Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 5 - The Dog That Rocks the Cradle - full transcript

ROZ: I'm sorry
I brought Alice today,

when we have
so much work to do.

FRASIER:
Oh, that's all right, Roz.

You know what? You'll find
another nanny soon.

I'd better.
Yeah.

I have a date tomorrow.

It's my first one
in a month.

A month.

Between spending

my days with you
and my nights with Alice,

I've forgotten what
a real conversation is like.



Well...

don't tell Alice that.

It might hurt her feelings.

(baby crying)

Whoop, there we go again.

Okay. Thanks.
Mm-hmm!

Hello.

Hello.
Hello, boys.

Just look at
the dapper gent

I ran into
on the elevator.

All right, Niles,
that's enough.

Yes, I like the
suit you got me.

All right, well,
tell me about the comments.

Did everybody there
ooh and ahh?



No. People were
pretty much looking

at the guy in the casket.

So, Dad,
how was the funeral?

Oh, it was terrible.

It's not at all the way
Stan would've wanted it.

They did everything
on the cheap.

And that daughter of his--

she didn't even get
the good priest.

She got some rookie
from the seminary

who stumbled
all through the eulogy

and couldn't even pronounce
"Wojadubakowski."

Well, I can commiserate
with you, Dad.

I had rather a bad day
on the death front, myself.

Uh, sherry?

Yes, please, Niles.

I received
a letter today

informing me that,
thanks to my divorce,

I've lost my plot at
Seattle's toniest cemetery.

You mean
you're out of Verdant Hills?

Oh, I am sorry, Niles.

I know how much you were looking
forward to being dead there.

They've wait-listed me,

but I don't
like my odds.

Mm.

FRASIER:
I don't blame you.

One country club fire,

you can kiss
your chances good-bye.

I went to all sorts of funerals
as a child.

My uncle's a mortician.

Lovely man.

He's offered to do my makeup
for the wedding.

I can just hear
the whispers now.

"Did you see the bride?
Very lifelike."

Dad, you know, I'm sorry

about your friend's funeral
not going so well.

Rest assured,
when the time comes--

years from now--

Niles and I will follow
your wishes to the letter.

Thank you.

By the way, Dad,
what are your wishes?

Never mind. I'm not gonna
go planning

my own funeral.
It's bad luck.

But, Dad...
Nuh-uh-uh.

You don't pull
the cord on the bus

until you're ready to get off.

Pull the what on
the what? I don't...

I'm surprised-- I didn't know
Dad had such a bugaboo

about his funeral
arrangements.

Yeah, I know,
it's a painful subject,

but we've got to plan for it.

We all must be prepared

when the cold hand of death
comes knocking on our door.

(hard knocking)

Would you get that?

I most certainly will not.

Pizza. Oh, thank you
very much.

Bulldog.

Good Lord.

Oh, come in, come in.

Oh, heavens.

Oh, you remember
my brother, Niles.

Niles,
you remember Bulldog.

Yes, of course.
Hello, Bulldog.

So, you're delivering pizzas
for a living?

Uh, no,
I'm an eccentric millionaire.

This has always been my dream.

Bulldog, I can't tell you how
sorry I am... Hey, no, no, no, no.

Can the sad face, okay?

I'm just making some extra cash
between radio gigs.

Well... Oh, it's
18 bucks, by the way.

Oh, right. You know,
I-I just stopped by

to leave off
these opera tickets.

I'll be on my way.
Oh, thank you, Niles.

By the way, I'm a little
short of cash.

Do you mind, uh...?

Oh, yes.
Thank you.

(whispers): Let's see...
(muttering)

There you are.
And, uh...

a little something
extra for you.

Wow. That's a pretty
generous tip.

Oh, I'll say--
wrong bill.

Hey, good luck, Doc.
I'll see ya.

Thanks, Bulldog.
Take care.

All right.

Bulldog.

Oh, Roz.

Are you delivering pizzas?

Yeah, yeah.

This is kind
of awkward, huh?

Oh, no, don't
be embarrassed.

A job's a job.

No, I mean awkward for you.

This is the first time
you've seen me since, uh,

we had that fling
and I dumped you.

I dumped you, pizza boy.

Yeah, whatever.

Hey, look
who's here.

Hey, sweet pea,
you are getting so big.

Hey, look at that smile;
she likes me.

She's relieved not to be

the least-mature person
in the room anymore.

Who's got a mean old mommy?

(softly):
Roz?

Listen, I think
you may have solved

your baby-sitting
problem.

Bulldog? Are you nuts?

Yes, well, look.

Alice is obviously
crazy about him.

He could use the money.

(coos)

I don't know.

Oh, okay, fine.

Fine, Roz, you just
cancel your date.

I mean, you've been
this long without a man.

What's a few days more?

Bulldog, do you want a job?

BULLDOG:
Okay, come on, one more bite...

and we can watch
Sportscenter.

Have you seen my purse?

Yeah, it's on the chair.

Oh.

Steve is going to
be here any minute.

So, you been dating
for a while?

Actually, no.

Tonight's our first date.

In fact, it's my first date
in a month.

Whoa, you injured?
You pull something?

No.

I guess, uh, no one
quite measured up

to that week you spent
in the doghouse, huh?

Let's get one thing straight.

That little fling we had
is way over.

I know, I know,
I know, I know.

I was joking.
Okay.

Well, okay, if you're not going
to have some peaches

we got some Jell-O
in the fridge, huh?

You know, some
naughty ladies

like to wrestle
in that stuff.

(knock at door)

Oh, who's that?
Who's that?

Let's go see...

let's go see who it is.

Hey.
Oh!

Excuse me. Is this
Roz Doyle's apartment?

Yeah, yeah. You her date?

Yeah.
Listen up.

You go out with Roz tonight,

I will rip off your arm,
ram it down your throat,

and use it to squeeze your heart
until it stops beating.

Hey, who's my pretty girl?

Huh? Hmm?

Okay, dirtball,

as soon as you get out of here

you call Roz, and you cancel
like a gentleman.

And, as far as she's concerned,

this conversation
never took place. Got it?

Uh... who are you?

I'm your worst nightmare:
The baby-sitter.

Okay, time to brush
your toothies.

Whoa!

Do I look slutty?

All right, if you're

fishing for compliments,
yeah, you look slutty.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Hey, Stephen.

Oh, really.

Well, tomorrow's Saturday.
I mean, you won't have to...

(sighs)

No, it's okay.

Yeah, bye.

I don't believe it.

My first date in a month,

and he blows me off.

At the last minute?

What a jerk.

He does not deserve you.

Thanks, Bulldog.

Yeah...

Well, I guess I can go.

Oh!

I ordered a pizza.

Uh, just, uh, have him
drop it by my place.

Oh.

Oh, I'm at the YMCA.

Oh, have him, uh...

well, have him knock hard.

I turn up the radio
to drown out the sirens.

Why don't you just stay
and have your pizza?

Well, are you sure?

Yeah, it's not like
I'm doing anything tonight.

Okay.
Come and tell us

what you guys did
at the park today.

Ah!

We fed the ducks.

We went on a pony ride

and came back for
a whole jar of peas.

Peas? How'd you get her
to eat those?

Oh, there's a trick to it--
you got to pretend

to sneeze them
out of your nose.

How'd you come up with that?

It's an
interesting story.

Actually, don't tell me.

(murmuring voices)

NILES:
Frasier.

FRASIER:
Oh. Good afternoon, Niles.

NILES:
Coffee's on me.

I'm back in
Verdant Hills Cemetery.

Oh, well, congratulations.

Nothing left now
but all that pesky waiting.

(both chuckling)

I haven't gotten
the official word yet,

but, uh, I've
called in a favor.

Bruce Mcguirk is
on the board of directors.

I gave him grief counseling
when his uncle was lost at sea.

And it occurred to me--
there's a plot gone begging.

Tell me something.
Do I have the word

"loser" tattooed
across my forehead?

No, Roz.

But there is a rumor

about a Tweety Bird
on your upper thigh.

(chuckles)

I had two dates this
week, and both of them

have bailed out on me
at the last second.

What's wrong with me?
Oh, don't count

yourself out just yet, Roz.

Yeah, right.
No, no. There's

a young man over there
who can't take his eyes off you.

He's been staring at you
ever since you came in.

(gasps) That's Ted
from the ad department.

We've been making eye contact
for months.

Oh, yes, Ted.

Well, his gaze is so steamy,
it's re-foaming my latte.

(both laugh)

Why don't you go over there
and talk with him?

I can't.
I don't know what to say.

I'll tell you what,
ask him to dinner.

I'm going to Chez Henri myself
this evening.

I'll call and get you a table.

Oh, I don't know;
I'm feeling

a little gun-shy.
Roz, you'd better hurry.

If he sees you talking to me
another minute longer,

he'll think he's got
some serious competition.

(laughs)

Thank you, Frasier.
I needed a good laugh

to loosen me up.
Go.

Yes, hello, Henri.

It's Frasier Crane.

(phone rings)

Yes, I was just wondering--

I'd like to get a table

for a dear friend
of mine tonight, as well.

Niles Crane here.

Hello, Bruce. I hope
you're calling

with good news
about Verdant Hills.

Table for two.

Yes, a plot for one.

By the kitchen?

Oh, Lord, I was hoping

for something
near the fireplace.

Near the parking lot?

I'd prefer the
Serenity Garden.

Oh, the back room
would be fine.

Uh, who's at the next table?

The hilltop is divine.

Who's in the
adjacent plot?

The Ashby's? Wonderful.

The Ashby's? Delightful.

Thank you very much.

I'm so grateful.
Ahh...

Mcguirk got me a shady
spot on the high hill.

You mean...?
Yes.

I'll spend eternity
looking down on Maris.

Oh, Niles.

Checkmate!

(laughing)

He said yes.

Well, of course, he did,
Roz. Congratulations.

And you're all set
at Chez Henri.

Great.
BULLDOG: Okay!

What sorry bastard would steal
a pacifier from a kid?

This stinks!
This is total b.s.!

This... Oh...
found it, found it.

Listen, Bulldog,
I hate to do this to you.

Hey, Alice.

Can you baby-sit
tonight?

I just got a date

with Ted over there.

Really?
Yeah.

Yeah, sure, I can stay.

Hey, way to go, slugger.
Thanks. I'd better

go home and get ready.
Hey, you go ahead. I'll, uh...

I'll catch up with you
after I hit the can.

Oh. Lovely.

Hey, Ted. Right?

Bulldog.
Long time no see. Yeah.

Hey, I hear you're going out
with Roz tonight.

Yeah.
Listen up.

You have her home
45 minutes

after you pick her up,
or you'll be sorry.

(chuckles): Yeah?
Hmm.

What are you going
to do about it?

(snapping)

Oh, my God!

If I'm willing
to do that to me,

just think
what I'll do to you.

Okay, 45 minutes.

Or else.

Hey, boys, feel
like taking a ride?

Uh...
Well, sure, Dad.

Where to?
Well, I got thinking

about what we were talking
the other night,

you know, about me
not having made

any arrangements for myself,
and so I just went out,

and I bought myself
a burial plot.

(chuckling)

Wow.
All right.

Let's go have
a look, Dad. Yeah.

You know, I'm glad to see

you finally realized
there's no point

in being superstitious
about the whole thing.

No, I realized, if I let you
plan my funeral,

that it'd be all
harps, white wine,

and, frankly, a lot of very
pissed-off cops.

Right up here on the left.

Got the whole service
mapped out.

It'll start with a bagpipe
a-marching down the aisle.

Bagpipes?

I'm having bagpipes
at my wedding.

You knew that.

And none of that dainty
finger food either--

big slabs of beef, prime rib.

You can't have
prime rib.

I'm having prime rib.

Oh, for Pete's sake.
No, no, this is lovely.

If you kick off
before I get married,

you'll ruin
everything.

All right,
I'll drop the bagpipes.

No, no, have
the bagpipes.

What else are
you gonna have?

A big cake with a little white
coffin on the top?

Oh, just put a sock
in it, will ya?

Wouldn't surprise me
if you had a hearse

with "Just buried"
on the side of it. Don't start!

I'm warning you!

Pretty great, huh?

Mm-hmm.
Mmm! Yeah.

And I'll put
your mom's ashes

over there on the left,

because that was her side
of the bed and, um...

Oh! See how close we are
to the maintenance shed?

Mmm.

And that's good
because...

You're the first one
to get mowed.

Yeah.

So, do you really
like this place?

Yes, Dad.

Oh... uh, Fras, take about
three steps

over to your left, will you?

Keep going,
keep going.

Oh.

There you are.

Niles, stand
right next to him.

Uh-huh.
Yeah.

Congratulations, you're standing
on your very own graves.

What?!

(laughs):
Yes!

Well, they were for sale,
so I went ahead and bought them.

And, after seeing how much
you like it out here,

I'm glad I did.

Oh...
Oh, but, Dad...

Aw, I know what
you're going to say--

the expense,
but don't worry about it.

Merry Christmas.

(door opening)

(sighs heavily)

Sorry we had to rush
out like that.

Me, too. Is your stomach
feeling any better?

Um... not really.

Can I get you
some ginger ale or...

(cracking)

I really better go now.

Wait.

She's asleep, Roz.

Don't worry,
I won't disturb you and...

Where's Ted?

He ditched me.

What?!

He kept saying his stomach
was bothering him,

but he was looking
at his watch

the whole time.

What is wrong with men?

It's not him. It's me. This
has been happening all week.

No, no, no, no.

Trust me. It is not you.

Those guys are jerks.

Thanks, Bulldog.

Hey, oh, look, if
you're hungry, I...

I was just whipping up
a little something.

There's probably enough for two.

Great.

I'm just going to
go change, okay?

Okay.

(knock at door)

What the hell
are you doing here?

I know. I'm sorry.

You are supposed to be gone.

How many of my own fingers
do I have to dislocate

before you take me
seriously?

TED: I got her home in
45 minutes, okay?

She left this
in the car... (barks)

(sighs)

This smells delicious.

Ah, ah, ah, ah!

Thank you.

Ow.

I guess I'm a little tense
from that date.

Well, allow me.

Ow, ow, ow!

You're tight.

Oh.

I forgot how good
you were at this.

Come to think of it...

you were good
at a lot of things.

Whoa.

Victoria's Secret,
page 39.

Why don't we just skip dinner
and go straight for dessert?

Oh, whoa.

Penthouse Forum,
page 23.

(Roz laughing)

Are you the new pizza man?

I hope you're not double-parked.

I promise you, ma'am,

I will deliver
in 30 minutes...

or more.

Wait. There's a scented candle
out on the balcony.

Would you get that for me?

I'm kind of naked here.

It's cedarwood.

It promotes stamina
and sexual creativity.

I'll be right back.

Roz, open the door.

Oh, I get it.

Pizza man!

You slimebag!

You've been scaring
off my dates all week!

I don't know what you're
talking about. Cut the crap!

I just saw you
talking to Ted!

This is the lowest
thing you've ever done.

After the way I've
trusted you, this is

the way you treat me? Look,
will you let me in, please?

No!
Come on, it's freezing

out here, as you
can plainly see.

Good. I want
you to suffer.

(sighs)

Oh, don't sit there.

I eat off that table,
for God's sake.

Roz?
Get dressed!

Roz, come on.

No!
Roz, wait!

Wait. Will you
let me explain?

I don't want to hear it.

You make me sick.
Just get out!

Roz, I wasn't just trying
to get you in bed.

Just give me
a second, please?

All right, last spring

when we were together,
it was great.

And...

I didn't know how to handle it,
so I ran away...

But, when I saw you again,
it was...

I figured if I could keep
the competition

out of the way, then maybe...

you and I, I don't know...

we could be a couple.

Us?

I think I'm in love with you.

You're not saying anything, Roz.

Wait a minute.

I know what you're doing.

What?

All this love stuff is just
another way to get me into bed.

No, Roz, no.

God, it's the oldest
trick in the book.

Wait a minute, Roz...

And you're still at it;
you're still at it.

No, listen, listen, Roz. Give up,
Bulldog. Give up, Bulldog.

You can't blame a guy
for trying, huh?

No!

I had you going, huh?
Yes!

With all the dishes
and the laundry... ah!

You're the master.

Yeah. Oh, I even put child-proof
latches on the, uh,

on the cabinets-- you know,

part of my plan
to get you in the sack.

You are such a pig!

Well...

I better be going.

Okay.

Thank you for all
of your help with Alice.

Oh...

I'll see you, Bob.

See you, Roz.

(sighs heavily)

(knock at door)

I'm sorry, Mrs. Wozniak.

I know the balcony
is not for sex play.

FRASIER:
It's Frasier.

And by the way,
charming.

It's open.

Well, I just saw you dash
out of the restaurant with Ted.

I thought,
"My God, what's wrong?"

You are not going to believe
what just happened.

Bulldog just told me
he loved me.

What?

Yeah, he made Ted

bring me home early.

It turns out he's been
scaring my dates off all week.

Well, what did you say to him?

I tried
to let him down easy.

I felt sorry for the guy.

Bulldog. Wow.

He's full
of surprises, isn't he?

Who'd have thought?

(both chuckle)

You know what's
really weird?

I'm going to miss him.

Look at this.

I never had to worry
about Alice.

He kept this place so neat.

And it was really nice
to have someone to...

someone to come home to.

Well, maybe Bulldog--
in his own clumsy way--

gave you a taste of a

more traditional
lifestyle.

Yes, I suppose so.
Mmm.

Who knows, Roz?

Maybe the time has come.

You might be willing
to start looking for a...

What? A husband?

No, I wasn't going to say that. I...
Just because I'm gonna

miss certain things
about Bulldog

doesn't mean I need
to rush out and get married.

Fine. I mean, look at
this week I've had.

Three guys interested in me,

not to mention Bulldog.

I mean,
I'm liking this.

Single life's pretty good.

All right, Roz.

As long as you're okay.

I really appreciate
you coming by.

It's okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Of course.

Good night.

Good night.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, Seattle!
We love you!