Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 1 - Momma Mia - full transcript

This is exactly
why I hate fix-ups.

She's not coming.

Just give her
a few more minutes.

Come on,
tell me about the cabin.

Oh, all right.
Uh...

Well, Mom and Dad used

to take us up there
when we were kids.

Niles and I thought

it might be a nice birthday gift
for Dad

if we took him
up there again.

Oh, this is ridiculous.



I'm being stood up
on a blind date.

I'm pathetic.

You are so insecure.

God, where does that come from?

Jessica will be here.

"Jessica"? I thought you said
her name was "Jennifer." Jennifer?

Jennifer goes out
with a weatherman.

She's way out of your league.

Look, let me have
your cell phone.

I'll call her
and see what's going on.

Frasier?

Oh, I'm sorry, Roz.

The most striking woman
just came in.

Well, it's probably Jessica.



No, no, no,
it's not Jessica.

She's with a man.

God, I don't know
what it is about her.

I can't take my eyes
off of her.

Do you suppose they're a couple?

No, no-- don't...!

I'll tell you what--
you have to go

over there for me and find out.

What? You owe me.
Come on.

All right, it's that table
right by the counter.

Go on.
Oh, all right.

(whispering loudly):
No, Roz, Roz.

That's the wrong table.

Excuse me.

I know this is
a little weird,

but my friend over there thinks
you're really, really cute.

He wanted to know if
you two were on a date.

"A date"? Oh, no,
Hank and I are just friends.

ROZ:
Oh, that's good news.

That's really
good news.

Hi, Hank.

I'm Roz Doyle.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh...

I suppose you noticed I-I
was staring at your table,

and I was just, uh,
wondering if, um...

that gentlemen you're with,
i-is he your husband?

Oh, no.

Oh. Uh, boyfriend?

No.

Oh, wonderful.

Would you like me
to introduce you?

He just broke up
with someone.

No, no-no-no, uh...

no, I-I was, uh...
I was staring at you.

You were?

Yes.

Gosh, I know this may
seem awfully bold of me.

I-I'm not the sort of man

who hits on every
woman he sees... Excuse me.

Hi, um, your friend said
you wanted to know

if I was single.

It's okay-- you don't
have to be embarrassed.

Yes, he does.

(chuckling):
No.

There's been
a little mistake.

You see, I asked my friend

to approach
this lovely woman,

and she obviously mistook you
for the woman I meant.

Well, that's certainly
understandable,

seeing as you're lovely
as well.

You see, it's just that
at this moment, that's...

Well, I'm, uh...
many apologies.

(chuckling)

Gosh, I'm sorry.

Let me start again.

I'm Frasier Crane.

Oh, you're Frasier.

Oh. Hi. I'm Jessica,
Roz's friend.

Jessica.

Roz thought

we might hit it off.

Indeed, we might have,
you see, if not for the fact

that I've-I've just met
this, uh, woman

to whom I'd be glad
to introduce you,

except I-I don't know
what her name is yet, so, uh...

You know,
Roz could explain all this.

Uh, she's sitting over there
next to that scowling woman.

(chuckles awkwardly)

Gosh, you know,
you must think

I'm some sort of
a smooth operator.

No, not really.

Ah.

I-I really am...
terribly sorry, uh...

I'm Mia,
Mia Preston.

Mia...
Mia Preston?

The children's
book author?

Yes.
Oh, my goodness.

Panda in the Parlor?

Oh, wow, I love that book.

I've read it a hundred times.

I'm impressed.

Most of my readers
can't even count that high.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, I-I used to read it to my son.

You know, many is
the quart of milk

we poured in the backyard

waiting for the
Oreo tree to grow.

Gosh, you know, I'd...

I'd love to take you
to lunch sometime.

Lunch? Um...

Well, all right, coffee?

Anything. I-I'd just like a
chance to get to know you better.

Well, I... okay.

You're certainly persistent.

Well, a wise woman
once wrote,

"No cookie jar
is up too high

for a panda who
will try and try."

(chuckling)

(chuckles nervously)

Now you're scaring me.

(door opens)

MARTIN:
Hey, Daph.

I see you're wearing
your buffet pants.

They're hip waders.

I'm breaking them in
for the weekend.

Where's Fras?

He's probably off somewhere
with that Mia.

Oh, yeah, seems to be
getting serious, huh?

You know, it's funny,
you can always tell.

Starts using French words
for no reason.

Yeah, and that laugh,
the giddy one.

(both imitate giddy laugh)

FRASIER:
After you, Niles.

Thank you.

Hello, all.

Well, there's
afaux pasaverted.

I almost wore
my big rubber pants today.

They're for the trip.

I'm nearly done packing.

I've just got to get my
fly vest and my tackle box

and there's
one more thing.

Well, we're taking off
in a few hours, sodepeche-toi.

Oh, yeah, earplugs
for the car ride up-- thank you.

Oh, uh, Dad,
don't forget

to pack some
sturdy knee socks.

I should get some for myself.

You remember
the insect situation

at the cabin.

Good Lord, Niles,

not this bug phobia
of yours.

It's not a phobia.

The mosquitoes up there
are huge.

My first summer, I was chased
off the end of the dock

by one the size of a pelican.

So, Dr. Crane,
when do we finally get to meet

this new girlfriend of yours?
Oh, Mia.

Well, she's on her way
over here right now.

She says she's gonna take me
out to buy some new trousers.

You see,
this new diet she's got me on...

I've lost my love handles...
just when I needed them most.

(laughing giddily)

So, Niles, Niles,
you got those movies?

Shh. Yes. Here they are.
Thank you.

Movies?

Yes, shh.
Shh-shh-shh.

For Dad's birthday.

We had some
of his old home movies

transferred to videotape.

God, you know, I haven't
seen these in years.

You know, Daphne, it's gonna
be quite a hoot this weekend.

You sure you don't
want to join us?

(doorbell rings)
Gutting fish, watching home movies

and hosing down
your father's pants...

It does sound tempting.

(laughing)

Oh...

Hi, honey.

Hi, Mia.

Hi.

Gosh, come on in.
Come on in.

This is
Daphne Moon.

And that's
my brother, Niles.

Oh, it's great
to finally meet you two.

DAPHNE:
Likewise.

So, what do you
got there?

Oh, I baked some
fat-free goodies

for your trip.

Oh.
Where's the kitchen?

Oh, right this way.

And there's a
ton of muffins,

if anybody
wants one.

Oh, uh, not for me.

I have some problems
with allergies.

Really? Well, these are just
wheat germ, oat bran and carob.

Oh, well,
throw in a sea scallop,

you can call the paramedics
right now.

She seems nice,
doesn't she?

You all right,
Dr. Crane?

I'm sorry, Daphne,
it's just that...

Mia looks exactly
like our mother.

Mrs. Crane?

I've only seen photos,
mind, but

now that you mention it,
there is a resemblance.

No, it's not just
a resemblance.

She is the spitting image.

I'm... I'm shocked
Frasier didn't mention it.

So, what do you
think of her?

Oh...

she's wonderful,
but, Frasier...

Hmm?

Does she remind
you of anyone?

Oh, you noticed that, too?
Are you kidding?

From the minute
I laid eyes on her.

Even I can see it.

Really? Well, she does
look a bit like Roz,

but she's a totally
different person.

You know,

in fact,
our relationship is unlike

any I've ever had before.

Come on, handsome.

Let's go buy you some pants.
Ooh, okay.

Oh, wow... look at this.

I don't believe it.

Nothing's changed.

Niles?

Wow, I don't believe it.

Look at this, nothing's changed.

It's character, Niles.

Look at this fireplace.

Ah, your mom and I
used to sit

in front of the fire here
holding hands.

And I wonder if that...

Oh, yep, it's still here--

that graffiti that you
scratched into the floor.

That's not graffiti, Dad.

That's a Latin pun:
"Semper ubi sub ubi--"

"Always where under where."

(horn honking)

Oh, that'll be
Frasier and Mia.

Yeah. I was
really surprised

he brought her here
for the weekend.

What's she like, anyway?

Uh, well...

she made quite an impression
on me.

I'm curious to see
what you'll think.

Dad.

Would you hand me
that valise?

I want to put on
some bug repellent.

Oh, sure.
Ooh, it's kind of heavy.

What do you got in there?

Bug repellent.

(spraying continues)

Hello, Niles.

Hey, Frasier.

Honey, you stay out there
as long as you like!

She can't take her eyes
off that sunset.

Is everything
all set here?

Yes, I just want to make sure

this VCR works for our
little home movies later. Right.

Check.
Splendid.

Ooh, Niles, you know what,
we're going to need

some more logs
from the woodpile.

Come give me a hand.

Uh, all right.

Oh, Fras! Isn't
it great to be back here?

You know,
I want to thank you guys.

This is some gift.

You're
welcome, Dad.

Listen, if you're
enjoying this little trip

down memory lane, wait
till you see the other

blast from the past
we brought up here.

Shh, shh, shh.
Come on, come on.

Martin?

Hi.

It's Mia.

Oh, my gosh, Frasier did
tell you I was coming,

didn't he?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
of course he did.

Yeah, well,
nice meeting you.

It's very nice
to meet you.

Well, it's
so beautiful here.

Well, I'm glad you like it.

Are you kidding?

I feel like I'm in heaven.

I'm starting to feel
that way myself.

Well, nice going, Niles!

What happened?

Niles dropped a huge log

right onto my hand

when he was startled
by a moth.

(laughs softly)

It was not a moth.

It was a bat.

I could tell from that
eerie, high-pitched scream.

That was you!

You know, frankly, I wish you'd
start seeing someone

about this bug
phobia of yours.

It is not a phobia.

I have a healthy fear
of our natural predators.

It's us versus them,
and frankly,

I'm starting to wonder
just whose side you're on.

It just amazes me that
a good psychiatrist

can be so blind to
something so obvious.

Oh, honey,
your poor thumb.

We should go put
something on that.

Well, okay.

God,

she looks just like your mother.

I know, and Frasier
doesn't see it.

You're kidding.

No, and he has the gall
to tell me I'm blind.

He's clearly the one dealing
with repressed material,

not to mention the obvious
oedipal issues.

Argle gargle, google goo.

What?

Now you know how it feels.

What are you talking about?!

I'm talking about
Freud's theory

of the Oedipus complex.

He believed that every man
subconsciously

wants to sleep with his mother
and kill his father.

It's modeled on the Greek
tragedy of Oedipus,

who actually did sleep with his
mother and kill his father.

And when he realized
what he'd done,

he gouged out both his eyes.

Hmm. Probably not too tough
to pick that guy out of lineup.

Oh, why don't we just send out
engraved invitations

for all the bugs of the forest?

But the question is,

how do we bring it
to Frasier's attention?

We don't.

Dad, denial of this magnitude
is not healthy.

It's for his own good.
No, Niles.

Okay, it's for my own good.

Come on, after the way he wagged
his finger at me,

you can't expect I'm just gonna
be quiet about this.

Look, the last thing I want
on my birthday weekend

is some big, long,
drawn-out argument

between you two, all right?

Now, let's just
chill this beer

that we brought,
all right?

And just put all these
weird thoughts

out of our minds.
Fine.

Oh, sorry, Dad.

Uh, come on, hon, let's go see
if our room still has that...

big, creaky, old pine bed

that Mom and Dad
used to sleep in.

Ah, yeah, there she is!

Well, I guess a warm one
wouldn't kill us.

(liquid pouring)

MARTIN:
Boy, being in this place

really takes me back.

Hey, remember
that summer

I tried to teach you
boys how to fish?

You just didn't
have the knack,

so I went out,

and I bought these two big trout

and snuck them on the boat.

Oh, Marty, you're terrible.
Oh, yeah.

And then I put the
trout on their hooks,

and I dropped them
over the side,

while you two were still arguing
about the last Dramamine.

I felt bad about
fooling you,

but, hell, what's the harm
of a little fantasy

if it makes you feel good?

More wine?
Oh, thanks, hon.

Frasier, you've
hardly touched

your chicken.

Is something wrong?

Oh, no, no.
It's just that...

well, I'm having a little
trouble holding the knife

because someone dropped a log
on my thumb.

Oh, it didn't hurt you
that badly.

You are such a baby.

You are a baby--
running and screaming

because of a little moth.

I told you that was a bat.
It was not a bat!

All right, boys, that's enough!
Not at the table.

Your father's right.

Now, Frasier, if your
hand's hurting you,

I'll cut your meat for you.

Well, all right.

There.

You know, Niles,
not to dwell on this,

but, you know, I could
give you the number

of a man who specializes
in bug phobias.

Oh, is that so? Frankly, while
you're at it,

I think
you should talk to him

about your compulsive
chair-dusting.

I believe that is related.

Frasier.

Well, I'm sorry, Dad.

I think a good psychiatrist
should be self-aware.

Open wide.

So, you're saying
I lack self-awareness?

Why don't we change the subject,
all right?

This is a great meal, Mia.

Thank you.
It certainly was.

Frasier, when it comes
to girlfriends,

you've certainly struck
the mother lode.

Niles!

FRASIER:
You haven't even

read her books yet, Dad.

It's a delightful series

about an adventurous
little panda.

Sounds worthy
of Mother Goose.

Uh, so, uh...

what's coming up next
for you, Mia?

Well, I'll have to swear you
to secrecy. All right.

It looks like that panda

might just find
its way into the attic.

Oh, yes, mum's the word.

Oh, sorry, Niles.

Could you, uh, maybe
come into the kitchen,

and I'll, uh,

I'll just, uh, help
you get dried off.

All right?
Yes, of course.

Oh, dear, it looks like these
pants may have to be re-pressed.

What the hell's
the matter with you?

Oh, I am sorry, Dad.

You can't expect me

to let him sit there
in his booster seat

and tell me I lack
self-awareness.

He's going to pick up
on what you're saying.

You want the whole thing
to blow up?

Dad, this level of
denial is unhealthy.

We're not in denial!

Everything's perfect!

This is the best birthday
I've ever had!

Oh.

Oh, hi.

I'm sorry.

I know it's early,
but, um, I'm exhausted.

Oh, Mia,
well, you go.

You hit the sack.
Thanks for dinner.

Delicious.
We'll wash the dishes.

Thank you.

I'll be along
in a minute.

Um, Frasier...
Yes?

Before you turn in, there's
a little something

we need to deal with.

Oh, geez.

Oh, right, Dad,
your birthday gift.

Oh, yes, my gift!
It's my gift.

I want to open my gift,
all right?

It's my birthday
this weekend, right?

Come on, Niles,
it'll be fun.

Oh, yes, fine.

Oh, come on.

Seeing you and me,
Dad and Mom.

You know,
I'm getting more excited

by the second.

Yeah, come on.

Oh, okay, Dad, now listen.

You sit right here,
all right?

Oh, okay.

What is it,
some kind of movie?

Oh, that's right.

Here we go.

All right.

MARTIN:
Oh, my old home movies.

I haven't seen these
for 20 years.

FRASIER:
Well, happy birthday, Dad.

Now you can watch them
whenever you like.

MARTIN:
Oh!

Isn't it just
the reaction

you were hoping for?

One of them.

Oh, dear God.

Do you two see what I see?

My God, they could be twins.

Frasier,
take it easy.

You do see it.

How could you miss it?

How could I miss it?

Just, uh, you
calm him down,

and I'll go get him
a drink of water. All right.

Oh, my God.
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier.

The important thing

is not to blow this
out of proportion.

After all...

What was that,
a hummingbird?

(panting)

What is the matter with me?

Frasier, you didn't
do anything wrong.

Your feelings for Mia

stem from perfectly
natural oedipal desires.

Yes, but oedipal desires

are supposed to resolve
themselves by the age of six.

Oh, for God's sake,
give me that, you idiot.

(screams)

I blinded myself.

I leave you alone with him
for two seconds...

No, no, no, Dad.

Here, Frasier,
are you all right?

Oh, God.
Here, here, wipe your eyes.

(weeping):
I'll be all right.

Just let me, uh...
here...

Just let me try to calm down
a little bit.

She's... she's not my mother.

Frasier.
Hmm?

Time for bed.

(door closes)

Hello.

You wanted to see me?

I hope I wasn't rushing you.

No, no.

It is bedtime.

Are you okay, sweetie?

I mean, you seem a little tense.

No, no, no, no.

I just need to, uh,
calm down a little bit.

Here, just let me, uh--
here, ah, yeah...

See, that's better.

Honey, it seems
like you're in pain.

(gasps)
Oh, it's your hand.

Yes, yes, that's it, yeah.

Well, I know what
the problem is there.

I never kissed your
little boo-boo.

(gasps)

We don't want these
other fingers

to be jealous, do we?

(gasps)

I...

Oh, Frasier, honey.

Please, tell me
what's wrong.

What's bothering you?

I'm sorry, I-I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I'm just having a little trouble
getting comfortable.

Well, was it
something I did?

Something I said
at dinner? What?

Okay, okay.

Gosh, this is awkward.
Uh...

I've just realized

that you bear a striking
resemblance to my mother.

But you just
noticed it now?

Yes.

Well, it can't be

that strong of a
resemblance, then,

can it?

That strong, huh?

Well, listen, I hope
you can get over it,

because I think we have a
pretty great thing going here.

Don't you?

Yes.

We have loads in common.

We get along great.
Mm-hmm.

And don't you want to
stick around long enough

to see how that naughty panda
gets out of the attic?

Oh, I do, yes.

(chuckling):
God, you're right.

You know,
just talking about this

makes me feel much better.

Good.

Oh, gosh,
you're not my mother. No.

This is ridiculous.

Mm-hmm.

So, you're okay?

I'm okay.

(both moan)

I'm better than okay.

Okay, then.

(car horn honks)

Oh, well, there's
your cab.

Take care of yourself.
Yeah.

I'm sorry this is so awkward.

No, really, it's fine.

Okay.
Okay.

Here we go.

Sorry.

(groans)

I take it that
cab was for Mia.

Yeah.

You know, I tried to get
past it, but I just couldn't.

I'm sorry, son.

Yeah, me,
too, Frasier.

Well, I won't be getting
much sleep tonight.

Yeah, I'm up, too.

I won't be getting a
wink of sleep, either,

the way those crickets
are raging.

Niles...

why don't you get us all
a nice, big brandy.

Yeah.

Now, don't make too
much of this, Frasier.

So you picked a woman who looked
like your mother. So what?

Like her would have been fine,
Dad.

I'm not talking
about a similar hairdo

or the same crooked smile.

I was dating a replicant.

Now, Frasier, I know
you're going to go crazy

convincing yourself
that you've got

some big complex,

but couldn't it be
simpler than that?

Maybe you just
miss your mother.

I know I do.

I do think about her a lot.

We all do.
Yeah.

Thanks, Niles.
You're welcome.

Thank you.
Mmm.

Hey, I think we've talked about
all this enough for one night.

So, this is still my birthday,

I want to watch the rest
of my movies. Ooh.

That's a great idea, Dad.

Check.
(chuckles)

NILES:
Well, there certainly

are a lot of
us fighting.

(chuckles)

You know, Dad,

I wish there were
more shots of you in it.

Oh, no, no.
I liked being the cameraman.

I got to focus
on the things I liked.

(chuckling)

(chuckles)

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Quite stylish ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.