Frasier (1993–2004): Season 8, Episode 13 - Sliding Frasiers - full transcript
Frasier is supposed to go to a speed-dating event and asks Roz if he should wear a suit or sweater, remarking that the slightest decision can have far-reaching effects. We are shown what would have happened in each circumstance: wearing the suit, he is knocked to the floor at Nervosa by a cute girl named Monica, and they hit it off, while Roz meets a handsome co-worker named Mike; wearing the sweater, Mike is the one knocked to the floor by Monica, and Frasier goes to the speed-dating event, which ends up a disaster.
[people chattering]
(Frasier) ALL RIGHT, IF YOU MUST
KNOW, I'M JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE
FOR SOMETHING
CALLED A... A SPEED DATE.
WHAT'S A SPEED DATE?
WELL, APPARENTLY,
IT'S THE LATEST THING.
12 MEN AND 12 WOMEN
GET TOGETHER IN A ROOM.
THEY SPEND 8 MINUTES TALKING TO
ONE ANOTHER, AND THEN THEY MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT PERSON
AFTER A BELL RINGS.
BASICALLY, IT'S ALL THE
STRESS AND HUMILIATION
OF A BLIND DATE TIMES 12.
WOW, TALK ABOUT DESPERATE.
SO, WHAT BROUGHT THIS ON?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST SO TIRED
OF BEING SURROUNDED
BY HAPPY COUPLES.
JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD DO
SOMETHING A BIT MORE PROACTIVE.
YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT
NILES AND DAPHNE, WOULD YOU?
WELL, AMONG OTHERS. BELIEVE ME, NO
ONE COULD BE HAPPIER FOR NILES THAN I,
BUT THERE ARE DAYS WHEN
HIS LOVESICK SWAIN ACT
WEARS THE TINIEST BIT THIN.
HELLO, ALL.
NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT?
I LIKE IT. THANK YOU.
I'VE NEVER WORN AN
UNDERGARMENT IN PUBLIC BEFORE.
OH.
IS THAT MY SWEATER?
OH, YES, HERE. WHAT'S
THE EMERGENCY?
WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M
GOING OUT THIS EVENING
AND I WAS THINKING
ABOUT CHANGING MY ATTIRE.
WHILE THE SUIT
PROJECTS A CERTAIN
PROFESSIONALISM,
YOU KNOW, DR. FRASIER CRANE,
I WAS THINKING PERHAPS
THE SWEATER WOULD IMPART
A... A MORE CASUAL
FEEL, JUST FRASE.
ANY THOUGHTS?
SO, I BET YOU AND DAPHNE
HAVE BIG VALENTINE'S DAY PLANS.
OH, YES, SHE'S
COOKING DINNER FOR ME.
AND THEN I'VE ARRANGED
A BIG SURPRISE.
I'M FLYING HER TO CANCUN
FOR A LONG ROMANTIC WEEKEND.
NOT BAD!
YES, I'M WHISKING HER
TO THE AIRPORT IN A LIMO
FILLED WITH EXOTIC ORCHIDS.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S
TOO OVER THE TOP, DO YOU?
NO, I THINK THAT BOAT SAILED
WITH YOUR T-SHIRT. HMM.
HERE'S AN IDEA. WHAT IF I PUT
THE SWEATER UNDER THE JACKET?
THEN I'LL GET THE BEST
OF BOTH WORLDS. HMM?
HONESTLY, FRASIER, COULD
YOU BE MORE SELF-ABSORBED?
GOODBYE, ROZ. IF YOU WANNA
KNOW MORE ABOUT OUR TRIP,
WE'LL HAVE PICTURES ON OUR
WEBSITE WHEN WE GET BACK.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
FRASIER. FLIP A COIN.
LOOK, ROZ, I KNOW THIS MAY
SEEM LIKE NOTHING TO YOU,
BUT THE TINIEST DECISION CAN
SHAPE YOUR WHOLE DESTINY.
SO WHICH PATH SHOULD I FOLLOW?
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? OH, JUST PICK ONE!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, UM...
YOU'RE RIGHT. OK. FINE,
WE'LL GO WITH THE SUIT.
YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.
[both laughing] WISH ME LUCK.
OH, UH, I'M SORRY.
PARDON ME. SAY,
DON'T YOU WORK AT K.A.C.L.?
YES, I JUST STARTED.
MIKE SCHAFER.
OH, HI, MIKE. FRASIER CRANE.
HAVE YOU MET ROZ DOYLE?
NO.
OH, YOU ARE NEW, AREN'T YOU?
CAN I BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?
OH, MY GOD! OW.
OH. OH, MY GOD!
FRASIER! ARE YOU OK?
WELL, I... OOH!
OH, GOSH, I THINK I'VE
WRENCHED MY SHOULDER.
OH, I AM SO SORRY. I...
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. OW!
I'M TAKING YOU TO THE EMERGENCY
ROOM. PLEASE. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
NO, FRASIER, I'VE GOT MY CAR
RIGHT OUTSIDE. I'LL TAKE YOU.
ROZ, DON'T YOU HAVE
COFFEE WAITING? HMM?
I'M FRASIER.
HI, I'M MONICA.
OH, YOU MUST THINK
I'M SUCH A KLUTZ.
NO. NOT AT ALL.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
FRASIER, FLIP A COIN.
LOOK, ROZ, I KNOW THIS MAY
SEEM LIKE NOTHING TO YOU,
BUT THE TINIEST DECISION CAN
SHAPE YOUR WHOLE DESTINY.
SO WHICH PATH SHOULD I FOLLOW?
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? OH, JUST PICK ONE!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, UM...
YOU'RE RIGHT. OK. FINE,
WE'LL GO WITH THE SUIT.
NO! NO! THE SWEATER!
YOU MADE THE RIGHT
CHOICE. THANK YOU.
[cutlery rattling]
OH, MY GOD! OH!
OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY.
OH, THAT'S OK. NO HARM DONE.
BOY, WHAT A KLUTZ.
[laughing]
ALL RIGHT, ROZ, WISH ME LUCK.
GOOD LUCK.
MIKE SCHAFER.
UM, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA
NEED ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE.
OH, YEAH. I...
(Monica) YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
NOT THE FIRST GUY I'VE SENT
TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
OH. WHEN I WAS 10,
MY BROTHER FELL OFF MY
HANDLEBARS AND BROKE HIS FOOT.
THEN IN ART SCHOOL
A POTTERY WHEEL GOT AWAY FROM ME
AND SORT OF ROLLED
DOWN SOME STAIRS
AND I BROKE ONE GUY'S
KNEE AND ANOTHER GUY'S HIP.
I SUPPOSE AFTER THAT,
YOU WENT ON A KILN SPREE.
[both laughing]
UH, YEAH, I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I'VE
BROKEN MORE THAN MY SHARE OF BONES.
AND MORE THAN YOUR FAIR
SHARE OF HEARTS, I'M SURE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
[crashing]
FRASIER, I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT YOUR ARM.
[stuttering] I HOPE I HAVEN'T
RUINED YOUR PLANS.
NO, ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T HAVE
ANYTHING SPECIAL PLANNED.
HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT
THAT NEW PIRATE MOVIE?
IT'S RATED "ARGH!"
AH.
YES, THAT'S, UH,
THAT'S VERY DROLL.
GET IT? "ARGH!"
YES, YES. I DO.
THAT'S SORT OF MY
TEST JOKE. YOU KNOW,
HMM. TO SEE IF A
GUY'S COOL OR NOT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE YOU'RE THE
FIRST GUY HERE WHO LAUGHED?
I MEAN, BUT CAN'T
YOU JUST SEE IT?
A PIRATE WALKS INTO
A MOVIE THEATER.
HE'S GOT HIS EYE PATCH
AND HIS PEG LEG, AND...
[bell dings]
OH, BOY, THAT DID NOT
FEEL LIKE 8 MINUTES.
INDEED IT DID NOT.
HEY, FRASE. HOW'D THAT
SPEED DATE THING GO?
[T.V. chattering]
COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WORSE.
THAT'S NICE.
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, DAD.
OH, I'M SORRY, SON.
WELL, DID YOU GET
ANY PHONE NUMBERS?
NO.
BUT IF I EVER WANNA
TRACK ANY OF THEM DOWN,
I CAN ALWAYS WRITE THEM, CARE OF
"THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL."
[knocking on door]
THAT'S TOO BAD.
OH, OH, HI, DAPHNE. HERE,
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.
OH, THANK YOU, DR. CRANE.
YES, YES, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE REALLY
LOADIN' UP, AREN'T YOU?
IT'S FOR NILES'S
VALENTINE'S DINNER.
OH, THAT'S NOT TILL NEXT WEEK.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S A
COMPLICATED RECIPE.
I NEED TIME TO PRACTICE.
YOU TWO ARE GONNA
BE MY GUINEA PIGS.
MAYBE WE COULD
FAKE OUR OWN DEATHS.
DAPHNE,
ARE YOU PLANNING ON
USING CUMIN IN THIS RECIPE?
YEAH, THE RECIPE
CALLS FOR LOTS OF IT.
OH, BOY, N-N-NILES IS
TERRIBLY ALLERGIC TO CUMIN.
OH, DEAR.
I KNEW ABOUT THE SCALLOPS
AND THE NUTMEG, MMM-HMM.
THE OAT BRAN, WHEAT GERM,
CAROB, PARCHMENT MITES.
YES, YES, I KNOW.
HE TRIED WEARING AN ALLERGY TAG
BUT HIS NECK WAS TOO
WEAK TO SUPPORT IT.
[telephone ringing]
DID YOU SEE THAT?
THE CHARACTER IN THIS
MOVIE JUST DIALED THE PHONE
AND AT THE EXACT SAME
TIME OUR PHONE RANG.
IT'S LIKE MONTGOMERY
CLIFT IS CALLING ME.
[laughing]
YES, THAT'S FASCINATING, DAD.
HELLO. OH, HI, NILES.
NO, SHE CAN'T HEAR.
OH, GEEZ, I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WELL, ALL RIGHT. IF IT MEANS
THAT MUCH TO YOU, I'LL DO IT.
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
THAT WAS YOUR BROTHER.
HE WANTS ME TO PACK A SUITCASE
FOR DAPHNE FOR THE TRIP TO CANCUN.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO
THROUGH HER UNMENTIONABLES.
(Frasier) HMM.
I WONDER IF I'LL EVER SEE
ANOTHER UNMENTIONABLE.
OH, COME ON, FRASE, IT
WAS JUST ONE BAD DATE.
♪ [playing piano] IT
WAS 12 BAD DATES.
AND 100 BEFORE THAT.
♪ I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER FALL AGAIN ♪
YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE
THIS ALL NIGHT, AREN'T YOU?
♪ SAID ADIEU TO LOVE ♪
IT BREAKS MY HEART
TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS.
FORTUNATELY, I CAN'T
SEE HIM FROM McGINTY'S.
HI, FRASE. HOW'D THE
SPEED DATE THING GO?
ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T GO, DAD.
I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL INSTEAD.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
DAD, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
OH, WELL, I'M SORRY, SON.
WHAT HAPPENED?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WELL, ACTUALLY, I... I TRIPPED
AND SPRAINED MY SHOULDER,
BUT I'M ACTUALLY FEELING NO PAIN
BECAUSE I MET A
BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN.
[laughing] IS SHE A NURSE?
[knock on door] NO. SHE'S
THE GIRL THAT TRIPPED ME.
HER NAME IS MONICA,
SHE'S A COMMERCIAL ARTIST
SHE'S CUTE AS A BUTTON AND SHE'S
A DANGER TO HERSELF AND OTHERS.
(Martin) GOOD FOR YOU.
OH, HI, DAPH. COULD YOU
GIVE ME A HAND HERE?
WELL, I... I WOULD EXCEPT
I SPRAINED MY SHOULDER.
BULLET IN THE HIP.
YOU STILL HAVE ONE
GOOD ARM, DR. CRANE.
AH, THE DOCTOR TOLD
ME TO TAKE IT EASY.
OH! I MET A GIRL TODAY!
YEAH, SO DID SHE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT
MIGHT BE A BIT SOON
BUT I THINK I'M GONNA
GIVE MONICA A CALL.
[telephone ringing]
[chuckles] DID YOU SEE THAT?
THE CHARACTER IN THIS
MOVIE JUST DIALED THE PHONE,
AND AT THE EXACT SAME
TIME OUR PHONE RINGS.
IT'S LIKE MONTGOMERY
CLIFT'S CALLING ME.
SAY HELLO TO HIM FOR ME.
HELLO. OH, HI, NILES.
NO, SHE CAN'T HEAR.
OH, GEEZ, I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THAT.
HI, MONICA.
YEAH, UH, INJURED
ANYBODY LATELY?
[laughing]
REALLY?
NO, I WAS CALLING
BECAUSE I... I THOUGHT
MAYBE WE COULD HAVE
DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD
MEET AT CAFE NERVOSA AROUND 7:00
AND GO FROM THERE?
WONDERFUL.
GREAT. I'LL... I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT.
[laughing]
SHE SAID YES. HEY, HEY!
TOMORROW NIGHT,
♪ [music playing on stereo] I
HAVE A DATE WITH AN ANGEL.
OH, YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE
THIS ALL NIGHT, AREN'T YOU?
McGINTY'S?
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
SO, WE HAD DINNER AGAIN THURSDAY
NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN ON FRIDAY.
SHE HAD PLANS WITH HER
PARENTS ON SATURDAY,
SO TO KEEP OUR STREAK ALIVE,
I ACTUALLY SENT HER A VIDEOTAPE
OF ME EATING AND
TALKING INTO THE CAMERA.
[both laughing]
THAT'S CUTE.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S
A LITTLE TOO MUCH?
NO, IF YOU LIKE HER, GO FOR IT.
SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH MIKE?
GOOD. HE'S TAKING ME TO THE HEART
ASSOCIATION BENEFIT ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
OH, I'M GOING, TOO. YOU KNOW,
ROZ, I THINK THIS IS A FIRST,
YOU AND I IN HAPPY
RELATIONSHIPS AT THE SAME TIME.
HI, ROZ. HI, FRASIER. OH, HI.
HOW'S YOUR HEAD?
OH, IT'S BETTER.
ACTUALLY, UH, MY PERIPHERAL
VISION IS COMING BACK.
I'M SO SORRY. HMM.
LISTEN, EVERYONE AT
WORK IS TALKING ABOUT
THE BEAUTIFUL
FLOWERS YOU SENT ME.
THANK YOU.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE
WHAT'S COMING NEXT.
YOU WON'T BE ABLE
TO THANK ME IN PUBLIC.
FRASIER, I HATE
TO BREAK IT TO YOU
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP
SENDING ME FLOWERS AND POETRY.
YOU OFFICIALLY
HAVE MY ATTENTION.
HMM.
I'M GONNA GET SOME COFFEE.
ALL RIGHT. OH, LET ME GET
THAT FOR YOU. NO. YOU'RE SWEET
BUT I THINK I CAN GET
MY OWN COFFEE. AH.
[people chattering]
LOOKS LIKE ALL THAT HARD WORK
YOU'VE BEEN DOING IS PAYING OFF.
YES, WELL, I'M NOT
ABOUT TO LET UP NOW.
I NEVER WANT HER TO FEEL AS IF
SHE'S BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
WOW, YOU'RE GIVING
NILES A RUN FOR HIS MONEY.
OH, PLEASE. IN THE GREAT
GOLDEN BOOK OF LOVE,
NILES WILL BE A MERE
FOOTNOTE TO MY GLORIOUS SAGA.
I'M GONNA TAKE HIS BALL
AND RUN IT TO THE END ZONE.
IS THAT A THING? YES.
GOOD.
OH, COME ON, FRASE. YOU'VE BEEN
MOPING AROUND HERE ALL WEEK.
[T.V. chattering] WHY DON'T
YOU JOIN ME AT McGINTY'S?
IT'S CRAZY THERE
ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
LAST YEAR McGINTY HIRED
THIS FAT GUY IN A DIAPER
TO RUN AROUND SHOOTIN' A
BOW AND ARROW AT PEOPLE.
[laughing]
NO, NO, WAIT, THAT MIGHT
HAVE BEEN THE SUPER BOWL.
YOU HAD ME RIGHT
UP UNTIL DIAPER, DAD.
[Niles laughing]
YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS, YOU
GUYS, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.
LOOK, DAPHNE HAS
SAUCE ON HER NOSE.
IS THAT THE CUTEST THING
YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE?
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LET ME GET IT. MMM.
MMM, MMM, MMM. OH.
YOU'VE GOT SOME ON
YOUR NECK. OH, DO I?
OH!
[laughing] OH,
SOMEBODY'S TICKLISH!
(Niles) ARE YOU TICKLISH, TOO?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
TRUCE, TRUCE. WAIT.
I... I WAS GONNA WAIT
TILL AFTER DINNER
TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT I CAN'T.
IN 3 HOURS, YOU AND I
ARE GONNA BE ON
A PLANE TO CANCUN!
[exclaiming]
(Daphne) I BARELY
HAVE TIME TO PACK!
THAT'S ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF.
DAD PACKED A BAG FOR YOU.
OH, MR. CRANE!
[laughing]
I'VE NEVER BEEN
THIS HAPPY IN MY LIFE!
I'M HAPPIER THAN YOU
ARE! OH, I DON'T THINK SO!
EXCUSE ME, SOMEBODY'S TRYIN'
TO WATCH BEHIND THE MUSIC HERE.
[telephone ringing]
HELLO?
HEY, HI, ROZ.
[scoffing] NO. NO, I'M NOT
GOING TO THE BENEFIT.
YEAH, I'LL BET SHE'S GOT
A GREAT PERSONALITY.
YES, WELL, THANKS ANYWAY,
ROZ. LISTEN, YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.
BYE. GOOD NIGHT.
ROZ FIND YOU A DATE FOR TONIGHT?
YEAH. SHE'S GOING WITH SOME
GUY THAT LIVES IN HER BUILDING.
HE'S GOT A SISTER.
WELL, YOU OUGHT TO GO. BEATS HANGING
AROUND HERE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.
DAD, PLEASE. ONLY THING
WORSE THAN A BLIND DATE
WOULD BE A BLIND DATE
ON VALENTINE'S DAY. OK?
I CAN'T IMAGINE A WORSE
WAY TO SPEND THE EVENING.
[both laughing]
YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!
[both moaning]
OH, LET'S GET MORE. COME ON,
COME ON. LET'S DO IT AGAIN. WAIT.
MAYBE ROZ HASN'T LEFT YET.
IT'S NOW 7:45.
AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT
SHE SHOULD BE
RECEIVING A JEROBOAM
OF CHILLED CHAMPAGNE.
YOU'RE REALLY LAYING
IT ON THICK, AREN'T YOU?
OH, GOD, DAD. YOU DON'T
KNOW THE HALF OF IT.
THIS MORNING SHE WAS AWAKENED
BY A STRING QUARTET
ON HER PORCH.
AND THEN WHEN MONICA
ARRIVED AT HER OFFICE,
THERE WERE 7 DOZEN
ROSES ON HER DESK,
A DOZEN FOR EVERY
DAY THAT I'VE KNOWN HER.
I'M SORRY! (Martin)
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE'S HAVING SOME KIND
OF REACTION TO THE SAUCE.
DID YOU PUT SCALLOPS IN IT? NO.
NUTMEG? (Daphne) NO.
WHEAT GERM? NO.
CAROB? NO.
CUMIN? MAYBE.
OH, THIS IS A DISASTER.
WE HAVE RESERVATIONS
TO FLY TO CANCUN TONIGHT.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, WE CAN'T GO NOW. I CAN'T
POSSIBLY SIT STILL ON A PLANE FOR 5 HOURS
WITH THIS R-R-RASH
YOU'VE GIVEN ME!
NOW, NILES, PLEASE
DON'T LET A LITTLE MISTAKE
DISTURB THE MOST
MAGICAL EVENING...
OH, THE WHOLE WEEKEND IS RUINED!
WELL, I SAID I WAS SORRY!
OH, I EVEN HAD DAD
PACK A BAG FOR YOU.
YOU DID WHAT? YOU LET
HIM GO THROUGH MY THINGS?
HOW COULD YOU!
I'M SORRY! I WAS TRYING
TO DO SOMETHING NICE
FOR OUR FIRST VALENTINE'S DAY.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK I WAS TRYING TO DO?
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT
RUBBING LOTION ALL OVER YOU.
I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.
YOU HAVE SAUCE ON YOUR NOSE.
LET ME GET IT. LET ME GET IT.
(Daphne) OH, YOU'VE
GOT SOME ON YOUR NECK.
[laughing] LET ME GET IT.
♪ [band playing]
[people chattering]
OH, HI, ROZ.
HI. SAY, WHERE'S MIKE?
OH, HE'S PARKING THE CAR.
MONICA, WHAT A GORGEOUS CORSAGE!
OH, THANKS. IT WAS
A GIFT FROM FRASIER
OH. ALONG WITH
ABOUT A MILLION ROSES.
HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS.
OH, KENNY. LOOK AT YOU!
WHAT CAN I SAY?
UNDER THIS GRUFF EXTERIOR BEATS
THE HEART OF A TRUE ROMANTIC.
I JUST LOVE LOVE.
[all laughing]
SO WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?
SHE HAD PLANS.
COME ON, KENNY, I'LL
BUY YOU A DRINK. GREAT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHY
DON'T WE SIT DOWN? OK.
HERE WE ARE. LET ME.
I WAS THINKING THAT
PERHAPS AFTER THE PARTY
WE COULD TAKE A CARRIAGE
RIDE THROUGH THE PARK
AND THEN MAKE OUR
WAY TO YOUR PLACE
WHERE I BELIEVE
THERE IS A 2 POUND BOX
OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES
WAITING FOR YOU.
AH, 2 POUNDS. WOW.
YES, WELL, YOUR SISTER TOLD ME
THAT TRUFFLES WERE YOUR FAVORITE.
YOU TALKED TO CHERYL? MMM.
OH. I HAVEN'T TALKED
TO HER IN MONTHS.
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
YOUR CHANCE ON SUNDAY.
WE'RE HAVING DINNER
WITH HER AND JACK.
HMM. THERE'S A
LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
I UNDERSTAND.
♪ [band playing]
HEY, FRASIER. OH, HI, ROZ.
HI. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
SAME TO YOU.
THIS IS MY DATE, ROBERT.
HELLO. NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.
HUH, WELL, ROZ, LISTEN,
THANKS FOR GETTING
ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. I...
I'VE BEEN SITTING THERE FEELING
SORRY FOR MYSELF LONG ENOUGH.
OH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
YOU KNOW, ON THE WAY OVER HERE I
WAS ACTUALLY GETTING SORT OF EXCITED
ABOUT MEETING SOMEBODY NEW.
OH, HERE'S MY SISTER NOW.
OH.
OH, MY GOD!
ARGH!
ARGH!
ARGH!
OK.
UH, WOW. LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO
ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER.
YOU EVEN HAVE YOUR
OWN LANGUAGE. HA!
IT MUST BE FATE!
MUST BE.
AH.
♪ [band playing]
FOR YOU.
OH! ANOTHER ROSE.
[laughing] YES.
FRASIER, UH, I... I APPRECIATE
EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING.
THE FLOWERS, THE CARRIAGE RIDE,
THE LOVE IS... CARTOONS
FROM THE NEWSPAPER. OH.
IT'S JUST A DROP IN THE OCEAN
COMPARED TO WHAT YOU DESERVE.
OH.
THAT SONG WAS DEDICATED
TO MR. AND MRS. TERRY CREPIN.
CELEBRATING THEIR
30TH ANNIVERSARY.
[all clapping]
THAT'S SO CUTE.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE.
OK.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE.
NORMALLY I DEAL WITH
MATTERS OF THE HEAD
BUT TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO
SHARE WHAT'S IN MY HEART.
MONICA,
THIS IS FOR YOU.
♪ HAVE I A HOPE,
OR HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ TO EVEN THINK THAT I
COULD DANCE WITH YOU? ♪
♪ OOH, OOH ♪
♪ WOULD YOU GREET ME
OR POLITELY TURN AWAY? ♪
♪ WOULD THERE
SUDDENLY BE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ ON A COLD AND RAINY DAY? ♪
♪ OH, BABE, WHAT
WOULD YOU SAY? ♪
♪ YES, OH, BABY, I KNOW ♪
♪ I KNOW I COULD BE SO IN LOVE ♪
CONGRATULATIONS.
♪ WITH YOU ♪
♪ AND I KNOW THAT I COULD
MAKE YOU LOVE ME, TOO ♪
♪ AND IF I COULD HEAR YOU SAY ♪
♪ THE WORDS YOU DO ♪
♪ WELL, ANYWAY ♪
♪ WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? ♪
FRASIER, WE NEED TO TALK.
OUCH.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, FRASIER.
EVERYTHING YOU DID WAS NICE.
IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH. HMM.
[stuttering] I MEAN, YOU MADE ME FEEL
LIKE A PROJECT AND NOT A PERSON.
WELL, I CAN TONE THINGS DOWN.
WE CAN START FRESH. HOW
ABOUT LUNCH TOMORROW?
[sighing] NOW, YOU SEE?
I WAS GONNA SAY BREAKFAST.
I THINK I SHOULD GO.
HMM, I SEE. WELL, YOU
KNOW WHAT? I'LL GET MY CAR.
NO, THAT'S OK. I'M... I'M GONNA
GET MY STUFF AND JUST TAKE A CAB
SO...
BYE, FRASIER.
[people chattering]
ARE YOU OK?
OH, WELL, I'M HUMILIATED.
OH, FRASIER, NOBODY EVEN
NOTICED WHAT HAPPENED.
OUCH.
NAH, IT'S MY OWN
FAULT REALLY. HMM.
I GUESS I JUST SAW
WHAT NILES HAD
AND I PUSHED TOO HARD
TO GET IT FOR MYSELF.
WELL, IF IT MEANS ANYTHING
I THOUGHT WHAT YOU DID
WAS TERRIBLY ROMANTIC.
[laughing]
WELL, MAYBE.
COME ON. LET ME
WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR.
OH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT MIKE?
OH, IT'LL ONLY BE A FEW
MINUTES. HE'LL BE FINE.
[gasping] OH! I'M
SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I AM SUCH A KLUTZ.
IT'S OK, REALLY. IT'S FINE.
UH, UH, LET ME GET
YOU ANOTHER DRINK.
PLEASE. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
I GUESS THAT'D BE OK. OK.
UH, MIKE.
MONICA.
(man on radio) WE NOW RETURN
TO A REPEAT BROADCAST
OF THE BEST OF CRANE.
PLEASE DO NOT CALL IN.
(Frasier on radio) BEFORE THE
BREAK, WE WERE TALKING TO PHIL
WHO'S HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING OVER A RELATIONSHIP.
PHIL, IF YOU'RE LISTENING,
IT MIGHT HELP TO KEEP
IN MIND THE OLD ADAGE,
"IT'S BETTER TO
HAVE LOVED AND LOST
THAN NEVER TO
HAVE LOVED AT ALL."
I DO MAKE A GOOD POINT.
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
(Frasier on radio) LET'S
GO TO OUR NEXT CALL.
(Rachel) HI, THIS IS RACHEL.
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
I READ THAT THURBER
BOOK YOU QUOTED FROM
AND, MAN, IS HE FUNNY.
GLAD YOU LIKED IT.
I ALSO HAVE A
CONFESSION TO MAKE.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE
A BIG CRUSH ON YOU.
[laughing] OH, WELL,
I'M FLATTERED, RACHEL.
BUT I MAKE IT A POLICY
NOT TO DATE MY CALLERS.
WELL, IF YOU EVER
CHANGE YOUR MIND,
I'M THE CHEF AT THE
COLUMBIA STREET GRILL.
YOU SHOULD COME BY SOMETIME.
[tires screeching]
(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪
♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
MERCY.
♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪
♪ WELL, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪
[laughing]
♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪
GOOD NIGHT.
(Frasier) ALL RIGHT, IF YOU MUST
KNOW, I'M JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE
FOR SOMETHING
CALLED A... A SPEED DATE.
WHAT'S A SPEED DATE?
WELL, APPARENTLY,
IT'S THE LATEST THING.
12 MEN AND 12 WOMEN
GET TOGETHER IN A ROOM.
THEY SPEND 8 MINUTES TALKING TO
ONE ANOTHER, AND THEN THEY MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT PERSON
AFTER A BELL RINGS.
BASICALLY, IT'S ALL THE
STRESS AND HUMILIATION
OF A BLIND DATE TIMES 12.
WOW, TALK ABOUT DESPERATE.
SO, WHAT BROUGHT THIS ON?
I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST SO TIRED
OF BEING SURROUNDED
BY HAPPY COUPLES.
JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD DO
SOMETHING A BIT MORE PROACTIVE.
YOU WOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT
NILES AND DAPHNE, WOULD YOU?
WELL, AMONG OTHERS. BELIEVE ME, NO
ONE COULD BE HAPPIER FOR NILES THAN I,
BUT THERE ARE DAYS WHEN
HIS LOVESICK SWAIN ACT
WEARS THE TINIEST BIT THIN.
HELLO, ALL.
NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT?
I LIKE IT. THANK YOU.
I'VE NEVER WORN AN
UNDERGARMENT IN PUBLIC BEFORE.
OH.
IS THAT MY SWEATER?
OH, YES, HERE. WHAT'S
THE EMERGENCY?
WELL, ACTUALLY, I'M
GOING OUT THIS EVENING
AND I WAS THINKING
ABOUT CHANGING MY ATTIRE.
WHILE THE SUIT
PROJECTS A CERTAIN
PROFESSIONALISM,
YOU KNOW, DR. FRASIER CRANE,
I WAS THINKING PERHAPS
THE SWEATER WOULD IMPART
A... A MORE CASUAL
FEEL, JUST FRASE.
ANY THOUGHTS?
SO, I BET YOU AND DAPHNE
HAVE BIG VALENTINE'S DAY PLANS.
OH, YES, SHE'S
COOKING DINNER FOR ME.
AND THEN I'VE ARRANGED
A BIG SURPRISE.
I'M FLYING HER TO CANCUN
FOR A LONG ROMANTIC WEEKEND.
NOT BAD!
YES, I'M WHISKING HER
TO THE AIRPORT IN A LIMO
FILLED WITH EXOTIC ORCHIDS.
YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S
TOO OVER THE TOP, DO YOU?
NO, I THINK THAT BOAT SAILED
WITH YOUR T-SHIRT. HMM.
HERE'S AN IDEA. WHAT IF I PUT
THE SWEATER UNDER THE JACKET?
THEN I'LL GET THE BEST
OF BOTH WORLDS. HMM?
HONESTLY, FRASIER, COULD
YOU BE MORE SELF-ABSORBED?
GOODBYE, ROZ. IF YOU WANNA
KNOW MORE ABOUT OUR TRIP,
WE'LL HAVE PICTURES ON OUR
WEBSITE WHEN WE GET BACK.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
FRASIER. FLIP A COIN.
LOOK, ROZ, I KNOW THIS MAY
SEEM LIKE NOTHING TO YOU,
BUT THE TINIEST DECISION CAN
SHAPE YOUR WHOLE DESTINY.
SO WHICH PATH SHOULD I FOLLOW?
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? OH, JUST PICK ONE!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, UM...
YOU'RE RIGHT. OK. FINE,
WE'LL GO WITH THE SUIT.
YOU MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE.
[both laughing] WISH ME LUCK.
OH, UH, I'M SORRY.
PARDON ME. SAY,
DON'T YOU WORK AT K.A.C.L.?
YES, I JUST STARTED.
MIKE SCHAFER.
OH, HI, MIKE. FRASIER CRANE.
HAVE YOU MET ROZ DOYLE?
NO.
OH, YOU ARE NEW, AREN'T YOU?
CAN I BUY YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?
OH, MY GOD! OW.
OH. OH, MY GOD!
FRASIER! ARE YOU OK?
WELL, I... OOH!
OH, GOSH, I THINK I'VE
WRENCHED MY SHOULDER.
OH, I AM SO SORRY. I...
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT. OW!
I'M TAKING YOU TO THE EMERGENCY
ROOM. PLEASE. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
NO, FRASIER, I'VE GOT MY CAR
RIGHT OUTSIDE. I'LL TAKE YOU.
ROZ, DON'T YOU HAVE
COFFEE WAITING? HMM?
I'M FRASIER.
HI, I'M MONICA.
OH, YOU MUST THINK
I'M SUCH A KLUTZ.
NO. NOT AT ALL.
FOR GOD'S SAKE,
FRASIER, FLIP A COIN.
LOOK, ROZ, I KNOW THIS MAY
SEEM LIKE NOTHING TO YOU,
BUT THE TINIEST DECISION CAN
SHAPE YOUR WHOLE DESTINY.
SO WHICH PATH SHOULD I FOLLOW?
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? SUIT.
SWEATER? OH, JUST PICK ONE!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, UM...
YOU'RE RIGHT. OK. FINE,
WE'LL GO WITH THE SUIT.
NO! NO! THE SWEATER!
YOU MADE THE RIGHT
CHOICE. THANK YOU.
[cutlery rattling]
OH, MY GOD! OH!
OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY.
OH, THAT'S OK. NO HARM DONE.
BOY, WHAT A KLUTZ.
[laughing]
ALL RIGHT, ROZ, WISH ME LUCK.
GOOD LUCK.
MIKE SCHAFER.
UM, LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE GONNA
NEED ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE.
OH, YEAH. I...
(Monica) YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
NOT THE FIRST GUY I'VE SENT
TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
OH. WHEN I WAS 10,
MY BROTHER FELL OFF MY
HANDLEBARS AND BROKE HIS FOOT.
THEN IN ART SCHOOL
A POTTERY WHEEL GOT AWAY FROM ME
AND SORT OF ROLLED
DOWN SOME STAIRS
AND I BROKE ONE GUY'S
KNEE AND ANOTHER GUY'S HIP.
I SUPPOSE AFTER THAT,
YOU WENT ON A KILN SPREE.
[both laughing]
UH, YEAH, I GUESS YOU CAN SAY I'VE
BROKEN MORE THAN MY SHARE OF BONES.
AND MORE THAN YOUR FAIR
SHARE OF HEARTS, I'M SURE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
[crashing]
FRASIER, I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT YOUR ARM.
[stuttering] I HOPE I HAVEN'T
RUINED YOUR PLANS.
NO, ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T HAVE
ANYTHING SPECIAL PLANNED.
HEY, HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT
THAT NEW PIRATE MOVIE?
IT'S RATED "ARGH!"
AH.
YES, THAT'S, UH,
THAT'S VERY DROLL.
GET IT? "ARGH!"
YES, YES. I DO.
THAT'S SORT OF MY
TEST JOKE. YOU KNOW,
HMM. TO SEE IF A
GUY'S COOL OR NOT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE YOU'RE THE
FIRST GUY HERE WHO LAUGHED?
I MEAN, BUT CAN'T
YOU JUST SEE IT?
A PIRATE WALKS INTO
A MOVIE THEATER.
HE'S GOT HIS EYE PATCH
AND HIS PEG LEG, AND...
[bell dings]
OH, BOY, THAT DID NOT
FEEL LIKE 8 MINUTES.
INDEED IT DID NOT.
HEY, FRASE. HOW'D THAT
SPEED DATE THING GO?
[T.V. chattering]
COULD NOT HAVE BEEN WORSE.
THAT'S NICE.
YOU'RE NOT LISTENING, DAD.
OH, I'M SORRY, SON.
WELL, DID YOU GET
ANY PHONE NUMBERS?
NO.
BUT IF I EVER WANNA
TRACK ANY OF THEM DOWN,
I CAN ALWAYS WRITE THEM, CARE OF
"THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL."
[knocking on door]
THAT'S TOO BAD.
OH, OH, HI, DAPHNE. HERE,
LET ME HELP YOU WITH THAT.
OH, THANK YOU, DR. CRANE.
YES, YES, OF COURSE.
YOU'RE REALLY
LOADIN' UP, AREN'T YOU?
IT'S FOR NILES'S
VALENTINE'S DINNER.
OH, THAT'S NOT TILL NEXT WEEK.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S A
COMPLICATED RECIPE.
I NEED TIME TO PRACTICE.
YOU TWO ARE GONNA
BE MY GUINEA PIGS.
MAYBE WE COULD
FAKE OUR OWN DEATHS.
DAPHNE,
ARE YOU PLANNING ON
USING CUMIN IN THIS RECIPE?
YEAH, THE RECIPE
CALLS FOR LOTS OF IT.
OH, BOY, N-N-NILES IS
TERRIBLY ALLERGIC TO CUMIN.
OH, DEAR.
I KNEW ABOUT THE SCALLOPS
AND THE NUTMEG, MMM-HMM.
THE OAT BRAN, WHEAT GERM,
CAROB, PARCHMENT MITES.
YES, YES, I KNOW.
HE TRIED WEARING AN ALLERGY TAG
BUT HIS NECK WAS TOO
WEAK TO SUPPORT IT.
[telephone ringing]
DID YOU SEE THAT?
THE CHARACTER IN THIS
MOVIE JUST DIALED THE PHONE
AND AT THE EXACT SAME
TIME OUR PHONE RANG.
IT'S LIKE MONTGOMERY
CLIFT IS CALLING ME.
[laughing]
YES, THAT'S FASCINATING, DAD.
HELLO. OH, HI, NILES.
NO, SHE CAN'T HEAR.
OH, GEEZ, I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WELL, ALL RIGHT. IF IT MEANS
THAT MUCH TO YOU, I'LL DO IT.
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
THAT WAS YOUR BROTHER.
HE WANTS ME TO PACK A SUITCASE
FOR DAPHNE FOR THE TRIP TO CANCUN.
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO
THROUGH HER UNMENTIONABLES.
(Frasier) HMM.
I WONDER IF I'LL EVER SEE
ANOTHER UNMENTIONABLE.
OH, COME ON, FRASE, IT
WAS JUST ONE BAD DATE.
♪ [playing piano] IT
WAS 12 BAD DATES.
AND 100 BEFORE THAT.
♪ I'M THROUGH WITH LOVE ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER FALL AGAIN ♪
YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE
THIS ALL NIGHT, AREN'T YOU?
♪ SAID ADIEU TO LOVE ♪
IT BREAKS MY HEART
TO SEE HIM LIKE THIS.
FORTUNATELY, I CAN'T
SEE HIM FROM McGINTY'S.
HI, FRASE. HOW'D THE
SPEED DATE THING GO?
ACTUALLY, I DIDN'T GO, DAD.
I WENT TO THE HOSPITAL INSTEAD.
OH, THAT'S NICE.
DAD, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.
OH, WELL, I'M SORRY, SON.
WHAT HAPPENED?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WELL, ACTUALLY, I... I TRIPPED
AND SPRAINED MY SHOULDER,
BUT I'M ACTUALLY FEELING NO PAIN
BECAUSE I MET A
BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN.
[laughing] IS SHE A NURSE?
[knock on door] NO. SHE'S
THE GIRL THAT TRIPPED ME.
HER NAME IS MONICA,
SHE'S A COMMERCIAL ARTIST
SHE'S CUTE AS A BUTTON AND SHE'S
A DANGER TO HERSELF AND OTHERS.
(Martin) GOOD FOR YOU.
OH, HI, DAPH. COULD YOU
GIVE ME A HAND HERE?
WELL, I... I WOULD EXCEPT
I SPRAINED MY SHOULDER.
BULLET IN THE HIP.
YOU STILL HAVE ONE
GOOD ARM, DR. CRANE.
AH, THE DOCTOR TOLD
ME TO TAKE IT EASY.
OH! I MET A GIRL TODAY!
YEAH, SO DID SHE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT
MIGHT BE A BIT SOON
BUT I THINK I'M GONNA
GIVE MONICA A CALL.
[telephone ringing]
[chuckles] DID YOU SEE THAT?
THE CHARACTER IN THIS
MOVIE JUST DIALED THE PHONE,
AND AT THE EXACT SAME
TIME OUR PHONE RINGS.
IT'S LIKE MONTGOMERY
CLIFT'S CALLING ME.
SAY HELLO TO HIM FOR ME.
HELLO. OH, HI, NILES.
NO, SHE CAN'T HEAR.
OH, GEEZ, I DON'T
KNOW ABOUT THAT.
HI, MONICA.
YEAH, UH, INJURED
ANYBODY LATELY?
[laughing]
REALLY?
NO, I WAS CALLING
BECAUSE I... I THOUGHT
MAYBE WE COULD HAVE
DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE WE COULD
MEET AT CAFE NERVOSA AROUND 7:00
AND GO FROM THERE?
WONDERFUL.
GREAT. I'LL... I'LL SEE YOU
TOMORROW. GOOD NIGHT.
[laughing]
SHE SAID YES. HEY, HEY!
TOMORROW NIGHT,
♪ [music playing on stereo] I
HAVE A DATE WITH AN ANGEL.
OH, YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE
THIS ALL NIGHT, AREN'T YOU?
McGINTY'S?
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
SO, WE HAD DINNER AGAIN THURSDAY
NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN ON FRIDAY.
SHE HAD PLANS WITH HER
PARENTS ON SATURDAY,
SO TO KEEP OUR STREAK ALIVE,
I ACTUALLY SENT HER A VIDEOTAPE
OF ME EATING AND
TALKING INTO THE CAMERA.
[both laughing]
THAT'S CUTE.
YOU DON'T THINK IT'S
A LITTLE TOO MUCH?
NO, IF YOU LIKE HER, GO FOR IT.
SO, HOW ARE THINGS WITH MIKE?
GOOD. HE'S TAKING ME TO THE HEART
ASSOCIATION BENEFIT ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
OH, I'M GOING, TOO. YOU KNOW,
ROZ, I THINK THIS IS A FIRST,
YOU AND I IN HAPPY
RELATIONSHIPS AT THE SAME TIME.
HI, ROZ. HI, FRASIER. OH, HI.
HOW'S YOUR HEAD?
OH, IT'S BETTER.
ACTUALLY, UH, MY PERIPHERAL
VISION IS COMING BACK.
I'M SO SORRY. HMM.
LISTEN, EVERYONE AT
WORK IS TALKING ABOUT
THE BEAUTIFUL
FLOWERS YOU SENT ME.
THANK YOU.
WAIT TILL YOU SEE
WHAT'S COMING NEXT.
YOU WON'T BE ABLE
TO THANK ME IN PUBLIC.
FRASIER, I HATE
TO BREAK IT TO YOU
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO KEEP
SENDING ME FLOWERS AND POETRY.
YOU OFFICIALLY
HAVE MY ATTENTION.
HMM.
I'M GONNA GET SOME COFFEE.
ALL RIGHT. OH, LET ME GET
THAT FOR YOU. NO. YOU'RE SWEET
BUT I THINK I CAN GET
MY OWN COFFEE. AH.
[people chattering]
LOOKS LIKE ALL THAT HARD WORK
YOU'VE BEEN DOING IS PAYING OFF.
YES, WELL, I'M NOT
ABOUT TO LET UP NOW.
I NEVER WANT HER TO FEEL AS IF
SHE'S BEING TAKEN FOR GRANTED.
WOW, YOU'RE GIVING
NILES A RUN FOR HIS MONEY.
OH, PLEASE. IN THE GREAT
GOLDEN BOOK OF LOVE,
NILES WILL BE A MERE
FOOTNOTE TO MY GLORIOUS SAGA.
I'M GONNA TAKE HIS BALL
AND RUN IT TO THE END ZONE.
IS THAT A THING? YES.
GOOD.
OH, COME ON, FRASE. YOU'VE BEEN
MOPING AROUND HERE ALL WEEK.
[T.V. chattering] WHY DON'T
YOU JOIN ME AT McGINTY'S?
IT'S CRAZY THERE
ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
LAST YEAR McGINTY HIRED
THIS FAT GUY IN A DIAPER
TO RUN AROUND SHOOTIN' A
BOW AND ARROW AT PEOPLE.
[laughing]
NO, NO, WAIT, THAT MIGHT
HAVE BEEN THE SUPER BOWL.
YOU HAD ME RIGHT
UP UNTIL DIAPER, DAD.
[Niles laughing]
YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS, YOU
GUYS, YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.
LOOK, DAPHNE HAS
SAUCE ON HER NOSE.
IS THAT THE CUTEST THING
YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE?
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LET ME GET IT. MMM.
MMM, MMM, MMM. OH.
YOU'VE GOT SOME ON
YOUR NECK. OH, DO I?
OH!
[laughing] OH,
SOMEBODY'S TICKLISH!
(Niles) ARE YOU TICKLISH, TOO?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
TRUCE, TRUCE. WAIT.
I... I WAS GONNA WAIT
TILL AFTER DINNER
TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT I CAN'T.
IN 3 HOURS, YOU AND I
ARE GONNA BE ON
A PLANE TO CANCUN!
[exclaiming]
(Daphne) I BARELY
HAVE TIME TO PACK!
THAT'S ALREADY TAKEN CARE OF.
DAD PACKED A BAG FOR YOU.
OH, MR. CRANE!
[laughing]
I'VE NEVER BEEN
THIS HAPPY IN MY LIFE!
I'M HAPPIER THAN YOU
ARE! OH, I DON'T THINK SO!
EXCUSE ME, SOMEBODY'S TRYIN'
TO WATCH BEHIND THE MUSIC HERE.
[telephone ringing]
HELLO?
HEY, HI, ROZ.
[scoffing] NO. NO, I'M NOT
GOING TO THE BENEFIT.
YEAH, I'LL BET SHE'S GOT
A GREAT PERSONALITY.
YES, WELL, THANKS ANYWAY,
ROZ. LISTEN, YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.
BYE. GOOD NIGHT.
ROZ FIND YOU A DATE FOR TONIGHT?
YEAH. SHE'S GOING WITH SOME
GUY THAT LIVES IN HER BUILDING.
HE'S GOT A SISTER.
WELL, YOU OUGHT TO GO. BEATS HANGING
AROUND HERE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF.
DAD, PLEASE. ONLY THING
WORSE THAN A BLIND DATE
WOULD BE A BLIND DATE
ON VALENTINE'S DAY. OK?
I CAN'T IMAGINE A WORSE
WAY TO SPEND THE EVENING.
[both laughing]
YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!
[both moaning]
OH, LET'S GET MORE. COME ON,
COME ON. LET'S DO IT AGAIN. WAIT.
MAYBE ROZ HASN'T LEFT YET.
IT'S NOW 7:45.
AT THIS PRECISE MOMENT
SHE SHOULD BE
RECEIVING A JEROBOAM
OF CHILLED CHAMPAGNE.
YOU'RE REALLY LAYING
IT ON THICK, AREN'T YOU?
OH, GOD, DAD. YOU DON'T
KNOW THE HALF OF IT.
THIS MORNING SHE WAS AWAKENED
BY A STRING QUARTET
ON HER PORCH.
AND THEN WHEN MONICA
ARRIVED AT HER OFFICE,
THERE WERE 7 DOZEN
ROSES ON HER DESK,
A DOZEN FOR EVERY
DAY THAT I'VE KNOWN HER.
I'M SORRY! (Martin)
WHAT HAPPENED?
HE'S HAVING SOME KIND
OF REACTION TO THE SAUCE.
DID YOU PUT SCALLOPS IN IT? NO.
NUTMEG? (Daphne) NO.
WHEAT GERM? NO.
CAROB? NO.
CUMIN? MAYBE.
OH, THIS IS A DISASTER.
WE HAVE RESERVATIONS
TO FLY TO CANCUN TONIGHT.
OH, REALLY?
WELL, WE CAN'T GO NOW. I CAN'T
POSSIBLY SIT STILL ON A PLANE FOR 5 HOURS
WITH THIS R-R-RASH
YOU'VE GIVEN ME!
NOW, NILES, PLEASE
DON'T LET A LITTLE MISTAKE
DISTURB THE MOST
MAGICAL EVENING...
OH, THE WHOLE WEEKEND IS RUINED!
WELL, I SAID I WAS SORRY!
OH, I EVEN HAD DAD
PACK A BAG FOR YOU.
YOU DID WHAT? YOU LET
HIM GO THROUGH MY THINGS?
HOW COULD YOU!
I'M SORRY! I WAS TRYING
TO DO SOMETHING NICE
FOR OUR FIRST VALENTINE'S DAY.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
THINK I WAS TRYING TO DO?
NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO
SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT
RUBBING LOTION ALL OVER YOU.
I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.
YOU HAVE SAUCE ON YOUR NOSE.
LET ME GET IT. LET ME GET IT.
(Daphne) OH, YOU'VE
GOT SOME ON YOUR NECK.
[laughing] LET ME GET IT.
♪ [band playing]
[people chattering]
OH, HI, ROZ.
HI. SAY, WHERE'S MIKE?
OH, HE'S PARKING THE CAR.
MONICA, WHAT A GORGEOUS CORSAGE!
OH, THANKS. IT WAS
A GIFT FROM FRASIER
OH. ALONG WITH
ABOUT A MILLION ROSES.
HELLO, YOUNG LOVERS.
OH, KENNY. LOOK AT YOU!
WHAT CAN I SAY?
UNDER THIS GRUFF EXTERIOR BEATS
THE HEART OF A TRUE ROMANTIC.
I JUST LOVE LOVE.
[all laughing]
SO WHERE'S YOUR WIFE?
SHE HAD PLANS.
COME ON, KENNY, I'LL
BUY YOU A DRINK. GREAT.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WHY
DON'T WE SIT DOWN? OK.
HERE WE ARE. LET ME.
I WAS THINKING THAT
PERHAPS AFTER THE PARTY
WE COULD TAKE A CARRIAGE
RIDE THROUGH THE PARK
AND THEN MAKE OUR
WAY TO YOUR PLACE
WHERE I BELIEVE
THERE IS A 2 POUND BOX
OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES
WAITING FOR YOU.
AH, 2 POUNDS. WOW.
YES, WELL, YOUR SISTER TOLD ME
THAT TRUFFLES WERE YOUR FAVORITE.
YOU TALKED TO CHERYL? MMM.
OH. I HAVEN'T TALKED
TO HER IN MONTHS.
WELL, YOU'LL HAVE
YOUR CHANCE ON SUNDAY.
WE'RE HAVING DINNER
WITH HER AND JACK.
HMM. THERE'S A
LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.
OH, YES, OF COURSE.
I UNDERSTAND.
♪ [band playing]
HEY, FRASIER. OH, HI, ROZ.
HI. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
SAME TO YOU.
THIS IS MY DATE, ROBERT.
HELLO. NICE TO MEET YOU.
NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.
HUH, WELL, ROZ, LISTEN,
THANKS FOR GETTING
ME OUT OF THE HOUSE. I...
I'VE BEEN SITTING THERE FEELING
SORRY FOR MYSELF LONG ENOUGH.
OH, THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
YOU KNOW, ON THE WAY OVER HERE I
WAS ACTUALLY GETTING SORT OF EXCITED
ABOUT MEETING SOMEBODY NEW.
OH, HERE'S MY SISTER NOW.
OH.
OH, MY GOD!
ARGH!
ARGH!
ARGH!
OK.
UH, WOW. LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO
ALREADY KNOW EACH OTHER.
YOU EVEN HAVE YOUR
OWN LANGUAGE. HA!
IT MUST BE FATE!
MUST BE.
AH.
♪ [band playing]
FOR YOU.
OH! ANOTHER ROSE.
[laughing] YES.
FRASIER, UH, I... I APPRECIATE
EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING.
THE FLOWERS, THE CARRIAGE RIDE,
THE LOVE IS... CARTOONS
FROM THE NEWSPAPER. OH.
IT'S JUST A DROP IN THE OCEAN
COMPARED TO WHAT YOU DESERVE.
OH.
THAT SONG WAS DEDICATED
TO MR. AND MRS. TERRY CREPIN.
CELEBRATING THEIR
30TH ANNIVERSARY.
[all clapping]
THAT'S SO CUTE.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
YOU WAIT RIGHT HERE.
OK.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYBODY.
I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE.
NORMALLY I DEAL WITH
MATTERS OF THE HEAD
BUT TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO
SHARE WHAT'S IN MY HEART.
MONICA,
THIS IS FOR YOU.
♪ HAVE I A HOPE,
OR HALF A CHANCE ♪
♪ TO EVEN THINK THAT I
COULD DANCE WITH YOU? ♪
♪ OOH, OOH ♪
♪ WOULD YOU GREET ME
OR POLITELY TURN AWAY? ♪
♪ WOULD THERE
SUDDENLY BE SUNSHINE ♪
♪ ON A COLD AND RAINY DAY? ♪
♪ OH, BABE, WHAT
WOULD YOU SAY? ♪
♪ YES, OH, BABY, I KNOW ♪
♪ I KNOW I COULD BE SO IN LOVE ♪
CONGRATULATIONS.
♪ WITH YOU ♪
♪ AND I KNOW THAT I COULD
MAKE YOU LOVE ME, TOO ♪
♪ AND IF I COULD HEAR YOU SAY ♪
♪ THE WORDS YOU DO ♪
♪ WELL, ANYWAY ♪
♪ WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? ♪
FRASIER, WE NEED TO TALK.
OUCH.
DON'T GET ME WRONG, FRASIER.
EVERYTHING YOU DID WAS NICE.
IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH. HMM.
[stuttering] I MEAN, YOU MADE ME FEEL
LIKE A PROJECT AND NOT A PERSON.
WELL, I CAN TONE THINGS DOWN.
WE CAN START FRESH. HOW
ABOUT LUNCH TOMORROW?
[sighing] NOW, YOU SEE?
I WAS GONNA SAY BREAKFAST.
I THINK I SHOULD GO.
HMM, I SEE. WELL, YOU
KNOW WHAT? I'LL GET MY CAR.
NO, THAT'S OK. I'M... I'M GONNA
GET MY STUFF AND JUST TAKE A CAB
SO...
BYE, FRASIER.
[people chattering]
ARE YOU OK?
OH, WELL, I'M HUMILIATED.
OH, FRASIER, NOBODY EVEN
NOTICED WHAT HAPPENED.
OUCH.
NAH, IT'S MY OWN
FAULT REALLY. HMM.
I GUESS I JUST SAW
WHAT NILES HAD
AND I PUSHED TOO HARD
TO GET IT FOR MYSELF.
WELL, IF IT MEANS ANYTHING
I THOUGHT WHAT YOU DID
WAS TERRIBLY ROMANTIC.
[laughing]
WELL, MAYBE.
COME ON. LET ME
WALK YOU TO YOUR CAR.
OH, WELL, WHAT ABOUT MIKE?
OH, IT'LL ONLY BE A FEW
MINUTES. HE'LL BE FINE.
[gasping] OH! I'M
SORRY. I'M SORRY.
I AM SUCH A KLUTZ.
IT'S OK, REALLY. IT'S FINE.
UH, UH, LET ME GET
YOU ANOTHER DRINK.
PLEASE. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
I GUESS THAT'D BE OK. OK.
UH, MIKE.
MONICA.
(man on radio) WE NOW RETURN
TO A REPEAT BROADCAST
OF THE BEST OF CRANE.
PLEASE DO NOT CALL IN.
(Frasier on radio) BEFORE THE
BREAK, WE WERE TALKING TO PHIL
WHO'S HAVING TROUBLE
GETTING OVER A RELATIONSHIP.
PHIL, IF YOU'RE LISTENING,
IT MIGHT HELP TO KEEP
IN MIND THE OLD ADAGE,
"IT'S BETTER TO
HAVE LOVED AND LOST
THAN NEVER TO
HAVE LOVED AT ALL."
I DO MAKE A GOOD POINT.
WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP.
(Frasier on radio) LET'S
GO TO OUR NEXT CALL.
(Rachel) HI, THIS IS RACHEL.
I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW
I READ THAT THURBER
BOOK YOU QUOTED FROM
AND, MAN, IS HE FUNNY.
GLAD YOU LIKED IT.
I ALSO HAVE A
CONFESSION TO MAKE.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE
A BIG CRUSH ON YOU.
[laughing] OH, WELL,
I'M FLATTERED, RACHEL.
BUT I MAKE IT A POLICY
NOT TO DATE MY CALLERS.
WELL, IF YOU EVER
CHANGE YOUR MIND,
I'M THE CHEF AT THE
COLUMBIA STREET GRILL.
YOU SHOULD COME BY SOMETIME.
[tires screeching]
(Frasier) ♪ HEY, BABY, I
HEAR THE BLUES A-CALLIN' ♪
♪ TOSSED SALADS
AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
MERCY.
♪ AND MAYBE I SEEM
A BIT CONFUSED ♪
♪ WELL, MAYBE, BUT
I GOT YOU PEGGED ♪
[laughing]
♪ BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ WITH THOSE TOSSED
SALADS AND SCRAMBLED EGGS ♪
♪ THEY'RE CALLIN' AGAIN ♪
GOOD NIGHT.