOULD FRIGHTEN
YOU. SHE WAS PROM QUEEN.

OH, HI. SORRY, IT TOOK ME
FOREVER TO FIND A PARKING SPOT.

THANKS.

FRASIER.

LANA.

UH, LOOK, NILES,
IT'S... IT'S LANA.

[giggling] HI, LANA.

OH, HI. OH, THIS IS MY
FRIEND, CLAIRE FRENCH.

FRASIER CRANE,
HIS BROTHER NILES.

WE'VE KNOWN EACH
OTHER SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

YES, WE'VE ALREADY MET.

UH, GUTEN TAG, CLAIRE.

I KNEW I RECOGNIZED YOUR VOICE.

YOU'RE ON THE RADIO.

YES, YES. WELL, I'M FLATTERED
THAT YOU'VE LISTENED.

YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN HIM IN HIGH SCHOOL.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN
YOU PETITIONED THE SCHOOL

TO HAVE INTERPRETIVE
DANCE ADDED TO GYM CLASS?

OH, IS THAT A C.D.
ORGANIZER? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, I NEED ONE OF THOSE
MYSELF, EXCUSE ME.

SO, NILES, HOW'S THINGS?

[snorting]

[nervously] THINGS ARE GOOD.

ARE YOU MARRIED NOW?

NO, NO. I WAS, BUT,
UH, I'M NOT NOW.

BUT I'M GOIN' WITH SOMEONE.

NEXT.

OH, YES, I NEED TO RETURN THIS.

OH, IT'S SCRATCHED.

WELL, IT WAS LIKE
THAT WHEN I BOUGHT IT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT MUCH OF A...

A FAUX-WALNUT GRAIN ENTHUSIAST.

UH...

UH, FRASIER, I... I WANTED
TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

SATURDAY NIGHT, ARE YOU FREE?

ONLY WITH A COUPON.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

WELL, A BUNCH OF US ARE THROWING
A SURPRISE PARTY FOR LANA.

I WAS WONDERING IF
YOU COULD BRING HER.

WELL, I'M... I'M NOT SURE I'M
THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THIS.

YOU SEE, LAST YEAR, LANA AND I
DATED FOR A BRIEF PERIOD AND, UH,

WELL, THINGS JUST
DIDN'T... DIDN'T WORK OUT.

I MEAN, DON'T GET ME WRONG. IT'S
NOT THAT SHE ISN'T A LOVELY PERSON.

NEXT. I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S
ASS ABOUT YOUR POLICY!

GET ME YOUR MANAGER!

PERHAPS YOU COULD
ASK SOMEONE ELSE.

COME ON, JUST ASK
HER OUT AS A FRIEND.

ONCE YOU'RE THERE,
YOU CAN LEAVE...

OR STAY.

(Lana) ARE YOU
CALLING ME A LIAR?

DON'T BUY ANYTHING
HERE, THE SERVICE SUCKS!

WELL, IT IS HER BIRTHDAY.

RED WIRE, RED WIRE,
WHERE DO YOU GO?

OH, HERE WE ARE.

[feedback shrieks]

UH, MAYBE THE RED WIRE'S EXTRA.

NILES, HAND ME THAT
YELLOW ONE, WILL YOU?

OOH.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

OH, DAPHNE PUNCHED ME
IN HER SLEEP LAST NIGHT.

HONESTLY, SHE IS THE MOST
AGGRESSIVE SLEEPER I HAVE EVER KNOWN.

WOW. AND YOU
BEING A PSYCHIATRIST,

YOU PROBABLY THINK
SHE'S ACTING OUT

SOME FORM OF REPRESSED
HOSTILITY TOWARDS YOU, HUH?

THAT WAS THE FURTHEST
THING FROM MY MIND.

UNTIL NOW.

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SOUNDS TO ME LIKE YOU GUYS ARE
STILL FINDING YOUR SLEEPING GROOVE.

SLEEPING GROOVE?

YEAH. FIRST 6 MONTHS YOUR
MOTHER AND I WERE TOGETHER,

WE WERE LIKE DEMPSEY AND TUNNEY.

[laughing]

YOU SEE, DEMPSEY
AND TUNNEY WERE...

OH, DAD, PLEASE, I KNOW A LITTLE
SOMETHING ABOUT VAUDEVILLE.

I'VE GOT OUR MOVIE.

OH, KNOCK IT OFF!

I TOLD YOU I WAS SORRY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?

YEAH, IT'S GOT EVERYTHING.
ACTION, ROMANCE, AND HUMOR.

I MEAN, WHO'S FUNNIER
THAN ROGER RABBIT?

NO ONE?

EXACTLY.

WELL, I'M OFF TO PICK UP LANA.

YOU'RE ODDLY CHIPPER ABOUT IT.

WELL, OF COURSE, I AM, NILES.

THE SOONER I DELIVER
HER TO THE SURPRISE PARTY,

THE SOONER I CAN CAST
MY NET OF ROMANCE

OVER A BUTTERFLY NAMED CLAIRE.

NOW, I'VE GOT A GOOD
FEELING ABOUT THIS ONE.

OH, FRASIER, YOU ALWAYS
HAVE A GOOD FEELING.

YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE PERFECT,

AND THEN WHEN SHE TURNS OUT
NOT TO BE THE KIERKEGAARD-READING,

SOUFFLE-BAKING,
HAIKU-WRITING CELLIST,

YOU'RE DISAPPOINTED. YOU
HAVE TO LEARN TO SETTLE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

HAVE FUN, NILES.

OH, HI.

OH, ROZ, HI.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
OH, JUST TO A LITTLE PARTY.

HAVE A GOOD TIME. BYE.

HEY, EVERYBODY. AM I TOO LATE?

NO, YOU'RE PERFECT. WE'RE
ALL HOOKED UP AND READY TO GO.

GREAT. I BROUGHT CADDYSHACK.

WHO'S FUNNIER THAN THAT GOPHER?

ROGER RABBIT, THAT'S WHO.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT MY MOVIE, THE
LONGEST DAY? IT'S GOT D-DAY AND THE DUKE.

WHOA, THAT IS AN
EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES.

EACH MOVIE MORE
APPEALING THAN THE LAST.

WELL, PERHAPS THERE'S
A HAPPY COMPROMISE

IN THE UNBEARABLE
LIGHTNESS OF BEING.

WELL, THAT WOULD BE A HAPPY
COMPROMISE EXCEPT FOR ONE THING.

BORING!

[feedback shrieks]

I THINK WE SHOULD
USE THE MANUAL.

I DON'T NEED A MANUAL.

I NEED A PAIR OF WIRE
STRIPPERS, A HAMMER, AND A BEER.

ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WHILE HE'S DOING THAT,

I JUST HAVE TO
POSE THE QUESTION:

WHO'S FUNNIER THAN
DANIEL DAY-LEWIS?

[car engine running]

YOU LOOK LOVELY TONIGHT.

THANK YOU. YOU LOOK NICE, TOO.

LOOK, I'M GONNA BE REAL DIRECT.

WE'RE JUST 2 GOOD FRIENDS
GOING OUT FOR DINNER, OK?

OF COURSE.

I ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU
WENT A LITTLE HEAVY ON THE COLOGNE

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO
HAVE ANY EXPECTATIONS.

I HAVE NOTHING OF THE SORT.

AND BY THE WAY,
IT'S SCENTED SOAP.

GOOD.

I MEAN, I ONLY ACCEPTED BECAUSE

IT REALLY SOUNDED LIKE
YOU COULD USE A NIGHT OUT.

BUT I DON'T WANT
SOME AWKWARD SCENE

WHERE YOU TRY
TO GET IN MY PANTS.

I ASSURE YOU, THERE
WILL BE NO SUCH SCENE.

GREAT.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, I HAVE TOO
MUCH TO DRINK AND I CHANGE MY MIND.

[laughing]

SO, HOW ARE THOSE
KIDS OF YOURS DOING?

OH, MY YOUNGEST IS GOOD.
HE'S IN THE 9TH GRADE.

BUT KIRBY...

IF HE DOESN'T PASS U.S. HISTORY,
HE'S NOT GONNA GRADUATE.

WELL, HAVE YOU
CONSIDERED GETTING A TUTOR?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

YOU USED TO DO THAT SORT OF
THING IN HIGH SCHOOL, DIDN'T YOU?

WELL, YES, YES, I... I... I DID.

AND I... I WOULD DO IT
FOR KIRBY IN A HEARTBEAT.

IT'S JUST THAT I'M ASKED
A LOT AND IF I HELPED HIM,

WELL, THEN I'D HAVE
TO DO IT FOR EVERYONE

AND I'D HATE TO OPEN THOSE
FLOODGATES. YOU UNDERSTAND.

YEAH.

I MEAN, MY EX IS THE
ONE I SHOULD BE ASKING,

BUT THAT WOULD
BE A WASTE OF TIME.

HE DOESN'T HELP
OUT WITH THE KIDS?

NO, THE ONLY KID HE
HAS TIME FOR IS KATHY,

HIS 22-YEAR OLD RECEPTIONIST.

IT'S SICKENING.

MIND IF I SMOKE?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I...

I'LL JUST CRACK A WINDOW.

YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD YOU
ASKED ME OUT TONIGHT.

TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY.

REALLY? WELL, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HARDLY.

THAT'S THE DAY BOB AND KATHY
HAVE CHOSEN TO GET MARRIED.

IN TAHITI.

SOME BIRTHDAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S GOOD, TONIGHT'LL
GET MY MIND OFF OF IT.

JUST PROMISE ME THAT I WON'T
EVEN HEAR THE WORD "BIRTHDAY"

FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT, OK?

ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, MAYBE A...
A BIG CELEBRATION

WOULD BE THE BEST REVENGE.

WHAT AM I CELEBRATING?

THE FACT THAT I'M
BECOMING AN OLD TROT,

AND NO ONE'S EVER
GONNA LOVE ME AGAIN?

OH, GOD! JUST SHUT UP.

AREN'T WE GOING TO BELLA LUCIA?

WELL, ACTUALLY I... I KNOW
THIS LITTLE THAI PLACE

THAT I THINK WILL BE BETTER.

WELL, WERE YOU EVEN GONNA
ASK ME? I HATE THAI FOOD.

TYPICAL MAN, "I LIKE THAI FOOD
SO SHE MUST LIKE THAI FOOD."

[tires screeching]

ALL RIGHT.

BELLA LUCIA IT IS.

I'M SORRY, I'M...
I'M BEING SNAPPY.

IT'S JUST...

I...

I GUESS I JUST ALWAYS THOUGHT

THAT I'D BE THE ONE WHO GOT
REMARRIED FIRST, YOU KNOW?

NOW EVERYBODY'S JUST
GONNA FEEL SORRY FOR ME.

OH, GOD, I HOPE I DON'T RUN
INTO ANYBODY I KNOW TONIGHT.

AND...

YOU'RE NOT A TYPICAL MAN.

YOU'RE VERY THOUGHTFUL.
YOU FORGIVE ME?

YES, I'M AFRAID I DO.

THANKS.

OH, GOSH.

YOU KNOW, I... I DO KNOW
ANOTHER LITTLE ITALIAN PLACE

THAT I THINK YOU MIGHT REALLY
ENJOY JUST AS MUCH AND...

WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

GREAT, SOUNDS GREAT.

OK.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, AS MUCH AS I
HATE THE THOUGHT OF MY BIRTHDAY,

I'M KIND OF HURT THAT NONE OF MY
FRIENDS ASKED ME TO DO ANYTHING.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE
I WANTED A PARTY,

BUT, WELL, SOMETHING
WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

OK, OK, FRASIER, YOU KNOW WHAT?

JUST BECAUSE I'M VULNERABLE
DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE GETTING SOME.

NO! LISTEN.

50 OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE
SITTING IN BELLA LUCIA RIGHT NOW,

WEARING PARTY HATS AND
WAITING TO YELL, "SURPRISE!"

DO YOU WANNA GO, OR NOT?

MY FRIENDS ARE THROWING
ME A SURPRISE PARTY?

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND YOU TELL ME AND RUIN IT!

(all) SURPRISE!

OH, MY GOD, YOU DIDN'T! OH MY...

YOU, YOU DID THIS!

(Lana) OH...

FRASIER, YOU TRICKED
ME, YOU AWFUL THING!

IT WASN'T EASY, YOU
NIGHTMARISH CARP!

[shrieks]

OH, CLAIRE.

DEBBIE. OH, HI, BRUCE, HI.

I AM SO THRILLED YOU
ALL CAME HERE FOR THIS.

I THOUGHT A LOT OF YOU
WOULD HAVE FLOWN TO TAHITI

FOR THE WEDDING
OF DUMBO AND BIMBO.

THANKS FOR GETTING HER HERE.

WELL...

HOW DID YOU MANAGE
TO KEEP IT A SECRET?

WELL, AS A PSYCHIATRIST...

DISCRETION HAPPENS TO BE THE
CORNERSTONE OF MY PROFESSION.

AH.

OF COURSE, MINE TOO.
I'M A FAMILY THERAPIST.

REALLY?

YOU KNOW, I... I SENSED
WE'D HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY
HOW THINGS TURN OUT.

I STARTED OUT AS A MUSIC
MAJOR, STUDYING CELLO.

YOU'RE A CELLIST?

YES, BUT PSYCHOLOGY
IS MY TRUE CALLING.

"SPAWNING FISH MAY LEAP
UPSTREAM FOR MANY SEASONS

YET COME HOME TO STAY."

WAS THAT A HAIKU?

YES.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S A HABIT OF MINE. THEY
JUST SORT OF SPILL OUT OF ME.

HUH. THAT'S AMAZING.

UH, MAY I GET YOU A DRINK?

YES. A... A MARTINI. ALL RIGHT.

2 OLIVES. AH.

I KNEW IT.

OH...

KIERKEGAARD?

LOVE HIM.

DON'T MOVE.

CLAIRE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING STANDING THERE ALONE?

I WANT YOU TO MEET NEIL,
THAT GUY I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

CLAIRE, NEIL. HI.

(Claire) IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

[all chattering]

ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S IT SAY NOW?

"ALTERNATIVELY,
SEE APPENDIX "C":

ADVANCED TROUBLESHOOTING
SPECIFICATIONS AND YOU."

THAT'S IT, I QUIT.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

WELL, I WENT TO A PARTY ONCE

WHERE WE EACH WENT
AROUND THE ROOM

AND CONFESSED OUR
MOST SHAMEFUL SECRET.

EXCEPT IT HAD TO BE SOMETHING

THAT YOU'D NEVER
TOLD ANYONE BEFORE.

OH, I DON'T THINK THAT'S SOMETHING
WE REALLY WANT TO GET INTO.

THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

OK, I'LL GO FIRST.

OH, LET'S SEE.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, DAPHNE,

YOU MIGHT AS WELL
MAKE YOUR ACQUAINTANCE

WITH MY DARK SIDE.

IN 5TH GRADE,

THERE WAS A BULLY,
JACK WINFIELD,

AND HE WAS BOTHERING
A LOT OF THE GIRLS,

SO ONE DAY I WAITED FOR
HIM OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL

AND GAVE HIM A SOUND THUMPING.

WASN'T THAT THE
KID WITH RICKETS?

RICKETS AND A SMART MOUTH.

DAPHNE, YOU GO NEXT,

AND THINK OF SOMETHING
JUICIER THAN THAT.

UH, WELL, UM...

MINE'S ALSO A
YOUTHFUL INDISCRETION.

I STOLE A TEDDY
BEAR FROM THE SHOPS.

THEN WHAT?

WELL, I FELT GUILTY, SO I TOLD MY
PARENTS AND WE BROUGHT IT BACK.

THEN AS A PENANCE,

I VOLUNTEERED TO WORK AT
THE ORPHANAGE AFTER SCHOOL.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I'D
PUT THAT STORY ON MY RESUME.

COME ON, MARTIN, YOU'VE
GOT TO HAVE SOMETHING.

SHOCK ME.

OH, I DON'T KNOW,
IT'S KIND OF PERSONAL.

THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, BUT IT
DOESN'T LEAVE THIS ROOM.

EVERY TIME I WATCH
THE SOUND OF MUSIC

I CRY.

AND I DON'T MEAN A
SINGLE, MANLY TEAR.

I MEAN REAL BLUBBERING,

GIRL-STYLE.

THE NUNS, THOSE KIDS...

THE LONELY GOATHERD.

THESE ARE YOUR DEEP, DARK
SECRETS? THIS IS BABY STUFF.

"OOH, I DROPPED MY
ICE CREAM AND I ATE IT."

OK, LET'S HEAR YOURS, THEN.

OH, YOU CAN'T HANDLE MINE.

LET'S PLAY "CLUE" OR SOMETHING.

[exclaiming]

ARE YOU KIDDING? WE CAN
TAKE ANYTHING YOU CAN DISH OUT.

I WAS IN THE WAR, I WAS A
COP, I EVEN WORKED VICE.

I DON'T THINK SO.

WELL, COME ON, I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT. WHISPER IT IN MY EAR

AND IF I THINK THEY CAN
HANDLE IT, I'LL TELL THEM.

OK.

WHERE WAS KATHY WHEN
I WAS BUSTING MY ASS

PUTTING HIM THROUGH
DENTAL SCHOOL?

OH, OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
SHE WASN'T BORN YET!

WHO WANTS MORE CAKE?

NOT ME, BUT I'LL GO WITH YOU.

HERE WE ARE.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

THAT'S SO SWEET OF YOU,

BUT NEIL JUST
BROUGHT ME A GLASS.

AH.

OPUS ONE.

OH, WELL...

OPUS ONE, THAT'S... THAT'S
A DELIGHTFUL LITTLE WINE.

YES, IT'S VERY NICE.

BUT, UH, THIS HAPPENS
TO BE A BARBARESCO GAYA,

THE GREATEST ITALIAN RED
SINCE ROBERTO ROSSELLINI.

WELL.

MMM.

MMM.

OH, THEY BOTH TASTE WONDERFUL.

I... I DON'T... I CAN'T
CHOOSE BETWEEN THEM.

TASTE MINE AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE REALLY
INTERESTED IN WINE, CLAIRE,

YOU SHOULD LET ME FLY YOU
DOWN TO NAPA IN MY PLANE.

WE COULD SPEND THE
DAY EXPLORING VINEYARDS.

OH, THAT'S VERY SWEET, BUT THOSE
LITTLE PLANES MAKE ME NERVOUS.

REALLY? WELL, HOW DO
YOU FEEL ABOUT, UH, B.M.W.'S?

[chuckles]

YOU SEE, I... I
HAPPEN TO KNOW, UH,

SEVERAL OF THE PROPRIETORS
OF THE LOCAL VINEYARDS HERE

AND I'D BE DELIGHTED
TO BE YOUR TOUR GUIDE.

THAT SOUNDS TEMPTING.

WELL, ALLOW ME TO
ENCHANT YOU FURTHER.

YOU SEE, I...

CLAIRE, I'M... I'M SORRY.

UH, YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE
ME FOR JUST A MOMENT.

HI. HOW YOU DOING?

EVERYBODY'S LEAVING.

WELL, IT'S GETTING LATE.

IT'S 9:30.

LET'S FACE IT, I
DROVE THEM ALL OFF.

EVEN I'M SICK OF HEARING
ME COMPLAIN ABOUT BOB.

WELL, COME ON, IT'S...
IT'S NOT ALL THAT BAD.

I MEAN, LISTEN, YOU KNOW,

BOB IS IN THE PAST.

I MEAN, JUST LOOK AT ALL
THE FRIENDS YOU HAVE.

I KNOW YOU'VE HAD A BIT
OF A TOUGH TIME LATELY,

BUT THAT'LL END SOON.

YOU'RE A... A VIBRANT,
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.

THANKS, FRASIER.

YOU'RE BEING
AWFULLY SWEET TO ME.

DON'T THINK THIS MEANS
YOU'RE GETTING ANY.

WE'RE, UH, SAYING OUR GOODBYES.

WHAT? OH, YOU'RE LEAVING?

I HAVE AN EARLY APPOINTMENT

AND NEIL OFFERED TO
GIVE ME A RIDE HOME.

WELL, HOW THOUGHTFUL OF HIM.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LANA.

OH, THANK YOU, HONEY.

BYE.

IT'S NICE TO SEE
YOU AGAIN, FRASIER.

LOVELY SEEING YOU AGAIN, CLAIRE.

NEIL.

[door closing]

THREW A GUTTER BALL, HUH? YEAH.

THANKS TO YOU. YOU
INTRODUCED THEM.

WELL, YOU PLAYED IT ALL WRONG.

YOU WERE HANGING
ON HER ALL NIGHT.

WELL, SO WAS HE,
BUT HE LEFT WITH HER.

IT WON'T LAST. SHE'S
PROBABLY SICK OF HIM ALREADY.

LOT OF GOOD THAT DOES ME.

I BLEW IT.

NOT NECESSARILY.

I MEAN, I THINK YOU GUYS
COULD MAKE A GREAT COUPLE.

IN FACT, I MIGHT BE ABLE
TO HELP YOU OUT THERE.

REALLY? WOULD YOU?

WELL, I COULD, BUT, YOU KNOW,

I GET ASKED THAT ALL THE
TIME, AND IF I DID IT FOR YOU,

THEN I'D HAVE TO DO
IT FOR EVERYBODY,

AND I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I
WANNA OPEN THOSE FLOODGATES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I THINK I DO.

KIRBY NEEDS A PASSING
GRADE IN HISTORY.

I CAN'T GUARANTEE THAT.

NO PASSING GRADE, NO CLAIRE.

ALL RIGHT, AN HOUR ON TUESDAYS.

2 HOURS ON TUESDAYS
AND THURSDAYS.

2 HOURS ON TUESDAY, NO THURSDAY.

3 ON TUESDAYS.

DONE. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU.

WELL, YOU'RE A VERY
LUCKY YOUNG MAN, KIRBY.

YOU KNOW, I LOVED
STUDYING U.S. HISTORY.

WHAT CAN BE MORE FASCINATING

THAN THE RICH AND UNFOLDING EPIC

OF THE VERY SOIL
ON WHICH WE LIVE?

UH, WILL THAT QUESTION
BE ON THE TEST?

DOUBTFUL.

SO, WHICH CHAPTER ARE YOU ON?

WHOA, IS THAT MY BOOK?

I SEE. CHAPTER ONE.

YOU MAY WANNA TAKE SOME NOTES.

I DON'T HAVE A PEN.

BUT JUST TELL ME,
I'LL REMEMBER IT.

OH, YEAH, YEAH,
THAT'S GOTTEN YOU FAR.

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GET A PEN!

NO, NOT YOU, NOT YOU, NOT YOU!

ALL RIGHT, KIRBY. WE'VE GOT A FEW
MINUTES BEFORE YOUR MOTHER GETS HERE.

ONE LAST QUESTION.

IN OUR STUDIES THIS WEEK,
WHAT DID WE LEARN ABOUT

WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON?

WELL, I GUESS, I WOULD SAY

THAT THIS WEEK WE LEARNED

THAT WILLIAM HENRY
HARRISON WAS A GREAT MAN,

WHO WAS IMPORTANT

BECAUSE HE WAS...

PRESIDENT? NO.

YES.

YES.

GOOD, GOOD.

AND WHICH PRESIDENT WAS HE?

OF THE UNITED STATES.

I MEAN, WHICH NUMBER?

RIGHT, HERE'S A HINT.

HE WAS ELECTED IN 1840.

18TH. NO.

40TH? KIRBY.

DID YOU DO ANY
READING THIS WEEK?

SORT OF.

WHAT DOES "SORT OF" MEAN?

NO. RIGHT.

WHY NOT?

'CAUSE IT'S A BUNCH OF JUNK
I'M NEVER GONNA NEED TO KNOW.

NO, KIRBY, THIS
"JUNK", AS YOU CALL IT,

MAY SEEM UNIMPORTANT TO YOU NOW,

BUT KNOWING SOMETHING
ABOUT WHERE WE CAME FROM

MAY HELP YOU TO DECIDE
WHERE YOU WISH TO GO.

NOW, LET'S START
LEARNING ABOUT HISTORY,

LEST YOU BE
CONDEMNED TO REPEAT IT.

START READING.

CONTINUE UNTIL YOUR
MOTHER GETS HERE.

HI, DAD.

(Martin) HEY, FRASE.

YOU KNOW THAT GUY ROGER ON 14
WHO HAS THAT LITTLE SCOTTISH TERRIER?

MACDUFF? RIGHT.

WELL, ROGER'S INVITED ALL
THESE DOGS FROM THE PARK

TO MACDUFF'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

EXCEPT EDDIE, THANK GOD.

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF
ANYTHING MORE RIDICULOUS?

I SEE. AND PUTTING A... A HAT ON
EDDIE FOR EVERY MAJOR HOLIDAY,

THAT'S NORMAL?

WELL, IT'S NOT EVERY HOLIDAY.

OH, DAD, PLEASE. HE'S GOT
A SANTA CAP FOR CHRISTMAS.

HE'S GOT A TOP HAT
FOR NEW YEAR'S EVE.

HE'S... HE'S GOT A... A TAM-O'-SHANTER
FOR SAINT PATRICK'S DAY.

WELL, THEY'RE JUST HATS.

I MEAN, IT'S... IT'S
NOT A WHOLE PARTY.

I MEAN, A DOG DOESN'T
KNOW HIS BIRTHDAY

ANY MORE THAN HE KNOWS
FRIDAY OR SATURDAY OR...

OR CINCO DE MAYO?

THAT SOMBRERO WAS A GIFT.

KEEP READING!

IT'S NICE THAT YOU'RE
HELPING THE KID OUT.

YEAH, WELL, TRUTH BE
TOLD, DAD, I'M ACTUALLY...

I'VE MADE A LITTLE
AGREEMENT WITH LANA.

YOU SEE, IF I HELP KIRBY
GET A PASSING GRADE,

LANA WILL SET ME UP WITH
ONE OF HER GIRLFRIENDS, CLAIRE.

OH.

I REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO TUTOR
KIDS SO THEY WOULDN'T BEAT YOU UP.

SO I GUESS THIS
IS PROGRESS, HUH?

[doorbell ringing]

THAT'LL BE YOUR MOTHER.

HI, LANA. COME
ON IN. HI, FRASIER.

YOU GUYS HAVE A GOOD
STUDY SESSION TODAY?

PRIMO.

OH, YES. WE'RE MAKING
EXCELLENT PROGRESS.

REALLY?

SO, WHAT'D YOU LEARN TODAY?

UM...

WELL, TODAY I LEARNED
ABOUT WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON

WHO WAS OUR...

UH, 9TH PRESIDENT.

I MEAN 10TH. I MEAN 9TH.

GOOD. NOT BAD.

SO YOU'RE ONE STEP CLOSER TO
GETTING YOUR PROM PRIVILEGES BACK.

MOM, I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT GOING.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YOU AND KRISTI BROKE UP?

THANKS FOR SPREADING
THAT AROUND, MOM.

OH, FRASIER DOESN'T CARE. HE
WENT TO THE PROM WITH HIS BROTHER.

THANKS FOR SPREADING
THAT AROUND.

KIRBY, LISTEN, CAN I HAVE A WORD
ALONE WITH YOUR MOTHER, PLEASE?

HERE, SIT IN THE CAR. YOU
CAN LISTEN TO THE RADIO.

BUT DON'T CHANGE
MY PRESETS AGAIN.

WHEN YOU'RE IN MY CAR,
IT'S LIGHT HITS OR NOTHING!

[door closing]

WHAT'D YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

ACTUALLY, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D
HAD A CHANCE TO SPEAK WITH CLAIRE YET.

I MEAN, SEEING AS HOW KIRBY
MAY BE GETTING A PASSING GRADE.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I
SAW CLAIRE YESTERDAY.

OH, YOU DID? OH, THAT'S
WONDERFUL NEWS.

LISTEN, I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT OUR FIRST DATE.

I THOUGHT PERHAPS TAPAS.

NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE
WHIMSICAL, BUT HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.

FRASIER, FRASIER. LOOK, ALL I DID WAS
MENTION THAT YOU WERE TUTORING KIRBY.

BUT SHE WAS VERY IMPRESSED.

BUT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
SET US UP. WE HAVE A DEAL.

I... I'M PHASING YOU IN SLOWLY.

LOOK, SHE JUST BROKE UP WITH
NEIL BECAUSE HE WAS RUSHING THINGS.

TRUST ME, IF YOU DON'T TIME
THIS RIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA BLOW IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. THERE'S
NO NEED TO EXPLAIN TO ME.

IF ANYONE UNDERSTANDS THE VALUE OF
RESTRAINT AND TAKING THINGS SLOWLY,

IT IS YOURS TRULY.

FRASIER, UH, AS I RECALL,
ON OUR FIRST DATE,

YOU GOT ME UP TO YOUR
APARTMENT ON FALSE PRETENSES.

YOU PLIED ME WITH
WINE, GOT ME INTO BED,

AND THEN TRIED TO WEASEL
OUT OF EVER SEEING ME AGAIN.

I THINK "PLIED" IS A BIT STRONG!

HEY, FRASIER.

I HAVE A WORK-RELATED
PROPOSAL I WANNA RUN BY YOU.

OF COURSE, ROZ. I'M
ALWAYS OPEN TO NEW IDEAS,

CREATIVE THOUGHTS, OUTSIDE-THE-BOX
THINKING, THAT SORT OF THING.

I WANT FRIDAY THE 15TH OFF.

BUT BE AWARE, IF YOU SAY NO,

YOU'LL BE CRUSHING A
DREAM I'VE HAD SINCE COLLEGE.

A 3-DAY WEEKEND.
THAT'S QUITE A DREAM.

MY DREAM IS TO HAVE FRONT
ROW SEATS AT BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

THAT WAY, WHEN HE STARTS
DOING "DANCING IN THE DARK"

THERE'S A CHANCE HE'LL PULL ME
UP ONSTAGE TO DANCE WITH HIM.

I SEE.

AND THIS CONCERT IS
ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON?

NO, GRANDPA.

TICKETS GO ON SALE SATURDAY
AND I WANNA BE THE FIRST IN LINE.

AH. WELL, IF YOU HADN'T
CALLED ME GRANDPA,

I WOULD'VE FOUND A POLITE
WAY TO SAY NO. BUT AS IT IS, NO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I
DIDN'T JUST CALL IN SICK

INSTEAD OF TELLING
YOU THE TRUTH.

I JUST WASTED PERFECTLY
GOOD HONESTY ON YOU.

WELL...

HEY, ROZ.

HIS ROYAL HIGHNESS IS HERE.

YES, WELL, THANK YOU.

OH, HI, DAPH, NILES. HEY.

COFFEE, NILES?
(Niles) YES, PLEASE.

I'LL HAVE, UH, THE FRENCH
ROAST WITH 3 SHOTS OF ESPRESSO.

THE DEFIBRILLATOR?
YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE.

NEED A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP, NILES?

OH, I AM EXHAUSTED. SLEEPING WITH
DAPHNE, I'M NOT GETTING MUCH REST.

THE WAY SHE
GYRATES, IT'S... IT'S LIKE...

STOP THE SIMILE.

NO USE IN CONJURING UP IMAGERY
I'LL ONLY HAVE TO REPRESS LATER.

I'M TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL
SLEEPING, YOU DEGENERATE JUGHEAD.

HEY, SWEETIE.

HI. I WAS JUST TELLING FRASIER ABOUT
YOUR NIGHTLY TOSSING AND TURNING.

HERE, COME HERE.

SHE'S LIKE A TUNA
ON A TRAWLER DECK.

I TOLD YOU, I'M GONNA NEED TIME TO
ADJUST TO SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE.

UNTIL THEN, YOU'RE JUST
GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT ME OFF.

OH, I TRIED. YOU
HURLED ME TO THE FLOOR.

YOU'VE NEVER MINDED
THE ROUGH STUFF BEFORE.

NOW, THAT'S IT, I'M LEAVING.

GOOD LORD, IT'S CLAIRE.

I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HER.

OH, I DO. SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

LANA HAS TOLD ME THAT I AM, UNDER NO
CIRCUMSTANCES, TO ASK HER OUT ON A DATE.

SHE SAYS THAT IF I RUSH
THINGS, I WILL RUIN MY CHANCES.

FRASIER.

CLAIRE. UH, HI...

HI.

FANCY SEEING YOU HERE.

I... I JUST CAME FROM
THE OPERA HOUSE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE DON
GIOVANNI IS SOLD OUT?

I WISH I KNEW SOMEONE
WITH A SUBSCRIPTION.

YOU KNOW, I COULD, UH...

I... I... I COULD, I COULD
CALL SOMEONE FOR YOU.

OH, THAT'D BE GREAT. HEY,
AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT,

SEE IF YOU CAN FIND
SOMEONE WHO LIKES SHERRY.

YOU KNOW, LES HABITANTS IS
HAVING A TASTING THAT WEEK,

AND I CAN'T FIND ANYONE WHO
ENJOYS SHERRY AS MUCH AS I DO.

OF COURSE, I ALWAYS HAVE TROUBLE
FINDING PEOPLE WHO SHARE MY INTERESTS.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CONVINCE
SOMEONE TO GO TO LONDON WITH ME

AND SEE THE NEW TATE GALLERY
AND THE OLD GLOBE THEATER

AND FINALLY I JUST GAVE UP.

AND TOMORROW, I'M GOING ALONE
FOR 10 DAYS. LIFE'S JUST TOO SHORT.

GO OUT WITH ME.

THE TRICK TO REMEMBERING THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON

AND WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT
IS A SIMPLE MNEMONIC DEVICE.

M... WHAT?

IT'S A TRICK.

HARRISON DIED IN OFFICE
AFTER HIS FIRST MONTH.

SO WE SAY,

"WILLIAM HENRY HARRISON
WAS HARDLY HEALTHY."

AND YOU CAN'T SPELL "TAFT"

WITHOUT THE LETTERS F-A-T!

SO NOW, TO REMEMBER 2 THINGS, I
HAVE TO REMEMBER 2 OTHER THINGS.

PLUS THE FIRST 2 THINGS.

YES, YES, YES, BUT...
THAT'S 4 THINGS.

THE FIRST 2 THINGS ARE
EASIER TO REMEMBER

AND THEY ARE CLUES
TO THE SECOND.

WILL YOU JUST TRY
TO KEEP UP, KIRBY?

WHAT ARE YOU GETTING
ALL UP IN MY FACE FOR?

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT
WORKING HARD ENOUGH.

WELL, WHOSE FAULT IS THAT?

YOURS!

WHATEVER, DUDE.

HOW'S IT GOING?

WELL, I'M COOL.

AS AM I.

OH, FRASIER, WILL
YOU STAY FOR DINNER?

SURE.

HEY, KIRBY, GO WASH UP.

AND USE WATER!

LISTEN, LANA, UM...

I... I RAN INTO CLAIRE
THIS AFTERNOON

AND I... I... UH...

WELL, WE, WE GOT TO TALKING,
AND... AND IT SEEMS AS THOUGH WE'LL...

WE'RE GOING TO BE
GOING OUT TOGETHER.

[phone ringing] YOU'RE WHAT?

I TOLD YOU, THE TIMING ISN'T
RIGHT. YOU WENT BEHIND MY BACK.

YES, WELL, YOU HAD ME CONVINCED THAT
YOU HELD THE KEYS TO CLAIRE'S KINGDOM

AND THE TRUTH IS, I
DIDN'T NEED THE KEY.

WHEN I GOT THERE,
THE GATES WERE OPEN.

THE MAT SAID,
"WELCOME, FRASIER."

WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU ARE WALKING
OUT ON KIRBY, YOU CAN THINK AGAIN!

(Lana on answering
machine) HI, THIS IS LANA.

THERE IS NO USE IN TUTORING
HIM IF HE IS NOT WILLING TO LEARN.

(Claire) HI. LANA, IT'S CLAIRE.

LISTEN, FRASIER ASKED ME
OUT TODAY AND I SAID "YES."

HE SEEMS VERY SWEET.

OF COURSE, HE WAS ALSO A LITTLE
EAGER, WHICH IS ALWAYS A TURN-OFF.

SO I MIGHT BACK OUT, UNLESS
YOU THINK HE'S A CATCH.

DO YOU? IS HE? ANYWAY...

I'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK,

SO GIVE ME A CALL AND LET
ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. BYE.

[answering machine beeping]

HMM, WHAT DO I THINK?

PERHAPS I SPOKE HASTILY.

I THINK...

I WANT KIRBY TO GET A "C".

WHAT? YOU SAID HE ONLY
HAD TO GET A PASSING GRADE.

WELL, THAT WAS BEFORE
YOU WENT BEHIND MY BACK.

AND JUST FOR ARGUING, I
WANT A "B"! THAT'S CRAZY!

WELL, KEEP TALKING,
MISTER, I'LL GO FOR AN "A"!

ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, A "B" IT IS!

WHAT AM I DOING AGAIN?
OH, YEAH, I'M WASHING UP.

OK, A "B-".

ALL RIGHT, KIRBY, I'M
GONNA MAKE YOU AN OFFER.

IF YOU WILL AGREE TO
KNUCKLE DOWN AND STUDY,

I WILL TREAT YOU

TO A SUMPTUOUS
DINNER AT LES HABITANTS.

HOW DOES THAT SOUND?

YOU AND ME AT A FANCY
FRENCH RESTAURANT?

THAT'S RIGHT.

KIND OF GAY.

HEY, FRASIER. OH, HI, ROZ.

OH, UH, KIRBY, THIS IS
MY PRODUCER, ROZ DOYLE.

ROZ, THIS IS KIRBY, MY TUTEE.

HEY.

WELL, STUDY HARD, BUT REMEMBER,
SCHOOL ISN'T EVERYTHING.

I WASN'T EXACTLY AN EGGHEAD,
AND LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, ROZ, I'M JUST
TRYING TO MOTIVATE THE BOY,

NOT SCARE HIM
STRAIGHT, THANK YOU.

SHE HAS GOT TO BE PRETTY
DISTRACTING AROUND THE OFFICE, HUH?

OH, YES, WELL, SOMETIMES, BUT
SHE'S UNION SO YOU PUT UP WITH IT.

NO, I MEAN SHE'S HOT. UM.

JUST STOP THAT. YOU STICK
TO GIRLS YOUR OWN AGE.

I HAD ONE. SHE DUMPED ME.

SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

I DON'T CARE. SHE CAN GO TO THE
PROM WITH ANYONE SHE WANTS.

WAIT A MOMENT.

IS THAT WHAT ALL THIS
CURRENT MALAISE IS ABOUT?

HEARTBREAK?

NO.

I'M WAY OVER IT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD BE AWESOME,

IS IF... IF I COULD
GO TO THE PROM

WITH SOME TOTALLY HOT
OLDER CHICK LIKE ROZ.

THAT WOULD TOTALLY
BURN UP KRISTI.

ALL MY FRIENDS WOULD
BE, LIKE, "YO, SHE'S SO HOT."

[laughing]

KIRBY, YOU JUST PUT THAT THOUGHT

COMPLETELY OUT OF
YOUR MIND BECAUSE...

KIRBY,

IF I COULD CONVINCE ROZ
TO GO TO THE PROM WITH YOU,

WOULD YOU COMMIT TO
LEARNING THIS MATERIAL?

AND YOU THINK HARD BEFORE
YOU ANSWER BECAUSE IF IT'S YES,

THEN YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE, MISTER.

I'M IN.

DEAL. NOW, LISTEN,

LET'S KEEP THIS BETWEEN US.
THERE'S NO NEED TO TELL YOUR MOM.

NO PROBLEM.

GREAT.

SO HOW YOU GONNA
GET HER TO GO WITH ME?

OH, YOU JUST LEAVE
THAT UP TO ME,

AND MR. BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

THE BOSS.

NO, BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN.

YOU NEVER SAID THERE
WAS GONNA BE POP QUIZZES.

THAT'S THE "POP" PART.

BUT DON'T DESPAIR, KIRBY, YOU
GOT 19 OUT OF 25. WELL DONE.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WELL
ON YOUR WAY TO THAT PROM.

NOW, LET'S SEE THAT
ESSAY YOU WROTE.

[grunting]

EDDIE, EDDIE,
EDDIE, EDDIE, EDDIE...

DAD, DO YOU MIND? WE'RE
TRYING TO WORK HERE.

I'M SORRY. I'M JUST TRYING
TO RAISE EDDIE'S SPIRITS.

TODAY'S THAT STUPID DOGGIE
PARTY HE WASN'T INVITED TO.

YOU'RE STILL ON THAT?

EDDIE'S THE HEART AND
SOUL OF THAT DOGGIE GROUP.

WE'VE BEEN GOING TO
THAT PARK FOR YEARS.

HALF THOSE PEOPLE WOULDN'T EVEN
KNOW EACH OTHER IF IT WASN'T FOR US.

NOW THEY'RE DOWN THERE DRINKING
BEER AND SWAPPING STORIES...

LOOK AT HIM. IT'S JUST
BREAKING EDDIE'S HEART.

(Frasier) EDDIE'S FINE, DAD.

SEEMS YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO FEELS LEFT OUT.

I DO NOT.

AND IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT WE'VE
GOT PLANS FOR THIS AFTERNOON, ANYWAY.

BIG PLANS.

[phone ringing]

HELLO?

OH, HI, ROGER.

UH, A PARTY, HUH? WELL,
NO, I HADN'T HEARD ABOUT IT.

OH, REALLY? WELL, YEAH, I GUESS
WE COULD COME DOWN, SURE.

OK. YEAH, WELL, UH,
BE RIGHT DOWN. BYE.

I KNEW IT!

THE INVITE MUST HAVE GOT LOST IN
THE MAIL. WELL, SEE YOU LATER, BOYS.

IT'S PARTY TIME!

[door closing]

[door opens]

FORGOT THE DOG. COME ON, BOY.

[chuckling]

THIS IS FUN.

IT IS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK
RESTAURANTS ARE LIKE MUSEUMS.

GREAT FOOD, LIKE GREAT
ART, HAS THE ABILITY

TO BOTH ELEVATE AND INSPIRE.

OH, I SO AGREE.

BUT ONE MUST DINE WITH
A CERTAIN SAVOIR-FAIRE.

YOU WON'T GET MUCH OUT OF IT

IF YOU'RE JUST SOME PHILISTINE
WALKING IN OFF THE STREET.

DUDE, FANCY.

HELLO, MY GOOD MAN.
RESERVATION FOR GARDNER.

OF COURSE.

THIS WAY, PLEASE.

SO, UM...

WOULD YOU ORDER
SOME WINE FOR US?

NO.

LET'S GET SOMETHING STRAIGHT.

IF YOU GET DRUNK,
THE EVENING IS OVER.

AND IF YOU FONDLE, MASSAGE
OR CUP ANY PORTION OF MY BODY,

THE EVENING IS OVER. GOT IT?

MAN, YOU'RE LIKE A
TOTAL PRUDE, HUH?

YES, I AM.

WOULD ANY ONE
OF YOU LIKE A DRINK?

YES. THE LADY AND I
WILL HAVE THE COCA-COLA.

YEAH, MAKE SURE THE LADY'S
HAS A LOT OF JACK DANIEL'S IN IT.

NEVER ORDER FOR
YOUR DATE. IT'S CHEESY.

AND THE LADY WILL
HAVE THE FILET.

WELL...

A TOAST.

TO THIS MOMENT,

TOO LONG DELAYED,

AND TOO QUICK TO PASS.

HEY, YOU GUYS.

HI.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE'RE HAVING A DATE.

YES. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I'M LOOKING FOR
KIRBY. IT'S HIS PROM NIGHT.

HE LEFT HIS CAMERA AT HOME.

KIRBY IS HERE?

SOMEWHERE. HE SAID YOU
TOLD HIM ABOUT THIS PLACE.

RIGHT, RIGHT, SO I DID. UH...

(Lana) OH, THERE HE
IS. SEE YOU GUYS LATER.

LANA, LANA, WAIT. YOU KNOW, MAYBE I
SHOULD, UH, TAKE THE CAMERA TO THE BOY.

I MEAN, SEEING YOU HERE
WILL ONLY EMBARRASS HIM.

OH, PLEASE, HE'S USED TO THAT.

BESIDES, THE ONE WHO
SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED

IS THAT BOY WHO'S
WITH HIS MOTHER.

LANA IS SUCH A GREAT MOM.

SHE REALLY CARES ABOUT HER KIDS.

SHE SURE DOES.

(Lana) WHAT DO YOU
MEAN SHE'S WITH YOU?

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME A MOMENT?

MOM, WOULD YOU COOL OUT?

HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO COOL
OUT WHEN... WHAT ARE YOU, A HOOKER?

WHAT?

YOU'RE A HOOKER? NO, I'M NOT.

SHE WORKS FOR ME.

YOU'RE HER PIMP?

(waiter) IS THERE A PROBLEM?

NO, NO, EVERYTHING'S JUST FINE.

YOU KNOW THIS TRAMP?

YES, I DO. FRASIER!

WELL, I'M SORRY. LANA, PLEASE,
IT'S ALL INNOCENT ENOUGH.

I... I ONLY DID THIS IN
ORDER TO MOTIVATE THE BOY.

BY PROMISING HIM SEX?

YOU PROMISED HIM SEX?

YOU'RE GETTING SEX!

I DID NOT PROMISE HIM SEX!

(Lana) YOU ARE COMING WITH ME.

MOM, I'M NOT GOING.

LANA, LET ME EXPLAIN. I SET HIM UP
WITH ROZ IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS STUDYING.

THAT'S DISGUSTING.

IT'S NO DIFFERENT THAN YOU
PROMISING ME A DATE WITH CLAIRE

IN EXCHANGE FOR TUTORING KIRBY.

EXCUSE ME?

CLAIRE.

YOU TRADED ME LIKE A COMMODITY?

OH, GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE.

YOU... YOU TUTORED
ME TO GET TO HER?

KIRBY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU USED ME, LANA.

LET'S GET A LITTLE
PERSPECTIVE HERE.

MY SON'S HERE WITH A PROSTITUTE!

IF YOU CALL ME THAT
ONE MORE TIME, LADY...

LISTEN, SISTER...

WHAT DID YOU DO,
DANGLE ME LIKE BAIT?

WHO'S THE PROSTITUTE NOW?

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU? SIT DOWN!

YOU SAID YOU CARED ABOUT MY
EDUCATION BUT YOU'RE JUST AS BIG A LIAR

AS RICHARD M. NIXON,
OUR 37TH PRESIDENT.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO
ASK YOU ALL TO LEAVE.

FINE WITH ME. KIRBY, LET'S GO.

I'M NOT GOING
ANYWHERE. WELL, I AM.

NO, NO, STOP IT, EVERYBODY!

FELLOW DINERS,

IF YOU WILL ALL BEAR WITH
ME FOR JUST A MOMENT, PLEASE.

KIRBY, YOU ARE
GOING TO PASS HISTORY

AND YOU ARE GOING TO
GRADUATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

ROZ, YOU ARE GETTING
YOUR SPRINGSTEEN TICKETS.

LANA, IF THERE IS ANYONE
WITH WHOM YOUR SON

COULD EXPECT TO HAVE A
THOROUGHLY WHOLESOME,

INNOCENT, AND CHASTE
DATE, IT IS ROZ DOYLE.

CLAIRE,

THE ONLY REASON LANA DID WHAT
SHE DID WAS OUT OF LOVE FOR HER SON.

AND IF I COMPROMISED MY ETHICS,

IT WAS ONLY BECAUSE
I FOUND MYSELF SO

UTTERLY BEGUILED BY YOU.

FRASIER, YOU ARE A
STRANGE AND CHARMING MAN.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

HI, LANA. IT'S FRASIER.

YEAH, LISTEN, I WAS
HOPING THAT I COULD, UH,

MAYBE SWITCH TIMES
WITH KIRBY TOMORROW.

SAY, MOVE IT UP TO
4:00 JUST AFTER SCHOOL?

GREAT. GREAT. GOOD.

WELL, UH, CLAIRE AND I
HAVE PLANS, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, I GUESS WE
ARE HITTING IT OFF.

SHE SAID WHAT ABOUT ME?

YOU'RE JOKING.

OH, YOU ARE JOKING.

WHAT DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME?

REALLY?

WELL.

GUESS IT JUST
PROVES SHE'S A SUCKER

FOR SOPHISTICATION, TASTE,

AND DARE I SAY IT,
OLD-WORLD CHARM.

HEY, BUDDY...

IF THE COPS COME BACK AROUND,

CAN I STASH
SOMETHING IN YOUR BAG?

I'LL HAVE TO CALL YOU BACK.

(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪

♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

QUITE STYLISH.

♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪

♪ YEAH, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪

[laughing]

♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪

SCRAMBLED EGGS ALL OVER MY FACE.

WHAT IS A BOY TO DO?

GOOD NIGHT,
SEATTLE. WE LOVE YOU!