Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 17 - Whine Club - full transcript

How's your coffee?

Oh, good. Good.

Yours?

Very nice.

That's good.

Marty... we have no reason
to be uncomfortable.

We're two consenting adults.

What about your husband?
He never consented.

Stan loved you, Martin,
and he loved me.

If anything,
he's up in heaven right now

watching us and smiling.



You don't think he was watching
the whole time, do you?

Not if heaven gets ESPN.

Come on, now,
stop feeling guilty.

Okay.

Hello, Dad!

Oh, Fras!

You remember Claire
Wojadubakowski?

Yes, of course.

Hello,
Mrs. Wojadubakowski.

Good to see
you again.

Gosh, I'm sorry again
about your loss.

Oh, thank you.

FRASIER: He was a good man,
your husband.

Dad's often said
if it weren't for Stan,



he wouldn't have made it
through the academy.

Isn't that right?
That's right.

And didn't he lend you
the money for you first car?

Yeah... yeah,
he did.

Of course,
we all owe him

for introducing Dad
to Mom.

Oh, God...

You know, Marty,
I think we'd better go.

Oh, of course.

Well, Claire, it was lovely
seeing you again.

Uh, please give my regards
to your son, Martin.

Oh, God...

Oh, hi, Roz.

Hey, Frasier.
Why don't you join me?

Well, aren't you
here with Niles?

No. Actually, I haven't been
seeing much of Niles lately.

He spends all his time with Mel.

Uh...

Well, that's what happens at
the beginning of relationships.

Can I have a decaf latte,
please?

Yes, and I'll have my usual.
Thank you.

Gosh, I do hope he hasn't
forgotten me completely.

We have wine club
tonight.

I'm sort of counting
on him

to help me
become Corkmaster.

But you'll still keep
your secret identity

as Frasier
Crane, right?

Corkmaster is the most
prestigious position

in our club.

If elected, I plan to have
vertical tastings

and guest speakers,
perhaps even a trip to Portugal

where some of the world's
finest corks come from.

I wish I had a cork right now.

That's very funny, Roz.

Anyway, I do hope
Niles shows up.

You know, Mel has a way
of making him

change his mind
at the last minute.

You know, I think
she's a bit manipulative.

Based on what?

Well... I don't know, a feeling.

So you really don't
know her that well?

That's true.

You know,
I really haven't given her

much of a chance, I suppose.

Well, I suppose
I could put together a...

a little
get-to-know-you event--

a-a Sunday brunch,
perhaps.

There you go.
Yes, that's a good idea, Roz.

Of course, I don't want
to make it seem

like she's under
the family microscope.

You know, maybe
you could come along.

Oh, I guess I could.

Great!

Oh, and by Sunday,
you'll be Corkman.

Corkmaster.
Thank you, Roz.

Actually, I won't know

until after the election
tonight,

but you know,
I'll let you know.

Or I could just look up
in the sky for the cork signal.

Very amusing, Roz.

If you win, I'd love a
ride in the Corkmobile.

All right, Roz!

(knocking on door)
MEL: Niles?

Oh, don't you look
dashing!

I brought you a nice bottle
of Cheval Blanc...

Oh! ...to impress
the wine club.

Mrs. Briggs gave it to me
as a thank-you

after her last face lift.

61? I don't believe it!

Yes, that's what they're saying
about Mrs. Briggs.

Oh, this is the
perfect occasion

for me to bring
this wine.

We're electing a new
president tonight.

Oh?
Yes.

And I promised
Frasier I'd nominate him.

Oh, did I mention
brunch at Frasier's tomorrow?

Oh, yes, darling.

Well, I'm so happy
my rare and expensive bottle

will benefit your brother.

Oh, that tie's all wrong.
Let me?

Yes, of course,
of course.

Yes, well, uh,
ever since the day

he joined the
wine club,

Frasier's dreamed
of becoming Corkmaster.

Oh...

good choice.

I think it's wonderful--
I really do--

helping your brother win
this prestigious post.

Well, Frasier deserves it.

Because, uh, he knows more
about wine than you do.

I wouldn't say that.

Well, he's probably been
in the club longer.

No, actually,
I sponsored his membership.

Oh! Well, so you've
never wanted

that honor for yourself?

I wouldn't say never.

Who hasn't nursed
the dream

of one day becoming
Corkmaster?

Well, I'm sure Frasier
at least asked

if you were interested.

Well, now that you mention it,
no, he didn't.

Oh.

And you don't
resent it?

Well... you see,
that's why I love you.

Because most
people would.

I would... bitterly,
but then, I'm not you,

and I don't know
what's best for you.

And now the jacket's wrong.

You think I should
call him on this?

Oh, please, the last
thing I want to do

is come between you
and your brother.

He knows perfectly well
how much I've coveted this post.

I distinctly confided
my aspirations to him

the night Judge Rivington
fell off the ferry

after the spring tasting.

Well, I'm sure
he just forgot.

No, no, don't
defend him.

Here.

He's always putting
himself first,

and I always let him.

Why, Niles?

Oh, I don't know.

I think perhaps
it's because...

I'll tell you why.

Because you can't
see yourself

for what you really are.

You are a powerful...

sexy...

dynamic colossus
of a man.

In other words...

the perfect Corkmaster.

I am, aren't I?

Don't let anyone...

anyone ever take that
away from you.

And now that's all
I'm going to say,

because I love you

and I don't
want to meddle.

FRASIER:
Oh, Niles, finally you're here!

Sorry I'm late.
No, that's all right.

It's just that the nominations
are about to begin.

Now, look, here's
what I thought we would do:

After you nominate me,

I will demure modestly
for a moment

and then I'll say
something like...

I want to be Corkmaster.

Well, that's a bit artless,
don't you think?

No, no. I want
to be Corkmaster, too.

I covet this post
as much as you do.

I always have, and I think
I deserve a shot at it.

But, Niles, I've been
campaigning for this all week.

I was counting on
you to nominate me.

And I will.

I'm just hoping
that you'll return the favor...

unless, that is, you're afraid
of a little competition.

(silverware tapping glass)
May I have your attention?

My friends,
as outgoing Corkmaster,

I would like to thank
those of you who stuck with me

during the ugly days
of Spritzergate.

But the time
has come

to pass the tasting cup.

Are there any nominations?

Niles?

It is an honor
and a privilege

to nominate my brother,
Frasier Crane.

Fine.

Any others?

Yes. I would like
to, uh, reciprocate

and nominate...
my brother,

Niles Crane.

CORKMASTER:
Oh. Well done.

And are there any
further nominations?

Well, then, um...

a show of hands, please,

for those in favor
of Frasier Crane.

One, two, three,
four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine,
ten, 11, 12, 13...

14.

And those in favor
of Niles Crane.

One, two, three,
four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, 11, 12, 13.

Oh! 14.

(chuckling):
Oh, a tie.

If only our venerable founder
Virgil Hefflewhite

were here to guide us.

VIRGIL:
I'm over here!

Oh, sorry, Virgil.
I didn't see you.

So, uh, what is
the procedure?

Blind taste-off.
Five bottles.

(spitting)

FRASIER:
Oh, for God's sake, Niles!

That wine spent less time
in the bottle.

All right,
gentlemen,

you have correctly identified
the first three wines.

Let's see if number four
can break the tie.

Niles?

It was ripe, round
and thoroughly seductive.

I said... Australian Shiraz.

Uh-huh. And Frasier,
what did you think?

Well, contrary to my brother,

I thought it was dark,
dusky and supple...

but I also said
Australian Shiraz.

You're both right!

We're still tied.

Well, Niles...

it's the moment of truth.

Don't choke.

Please. Prepare
to be stomped

like a late-harvest
Gewurztraminer.

Gentlemen?

It was jammy, plummy,
dense and chewy.

There is no doubt in my mind

that it was
a Napa Valley Merlot.

(all gasp)

And you, Frasier?

A nice, big wine
with excellent heft.

It's Napa, all right,
but as I always say,

"Why go Merlot
when you can call a cab?"

Well...

I thought this bottle
might trip you up.

Gentlemen, it's actually a blend
of 45% cabernet...

And...?

And 55% Merlot!

Niles wins
by ten percent!

Well, Niles,
congratulations.

Obviously, the better
man won, and...

Frasier, please.

No, Niles,
don't be modest.

No, I wasn't.

They're starting
my inauguration.

ALL:
♪ Hail Corkmaster ♪

♪ The master of the cork ♪

♪ He knows which wine goes
with fish or pork ♪

♪ Hail Corkmaster,
the master of the cork... ♪

The whole purpose of this brunch
is to get to know Mel better,

but it irks the hell out of me

preparing a-a sumptuous brunch
for Niles

after the way he betrayed me
at the wine club.

Oh, would you shut up
about that Corkmaster thing?

I already hate you for putting
that song in my head.

(hushed):
Okay, it's all clear.

Thanks for dropping
off my Tupperware.

Oh, oh, it's
no trouble at all.

I was headed out
to church this morning...

...and I thought,
"Oh, Marty's right on the way."

What's the matter with us?
Oh, Martin,

we have done nothing wrong.

I mean, maybe we were
a little impetuous,

but that's no crime.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Well, listen,
thanks for dropping by,

and-and I'll
call you.

Mrs. Wojadubakowski.

Yeah, look who
just got here!

Come on in.
How are you?

Fine, fine.

I didn't even hear
the doorbell ring.

What brings you here?

Oh, she just, uh, brought me
back my chili bowl.

Oh.

Well, thanks a lot,
and I'll see you later.

No, Dad, where
are your manners?

Why don't you join us
for brunch, Claire?

I insist.

I'm not sure that we'll be able
to give you a treat

as spicy as the one
that Dad gave you, but...

Yes, he does make
very good chili.

FRASIER:
Isn't that flattering, Dad?

You know, I think
someone wants seconds.

Uh, Fras, could I see you

in the kitchen
for a minute?

Yes, of course.

Uh, Claire, you'll
make yourself at home.

(chuckles)

Oh, splendid idea, Roz--
Bloody Marys.

You know, why don't you offer
one of those to Claire?

Oh, I don't think
she's got time.

I'll ask her.

Mrs. Wojadubakowski,
Mr. Crane was wondering

if you have time
for a quick one?

Look, uh, Frasier,
there's something

you should know
about me and Claire.

We just slept together.

Are you sure?

She just got here
two minutes ago.

She was here earlier.

I just don't know
what came over us.

You know, we couldn't keep
our hands off each other.

We were like animals
or sex-crazed teenagers.

Well, what's wrong
with that?

Well, I'll tell you
what's wrong with that.

She's Stan's widow.

I mean, he didn't even like it
when I borrowed his lawn mower.

Dad, listen,

Stan's been gone a while now.

I mean, you're not teenagers.

You're two mature people
reaching out

for some companionship.
(doorbell rings)

I think it's adorable.

"Adorable"?

Oh, good morning,
Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

My, isn't that

a beautiful outfit?

Oh, thank you, Dr. Crane.
How sweet.

So just beep me
if you need me.

Oh, greetings, all.

Uh, Mel, I think
you know everyone.

Hello, Mel.
Hello.

Oh, Mrs. Wojadubakowski,
what a nice surprise.

Uh, this is
Mel Karnofsky.

Hello.

It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Martin, I really have to be
getting to church.

Oh, yeah, sure, okay.

Well, I'll
just walk you out.

And by the way,
I'm so sorry

to hear
about your husband.

Oh, thank you,
thank you.

I understand Dad's been doing
what he can to fill the void.

MARTIN:
See you.

May I pour you

a Bloody Mary, Mel?
MEL: Not for me.

It's a little early in the day

for hard liquor,
don't you think?

Not anymore.

Niles, let's get this
gravlax in the refrigerator.

Oh, hello, Eddie.
Or should I say good-bye?

Huh? Well, Martin,
I'm sure you'll be

locking Eddie
out on the balcony

if people are going
to be eating here.

Boy, I'll tell you
who I'd like

to lock out
on the balcony.

Oh, please, let it be me.

Now, now, may
I remind you

that we are having
this little brunch

in order to get acquainted
with Mel.

We owe it to Niles
to give her a chance.

I agree with
Dr. Crane.

We should all have
another Bloody Mary.

I didn't say that.

It was implied.

Oh, Frasier,

I almost forgot.

The Corkmaster and I
brought this along for you.

Oh, well,
thank you very much.

It's a lovely bottle.

I guess, uh, Niles
must have told you

about his
eleventh-hour victory.

Oh, yes, and I'm
so proud of him.

Well, let's
give credit

where credit's
due-- to Mel.

To Mel?

Well, yes, it was her
idea that I should run.

Really? Well... perhaps I'll
just put this around the corner

before the cork flies out
and hits someone.

So, after all
these years

of doing tummy tucks
and liposuctions,

I can look
at a fully-clothed person

and see exactly
what they look like naked.

I can see every
sag, droop,

ripple and pucker.
(uncomfortable laughter)

It's like X-ray vision.

How interesting.

I think I'll go
check on breakfast.

Let me give you
a hand with that.

When you invited me,

did you say "brunch for Mel"
or "brunch from hell"?

Oh! That woman
is unbearable.

Well, guess
who's allergic to Eddie?

She wants a glass of water
to take her pill with.

You know what I can't stand?

All that
"sweety-dearie-darling" stuff.

I've never met anybody so phony.

Hello, dear.
Here's your water.

Thank you, Martin.

Well, Frasier, I'm afraid
I have some bad news.

Mm, I just got beeped
by my service and I have to go.

Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry.

Thank you for brunch,
though.

Thanks for inviting me.

It's such a civilized way
to spend an afternoon.

♪ With her head tucked
underneath her arm ♪

♪ She walks the bloody tower. ♪

You know who that
song's about, don't you?

Bloody Mary?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

Well, anyway,
I-I'd better go.

Darling,
I have your coat.

I'll walk you
to the elevator.

Well, thank you all
for a lovely afternoon.

Yes, bye, Mel.
Bye.

FRASIER:
Lovely to see you.

Well, that's
a blessing.

Now we can enjoy
our breakfast.

ROZ:
I doubt it.

I was only allowed to make
a cheese-free,

mushroom-free,
fat-free frittata,

thanks to the girl
in the plastic bubble.

I think
I'll order a pizza.

You know...
I have half a mind

to say something
to Niles.

He is making a terrible
mistake with that woman.

Now, Frasier...

But, Dad, it is Maris
all over again!

She's dominating him,
emasculating him.

Look, I don't like her
any more than you do,

and God knows we've been
through this before.

I didn't like Lilith,
we both didn't like Maris,

and you boys sure as
hell didn't like Sherry,

but what good did it
do talking about it?

But he's repeating
a terrible pattern.

Well, he's going to repeat it
whether you like it or not,

and if you say anything,
you're just going

to drive a wedge
between you,

so nobody's going
to say a word.

Well, it's a shame
Mel had to leave.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You know, we were having
such a good time.

Yes, Niles.

Actually, I was nervous
bringing her over here.

I was concerned...
I was concerned

what you'd think,
you know,

getting to really know her
the first time.

So?

ROZ:
Ooh!

I'm going to go let Eddie in.

Come on, seriously.

I-I-I-I want you
to be totally honest.

Really. Tell me.

What do you think
of Mel?

Oh, I don't
like her at all.

She's bossy and fussy and mean.

She's all wrong for you.

Yes, I need
a large pepperoni pizza.

Yeah, and some
cheese bread.

I'm sure
she didn't mean that, Niles.

Well... that was startling.

Yes, well, don't take
that seriously, Niles.

You know how women
sometimes just form

irrational dislikes
for one another.

Oh! That's great.

I leave the room for one second,
and you rat me out.

No, Roz...
ROZ: No, that's okay.

I don't have
anything to hide,

and I'm not irrational.

She's pushy, demanding
and a gigantic pain in the ass.

I'd dump her
like radioactive waste.

Well, so that's two of you
in the anti-Mel camp.

Oh, did you tell him
what you thought of Mel, too?

No, Daphne did.

Oops.

Frasier?

I just think she's-she's
Maris all over again.

She's manipulative.

I think you're repeating
a terrible pattern.

Oh, well,
isn't this neat?

We all have our individual
reasons for disliking her.

Hey, Dad,
what's your reason

for disliking Mel?

So you did tell him
what you think of her!

And after shoving
me into the kitchen

and shaking your
freakin' finger at me.

She's crazy, Niles.

I-I-I don't know
what she's talking about.

No, no,
that's all right, Dad.

I, uh... I asked you all
to be honest, and you were.

I got my answer.

You know, what would
have been nice

is if one of you
could have found

one nice thing to say about her.

She does have
that X-ray vision.

Did you talk
to Niles?

Mm. I left a couple
of messages, but no answer.

I think he's going to have
to stay mad for a while.

Yeah, well,

that was a hell of a brunch

all the way around
for you as well as me.

Dad, if you're talking
about what happened

with you
and Mrs. Wojadubakowski,

I mean, you have nothing
to be ashamed of.

Yeah, yeah, I guess.

So you're going
to see her again?

Oh, I don't know.

I don't think it's
going to work out.

You're not still feeling guilty,
are you?

MARTIN: No. What you said
made a lot of sense.

I just think
it's run its course.

Hmm. Well,
I have a theory.

Oh, geez.

No, no, hear me out.

I think by giving you
my approval

to sleep with Claire,

I've made it
less exciting for you.

There was a certain illicitness
to the relationship

that gave it a kind of piquancy.

Frasier, it's Sunday.
Take the day off.

Wait, Mr. Crane,

you slept with Mrs.
Wojadubakowski?

Yes, I did.

Isn't that adorable?

No, it's disgusting,
you dirty old man.

Sleeping with that poor widow

before her husband's even cold
in the ground.

You think that was wrong?

You're damn
right I do.

You ought to
be ashamed.

See, I told
you, Frasier.

We live in a
civilized society,

and there are certain rules
we have to live by.

We all have impulses we'd like
to explore, but we don't.

Daphne?

Well...

we can't just go chasing
anyone you fancy

just because you're suddenly
attracted to them.

There are certain
things you don't do

no matter how
tempted you are.

Boy, that was strange,
wasn't it?

I don't think
it was strange at all.

It made a lot of sense to me.

Where the hell
are you going?

Well, I'd better get over
to Claire's and apologize.

And, uh, don't wait up
for me, Frasier.

I got a lot
of apologizing to do.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Mercy ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night, Seattle!
We love you!