Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 20 - To Thine Old Self Be True - full transcript

Oh, uh, Dad.

It's not here yet.

How did you... You've been
yakking about it for weeks.

Your new blazer's coming.

It's Italian,
it's hand-stitched,

it cost more money
than my first car.

Yes, but it's made from
very expensive material.

They have to find exactly
the right kind of goat.

Looks like they did.

DAPHNE:
Good morning, Dr. Crane.

I made you a
special breakfast.



Why, thank you,
Daphne.

After all, blazer day
comes but once a year.

The doorman said he was
on his way up with it.

I wonder what's keeping him.

Regan.

Frasier.

Long time no see.

Yes, yes, it has been.

I think the last time

was when you came over
with that bottle of wine.

Oh, right, right.

And I met your
charming boyfriend.

Scott.

Scott.



And he's not
my boyfriend anymore.

Oh, well, he wasn't really
all that charming.

(laughs)

Well, it was nice seeing
you again, Frasier.

Likewise.

Isn't that interesting?

Just ran into Regan.

It seems she's not seeing
that Scott anymore.

What, the ballplayer?
Is she nuts?

He had money, looks,
the whole package.

Dad, let him go.

Are you going to ask her out?

I don't know.

Every time I've had the chance
to get close to Regan,

it seems I end up
looking ridiculous.

Still...

she did make a point
of letting me know

that she was single again.

Perhaps she's hinting
for another ride

on the Frasier-go-round.

Now, if we could just figure out

why you always look ridiculous.

Please, you're my last chance.

Couldn't you...? All right,
no, it's okay, I understand.

I understand.
Don't worry about it. Bye.

(groans)

Problem?

Yeah, it's my
bachelor party.

My best man
can't arrange it.

I'm having a hell
of a time

trying to find
somebody to fill in.

Well, Donny, if you're
looking for someone

to throw you an
appropriate shindig,

I'd be willing
to volunteer.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Thank you, no.
It's okay.

I just don't
want to impose.

It's no trouble
at all, really.

No, no, no, no. No.

It's fine, uh, really.

Thanks for the offer, though, Frasier.
(doorbell rings)

I don't think we're talking
about the same kind of party.

Donny, if you're
letting my reputation

as an aesthete
cloud your judgment,

I assure you I am just
one of the guys...

capable of getting down and
dirty with the best of them.

Your jacket, Dr. Crane.

Oh, dear God!

You never
fold cashmere!

You'll misdirect
the nap. Get out!

Donny, give it
some thought, hmm?

Morning, Roz.
Hey, Frasier.

Help me decide
something.

All right.

I'm thinking about
getting my eyes done.

It's a little
expensive, but...

Now, now, Roz,

cosmetic surgery
is a drastic step.

If you're worried about
those bags under your eyes,

why don't you try
just a different concealer.

Perhaps a good night's sleep
once in a while.

I meant the laser procedure

so I could see
without my contacts.

Uh, my usual, please.

I just saw the most
incredible thing.

You will not believe it.

What is it? You have to
see it for yourself.

Mere words cannot...

Ooh, new jacket?

Yes, just came today.

That's nice stitching.

Thank you. Christophe.
No, really?

Is something
wrong with the nap?

Oh, my God,
is it that obvious?

Would you
knock it off?

What is so amazing?

All right, come here,
come here, look.

Come here. All right.

You see that rotund woman

coming out of
Choc Full of Donuts?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Watch. Before
she gets to her car,

she will finish
that bear claw,

and then go back in.

This is her third time.

That's what you brought
us over here for?

To gawk as some poor woman's
struggle with junk food?

Big deal, so
she's overweight.

You don't need
to point it out.

It's rude.

It's childish.

It's Maris.

(laughs):
No way.

Dear God,
are you sure?

I'm positive.

It's hard to believe
that's the same frail woman

who once sprained her wrist

from having too much dip
on a cracker.

Maris was always
chubby as a child.

Her whole life
she's been obsessed

with keeping weight off.

Something
must've snapped.

Literally. When she saw me,
she swallowed

and her necklace exploded
from the pressure.

Look, look,

there she goes...
back for more.

You know, when I last
saw her at Christmas,

she was her
usual tiny self.

Wait, Niles,

wasn't that about the time

you started dating
her plastic surgeon?

Actually, it was.

You think that could
have triggered

some sort of binge?
Well...

Well, this isn't
going to help.

Mel and I are in the
society page today.

It's our picture at
the symphony benefit.

I shudder to think how Maris
will react to that.

You know how petty and jealous
she can get.

They never take a photo of me,

and I'm in
the Conductor's Circle.

Well, she moved next door
to the Italian deli.

The guy just took the two-foot
salami out of the window.

I can't face her now.

That salami string
should keep her busy

until I can get to my car.

Niles...

Hey, is that Niles
in the paper?

Yes. He just happened
to have a copy with him.

As if anyone cares about
such trivial matters.

Oh, yeah, right.

This is eating you up.

You live for this
hoity-toity crap.

Thank you.
I certainly do not.

Why does everyone
think that?

You know, just this morning
Donny said I was too fussy

to throw him
a bachelor party.

Well, you do give off
kind of a fussy vibe.

You know, there are other
sides to my personality.

I remember back
in my Boston days,

I had a regular bar
and a regular barstool.

I even had a tab.

Well, if you go back,
you should try having a beer.

Oh, gosh, you know, maybe...

maybe I have become stuffier.

The highlight of my week

was the arrival
of my hand-tailored coat.

Maybe it's time
I loosened up a bit.

Tried to tone down the
whole fuddy-duddy image.

Hello, Donny?
It's Frasier.

Listen, I would really
like to throw

that bachelor party for you.

No, no, I assure you
I know

what goes on at one.

Yes, I'm quite, quite qualified.

No, really, I promise you

a night of such
unrepentant debauchery

that the mere memory will
delight you in your old age.

That is, if you should
survive the night.

(laughing)

Think I'm overselling it a bit?

Maybe a tad.
Yeah, all right.

That's great.
Oh, great, great.

Thanks, Donny.

I'll tell you
what I'm going to do,

I'm going to go out
and find you a stripper.

Maybe even more than one.

You bet.

(laughing)

Strippers, huh?

You betcha.

A couple of real
red-hot mamas.

You don't even know where
to find one, do you?

Not a clue.

(footsteps, coins jingling)

(coins clattering)

Damn.

Damn.

Damn!

Damn.

Open, damn you!

Frasier?

Regan.

Well, this is certainly my lucky
day running into you twice.

Gosh, I guess
this must look a little strange.

Really, it's none
of my business.

No, no, actually, it's
quite an amusing story.

I was just getting
a Seattle Times here

and I got my coat
stuck in the machine.

That's not the Seattle Times.

Hmm?

(gasps)

Dear God, they should label
these things more clearly.

This is some sort of a smut rag.

It was nice seeing you.
Regan...

Regan...

Regan...

Well, if you get any in,

could you
please call me?

Thank you.

Gosh, I'm off
to one hell of a start

with this bachelor party.

First, the debacle with Regan,

now Syd's Novelty Shop

is completely out
of naughty coasters.

Oh, will you stop moping.

It'll all work ass.

What?

For God's sake,
give me that!

What the hell
are you doing?

DONNY:
Honey, if your head hurts,

we don't have to go.

No, no.
I'll be fine.

All right.

Dr. Crane, I just want
to tell you how happy I am

you're throwing
Donny's bachelor party.

Oh, well, there,

you see?

At least someone thinks

I'm capable of throwing
a proper...

A nice, low-key party

just like my honey-bunny
insisted.

DAPHNE:
Honestly,

why men have to celebrate
getting married

by having
bouncing bosoms

shoved in
their faces...

Yeah. Just...

If I know Dr. Crane,

your party will be over
by 9:30.

Oh, we could all go out
for dinner afterwards.

Oh, yeah,
that'd be swell, honey.

Gosh, you know,
if Daphne is so down

on this whole
bachelor party idea,

maybe I should throw
a more sedate one.

I don't want to get Donny
in trouble.

Listen, your job is to give him
the party he wants.

Everything else
is between them.

It's absolutely
none of your boobs.

Give me that!

Stop that.

(doorbell rings)

(sighs)

Oh.

Frasier Crane?

Yes?

I'm looking into a report
of vandalism...

of a newspaper vending machine
on Euclid Avenue.

Does that sound familiar?

Well, I-I may
have been

in the area earlier
today, but, um...

Somebody on the
scene recognized you

as the perpetrator.

Are you aware of the
penalty for vandalism?

Uh-oh. Well, I...
I may have

dented the machine
a little, but...

Frasier Crane, you have
the right to remain...

aroused.

(evocative music playing)
Anything you see,

can and will be
rubbed against you.

She's a stripper!

I get it, Dad!

Thank you.

Thank you, Officer.

I-I knew that Daphne
was going to be gone

most of the afternoon,

so I figured I'd help you out.

Boy, you hire her
for Donny's party,

he'll put you in his will.

So...

do I get the job?

Well, you...

you certainly seem qualified...
overqualified.

What's going on?

Oh, Daphne!

Oh, hello, I-I...
this is, uh...

Officer Nasty, uh...

She's, uh, leaving
the police force,

and, uh, I'm thinking
of hiring her

as the housekeeper.

You see,
once you marry Donny,

you'll still be Dad's
physical therapist

of course, but
we'll need someone

around here to do
the chores, won't we?

Weren't you supposed to be
out with Donny today?

Yeah, I was, but I've got
a splitting headache.

Oh.

So, how long have you been
on the force?

Uh, you know, uh,

I was just about
to-to show the officer

around the house
and, uh, discuss terms.

(doorbell rings)

All right, it was nice meeting
you, Officer Nasty.

Yes.

Don't tell me
to calm down!

It's a complete
disaster.

She'll ruin me!

What's going on?
Oh, it's Maris.

She saw the picture
of us today,

and she's determined
to take it out on Mel.

Yes. She's telling everyone

that I caused her weight gain

by nicking her thyroid
during a neck tuck.

I've already had
three cancellations.

She never thinks about
anybody but herself.

Daphne, get me
a cup of tea.

Actually, I have a bit
of a headache.

Oh, you could be coming down
with something.

Wash your hands first.

NILES: Darling, you have got
to calm down.

Your shoulders
are so tense.

Oh, you know, Daphne gives
a wonderful massage.

That might be
just the thing for you.

Actually, I was
planning on taking a nap.

Oh, good, so
you're not busy.

Shall we do it
in your room?

Look, you two
run along.

I'll take care
of the tea.

I really appreciate
this, Daphne.

You're welcome,
Dr. Crane.

Hey, Niles.

What?

Guess what
your brother's doing.

Pressing his new blazer?

Yeah. Against a stripper.

What?

Yes!

He's interviewing her
in his room

for Donny's bachelor party,

but don't tell Daphne.

And how exactly do you interview
a stripper?

I don't know,

but I bet there's a real show
going on in there.

If you keep the gun
in its holster

until the very
end, you see,

that way your act

has, you know, more, uh...
impact, shall we say.

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Men seem to like my act
the way it is.

Oh, well, I certainly can't tell
you about attracting men,

but I do know a thing or
two about showmanship.

Tell me, uh, what sort
of encore do you have?

I don't have an encore.

Trust me.

With this act, we're
going to need one.

Um, I have an idea.

Well, Mel's all set up
with Daphne.

Oh, well, maybe we ought
to tell Frasier

this is a good time
to get that stripper

out of here.

Dad?

Oh, Fras, okay, coast is clear.

Everything's fine.

Not exactly.

How did that happen?

Lord of the Dance here

decided I needed
an encore.

Well, I assumed
you had the key.

I never use them!

Oh... all right, we'll
just have to cut them off.

All right, well,
come on in here.

I'm Niles.

Now, you might come
to a point

where it feels like
you can't take it anymore.

I call that "phase one."

(Mel groans)

Are you sure
you know what you're doing?

I know exactly
what I'm doing.

(yells)

Oh.

Just relax.

Oh, this is all
Maris' fault.

You know, she actually
called me and said she'd...

lay off if I'd stop seeing him.

What'd you say?

Well, I hung up on her.

How insane is this woman?

She thinks I'd give up Niles
to protect my practice?

I'm crazy about him.

The way he laughs,

the way he gets that
little glint in his eye

when he's about to say
something clever...

But you know what
I love the most?

It's like there are
all these things

that he could be if he could
just trust someone enough

to help him
unlock it all, and...

if I could be
that person--

you know, that safe
person in his life--

well, the more
I know him

the more I know that's
all I want to be.

Daphne?

Oh...

Oh!

This isn't working, Dad.

There's only one thing
left to do.

Well, I got
to warn you.

I'm not as good a shot
as I used to be,

but you'll have to go out
on the balcony.

I need a cup of coffee
to steady my nerves!

Dad!

I meant, go to a locksmith.

Oh, thank God.

All right,
let's go. Come on.

Oh, wait, hold on.

I have to put
something on.

(doorbell rings)

Wait, wait,
I'll get it.

I'll get it.

It's Maris!

At least...

I think it is.

You need a bigger peephole.

What on earth

is she doing here?

I have no idea,

but we can't let her
anywhere near Mel,

especially now that Maris
has the weight advantage.

(pounding on door)

What are we going to do?

Take her into Frasier's room.

FRASIER:
Wait, wait!

I can't been seen like this.

She'll blab it all over town.

Get in the bathroom!
Right.

I'll call you
when she leaves.

Thank you,
Niles.

You know, seeing as how
we have a-a minute or two here,

I may as well
take this opportunity

to end the suspense.

You've got the job.

I've got a little news
for you, too.

Hmm?

I've been on the clock since
you slapped the cuffs on me.

Fair enough.

Ooh. It's
freezing in here.

Oh, uh, yes, here,
let me...

I seem to remember
doing this

back in my college days
at a fraternity hazing.

Here you are.

Oh... here you go.

Yeah.

(clears throat)

Thank you.

It's hand-stitched.

MARTIN:
Frasier, come on out.

All right,
we're out of here.

My God! Have
you seen Maris?!

Yes, Dad, I know.

Did Niles
calm her down?

Yeah, he took her to your room

but he had to
butter her up a little.

I was afraid that narrow doorway
might pose a problem.

(shrieks)

Frasier!

Regan.

Hello.

(nervous chuckle)

Uh, listen, uh,

I'm sorry about
this afternoon, um...

Oh, forget about that.

It was no big deal.

By the way, uh,

I was wondering
if you'd be available to...

Oh, Lord.
Oh!

(sighs)

Gosh...

no need to
be embarrassed

about that,
you know?

I do that sort
of thing all the time.

Say, uh...

you were saying?

Uh...

Yeah, just, uh...

let me get all this
cleaned up first.

Yes, uh...

There you go.

You know, I-I'd gladly
have helped you,

it's just that
I've-I've hurt my back.

You see, oh...
oh, gosh, oh!

Oh, it's seizing up again.

You know,

maybe it would be best
if I just...

went back inside
and crawled into bed.

Good night.

It's going to be
a moment.

I figured.

DAPHNE: I'm just going to
make us some tea.

Back inside!

Frasier!

Oh...

you're a lucky man
having this woman on your staff.

Thank you again,
Daphne.

You're welcome.

Oh.

Niles, where are you going
with all that food?

Um, Dad is not feeling well

so I thought I'd bring him
some comfort food.

And, uh, by the way,
if anyone is going out,

Dad specifically requested
something called a chalupa.

(doorbell rings)

Uh, Daphne, would you mind
getting that?

You're not serious?

You are on the staff after all.

(Daphne muttering)

Hi, Daphne.

Hey, Regan.

Come on in.

Um...

Oh, Frasier.

I-I was concerned
about your back.

You hurt your back?

Uh, no, no.
Just a-a-a spasm.

See, leaning against the wall
like this,

it actually feels a lot better.

Is it upper back
or lower?

Uh, middle,
actually.

If you could all
just leave me alone.

Really, I'm fine
right here.

Why don't we just get you
onto the couch.

No, no, no, please, please.
I-I know what I'm doing.

We'll each take a side.

No, stop!

No, Frasier, it could
be a thoracic strain.

Or a bulging disc.

Yes, impinging
on your lumbar nerve.

Yes, it could easily be
any one of those things,

but did you also consider
that it might be...

the stripper
chained to my wrist?

Officer Nasty!

Oh!

Everyone, this is Dinah.

You see,

this all happened
because I was trying to prove

that I'm a-a normal guy

capable of doing
normal guy things

like throw a bachelor party.

And Daphne, Donny didn't know
anything about it,

so I wish you'd just
lighten up.

Regan, I-I can't
even imagine

where this must put us.

I guess it's time
I just accept the fact

that things will never
work out between us.

You're certainly
not to blame.

After today I...

I can't see that any woman

would even want
to go out with me.

I think... I would.

Hey, Fras.

Oh, hi, Dad.

How was your date?

Well, it was nice, uh...

we had a beer...

Mm-hmm.

Talked a bit...

She has a hell of
a body, doesn't she?

(chuckling)

Dad, that is not
what this evening was about.

This evening was about, uh,
taking a chance...

getting to know
a different sort of woman.

Turns out she's really
quite interesting.

Dinah-- she's working her way
through grad school.

She lives with her mother.

She's extremely well-read.

She even speaks
a couple of languages.

Mmm. It really makes you
wonder, doesn't it?

Yes, it does,
doesn't it?

Makes you wonder
about how eager we are

to judge a book by its cover.

How willing we are
to stereotype each other.

No, I mean it really
makes you wonder

what that mother looks like.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, Seattle!

We love you!