Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 6 - Rivals - full transcript

Hey, Frasier.

Hello, Poppy.

You should have your
hearing checked.

I've been yelling,
"Wait up,"

for the last
four blocks.

Well, I must be getting old.

Like an old man
could walk that fast.

You were practically running
the last block.

Did I ever tell you about
my uncle who ran everywhere?

He ran to the store...

Well, that's
a very amusing story.



I'll see you
at the station.

Roz!

Good God. Thank
God you were here.

I know exactly how
you feel.

Last week, I ducked
into a bathroom stall

to get away from her,
and there were

three other women
already in there.

Gosh.

Listen, I have
a favor to ask.

This friend of mine
is running

this charity dinner/dance
Friday night...

Oh, Roz,
say no more.

What do they need,
an autographed picture

for their silent auction?



That would be a silent auction.

Oh, very funny.

No, what I was hoping you would
do is buy some tickets.

They're only 100 bucks each.

I don't know, Roz.

You know,
I'd have to take a date.

Seattle does have
certain expectations

about the sort of person
I should be seen with.

Well, that's easy.
Here he is. Oh.

Let's see if he's free.
I'll let you know.

Hey, Roz. Frasier.

Niles.
Mind if I join you?

Well, actually,
I'm not staying.

I'm avoiding
someone.

Oh? Who?

The new so-called
arts critic

at the station--
Poppy. Oh. Uh-huh.

The woman
drives me mad.

She's gassing
on endlessly

about the most
mundane matters.

It's absolutely
infuriating,

as is that
smirk of yours.

Well, I'm sorry.

I've noticed
that not a day goes by

that you don't bad-mouth
this woman.

Well, with good reason.
The woman is a wind sock.

Mm-hmm.

I'm wondering
if someone

isn't protesting
a bit too much.

She's very attractive,
obviously well-bred.

Perhaps all this pigtails-
in-the-inkwell hostility

is actually a latent attraction.

Oh, well, bravo,
Dr. Crane.

Yes, I think you're really
onto something there.

POPPY:
Hey, where'd Roz go?

Oh, she dashed
off to the office.

We're going to continue
our meeting there.

You know, Poppy,
I was just telling my brother

what an enchanting
storyteller you are.

Why don't you
take my seat,

and he can find
out for himself.

Ta-ta.

Well, it's, uh,

nice to finally
meet you, Poppy.

Must be quite a story
behind that name.

Yes.

So...

you're the new arts critic
at the station.

That... that must be
interesting.

Oh, yes.

Okay, well, um...

if you don't feel
like talking,

I should really
be running anyway.

No, don't go.

I am just amazed

at how different you are
from your brother.

He's sort of
intimidating.

I get so flustered
around him,

I just start
babbling.

But you...
you're different.

You're very warm.

Thank you.

So are you.

And polite.

Not to mention
stylish and charming

and incredibly handsome.

Oh, my God, am
I babbling again?

If you were,
I'd be too charming

and polite to tell you.

Well, what the
hell are you doing?

I've been waiting

for 20 minutes.

I am so sorry.

You're probably
wondering

who I am.

I'm mildly curious.

I was in the shower--
my shower...

Uh, I just moved in next door.

I probably should have started
with that, huh?

Anyway... oh, I'm
Regan Shaw, by the way.

Nice to see you.
Anyway, uh...

the doorbell rang, and I figured
it was the phone guy,

'cause I've been waiting
all day long.

So I ran to catch him,
stepped out into the hallway

and locked myself out.

Luckily, luckily,
your father came along.

Hey, Fras.

Yes, that was lucky.

All right, well, this
should keep you nice and warm,

and I'll just run
in the kitchen

and get you
your herbal tea.

If you'll excuse me,

I'll just show my father

where it's kept.

Pretty sweet, huh?

I just found her
right out in the hall.

Yes, well, I'm sorry, Dad,
but you can't keep her.

No. I brought her here for you.

I've been talking you up
the whole time. Really?

Yeah. Listen.

I'm serving this one
to you on a platter.

In fact, if it wasn't
for the jasmine on your robe,

I'd say that this one
was a slam dunk.

I just wonder...
It's a basketball term.

Yes, I know that, Dad.

I just wonder how to chat up
a half-naked woman

without looking uncouth.

Well, just
be friendly.

She's a veterinarian,
she's single, uh...

She's very athletic,
as you can tell from that body.

Lord in heaven!

Oh, Dad, please...

Just because you're
serving the cake

doesn't mean you can't
have a few crumbs

that drop off.
(groans)

(chuckling):
Hi.

Well, here we go.

There you are.

Now, uh, I got
a call to make,

so Frasier will keep you
entertained.

Thanks for the tea.

You're welcome.

So, uh... you're next door.

Oh, that's right.

Judge Gilroy moved
in with his daughter.

I bet he never wandered into
your apartment wearing a towel.

No, no. I did
hear he wandered

into work one day
wearing a towel, though.

I guess that's why he had
to move in with his daughter.

That was dumb.
I walked off with your car keys.

I should have known
from the big "BMW" on it.

Thank you, Dad.

So...

"Regan." That's an unusual name.

Is it, by any chance, from...

From King Lear, yeah.
A-ha.

One of the ungrateful
daughters.

I don't know what
my dad was thinking.

Never do.

I'm sorry.

I have some issues
with my father.

Excuse me again.

I have no idea what
that would be like.

Well, I'd better be
on my way, huh,

and, uh,

just let you
two talk.

Oh, he's a wonderful
listener, you know?

In fact, that's the motto

on his very popular
radio show: "I listen."

Yes, Dad,
don't forget

my sign-off:
"Good-bye."

I actually listen to your show.

Really? Well, I'm
flattered. Thank you.

I think if I hadn't gone
into veterinary medicine,

it would have been psychology.

I guess I was always
just drawn to animals.

Yes, it is hard
not to love them.

MARTIN:
I just feel so responsible.

Maybe there was something
more I could have said,

something more I
could have done.

I keep playing it
over and over in my head.

I'll ask her out today, Dad.

So, Dr. Crane,
do you believe women have

an intuition about men?

Uh, intuition?

Well, like
they might know

when a man has
a little crush,

you know, by the way
he fidgets

or gets a look
in his eye or... Well...

(alarm ringing)

(alarm stops)

I only ask because
I'm getting that feeling

from your brother.
Really? Hmm.

He's all moony-eyed today.

There's someone
he's quite keen on.

Yes. Actually, I know who it is.

I called him on it yesterday
in the coffee shop.

He won't admit to it.

The problem is...

Yeah?

I've developed
a crush myself,

and it happens to be...

Frasier?

What ya doing?

Nothing. Come in. Come in.

So, Niles,
how are you?

Uh, well, the question is,

how are you?

I hear you've been
mooning around

like a lovesick schoolboy.

Who told you that?

Oh, let's just say

the birds around
here are chirping.

Anyway... are you
prepared to admit

that my little theory
yesterday was correct?

Are you talking
about Poppy? Yes.

The woman you so adamantly
denied having any attraction to.

I still do. She's loathsome.

Does it gall you so much
to admit I'm right?

But you're not right.

Oh. Well, then,
who is this person

you're so interested in?

You don't know her.
Uh-huh.

Tell me about her.
It's premature.

Oh, brother.

All right, fine.

If you must know,
the woman happens to be...

(knocking on door)
Hello?

Her-- my next-door neighbor.

Oh, what good timing she has.

Hi. Come on in.

I just wanted
to return this teacup.

Oh, well, you're
welcome anytime.

Uh... Regan Shaw,

this is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane.

Hello.
Hello.

Do you two know
each other?

Yes.
No.

Well...

I'll just go
get us all some coffee,

and you two can decide
if you know each other or not.

I'm so sorry,

Dr. Crane.

I was just
a little startled

seeing you
outside your office.

Uh, please, don't
even think about it.

Have a seat.

Uh... well,
so I gather

this is your
new building.

Yes. Right next door
to your brother,

who I just met.

Is that so strange?

Yes. Well,
remember,

I have a policy
of total confidentiality.

He never needs to know that
you've started seeing me.

Oh. Here it is.

What did you
find out?

Well, it sounded like
they've had a date or two.

He mentioned
having seen her.

Damn him.

Come to think of it,

he said something
in the elevator

about having a crush on someone.

I'll just have to confront him,
see if he's man enough

to admit that he's horned in
on my territory.

Well, excuse me,
Dr. Crane,

but didn't your brother
meet her first?

Oh, honestly, Daphne,
just try to keep up.

It's not that complicated.

Well, here we are.

Actually, I can't stay.

I've got
the cable man coming.

Oh. Could I take
a rain check?

Well, certainly.

Uh... would you like

to go out for
coffee sometime?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Great.

Bye.
Bye.

Bye.

So, I take it
you two do know each other.

Uh, we met briefly
at some event.

I see.

Changing the
subject completely,

Daphne just mentioned
that you happen to have

a little crush on
someone yourself.

(sighs):
Yes, I have.

Care to elaborate?

Actually, I will.

Unlike you, I don't mind
being candid.

The woman... is Poppy.

Poppy?

Uh, we had coffee yesterday
after you left.

Uh... you're not upset?

No, not at all.

Thank you
for your candor, Niles.

I'm sure that you and Poppy
will be very happy together.

(stifles laughter)

Are you laughing at me?

You think so little
of my chances?

FRASIER:
No, no, Niles.

I wish you and Poppy
the very best.

I don't need
this smug attitude of yours.

I fully intended
to discuss this amiably.

You refused,
so I'll just say good-bye.

Very well, thanks
for dropping by. Off you go.

Oh!

What kind of a fool
does he take me for?

He is obviously
pursuing Regan.

The man has the nerve
to say he's chasing Poppy!

Poppy?
Yes, as if anyone

could pursue
that insufferable air horn!

If it's deceit
and chicanery he's after,

I'll give him more
than he can handle.

Dr. Crane, before it
gets to that level,

wouldn't it make sense
for you two to just have

one open and honest
conversation?

Oh, honestly, Daphne,
how you manage

to oversimplify
absolutely everything!

These shoes
are killing me.

I can't wait
to sit down.

Well, you're not
going to sit there.

Why not? I'm expecting
someone for coffee.

Well, Niles is small.
We can share.

It is not Niles.

Would you stop
saying that?

It happens to
be a woman.

Well, I'll move
when she gets here.

By the way, I still have
four tickets left

for that charity ball
Friday night.

Oh, I'm sorry, Roz;
thanks anyway.

Oh, come on.

It's for a good cause.

They provide disaster relief.

Howdy, partners!

How soon can they get here?

Frasier, I was leaving
the booth,

and I saw this umbrella.

I think it belongs
to you.

FRASIER:
Yes.

It's my emergency umbrella.

I always leave it in the booth.

Don't feel bad.
I'm forgetful, too.

You know, I think
I'll just go...

see what's
keeping my latte.

Would you watch my table,
please, Roz?

Hello, Roz.

I noticed that
Poppy was here.

Did she mention where
she was headed?

No. But listen, Niles,

could I interest you
in a couple of tickets

for a charity ball this Friday?

It's a great event.

Is Frasier going?
No,

but do you have to go
to everything together?

I'll take two.

Uh, I'm in a hurry;
I'll send you a check.

Where is Niles in
such a rush off to?

I have no idea.

Last chance--
only two tickets left.

What? I thought
there were four.

Niles just bought a pair.

Damn him!

He's probably off to
intercept Regan right now.

Who?

I'm sorry, Roz.
I'm in a hurry.

I'll write you
a check for these.

Enjoy the table.

This is the best kind
of party.

We get to dress up,
have a wonderful time,

and it's all
for a good cause.

Well, it really is
an impressive organization.

I've heard that within 24 hours
of any worldwide disaster,

they can put together
a ball.

(giggles)

Oh, look, it's
your brother.

What?

NILES:
Oh. So it is.

Uh, why don't you find
our table,

and I'll get us
some champagne.

Okay.

Roz, you didn't tell me

Frasier was going
to be here.

Yeah, he bought
the last two tickets.

After he knew I'd
be here with Poppy.

Obviously, he wants to get a
shot at her himself.

He brought that woman
along as his beard.

Do you think Frasier's
interested in Poppy?

I shouldn't
be surprised

the subtle signs of
attraction are lost on you--

a woman to whom the
gunning of a Harley engine

is like a "come
hither" look.

Hello, Roz.
Hi.

I see that Niles has brought
himself a date for the evening.

Yep, and you'll never guess
what he thinks.

Oh, I know
exactly what he thinks.

He thinks by bringing Poppy
as his patsy,

he can steal a few minutes
with Regan,

try to win her for himself.

That's not
what he thinks. Roz!

He likes Poppy.
Oh... dear, simple Roz.

After six years
of listening at my feet,

have you learned nothing
of the dark forces

that move people?

Open your ears.

Are you looking
at your brother again?

Yes. I'm sorry.

It's just that he keeps
staring over here,

for God's sakes!

He hasn't paid
any attention

to his date
whatsoever!

Can you imagine how
that woman must feel?

Yeah. Women hate that.

He's doing it again.
What?

My brother is
staring at us,

obviously thinking

what a striking couple
we make.

In fact, let's give him
something to stare at.

Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry.

Same toe as before?

Yes, same toe
as before.

(chuckles)

What is going on
with you two tonight?

All right.

I suppose you're going
to find out

sooner or later anyway.

You see... I know
about you and Niles.

You do?

Yes, but it's all right.

I don't mind.

It's just that, well...

he's really quite
smitten with you.

(gasps)

Oh, my God. Really?

You think you're going
to lose the nail?

No, no. I just need
to sit for a minute.

(tango playing)

Oh, my gosh, I
love the tango!

You won't mind
if I dance one

with your brother?
What?

Well, actually,
Poppy, I...

Oh, come on.

Niles can keep
Regan company.

Ow!

Uh, you know...

Regan, I'm getting
a second wind.

Uh, shall we show
them how it's done?

Well, actually, Dr. Crane, I...

Oh, don't be so formal.

We're not doctor
and patient tonight.

Oops.

Your brother's
quite the romantic,

inviting me to a ball

on our very first date.

He certainly doesn't
waste time, does he?

No, he doesn't,
does he?

You do realize that I'm
interested in your brother.

You mean you're developing
real feelings for him?

Yeah.

Well, you may
think so now,

but trust me, your
future's not with him.

I know this
is confusing.

You'll see everything
more clearly

when I've got you
on the couch.

Oh.

Well, I can't take
any more of this.

All right, I
have to cut in.

See? How romantic.

Yes, come with me.

You should be ashamed
of yourself.

Your tango wasn't so
impressive, either.

I'm talking
about your behavior tonight.

You mean that I won't
simply stand aside

and let you have
the woman you want?

Exactly. Obviously,
one of us has to back off--

not just tonight,
but permanently.

Frasier, can I talk
to you a minute alone?

Of course.

Just give me one more moment
with my brother.

Niles, when you're
finished,

I'd love
one more dance.

Ah. I'll be right there.

Well, I believe
she has made her choice.

Yes, I believe she has.

Uh...

Frasier, I think
I'd like to leave,

if that's all right.

Leave? Already?

Well, couldn't we just
have one last dance?

Well, I guess.

I'm just feeling
a little uncomfortable.

Yes, I certainly don't
blame you for that,

but you see,
now that I've spoken with him,

Niles has agreed
to behave himself.

Now I can... put all
my attention on you.

Oh...

That is a relief.

I mean, you
can understand

how I was a kind of
freaked out by all that.

Right?

Frasier.

FRASIER: He's a brave
little soldier, isn't he?

Awash in despair,
and yet he dances.

This is when
they wrote songs

that were really
about something--

true love...
broken hearts...

Yes, there's nothing
quite so poignant

as someone with
a broken heart

pretending
that it isn't.

No wonder he keeps
staring over at us.

He's suffered such
a crushing defeat tonight.

Can we go?

Well... yes, of
course, that's...

that's the best
thing to do.

No... let me just have
one last word with him.

Oh, my God.

Niles, if you don't mind.

You guys are going
to wear me out.

Could I see you
at the bar, please?

I think I'm going
to catch a cab.

Aren't you having
a good time?

Frankly, no. Are you?

Well, yes. I think Niles has got
quite a little crush on me.

But, actually, Poppy,
there's something

you should know
about Niles.

Niles, I just want
you to know that I...

I'm not happy
with the way

things have ended
this evening.

Well, neither am I.
How could I be?

And the worst thing is,
it's not just tonight.

What happens when we keep
running into each other?

Yes.

The victor will have his trophy.

The loser will be empty-handed.

Hardly seems worth it,
given the permanent damage

this could do
to our relationship.

Yes, I can't
help but wonder

if perhaps we're being
a bit shortsighted.

Niles, is that Regan

and Poppy leaving
just now?

It was, wasn't it?

I want you to go after her.

What?

Yes. I won't stand
in your way.

No. Frasier,
I would feel better

if you went after her.

No. No, I couldn't
do that to you.

(sighs)

I think we're both feeling
the same thing.

I know we are...
you noble bastard.

Right back at you.

Oh, it's for the best.

After all, the most important
thing is our friendship.

I think that's worth
drinking to.

Two bourbons.

You know, while
we're at it,

let's propose a toast

to one pretty
remarkable woman.

Well, she'd have to be

to have won
both of our hearts.

Hear, hear.

Well, then...

To Poppy.
To Regan.

I think we're going
to need two more here.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, everybody!