Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 21 - The Three Faces of Frasier - full transcript

Oh, don't you look nice?

Yeah, Frasier
wanted me dressed up

for this mystery lunch of his.

He hasn't told you what
the occasion is, either?

No, but I'm sure it's
something very important.

I'm sure he wants to unveil

his new antique
Elizabethan egg timer.

Yeah, or debut his
Precolumbian spoon rest.

Hello, all. MARTIN: Hey.

Well, Dad, I see
you're ready to roll.

Yeah. Can you at least tell us



what kind of restaurant
you're taking us to?

Patience, Dad.

Roz'll be here in a few minutes,

then we'll be off and
all will be revealed.

So, how did it go
with the doctor?

Judging by that
smile on your face,

I'm guessing your
cholesterol's down.

Well, after several weeks

of watching my diet
and taking my medication

and racewalking every
Tuesday, it hasn't budged.

The good news is, though,

that I've developed bursitis
to help take my mind off of it.

The doctor says it's all
just a matter of aging.

Well, no reason to let
it ruin our festive lunch.



Yeah... Boy, you don't forget

that trip to the doctor, do you?

That day he says, "There's
nothing I can do for you.

You're just getting old, sport."

In my case, it was "slugger,"
but that was the gist.

You know what I realize?

When people reach
our stage of life...

Dad, please, with
all due respect,

when it comes
to life's journeys,

you and I do not share a stage.

We're not even in
the same theater.

You're taking this all
very cheerfully, Dr. Crane.

Well, why shouldn't I?

In many ways, my
life couldn't be better.

I mean, by and large,

I'm in good health.

There's a promising new
relationship on the horizon...

The lovely Rachel.

My career is thriving.

Did you say
"thriving" or "diving"?

What?

Look at these ratings.

Oh, Roz, that's
nothing to worry about.

For God's sakes,
they're just leveling off.

Yeah, that's what tends to
happen when you hit bottom.

There's no cause
for alarm here, Roz.

The important thing is that
we go on doing a quality show.

Hey, how about
some quality lunch?

Splendid idea,
Dad. Off we go, then.

Oh, uh, Niles will
be joining us there.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Ah, Rachel, yes, uh...

momentito.

So, is Donny going
to be joining us?

No, he's got wedding
business this afternoon.

He's composing our vows.

Oh, isn't that romantic?

He's not exactly Wordsworth
strolling through a shady glen.

When I left, he was lying
on the couch in his underwear

with a tin of Vienna sausages

and a rhyming
dictionary on his chest.

Remember that new promising
relationship on the horizon?

Yeah.

It just got married
in Vegas last night.

Great, then you don't have a
date for Daphne's wedding?

Oh, I'll find a date, don't
worry, Roz. Lunch awaits.

Hey, great.

Why don't we go together?

No, Roz, I assure you.

My dance card will be punched.

By who?

Well, I don't know right now.

It's just that I will
be "Crane plus one."

Uh-huh.

Just in case you
don't get a date,

what time would you pick me up?

I'm getting a date.

Well, just in case.

I'm getting a date.

What time are
you picking her up?

3:00.

Can you make it 3:30?

I'm getting a date!

So, what's the big occasion?

Wait for it, Daphne,
let the moment build.

Besides, Niles
hasn't arrived yet.

I'd be surprised if he came.

He's terrified of this place.

Still?

My God, it's been 30 years.

What happened?

Oh, Esther and I
brought the boys here

when they were kids, and
Niles was running around,

and he bumped into
the dessert trolley,

and Stefano got
hot and yelled at him,

and Niles got terrified
and he... well...

He vomited.

Right.

All over Stefano's shoes.

Then he ran out,
hid behind the car,

and he hasn't been
back in here since.

Poor little weenie.

Hey, Dr. Crane!

Buon giorno, buon
giorno, buon giorno!

Oh, good to see you,
Stefano. How are you?

Allow me to introduce
you to Daphne Moon...

Yes, yes.

And my father, Martin,
you remember, of course.

Yes, hi, how are you? This is...

Hey, we all know Roz.

All right.

For today, we've got
some special dishes.

For you, Dr. Crane...

Porcini, fresh from Napoli.

Oh.

And for me?

Giorgio, fresh from Sicily.

Can I get him to go?

You bet.

Okay, now, I'm going to be
waiting on you myself today.

You just give me a
minute, I come back.

Grazie.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, hello, Niles.

Oh, really?

Oh, what a shame.

Told ya. No, that's all right.

If your patient
is having a crisis,

you'd better address it...

before it turns into

a crippling, immature,
lifelong problem!

You're not really
mad at him, are you?

Well, of course, I'm mad at him.

I'm certainly going to give him

a piece of my mind
at dinner tonight.

Tonight?

Oh, I was hoping you could
come to Alice's birthday party.

My balloon animal guy canceled,

and I could really
use your help.

I'm sorry, Niles made the
reservations a month ago.

It's at Quelque Chose.

Fine.

Listen, if Niles isn't coming,

maybe you can tell us
what the big surprise is.

Oh, all right, I'll spill.

For over 60 years,
Stefano's has immortalized

Seattle's famous
faces on its walls,

as you can see.

With one notable exception.

It's me!

Stefano's unveiling
the portrait today.

Oh, how wonderful.

Hey, that's what I'll
do for Alice's party...

I'll get a cartoonist
to draw the kids.

That's an excellent idea, Roz,

but let's not forget
why we're here.

Does anybody have a toast?

Okay, Dr. Crane, here it is.

My portrait?

No, it's today's specials.

Of course, it's your portrait.

Would you like to say a
few words or something?

Well, uh, if you insist.

Before we unveil this picture,

permit me to paint
one of my own.

A picture of a
young Frasier Crane,

wide-eyed, gazing at the walls
of Stefano's and wondering...

"Who's that?"

Well, little did I suspect
that one day my picture

would be on the
wall, and perhaps now

other children will come
in, gaze at it, and wonder...

"Who's that?"

I'm betting that's
going to happen a lot.

So, thank you,
Stefano, for this honor.

Thank you for suggesting it.

And now...

may I present Il Dottore!

Dr. Frasier Crane!

Fras, will you let it go?

It's a perfectly nice picture.

Oh?

So, nothing about
it jumped out at you

as, oh, I don't
know... encephalitic?

So they gave you a big
forehead. Who cares?

It makes you look smart.

It makes me look
like I discovered fire.

Frasier, I was just
leaving you a note

apologizing for
that flimsy excuse.

I'm sorry, just the thought
of going back to that place

got my stomach doing flip-flops.

Yeah, yeah. Come on in, Niles.

Oh, by the way, Daphne,

the doorman gave
me this. It's for you.

No, it's for Donny.

No, it's for "Mrs.
Donny Douglas."

Oh, funny, that's the first time
I've seen my name like that.

Well, get used to it.

That's you in a couple of weeks.

So, how was lunch?

What was the surprise?

Don't ask.

The less said, the better.

They put his
picture on the wall,

and he thinks his forehead
looks a touch too big.

A touch?!

I look like a fugitive
from Easter Island.

Frasier,

you always think you
look bad in pictures.

Niles, this is not some
photo I can just throw away.

This is a picture of me
in a famous restaurant.

God, I dreamed my entire
life of being on that wall.

And now you are.

Are you really so vain that
that's not honor enough?

Vanity has
nothing to do with it.

It's about misrepresentation.

And you know, if I were
you, I would be careful

about bandying
about the word "vain,"

Mr. $250 Haircut!

I have problem follicles.

Frasier, it's a caricature.

They exaggerate stuff.

Now, if it were me,

they would have
drawn maybe a big cane.

If it were Niles,

they'd draw a barber

cutting the hair
off a giant sucker.

I know you're sensitive
about your big forehead,

but we all have stuff like that.

With me, it's my eyes.

I've always fancied
sparkling blue ones

instead of dull old brown.

Your eyes?

Your eyes are not dull.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.
That's very nice.

They're... they're...
warm and, uh...

full of life.

You have beautiful eyes, too.

Oh, goodness.

I can't be lollygagging
around here, I have to...

to get Dr. Crane his oat bran.

Oat bran? Now?

You'll need it for the morning.

You've got to have
something to sop up

all that nasty cholesterol
gumming up your heart.

If not, I'm liable to come home

and find you face
down on the floor

with the dog
gnawing off your foot,

and I'm not making that
up, either. That happened.

Cheerio.

I wish she'd move that
fast when I'm out of beer.

Are we still on for
dinner at Quelque Chose?

Oh, yes, yes, of course, Niles.

You might want
to call and confirm.

Yes, I'll make a mental note.

Be careful you don't lose it

inside that giant
pu Good-bye, Niles!

Giant puppet head, indeed.

Oh, let it go, Frasier...
What are you going to do,

go down there and
make him change it?

Just accept it
for the honor it is,

that's all.

You know, I don't get you.

A doctor gives you bad
news, you take it in stride

but one bad picture...

Yes, thank you, Dad.

Hello.

Yes, I'm calling about
a reservation tonight.

For two. Crane.

Well, what can I say,

but I just love
your food, Stefano.

I'm in the mood for Italian.

Will you come along, Niles?

I'd really rather not.

I'm feeling queasy
just standing here.

You can hardly see
the picture from there.

All right, let's just
be quick about this.

Hello, do you
have a reservation?

Uh, yes. For Crane.

One moment.

You tricked me.

We'll just be here long enough

for me to talk to Stefano,

convince him to
change the picture

so it doesn't mock me
for the rest of my life.

Frasier, the man
has a violent temper.

He's already made me
humiliate myself once.

Niles, I can't believe

you're letting a minor
childhood trauma

like this plague you.

I have a feeling this may be

the root of your fear
of authority figures.

Listen, a nice, relaxing

dinner here may go a long way

toward helping you
resolve this problem.

Dottore,

Dottore, how nice
to see you again.

Stefano, good to see you.

And who is this gentleman?

He looks familiar to me.

This is my brother, Niles.

Of course, you have
the family forehead.

Come on.

Follow me.

Hey, Antonio, slow down!

What's the matter with you?

Come on

sit down, we got a nice table.

Oh, thank you.

Right under your picture.

Okay, tonight, no menus.

I'm going to take
care of everything.

Except the bill, of course.

Well, there it is.

Frasier Cranium.

Well, it does have a
certain under-nuanced

over-contoured...

Macy's parade
kind of quality, but...

even so, you cannot

ask him to change it.

The man will explode.

Not if I do it with
the utmost tact.

Okay...

here we are, antipasto.

Oh... Oh...

Wonderful, Stefano.

You know, you
certainly do have a way

of making people
feel comfortable.

I suspect that it would
actually physically pain you

to think that someone
wasn't totally pleased.

What's wrong?

Mm-mmm.

Well, actually...
well, there is a...

a tiny, tiny problem.

It's really about

my picture, you see.

There is a small faction

that thinks the
forehead is too large.

What, this one?

No, I love it.

As do I.

It's just that, well, I...

I feel I might be
more recognizable

if the forehead
were a tad smaller.

So you don't like it?

It's not that.

It's not good enough for you?

Yes, it is.

You want me to have it changed?

Could you?

How long is this going to take?

Now, Niles, I was
fortunate enough

that the artist is
actually here tonight.

I'm certainly not
going to rush him.

Now, you better
finish your lasagna.

You don't want
to offend Stefano.

Offend him?

So far tonight I have had
the prosciutto di Parma,

the pesto Genovese and
the Venetian sea bass.

One more bite,
and we'll conclude

our little tour of Italy with
my impression of Pompeii.

Hey, hey, look who it is.

They'll let anyone
in this joint.

Hello, Kenny.

So what are you celebrating?

Not your ratings, huh?

I'm kidding!

You got to kid.

If you don't laugh,
you cry, right?

So, did I hear a rumor

you're going up on the
wall of fame? Oh, yes.

As a matter of
fact, they're putting

the finishing touches
on the picture right now.

Isn't that something?

Hey, hey, hey, you
better save some room.

Stefano goes crazy

if you pass on his dessert.

My mother found
that out the hard way

on her 80th birthday.

He went off on her.

Called her a...

skoonja-boonja or something.

The kids had it
memorized for a while.

Well, enjoy.

Okay, Dr. Crane.

Hot off the easel.

Is this one more to your liking?

Oh, my.

Is it better?

Well, it's like
looking in a mirror.

Okay, that's what
I want to hear.

You know, this is the first time

that anybody's ever
asked for a change.

Beautiful.

You make me so happy.

I'm going to see how
the steaks are coming.

Thank you.

Frasier, I hate to
burst your bubble,

but that picture looks
absolutely nothing like you.

Well, well...

I was wondering when
Mr. Envy would pull up a chair.

Ah, Kenny, Kenny.

If I may, can I direct your
attention to this caricature?

Wow, look at that.
I am impressed.

I thought you might be.

James Garner eats here?

James Garner?

Well, I guess I can
go sit down now.

My father-in-law just
picked up the check.

I don't believe this.

I've waited my entire life

to have my picture on this wall.

Now that it is, it's
unrecognizable.

Well, not for long.

No. Frasier, you are not

going to ask him
to change it again.

Niles... if this means
so much to you,

my girlfriend is
a plastic surgeon.

She can have you
looking like this picture

in six procedures or less.

All right,

here we are, boys, here we are.

Mangia bene.

Whoa!

Thank you. Grazie.

You know, there's been something

that's been
bugging me all night.

Hey, shove over, will you?

I know you from someplace,

and I can't figure out where.

And it's driving me pazzo.

So, we got to figure
this out together, okay?

You and me, all right?

You know, while you two

are strolling down memory lane,

I have a quick
errand I have to run.

I tell you what.

Save some dessert for me.

Frasier, Frasier...

Uh, Roz...

Frasier, I knew you'd show up.

Yes, well, of course.

You knew how much it
would mean to me and Alice.

Oh, gosh, am I that transparent?

Come on in.

Everybody, this is Frasier.

Hello, hello. Hi.

Can I get you something?

Jell-O? Lunchables?

Pokemon punch?

Do you have any coffee made?

No.

That's perfect.

I mean, while you're making
coffee, it'll give me some

quality time with Alice.

Hey, no cuts. I need

a picture right away.

I'll tell. Do you
know who this is?

This is the birthday girl.

If she wants a
picture right away,

she's gonna get a
picture right away.

Now why don't you run along?

All right, I think
you're finished.

Here we are.

But I don't have any eyes.

Yes, well,

neither did Little Orphan Annie

and she's got her own
Broadway show. Now, go on, shoo.

Okay, fine.

I'm looking for something manly.

Go easy on the forehead
and leave the kid out.

Niles.

Where the hell have you been?

Stefano's been
trying to place me

for the last 40 minutes.

Was I ever in Panama?

Did I sell him
his first Lincoln?

Do I have a box
at the dog track?

Why don't you just say "yes"

and let that be the end of it?

Oh, that's a good idea.

What's that?

I went by Alice's
birthday party.

I had the artist there draw
me some new sketches.

Here. What do you think?

I think you're insane.

No, Niles,

it's not so crazy,
really, just imagine.

Suppose that picture there

should accidentally
drop to the floor

and tear.

You see, I could come
back here tomorrow

tell Stefano that I didn't want

to put his artist to
any more trouble

and I had a new
caricature done myself.

You see, I'm actually
partial to this one here.

But there is one in here
of me playing soccer

which is very good.

Frasier...

we'll put these away,
and we'll pay the bill

and we'll find a
bed to strap you into.

No, no, no, Niles.

This can work. It really can.

I promise you, it can work.

What is this? The pictures?

It's nothing, it's no
business of yours. Off you go.

Stefano. Shh.

Stefano!

Mama, what is it?

Dr. Crane, what is this?

Oh, all right.

I may as well just
tell you the truth.

The fact is, I don't really
care for this picture, either.

It's just that I'm afraid

your artist has lost his touch.

To be honest, I think
he's robbing you blind.

I mean, my God, how much
is this hack charging you?

Mama, Mama.

Mama's the hack, isn't she?

That's right.

Son of a gun, get out of here!

And don't ever come back!

You, hold on one second.

Now... I remember you.

Oh...

Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Yes. Yes.

Right. Yes.

My car got stuck in the
rain and you saved my ass.

Yes, well, it was nothing.

Glad you remembered.

Let me show you how we
thank you where I come from.

Well, suffice it to say,

that the entire Crane family

is now banned from Stefano's.

Just 'cause of
that dumb picture?

No, no, actually

there was a little incident
involving Niles, too.

He was doing just fine

until Stefano took him in
some sort of a bear hug

and shook him a
little too vigorously.

On the shoes again?

No, this time there was

a conveniently
placed lobster tank.

Poor Niles. Yeah.

Wasn't any picnic
for the lobsters either.

What the hell is
wrong with me, Dad?

I became so obsessed
with that damn picture

I completely lost my head.

Well, I think I know
what's really going on here.

Really?

Well, enlighten us.

Well, I think there's
some stuff in your life

that you can't control.

Your doctor tells
you you're getting old.

Your ratings are low.

You're not happy
with your love life.

And so I think you
obsessed about this picture

because you figured it
was something in your life

that you could control.

Well, Dad, you do raise a point.

Oh, what the hell,
you're dead on.

Where'd you learn so
much about psychology?

Oh, I listen to radio.

Gosh, it's so obvious, isn't it?

You know, when a
person is confronted

with some deeply troubling issue

that they're not
ready to face yet

they usually avoid the problem

by obsessing about
something else...

Something completely trivial.

Got it.

Got what?

Dr. Crane's oat bran.

God, you left for
that eight hours ago.

Well, it wasn't easy.

They were out of it
at the regular market

so I went to another one.

But they were out of it

so I looked into it

and it turns out

they don't sell it in
Washington anymore.

Well, for some reason,
I just couldn't let it go.

So I went for a little drive.

It wouldn't kill you to do
something like that once in a while.

Get off that big,
round duff of yours.

Anyway... hop, skip
and a jump later...

here it is.

Fresh from Portland.

Well, off to bed.

Good night.

What the hell was that?

I don't know, what did she mean

about that "big,
round duff" comment?

Now, Dad...

You know, the sands of time

don't exactly flow
up the hourglass.

It's not easy for a guy our age.

Dad, for the last time,

we are not the same age.

I mean, I've seen your
hips start to spread...

For Pete's sake, my hips
have nothing to do with this...

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Thank you!