Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 19 - Daphne Returns - full transcript

[people chattering]

HELLO, ROZ.

I SAY, "HELLO, ROZ."

[chuckling] OH. I'M SORRY.

AH, DON'T BE.

DIDN'T MEAN TO
DISTURB YOUR READING.

ACTUALLY, I'M DOING A
LITTLE RESEARCH. MMM-HMM.

UM, I HAVE A MEETING WITH
A PUBLISHER TOMORROW.

I'M THINKING OF WRITING MY
OWN CHILDREN'S BOOK. REALLY?

YEAH, IT'S A STORY MY
MOM MADE UP FOR ME

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.



I TELL IT TO ALICE
ALL THE TIME NOW.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE SUCH A KICK

IF I COULD GET IT PUBLISHED.

GOOD FOR YOU, ROZ.

Y-YOU KNOW, I'VE DABBLED
IN JUVENILE FICTION MYSELF.

YES, NILES AND I,
WHEN WE WERE BOYS,

WROTE A SERIES OF STORIES TOGETHER,
IN WHICH WE WERE THE HEROES,

ALONG THE LINES OF A THE
HARDY BOYS OR A NANCY DREW.

THE NANCY BOYS?

NO.

CALLED THE CRANE BOYS MYSTERIES.

WE WERE 2 PLUCKY LADS WHO USED
THEIR KEEN PSYCHOLOGICAL INSIGHT

TO SOLVE CRIMES BROUGHT
HOME BY THEIR DETECTIVE FATHER.

HOW MANY OF THESE DID YOU WRITE?



34.

YES, THERE WAS THE MYSTERY
OF THE ONE-EARED MONKEY,

ON YOUR MARK, GET SET, DIE,

AND THERE WAS ONE WHERE
OUR FATHER WAS KIDNAPPED,

AND THE ONLY CLUE WAS
A DENTED BALLANTINE CAN.

THE SUSPICIOUS
SIX-PACK. EXCELLENT.

[both laughing] PLEASE,
NILES, PULL UP A CHAIR.

UH, ALL RIGHT, I WILL. I
CAN'T STAY LONG, THOUGH.

UH, LATTE TO GO, PLEASE.

I'M ON MY WAY TO THE
SPA TO PICK UP DAPHNE.

OH, THAT REMINDS ME.

WHAT TIME SHOULD I BE AT
THE APARTMENT TONIGHT?

OH, WELL, LET'S SEE. IT'S
AN HOUR'S TRIP TO THE SPA

AND THERE'S A 2-HOUR GRADUATION
CEREMONY AT THE END OF WHICH,

THEY ALL THROW THEIR
FAT PANTS INTO THE AIR...

SAY 7:00.

OK, GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

YES. BYE. BYE, ROZ.

NOW, SPEAKING OF
DAPHNE, MMM-HMM.

I WAS HOPING YOU COULD
SPARE HER THIS FRIDAY.

I'M PLANNING TO TAKE HER
ON A LITTLE GETAWAY WEEKEND,

WHERE I THINK WE MAY BE TAKING
OUR RELATIONSHIP TO THE NEXT LEVEL.

OH, MY GOD. NILES,
YOU'RE GOING TO PROPOSE?

NO, NOT THAT LEVEL.
THE LEVEL BEFORE THAT.

YOU'RE GONNA ASK HER
TO MOVE IN WITH YOU?

ONE MORE LEVEL BEFORE THAT.

WELL, YOU'RE ALREADY
DATING. NO, THAT'S 2 LEVELS.

OH, FOR HEAVEN'S
SAKE, JUST TELL ME.

WELL, YOU KNOW.
W-WE'RE GOING TO...

CONSUMMATE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT?

WELL, UH, GOSH, UH, UH,
IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

I... I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D
ALREADY REACHED THAT LEVEL.

WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I... I GUESS
EVERYBODY JUST ASSUMED.

WHO'S "EVERYBODY"? NOBODY.

BUT, NILES, YOU HAVE BEEN ON
OVERNIGHT TRIPS TOGETHER, HAVEN'T YOU?

WELL, YES, BUT THEY WERE
ALL PERFECTLY CHASTE.

OH.

DAPHNE WANTED TO WAIT
UNTIL THE TIME WAS RIGHT.

AND, WELL, WE'VE JUST BOTH
BEEN MISSING EACH OTHER

SO MUCH THESE LAST FEW WEEKS.

I... I THINK THE
TIME IS UPON US.

[chuckling] I'M HAPPY
FOR YOU, NILES.

THANK YOU.

GOSH, NOBODY'S GONNA BELIEVE
YOU TWO HAVEN'T SLEPT TOGETHER.

WHO'S "NOBODY"? NOBODY.

I LOVE YOU, NILES.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.

OH, HEY, I GOT YOU SOMETHING.

HERE.

NILES, IT'S LOVELY.

BUT I ALREADY HAVE
A DRESS LIKE THIS.

I KNOW, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S THE DRESS YOU WORE 5 YEARS
AGO, WHEN WE DANCED THE TANGO.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S FOR THIS WEEKEND.

ONLY THIS TIME, INSTEAD
OF ENDING IN HEARTACHE,

THE EVENING CAN END IN TRIUMPH.

THAT'S VERY ROMANTIC.

BUT I'M NOT SURE I CAN FIT
INTO IT. NOT YET, ANYWAY.

OH, NONSENSE. YOU'RE AS
SVELTE AS YOU EVER WERE.

YOU'RE SWEET.

AND IT WAS CUTE WHEN
I CAME OUT OF THE SPA,

AND YOU PRETENDED
YOU COULDN'T SEE ME.

WHO SAID THAT? WHO'S IN MY CAR?

WELL, YOU... YOU WORKED SO
HARD AND... AND YOU STUCK WITH IT.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW
HOW PROUD I AM.

ACTUALLY, I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.

THE STAFF THERAPIST EVEN
COMPLIMENTED ME ON MY WILLPOWER.

OH, SO YOU DID SEE A THERAPIST.

YEAH, IT'S ALL PART
OF THE PROGRAM

TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT THE CAUSE
OF YOUR OVEREATING. MMM-HMM.

WELL, IF YOU ASK ME, IT'S A
CLASSIC CASE OF SUBLIMATION.

USING FOOD AS A
SUBSTITUTE FOR SEX.

[mimics German accent] I RECOMMEND
YOU SEE A CERTAIN DOCTOR.

I KNOW VERY WELL
HE CAN HELP YOU.

YEAH.

THAT'S NOT WHAT GLORIA THINKS.

GLORIA? THE THERAPIST.

OH.

MY PATIENTS CALL ME "DR. CRANE."

BUT, UH, WHATEVER.

SO, UH, WHAT DOES GLORIA THINK?

SHE THINKS I MAY HAVE
GAINED THE WEIGHT

AS A WAY TO CREATE
DISTANCE BETWEEN US.

OH. HMM.

AND, UH, WHY WOULD
YOU WANNA DO THAT?

WELL, WHEN YOU AND I
FIRST CAME TOGETHER,

WE DECIDED TO WAIT AND
GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER

BEFORE BRINGING THE
RELATIONSHIP INTO THE BEDROOM.

THEN, AS TIME WENT ON, YOU
TOLD ME ALL THESE STORIES

ABOUT HOW YOU'D PINED
FOR ME FOR 7 YEARS.

HOW I'D BEEN YOUR
UNATTAINABLE DREAM.

HOW COULD ANYBODY
LIVE UP TO THAT?

SEE, GLORIA THINKS I WAS
TERRIFIED OF LETTING YOU DOWN,

OF NOT BEING PERFECT. SO I ATE.

AND I ATE.

AND, APPARENTLY, ATE.

DAPHNE, YOU COULDN'T
POSSIBLY LET ME DOWN.

AND AS FOR THE WEIGHT, IT
DIDN'T MATTER. I NEVER NOTICED.

THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

I GAINED 60 POUNDS.

DON'T YOU THINK IT'S
STRANGE YOU COULDN'T SEE IT?

NO, IT'S NOT
STRANGE. I LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW WHAT GLORIA SAYS?

NO.

SHE SAYS YOU COULDN'T
SEE THE EXTRA WEIGHT

BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY
SEEING THE PERFECT ME

YOU'VE CARRIED AROUND
IN YOUR HEAD FOR 7 YEARS.

SHE CALLS IT "LOOKING
THROUGH LOVE GOGGLES."

ALL-RIGHTY, LET'S GET HER
ON THE PHONE, SHALL WE?

NILES, DON'T. I-I'M NOT
TRYING TO UPSET YOU.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU WHAT
WE DISCUSSED IN THERAPY.

UH, I... I UNDERSTAND,
I UNDERSTAND.

AND I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU'VE
LOOKED FORWARD TO THIS WEEKEND.

BUT UNTIL I SORT THIS OUT,

I MAY NEED A LITTLE
MORE TIME BEFORE I'M...

YEAH, ABSOLUTELY. S-SAY NO MORE.

W-W-WE CAN EASILY
POSTPONE THE WEEKEND.

OF COURSE, IF MY
THEORY'S CORRECT,

AND YOU ARE EATING
AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR SEX,

THEN YOU'RE TAKING
A TERRIBLE RISK.

[making explosion sound]

[laughing]

OH. HUH...

I LOVE YOU, NILES.

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

[footsteps approaching]

(Martin) ROZ, YOU KNOW,

IF YOU REALLY WANNA
DO A KIDS' BOOK,

YOU OUGHT TO WRITE
ONE ABOUT EDDIE.

I'D BUY ONE ABOUT EDDIE.

THANKS, BUT I
ALREADY HAVE AN IDEA.

BESIDES, IF I WAS GONNA USE A
DOG, I'D PROBABLY USE MY OWN.

WELL, YOU WANNA MAKE YOUR DOG
HAPPY, OR YOU WANNA SELL BOOKS?

NOW, I WAS THINKING
EDDIE JOINS THE CIRCUS,

AND HE HAS ALL THIS CLOWN MAKEUP
ON AND EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW?

AND HE JUGGLES AND STUFF.

AND THEN YOU COULD DO ONE WHERE
HE INVENTS THIS FLYING MACHINE,

AND HAS ALL THESE
WACKY ADVENTURES.

THAT'S KIND OF CUTE.

HE COULD JOIN A FLOCK OF GEESE.

OR HE COULD BECOME THE WORLD'S
FIRST DOG TRAFFIC REPORTER.

EDDIE WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

YOU REALLY DON'T
GET EDDIE, DO YOU?

HEY, LOOK WHO'S HOME.

(Martin) HEY.

IS THIS ALL FOR ME?

OH, OH, DAPHNE.
GOD, WE MISSED YOU.

YOU LOOK GREAT, DAPHNE.

(Martin) GREAT? YOU
LOOK FANTASTIC.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY DID TO YOU THERE,

BUT WHAT A DIFFERENCE!

YES, I WAS GETTING
PRETTY BIG, WASN'T I?

BIG? YOU WERE GINORMOUS.

DAD.

I'M JUST TELLING HER
HOW GOOD SHE LOOKS.

YES, YES. OH, COME
HERE, OLD MAN.

YOU REALLY DO
LOOK LOVELY, DAPHNE.

OH, THANK YOU, DR. CRANE.

BUT I STILL HAVE TO
BE CAREFUL WHAT I EAT.

OH, YES, YES, OF COURSE.
AND TO THAT END, ACTUALLY,

I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE
FOR YOU IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

IT'S NOT SOME OF THOSE
LOW-CAL DINNERS, IS IT?

(Frasier) OH, JUST GO LOOK.

[laughing]

[pig squealing]

THAT'S HYSTERICAL.

YEAH, IT'S CALLED
THE REFRIGERATOR PIG.

IT'S A LITTLE PLASTIC PIG. HE'S
GOT A RECORDING IN HIS BELLY.

EVERY TIME YOU OPEN
THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR,

YOU'LL HEAR HIS SCOLDING SQUEAL.

SO, DAPHNE, TELL
US ABOUT THE SPA.

WELL, IT WAS LOTS OF HARD WORK.

WE HAD HIKES EVERY MORNING,

AND SESSIONS WITH
A PERSONAL TRAINER.

A-AND A WONDERFUL THERAPIST.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

YES, THERE WAS A PROFESSIONAL
THERAPIST ON STAFF.

MMM-HMM. NAMED GLORIA.

WHO HELPED ME DIG DOWN
TO THE ROOT OF MY PROBLEM.

YES, GLORIA'S VERY
HANDY WITH A SHOVEL.

[snickering]

WELL, SHE MUST
HAVE BEEN VERY GOOD.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY. LOOK AT YOU.

YEAH, WELL, GLORIA'S
VERY EMPATHETIC,

BECAUSE SHE HAD A
SIMILAR WEIGHT PROBLEM.

ONLY SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE
TO HELP HER DEAL WITH IT.

SHE HAD TO BATTLE
IT ALONE FOR YEARS.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE A
BOYFRIEND SHE COULD BLAME?

IS THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME?

NO.

WELL, I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO SAY.

I WOULD LIKE TO PROPOSE A TOAST.

I WAS VERY LUCKY TO HAVE
SOMEONE LIKE GLORIA AT THE SPA.

YES, YOU USUALLY HAVE TO
GO ALL THE WAY TO A HAIR SALON

FOR THAT KIND OF INSIGHT.

HERE, TAKE THAT.

YES, UH, WELL, UH...

DAPHNE, THE IMPORTANT
THING IS THAT...

IS THAT YOU'RE...
YOU'RE FEELING BETTER

AND THAT... THAT YOU'RE BACK
HOME, WHERE YOU BELONG.

RIGHT. I BETTER MAKE MINE WATER.

CHAMPAGNE IS PURE
SUGAR, YOU KNOW.

NILES, WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU?

OH, FRASIER, YOU WOULD NOT
BELIEVE THE HACK PSYCHOBABBLE

THIS WOMAN HAS FILLED
DAPHNE'S HEAD WITH.

WELL, EVEN IF THAT'S TRUE, THAT'S
NO REASON TO ACT LIKE AN ASS.

NOW, YOU JUST SHAPE UP AND
TREAT DAPHNE WITH RESPECT.

[pig squealing]

[feet stomping]

[plastic and metal breaking]

APPARENTLY THAT PIG
OF YOURS CAN DISH IT OUT,

BUT HE CAN'T TAKE IT.

SO, HOW ABOUT THAT TOAST?

OOH, GOOD IDEA.

RIGHT.

UH, TO DAPHNE,

YOUR WARMTH AND SPIRIT

HAVE HELPED MAKE
THIS PLACE A HOME.

YOUR INFLUENCE CAN BE
SEEN IN A 1000 DIFFERENT WAYS.

UNLESS, OF COURSE, ONE'S
WEARING HIS LOVE GOGGLES.

THAT'S IT. NILES, I
THINK YOU SHOULD GO.

WHAT?

I WANT YOU TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

[door closing]

NICE CALL ON THE
REFRIGERATOR PIG.

SO YOU DON'T THINK I
HAVE A GERM PHOBIA?

NOT AT ALL. JUST A HEALTHY
SENSE OF PERSONAL HYGIENE.

AH! HERE IS THE NUMBER OF THE
MAN WHO CLEANS MY TELEPHONES.

THERE YOU GO.

HE'S THE BEST IN SEATTLE.
NOW, YOU TAKE CARE.

NO, DON'T TOUCH, DON'T
TOUCH. THERE YOU GO.

FRASIER.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, I JUST WANTED TO SEE HOW
YOU WERE DOING AFTER LAST NIGHT.

[door closing]

DAPHNE CAUGHT ME UP
ON WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON.

OH, WONDERFUL.

SO, SHE'S TALKING TO EVERY
THERAPIST UNDER THE SUN BUT ME.

SHE SAID SHE TRIED
TO TALK TO YOU.

NO. SHE TRIED TO BLAME ME.

ACCORDING TO HER
PUPPET MASTER, GLORIA,

DAPHNE OVERATE
BECAUSE SHE WAS AFRAID

SHE COULDN'T LIVE UP
TO MY IMAGE OF HER.

WELL, THERE MAY BE
SOMETHING TO THAT.

OH.

SHE DOES HAVE 7 YEARS
OF FANTASY TO LIVE UP TO.

WHAT FANTASY?

I HAVE A VERY REALISTIC
PICTURE OF DAPHNE.

I LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS.

I HAVE SINCE THE VERY BEGINNING.

ALL RIGHT, WHEN EXACTLY WAS THE VERY
BEGINNING, FOR THE TWO OF YOU, ANYWAY?

WELL, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
YOU INTRODUCED US.

DAPHNE, THIS IS
MY BROTHER, NILES.

YOU'RE DAPHNE?

WHY, YES, I AM.

WELL, UH, WHEN FRASIER TOLD
ME HE'D HIRED AN ENGLISHWOMAN,

I PICTURED SOMEONE A LITTLE
MORE, UH, NOT QUITE SO...

YOU'RE DAPHNE?

RIGHT AGAIN.

LOOK AT YOU, NILES.

THE WOMAN'S A STRANGER TO YOU,

AND YET YOU'RE READY
TO HAND HER YOUR HEART.

WELL, I MAY HAVE BEEN A TAD
SMITTEN. WHAT'S YOUR POINT?

MY POINT IS...

NILES, PAY ATTENTION.

MY POINT IS, YOUR SO-CALLED
REALISTIC PICTURE OF DAPHNE

HAS BEEN CLOUDED FROM THE START

BY YOUR INTENSE
ATTRACTION TO HER.

ALL RIGHT.

PERHAPS AT THE BEGINNING I
WAS BLINDED BY INFATUATION,

BUT OVER THE YEARS, I'VE
LEARNED EVERYTHING ABOUT HER,

AND MY LOVE HAS ONLY DEEPENED.

I... I'VE LEARNED THAT SHE'S
CARING AND... AND COMPASSIONATE.

UH, AND SHE CAN BE
MOODY, SOMETIMES.

SHE LIKES JELLY ON HER
PANCAKES, INSTEAD OF SYRUP.

UH, HER LAUGH, IT'S LIKE MUSIC.

OH, AND THAT GIRL CAN DANCE!

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!
YOU'RE A GODDESS!

OH, I DON'T EVER WANT
THIS MOMENT TO END!

THEN LET'S NOT LET IT!

THIS IS ONE OF MY
FAVORITE MEMORIES.

SEE, THAT'S THE DRESS I WANTED
HER TO WEAR THIS WEEKEND.

ISN'T SHE SPECTACULAR?

INDEED SHE IS.

SHE'S PERFECT.

OH, OH, WAIT. LOOK
AT THIS. WATCH.

I COME HERE OFTEN.

I SUSPECT A PART OF
YOU HAS NEVER LEFT.

CAN YOU BLAME ME?

LOOK AT US, WE'RE
MAGNIFICENT TOGETHER.

WE'RE MOVING IN PERFECT SYNC.

THERE'S THAT WORD
"PERFECT" AGAIN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

JUST BECAUSE THIS
EVENING WAS PERFECT,

DOESN'T MEAN I'M
IDEALIZING DAPHNE.

NILES, DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF OUT
THERE? YOU CALLED HER A GODDESS.

YOU CAN'T BUILD A HIGHER
PEDESTAL THAN THAT.

WHO COULD POSSIBLY COMPETE
WITH THAT SORT OF IMAGE?

[all applauding]

THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I'M WELL AWARE THAT'S
JUST ONE SIDE OF HER.

I'M ALSO ACQUAINTED WITH HER
ORDINARY, DOMESTIC, EVERYDAY SIDE.

♪ DUM-TAH, DUM-TAH,
DUM-TAH, DUM-TAH ♪

♪ DUM-TAH, DUM-TAH ♪
♪ HEART AND SOUL ♪

♪ DUM-TAH, DUM-TAH ♪ ♪
I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU ♪

♪ DUM-TAH, DUM-TAH ♪
♪ HEART AND SOUL ♪

♪ DUM-TAH, DUM-TAH ♪ ♪
THE WAY A FOOL WOULD DO ♪

OH, PLEASE! (both) ♪ MADLY ♪

WHAT?

EVEN YOUR EVERYDAY
MEMORIES ARE IDEALIZED.

HOW LONG UNTIL THE CARTOON
BLUEBIRD LANDS ON HER SHOULDER?

ALL RIGHT.

♪ [both singing] SO, MAYBE MY
MEMORIES OF DAPHNE ARE PERFECT.

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT
PERHAPS DAPHNE JUST IS PERFECT?

(both) ♪ BECAUSE
YOU HELD ME TIGHT ♪

♪ I HELD YOU TIGHT,
IT SERVES YOU RIGHT ♪

♪ I STOLE A KISS GOODNIGHT ♪

[laughing] YOU SILLY OLD THING!

I'M GOING HOME.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HOW COME?

NOTHING ELSE TO SAY.

NILES, I LOVE YOU.

AND I LOVE DAPHNE.

I JUST HOPE THE TWO OF YOU CAN
WORK THIS THING OUT TOGETHER.

NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT,
DON'T GO, DON'T GO.

HELP ME UNDERSTAND.

WHY IS EVERYONE ACTING LIKE
I'VE DONE SOMETHING WRONG?

THE ONLY THING I AM
GUILTY OF IS LOVING DAPHNE,

AND THAT'S ALL I'VE EVER DONE.

YES. YES, AND HOW
DID YOU LOVE HER?

FROM AFAR.

YOU WERE NEVER
IN LOVE "WITH" HER.

YOU WERE IN LOVE "AT" HER.

NOW YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN A CHANCE

TO EXPERIENCE HER
IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP

AND YET, FOR SOME
REASON, YOU'RE RESISTING IT.

RATHER THAN SEE
HER AS SHE REALLY IS,

YOU KEEP HOLDING
ON TO THE FANTASY.

NO. THAT'S NOT TRUE.

NILES, THE WOMAN
GAINED 60 POUNDS,

AND EVERYBODY IN THE
WORLD SAW IT BUT YOU.

ALL YOU EVER SAW WAS A
PERFECT WOMAN IN A RED DRESS.

[clearing throat]

OK, IF YOU'RE RIGHT,
AND THAT'S A BIG "IF",

WHY WOULD I DO THAT?

MAYBE DAPHNE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S AFRAID SHE WON'T MEASURE UP.

MAYBE YOU'RE AFRAID, TOO.

AFTER ALL, IF IT TURNS OUT
THAT SHE'S NOT PERFECT,

THEN THERE'S A CHANCE
THINGS WON'T WORK OUT.

THEN NOT ONLY WILL
YOU LOSE DAPHNE,

BUT YOU'LL HAVE WASTED

THE LAST 7 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE

CHASING AN ILLUSION.

[door opening]

OH, ROZ, WHAT A
PLEASANT SURPRISE.

BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE. I
JUST SOLD MY CHILDREN'S BOOK.

HEY, THAT'S GREAT!

CONGRATULATIONS, ROZ!

THANKS. YOU KNOW, THIS YOUNG
EDITOR WHO'S, LIKE, 23 YEARS OLD,

HIS NAME WAS SCOTT,

AND I FIGURED HE'D JUST BE INTO
ACTION FIGURES AND VIDEO GAMES.

AND THERE I WAS WITH THIS SIMPLE
LITTLE STORY, BUT HE LOVED IT.

(Frasier) THAT'S GREAT.
CONGRATULATIONS.

I'VE BEEN SAVING A VERY SPECIAL
BOTTLE, FOR JUST SUCH AN OCCASION.

UH, WHILE YOU'RE IN THERE,
GET ME MY VERY SPECIAL CAN.

I'VE GOT TO CALL MY MOTHER. SHE IS
GONNA GET SUCH A KICK OUT OF THIS.

MOM? HEY, DO YOU
REMEMBER THAT STORY,

THAT YOU USED TO TELL
ME WHEN I WAS A KID?

YOU KNOW, ABOUT THE LITTLE
GIRL AND HER GRANDFATHER.

YES. WELL, I JUST
GOT IT PUBLISHED.

[laughing]

WHAT?

WELL, YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

OK. FINE. JUST FORGET I CALLED.

[cork popping]

WELL, YOU CAN PUT THAT AWAY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

APPARENTLY I JUST
SOLD MY PUBLISHER HEIDI.

I BETTER GET OVER THERE
AND LET HIM KNOW BEFORE HE...

[cell phone ringing]

HELLO. OH, HEY, SCOTT. I
KNOW. I JUST HEARD. WEIRD, HUH?

HEY, TELL HIM ABOUT EDDIE. SHH.

I AM SO SORRY.

IT WAS A MOVIE, TOO?

OH. HI. HEY.

HEY, FRASIER. HI, DAD.

(both) HI, NILES.

[door closing]

HELLO, DAPHNE.

HELLO.

DAD, UH, WHAT DO YOU SAY, WE HEAD
OUT FOR DINNER, OVER AT THE STEAK HOUSE.

THE STEAK HOUSE? REALLY?

WHAT THE HELL!

THE BLOOD'S JUST BEEN FLYING
THROUGH MY ARTERIES LATELY.

(Martin) JUST GIVE ME A
MINUTE TO GET READY.

(Frasier) RIGHT. RIGHT.

DAPHNE.

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
FOR THE OTHER NIGHT.

I WAS RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL,
AND I'M SORRY I HURT YOU.

APOLOGY ACCEPTED.

OH, COME HERE. THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I WAS JUST ABOUT
TO MAKE MYSELF SOME DINNER.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO JOIN ME?

I WOULD LOVE THAT.

ACTUALLY, WAIT, DAPHNE.

I'M... I'M GONNA PASS ON DINNER.

OH, IT'S NO TROUBLE.

NO, I KNOW. IT'S JUST THAT...

I DON'T REALLY CARE
FOR YOUR COOKING.

WHAT?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT THE
BEST COOK IN THE WORLD.

IN FACT, YOU'RE NOT VERY
GOOD AT COOKING AT ALL.

BAD, BAD COOK!

WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING?

UM, WELL, WE'RE OFF!

GOD BLESS YOU, SON.

[door closing]

YOU OK?

HOW COULD I BE, AFTER THAT
HORRIBLE THING YOU JUST SAID TO ME?

OH, I'M SORRY, DARLING. I...
I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU,

THAT I SEE YOU THE
WAY YOU REALLY ARE.

AND WHO I AM IS A BAD COOK,
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

NO, NO, NO, NO.
NO, THAT'S NOT FAIR.

I... I... I THOUGHT THIS
WAS WHAT YOU WANTED.

WELL, IT STILL HURTS.

I HAVE FEELINGS, YOU KNOW.

I THOUGHT YOU LOVED MY COOKING.

WELL, YOU CERTAINLY COULD
HAVE HANDLED THIS BETTER.

WELL, THEN I DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

I CAN'T READ MINDS, YOU KNOW.

AND, BY THE WAY,
NEITHER CAN YOU.

ARE YOU SAYING YOU
DON'T THINK I'M PSYCHIC?

NOT IF YOU THOUGHT I
LOVED YOUR COOKING.

WELL, I'M SORRY IT'S NOT THAT
HOITY-TOITY CRAP YOU EAT!

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU...
YOU THINK I'M PRETENTIOUS?

YOU'D EAT A WORM IF I
GAVE IT A FRENCH NAME.

WELL, FINE. IF THAT'S
THE WAY YOU FEEL,

MAYBE I'LL JUST HAVE
DINNER BY MYSELF.

WELL, GOOD. IT'LL SPARE YOU
THE HELL THAT'S MY COOKING!

I AM SO SORRY! I
LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

I DIDN'T MEAN ANY
OF THOSE THINGS.

OH, YES, YOU DID.
AND I DID, TOO.

YOU'RE A PRETENTIOUS SNOB,
WITH YOUR WINE AND YOUR OPERA.

WELL, YOU NEVER
GIVE OPERA A CHANCE!

YOU'RE TOO JUDGMENTAL.

AND YOU'RE A CLEAN FREAK!

WELL, I HATE YOUR
UNICORN COLLECTION!

AND, AND I HATE THAT YOUR
CLOSET IS BIGGER THAN MINE!

WELL, YOU'RE TOO TALL.

YOU'RE TOO SHORT.

WELL...

OH, OH, OH, DAPHNE!

OH, NILES.

[people chattering]

AH, THERE YOU ARE, NILES.
CAN I HAVE A LATTE, PLEASE?

SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH
YOU AND DAPHNE, HMM?

OH, THANK YOU.

NILES, IS EVERYTHING OK?

AH.

YOU KNOW THE BEST PART, FRASIER?

IT WASN'T AT ALL
LIKE I IMAGINED IT.

(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪

♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

QUITE STYLISH.

♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪

♪ WELL, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪

[laughing]

♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪

GOOD NIGHT,
SEATTLE, WE LOVE YOU!