Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 17 - It Takes Two to Tangle - full transcript

HI, NILES. HEY, ROZ.

HEY, HOW'S DAPHNE?

UH, ACTUALLY, I JUST GOT BACK
FROM VISITING HER AT THE SPA.

YEAH. IT WASN'T EASY,
BUT SHE HAS ALREADY LOST

9 POUNDS AND 12 OUNCES.

WOW, GOOD FOR HER.

IT'S ALL ABOUT WILLPOWER. YEAH.

OOH, THANKS.

UM, I'M GOING BACK TO THE SPA THIS
COMING WEEKEND IF YOU NEED A RIDE.

[chuckling] OH, THESE
AREN'T FOR ME.

ALICE'S SCHOOL
IS HAVING A PICNIC,



AND I'M BRINGING THE GOODIES.

YES, SO I SEE. JUST DON'T
GET THEM SUNBURNED.

I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST...

WELL, AREN'T YOU A LITTLE
OVERDRESSED FOR A PICNIC?

WELL, THERE IS THIS CUTE
SINGLE DAD NAMED GREG.

OH. HE'S GOING
THROUGH A DIVORCE.

HMM. HIS WIFE CHEATED ON HIM.

HE'S SO NICE, TOO.

HE DESERVES A
WOMAN HE CAN TRUST.

DO THESE LOOK LIKE I BAKED THEM?

YES, JUST AS LONG AS THEY
DON'T TASTE LIKE YOU BAKED THEM.

GOTTA GO. ALL RIGHT.

HI, ROZ. HEY, FRASIER.

CAN I GET A LATTE TO GO, PLEASE?



WELL, NILES,

HEY. IT'S OFFICIAL.

OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL IS ON
THE VERGE OF BANKRUPTCY.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE FUNDRAISING COMMITTEE?

WE DISBANDED IT THIS MORNING.

[sighing]

I DON'T BELIEVE IT. YEAH.

BRYCE ACADEMY, GONE.

MMM-HMM.

NO MORE 3RD FLOOR LIBRARY. NO.

NO MORE SCIENCE LAB. OH, GOSH.

I STOLE MY FIRST KISS
IN THAT SCIENCE LAB.

[chuckling]

JILL SOLOMON.

SHE WAS PRETTY UPSET ABOUT IT,

BUT I WAS BEAMING ALL THE
WAY TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.

NO MORE NURSE'S OFFICE? MMM.

I SPENT MANY A HAPPY
GYM CLASS THERE.

MMM-HMM.

FRASIER, WE CAN'T
LET THIS HAPPEN.

I DON'T SEE HOW WE
CAN PREVENT IT, NILES.

BELIEVE ME, THERE ARE NO MORE
ALUMNI ARMS LEFT TO BE TWISTED.

WELL, MAYBE WE'RE
TWISTING THE WRONG ARMS.

WE KNOW PLENTY OF PEOPLE WHO'D
GIVE TO ANY CAUSE THAT COMES ALONG.

PERHAPS YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S GET
SOME OF THAT CASH FLOWING BRYCE'S WAY.

YES, NOW, HOW SOON DO YOU THINK

WE CAN GET SOME OF OUR
WELL-TO-DO FRIENDS TOGETHER?

NO TIME TO WASTE, NILES.
HOW'S WEDNESDAY EVENING?

UH, UH, NO, CAN'T. I
HAVE THEATER TICKETS.

UH, HOW ABOUT THURSDAY?
AN APPOINTMENT AT THE SPA.

WELL, CAN YOU CHANGE
IT? WELL, NOT WILLINGLY.

IT'S WITH THE GOOD
MASSEUR, THE BLIND ONE.

HE'S BLIND. YES, YES.

WHEN THEY SAID HE
COULDN'T SEE CLIENTS

I THOUGHT HE WAS
JUST BOOKED ALL WEEK.

YOU KNOW, WE SHOULD PROBABLY TALK
STRATEGY BEFORE THE GUESTS GET HERE.

YES, ALL RIGHT. WELL,
WE DON'T WANNA POUNCE.

LET'S LET THEM GET SETTLED IN,

HAVE A FEW COCKTAILS. YES.

AND THEN WHEN THEY'RE
SUFFICIENTLY RELAXED,

WE'LL SHEAR THEM LIKE DELILAH.

[both laughing]

[doorbell ringing] OOH,
OUR FIRST GUEST.

LET THE FUNDRAISING BEGIN!

[chuckling]

HELLO, ONE AND
ALL. PLEASE COME IN.

PLEASE COME IN.
THANK YOU FOR COMING.

LET ME TAKE YOUR
WRAP. HERE WE ARE.

PLEASE MAKE YOURSELVES AT HOME.

FRASIER, THE PLACE
LOOKS WONDERFUL.

(Frasier) THANK YOU. I
LOVE THAT PAINTING.

REALLY? WELL, IT'S
HARDLY AS IMPRESSIVE

AS THAT PORTRAIT THAT
HOCKNEY DID OF YOUR WIFE.

OH, YOU LIKE IT? MMM!

MAKE ME AN OFFER. EXCUSE ME?

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, I'M GETTING
HAMMERED BY MARGIN CALLS.

[doorbell ringing] NEED A WATCH?

OH...

ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT...
WELL... WELL. OH, MERTZIE!

[laughing] GOOD TO SEE
YOU! HOW IS EVERYTHING?

SO THE JUDGE VOIDED OUR PRENUP.

AND IF THAT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH,
I'M PAYING HALF HER LAWYER'S FEE.

THESE RUSSIAN GALS LOOK
GOOD ON THE INTERNET, BUT...

HOW ARE THINGS GOING
ON YOUR SIDE OF THE ROOM?

NOT VERY WELL.

IT SEEMS MARSHALL SANK ALL
HIS MONEY INTO A NEW HOUSE,

SALLY SANK ALL HER
MONEY INTO A NEW BOAT

WHICH SANK.

WAIT. NILES, AT THE DOOR.

ISN'T THAT... OH, YES,
IT IS. ELEANOR LYNCH.

I HEARD SHE GOT A HUGE
SETTLEMENT FROM THE MARINERS

AFTER THAT BASEBALL BAT FLEW
INTO THE STANDS... NO, NO, NO, NO.

THE WOMAN NEXT TO HER.
ISN'T THAT PENELOPE JANVIER?

OF THE PENELOPE
JANVIER FOUNDATION? YES.

[gasps] YES, IT IS!

NILES, THIS IS AMAZING LUCK.

SHE COULD WRITE A CHECK COVERING THE
WHOLE AMOUNT WITHOUT BATTING AN EYE.

YES. DON'T PUT IT THAT
WAY IN FRONT OF ELEANOR.

YEAH. LET'S GO TALK TO HER.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LISTEN, WE'RE ONLY GONNA
HAVE ONE CRACK AT THIS,

WE BETTER MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DEVISE A LITTLE PLAN.
COME WITH ME. OK, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OOH!

[groaning] OH, MY GOODNESS.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, I JUST TWISTED MY ANKLE.

WELL, WELL, SIT DOWN. I'LL TAKE
THIS BACK TO THE KITCHEN FOR YOU.

OH, THANK YOU.

PSST! HEY, SWEETHEART.

NEED SOME MORE CRUNCH 'N MUNCH.

[stammering] OH, I'M NOT...

I'M SORRY. I'M SURE YOU'RE BUSY,

BUT IF MY SONS SEE ME
TRAIPSING THROUGH THEIR PARTY

THEY'LL THINK I'M GOING
TO EMBARRASS THEM

IN FRONT OF ALL THEIR
STUFFED-SHIRT FRIENDS.

YOU LOOK FAMILIAR.

YOU EVER DANCE?

NOW, WE'VE GOT TO
APPEAR CASUAL. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. SHALL WE START
WITH A LITTLE SMALL TALK?

PERHAPS, PERHAPS. OH,
YES. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I RECALL AN APHORISM THAT'S
USUALLY ATTRIBUTED TO SANTAYANA,

BUT I HAVE MY OWN
LITTLE VERSION.

WE'VE GOT TO GET
OUT THERE RIGHT NOW.

NO, JUST GIVE ME A CHANCE
TO GET THE WORDS RIGHT.

"MONEY CANNOT
SO ENRICH A MAN"...

SHE'S TALKING TO DAD. LET'S
GET THE HELL OUT THERE!

DAD, DAD, WHAT HAPPENED
WITH THAT WOMAN JUST NOW?

NOTHIN'. SHE GOT A PHONE CALL AND
SHE HAD TO LEAVE. SHE SAID TO SAY THANKS.

OH, COME OFF IT, YOU
OFFENDED HER SOMEHOW.

WHAT WAS IT, DAD? A BAWDY
JOKE? NOSE WHISTLING?

DO YOU HAVE ANY
IDEA WHO THAT WAS?

YES, SHE SAID HER NAME WAS
PENELOPE JOHNVIER OR JANEVIER...

JANVIER, DAD, JAN, JAN.
OH, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

WELL, IT DOES TO ME.

I WANNA SAY HER NAME RIGHT IF
WE'RE HAVING DINNER TOMORROW.

OH, GOD. YOU... YOU DIDN'T
ASK HER OUT, DID YOU, DAD?

NO, SHE ASKED ME OUT.

OH.

I'M... I'M SORRY, DAD, IT'S JUST
THAT I'M A LITTLE SHOCKED.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I THINK
THAT'S PRONOUNCED,

"SORRY, DAD, I'M A
CONDESCENDING JACKASS."

DAD LEFT TO MEET PENELOPE 5 HOURS
AGO. WHAT COULD THEY BE DOING?

I CAN THINK OF ONE POSSIBILITY.

YOU TH...

ON A FIRST DATE?

NILES, THEY WENT TO A STEAK
HOUSE, PENELOPE'S PAYING.

I'M SORRY, BUT I DON'T THINK A
48-OUNCER IS OUT OF THE QUESTION.

YOU KNOW, NILES,

[chuckling]

HARD TO BELIEVE

BUT PENELOPE JANVIER COULD
ACTUALLY BECOME DAD'S GIRLFRIEND.

[laughing]

WELL, THAT'S NOT
SO PREPOSTEROUS.

MOM WAS AS CULTURED AND
INTELLIGENT AS THEY COME,

AND HE CERTAINLY MADE HER HAPPY.

THAT HE DID.

YOU KNOW, IT MIGHT
BE GOOD FOR DAD, TOO.

THANK YOU. YEAH.

CERTAINLY WON'T HURT
OUR FUNDRAISING EFFORTS.

[murmuring]

FOR BRYCE. FOR BRYCE.

[Martin and Estelle laughing]

HE'S BACK.

IS THAT A WOMAN'S VOICE?

MY GOD, SHE CAME HOME WITH HIM.

DAD! UH...

DAD, HEY, UH, HOW
WAS YOUR EVENING?

(Martin) AH, IT COULDN'T
HAVE GONE BETTER.

DAD, AM I MISTAKEN,
OR DID WE JUST HEAR

THE SOUND OF A
WOMAN'S VOICE OUT HERE?

OH, YEAH, SHE'S IN
THE POWDER ROOM.

UH, BUT LISTEN...
THE POWDER ROOM!

[clicking tongue] I HAVEN'T CHANGED
THE HAND TOWELS FOR 3 DAYS.

DON'T YOU CLUCK
YOUR TONGUE AT ME.

UH...

[Martin laughing] OH.

ESTELLE, I'D LIKE
YOU TO MEET MY BOYS.

UH, THIS IS FRASIER AND NILES.

NICE TO MEET YOU GUYS. HELLO.

LOVELY, ESTELLE. LOVELY.

THANKS FOR LETTING
ME USE THE JOHN.

OH, SURE. UH, SO, SEE YOU
TOMORROW, OK? OH, GREAT.

[both chuckling]

[exclaiming]

[chuckling]

BYE, GUYS. BYE-BYE.

[door closing]

[exhaling] I'M BEAT.

[laughing]

WELL, SEE YOU GUYS TOMORROW.

(both) DAD.

OH, ALL RIGHT. HERE'S
WHAT HAPPENED.

PENELOPE AND I GOT ALONG GREAT.

BUT AFTER I DROPPED HER
OFF, I WAS STILL HUNGRY,

SO I WENT TO THIS LITTLE
COFFEE SHOP NEAR McGINTY'S

TO GET SOME CHILI FRIES.

NOW, I KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE WONDERING.

DOESN'T McGINTY'S
HAVE CHILI FRIES?

YES, AND THEY'RE VERY TASTY...

WHO THE HELL IS ESTELLE?

WELL, SHE WORKS
IN THE COFFEE SHOP.

WE GOT CHATTIN', AND
THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

WE'RE HAVING A
NIGHTCAP AT McGINTY'S.

[chuckling] HEY, WHEN IT
RAINS, IT POURS. OH, GOD.

YES, DAD, BUT WHAT
ABOUT PENELOPE?

OH, I'M SEEING HER TUESDAY.

YOU JUST MADE A
DATE WITH ESTELLE.

NOT FOR TUESDAY.

YOU'RE GOING TO
DATE BOTH OF THEM?

ARE YOU SURE THAT'S
WISE? WELL, IT'S JUST DATING.

I MET THEM BOTH
AT THE SAME TIME.

I LIKE 'EM BOTH. UH,
WHERE'S THE HARM IN IT?

[stammering] WELL, DON'T
YOU THINK IT'S A LITTLE RISKY?

I MEAN, WHAT IF ONE OF THEM SHOULD FIND
OUT ABOUT... YEAH, PENELOPE, FOR EXAMPLE.

YES, YES, I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T
WANT TO ALIENATE HER PERMANENTLY.

OH, DON'T WORRY. I'VE
WATCHED YOU JUGGLE.

I'VE GOT A PRETTY GOOD
HANDLE ON WHAT NOT TO DO.

OH, HI, NILES. HEY, ROZ.

OFF TO ANOTHER PICNIC, I SEE.

YEAH, GREG AND I ARE
REALLY HITTING IT OFF.

HE LOVES MY COOKING. OH.

I'M SORRY, MISS, WE'RE
OUT OF LEMON BARS.

WELL, MAKE SOME MORE.

AND GIVE ME A DIRTY PAN. I
NEED TO PUT IT IN MY SINK.

I'M SORRY. OUR BAKER DOESN'T
COME IN UNTIL TOMORROW.

I CAN GIVE YOU THE RECIPE.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED
TO DO WITH THAT?

BAKE.

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY?

GOOD LORD, NILES.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.

BRYCE TRUSTEES ARE
ALREADY REVIEWING A PROPOSAL

FOR THE PURCHASE OF THEIR LAND.

OH... OH... OH, UH,
DAD JUST WALKED IN.

LET'S DROP ANOTHER HINT
ABOUT MEETING PENELOPE.

THE TIME FOR HINTS HAS PASSED,
NILES. WE'VE GOT TO BE DIRECT.

DAD IS NOT GOING TO LET US
ASK HIS GIRLFRIEND FOR MONEY.

I DIDN'T SAY HONEST, I SAID DIRECT.
TRY TO KEEP UP FOR GOD SAKES.

(Martin) HEY, GUYS. HI, DAD.

HEY, DAD, HAVE A
SEAT. HAVE A SEAT, UH...

SO... WOW. IS THAT ESPRESSO?

YEAH. A LITTLE PICK-ME-UP
IN BETWEEN DATES.

BOY, THIS JUGGLING THING
ISN'T AS EASY AS I MAKE IT LOOK.

BUT DON'T YOU WORRY,

THEY'RE BOTH GETTING FIRST-CLASS
PASSAGE ON THE S.S. MARTIN.

OH, THAT'S WHERE
YOU GET THAT FROM.

[cell phone ringing]

GOOD HEAVENS. THAT'S ME.

YOU GOT A CELL PHONE?

WELL, SURE. I HAD TO.

YOU DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO GIVE
THEM BOTH MY HOME NUMBER, DO YOU?

COME ON, FRASE, THAT'S
AMATEUR HOUR. OH.

YEAH, SEE, I PROGRAMMED THE PHONE FOR
DIFFERENT RINGS DEPENDING ON WHO'S CALLING

SO THAT WAY I DON'T
GET CAUGHT OFF GUARD.

NOW, THIS IS WILLIAM TELL.

RHYMES WITH ESTELLE.

[chuckling]

HELLO?

OH, HI, ESTE... NELOPE.

PENELOPE. THAT'S RIGHT,
HER SON'S NAME'S WILLIAM.

AH.

UH, YEAH.

OH, SURE. TUESDAY SOUNDS GREAT.

PICK ME UP AT 7:00? OK.

SEE YOU THEN, PENELOPE.

VERY SMOOTH. YES, YES, DAD.

UH, DAD, A-ABOUT PENELOPE,
ACTUALLY, WE WERE WONDERING...

[cell phone ringing]

OH. NOW YOU SEE,
THAT'S ESTELLE. AH.

HELLO?

HEY, ESTELLE, I HAD A
FEELING IT MIGHT BE YOU.

[laughing]

UH, TUESDAY AT 7:00?
SOUNDS GREAT. YEAH.

OH, OH, HOLD ON A SEC. WHAT?

DIDN'T YOU JUST MAKE A DATE FOR
TUESDAY AT 7:00 WITH PENELOPE?

THAT WAS THURSDAY, WASN'T IT?
NO, NO, NO, WE BOTH HEARD TUESDAY.

OH, THANKS. BOY, THAT
COULD'VE BEEN UGLY.

YEAH, UH, ESTELLE?

NO, SORRY, THURSDAY'S
OUT. HAS TO BE TUESDAY.

NO, NO, NO, NO! NO, WAIT, WAIT.

UM, UH, UH. NO, THURSDAY.

THURSDAY IS WHAT I MEANT.

YEAH.

OK, TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE.

SHE'S GOT IT BAD,
AND THAT AIN'T GOOD.

(Frasier) YES, UH...

DAD, UH, UH, LISTEN,
W-WE WERE THINKING

IT MIGHT BE TIME THAT WE,
UH, MEET, UH, PENELOPE.

SHE SOUNDS ENCHANTING.

YEAH, ENCHANTING.
HOW'S TOMORROW?

OH, GUYS, I DON'T
KNOW, YOU KNOW.

MEETING THE FAMILY, THAT'S
TAKING IT UP ANOTHER NOTCH.

UH, I DON'T WANT TO
GET THAT SERIOUS YET.

MAYBE IN A FEW MONTHS,

BUT RIGHT NOW I JUST
WANT TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

SIMPLE? AS IN "ESTENELOPE?"

HELLO! WHO'S THAT?

DAD. FOR GOD'S SAKE!

ISN'T THERE ENOUGH
ON YOUR PLATE AS IT IS?

WHAT CAN I TELL YOU?

DADDY'S GOT A BIG APPETITE.

DEAR GOD.

WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS
WE COULD HAVE HIM NEUTERED.

WELL, I SUPPOSE WE COULD TRY TO GET
TO PENELOPE THROUGH HER FOUNDATION.

YEAH. I ALREADY TRIED THAT. THERE'S A
6-MONTH WAITING LIST JUST TO SEE HER.

[cell phone ringing]

LORD, DAD LEFT HIS PHONE. MAYBE I
BETTER RUN AND TELL HIM IT'S PENELOPE...

YOU KNOW, I'LL NEVER CATCH HIM.

NO, HE'S LONG GONE AND WOULD
PROBABLY WANT YOU TO TAKE A MESSAGE.

HELLO?

NO, THIS IS HIS SON, FRASIER.

PENELOPE JANVIER?

OH, WELL, HOW NICE
TO SPEAK WITH YOU.

A COCKTAIL PARTY.

TOMORROW NIGHT.

HE'LL BE THERE.

IN FACT, I'LL MAKE SURE OF
THAT. I'LL BE DRIVING HIM MYSELF.

YOU SEE, MY BROTHER, NILES,
AND I WILL BE WITH HIM ALL DAY.

IT'S OUR ONCE-A-YEAR FAMILY DAY,

AND WE DO JUST ABOUT
EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

UH, WHAT'S THAT?

ARE YOU SURE? REALLY?

WELL, THEN, YES,
WE'D LOVE TO COME.

(Frasier) MY, PENELOPE
CERTAINLY HAS GOOD TASTE.

WELL, OF COURSE. SHE
LIKES DAD, DOESN'T SHE?

OH, CAN IT.

I'M STILL MAD AT YOU GUYS
FOR INVITING YOURSELVES.

NOW, REMEMBER BE CAREFUL
WHAT YOU SAY IN FRONT OF PENELOPE.

I GOT A DELICATE BALANCING ACT
GOING ON HERE, SO DON'T MESS IT UP.

DON'T MESS WHAT UP?

OH, HI, UH, UH... WELL,
YOUR LOVELY LIVING ROOM.

MY BOYS REALLY
LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE.

[all laughing]

HI. PENELOPE, UH, THESE ARE
MY SONS, NILES AND FRASIER.

YES, HELLO. WE
SPOKE ON THE PHONE.

IT'S SUCH A PLEASURE
TO MEET YOU. THANK YOU.

DAD SPEAKS ABOUT
YOU ALL THE TIME. YES.

[cell phone ringing]

[stuttering] OH, UH, THAT'S
JUST MY, UH, MY ALARM

TO REMIND ME TO TAKE MY PILLS.

OH, WELL, LET'S GET YOU A GLASS OF
WATER. OH, NO, NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

I... I'D RATHER DO IT
IN PRIVATE. THANK YOU.

YEAH, HE HAS TROUBLE SWALLOWING.

A SMALL EPIGLOTTIS, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, YEAH. GOSH. EPIGLOTTIS.

I HAVEN'T HEARD THAT WORD SINCE
BIOLOGY CLASS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OH. OH, YES. HIGH SCHOOL.

[clicking tongue] YEAH.

IT'S A PITY ABOUT OUR OLD
HIGH SCHOOL... OH, WILLIAM.

NILES, FRASIER. MMM-HMM?

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MY SON, WILLIAM.

AH, HELLO.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

THESE ARE MARTY'S BOYS.

OH. HI.

DID I JUST HEAR DR. KALLMAN
ASK YOU FOR $50,000

FOR A NEW CAT SCAN
MACHINE AT THE HOSPITAL?

IT IS A WORTHY CAUSE.

YES, MOTHER, THEY ALL ARE,

BUT IT'S INAPPROPRIATE TO HIT
YOU UP FOR MONEY AT A PARTY.

OH, I KNOW. TEDDY WAS YOUR
FATHER'S CLOSEST FRIEND.

BOURBON WAS MY
FATHER'S CLOSEST FRIEND.

I SHOWED TED OUT.

WILLIAM, HE DELIVERED YOU.

EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO GET HIM.

YES, ALL RIGHT.

PEOPLE LOOK AT MY MOTHER,
ALL THEY SEE IS DOLLAR SIGNS.

IT MAKES ME SICK. AH. YEAH.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

US? OH, WELL, ACTUALLY, YOUR
MOTHER INVITED US. SHE DID.

UH-OH. MOTHER'S BEEN
CORNERED BY FATHER PATTERSON.

OR SHOULD I SAY, FATHER SPONGE.

(Frasier) OH, MY GOODNESS.

IT'S GOING TO BE HARD PRESSING OUR
CASE TO PENELOPE WITH HIM AROUND.

DON'T WORRY, NILES,
W-WE'LL GET A CHANCE.

WE'VE GOT ALL NIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

DON'T GET TOO COMFORTABLE,
BOYS. WE GOTTA LEAVE. WHAT?

WELL, TURNS OUT I HAD A
DATE WITH ESTELLE TONIGHT,

AND SHE'S BEEN
WAITING A HALF AN HOUR.

IT'S NOT LIKE ME TO
SCREW UP LIKE THIS.

WH-WHAT ABOUT PENELOPE, DAD? YOU
CANNOT JUST WALK OUT ON HER PARTY.

WELL, HEY, ESTELLE TOOK THE EVENING
OFF SPECIAL JUST TO BE WITH ME, YOU KNOW,

AND SHE'S PRETTY STEAMED.

RULES OF THE GAME:
ANGRIEST WOMAN WINS.

[cell phone ringing]

OH, JEEZ. OH, GOOD LORD.

[stuttering] GRAB YOUR COATS.

WELL, UH... (Penelope) FRASIER?

YES? WHERE'S YOUR FATHER OFF TO?

UH, HE... HE HAD
TO TAKE MORE PILLS.

OH, MY GOODNESS, I HAD NO IDEA
HE WAS ON SO MUCH MEDICATION.

ARE YOU CONCERNED?
WELL, UH, NOT REALLY.

NO, HE'LL BE FINE.

I JUST WISH I COULD SAY THE
SAME FOR OUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL.

WHAT ARE YOU
THREE TALKING ABOUT?

(Niles) UM, WILLIAM,
THERE YOU ARE.

EXCUSE US. I JUST WANTED TO ALERT
YOU TO A... A POSSIBLE SITUATION.

I OVERHEARD ONE OF THE
SERVERS DISCUSSING A ONE-ACT PLAY

HE WANTS YOUR MOTHER TO PRODUCE.

OK, WHICH ONE?

I THINK IT WAS
SOMETHING BY CHEKOV.

THE LONG AND THE SHORT
OF IT, MS. JANVIER, IS... IS THAT

MY ALMA MATER, BRYCE
ACADEMY, IS IN DIRE STRAITS.

THE COFFERS ARE BARE,

AND OUR ONLY HOPE
IS TO FIND A... A SAVIOR.

FORGIVE ME FOR
BEING PRESUMPTUOUS,

BUT I WAS HOPING
IT MIGHT BE YOU.

ACTUALLY, I'M
FAMILIAR WITH BRYCE.

OH, WELL, THEN, YOU
MUST ALSO BE FAMILIAR

WITH THEIR EXCELLENT STANDARDS.

YES, I AM. THEY
WOULDN'T LET IN WILLIAM.

WELL, WITH YOUR ENDOWMENT,
I'M SURE HE'D BE A SHOO-IN.

[laughing]

OH, I... I'M SORRY,
UH, MS. JANVIER.

PLEASE, WE ARE DESPERATE.

ORDINARILY, I WOULDN'T
EVEN CONSIDER THIS,

BUT I'M VERY FOND
OF YOUR FATHER.

CALL THE FOUNDATION
TOMORROW WITH THE DETAILS,

AND WE'LL ISSUE YOU A CHECK.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY
KIND OF YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

IT'S MY PLEASURE.

I'D DO ANYTHING FOR
YOUR FATHER, HE'S A RARITY.

MMM. HE'S AN
OLD-FASHIONED GENTLEMAN.

WELL, I GOT TO
GO. (Frasier) WELL...

MARTY, WHAT'S WRONG?

I'M FEELING A LITTLE
UNDER THE WEATHER.

OH, WELL, THEN MAYBE YOU
OUGHT TO SEE MY DOCTOR.

HE'S HERE AT THE PARTY.
OH, NO, I DON'T NEED A DOCTOR.

THOSE WERE MY
HUSBAND'S LAST WORDS.

DON'T MOVE. ALL
RIGHT, IF YOU INSIST.

UH, PULL THE CAR AROUND. I'M
GOING OUT THROUGH THE KITCHEN.

DAD, DAD, FOR GOD SAKES,
WE CAN'T LEAVE RIGHT NOW.

PENELOPE WILL GET SUSPICIOUS.

ESTELLE'S ALREADY SUSPICIOUS.

BESIDES, I'VE DECIDED TO
BREAK IT OFF WITH PENELOPE.

WHAT? WELL, HEARING
ESTELLE JUST NOW,

HOW UPSET SHE WAS ON THE PHONE, IT MADE
ME REALIZE HOW MUCH I CARED ABOUT HER.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, DAD, LISTEN.

BRYCE ACADEMY IS GOING BANKRUPT.

PENELOPE IS GOING TO WRITE
A CHECK TOMORROW TO SAVE IT.

SO, UNTIL THEN, I
NEED YOU TO PRETEND

THAT YOU'RE STILL INTERESTED
IN HER. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

YOU AND YOUR BROTHER
HAVE BEEN USING ME!

MARTIN?

THIS IS DR. KALLMAN.

OH, WELL, IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU,

BUT I'M FEELING A LOT
BETTER NOW, THANKS.

IF I LET YOU LEAVE WITHOUT
KNOWING IF YOU'RE SICK

I'LL WORRY ALL NIGHT.

AND YOU WOULDN'T WANT
THAT, NOW WOULD YOU, DAD?

HERE WE ARE. OH, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. DOCTOR, BE THOROUGH.

BUT THE PANTS STAY ON.

MS. JANVIER, I REALIZE THAT
I'VE BEEN A LITTLE PUSHY.

OH, NOT PUSHY, JUST ASSERTIVE.

I LIKE THAT.

OH, WELL, THEN, BE
PREPARED TO LOVE ME

BECAUSE I NEED THAT
CHECK RIGHT NOW.

WAS IT THIS ONE,
DEVILED EGG GUY?

UH...

[clearing throat] YOU
KNOW, I'M NOT SURE.

HE AND CHICKEN SATAY
GUY LOOK SO MUCH ALIKE.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SNACK JOCKEYS
IS TRYING TO GET A PLAY PRODUCED?

OH, MS. JANVIER, THANK
YOU AGAIN SO MUCH.

JUST... JUST MAKE IT
OUT TO BRYCE ACADEMY.

DO YOU HAVE A PEN?
OH, YES, OF COURSE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SIGN
AS MANY AUTOGRAPHS AS I DO,

YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE YOUR...

OH, GOOD LORD, I'M...

NEVER MIND.
WILLIAM, I NEED A PEN.

WHAT FOR? I'M WRITING A CHECK.

OH, THAT'S IT. LOOK, WE'RE
GOING DOWN TO THE SPECIAL ROOM

AND WE'RE GOING
TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

OH.

MOTHER, I...

MOTHER, I FORBID YOU
TO WRITE ANOTHER CHECK.

OH, JUST GIVE ME A PEN.

I DON'T HAVE ONE.

MOTHER,

THIS COULD BE AN
ELABORATE SCHEME TO BILK US.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHO THESE GUYS ARE.

WE'RE MARTY'S BOYS!

AND I TRUST MARTIN.

[cell phone ringing]

OH, THAT'S MARTIN'S ALARM.

JUST IGNORE THAT!

THIS IS A PHONE.

WELL, UH, HERE, I'LL TAKE IT.

(Penelope) HELLO?

WELL, THIS IS
PENELOPE. WHO'S THIS?

ESTELLE, MARTIN'S GIRLFRIEND?

MAY I TAKE A MESSAGE?

PILL TIME! UH, TIME
FOR MORE PILLS!

I'LL TELL HIM. OH...

ESTELLE SAYS DON'T BOTHER
COMING OVER TONIGHT.

OH, MARTY, HOW COULD YOU?

I'M SORRY. I WAS... I WAS
GOING TO TELL YOU, BUT...

I GUESS THIS MEANS
BREAKFAST TUESDAY IS OFF?

THAT'S RIGHT, AND
IT WAS THURSDAY.

I DON'T NEED THIS
PEN ANYMORE. UH, NO.

MS. JANVIER, PLEASE. I... I DON'T
BLAME YOU FOR BEING ANGRY,

BUT IF YOU BELIEVE IN
THE HOPE OF TOMORROW

AND A BRIGHTER FUTURE,
THEN PLEASE, PLEASE

DON'T PUNISH THE CHILDREN OF
BRYCE ACADEMY FOR OUR MISDEEDS.

OH, BOO-HOO.

MOTHER! THAT'S ENOUGH, WILLIAM.

I MADE A PROMISE TO THESE
MEN, AND I'M A WOMAN OF MY WORD.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

YOU ARE MORE GRACIOUS
THAN WE DESERVE.

OH, YES. REALLY.

WELL DONE, FRASIER.

OH, NILES, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THE
EXPRESSION ON THE HEADMASTER'S FACE

WHEN HE SEES THIS CHECK FOR

$50?

WHAT? UH, WELL, I...

I GUESS IT'S $50 MORE
THAN WE HAD BEFORE.

WELL, LET'S GO, FELLAS.
UH, GRAB MY COAT, WILL YOU?

RIGHT, DAD.

OH! OH, OH, NO!

(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪

♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

OH, MY.

♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪

♪ WELL, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪

[laughing]

♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪

♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪

FRASIER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.