Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 4 - Everyone's a Critic - full transcript

Until tomorrow, then,

this is Dr. Frasier Crane

wishing you...

Hmm?

Oh, yes.

Be sure to tune in later
for the final broadcast

of KACL's lovable curmudgeon,
Chester Ludgate.

You know, most of us
here at the station

were surprised to hear
that he was retiring.

I, for one,
thought he'd never leave.

(sighs)



So, should we
order a pizza?

Hmm? Sorry?

Those PSAs
you promised you'd help me with

are due tomorrow.

Oh, gosh, Roz,
I really am sorry.

You know, it seems
Mrs. Delafield's daughter

is coming here
to join us as an intern.

I promised Kenny I'd show her
around and take her to dinner.

Oh, so while I'm working late,

eating my vending machine
dinner,

you'll be out having a gourmet
meal with some cute, rich girl?

Oh, you can make anything
sound unfair.

Hey, Doc.

Kenny.



And whom have we here?

Dr. Frasier Crane,

I'd like you to meet
Miss Poppy Delafield.

Well, got to run.

Poppy.

What a pleasure

to meet the daughter
of our beloved

station owner.

Well... so,

what brings you to KACL, hmm?

Well...

I was in Paris last month--

or was it Madrid? No. Paris--
and I said to myself

"that's enough gallivanting
for you, young lady.

"It's time you get a job."

So, I flew home
and asked my mother, Mummy,

if I could nose around
and see if some job, you know,

spoke to me at one
of her TV stations

or radio stations
or newspapers

but not her brewery--
thank you very much!

So, here I am.

Uh-huh.

Sleeves rolled up,
ready to learn.

Well, good for you.

Is this where
you do your show?!

Yes, it is...
Of course it is.

There's your mike
right in front of me.

Earth to Poppy!

Oh, there's Gil.

I met him earlier.

Hi, Gil!

Hey...
Um...

Nice man.

I think it's marvelous
what you do--

to really help people,

unlike the psychiatrists
I've been to,

both of whom had some sort of--
I don't know-- narcolepsy.

I sympathize.

But if you can't stay awake,
don't be a psychiatrist!

But to do what you do,

to face that microphone
day after day

and know that
for the next three hours

you're going to have
to talk and talk and talk...

I could not do it!

I would freeze!

Literally freeze!

(phone ringing)
I mean...

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes.

Yes, Dad.

All right, all right,
calm down, calm down.

Was there much blood?

Oh, my gosh!

All right, Dad,
I'll be there

as soon as I can.
Hang on a second.

I'm terribly sorry. There's a
small emergency at home.

I'm going to have
to pass on dinner.

May I take a rain check?

Oh, and we were having
such a nice chat.

Yes, well, I...

Oh, this is Roz Doyle,
my producer.

You know, Roz, I'll gladly
do those promos

if you would be so kind
as to take Poppy to dinner

and answer her questions.

Sure! If you
don't get bored

listening to me
drone on about radio.

Oh, I don't think
there's much chance of that.

Eddie, come on, get in here.

What the hell's happening?

Well...

remember last week
when Eddie killed his first rat

how proud I was?
I told you that story, right?

Yes, Dad,
you told us.

If you'd had a guitar,
you'd have written a ballad.

Well, we were just

down in the basement,
and I saw another rat.

I said, "Go get him, boy."

So, just as he picked him up,
had him in his teeth,

shaking the life out of him,

I hear this little bell
tinkling.

And I thought,
"Well, that's funny.

Rats don't wear bells."

Oh, my God, little Robbie
Greenberg's missing hamster.

Yes, I read that flyer.

He was offering
a ten-dollar reward.

Well, the most we can claim
at this point is about $6.50.

Oh, my! You know what?

Dad, this is actually
your fault, you know.

If you hadn't encouraged him
after he killed his first rat,

he wouldn't have moved on
to murdering hamsters.

Well, what are you
talking about?

We don't know
it was Eddie who killed him.

He might have
had a heart attack

or-or some kind
of seizure

when he bounced off
the boiler.

(doorbells rings)
(groans)

Niles.

Prepare to whoop
like a sweepstakes winner.

Cancel our dinner.

I've scored us two seats,
front row,

for the event of the season.

You mean...?
Yes! But...

I know.
Niles!

I love it
when they do it this way.

I can pretend
it's a Seahawks game.

My God! No, Dad!

It's for
the Cecilia Bartoli concert.

My God, it's been sold out
for months!

How on earth did you ever score
these tickets?

I simply phoned
the box office

and said, "This
is Niles Crane,

the new arts critic
for The Monocle."

(Frasier gasping)

DAPHNE:
The Monocle?

Isn't that that magazine
they hand out to rich people

in all the snootiest
apartment buildings?

And the snootiest
hotels.

How did this happen, Niles?

I was at a party thrown
by the publisher,

Olga Swarbreck.
Mm-hmm, yes.

The pretentious fop

who had the job before me
was there, too,

spouting sheer drivel
about Leonard Bernstein.

Being polite,
I kept my tongue sheathed,

until he referred to Bernstein's
conducting as "overrated."

I assume you pounced!

Like a ninja!

By the time I'd finished
with him, Olga could see

I was a far better critic
than that arrogant poseur.

She fired him right there?

Well, he was leaving anyway

for his junior year abroad.

Well, I suppose

that congratulations
are in order.

You know,
who would have thought,

my little brother,
a professional music critic.

Oh, oh, and
not just music.

I can review anything I want:
Theater, dance, art exhibits.

You don't say?
Yes. From now on

wherever we go,
I'll be armed

with my trusty pad
and pen light.

Wherever we go.

What fun!

(chuckling):
Yes.

I have to take a damp cloth
to these opera glasses--

although I don't know
what we use them for

sitting in the front row.

Unless it's to scan the faces
of the jealous people behind us.

So... are
you, uh, sure

you're okay with Niles
getting this critic job?

Why wouldn't I be, Dad?

Oh, come on, I know
what it's like with you two

when one of you gets something
that the other one doesn't have.

It's just like
when you were kids.

Niles had a telescope,

you had to have
a telescope.

You got that
funny-looking guitar,

Niles had...
Dad, it was called a lute.

Yeah, oh, yeah. Okay.

Dad, believe me, I do not envy
Niles his critic's job.

But as kids, we would
aggravate the situation

by flaunting our toys
in each other's faces.

We're much more mature
than that now. All right?

Niles, you know what?

It's about time we got going.

We don't want to be late
for the curtain.

Don't be silly.
I'm press now.

They'll hold it.

POPPY:
So, that's how it ends.

B-minus average,
ten extra pounds

and still no boyfriend!

I see Poppy's having
a little party.

That is not a party.

That's a hostage situation.

Thank God
today is her last day.

You know, this morning

she cornered me
by the coffee machine

and told me
her whole life story.

I just wanted
to grab her by the throat

and say, "What am I,
your biographer?

Shut up!"

GIL:
Dear God!

I thought I'd never break free.

I feel like a mongoose
at the mercy of a chatty cobra.

Oh! Hello, all.

I... oh, I see you
already have the Times.

I'm quoted there today.

In the Times?

Yes. Here, it's in this ad
for Shaw's Saint Joan.

"Incandescent.

Niles Crane, The Monocle."

ROZ:
Wow!

Excuse me while I go tell

all my friends I know you.

(chuckling)

Oh...

(yawning)

Forgive me.

Hmm.

Olga and I
were up till all hours

at a party for
the Royal Shakespeare Company.

I'm rubbing some pretty
impressive shoulders these days.

And to think, it's all
because I have a small column.

That would certainly be
the Freudian interpretation.

If I were to review
that attitude,

I'd say it was a chilling
portrait of malice and envy.

Oh, Niles,
I'm not the least bit envious

that you get to spout off
in that glorified cat box liner.

You just can't stand it that my
opinion means more than yours--

that the arts community
looks to me

for my insight, my approval,
my thumbs up.

I think we both know
what your thumb's up these days.

That's a good one, Frasier.

Perhaps you should use it
in your column.

Oh, that's right,
you don't have one!

That smug jackass!

Frasier, you have
a radio show.

If you wanted to say what
you thought of a play,

who's stopping you?

It's not the same thing
as being a real critic, Roz.

You don't get free tickets.

You don't get quoted.

Forget hobnobbing.

My God,
this competition

between you and your
brother is sick.

Your obsessive one-upmanship.

You're both going to end up

bitter, old cranks
like Chester Ludgate.

You do raise a good point,
Roz. Thank you.

Chester's time slot
is free.

I could do
my own arts show.

Yes. Kenny, Kenny.

Listen, Roz just had
the most wonderful idea.

Yeah, Doc?

What do you say
about yours truly

hosting a...
a bouncy little show

about the arts in Seattle?

Culture...

Wow.

Oh, it-it's a great idea.

Let me chew on that, and I'll,
uh, I'll get back to you.

Great! You see, Roz?

He loved your idea.

That was not
my idea.

It was, too, your idea.

It was not...
Doc?

I feel kind of bad
about what I just did.

I, uh, I let you think
that there was a chance

that I might let you
do this culture show

and, uh, there's not.

No chance at all?

No.

Oh.

I mean,

come on, Doc.

You, culture, opera.

Who's listening?

(chuckling)

Not me!

Damn! I think

my show's a good idea.

Kenny's the station
manager, and he doesn't.

Yes, you know, frankly,
I didn't like his attitude.

He acts like he owns
the station, but he doesn't.

Someone else does.

Poppy!

The next best thing.

Her mother!

No. Poppy!
Oh, right.

Hi, Frasier!

Hello, Poppy.

Gosh, would you care to join me?

Oh, I can't.
Mummy's taking me shopping.

She spoils me
something horrible.

I guess
it's an only-child thing.

Anything I want,
I just have to ask.

Anything you want?

Oh, well,
isn't that interesting.

You know, Poppy, perhaps, um,
we could, uh,

join each other for lunch
after your shopping spree.

I'd love it!

Would you really?
It seems a shame

you leaving the station

and us never having really
gotten to know one another.

Oh, it hasn't been easy--

I mean, with your having those
dental appointments every day.

Oh, yes.

Well, you know,
let me walk you out.

I should get
the name of your dentist.

I can't find one I like.

They're always giving me
Novocain when I don't need it

and then it's hours
before I can talk again.

Oh, yes, well...
I could give you his number

although I'm not sure
he'd be any different.

(symphonic music ending)

Divine Beethoven.

It's extraordinary, isn't it?

Ah, yes.

And you know what makes it
even more amazing?

What?

He was deaf!

Daphne, uh...
more pate, please.

Poppy, I-I can't tell
you how wonderful it is

to meet someone who shares
my passion for the arts.

It's a rare thing to find
in Seattle,

believe me.
Is it?

Oh, yes, sadly.

If only more people
were better informed

about our city's
rich cultural treasures.

Ah... but what can we,
as mere radio folk, do?

Well...

What about...
a radio show

all about the arts
in Seattle?

Oh, my God, Poppy,
that's a wonderful idea!

How do you do it?

You just pull these things
out of the air.

Oh, heavens.

Of course, we'll have to find
ourselves a proper host.

But who?

Well, someone very smart...

Oh, indeed.
And cultured...

Bien sur.

And with a lovely
speaking voice.

Oh, I don't think
we need to look too far.

Here you go.

It's very rich

so don't spread it on too thick.

Frasier,

I'm so glad
you're on board with this.

You know, my only concern is,
will Kenny go for it?

You see,
he's a bit of a philistine.

It might be better

if the suggestion came
not actually from us

but from... someone else.

Who?

Well, someone with...

more authority, power...
influence.

Someone older.

A woman, perhaps.

Your mother.

He means your mother.

Oh...

Great idea!
I'll call her.

Oh, here, here, use mine.

(laughing):
Oh... thank you.

Hello, Mummy?

I'm with Frasier Crane,

and we think there should be
an arts show on KACL.

But I really like this idea.

So you'll call Kenny

and tell him
you want this, okay?

Love you, too.

Okay, bye.

And the first show
should be...?

Why don't we
start tomorrow?

But we'll need something
to review. (gasps)

That revival of A Streetcar
Named Desire opens tonight.

Splendid! Let's
go together.

All right... I'll see
you at the theater.

(both laughing)

Oh, Poppy...

(baby talk):
Hewwo, widdle Eddie!

Did you have
a good walk?!

Actually, we've just been
to the vet's.

I had the cutest little
dog when I was young

named Mr. Oops.

Every time we took him
to the vet, he...

You took Eddie
to the vet?

Is he sick?
MARTIN: No.

Turns out
the building security camera

caught Eddie taking out
Robbie Greenberg's hamster.

So... this
Greenberg kid's

trying to make Eddie out
to be some kind of pit bull.

He's organizing some petition

to get him banned
from the building.

Oh, Dad, that's terrible.

Yeah, it is.

So, uh, I don't know.

I just wanted
everybody to see

what a nice, calm,
friendly dog Eddie was.

So why'd you take him
to the vet?

Tranquilizers.

They don't even
work anyway.

I gave Eddie one of those
pills on the ride home.

They didn't do
a thing to him.

I don't know.

I think maybe he
needs something else.

Uh, Mr. Crane...

(doorbell rings)
Looks like all he needs

is a lava lamp
and some sitar music.

Niles!

Well, uh, I'm glad to see
you're in a better mood.

I-I was... hoping you'd lend me

your Tennessee
Williams biography.

I have to review that revival
of Streetcar tonight,

and I wanted to throw in
some background stuff.

Well,
I'm sorry, Niles.

You know, normally I would,
except that I'm going

to be needing it myself
for my own review.

Oh. Well, in that
case, I'll...

Wha...?

What?

Oh, that's right--
you wouldn't have heard.

You see, starting tomorrow,

I'll be doing my own
little arts show on KACL,

twice weekly.

You envious reptile.

Pate?

I achieve one thing,
one tiny distinction

you don't have,
and what do you do?

You run whining to Kenny
for extra air time.

I did no such thing.

No. He went to that
Poppy woman instead.

Poppy?

Is this a panel discussion?

You loathe Poppy.
I do not.

I think she's delightful.
Isn't she?

She's an idiot.

You conniving copycat.

You have to have
whatever I have.

I do not have
what you have.

My audience is twice
as large as yours is.

Oh, well, at least
my audience can read.

How dare you
review my audience!

NILES: I'll review
whatever I want!

I've never seen him
like this--

eyes bulging,
tongue lolling out...

Oh, he always
gets that way

when he fights with Niles.

Good morning, Roz.
Oh, hi.

(chuckling)

You ready for our debut?

Listen, I'm thinking
of calling the show

"Frasier Crane's Aisle Say"

but with the "I'll"
spelled like a theater "aisle."

That should work real well
on radio.

You better watch
out for Kenny.

I hear he's
pretty mad at you

for going over his head.

Oh, he can't be mad at me.

The whole thing
was Poppy's idea.

Oh. Here she is now,
come to wish me luck.

(chuckling)

Poppy. I was afraid
I wouldn't get here on time.

Oh, here, here.

We've got a few minutes
before the show starts.

Take a seat.

Catch your breath.

Oh, gosh,

I'm really glad you made it.

It wouldn't be
a proper debut without you.

Wow. All these buttons.

How do you do it?

Oh, it's not that
complicated, really.

You know, I turn on
the mike here,

these are my call buttons

and, uh... oh,
I push this button here

if I want to cough.

How does it make you cough?

You know, Poppy,
I hate to rush you,

but we've just got a couple
of minutes before the show, so...

Whoo! I'd better
get a move on.

(laughing)

Poppy, what are you doing?

Getting ready for my show.

One minute.

Your show?

Well, okay, our show.

After all, it was your idea
for me to do it.

Everyone!

Everyone, come
in here, please.

Before I begin my new show,

I just want to
say a few words.

Yesterday,
I was ready to leave KACL

to run away, as I have from
so many other challenges.

It was the support of one man--

Frasier Crane--

that helped me
overcome the shyness

many of you
may have observed in me

and to follow my dreams.

Oh, God... I want to cry.

We all do.

ROZ:
Ten seconds!

(Poppy yells)

How could you
do this to us?

I had no idea she
intended to stay.

That's not
what her mother told me.

And I thought I'd seen
some cruel pranks in the army.

I assure you, she is
way out of her depth here.

Any moment she'll realize
she's in over head,

and she'll be begging me
to take over for her.

"A Streetcar Named Desire

"is a very powerful
Broadway play.

"It was made into a movie
starring Marlon Brando.

"This gave the play

"a very personal
relevance for me

"as I once sat
next to Mr. Brando

"on the Concorde,
and we had a very lovely chat

until a sudden cramp
forced him to change seats."

"Streetcar...

"tells the tragic
tale of Blanche DuBois

(with Southern accent):
"who's a very genteel

"very proper
Southern lady...

(deep voice):
or is she?"

Go ahead, Niles.
I know you were listening.

Well...

I wish you'd lent her your
Tennessee Williams biography.

She wouldn't have kept
forgetting his name

and calling him Indiana Jones.

If it's any consolation,
I got fired from The Monocle.

Oh, Niles, I'm sorry.

Mm.

I panned a wretched musical

not realizing the lead was
the person who does Olga's hair.

She fired you
just to placate her hairdresser?

Electrolysist.

And if you'd ever

seen her in a sundress,
you'd forgive her as I have.

Oh, I am sorry, Niles.

Gosh, it's such
a shame, really.

You know, I know how much
you loved that job

and to lose it in such
an unceremonious fashion.

Well, you know...

I was thinking
of quitting that job anyway.

Oh?
Mm-hmm.

I felt I was
spreading myself too thin.

Getting distracted
from my real work.

I had the exact same thought.

Even as I was preparing my show,
I thought,

"Am I being fair
to my regular listeners?"

They do depend on you.

As do your patients.
Thank you.

Gosh, you know,
is it any wonder

we find ourselves
ex-critics?

We were meant
to lose those jobs.

It's as if
the Gods of psychiatry,

jealous of our dalliance,

have quietly stepped in
and put things right.

Well put.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

You know, Niles,
if you're feeling a bit hungry,

we could catch an early dinner
and then...

Oh, oh, and then catch
the new Stoppard play. Splendid!

You know,
it's just a shame

my listeners never got to hear
my review of Streetcar.

Oh, insightful,
was it? Groundbreaking.

Mm, as was mine.

Yes, well, it takes
a psychiatrist

to interpret that play.

Mm-hmm. Indeed.
All right, you go first.

All right.
Go.

"A descent into madness
proves well worth the trip

in this incandescent revival
of A Streetcar Named Desire."

Just a moment, Niles.
Incandescent--

isn't that the same tired word

you used
for that Saint Joan review?

For God's sake...

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Thank you!