Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 3 - Radio Wars - full transcript

(phone ringing)

(Frasier mumbles)

Hello?

MAN:
Dr. Crane?

Yes. Who's this?

Dr. Kaufman.

Bob Kaufman of the National
Psychotherapy Institute.

Oh, my gosh, it's 6:15
in the morning your time.

I hope I didn't wake you.

No, no, no, I was up.

Uh...



Where did you say
you're calling from?

The National
Psychotherapy Institute

in Saddle River,
New Jersey?

Oh, yes, of course.

Uh... what can I do for you?

Oh, for Pete's sake,
no one called you?

You've won our Radio Therapist
of the Year Award.

Congratulations.

Well, thank you.

Uh... of course,
the work itself is honor enough.

Thank you,
and I'm sorry about the mix-up.

Problem is, we're going
to need some pictures of you

so we can get started
on the statue.

"Statue"?



For our Hall of Thinkers?

Angie, he never got the packet.

Uh, is there anything I can do?

Well, it's a little late now

but, uh, maybe if you
described your body

we could get started on
the preliminary carving.

The sculptor's
right here.

Fortunately, we got
the Gustav Brumholt.

Oh, my.

(German accent):
Ja, ja, Dr. Crane, please, ja?

Yes, yes,
this is Dr. Crane speaking.

Uh, Herr Brumholt, may I say
it's, uh, quite an honor.

Ja, ja, ja.

Uh, we have your face--
very handsome--

but I need you
to describe your body.

Yes, of course.

Uh, six foot one...

um... medium build...

broad shoulders...

sublimely proportioned.

That's good, ja,
but before I order my marble

I need you
to describe your, um--

how do I say this, ja, hmm--

your where you sit, ja?

Oh, my posterior.

Yes, well, that is
a little sensitive, isn't it?

Oh, you don't want to tell me?

I understand.

It's a big one?

No, no, no, no,
I didn't say that.

Angie, order the big marble,
please, ja.

No, no, no, um, could you
please put Dr. Kaufman back on?

No, I have better idea.

Why don't you send us a picture

(losing accent):
of your immense hind quarters

and send it in
to KACL's new morning team...

BOTH:
Carlos and The Chicken!

(clucking)

Dr. Kaufman?

Angie?

Morning.

Good morning,
Dr. Crane.

You won't believe
what just happened to me.

I was the victim
of a radio prank.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yes.

It's a sad day
when getting a man

to describe his own behind
passes as humor.

(laughing)

You heard the whole thing,
didn't you?

Ja.

Oh...

I'm sorry, Dr. Crane,
but they can be funny.

Oh, that's all right, Daphne.

Carlos and The Chicken
are the sort of performers

who keep popping up
on the radio these days--

so-called "humorists"
who rely on cruel pranks

and scatological references.

Well, I suppose
that's the sort of thing

that passes for entertainment
these days.

You know, perhaps it's
just a generational thing.

Man, they got you good!

The Chicken was on fire!

What a great bit.

Yeah, I think it'll be
bit of the day.

For God sakes,
I'm going back to bed.

Oh, hey, hey, Fras,
wait a minute.

Uh, do you think you can
get me a tape of the show?

What on earth for?

How often do you get

to hear your son
on the radio?

I'm on the radio every day!

Thank you very much.

Hello, Roz.

I suppose you've heard

about my unscheduled
appearance

on KACL's new
morning show today?

No. What happened?

Well, less said
about it, the better.

Come on, Frasier,
why don't you pull up

a couple of chairs
and tell me about it?

Was everyone
in Seattle listening

at 6:00 in the morning?

Did they do it at 6:00?

I heard the replay at 8:00.

I heard it at 9:15.

Congratulations,
you were bit of the day.

Oh, Lord.

I thought the entire thing
was rude and childish.

Well, you're just mad
because you fell for it.

Come on, Frasier--

"Hall of Thinkers"?

Well...

it's not such abadidea.

In a society where we glorify
our athletes and rock musicians,

I think maybe we should...

Well, it was early.

Sorry.

Oh, hey, look, that's them
over there with Kenny.

Wow, The Chicken's
a lot cuter

than on his billboards.

Of course, he's not squatting
in a feather suit

trying to hatch Carlos's head.

You know, I think I
might just go over there

and introduce myself.

I don't know
what you're thinking, but don't.

I'm going to go over
there and let them know

that what they did today was
completely unacceptable.

Frasier,
I know guys like this.

Once they know
they can rattle you,

they never stop.

Just take your lumps
and laugh it off.

Roz, I'm perfectly capable
of laughing it off.

I just want to let them know
that I do not appreciate

being made the punch line
at my own station.

I'm going to go
over and tell them

that from now on,
I don't want

to be part of
their shenanigans.

Oh, God, please don't say
"shenanigans."

Hello, Kenny.

Oh.

I believe introductions
are in order.

Oh, uh, right, uh,
Dr. Frasier Crane,

this is The Chicken
and Carlos.

Uh, uh...
What?

We're actually called
Carlos and The Chicken.

Yes, well,
nice to meet you, boys.

Uh, about this morning...

KENNY::
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't want to see
any feathers flying, here.

(laughing)

Just kidding.

Dr. Crane, I hope we
didn't go too far.

We love your show.

Really?

You're listeners?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
we're big fans.

You know, the last
thing we want to do

is step on your toes.

Well, you know,
you do tread a fine line

with your style of comedy,

but, uh,
perhaps you can be excused

for stomping on it
rather exuberantly

on your first day.

Just keep in mind
in the future

that this station does have
a certain pecking order.

(laughing)

We totally get it,
Dr. Crane.

I-it felt wrong
when we did it.

Oh, well...
CHICKEN: It sure did.

You sure you're not
upset or anything?

Oh, no, no, no.

No harm, no fowl.

(all laughing)

Hey, it was great
meeting you, Dr. Crane.

Likewise, boys.

Hey, listen,
call me Frasier,

but... don't call me at home.

Dr. Crane,
we're listening.

(laughing)

Well...

Is it over?

I couldn't look.

For God's sake, Roz,
have a little faith in me.

After all, I do reason
with people for a living.

It's all settled.

You know, they're...
they're good kids, really.

(chuckles)

Quite sensible, actually.

Yeah... if you go for oversexed,
beer-belching, frat-boy types,

which I do.

Was The Chicken wearing
a wedding ring?

You know, I really did
overreact this morning, I think.

After all, it was sort
of cute, I suppose.

(chuckling)

"Hall of Thinkers."

(laughing)

Never let it be said
that Frasier Crane is

the kind of man
who's incapable

of laughing at himself.

These are for you.

Oh.

(laughing):
Yes, I see.

Some patron has sent
me some... sticky buns.

(laughing)

That's very funny.

Very funny,
indeed, yes.

You ordered those, sir.

Oh, so I did.

Thank you.

(doorbell rings)

No kidding?

He's flying you to Vegas
for the fight?

That's a great son
you got there, Duke.

Good morning,
Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne...

Dad.

Frasier, I thought you might
like to join me.

I'm going down to Abigail's

to have
my crepe pans reseasoned.

Gosh, I'd love to, Niles,

but I've just drawn myself
a nice herbal bath.

Uh, no, no, it's just Daphne.

She's watching PBS.

Okay, I'll talk
to you later, Duke.

Does the whole world
have to know

what goes on in this house?

Help yourself to
some coffee, Niles.

Thank you.

Dr. Crane,
how do you know it's time

to have your crepe
pans seasoned, anyway?

It can be confusing,
but this may help.

"Saucepans in summer,
crepe pans in fall,

when winter's upon us,
there's food for us all."

(phone ringing)

Whoever it is, I am not home.

I am not here.

Hello?

Yeah, is Dr. Crane there?

Uh, no, actually,
he's taking a bath.

Who's this?

This is his brother, Niles.

Oh, okay, well, see,

this is
the building superintendent.

I'm in the bathroom
just below his,

and I think the pipes
are getting corroded.

Is your brother putting
anything unusual in his bath?

I'm not exactly sure
what he puts in his bath.

Uh, better let me ask him.

I smell a bit.

Put the radio on.

♪ I'm in the mood
for love... ♪

Frasier...

♪ Simply because
you're near me... ♪

Frasier...

What do you put
in your bathwater?

You know very well
it's a proprietary blend, Niles.

No, no, no, it's your super.

There's something corroding
the pipes

in the unit below you.

He thinks it may be something

in your tub.

Hello?

Yes, I'm sure it's,
uh, not my fault,

but if you insist...
I use, uh...

(door closes)

...jasmine, lavender, rose hips
and a little Tahitian vanilla.

Yeah, well, that sounds okay.

Boy, with a bath like that,

I bet the ladies sure go
for you, though, huh?

(chuckling):
Yes, well...

love does enter
through the nose.

Hey, you know, the neighbors
down here have been complaining

about a little
sound bleed-through.

I think we got
a bad tile.

I sure would like to check it.

I heard you singing
through the phone earlier.

You think you could,
I don't know, do it again?

Uh, all right.

Um...

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ Simply because
you're near me... ♪

Yeah, that's great.

I definitely heard
some bleed-through.

You know,
I could isolate the tile

if you could
just walk around

a little bit
while you sang.

Or maybe if you could
stomp around, that'd be great.

"Stomp around"?

If it's too much trouble,

I could send my assistant,
Jimmy, up to stomp around.

Oh, well, no, no, no, no,
please, that's just fine.

You leave Jimmy
right where he is.

I certainly don't need
an audience

while I'm singing
in the bathtub.

Yeah, well, I appreciate this.

We'll get this all cleared up
in a jiffy, okay?

Thanks a lot,
Dr. Crane.

Just, uh, give me a second.

I'll tell you when I'm ready.

All right.

I'm ready.

Here goes.

♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪

♪ Simply because
you're near me ♪

♪ Funny but ♪

(over radio):
♪ When you're near me ♪

♪ I'm in the mood ♪

♪ For love... ♪

Oh, my God!

The whole ceiling's
falling down!

Oh, good Lord!
Oh, good Lord!

Niles, Niles,
be careful.

The whole ceiling's
caving in.

Hey, listen, I think we found
out what the problem is.

It's that humongous ass
of yours!

Listeners, Carlos
and The Chicken

are offering $1,000
for the best picture

of Frasier Crane's humongous ass
for our Web site.

♪ Frasier Crane's
humongous ass contest... ♪

(music playing over phone)

♪ Frasier Crane's
humongous ass contest... ♪

Oh, dear God!

Now, now,
don't worry.

It won't get you down for long.

You've always had
a thick skin...

unless that Tahitian vanilla
softened you up a bit.

Get out!

Leave me alone!

For God's sake,
have some respect!

Was that Mrs. Kurtzman?

She dropped her medication
in the hallway.

As I stooped to pick it up,
out came her camera

like an assassin's blade.

Well, if she wants
to control those blood clots

she'll cough up that film.

You're really getting riled up.

I certainly am.

Well, come on.
They're just pranks, you know?

Back on the force,

we used to do stuff
like this all the time.

We'd fill a guy's hat
with shaving cream

or nail his shoes
to the floor.

Sometimes we'd get a guy
dead drunk and then leave him

in a drawer in the morgue.

(doorbell rings)

You know, Dad,

I might have been able
to laugh it off

if all of Seattle hadn't started
stalking me with cameras.

Quickly, Niles, inside!
Come on!

Why didn't you hold
the elevator?

Didn't you hear me shouting?

That was you?

I'm sorry, Niles.

I was afraid you were trying
to get a picture of my butt.

How exciting to be present
at the birth of a new phobia.

I'm talking about Carlos
and The Chicken.

Oh, yes, their
little contest.

I can't believe anyone's
taking that seriously.

Well, they won't be
for much longer.

I've decided it's
time to fight back.

I was up till all
hours last night

crafting my response
to those two idiots.

I believe I
have arrived

at a masterful
rebuttal.

I'm not sure you want
to call it your rebuttal.

Oh, I see your
Bartlett's is out.

You're not pulling
any punches.

Hardly.

I go in swinging
with La Rochefoucauld.

"If we had no faults
of our own

"we would not take
so much pleasure

in noticing those of others."

Ouch!

Mm-hmm.

Just as I've got
them reeling,

I go in with a jab
of Dorothy Parker:

"Wit has truth in it;

wisecracking is merely
calisthenics with words."

Pow!

Just as they're
bloodied

and against the ropes,
I go in for the kill

with Twain, Wilde, Twain,
Twain, Mencken!

It's not a fight,
it's an execution!

You know, Frasier,

you go and read that
on the air,

you're going to set
yourself up

for a year
of abuse.

You know, this kind of
thing is probably why

those guys started
picking on you

in the first place.

All right, fine, Dad,
what exactly are you saying?

That I somehow managed to bring
this misery on myself?

No, I'm not saying that.
I'm just...

have you ever wondered
why these bullies have

always kind of zeroed in
on you two?

No, we don't wonder why.

We know the reason.

Jealousy.
Jealousy.

Okay, there's a little bit
of that, too

but, you know, you kind of give
people the impression

that you're above them.

Pishtosh.

Poppycock.

Morning, Daphne.

Oh, Daphne, tell me,

do you think we're snobby,
superior and condescending?

That's it.

I'm getting me door
soundproofed.

MARTIN:
You see what I mean?

People think you're stuffy,
you know,

with your opera parties
and your wine parties

and your seasoned crepe pans.

In my defense,
Niles is the only one

who has ever seasoned
his crepe pans.

Which is precisely why
I've had the same set

since the ninth grade,
thank you very much.

My point is, you guys could
never resist putting on airs.

Even when you were
in junior high,

you used to love that TV
program, The Avengers.

Used to run all over
the neighborhood

pretending you were that guy
with the umbrella, Steve.

Steed.

Dad...
Oh, God.

FRASIER:
There were worse role models.

Steed was dapper
and witty.

When anyone tried
to give him grief,

he gave them a sound
thrashing with his umbrella.

Great. That's fine.
Admire him if you want,

but did you have to run
through the neighborhood

in bowler hats?

You were just begging
to get beat up.

Come to think of it,

it was rather a rough summer
that year, wasn't it?

I remember getting
a chin strap

so the bowler wouldn't fall off
when I ran.

And all that did was make you

look like Elizabeth Taylor
in National Velvet.

But, look,

my point is,

you go down to the station
and read that over the air,

then you might as
well go down there

in a great big bowler hat.

Those people are never going
to let you forget it.

It's funny hearing you
talk about The Avengers.

My first Halloween in America,

I went to a party
dressed as Mrs. Peel.

Head to toe

in that skintight black
leather cat suit.

Come to think of it,

I still have
it somewhere

and Halloween's coming up.

Cat suit.

Better not let this guy
hear you talk about that

or he'll go nuts.

I would not...

...be surprised
if he did.

(chuckles)

(phone rings)

FRASIER:
Excuse me.

Hello.

All right, Roz, yes.

Just calm down.

No, no, I'm not listening.
Hang on a second.

FRASIER (on radio): Roz...
(erotic moaning)

Oh, dear God.

CARLOS: I think we're going
to have to throw

a bucket of water on these two.

CHICKEN: Roz and Frasier
stop by for a quick hello.

Next thing you know,
they're getting it on

right in the booth!

FRASIER:
Roz!

ROZ:
Frasier.

Roz.

Frasier.

Do we have time to squeeze
in one more?

Plenty of time, Frasier.

Two more minutes.

For a man carrying around
a good 50 extra pounds of ass,

Frasier Crane has got
unbelievable stamina.

Frasier, where do you get
your energy?

FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips,
and a little Tahitian vanilla.

CARLOS:
Oh, my God!

They're changing
positions.

I've never seen
that one before.

FRASIER: Love does enter
through the nose.

(erotic moaning continues)

FRASIER:
I'll call you back, Roz.

I'm going down there.

MARTIN:
Frasier!

Dad, don't try to talk
me out of this.

I'm going to teach
those two a lesson

they'll not soon forget.

Where's my umbrella?

Oh, no, not that again!

Not the umbrella!
I'm begging you!

It's raining!

No! No! Stop!

Roz, what are you
doing here?

I'm getting revenge,
that's what.

These guys are going down!

Stop it.
Stop it, Roz.

Did you hear
the disgusting,

vile things they
said about me?

Just the part
about us having sex.

Exactly!

Not only that.

They've got a photo
contest about me now, too.

Roz, a thousand dollars
for a shot of your behind?

I'm sorry, Roz.

No, it's 50 bucks
and a six pack.

And there were
seven winners

before I even
left the house!

I'm sorry.

Frasier, what
should we do?

Could we slash
their tires?

Could we crack
their windshields?

I was thinking
of a more direct approach.

Oh, I'm down with that, too.

Next commercial,
I'll get The Chicken,

you take the big guy.

No, no, no, that's not it
and you know it, Roz!

I knew you'd say that.

Fine. I'll take
the big guy!

No, no, Roz, stop it!
Listen to yourself!

You're lusting for blood
like a barbarian!

I have a more civilized
approach in mind.

I have composed a speech.

A speech?
Yes.

Unless you plan
to roll it up

and cram it down
their throats,

what good is that
going to do?

You just watch and see.
No, Frasier.

They're never going to stop
making fun of you.

Roz, I don't care.

I've just figured
out something.

Maybe you can't stop
bullies from attacking you,

but the only way they win

is if they change
who you are,

and I'll tell
you something.

Let them do their worst.

They will not knock
the bowler off this head!

What does that mean?!

Holy cow! Look who just
walked into the booth,

Frasier Crane,
the automatic sex pilot.

What's up, love doctor?

Oh, I think you
two know what's up.

There's only so much
I can take.

Only so much anyone can take
from a juvenile comic

and his straight man!

I believe it was
La Rochefoucauld...

I'll take my straight man

over your sex-starved producer
any day, my friend.

Okay, buddy!

Roz, let me handle this!

Hey, hey,
wait a second.

I'm not your
straight man.

If anything,
I'm the funny one.

Let's not start
this again, okay?

You're the one who
started it on the air.

It was La Rochefoucauld
who first said...

You always do this.

Hey, Carlos,
the therapist said

not to use the word
"always."

I just wish that
you could say

that I'm as
funny as you are.

I wish I could
say that, too,

but who does
all the funny voices?

La Rochefoucauld once said...

If I'm so unfunny,

how come I get
offered solo gigs?

Oh, well, now
I'm laughing! Ha-ha!

Don't believe me?

Ask our agent.

You talked to Zachary
behind my back?

Gentlemen, if I could
get a word in here...

I tell you what, man.

You think you can go out
on your own,

go ahead, be my guest.

Great! 'Cause I
don't need you,

and I don't need
"Carlos and The Chicken"!

CHICKEN:
Oh, really?

Well, best of
luck, funny boy.

Same to you, Dwayne!

Hey, man, that is not cool.

Chicken, I believe

it was La Rochefoucauld,
the great French thinker...

Would you give it a rest,
double-wide.

I went to grad school, too.

And P.S.:

It's pronounced
La Rochefoucauld.

That's it!

Nobody corrects
my French pronunciation...!

Chicken!

Oh, my God, did you
have to be so vicious?

Me?

Oh, we got dead air.

Just take over.

Right. Right.

Hello, Seattle.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

I'll be filling in
for the last hour

of The Morning Zoo

with my own particular brand
of zany antics.

Well, let's see. Um...

ah, you know, there was
a fabulous cartoon

in the recent New Yorker.

Let me see if I can describe it
for you.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night!