Frasier (1993–2004): Season 7, Episode 16 - Something About Dr. Mary - full transcript

Why did I ever decide to
redecorate my bathroom?

They give you about
1,000 decisions to make.

After a while, you can't
even tell the colors apart.

Roz, perhaps my discerning
decorator's eye

could be
of some assistance.

Let me see here.

This one's Ecru,
that's Eggshell

and this, of course,
is Navajo white.

Very good, Frasier.

Now, let's see how you
do on the color side.

You know, Roz,
I do hope



you don't spend
your entire vacation

redecorating, you know.

You should get out,
you know, have some fun,

maybe take a cruise.

You don't want to stay
in your apartment

cooped up with a bunch
of sweaty workmen.

Bon voyage.

Thank you,
and don't worry.

Chuck Ranberg said
he'd take over...

Absolutely not, Roz.

The man's
speech impediment

made me giggle
all week long.

Show a little compassion.

Oh, come on. You try dealing
with a call screener



who says, "Dr. Cwane, we have
a kweptomaniac on line thwee."

Well, who do you
want to use?

Actually,
I was thinking

of reaching out
to the community.

You know, I was guest
speaker last month

at a program
called Second Start.

They offer career training
to people who are stuck

in tedious, low-paying jobs,

and, uh, well,
I thought I'd give the job

to one of those students.

That's a great idea, Frasier.

It sounds like a great program.

Oh, dear,
there's Chuck Ranberg.

Roz, you've got
to tell him

he doesn't
have the job.

Why can't you
tell him?

I'm sorry.
I can't hear the man speak

without descending
into giggles.

Oh, you are such a child.

Roz, just...

Hi, guys.

Hey, Chuck, how's
it going?

Oh, tewible, Woz.

My wife was in
the cawibbean

and she weft me
for a wastafawian.

FRASIER: You know,
we have a couple of minutes,

before the show, so listen,

tell me a little bit
about yourself.

How did you get
interested in broadcasting?

Well, after I got laid
off from the bakery,

I guess I had
some free time,

so I took a few different
night school courses,

and when I got
to the one in radio,

it all clicked.

Oh, well, now,
isn't that funny.

You know, I had almost
exactly the same experience.

I first discovered psychiatry

in Dr. Bagely's epidemiology
seminar at Harvard.

Except I bet you
didn't walk through

a metal detector
to get to class.

No, no, but you know,
I did have to pass under

a dangerously
unbalanced portrait

of Alfred Adler in the rotunda.

We are practically
separated at birth.

Oh, ten seconds, Mary.
Here we go.

I'm so nervous.

I don't know
what to do.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Just relax.
Okay.

Hello, Seattle.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
and I'm listening.

I'd like to take
this opportunity

to introduce someone

who's going to bring
her own flavor to the show

this week while Roz
is gone.

Say hello
to Mary Thomas.

It's great to have you
with us, Mary.

You know, we want to get
right to your calls, folks,

so we'll be right back
after this.

Mary, uh...

I should mention that
you should feel free

to speak on the air.

You know, Roz often chimes in
from time to time.

Oh, I can't believe
I messed up so quickly.

No, no, no,
not at all, not at all.

Promise me you'll speak up
when it feels right.

I will.
Okay, great.

I'm sure you have
excellent instincts.

Five seconds.
Right.

And we're back.

All right, Mary,
who's our first caller?

Maria.

Uh, she's 36 years old.

Married five years,

and her husband's been
staying late at the office

so he can be
with his secretary.

That's the way to do it.

I mean, uh... I...

Sorry, Maria.

Uh,
I'm listening.

Oh, hi, Dr. Crane.

Anyway, he's having an affair
and it's not his first.

This has been going on
since we were newlyweds.

How do I get him to change?

Well, Maria, you,
of course, know

that it's impossible to force
anyone to change,

but you can work
to change yourself.

Usually women
who tolerate

this sort of behavior
from their husbands

are suffering from
low self-esteem issues.

Now, you may need
some counseling

to resolve those issues.
Let me ask...

May I say something?

Yes.

Maria, Dr. Crane
is right.

You must make
a change.

And the first thing you change
is the lock on your front door.

What?

Oh, listen, there's
plenty of time

for counselors,

but at 6:00, locksmiths
start charging extra

so you get on it, girlfriend.

You know,

my Grandpa Willie used to say,

"Nothing stops a man
from playing the field faster

than a night out on the lawn."

Okay? Okay.

Oh, thank you, Grandpa Willie.

Look'ee here, Tony,
you're 35 years old.

Now, your parents only
had you for the first 18,

so if you want to start
blaming someone,

maybe you need to
blame yourself.

Okay? Okay.

Actually, chronic rage problems
usually stem from...

Oh, Dr. Crane,
we're all out of time.

So we are.

Well, then,
this is Dr. Frasier Crane

saying good-bye, Seattle
and good mental health.

And tune in
tomorrow!

Hello, Daphne.

Well, Dr. Crane,

you're in
a good mood today.

Hm-mmm. After six long weeks,

I have finally received
my yellow belt.

Well, aren't you lucky.

I ordered some mauve capri pants
two months ago,

and I'm still waiting.

No, no, no.

As this handsome certificate
will attest,

I finally attained

the second level
of kickboxing.

Oh, congratulations.

What made you take up
kickboxing?

Well, in order to protect Mel.

As you know,
she's a plastic surgeon.

She has a habit of slipping
her card to total strangers

who she feels could use
her services.

So far, no harm done but...

It's only a matter of time

before you get
your lights punched out.

Exactly.

It almost happened last week
with Marjorie Dunsmore.

Luck was on our side,

but next time there might not be
a walker to kick over so...

But I think Dad
will be properly impressed

when I demonstrate
my precision footwork.

Whoa!

That's very impressive,
Dr. Crane.

You know, I just remembered

the Chihuly
needs a good dusting.

Daphne, I thought you
cleaned that yesterday.

Oh, did I?

Hello, Niles. What
brings you here?

Here to demonstrate

my newly acquired
feet of fury.

Carry on, Daphne.

Oh, Frasier, Frasier...

who was that woman
on your show today?

Oh, that was
Mary Thomas.

She's filling in
for Roz this week.

Seemed to me like she
was filling in for you.

You're normally
so particular

about what happens
on your show.

I'm surprised you let her
go on like that.

Well, I started to say something
and then I thought, well...

oh, it just...
might be very condescending.

I know why you
didn't say anything.

'Cause she's black.

Oh, that's ridiculous, Dad.

Race has nothing to do with it.

Oh, come now,
Frasier.

You can't deny a certain measure
of guilt

living as you do in your
exclusive, lily-white world.

Niles, owning the CD
of "Ella sings Gershwin"

does not qualify you
as a soul brother.

You know, Fras,

there's such a
thing as being

too sensitive
about this stuff.

Now, if it was Roz blabbing on
instead of this Mary,

you'd tell her to put
a sock in it, right?

Well, I suppose so,

but, you know, this
is different, Dad.

She's just starting out.

I didn't want to squelch
her enthusiasm.

Because she's black.

Dad, please, will you
just stop saying that?

Anyway,

I just have to deal with it
for a week till Roz gets back.

Black.

Stop it!

My first roommate at Yale
was black.

Huntington Treadwell III?

He's hardly representative

of the African-American
experience, Niles.

His father was a pioneer
in Selma and Montgomery.

Yes, I believe

he built golf courses
all over the South.

Oh, speaking of golf,

Dad, I've become quite
the sportsman myself.

Oh.

What do you think
of that?

Oh, it's very
nice, son.

But calligraphy
really isn't a sport.

It's more of a craft.

No, no, no, this is...
this is for kickboxing.

I finally reached
yellow belt status.

Hey, what do you know?

I'm proud of you.

No, come here.

Well, you know,
it requires a lot of talent.

You know, you have to have
timing and balance...

the ability
to strike

and instantly
retreat.

So, you kick them
and then run away?

Yes, yes.

My instructor says
I'm a natural. Yes.

Can I show you
something?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I'll show you a...
I'll show you

a roundhouse
kick, all right?

You sense
your assailant's presence.

You feel your body
in the space.

Where your opponent is.

And when you're ready...

you strike!

(grunting)

What have I done?

Are you all right,
Daphne?

Yes.
Really?

No. I landed on my wrist.

It's really throbbing.

Oh, go get her
some ice, Niles.

You know, Dad,

perhaps you're right.

Maybe I am too sensitive.

(phone ringing)

Daphne, could you
get that, please?

Gabe, you must remember
that compulsive shopping

is an addiction.

There are no simple solutions.

Oh, I've got one.

Cut those credit cards up
right now.

Okay? Okay.

Thanks, Dr. Mary.

Uh... you know, I hate to be
a stickler here, Gabe,

but as Mary would be
the first to point out,

she is not a doctor.

Oh, I don't mind.

Oh, call me Dr. Mary.

You know, Latifah's not
a real queen, right?

Oh, you know what, doll babies?

We're all out of time
for today.

So we are.

Well, then,
this is Dr. Frasier Crane...

And Dr. Mary!

...saying good-bye, Seattle
and good mental health.

Hey, guys!
Oh, Kenny.

Just checking in to see
how things are going.

Are you kidding?

This is a dream
come true.

So, uh, you and Mary?

What do you
think of her?

Be honest.

Well, I genuinely like her.

She's delightful
and... and... and dedicated.

And?

Well, uh...

she does have a tendency
to sort of jump right in there

whenever she likes, you know,

and frankly, her method
of solving problems

is totally different
than mine.

Yeah, I'm nuts about her, too.

The contrast between you guys...

that's what get things
crackling.

I always thought your show

was the gold standard
of radio shrink chatter,

but this last week
has been even better.

You think so?

Absolutely.

In fact, the boys upstairs

would like to make you two
a permanent team.

Ah... who
am I kidding?

There are no boys upstairs.

I just love this show.

Okay?

This is so exciting.

I cannot believe it.

Me neither.

KENNY: And don't you
worry about Roz.

I'm just going to switch her
over to Gil's show.

The hours are better,

and I'll even throw in
a 20% raise.

This is going to be great.

I bet you within a month,

you guys are going to have
the hottest ratings in Seattle.

Oh, this is so wonderful.

Thank you, both.

I'm going to go
call my parents.

Uh, listen, Kenny...

I know what you're
feeling right now, Doc,

and let me save you
the trouble.

Come here, big guy!

I want some, too.

Everything comfy, Daphne?

Here you are.

This quiche should hold you
till dinner.

Oh, Dr. Crane,

you really don't need
to fill in for me.

It's just
a sprained wrist.

I'm perfectly capable
of cooking dinner.

The hell you are.

Daphne, it is the least
I can do, believe me.

Until you're
fully recovered,

consider me
your full-time stand-in.

Uh... oh,
which reminds me, Dad,

I rented
your favorite video.

(laughing):
Death Wish.

Oh, I'll get your beer.

I'm just frosting the mug
in the freezer

the way Daphne does.

I never frost
your beer mug.

Oh, be quiet,
will you?

He's feeling very guilty,

and we have to help him work
through it.

That is just baloney
and you know it.

Shame on you,
taking advantage of your son.

I don't know how you sleep
at night.

Well, pretty good
since he started putting

a mint on my pillow
and a cup of cocoa by the bed.

He never
leaves me cocoa.

You have to fill out
that little card.

Oh.

MARTIN:
Oh, Fras.

How'd the show go?

It was very educational.

Today, Mary taught us
how to manipulate our husbands

by withholding sex.

And she taught us

how to lie to our children
about the past.

Boy, that Dr. Mary
sure goes on and on.

For the last time...

she is not a doctor
no matter how many times

she refers to herself as one.

A cat can have kittens
in the oven

but that don't
make 'em biscuits!

Dear...God,
now I'm quoting Grandpa Willie.

For heaven's
sake, Frasier,

why don't you
just talk to her?

Well, it's a delicate
situation, Niles,

for God's sake.

I mean,
it's not all that easy.

I mean, she is new to the field,
she's sensitive,

she's-she's eager
to please...

She's black.

Dad, please!

You know damn well that's what
this whole thing's about.

I don't know
what the big deal is.

If she's talking too much,

just tell her
to shut her big bazoo.

Oh, really, and how do you
suggest I accomplish that

without sounding like
a complete bigot?

Well, perhaps a little
diplomacy is in order.

Oh, are you saying
I should just choose my words

more carefully, is that it?
Yeah, exactly.

Oh, fine, fine.

All right, Niles,
just exactly how would that go?

Why don't you play me
and I'll be Mary?

All right, uh, Mary...

Frasier.

I-I've been meaning
to speak to you.

Uh, you know, people listen
to the show for my expertise.

Oh, so, my opinion's
not worth anything?

Well, I'm the one
with the medical degree.

All right, now,
I want you to contribute

but only up to a point.

So you want me to stay
in my place... massa.

She's not going to say "massa."

What, am I getting too uppity
for you... you sherry-swillin',

opera-lovin',
Armani-wearin' elitist.

You have no idea
how difficult it is

for a black woman
in a white man's world.

Frasier...

I don't think so!

Look at me.
This is ridiculous.

I have walked myself
straight into a minefield!

Listen, Frasier,

I know you're trying
to be sensitive,

but you're not showing
this woman any respect

if you're not
as honest with her

as you would be
with someone else.

Right.
This is your show.

When she gets her own show,

she can say
whatever she wants.

Wait a minute.

You know what, Dad?

You may be on to something,
there.

Gosh, I don't know why
I didn't think of that myself.

You know what?
I'm just gonna call Kenny

and tell him to give her
her own show.

They're looking
for a replacement

for Let's Go Camping
with Dan and Jenna.

What happened to them?

They don't know.

Kenny, it's Frasier.

Listen, I've been thinking.

You know what?

I-I think I'm holding Mary back.

Yes, I mean, you know,
a talent like hers

should not be stuck
in a producer's chair.

He agrees with me.

Oh, I'll tell you
what you do.

You snap out of it.

You know why you're afraid
to get married?

You think there's some roomful
of hootchie-mamas out there

just waiting for you

in case you don't want
to do the right thing.

Let me tell you something,

the only thing
you're missing out on is

a lot of cold
and lonely nights,

and I tell you what,
there's not one person out there

that will disagree with me
on that.

I do.

I don't think he deserves
that girl,

and if he's not man enough
to take that leap of faith,

then she's better off
without him.

Louise,
is you trippin'?

"Trippin'"? Girl, they've
been together for 14 years.

They got four kids.

You got to get married.
(Louise arguing)

He needs
to do the right thing.

What are you trying
to tell that man?

You ain't
never been married.

Oh, no. Oh, no.
Hello, I'm Dr. Mary.

Hello. I'm not trying to hear you.
I don't see a Dr. Louise...

Hello.

(grunts)

Hi, Roz.

Hey, Frasier.

Listened to your show for
about 20 minutes today.

I didn't even
hear your voice.

Well, I'm playing
a diminished role these days,

although, still,
an important one.

I am the glue
that... holds the show together,

or as Mary said in her intro...

"The filling
in our little Oreo."

Well, it's no picnic
working with Gil, either.

You know that little joke
he makes before every show

that his taste buds are insured?

Mmm.
They really are.

Oh.

Guess who had
to take the claims photo

after he ate a hot slice
of pizza?

Oh... God, Roz,

I'm so sorry.

You should be.

Go away for a week and you
give away our whole show.

Yes, I know...

Oh, Lord,
there she is.

You know what? I could've nipped
this whole thing in the bud

if I'd just been honest with her
from the beginning.

You know what?

Perhaps the time has come for me
to just tell her the truth.

Well... sounds like an
intense conversation.

Think I'll get
out of here

and give you
a little room.

Thank you, Roz.

Roz...

MARY:
Hey there, partner.

Is there room for one more
at the doctors' table?

(chuckling):
Of course, Mary.

Listen, th-there's something
I-I want to talk to you about.

Oh, I don't
doubt it. Uh...

Could you believe
Louise today?

She just would not stop
talking, would she?

Well, it's not Louise...
Every time I turned around,

she was just yappity-
yappity-yappity-yap.

I mean, what is her
training anyway?

Mary, please, just stop it,
stop it, please.

The problem is not with Louise.

It's with you.

What?

Look, the truth is I...
I don't enjoy working with you.

I haven't enjoyed working
with you from the start.

We have different styles,

and I-I have
absolutely no respect

for the advice
that you give.

I-I had no idea.

Well, why didn't you just
say something before?

Well, it's because you're black.

And...

the truth is I-I'm...
I was afraid that if I...

if I said something
critical of you,

you... you might react
the wrong way,

and... I feel just terrible
about it.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
feel so bad, be...

No, no, actually,
I should.

You see, I pride myself
in being able to communicate

with just about anybody,

and I couldn't even
be honest with you.

Oh, it's not that easy.

You didn't want
to disappoint me.

I understand.

If you don't like the show

the way it is right now
then that comes first.

Like Grandpa Willie
used to say

"If the shoe don't fit,
then that ain't your shoe."

You know, as much as I've come
to loathe Grandpa Willie,

that does actually
make me feel a little better.

(chuckles)

I'll let you in
on a little secret.

All those expressions...
I made them up myself.

(laughing)

I'll give you
another reason

not to feel so bad
about all this.

Today, KPXY offered me
my own show.

I'm going to be just fine
on my own.

Mary, th-that's
wonderful news.

So, you...
you forgive me?

Well, I think you could've
been honest with me.

Then again, if you
told me to be quiet,

then I'd be back
at the bakery.

Instead, I've got
this brand-new career,

and this afternoon,
I'm shopping for cars.

So, I guess what
I'm saying is...

God bless your guilty
white ass, okay?

(laughing)

So...

How'd it go?
Well, actually, uh...

better than I expected.

(chuckles)

I guess
we're a team again, Roz.

Great. We'll have to
wait a little while.

I mean, I got to
stay with Gil

at least until we
find a replacement.

Oh, right, of course.

Well, I-I can
find somebody.

Thank you for your call, Jill.

Well, Chuck,
who else is on the line?

Weww, Dr. Cwane...

we have Winda
on wine fwee

who bewieves peopew
awe waffing at hew.

Maybe we can just come
back to that one, Chuck.

All wighty.

♪ Hey, baby,
I hear the blues a'callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ And maybe
I seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe,
but I got you pegged ♪

(laughing)

♪ But I don't know
what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night!