Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 12 - The Show Must Go Off - full transcript
While attending a science fiction convention for the benefit of his son, Frasier spies Jackson Hedley (Sir Derek Jacobi), an actor whom he remembers from childhood; it was this man who first introduced him to the delights of William Shakespeare. He has long since given up the stage and now plays an android called Tobor in a TV show named Space Patrol. Frasier thinks (and Niles later agrees with him) that this was a great loss to the theatre, and the brothers decide to revive Hedley's career by producing a one-man show for him. Hedley is delighted by the proposition. However, when they see him in action, the brothers start to have their doubts as to whether it is really such a good idea.
(Roz) FRASIER, I KNEW
WHEN YOU BOUGHT ME LUNCH
THERE WAS GOING TO BE A CATCH.
HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE?
WELL, IT SHOULDN'T
TAKE TOO LONG, ROZ.
CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
ACTUALLY SCOURING A
SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION
FOR X-MEN COMICS.
I FEEL LIKE I'M CONTRIBUTING
TO THE DECLINE
OF MY SON'S INTELLECT.
THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?
WELL, BECAUSE I SAID
NO TO THE EYEBROW RING.
OH, EXCUSE ME, GOOD SIR.
UM, COULD YOU DIRECT ME, PLEASE,
TO CUBBY'S WORLD OF COMICS?
YEAH, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE A FIERCE
BUT HELPFUL PEOPLE.
[chuckling] OH, STOP IT.
[people chattering]
GOOD LORD.
IT'S JACKSON HEDLEY.
WHO? JACKSON HEDLEY,
THE FAMOUS SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR.
HE CAME TO MY SCHOOL
WHEN I WAS A TEEN.
HE DID A ONE-MAN
SHOW OF SOLILOQUIES.
IT BEGAN MY LOVE
AFFAIR WITH THE BARD.
EXCUSE ME, ROZ,
I... I THINK I'LL JUST GO PAY
MY RESPECTS TO MR. HEDLEY.
EXCUSE ME. UH, WHAT'S
JACKSON HEDLEY DOING HERE?
SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS.
AND BEING AWESOME.
THEY'VE GOT THE WHOLE CAST OF
SPACE PATROL COMING THIS WEEKEND.
JACKSON HEDLEY WAS
ON A TELEVISION SHOW?
WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
HE'S TOBOR, THE SHIP'S ANDROID.
WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
READING, ATTENDING THE THEATER,
GETTING HAIRCUTS.
HI, ROZ!
HI, NOEL.
SO YOU'RE A CLOSET TREKKER.
I ALWAYS HAD A FEELING WE WERE
MORE THAN MERE COWORKERS.
THIS EXPLAINS THE
HEAT BETWEEN US.
I FEEL HEAT, ALL RIGHT.
'CAUSE I'M IN HELL.
THERE YOU ARE,
DWAYNE. THANKS, TOBOR.
HELLO, MR. HEDLEY. UH, MAY I SAY,
IT'S AN HONOR TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THANK YOU. SO, WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE AUTOGRAPHED TODAY?
ACTUALLY, I ALREADY
HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
I GOT IT AFTER SEEING YOUR
PERFORMANCE OF HAMLET.
OH, MY. THAT WAS
A LONG TIME AGO.
BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.
MAY I SAY, ON BEHALF OF
MY BROTHER AND MYSELF,
THANK YOU FOR
OPENING OUR YOUNG EYES
TO THE WONDERS OF SHAKESPEARE.
YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME.
TELL ME, DO YOU GET TO
DO MUCH THEATER ANYMORE?
OH, NO, I'M AFRAID THOSE
DAYS ARE OVER. MMM.
THE SHOW BECAME SO POPULAR, I CAN'T
GET CAST AS ANYTHING BUT AN ANDROID,
A CYBORG,
OR, WHEN I GET THE CHANCE
TO REALLY SPREAD MY WINGS,
A MUTANT. AH.
WELL, WHAT A SHAME. AH.
FOR YOU AND FOR THEATER.
OH, YOU ARE VERY KIND.
WELL, MY FANS AWAIT. IT WAS
LOVELY MEETING YOU, MR...
FRASIER CRANE. AH.
THANK YOU, MR. HEDLEY.
[clicking tongue] JUST BREAKS MY HEART
TO SEE THAT MAN REDUCED TO THIS.
IT'S SO DEMEANING.
WELL, SO HE'S NOT
DOING SHAKESPEARE,
BUT, LOOK, HE'S GOT TONS
OF FANS THAT WORSHIP HIM.
[sighing] WHAT'S SO
DEMEANING ABOUT THAT?
HEY, TOBOR? HMM?
WOULD YOU DO MY
KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?
[sighing] HERE'S MY CARD.
UH, TRAVEL TIME IS EXTRA
AND I EAT BY MYSELF.
HEY, LOOK WHO I
FOUND AT THE AIRPORT.
[chuckling] WELCOME HOME,
DAD. SO, HOW WAS FLORIDA?
OH, IT WAS A WHIRLWIND.
DUKE AND I HIT THE DOG TRACK
AND THEN WE MET THE MICHAEL
JORDAN OF JAI ALAI PLAYERS
AT THE RED LOBSTER,
BUT THE PLACE I WENT BACK TO MOST
OF ALL WAS CAPTAIN PETE'S GATOR FARM.
AH. AH. DID YOU GO SEE
THE HEMINGWAY HOME?
WELL, YOU KNOW, FRASE, YOU
CAN'T SQUEEZE EVERYTHING IN.
BUT I TELL YOU, THESE
GATORS ARE AMAZING!
YOU'RE OUT IN THE
GLADES IN THIS FAN BOAT,
AND IT'S JUST YOU
AND CAPTAIN PETE
AND THAT COOLER
FULL OF RAW CHICKENS.
AH.
TO THINK I WASTED MY
LAST VACATION IN VIENNA.
AND, UH, THEN HE DANGLES A
CHICKEN AT THE END OF A STICK
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, A 15-FOOT
MONSTER COMES RUSHIN' OUT OF THE WATER
AND HE'S YELLING,
"HURRY UP AND TAKE THE
PICTURE. THIS SUMBITCH IS HEAVY!"
THAT'S DELIGHTFUL, DAD.
WHERE'S DAPHNE?
UH, MY HONEY BUNNY HAS THE FLU.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
PROBABLY GOT IT STANDIN' IN
FRONT OF AN OPEN REFRIGERATOR.
NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK, DAD.
[chuckling]
FRASIER. OH, THANK YOU, NILES.
YOU WILL NEVER GUESS
WHAT I FOUND. HMM?
THIS IS THE AUTOGRAPH JACKSON
HEDLEY GAVE ME IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, NILES.
"DEAR COACH PELLET, PLEASE EXCUSE
NILES FROM GYM FOR OBVIOUS REASONS."
THE OTHER SIDE.
AH. YES, THANK YOU.
[clears throat]
"TO NILES. MY KINGDOM
FOR MORE FANS LIKE YOU.
JACKSON HEDLEY."
GOSH, THAT'S LOVELY.
OF COURSE, I... I'M STILL ENVIOUS
THAT YOU GOT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
OH, YOU WOULDN'T BE IF YOU'D
BEEN AT THAT CONVENTION, NILES.
TO SEE THE MAN
WHO DEFINED HAMLET
REDUCED TO HAWKING
T-SHIRTS AND SCI-FI GEWGAWS.
IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE OF TALENT.
TRAGIC. NO ARTIST SHOULD
HAVE TO ENDURE THAT.
IF ONLY PEOPLE COULD SEE
HIM THE WAY WE DID. MMM.
NILES,
HOW DIFFICULT WOULD IT BE TO
MOUNT JACKSON'S ONE-MAN SHOW?
IT'S RELATIVELY SIMPLE.
THAT'S TRUE. THERE'S MINIMAL
SCENERY, NO SUPPORTING...
WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU
SUGGESTING... WELL, WHY NOT?
THERE'S CERTAINLY NO SHORTAGE
OF THEATERS IN THIS TOWN.
WE COULD DO IT ON A MONDAY NIGHT
WHEN THEY'RE ALL DARK ANYWAY.
YES. WE COULD REVIVE
THE MAN'S CAREER.
JUST THINK WHAT A GIFT
IT WOULD BE TO RETURN
THIS MAN TO THE STAGE
WHERE HE BELONGS.
IT WOULD BE LIKE REPAYING HIM FOR
GIVING US THE GIFT OF SHAKESPEARE.
YES, AND IF THE EVENING GOES
VERY WELL, THEN WHO KNOWS?
WE COULD BE IN FOR A LONG RUN.
WE MIGHT EVEN TAKE IT ON THE ROAD.
WHY NOT A TELEVISION SPECIAL?
WE'D REACH A MUCH LARGER AUDIENCE.
IT COULD BECOME A
COTTAGE INDUSTRY.
T-SHIRTS, POSTERS,
PERSONAL APPEARANCES.
THANK GOD WE'VE COME
ALONG TO SAVE THIS MAN!
OH, NILES. AH! CHEERS.
[footsteps approaching]
(Frasier) GOSH, NILES, I CAN'T WAIT
TO SHOW JACKSON HIS NEW VENUE.
GOSH. WHAT AN HONOR
IT IS TO BE REUNITING
SUCH A GREAT TALENT WITH
THE STAGE. IS HE HERE YET?
NO, HE'S CUTTING THE OPENING
RIBBON AT GALAXY MATTRESSES.
OH.
WELL, ONCE THIS SHOW OPENS,
HE'LL BE ABLE TO THROW AWAY
HIS OVERSIZED NOVELTY SHEARS.
YES, YES. OOH, I JUST CAME
FROM THE BOX OFFICE. YES?
TICKET SALES ARE GOING
AT QUITE A BRISK PACE.
OH! I'M NOT SURPRISED, I
GOT HALF THE STATION COMING.
WELL, I'VE GOT A WHOLE GROUP
COMING FROM THE WINE CLUB.
YOU KNOW, NILES, WE'VE REALLY DONE
A GOOD JOB OF GETTING THE WORD OUT.
YES. THAT'S WHY WE
GET TO BE PRODUCERS.
YES. YES.
HELLO, LADS!
OH, MR. HEDLEY, PLEASE, JOIN
US ON THE STAGE. YES. YES.
OR, SHALL WE SAY, ON
YOUR STAGE. OH, YES.
[Frasier laughing]
(Hedley) OH...
OH, IT IS SUCH A...
SUCH A LONG TIME SINCE
I'VE TROD THE BOARDS.
[sighing]
DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE
ARE GOING TO PAY MONEY TO SEE ME
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
OH, THE WAY THINGS ARE
GOING, WE EXPECT A SELLOUT.
ONE WEEK FROM TODAY, YOU'LL BE
LOOKING OUT ON A PACKED HOUSE.
REALLY? MMM.
DO YOU KNOW THE ONE THING THAT I...
I DON'T MISS ABOUT PERFORMING LIVE?
[stammering]
[panting] IT'S THE JITTERS. AH.
[retching] IT'S THE DRY HEAVES.
MAYBE THIS WASN'T THE BEST IDEA.
NO, NO, I... SIR,
PLEASE, PLEASE.
THE THEATER IS
YOUR TRUE DESTINY.
IT COURSES THROUGH YOUR
VEINS. IT FILLS YOUR LUNGS.
THIS IS YOUR STAGE.
WELCOME HOME.
AND YOU SAID YOU'D
NEVER PRODUCED BEFORE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I BRING YOU
TO A HALL IN ELSINORE CASTLE.
DENMARK.
[wailing] "O
"I DIE, HORATIO
[gasping]
"THE POTENT POISON
QUITE O'ER-CROWS MY SPIRIT
[Hedley gasping]
"I CANNOT LIVE TO HEAR
THE NEWS FROM ENGLAND
"BUT I DO PROPHESY
"THE ELECTION
LIGHTS ON FORTINBRAS
[gasps]
"HE HAS MY DYING VOICE
"THE REST IS
[whispering] SILENCE."
[gasps]
DO YOU KNOW, YOU
BOYS WERE RIGHT!
IT'S AS IF I NEVER LEFT.
HEY, FRASE.
HMM? JUST GOT MY
ALLIGATOR PICTURES BACK.
OH. TAKE A LOOK.
MMM-HMM.
YES. THAT'S CAPTAIN PETE.
RIGHT.
THAT'S THE GATOR BOAT. UH-HUH.
THAT'S A CHICKEN. YEAH.
OH, AND THAT'S HIM.
THE ONE I CALL SNAPPY.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, THAT'S DUKE'S BYPASS
SCAR. I HAD TO USE UP THE ROLL.
[doorbell rings]
YES, WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK AT
THESE LATER, DAD. THAT'LL BE NILES.
HE'S HERE TO DISCUSS OUR
SHOW. YOU WANT A SHOW?
WELL, TAKE A TIP FROM
ME, MR. PRODUCER.
ONE ALLIGATOR, ONE CHICKEN,
ONE SATISFIED AUDIENCE.
OH, HELLO, NILES. COME IN.
FRASIER, I GOT YOUR
MESSAGE. IT SOUNDED URGENT.
YES. YES, IT'S ABOUT JACKSON.
OH, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME
HE'S GETTING ANY WORSE.
YESTERDAY I SAW THE
STAGEHANDS PASSING OUT EARPLUGS.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
HE'S ONLY RUSTY.
AFTER YEARS ON THAT RIDICULOUS SPACE
OPERA, HE'S PICKED UP SOME BAD HABITS.
WELL, I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO
FIND A VIDEOTAPE OF HIS ONE-MAN SHOW.
[gasps] ONCE HE SEES THIS,
IT WILL REMIND HIM OF
WHAT GOOD ACTING IS.
YOU KNOW, SHAKE LOOSE
THE ARTIST FROM THE ANDROID.
THAT, SIR, IS WHY YOU
ARE THE FIRST "CRANE"
IN CRANE & CRANE
PRODUCTIONS. [chuckling] YES.
THANK YOU, NILES. THANK
YOU. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
JACKSON'S ON HIS WAY OVER HERE.
LET'S TAKE A QUICK PEEP AT THIS.
GOOD IDEA.
[panting]
OH, HIS LEAR. YES.
OH, GOSH, THAT
BRINGS BACK MEMORIES.
HERE, LET ME... LET ME
TURN UP THE VOLUME.
(Hedley on T.V.) "BLOW, WINDS,
AND CRACK YOUR CHEEKS!
[yelling] "RAGE! BLOW!
"YOU CATARACTS AND
HURRICANOES, SPOUT
"TILL YOU HAVE
[drawling] "DRENCH'D
OUR STEEPLES
DROWN'D THE COCKS!"
HE'S AWFUL.
THE MAN HAS NO INSTINCTS.
JUST STINKS.
I GUESS WE WERE JUST
TOO YOUNG TO KNOW IT.
FRASIER, THIS IS GOING
TO BE HUMILIATING,
NOT JUST FOR US,
BUT FOR JACKSON.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHAT ALL GOOD PRODUCERS DO.
WE'LL SHUT DOWN AND
BLAME THE DIRECTOR.
[doorbell rings]
THAT'LL BE JACKSON NOW.
NOW, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET
JACKSON TO BOW OUT GRACEFULLY,
AND WE'LL REFUND
ALL THE TICKETS.
HELLO, LADS!
UH, PLEASE, COME IN, MR. HEDLEY.
AH, YOU MUST BE THE CRANE PATER.
IT IS A PLEASURE TO
ENCOUNTER THE HEADWATERS
WHENCE SPRING THESE TWIN RIVERS
UPON WHICH I HAVE
LAUNCHED MY HUMBLE CRAFT.
LIKEWISE.
I'M TELLIN' YA, ONE
GATOR, ONE CHICKEN.
PLEASE, MR. HEDLEY,
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN? UH... YEAH.
OH, I SEE MY PRODUCERS
HAVE LONG FACES. UM...
I THINK I KNOW WHY.
YOU DO?
YEAH, WELL, IT'S
OBVIOUS, ISN'T IT?
IT IS TO US.
WELL, YOUR WORRIES
ARE AT AN END.
I'D FIRE THE DIRECTOR.
THE MAN'S A CLOD.
I MEAN, NOT EVEN THE
STAGEHANDS FOLLOW HIS DIRECTIONS.
HE SHOUTS AT THEM AND
THEY PRETEND NOT TO HEAR.
MR. HEDLEY, IT'S
NOT THE DIRECTOR.
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
WHAT SORT OF PROBLEM?
LET ME BE FRANK,
BECAUSE AN ARTIST OF YOUR
CALIBER DESERVES HONESTY.
AN ACTING PERFORMANCE IS
A JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY.
AH.
[stammering] THIS BRIEF REHEARSAL
TIME THAT WE'VE GIVEN YOU IS
FAR TOO SHORT TO
REACH PARNASSUS,
HOME OF THE MUSES.
FORGIVE US FOR BEING SO BLUNT.
OH, I SEE! WE'RE GETTING
TO THE REAL PROBLEM.
I'VE GOT UNTESTED PRODUCERS,
AND THEY'VE GOT THE JITTERS.
AH, BUT NOT TO WORRY.
IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL.
DO YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
WORKED WITH PRODUCERS
WHO HAVEN'T WANTED TO PULL THE
PLUG BEFORE THE OPENING NIGHT.
BUT I WON'T LET YOU QUIT.
THIS SHOW IS GOING ON. IN THE
WORDS OF OUR GREAT AUTHOR,
"STIFFEN THE SINEWS,
SUMMON UP THE BLOOD!
"DISGUISE FAIR NATURE
[voice breaking] "WITH
HARD-FAVORED RAGE
THEN LEND THE EYE
A TERRIBLE ASPECT"
I THINK HE'S GETTING
BETTER, DON'T YOU?
[people chattering]
(stage manager) 15
MINUTES TO CURTAIN.
LOOK OUT THERE.
EVERYBODY WE KNOW IS OUT THERE.
LOOK AT ALL THOSE SMILING FACES,
SOON TO BE FROZEN IN
A RICTUS OF REVENGE.
THE PLACE IS PACKED.
IT'S STANDING ROOM ONLY.
YOU KNOW, NILES,
I THINK WE MAY HAVE
EXCEEDED MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY.
THAT COULD BE A FIRE HAZARD.
IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE
SHOULD CALL THE FIRE MARSHAL
AND HE SHOULD SHUT US DOWN.
YES, IT WOULD.
A DAMN SHAME IF THE OLD
PHONE IN THE MARSHAL'S OFFICE
[in sing-song voice] WOULD
START TO JINGLE, JINGLE...
JUST CALL!
10 MINUTES TO CURTAIN!
NO, I'M... I'M SORRY, I... I BELIEVE THAT
YOUR WATCH HAPPENS TO BE A TAD FAST.
IT'S ELECTROMAGNETICALLY
SET TO GREENWICH MEAN TIME.
GET ME A SPRITE.
WELL?
THE MARSHAL WILL BE
HERE AS QUICKLY AS HE CAN.
THERE'S A 5-ALARMER
IN THE PAPER DISTRICT.
JUST OUR LUCK!
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?
HEY, GUYS! OH, ROZ.
THIS IS JACKSON HEDLEY'S FATHER.
I FOUND HIM WANDERING AROUND
OUT FRONT LOOKING FOR JACKSON.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
THANK GOD I'M NOT LATE.
YOU KNOW, I'M
JACKSON'S LUCKY CHARM.
DO YOU KNOW, HE'S
SO SUPERSTITIOUS.
ONE DAY I DIDN'T TURN
UP FOR OPENING NIGHT,
AND HE REFUSED TO GO ON.
IS THAT SO?
THEN WE MUST GET
YOU TO HIM IMMEDIATELY.
YOU SEE, YOU'RE AT
THE WRONG THEATER.
OH! YES, YES, JACKSON'S
PERFORMING CLEAR ACROSS TOWN.
BUT THE SIGN OUTSIDE SAYS "AN
EVENING WITH JACKSON HEDLEY."
YES, I KNOW, BUT, YOU SEE,
THERE'S BEEN A... A TERRIBLE
SNAFU SNAFU.
WITH THE MARQUEE LETTERS. YES.
YOU SEE, THEY GOT
OURS, WE GOT THEIRS.
OH, W-W-WELL,
WHAT'S PLAYING HERE?
CATS.
AH. I LOVE CATS.
WELL, WHO DOESN'T? BUT
SURELY YOU LOVE YOUR SON MORE.
[Frasier chuckling]
NOW, LUCKILY, THIS YOUNG LADY
KNOWS THIS TOWN INSIDE OUT.
ROZ, PLEASE ESCORT MR. HEDLEY
TO THE PORTLAND PLAYHOUSE, A.S.A.P.
BUT... THERE'S NO TIME FOR
BUTS! PLEASE, DO IT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, MR. HEDLEY.
OH, PLEASE, CALL ME CECIL.
ALL RIGHT, CECIL.
DO YOU KNOW, I HAVE A
PREDILECTION FOR BRUNETTES.
[both chuckling]
WELL, SHOULD WE GO BREAK
THE BAD NEWS TO OUR STAR? YES.
♪ [singing]
MR. HEDLEY, I'M AFRAID
WE HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR FATHER.
IT SEEMS HIS PLANE IS
GOING TO BE LATE. YES.
WHAT, YOU MEAN MY FATHER
WON'T MAKE IT FOR THE SHOW?
W-WE KNOW THIS MUST
BE DEVASTATING TO YOU.
ON THE CONTRARY!
FOR ONCE, MY PERFORMANCE WON'T BE
INHIBITED BY THAT JUDGMENTAL NITPICKER.
TONIGHT I CAN REALLY CUT LOOSE.
THOSE SEATS IN THE VERY
BACK ROW WILL BE RATTLING.
THAT IS GOOD NEWS.
5 MINUTES TO CURTAIN.
AND NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
IT'S TIME
TO CENTER.
ANY MORE IDEAS?
THESE ARE THE PRODUCERS.
THE, UH, FIRE MARSHAL'S HERE.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEA HOW
MANY PEOPLE YOU GOT OUT THERE?
YOU'RE WAY OVER CAPACITY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
SHUT US DOWN, ARE YOU?
FRASIER, I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE
ADDED ALL THOSE DRY WOODEN SEATS.
WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME
YOU'LL KNOW BETTER.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY OTHER SKULL?
MR. HEDLEY, I'M AFRAID
WE HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
HEY.
YOU'RE TOBOR.
UH, OH, CORRECT.
I USED TO WATCH YOUR
SHOW ALL THE TIME.
I EVEN HAVE THAT OLD PLAYBOY WHEN
SPACE PRINCESS ALEXA DID THAT SPREAD.
THE ONE ON THE LAVA ROCKS.
YES, I'VE GOT THAT ONE, TOO.
(fire marshal) I DIDN'T KNOW HE
WAS THE ONE PERFORMING TONIGHT.
UH, I'LL LET YOU GUYS STAY
OPEN ON ONE CONDITION.
I GET TO WATCH THE SHOW.
WE'RE OUT OF SEATS.
IT'S OK. I'LL SIT IN THE AISLE.
3 MINUTES TO CURTAIN.
AH, HERE'S THE RIGHT ONE!
WELL, WE MAY AS WELL
JUST TAKE OUR LUMPS.
NO. NO. WE'RE NOT
GONNA TAKE ANY LUMPS.
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR
DESPERATE MEASURES. I...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YES. YES.
ALL RIGHT, NILES.
SHIELD YOURSELF, NILES,
"FOR THE RAIN IT
RAINETH EVERY DAY."
THIS PLACE REALLY
IS A DEATHTRAP.
THIS IS HOPELESS.
I MANAGED TO SHAKE THAT WOMAN.
I WANT TO SEE CATS.
[groans]
SON!
FATHER! MY GOOD LUCK CHARM.
[Hedley exclaiming] OH, MY GOD!
OH, MR. HEDLEY,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THINK I'VE BROKEN SOMETHING.
(Niles) OH, MY GOD. LOOK,
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
PLEASE, MAKE SURE
MR. HEDLEY'S COMFORTABLE. YES.
DEAR GOD, NILES,
I FEEL HORRIBLE.
IT'S AS IF WE WISHED IT AND
IT HAPPENED. OH, MY GOD.
HALF OF ME FEELS GUILTY, THE
OTHER HALF FEELS RELIEVED.
ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE 30-70.
WELL, I GUESS I'D BETTER GO
OUT AND MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
[people chattering]
IF I MAY HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
TONIGHT, MY BROTHER,
NILES CRANE, AND I
HAD HOPED TO BRING A GREAT
TALENT BACK TO THE STAGE.
A TRULY, TRULY GIFTED ACTOR,
A MAN WE GREATLY ADMIRE.
[audience applauding]
[groaning]
YES, YES, HE DOES
DESERVE YOUR APPLAUSE,
BUT IN A TRAGEDY BEFITTING OF
THE BARD HIMSELF, IT SEEMS THAT...
[panting]
IT SEEMS HE'S READY TO BEGIN.
(Frasier) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I BRING YOU NOW
TO A HALL
IN ELSINORE CASTLE.
[wailing] "O
I DIE, HORATIO"
[gasping]
(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪
♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
MERCY.
♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪
♪ YEAH, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪
[laughing]
♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪
SCRAMBLED EGGS ALL OVER MY FACE
WHAT IS A BOY TO DO?
FRASIER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.
WHEN YOU BOUGHT ME LUNCH
THERE WAS GOING TO BE A CATCH.
HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA TAKE?
WELL, IT SHOULDN'T
TAKE TOO LONG, ROZ.
CAN'T BELIEVE I'M
ACTUALLY SCOURING A
SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION
FOR X-MEN COMICS.
I FEEL LIKE I'M CONTRIBUTING
TO THE DECLINE
OF MY SON'S INTELLECT.
THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?
WELL, BECAUSE I SAID
NO TO THE EYEBROW RING.
OH, EXCUSE ME, GOOD SIR.
UM, COULD YOU DIRECT ME, PLEASE,
TO CUBBY'S WORLD OF COMICS?
YEAH, IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU'RE A FIERCE
BUT HELPFUL PEOPLE.
[chuckling] OH, STOP IT.
[people chattering]
GOOD LORD.
IT'S JACKSON HEDLEY.
WHO? JACKSON HEDLEY,
THE FAMOUS SHAKESPEAREAN ACTOR.
HE CAME TO MY SCHOOL
WHEN I WAS A TEEN.
HE DID A ONE-MAN
SHOW OF SOLILOQUIES.
IT BEGAN MY LOVE
AFFAIR WITH THE BARD.
EXCUSE ME, ROZ,
I... I THINK I'LL JUST GO PAY
MY RESPECTS TO MR. HEDLEY.
EXCUSE ME. UH, WHAT'S
JACKSON HEDLEY DOING HERE?
SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS.
AND BEING AWESOME.
THEY'VE GOT THE WHOLE CAST OF
SPACE PATROL COMING THIS WEEKEND.
JACKSON HEDLEY WAS
ON A TELEVISION SHOW?
WHAT, ARE YOU KIDDING?
HE'S TOBOR, THE SHIP'S ANDROID.
WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?
I DON'T KNOW.
READING, ATTENDING THE THEATER,
GETTING HAIRCUTS.
HI, ROZ!
HI, NOEL.
SO YOU'RE A CLOSET TREKKER.
I ALWAYS HAD A FEELING WE WERE
MORE THAN MERE COWORKERS.
THIS EXPLAINS THE
HEAT BETWEEN US.
I FEEL HEAT, ALL RIGHT.
'CAUSE I'M IN HELL.
THERE YOU ARE,
DWAYNE. THANKS, TOBOR.
HELLO, MR. HEDLEY. UH, MAY I SAY,
IT'S AN HONOR TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
THANK YOU. SO, WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE AUTOGRAPHED TODAY?
ACTUALLY, I ALREADY
HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH.
I GOT IT AFTER SEEING YOUR
PERFORMANCE OF HAMLET.
OH, MY. THAT WAS
A LONG TIME AGO.
BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.
MAY I SAY, ON BEHALF OF
MY BROTHER AND MYSELF,
THANK YOU FOR
OPENING OUR YOUNG EYES
TO THE WONDERS OF SHAKESPEARE.
YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME.
TELL ME, DO YOU GET TO
DO MUCH THEATER ANYMORE?
OH, NO, I'M AFRAID THOSE
DAYS ARE OVER. MMM.
THE SHOW BECAME SO POPULAR, I CAN'T
GET CAST AS ANYTHING BUT AN ANDROID,
A CYBORG,
OR, WHEN I GET THE CHANCE
TO REALLY SPREAD MY WINGS,
A MUTANT. AH.
WELL, WHAT A SHAME. AH.
FOR YOU AND FOR THEATER.
OH, YOU ARE VERY KIND.
WELL, MY FANS AWAIT. IT WAS
LOVELY MEETING YOU, MR...
FRASIER CRANE. AH.
THANK YOU, MR. HEDLEY.
[clicking tongue] JUST BREAKS MY HEART
TO SEE THAT MAN REDUCED TO THIS.
IT'S SO DEMEANING.
WELL, SO HE'S NOT
DOING SHAKESPEARE,
BUT, LOOK, HE'S GOT TONS
OF FANS THAT WORSHIP HIM.
[sighing] WHAT'S SO
DEMEANING ABOUT THAT?
HEY, TOBOR? HMM?
WOULD YOU DO MY
KID'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?
[sighing] HERE'S MY CARD.
UH, TRAVEL TIME IS EXTRA
AND I EAT BY MYSELF.
HEY, LOOK WHO I
FOUND AT THE AIRPORT.
[chuckling] WELCOME HOME,
DAD. SO, HOW WAS FLORIDA?
OH, IT WAS A WHIRLWIND.
DUKE AND I HIT THE DOG TRACK
AND THEN WE MET THE MICHAEL
JORDAN OF JAI ALAI PLAYERS
AT THE RED LOBSTER,
BUT THE PLACE I WENT BACK TO MOST
OF ALL WAS CAPTAIN PETE'S GATOR FARM.
AH. AH. DID YOU GO SEE
THE HEMINGWAY HOME?
WELL, YOU KNOW, FRASE, YOU
CAN'T SQUEEZE EVERYTHING IN.
BUT I TELL YOU, THESE
GATORS ARE AMAZING!
YOU'RE OUT IN THE
GLADES IN THIS FAN BOAT,
AND IT'S JUST YOU
AND CAPTAIN PETE
AND THAT COOLER
FULL OF RAW CHICKENS.
AH.
TO THINK I WASTED MY
LAST VACATION IN VIENNA.
AND, UH, THEN HE DANGLES A
CHICKEN AT THE END OF A STICK
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, A 15-FOOT
MONSTER COMES RUSHIN' OUT OF THE WATER
AND HE'S YELLING,
"HURRY UP AND TAKE THE
PICTURE. THIS SUMBITCH IS HEAVY!"
THAT'S DELIGHTFUL, DAD.
WHERE'S DAPHNE?
UH, MY HONEY BUNNY HAS THE FLU.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
PROBABLY GOT IT STANDIN' IN
FRONT OF AN OPEN REFRIGERATOR.
NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK, DAD.
[chuckling]
FRASIER. OH, THANK YOU, NILES.
YOU WILL NEVER GUESS
WHAT I FOUND. HMM?
THIS IS THE AUTOGRAPH JACKSON
HEDLEY GAVE ME IN JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.
OH, NILES.
"DEAR COACH PELLET, PLEASE EXCUSE
NILES FROM GYM FOR OBVIOUS REASONS."
THE OTHER SIDE.
AH. YES, THANK YOU.
[clears throat]
"TO NILES. MY KINGDOM
FOR MORE FANS LIKE YOU.
JACKSON HEDLEY."
GOSH, THAT'S LOVELY.
OF COURSE, I... I'M STILL ENVIOUS
THAT YOU GOT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.
OH, YOU WOULDN'T BE IF YOU'D
BEEN AT THAT CONVENTION, NILES.
TO SEE THE MAN
WHO DEFINED HAMLET
REDUCED TO HAWKING
T-SHIRTS AND SCI-FI GEWGAWS.
IT'S A TERRIBLE WASTE OF TALENT.
TRAGIC. NO ARTIST SHOULD
HAVE TO ENDURE THAT.
IF ONLY PEOPLE COULD SEE
HIM THE WAY WE DID. MMM.
NILES,
HOW DIFFICULT WOULD IT BE TO
MOUNT JACKSON'S ONE-MAN SHOW?
IT'S RELATIVELY SIMPLE.
THAT'S TRUE. THERE'S MINIMAL
SCENERY, NO SUPPORTING...
WAIT A MINUTE. ARE YOU
SUGGESTING... WELL, WHY NOT?
THERE'S CERTAINLY NO SHORTAGE
OF THEATERS IN THIS TOWN.
WE COULD DO IT ON A MONDAY NIGHT
WHEN THEY'RE ALL DARK ANYWAY.
YES. WE COULD REVIVE
THE MAN'S CAREER.
JUST THINK WHAT A GIFT
IT WOULD BE TO RETURN
THIS MAN TO THE STAGE
WHERE HE BELONGS.
IT WOULD BE LIKE REPAYING HIM FOR
GIVING US THE GIFT OF SHAKESPEARE.
YES, AND IF THE EVENING GOES
VERY WELL, THEN WHO KNOWS?
WE COULD BE IN FOR A LONG RUN.
WE MIGHT EVEN TAKE IT ON THE ROAD.
WHY NOT A TELEVISION SPECIAL?
WE'D REACH A MUCH LARGER AUDIENCE.
IT COULD BECOME A
COTTAGE INDUSTRY.
T-SHIRTS, POSTERS,
PERSONAL APPEARANCES.
THANK GOD WE'VE COME
ALONG TO SAVE THIS MAN!
OH, NILES. AH! CHEERS.
[footsteps approaching]
(Frasier) GOSH, NILES, I CAN'T WAIT
TO SHOW JACKSON HIS NEW VENUE.
GOSH. WHAT AN HONOR
IT IS TO BE REUNITING
SUCH A GREAT TALENT WITH
THE STAGE. IS HE HERE YET?
NO, HE'S CUTTING THE OPENING
RIBBON AT GALAXY MATTRESSES.
OH.
WELL, ONCE THIS SHOW OPENS,
HE'LL BE ABLE TO THROW AWAY
HIS OVERSIZED NOVELTY SHEARS.
YES, YES. OOH, I JUST CAME
FROM THE BOX OFFICE. YES?
TICKET SALES ARE GOING
AT QUITE A BRISK PACE.
OH! I'M NOT SURPRISED, I
GOT HALF THE STATION COMING.
WELL, I'VE GOT A WHOLE GROUP
COMING FROM THE WINE CLUB.
YOU KNOW, NILES, WE'VE REALLY DONE
A GOOD JOB OF GETTING THE WORD OUT.
YES. THAT'S WHY WE
GET TO BE PRODUCERS.
YES. YES.
HELLO, LADS!
OH, MR. HEDLEY, PLEASE, JOIN
US ON THE STAGE. YES. YES.
OR, SHALL WE SAY, ON
YOUR STAGE. OH, YES.
[Frasier laughing]
(Hedley) OH...
OH, IT IS SUCH A...
SUCH A LONG TIME SINCE
I'VE TROD THE BOARDS.
[sighing]
DO YOU REALLY THINK PEOPLE
ARE GOING TO PAY MONEY TO SEE ME
AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?
OH, THE WAY THINGS ARE
GOING, WE EXPECT A SELLOUT.
ONE WEEK FROM TODAY, YOU'LL BE
LOOKING OUT ON A PACKED HOUSE.
REALLY? MMM.
DO YOU KNOW THE ONE THING THAT I...
I DON'T MISS ABOUT PERFORMING LIVE?
[stammering]
[panting] IT'S THE JITTERS. AH.
[retching] IT'S THE DRY HEAVES.
MAYBE THIS WASN'T THE BEST IDEA.
NO, NO, I... SIR,
PLEASE, PLEASE.
THE THEATER IS
YOUR TRUE DESTINY.
IT COURSES THROUGH YOUR
VEINS. IT FILLS YOUR LUNGS.
THIS IS YOUR STAGE.
WELCOME HOME.
AND YOU SAID YOU'D
NEVER PRODUCED BEFORE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I BRING YOU
TO A HALL IN ELSINORE CASTLE.
DENMARK.
[wailing] "O
"I DIE, HORATIO
[gasping]
"THE POTENT POISON
QUITE O'ER-CROWS MY SPIRIT
[Hedley gasping]
"I CANNOT LIVE TO HEAR
THE NEWS FROM ENGLAND
"BUT I DO PROPHESY
"THE ELECTION
LIGHTS ON FORTINBRAS
[gasps]
"HE HAS MY DYING VOICE
"THE REST IS
[whispering] SILENCE."
[gasps]
DO YOU KNOW, YOU
BOYS WERE RIGHT!
IT'S AS IF I NEVER LEFT.
HEY, FRASE.
HMM? JUST GOT MY
ALLIGATOR PICTURES BACK.
OH. TAKE A LOOK.
MMM-HMM.
YES. THAT'S CAPTAIN PETE.
RIGHT.
THAT'S THE GATOR BOAT. UH-HUH.
THAT'S A CHICKEN. YEAH.
OH, AND THAT'S HIM.
THE ONE I CALL SNAPPY.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, THAT'S DUKE'S BYPASS
SCAR. I HAD TO USE UP THE ROLL.
[doorbell rings]
YES, WELL, WE'LL HAVE TO LOOK AT
THESE LATER, DAD. THAT'LL BE NILES.
HE'S HERE TO DISCUSS OUR
SHOW. YOU WANT A SHOW?
WELL, TAKE A TIP FROM
ME, MR. PRODUCER.
ONE ALLIGATOR, ONE CHICKEN,
ONE SATISFIED AUDIENCE.
OH, HELLO, NILES. COME IN.
FRASIER, I GOT YOUR
MESSAGE. IT SOUNDED URGENT.
YES. YES, IT'S ABOUT JACKSON.
OH, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME
HE'S GETTING ANY WORSE.
YESTERDAY I SAW THE
STAGEHANDS PASSING OUT EARPLUGS.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
HE'S ONLY RUSTY.
AFTER YEARS ON THAT RIDICULOUS SPACE
OPERA, HE'S PICKED UP SOME BAD HABITS.
WELL, I WAS FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO
FIND A VIDEOTAPE OF HIS ONE-MAN SHOW.
[gasps] ONCE HE SEES THIS,
IT WILL REMIND HIM OF
WHAT GOOD ACTING IS.
YOU KNOW, SHAKE LOOSE
THE ARTIST FROM THE ANDROID.
THAT, SIR, IS WHY YOU
ARE THE FIRST "CRANE"
IN CRANE & CRANE
PRODUCTIONS. [chuckling] YES.
THANK YOU, NILES. THANK
YOU. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,
JACKSON'S ON HIS WAY OVER HERE.
LET'S TAKE A QUICK PEEP AT THIS.
GOOD IDEA.
[panting]
OH, HIS LEAR. YES.
OH, GOSH, THAT
BRINGS BACK MEMORIES.
HERE, LET ME... LET ME
TURN UP THE VOLUME.
(Hedley on T.V.) "BLOW, WINDS,
AND CRACK YOUR CHEEKS!
[yelling] "RAGE! BLOW!
"YOU CATARACTS AND
HURRICANOES, SPOUT
"TILL YOU HAVE
[drawling] "DRENCH'D
OUR STEEPLES
DROWN'D THE COCKS!"
HE'S AWFUL.
THE MAN HAS NO INSTINCTS.
JUST STINKS.
I GUESS WE WERE JUST
TOO YOUNG TO KNOW IT.
FRASIER, THIS IS GOING
TO BE HUMILIATING,
NOT JUST FOR US,
BUT FOR JACKSON.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
WHAT ALL GOOD PRODUCERS DO.
WE'LL SHUT DOWN AND
BLAME THE DIRECTOR.
[doorbell rings]
THAT'LL BE JACKSON NOW.
NOW, ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS GET
JACKSON TO BOW OUT GRACEFULLY,
AND WE'LL REFUND
ALL THE TICKETS.
HELLO, LADS!
UH, PLEASE, COME IN, MR. HEDLEY.
AH, YOU MUST BE THE CRANE PATER.
IT IS A PLEASURE TO
ENCOUNTER THE HEADWATERS
WHENCE SPRING THESE TWIN RIVERS
UPON WHICH I HAVE
LAUNCHED MY HUMBLE CRAFT.
LIKEWISE.
I'M TELLIN' YA, ONE
GATOR, ONE CHICKEN.
PLEASE, MR. HEDLEY,
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN? UH... YEAH.
OH, I SEE MY PRODUCERS
HAVE LONG FACES. UM...
I THINK I KNOW WHY.
YOU DO?
YEAH, WELL, IT'S
OBVIOUS, ISN'T IT?
IT IS TO US.
WELL, YOUR WORRIES
ARE AT AN END.
I'D FIRE THE DIRECTOR.
THE MAN'S A CLOD.
I MEAN, NOT EVEN THE
STAGEHANDS FOLLOW HIS DIRECTIONS.
HE SHOUTS AT THEM AND
THEY PRETEND NOT TO HEAR.
MR. HEDLEY, IT'S
NOT THE DIRECTOR.
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.
WHAT SORT OF PROBLEM?
LET ME BE FRANK,
BECAUSE AN ARTIST OF YOUR
CALIBER DESERVES HONESTY.
AN ACTING PERFORMANCE IS
A JOURNEY OF DISCOVERY.
AH.
[stammering] THIS BRIEF REHEARSAL
TIME THAT WE'VE GIVEN YOU IS
FAR TOO SHORT TO
REACH PARNASSUS,
HOME OF THE MUSES.
FORGIVE US FOR BEING SO BLUNT.
OH, I SEE! WE'RE GETTING
TO THE REAL PROBLEM.
I'VE GOT UNTESTED PRODUCERS,
AND THEY'VE GOT THE JITTERS.
AH, BUT NOT TO WORRY.
IT'S PERFECTLY NATURAL.
DO YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER
WORKED WITH PRODUCERS
WHO HAVEN'T WANTED TO PULL THE
PLUG BEFORE THE OPENING NIGHT.
BUT I WON'T LET YOU QUIT.
THIS SHOW IS GOING ON. IN THE
WORDS OF OUR GREAT AUTHOR,
"STIFFEN THE SINEWS,
SUMMON UP THE BLOOD!
"DISGUISE FAIR NATURE
[voice breaking] "WITH
HARD-FAVORED RAGE
THEN LEND THE EYE
A TERRIBLE ASPECT"
I THINK HE'S GETTING
BETTER, DON'T YOU?
[people chattering]
(stage manager) 15
MINUTES TO CURTAIN.
LOOK OUT THERE.
EVERYBODY WE KNOW IS OUT THERE.
LOOK AT ALL THOSE SMILING FACES,
SOON TO BE FROZEN IN
A RICTUS OF REVENGE.
THE PLACE IS PACKED.
IT'S STANDING ROOM ONLY.
YOU KNOW, NILES,
I THINK WE MAY HAVE
EXCEEDED MAXIMUM OCCUPANCY.
THAT COULD BE A FIRE HAZARD.
IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF SOMEONE
SHOULD CALL THE FIRE MARSHAL
AND HE SHOULD SHUT US DOWN.
YES, IT WOULD.
A DAMN SHAME IF THE OLD
PHONE IN THE MARSHAL'S OFFICE
[in sing-song voice] WOULD
START TO JINGLE, JINGLE...
JUST CALL!
10 MINUTES TO CURTAIN!
NO, I'M... I'M SORRY, I... I BELIEVE THAT
YOUR WATCH HAPPENS TO BE A TAD FAST.
IT'S ELECTROMAGNETICALLY
SET TO GREENWICH MEAN TIME.
GET ME A SPRITE.
WELL?
THE MARSHAL WILL BE
HERE AS QUICKLY AS HE CAN.
THERE'S A 5-ALARMER
IN THE PAPER DISTRICT.
JUST OUR LUCK!
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?
HEY, GUYS! OH, ROZ.
THIS IS JACKSON HEDLEY'S FATHER.
I FOUND HIM WANDERING AROUND
OUT FRONT LOOKING FOR JACKSON.
LOVELY TO SEE YOU.
THANK GOD I'M NOT LATE.
YOU KNOW, I'M
JACKSON'S LUCKY CHARM.
DO YOU KNOW, HE'S
SO SUPERSTITIOUS.
ONE DAY I DIDN'T TURN
UP FOR OPENING NIGHT,
AND HE REFUSED TO GO ON.
IS THAT SO?
THEN WE MUST GET
YOU TO HIM IMMEDIATELY.
YOU SEE, YOU'RE AT
THE WRONG THEATER.
OH! YES, YES, JACKSON'S
PERFORMING CLEAR ACROSS TOWN.
BUT THE SIGN OUTSIDE SAYS "AN
EVENING WITH JACKSON HEDLEY."
YES, I KNOW, BUT, YOU SEE,
THERE'S BEEN A... A TERRIBLE
SNAFU SNAFU.
WITH THE MARQUEE LETTERS. YES.
YOU SEE, THEY GOT
OURS, WE GOT THEIRS.
OH, W-W-WELL,
WHAT'S PLAYING HERE?
CATS.
AH. I LOVE CATS.
WELL, WHO DOESN'T? BUT
SURELY YOU LOVE YOUR SON MORE.
[Frasier chuckling]
NOW, LUCKILY, THIS YOUNG LADY
KNOWS THIS TOWN INSIDE OUT.
ROZ, PLEASE ESCORT MR. HEDLEY
TO THE PORTLAND PLAYHOUSE, A.S.A.P.
BUT... THERE'S NO TIME FOR
BUTS! PLEASE, DO IT NOW.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, MR. HEDLEY.
OH, PLEASE, CALL ME CECIL.
ALL RIGHT, CECIL.
DO YOU KNOW, I HAVE A
PREDILECTION FOR BRUNETTES.
[both chuckling]
WELL, SHOULD WE GO BREAK
THE BAD NEWS TO OUR STAR? YES.
♪ [singing]
MR. HEDLEY, I'M AFRAID
WE HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
IT'S ABOUT YOUR FATHER.
IT SEEMS HIS PLANE IS
GOING TO BE LATE. YES.
WHAT, YOU MEAN MY FATHER
WON'T MAKE IT FOR THE SHOW?
W-WE KNOW THIS MUST
BE DEVASTATING TO YOU.
ON THE CONTRARY!
FOR ONCE, MY PERFORMANCE WON'T BE
INHIBITED BY THAT JUDGMENTAL NITPICKER.
TONIGHT I CAN REALLY CUT LOOSE.
THOSE SEATS IN THE VERY
BACK ROW WILL BE RATTLING.
THAT IS GOOD NEWS.
5 MINUTES TO CURTAIN.
AND NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,
IT'S TIME
TO CENTER.
ANY MORE IDEAS?
THESE ARE THE PRODUCERS.
THE, UH, FIRE MARSHAL'S HERE.
DO YOU GUYS HAVE ANY IDEA HOW
MANY PEOPLE YOU GOT OUT THERE?
YOU'RE WAY OVER CAPACITY.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
SHUT US DOWN, ARE YOU?
FRASIER, I KNEW WE SHOULDN'T HAVE
ADDED ALL THOSE DRY WOODEN SEATS.
WELL, MAYBE NEXT TIME
YOU'LL KNOW BETTER.
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY OTHER SKULL?
MR. HEDLEY, I'M AFRAID
WE HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
HEY.
YOU'RE TOBOR.
UH, OH, CORRECT.
I USED TO WATCH YOUR
SHOW ALL THE TIME.
I EVEN HAVE THAT OLD PLAYBOY WHEN
SPACE PRINCESS ALEXA DID THAT SPREAD.
THE ONE ON THE LAVA ROCKS.
YES, I'VE GOT THAT ONE, TOO.
(fire marshal) I DIDN'T KNOW HE
WAS THE ONE PERFORMING TONIGHT.
UH, I'LL LET YOU GUYS STAY
OPEN ON ONE CONDITION.
I GET TO WATCH THE SHOW.
WE'RE OUT OF SEATS.
IT'S OK. I'LL SIT IN THE AISLE.
3 MINUTES TO CURTAIN.
AH, HERE'S THE RIGHT ONE!
WELL, WE MAY AS WELL
JUST TAKE OUR LUMPS.
NO. NO. WE'RE NOT
GONNA TAKE ANY LUMPS.
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR
DESPERATE MEASURES. I...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YES. YES.
ALL RIGHT, NILES.
SHIELD YOURSELF, NILES,
"FOR THE RAIN IT
RAINETH EVERY DAY."
THIS PLACE REALLY
IS A DEATHTRAP.
THIS IS HOPELESS.
I MANAGED TO SHAKE THAT WOMAN.
I WANT TO SEE CATS.
[groans]
SON!
FATHER! MY GOOD LUCK CHARM.
[Hedley exclaiming] OH, MY GOD!
OH, MR. HEDLEY,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THINK I'VE BROKEN SOMETHING.
(Niles) OH, MY GOD. LOOK,
CALL AN AMBULANCE.
PLEASE, MAKE SURE
MR. HEDLEY'S COMFORTABLE. YES.
DEAR GOD, NILES,
I FEEL HORRIBLE.
IT'S AS IF WE WISHED IT AND
IT HAPPENED. OH, MY GOD.
HALF OF ME FEELS GUILTY, THE
OTHER HALF FEELS RELIEVED.
ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE 30-70.
WELL, I GUESS I'D BETTER GO
OUT AND MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
[people chattering]
IF I MAY HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
TONIGHT, MY BROTHER,
NILES CRANE, AND I
HAD HOPED TO BRING A GREAT
TALENT BACK TO THE STAGE.
A TRULY, TRULY GIFTED ACTOR,
A MAN WE GREATLY ADMIRE.
[audience applauding]
[groaning]
YES, YES, HE DOES
DESERVE YOUR APPLAUSE,
BUT IN A TRAGEDY BEFITTING OF
THE BARD HIMSELF, IT SEEMS THAT...
[panting]
IT SEEMS HE'S READY TO BEGIN.
(Frasier) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I BRING YOU NOW
TO A HALL
IN ELSINORE CASTLE.
[wailing] "O
I DIE, HORATIO"
[gasping]
(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪
♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
MERCY.
♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪
♪ YEAH, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪
[laughing]
♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪
SCRAMBLED EGGS ALL OVER MY FACE
WHAT IS A BOY TO DO?
FRASIER HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.