Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 2 - Father of the Bride - full transcript

Oh, hey, Frasier.

Hmm? Ah.

Ooh, catalogues.

Yes, I'm trying to find

the perfect wedding gift
for Daphne and Donny.

Oh, right.

Well, now that
they've set a date,

I guess I'll be getting
my bridesmaid draft notice.

You know, Roz,
she may not even ask you.

Oh, she'll ask me.

They all do.



Ah.

The next thing I know,

I'm wearing some revolting
puffy-sleeved dress

made from the same material
that keeps the space shuttle

from burning up during reentry.

You know, Roz,
Daphne might just surprise you

and pick a dress you like.

Oh, impossible.
They're always ugly.

That's the way
the bride makes sure

she's the prettiest one
at her wedding.

Gee, that's awfully
cynical.

Oh, yeah? When was the last time
you found yourself

staring at a bridesmaid
instead of the bride?

That would've been at
my wedding to Lilith.



Hello, Frasier.

Oh, Niles!

Frasier, do you remember
the time the Kriezel brothers

tied me to their Great Dane
and lobbed meatballs

down their gravel driveway?

I've told you, Niles,
I would've helped you,

but their sister
was holding me down.

No, my point is--

a cappuccino, please--

even that experience
was less painful

than the date
I was just on.

She was...

a cat person.

She brought her cat on our date.

Oh, Lord.

Well, she had good reason--
it was Mr. Waggles' birthday.

Oh, dear.

Actually,
his birthday party.

Oh.

Actually, his surprise
birthday party.

Oh, Niles,
I'm sorry.

Where on earth
did you meet this woman?

At Nordstroms. We both reached
for the same cashmere throw.

When she said
she needed something

to keep her waggles warm

I thought it was
a coy euphemism, but...

Thank you.

Yes. Well, Niles,

I certainly understand
your being upset,

but you know you've got
to keep on looking.

Well, trust me,
with Daphne getting married

I have no choice
but to press on.

But I'm going to change
my strategy.

Do you recall the other day
at the health club

Tony Hubner gave me
that phone number?

Dear God, Niles,
not a dating service.

No. It's not a dating service.

It's an introduction network
for busy professionals.

I give them
my vital statistics

and there's an extensive

screening process.

They bill me
at the end of the month.

Niles, please,

they are all
money-grabbing con artists

who prey on the pathetic
and the lonely.

For God's sake, you
sign up with visions

of some PhD candidate
and what do they deliver?

A buck-toothed librarian

who needs help
washing her mother.

Are you really
that desperate?

Half an hour ago,

I had my left leg tethered
to Mr. Waggles' forepaw

and we came in third
in the five-legged race.

Geez, you'd think they'd
let him win on his birthday.

I know, Mum, but
it is my wedding.

I've given in to you
on so many things.

Couldn't this one
thing go my way?

I just don't like
those tiny corns in me salad.

No, I don't hate you.

Well, that's just not true.

I'm glad you're alive.

All right, all right.

Tiny corn it is.

I've got to run now.

Cheery-bye.

(sighs)

That was Mum.

Mmm.

She had a thought
about the salad.

Something told me

yesterday's crouton skirmish
wasn't the end of it.

I suppose she can be
a bit overbearing,

but, as she often
points out,

she is paying
for the wedding,

and I am her
only daughter,

and giving birth to me
was so painful

she did bite through
a kitchen spoon.

Daphne...

just don't let your mother
guilt you

into having the wedding
that she wants

instead of the wedding you want.

Oh, don't worry.

Mum already
promised me

I could have the
wedding I want...

as soon as I have a daughter
who gets engaged.

Oh, hey, Dad.

Oh, Fras...

you're going to
love this stuff

I got from the
farmer's market.

This guy takes the
juiciest cut of filet mignon,

slices it real thin and
makes jerky out of it.

Oh, Dad,
I'm not really in...

Not bad, huh?

Yes, if only I had a nice
powdered cabernet to go with it.

Dad, listen...

have you given any thought

to Daphne's wedding present?

Oh, now, Frasier, not
everybody likes jerky

as much as you and me.

No, Dad...

No, no, I just want to
get her something special.

Especially since her mother
seems to be taking all the joy

out of it for her.

Oh, how about a nice
piece of luggage?

You know,
a good, hard suitcase,

like the kind people
used to put stickers on

to show everybody
where they'd been.

Remember your grandad's?

Mm-hmm.

His whole life
was on it.

Topeka, Sioux Falls,
Biloxi.

It was like a map
of the world.

Yes, what a loss to us all

that he failed
to write his memoirs.

I'm thinking of something
that would matter to Daphne.

(hiccuping): Something that shows
her how we feel-- good Lord.

A little spicy,
wasn't it?

You know, maybe we should get
something for her wedding.

Like what?

I don't know, uh...

the flowers, say.

That's it.

We could offer to pay
for her wedding flowers.

Wow, that's a bit pricey,
isn't it?

Don't worry
about it, Dad.

(hiccuping):
You just donate

what you can,
and I'll pay for the rest.

Good God, what was
in that jerky?

You just ate it too fast.

Next time,
you have to savor it a little.

Trust me, Dad, I'm never going
to taste that vile stuff again.

(hiccuping):
Oop. Spoke too soon.

Mmm...

Daphne, may I have a
word with you, please?

What is it, Dr. Crane?

Well...

it's about your
wedding gift.

Now...

I know it's not traditionally
the role of a friend,

but we consider you family

so please don't say no.

Dad and I would be honored
to pay for your wedding...

(hiccups)

Pay for my wedding?

(hiccups)

How wonderful!

(hiccuping)

That's the most generous gift
I could ever imagine!

What's all
the hubbub?

Dr. Crane just told me

about your incredible
wedding present!

Oh!

You people are heaven-sent.

Well, I'm glad
you like it and...

and you know what?

We're going to throw in

a piece of
luggage, as well.

I'm just so
overwhelmed.

See, I told you.

Everybody loves luggage.

Dad!

She thinks we're paying
for her whole wedding.

What?!

Well, I tried to say
"wedding flowers"

but then I hiccuped.

I'm not paying for a wedding.
Of course not.

I'll just clear this
whole thing right up

right now before it goes
any further. Daphne!

You know what this
means, don't you?

Now that Mum's
not paying,

she can't make me
have it in England.

I can have my wedding
how I want it

and where I want it right here.

You've answered my prayers.

(sobbing)

(doorbell rings)

DAPHNE:
Could someone let Donny in?

Oh, well, look...

Donny's a very
traditional guy.

He's not going to let us
pay for his wedding.

Right.

You saw how he proposed
to her-- on bended knee.

He's nothing if not
a hopeless romantic.

Any idiot knows you got to pay
a hooker in cash.

I'm in a meeting.
I'll call you later. Bye.

Hey, guys.
How you doing? Hi, Donny.

I got this client--
he's in the middle of a divorce, right?

And his wife
finds all these charges

from this place
called Executive Match.

Turns out to be
a call girl service.

Oh, boy,
when she gets through with him,

she'll have
his house, his car...

She'd have his beach house, too,
if I hadn't already taken it.

Women.

DONNY:
Hi, honey.

Hi, sweetie.

Have they
told you yet?

Uh... told me what?

You're not going
to believe this

but Dr. Crane
and his father

have offered to pay
for our entire wedding.

(weak chuckle)

Is this a joke?

It could be.

Just a minute.
Honey, it's one thing

for us
to let your family pay.

They're your parents
and it's traditional,

but this is...

Going too far?
Being presumptuous?

We don't want to
step on any toes.

I didn't think you'd be
uncomfortable with this.

But he clearly is,
Daphne.

Donny's right.
We're not family.

Absolutely.

You know, we've
got that thing....

Wait, wait a minute--
what am I doing?

Here you guys...

you're making
this lovely gesture

and I'm just insulting you.

No, no, no,
I mean, if you guys

are not family to Daphne,
then who is?

Of course you can pay
for the wedding.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, family.

I just knew he'd see how
much this meant to you.

Oh, God, I'm
tearing up again.

Don't start
with the waterworks

because you're going
to get me going here.

What is that, jerky?

Could I have
some of that?

Help yourself.

"Made from filet mignon."

How much did this stuff
set you back?

You have no idea.

Now, as far as
the reception goes

I've narrowed it down
to two places.

I'm leaning towards
Captain Jonah's.

The view of the water's lovely

but you have to walk through
a whale's mouth to get inside.

I hesitate to ask
how you exit.

Got to run.

I have a meeting
with the DJ.

(heavy sigh)

I thought she'd
never leave.

Well... good God, Roz.

How long have
you been there?

Since you two walked
in and trapped me.

Aren't you taking this thing
a bit too far

just trying to avoid
an unflattering dress?

Yeah, I thought
you'd say that.

That's why I've been
carrying around this picture

of the last time
I was a bridesmaid.

Good Lord, Roz, you look like
you've been tented for termites.

Exactly.

Well, it sounds like she's
having fun planning her wedding.

Yes, now that she can
have things her way

and not
her mother's.

She's lucky you came along.

Well, yes and no.

You know, I sit here
and let her make...

questionable choices...

and I say nothing because I know
it's going to cost me less.

I'm sorry.
You know what?

I've got to change my thinking
about this whole thing.

I mean, what good is my money

if I'm denying her the best gift
I have to offer--

my taste and expertise.

Frankly, what Daphne really
deserves is the gift of Frasier.

Suddenly that crock pot
I'm giving them

doesn't sound so bad.

Oh, shut up.

Hello, Niles.

You look like a man
who's waiting

to be asked
why he's grinning.

Oh, I was just thinkin'...

about the other day
when you said

how you thought dating services
were all a big con.

Well, I just got conned

into meeting
the most enchanting woman.

Well, I don't know
what to say.

And I owe it all
to Executive Match.

Now I do.

The name of this service
is Executive Match?

That's right. You thought
these women were all beneath me.

Beneath you and
countless others.

Do you have any idea...?

Shh. Here she is.

Sabrina, could...?

Oh, sorry.

She's always
on the phone.

Whatever it is
she does for a living,

she's in great demand.

So you have no idea
what line of work Sabrina's in?

No. I'm guessing
high-priced lawyer.

I heard her quote
her hourly rate on the phone.

Believe me,
you don't want to be

on the receiving end
of that bill.

(chuckling)

Niles...

I feel I must warn you...

oh, now, please

spare me your
condescending advice.

Why can't you simply
say you were wrong?

You have no idea
what you're doing.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

And you could learn
a thing or two from me,

Mr. One-date-and-it's-over.

I am taking it slow
with Sabrina.

You mean you
haven't...? Haven't...?

You know... haven't?
Haven't...?

Oh, please. Are you mad?

You don't proposition
a woman like that

on the first date.

Last night
after dinner

I dropped her home
with nothing more

than a courtly kiss
on the wrist.

Tonight may proceed
to hand-holding.

And if all goes well,
in two weeks,

I shall storm the citadel
of her womanhood.

Mmm... Sabrina...

(chuckling)

This is Frasier.

Hello. Lovely
to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

You really have a great brother.

Oh, he's charming
and witty

and intelligent
and handsome.

(chuckling)

I paid her to say that.

Of course you did.

(doorbell rings)

Ah, finally,
the doves have arrived.

Come in. Come in.

Lazlo, thank you
so much for coming.

Lovely flowers.

I'll let you know.

Dr. Crane, was that
the florist for my wedding?

In his dreams!

Good God.

The man's arrangements
are one big cliche.

Look at this.

His answer to everything
is baby's breath,

baby's breath,
baby's breath.

Does that woman with the harp

have something to do
with my wedding, too?

No, Daphne,
she's selling them door-to-door.

Of course it's
for your wedding.

She's auditioning.

Dr. Crane, I really
don't think...

MARTIN:
Oh, good, Daphne. You're here, too.

Listen, I want to show
you guys a little something

I thought up
for the wedding.

"It is now the time
in the ceremony for the rings.

May I have them,
please?"

'Course, it's
a lot more effective

when he's in his little tux.

Dad, please.

It's all just
a bit much, isn't it?

We don't want to turn
this wedding into a circus.

Now, where's the dove man?

Dr. Crane, about
the doves...

Just picture it, Daphne.

Aren't they
something?

As you and Donny
exit the church,

one dozen white
birds of peace

will be released
and circle above.

Of course, we'll
use 14, actually.

The power lines
always take out a few.

Thank you so much.

Dr. Crane,

about the doves,

it just seems a little grand.

I mean, what's wrong
with throwing a bit of rice?

Oh, well, uh,
if you want rice,

of course,
you'll have rice.

Sometimes it seems
nothing I do is good enough.

No, no, no.

I-I suppose doves
will be fine.

Frasier, is that Reverend
Franklin in the kitchen?

Yes, it is, Dad.

You're auditioning our minister
for the wedding?

Don't you think Donny and I

should have a say
in who marries us?

Of course, Daphne.

I'm just whittling down
the possibilities.

The final choice
is yours.

Who's tasting
the first course?

Oh, that'd be me.

Who's that?

That's Chef Marco
from the Mercer Club, Daphne.

Today we'll be sampling
each of our four courses.

No.

I was planning
on serving a buffet.

That way, people can mingle.

It's more festive.

(doorbell rings)

Daphne, we are talking
about your wedding,

not brunch with all the fixin's

at Billy Bob's
Blackjack Boomtown.

Ah.

Hello, Frasier.
You remember Sabrina.

Yes, of course.
Lovely to see you.

Niles, what are
you doing here?

Oh, we're out for an afternoon
of bird watching.

It's the start
of mating season, you know.

Just wanted to introduce
my new girlfriend to Dad.

Dad, this is Sabrina.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

I should really
call my office.

About how long do you
think we'll be gone?

Uh, about eight hours.

Great.

Ooh, Daphne, I didn't know
you were going to be here.

I just want to drop these off
for Frasier.

Oh, Roz, I'm glad
you dropped by.

I need to talk to you
about my wedding.

Do you mind if we speak
in the hallway?

Actually, I don't
have much time.

Well, then, I'll
get right to it.

Excuse me. Do you know
where Dr. Crane lives?

Right here.
Can I help you?

I'm dropping off
this bridesmaid's dress.

Oh, I'll take that.

I'm the bride.
Thanks.

What I need to ask
you is, how do you

ever get Dr. Crane
to listen to you?

Is that
the bridesmaid dress?

He's driving
me mad.

He doesn't listen
to anything I say.

The women you asked to be
bridesmaids get to wear this?

And the worst
part is...

is that silk?
Well, he's just

like my mother--
controlling and stubborn.

I mean, what am I going to do?

Well, Daphne,
it's your wedding.

Just tell Frasier
how you feel.

Well, that's
a bit difficult for me.

You see, there was
no talking to my mother.

Anytime I so much as tried,
all I'd hear is,

"Just do it my way.

You'll thank me later."

Every time she said that,
I just wanted to explode.

Look, Frasier's
a reasonable guy.

Just go in there
and be direct.

You're right.

I'm going to.

Oh, and Roz...

I was going to ask you

if you wanted to be
one of me bridesmaids.

Oh, my God!

Are you serious?!

Yes.

Oh, this is coming
out of nowhere.

I'd love to!

Oh, great.

And don't worry.

Once I'm in charge,
you won't have to wear

this thing Dr. Crane
picked out.

I mean, he calls this
a bridesmaid's dress.

The sleeves aren't even poofy.

So, how long have you guys
been seeing each other?

Well, let's see,
since we've met,

it's been about, uh, 17...
no, 18 hours.

She actually counts
the minutes

we've been together.

FRASIER:
Niles...

may I see you in the kitchen?

Excuse me.

Dr. Crane, I need
to talk to you.

Not now, Daphne.

All right.

All right, what is it?

Niles, it's
about Sabrina.

She's a prostitute.

Frasier, I don't like lawyers
any more than you do.

But frankly,
a man whose face

is plastered
on every bus in town

should be careful what terms
he bandies about.

Oh, Niles, Niles!

Executive Match
is an escort service.

One of Donny's clients
was caught using them.

I don't believe you.

Niles, does Sabrina laugh

at everything
you say?

Is she fascinated by
everything about you?

Even your collections?

Well, yes... actually.

I even showed her
my rarely seen collection

of 18th century
Portuguese bud vases.

And how did she react?

Well, if you must know,
she was rather aroused.

She said she loved a man
who collected porcelain,

and, oh, my God!

I'm dating a whore.

They have
my credit card number.

I've been running up a tab.

I've got to get her
out of here!

Sabrina, we
should be going.

What's the hurry?

We're having a
nice conversation.

Yeah. I love your dad.

Did he mention
he used to be a police officer.

Maybe we should go.

Surely you can
stay a little while.

I... I haven't
seen Niles in ages.

I used to teach him
in Sunday school.

Oh, you know,
Reverend,

I can still remember
dropping him off

for his first class.

Seems like only yesterday.

(harp playing)

Oh, Daphne, I believe
I have chosen your bouquet.

It's handwoven
out of pygmy orchids.

Dr. Crane, I really
need to talk to you.

Well, of course.

First, let's sit

and sample the
porcini mushrooms.

They're exquisite.

But I don't like mushrooms.

Oh, you only think you don't.

You haven't tried these. Here.

Dr. Crane, this is really
difficult for me.

Just try this for me.

Come on. You'll
thank me later.

"You'll thank me later"?

I've heard that my whole life.

Well, no more.

I'm doing my wedding my way,

and if that means
I want rice instead of doves

and a DJ instead of a harp,
then that's what I'll have.

I don't want your advice!

I don't want your money!

And I don't want
your mushrooms!

I'm in charge of
this wedding now.

And what kind of a git
walks down the aisle

carrying something
called pygmy orchids?!

(gasps)

(harp playing "Wedding March")

Is she all right?

She's fine.

We had a nice talk.

That's good.

Wedding still on track?

Absolutely.

You just got a little
carried away, that's all.

Oh, I guess so,
yeah.

You know, it suddenly
occurred to me

when I was talking to Daphne
that...

I never really got the wedding
of my dreams, either.

Oh, sure,
you know,

my first one,
some little clandestine affair.

We dashed off to City Hall.

Could hardly imagine a wedding
more lacking in ceremony

till my second wedding...

which was lacking a bride.

And then came Lilith.

If I knew then what I know now,

I would have walked down the
aisle with the ice sculpture,

had her stand by the buffet
table to keep the shrimp cold.

Oh, so you had
a few bad weddings.

Guess I was just taking
my last best shot

at the wedding
I will never have for myself.

Oh, come on.

Oh, let's
face it, Dad--

I'm no
spring chicken.

You really see me
getting married again?

Well... I guess
I've had my doubts,

but right here, right now,

I think yeah, you're going
to meet someone.

You really think so?

Yes, I do.

And I'll tell you why.

If Niles can meet
a great gal like Sabrina,

then there's hope for all of us.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, everybody!