Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 22 - Dark Side of the Moon - full transcript

WOMAN:
What do you see here?

DAPHNE:
It's two bunnies

clawing each other to death
over a lima bean.

Forgive me,
Dr. McCaskill,

but this game seems
rather silly.

I understand how you
might feel that way,

but it's
helpful to me.

Now, last one.

It's a woman.

Okay, then.

She's skinning a pigeon
with a hatchet.



Are we done now?

I think we still
have some work to do.

I just don't think
there's any good reason

for me to be here.

The judge felt differently.

Oh, what does he know?

Saying I need anger management.

I'm not an angry person.

I never have been.

Daphne, wasn't it anger
that led you to cause

that four-car accident?

Oh, yes, but I was provoked
into that.

Mm-hmm.
I'm not angry anymore.

Well, there may be
a level of emotion



you're not entirely
in touch with.

Let's talk about
your life in general.

You said you
had a fiancé?

Yes, Donny.

He's a wonderful, generous man.

In fact, he did the sweetest
thing for me last week,

totally out of the blue.

PEOPLE:
Surprise!

Welcome
to your shower,

honey.

Oh, my God,
you're trembling.

Yes, well, I'm
absolutely blown away.

Oh, come on Daphne.
You were on to us.

No, really.

You had me
completely fooled.

We may have an even bigger
surprise for you later on.

Oh? Yes, but
first things first.

Let's get you
some champagne.

DAPHNE: I'm not usually much
for surprise parties,

but I could see
how much trouble Donny went to.

He invited all my friends,
made the food.

He even planned some games.

We played this one game
where everyone's in groups,

then each group
dresses one person

in a bridal gown
made out of toilet paper.

Can't remember
what it's called.

"Toilet Paper
Bridal Gown."

Yes, that's it.
Have you played?

I'm familiar
with it.

Then, you know, as the bride,

I had to judge
which group made the best dress

while another woman
was in charge of...

(whistle blows)

Time! Stop right now
or be disqualified!

Designers, present
your brides.

Team A.

Ta-da!

Oh, very nice, Donny.

Team B.

We're not finished yet.

You shouldn't
have spent

so much time
with the sketches.

MEL:
Team C.

Where's Team C?
Team C, time!

(humming "Bridal March")

You'll notice

that I used the quilted variety
for the bodice

and the edging
on the veil.

Well, you all look fantastic,

but I think we have a winner--
Team C.

(Team C cheering)

Oh, Donny, I'm sorry.

Holly, it's
not your fault.

I should have
been more radiant.

Daphne, listen, if
there happens to be

another game that we play, do you
think you could arrange for me

to be on the same team as
your friend Holly there?

Oh, developed
a little crush, have we?

As a matter of
fact, I have.

It's just that I haven't
had much of a chance

to get to speak
with her at all.

Well, I'll do what I can,

but I'm not really
in charge here.

(blows whistle)

All right, people.

Next game,
bridal charades.

(guests moaning and cheering)
(doorbell ringing)

Oh, oh!

Roz, you know, someday
you're going to make

a beautiful bride.

'Course, your dress won't be
made out of toilet paper.

Or be white.

DONNY:
Everybody.

Daphne...

your big surprise
has arrived.

Now, this is someone
that I know

that you are dying
to see.

Your parents?

No, not till next week.

My mother?

No, someone good.

My brother?

Your favorite brother.

Oh...

Yay! Stephen!

Ste... No.

Billy.

Um...

DAPHNE:
Michael? Well...

Nigel? David?

MAN:
Hello.

Thirsty man
waiting out here.

Simon.

Hello.

Daphne... come here.

Ah! I got you again!

Everyone,

this is my
brother, Simon.

ALL:
Hi, Simon.

Ah, Stilts,
aren't you a sight?

"Stilts"?

Growing up, I was a
bit tall for my age.

Giant, like she was
on stilts.

They follow you, Simon.

Yeah, right.

Well, it's nice
to meet you all,

especially whichever one's
the bartender.

Oh, that would be me.

Oh, and a pretty
little bartender you are.

Right this way.

After you.

Oh.

I'd rather walk
behind you, anyway.

I just love
your accent.

It's so
sophisticated.

Oh, right.

DONNY: Oh, boy,
I really screwed up, didn't I?

Isn't Stephen the
favorite brother?

Yes. Even I knew that,

and I barely listen to her.

I know, I know, I know.

I got the names mixed up,

but you have mentioned
Simon, too.

Yeah, as a freeloader
who just sits

around the house
drinking beer all day.

Well, that's a lot of people.

You're retired.

You have
such a dirty mind.

And that would be

a terrible
thing to waste.

Uh, Simon...

Yeah, right.

This is Dr.
Frasier Crane

and his father,
Martin.

Oh, yeah.
Pleasure to meet you.

Simon, how are you?

Pleasure to meet you.

These are the
people I work for.

And you've met
my fiancé, Donny.

Oh, thanks
for flying me over.

Yeah, about that...

Didn't it seem unusual to you

when he called you
my favorite brother?

Mm. Now that you mention it,

it did strike my ear
as a bit odd,

you being so partial
to Stephen.

But then I thought,

women change their minds
all the time.

Brothers fall
in and out of favor.

Maybe it's my turn.

And a good thing, too,

as it was
an especially good time

for me to get out of England.

God, he talks
just like a prince.

So, uh, Simon,

where are you staying?
Thanks, mate.

Uh, Donny here says

that Frasier's offered
to put me up.

Yes, well, I mean,
when he told me

that he was inviting
Daphne's favorite brother,

I-I didn't hesitate.

'Course, well, the sad truth is,

we don't really have
a bed for you.

Oh, a couch will
suit me just fine.

Well, I mean, you wouldn't
really be comfortable there

for more than a day or two.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I once slept on a couch
for three months

before I even realized
it pulled out.

The main thing is
that I spend

as much time as possible
with my baby sister!

Oh! Simon, look
what you did!

It was my absolute
favorite dress--

one I save
for special occasions.

He wasn't in the door
five minutes

before he ruined it.

And yet you still
felt responsible

for putting him up.

I didn't have
much choice.

If I turned him out,

I'd never hear the end
of it from Mum.

I'm hearing that your relatives
are a source

of some anger for you.

So? Aren't yours?

Well, they might be if I
still talked to any of them.

Anyway, uh...

I can see how

your brother's presence
was adding stress,

but what I'm
not sure of

is how you got
from there

to causing a
four-car pileup.

DAPHNE: Well, things got
much more difficult

once Simon settled
into the house.

Good evening, Dr. Crane.

I hope you had a pleasant day.

Where's Simon?

I think he's out
with Mr. Crane again.

They seem to have taken quite
a shine to each other.

Simon's introduced
him to rugby.

Yes, I really must
thank him for that.

After all, poor Dad,
before he came,

had no sport to watch

between the hours
of 2:00 and 6:00 a.m.

Did you happen to see
the kitchen this morning?

Yes. I guess they
got some take-out.

It looked like a kung pao bomb
went off.

I still have moo shu

stuck in the tread
of my driving moccasins.

I'm sorry Simon's been
such an imposition,

but he's leaving soon.

He's decided to tour the
West Coast until the wedding.

Oh, Lord,
that's a relief.

Yes...
(sighs): Oh...

Oh, by the by,

I invited my friend Holly over
for drinks tonight.

Maybe you could join us.

Might give you two
an opportunity

to get better acquainted.

Daphne, if you're offering up
your attractive friend

as some sort of a peace
offering, well, then, I accept.

Perhaps I'd
better go

and make myself
irresistible.

Well, you won't
have time for much.

She's on her way now. Well,
it's probably better that way.

You know, give her
a fighting chance.

Mr. Crane,

I thought
you were out with Simon.

Nope, just Eddie.

Then where's Simon?

FRASIER:
Daphne!

Your brother
is in my bed!

Nude!

Simon Moon, get
out of Dr. Crane's room!

MARTIN:
Oh, that poor guy.

He probably just needed a nap.

It's the jet lag.

Couple of days,
and he'll be on our time.

A couple more days,
he'll be on our sidewalk.

Oh, sorry about that.

I'm a bit sleepy today.

I think I'm coming down
with a cold.

(clearing throat
and sniffling)

Nothing another night of
drinking won't cure, I'm sure.

Well, let's hope.

Is that my robe you're wearing?

Yeah, yeah.
You want it back?

No, no.

It's all right.

I got shorts underneath.
FRASIER: Oh, God.

Are those my shorts?

Well, I didn't
think you'd mind.

I found them on
the bathroom floor.

Look, if you
need to lie down,

you can use my room.

Yeah, well, all
right, yeah.

Don't forget to
wake me for dinner.

I woke you for lunch, didn't I?

Yeah, right.

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, dear God,
that'll be Holly.

Dad, please,
make yourself scarce.

Ah, Holly,
hello again.

Hello, Dr. Crane.
Nice to see you again.

Yes, yes,
Uh, please, call me Frasier.

Come on in.
Hi, Holly.

I'm glad you
could make it.

Me, too. My boss can be
such a pain.

Oh, too bad.

This one here keeps me
in stitches all day long.

Wocka-wocka!

Let me bring you girls
some drinks.

Oh, no, no, no,

let me get them.

Could you keep Holly company?

All right, uh...
Well, Holly...

um, please
have a seat.

Uh, gosh, uh...

you know, we
didn't really get

much of a chance to
talk at the shower,

but, uh, let me see...

You're in the music
business, aren't you?

Yes. Right now, I'm planning

a reggae festival
on Mercer Island.

Oh, well, I'll have
to remind myself

to take the rasta-ferry
over to catch it.

Frasier just told
the cutest little joke.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I came back
as quickly as I could.

Oh, I just remembered
I left a tray

of hors d'oeuvres
on the kitchen counter.

Oh, no, let
me, Daphne.

I'm not going to let you
wait on me all night.

DAPHNE:
Well, thank you.

Allow me.
Well?

Well, I like her.
Actually, you know what?

I think she likes me, too.

So, are you going to ask her out?
Oh, now, now, Daphne.

Can't rush things
with a girl like Holly.

After all,
she's the kind of girl

you just don't
do that to.

She has to be wooed.

You know, to be honest,

this is the-the part
of the dance

that excites me
the most--

the coy
verbal volleys,

the subtle
body language,

the probing glances

as we explore
our mutual passion.

Um... that jacket
you're wearing

might be a bit
too conservative. Really?

Why don't you go and change?
Well, all right, all right.

What do you think, maybe-maybe,
uh, maybe a sweater?

Do you think I'd look
more freewheeling

in my blue and my...?

Good God.

He has a cold, you know.

I had no idea
that Simon and Holly

had gotten so cozy
at my wedding shower.

Of course, try telling that
to Dr. Crane.

He blamed you for
what happened?

Of course he did.

The tension in the house
was just getting worse.

Then two nights later,

I thought I was getting
a break from it all.

I had the house all to myself
for a change,

which was a good thing,

because I was meeting
Donny's parents the next day.

I decided I'd use the evening

to take a nice hot bath,
give myself a manicure...

you know, how you do.

Dr. Crane, what happened
to your concert?

Simon happened.

I've caught his wretched cold.

I'm just going to go
curl up in bed.

After all, if I don't take
care of myself, who will?

Make me some tea and honey,
won't you?

Hey, Daph.

I thought you and Simon
were watching the game

down at McGinty's.

Nah, the cable went out.

I'll just watch it here.

Then where's Simon?

He's at the bar.
He met some people.

Oh, listen, if you're
going in the kitchen,

would you get me
a beer?

He's got
a real knack

for making friends...

and a great storyteller.

Is it true you wet your pants

the first time
you saw a Chinese person?

He told you that?

Oh, he's going to kill me.

He was going to try to work it
into his wedding toast.

(shouting
and laughter)

Come on in, make yourselves
comfortable.

Hey, Stilts,

I didn't know
you'd be home.

God, what a sight.

If you took your teeth out
and put them in your pocket,

you'd look like Mum.

Oh, sod off, Simon.

Who are these people?

These are some
new friends of mine.

They've come 'round
to watch the game.

This is Dan.
This is, uh...

Judd.
Judd, yeah.

And this here
is Paris.

MARTIN:
Oh, Paris--

does that make you French?

No, but a couple
of beers might.

Brilliant! Brilliant!

(laughter)

What on earth
is going on out here?

Oh, it's no big deal.

A few people just came over
to watch the game.

Well, you might have consulted
with me first.

Let's get you back to bed,
Dr. Crane.

I'll bring your tea
in a minute. Very well, Daphne.

It seems I've caught
a cold from someone.

Well, you might've
mentioned that

before I took a nap
in your bed.

If you don't mind
me saying, Marty,

you're a saint
for putting up with that man.

Your life must be very trying,
very trying indeed.

Oh, do not get me started.

(doorbell rings)

Could someone get that?

I have a tray to make
for Dr. Crane.

Bring out some beers,
would you?

Hi, Simon.
Hello.

Are you ready?
To go to dinner?

We made a date.

Of course. Our date.

Uh, just-just hang on there
a minute, uh...

Hello, Roz.

Roz, yeah.

I forgot where
I put me jacket.

Right here.
Right.

Well, I'm just going out
for a bit, love.

Make yourself comfortable.
I won't be late.

I don't believe this.

I got dressed up,
I got a sitter,

and you don't even remember
we made a date.

Some classy brother,
Daphne.

Now you're making me feel bad.

I'll tell you what--
dinner's on me tonight.

Daphne, can I talk to you
for a minute?

Don't bother, Simon.

Hey, will you keep it down?
The game's on.

Right. Daph, how about
some snacks?

Maybe a couple of sandwiches.

Oh, get it yourself.

I have laundry to check on.

Hey, did you do
my delicates?

(huffs)

I thought I'd cool off

while I was in the laundry room,
but no such luck.

Look at this!

My favorite dress
ruined!

(loud cheering)

Just when I'd gotten
the wine stain out,

someone pulled it
out of the machine

and tossed it
into a puddle of bleach.

(loud cheering)

I got them back, though.

I pulled all their clothes
out of the dryer

and threw them
onto the dirty, wet floor.

Oh, what do
you care?

I need a drink-- a big one.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, that'll be
my date again.

I knew she couldn't
stay mad long.

Coming, Rose!

Hi. Hello, Donny.
Who's this, then?

My Mom and Dad-- I was
picking them up at the airport.

They couldn't wait
to meet Daphne.

This is Simon,

Daphne's brother.

Oh, nice to meet you.
Yeah, hello.

How are you?

Hey, word
to the wise:

Daphne's in a bit
of a mood tonight.

Why don't I just let her know
that you're here?

There. That's the last
of that bottle.

Daphne, thanks for
bringing in my whiskey.

It's mine--
if you want it,

you'll have to fight me
for it, old man.

Honey, honey...

Um, Mom, Dad, uh...

(chuckles nervously)

This is my fiancée...

(chuckles)

Daphne.

Hello.

Donny, I thought we were
doing this tomorrow.

Well, I wanted
to surprise you.

Why, because your
last surprise

worked out so well?

We should have called
first.

This is so embarrassing.
I'm such a mess.

Come on, honey,
you've looked worse.

Donny!

Maybe we'd
better go.

Oh, no, no,
please come in.

The more, the merrier.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, for God's sake,

who the hell is that now?

She's very lovely.

I know what you did.

Someone saw you leave
the laundry room.

You threw all my wet clothes
all over the floor!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
they were still wet.

Here... let me help.

What are you doing?

Ooh-hoo,
that's nice and hot.

WOMAN:
Stop it!

What, not fast enough
for you? Here!

WOMAN:
Stop it!

Maybe if we air-dried them!

There...!

That should do it!

You happy now?!

(horns honking)
(tires screeching)

(cars crashing)

Fine! I guess I'll just
have to make my own tea!

It never occurred to me

that stuff would fall
on people's windshields.

Well, I can
certainly see

why you felt provoked.

Thank you.

Now, if the judge
had seen it your way,

we could have all saved
ourselves a lot of time.

There's something
that confuses me

just a little.

Yes?

This dress that was ruined--

you keep saying
it was your favorite.

That's right.

So...

why were you wearing it
at your bridal shower?

Well, it's a momentous event,
don't you think?

But you said it
was a surprise.

Well, yes...

it was.

So... just what
were you expecting

when you went over there?

Daphne. Right on time.

I'm glad you're here.

Come in.

Let me, uh,
take your coat.

I brought the recipe.

Hmm?

Oh, uh, uh, for, uh,
sticky toffee pudding.

Mm, mm, mm.

Well, that's why
I'm here, isn't it?

To teach you
to make it?

Yes.

You're not buying it,
are you?

No, not really.

So, uh...

you know why
I asked you here tonight?

I think I do.

I mean, when a man
asks you to his house

to make pudding on a
Saturday night, you...

Pretty flimsy excuse,
wasn't it?

Well, it got me here.

Well, I'm glad.

Make yourself
comfortable.

All right.

ALL:
Surprise!

DONNY:
Welcome to your shower, honey.

(laughing)

Oh, my God,
you're trembling.

Yes, well... I'm
absolutely blown away.

Oh, come on,
Daphne,

you were on to us.

No, really... you had
me completely fooled.

(others laughing)

My God...

Dr. Crane...

You know, it
might be time

to start calling
him "Niles."

This is so confusing.

I mean, what about Donny?

He's the man I love.

Are you sure about that?

No.

Oh, I have so many questions.

What does this mean?
What do I do?

I'm sorry, but
our time is up.

♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues
a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Frasier has left the building.