Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 9 - Perspectives on Christmas - full transcript

-Oh! Easy.
- Sorry. Your neck is tight.

- It's been a tense couple of days.
- Holidays'll do that to you.

This has been the worst Christmas ever.

It all started yesterday.

The only part about Christmas I don't
like is how quickly it's all over.

Yes. Come December 26th,
it's all just a memory,

with nothing but your light
decorating touch to remind us.

Afternoon, all.

That's awfully dangerous, Daphne,
standing under that mistletoe.

That's enough eggnog, Niles.

The oddest thing just happened. I was
walking past that church on Chestnut,



and Eddie assumed we were going inside.

He did the same thing with me yesterday.

- Any idea why he'd do that, Mr Crane?
- He's always doing weird things.

Yesterday we were taking our bath
together and he spent 15 minutes

pushing the soap around with his nose
like an otter. Weird.

Yes. If he gets any weirder,
we'll have to send Eddie to a home.

I'm off. I have
all my Christmas shopping to do.

- All of it?
- I'm not going to settle this year.

I want my gifts
to be remembered and cherished.

Nothing is cherished quite so much
as the gift of laughter.

You'll have to buy that Highway Patrol
bloopers tape yourself.

You can't drink that that way.
The first mistake in eggnog preparation

is failing to garnish it properly
with a dash of nutmeg.

There we are.



The second mistake is placing
the paprika next to the nutmeg

on the spice shelf.

- Mr Crane, are you all right?
- Yes, we're fine, Daphne.

I'm fine. Frasier, before you go,
can I talk to you for a minute?

- Sure. What is it?
- What Daphne was talking about,

there is a reason Eddie knows that
church. I've been taking him there.

I guess the family
that bathes together prays together.

There's this priest, Father Curtis.
He got to know Eddie in the park

and wanted to use him
for the Christmas pageant.

Next thing I know,
he's roped me in to play a shepherd.

Then Dutch gets bronchitis
and I get promoted to a wise man.

Is there a point to this story
looming somewhere on the horizon?

As a wise man, I have to sing a song
but this song's a killer.

I'm going to humiliate myself.

- You just need a rehearsal.
- You think that'd help?

Sure. You're a good singer.
We'll start around eight?

I am a good singer.

Remember those old family picnics when
I used to belt out What's New, Pussycat?

We'll start around seven then.
Niles, hold the elevator.

Boys, this is that song
I was telling you about. O Holy Night.

- Do you know it?
- Of course. It's a classic.

It all builds to that one glorious note.

Yes, that's the note I can't hit.

I practise it and Eddie ends up
burying his head under the pillow.

We'll get you there.

I want it finished
before Daphne gets back.

If she knows about this,
she'll come to the pageant

and I'm nervous enough as it is.

Let's just see
what we have to work with.

Why don't you start here?

And I want to hear you
really attack the note.

Sometimes the note
sees the attack coming and retreats.

Shut up! This bozo upstairs, he bangs
on the floor every time I start to sing.

Ignore him. There is another
vocal exercise I remember.

It was useful to me
when I was singing Colonel Fairfax

in Yeoman of the Guard.

You distract yourself with a physical
exercise, thus freeing the voice.

You hit one note,
then you slide up the octave

as you descend slowly
into a crouched position. Observe.

You see, it works.

That's very interesting.
I wonder if the reverse is true.

Try it, Dad.

No, I'm afraid with three of us
doing it, it might look stupid.

Your problem may be psychological.

No, you're convinced
you can't hit this note.

I convinced the guy upstairs, too.

Niles may be right.
You need reinforcement. Try it again.

Try to eliminate any negative thoughts.

All right, let's go. All right here,
Niles. "Fall on your knees", OK?

You've got it, Dad.

I hear sweet music.

Something's divine.

A star is born.

Bring it home now.

Shut up.

- Your shoulders are awfully tight.
- It's been a stressful few days.

- I'd be happy to listen.
- Oh, no.

Well, it started yesterday.
I had something on my mind.

Lucky for me,
Dr Crane's brother was over.

He's always been
such a good friend to me.

- Afternoon, all.
- Hello, Daphne.

That's awfully dangerous
standing under that mistletoe.

- A piece could fall into your eye.
- Let me freshen your drink.

Thank you, Dr Crane.
The oddest thing just happened.

I was walking Eddie
past that church on Chestnut

and Eddie assumed we were going inside.

He did the same thing yesterday
when I was walking him.

Any idea why he'd to do that, Mr Crane?

Nope. Dogs are weird.

- That worries me a bit.
- What does?

I think your father's been going there.
I had an uncle who did the same thing.

He had no interest in church,
then he started going every day.

He had some bad news from his doctor.
He didn't even last a year.

Well, first of all,
I can see you're upset, so come here.

Thank you, Dr Crane.
You're always so supportive.

You're worrying over nothing.

If my father even had a hangnail,
he'd let everyone know about it.

Maybe I've just got myself worked up
remembering my Uncle John.

Just saying his name gets you upset.
Come here. You need a hug.

Mr Crane, are you all right?

We're fine, Daphne.

See? Nothing to worry about.
Well, I have got to run.

Hold the elevator, Niles.
We'll see you soon, Daphne.

Dad? Don't worry.

Niles and I will be there for you.

- What's that about?
- Oh, never mind.

I've got to go lie down.

Mr Crane, did you call Dr Stewart
for the results of your physical?

Yeah, a couple of days ago.

I'm fine.

Come on, Eddie.

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah.

It's just all over so fast.

That convinced me I was right.

And the next 24 hours
were a living hell.

The worst came the next day.

I'm terrified about this, Father.
All this came around so sudden.

I'm not prepared.

T ell me again what I'm supposed
to say when I see Jesus the first time.

OK. All right. Well, thank you.
Yeah, I'll see you soon. Bye.

Hi, Daphne.

Hello.

I'm so excited about the gift
I just got for you.

- Great.
- Why don't you open it now?

To tell you the truth, I don't have
much time. I'm kind of on my way out.

Wait, OK, all right.
I'll open it now. Sure, sure.

Don't want to get you upset.
You must be really excited about this.

Wow. It's that sweater. The one
I pointed out to you in the window.

It's great.
I can die a happy man now.

What's the matter? Are you all right?

Mr Crane, I know why you've been going
down to that church.

You're not supposed to know about that.
But why is it making you so upset?

I care about you.

You were going to let this happen
without telling a soul?

I don't want people staring at me
in that church,

stiff as a board,
all that make-up on my face.

So how much time have you got?

About 20 minutes.

- 20 minutes?
- Yeah. Will I be glad when it's over.

This is the last Christmas pageant
I'm signing up for.

- You're in a Christmas pageant?
- Yeah. What'd you think?

- I thought you were dying.
- What?

You just got your test results back,
you're at the church all the time.

- Why are you laughing?
- That's funny.

- I don't think it's so bloody funny.
- Are you kidding?

- I'm dying.
- You will be.

- Daphne, don't do that.
- Don't you tell me what to do.

What kind of house were you
brought up in anyway for God's sake?

You can talk about it if you like.

I'm not ready just yet.

I can't tell you how good that feels.

I don't think I've ever
had a massage like this before.

Well, I'm glad.
As long as you're so relaxed,

maybe I should give you
your Christmas present right now.

Ow!

You woke me up.

Sorry.
I guess this ankle's a bit tender.

Yours would be, too,
if you'd had the day I had.

I'd gone out to do some shopping.
Then I arrived at Frasier's building.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to crowd you.

This is a brand-new,
hand-tailored Italian suit.

It's difficult to get sap out of silk.

Another reason we didn't need this tree.

This thing's a fire hazard.

They make a chemical now
that you can use to fireproof a tree.

It causes cancer.

Happy holidays, then.

- What just happened?
- I think the elevator stopped.

I'm sure we'll get it going in a moment.

We've probably got about 20 minutes
of oxygen.

- Sir, you're going to alarm everyone.
- I work in an ER.

Perhaps you can instruct us
on how to stay cool in a crisis.

I was on duty when the elevator cable
snapped at the Bing building.

They brought those people in
on cookie sheets.

Hello? Is anyone there?

Yeah, who is it?

We're stuck in one of your elevators.

The doors won't open and we're stuck.

- Where are you calling from, sir?
- Elliott Bay Towers.

It could be an hour and a half
before anybody gets there.

My children are alone
upstairs in the apartment.

Haven't got a gas oven up there,
have you?

If somebody climbed through
the trap door on top of your car,

there's a manual release switch
up there that would open up your doors.

- Somebody's got to go up there.
- That's a pretty small opening.

I have more confidence in your wife
than you do. I'll give you a leg up.

It has to be you.

- How do I get up there?
- Climb up the tree.

Oh, come on.

Surely you climbed trees
when you were a boy.

That's Dr Crane's brother.

Fine.

I suppose in times of crisis,
someone must be a hero.

Today that man is Niles Crane. Tomorrow,
it will be my dry-cleaner, Mr Li.

Grab his feet
and we'll push him through.

Not so fast.

Not to worry. I have landed
in a nice soft puddle of grease.

I just have to find the release switch.
Bear with me.

- Quick.
- Did that do anything?

People?

Lady with my coat?

Where did you all go?

Oh, my God.
We're going up! Someone stop this thing!

- Why is that man crawling?
- That's Dr Crane's brother.

I was shaken by what I had done.

But I had composed myself
as I arrived at Frasier's.

It was some time later before
I was able to say what had happened.

I have no idea what you use
to get elevator grease out of silk.

Brown suede
seems to be leeching it out nicely.

Anyway, no Christmas is complete
without a bit of tumult.

But now we can all relax and enjoy
a lovely holiday evening together.

Merry Christmas!

- You sure you want to hear about this?
- Why not?

OK. I've been feeling depressed

because I'm putting on
all this weight. I'm pregnant.

- Hey, guys.
- Hi, Roz.

- That's a nice suit.
- Thank you. It's brand-new.

And since you'll be ordering food,

I will go
rather than risk getting it stained.

Is that some kind of crack
about how much I eat?

Absolutely not. It's a crack
about your table manners.

I should go. I've got a couple
of hours before the pageant.

- And I need the time to rehearse.
- Come tomorrow, it'll all be a memory.

But even after it's over, I still have
to make peace with the man upstairs.

Are you sure we have
to do this charity thing this afternoon?

Come on, Roz, it's just an hour
out of your life.

You'll make an adorable Mrs Claus.

Why? Because now I've gotten so fat?

Hello. Why, yes, Mrs Doyle, yes, she is.

Just a moment.
They forwarded her from the office.

Hello, Mom? Yes, I got your message.

Yep, I'm picking you up
at the airport, 10am.

Looking forward to seeing you, too.

- Let me say Merry Christmas.
- Hang on, Mom.

Mrs Doyle.
Hi, happy holidays.

Just a word to the wise.

Roz has put on quite a few
pregnancy pounds of late

and she's really sensitive about it.

I would be careful
what you say to her, all right?

Bye-bye. We'll see you soon. Bye.

I'll meet you over there.
I still have gifts to get.

I still have all of mine to get.
No matter how hard I try,

I can't seem find anything
that seems right this year.

It's really sweet how you're trying
so hard to make all your gifts special.

I'm sorry I've been so cranky.
I'm just nervous about my mom coming.

I'm dreading the big conversation
where I finally tell her I'm pregnant.

- You haven't told her yet?
- No.

It's just not the type of thing
you blurt out over the phone.

I'll let you get that.
I'll see you over there.

Hello? Yes, I had a feeling
you might call back.

I was beginning to worry about you.

I'm on the verge of a complete
breakdown. Shopping was a disaster.

When I went to slip into this darling
costume, my pants split.

And I can't stop thinking about my mom.
How am I going to tell her?

- If you'd like, I can tell her for you.
- She'll be mad I waited three months.

It'd be worse
hearing it from someone else.

- It's possible she already knows.
- No way.

The only person who knows she's spoken
to is you. Oh, my God. Frasier.

OK. Who's first?

I'm going to kill you.

- You're going to kill Santa?
- No, Mrs Claus just wants to kiss me.

Yeah, I'll kiss you. Come here.
I'll kiss you good.

Here, run along. Are you insane?

Roz, you tell your mother everything.
How was I supposed to know?

Hi, Santa. I want a pony for Christmas.

You got it. Now beat it.

- Can't we talk about this later?
- No.

Hi, Santa.

Oh, my God, what are you, 20?
Get out of here.

Try to stay calm.

No, I will not stay calm, because
I am not calm. I am completely freaked.

I am pregnant, and you
told my crazy mother,

and I'm too fat to even be Mrs Santa.
And I hate this holiday.

Mrs Claus was up very late last night.

I still had to stop by Frasier's.
I had to give him his champagne glasses.

Merry Christmas!

Roz, don't go. I'm sorry about
what happened, but it was a mistake.

- You can't stay mad at me.
- I have to face my mother tomorrow.

We can talk about that.
Come on in. Please, come in.

How would it look if I turned
a pregnant lady out on Christmas Eve

when there's so much room
here at the inn?

Niles, Daphne, Roz is here.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Come on, people. Let's liven things up
a little. It's Christmas Eve.

What are the Cranes known for
if not their legendary holiday spirit?

I hate singing, and I hate Christmas,
and I'm going to bed.

Dad, what happened?

I went into my song
and we come up to the high note

and I think
I'm going to hit it for once.

Then I see Eddie with his head
buried in the Christ child's cradle.

He mistook the Christ child
for a chew toy

and grabs hold of it
and starts shaking it.

So, the Virgin Mary
grabs hold of one of his legs.

Eddie loves a good tug of war,
so they're going at it.

Then Eddie goes running out with
half of Bethlehem chasing after him.

I never should have agreed to do it.

- You'd have saved me grief.
- Don't start this again.

- Don't you talk to her like that.
- Let's not say something we'll regret.

- You're one to talk.
- Roz, I know it's hard to forget...

All right! That is enough!

This is the night we celebrate peace
and togetherness!

I will not have that ruined!

I intend to put us all
in the right frame of mind

by giving you all my gift.

I was determined to make my gift
this year a little more meaningful,

and after a great deal of effort,
I believe I have.

My gift does not come from some fancy
store, all wrapped in glittery paper.

My gift comes from my heart.

Tonight I intend to sit each one of you
down and tell you in my own words

exactly how much you mean to me.

That's it? Are you out of your mind?

Or I could get someone over
to give us all massages.

Great!

I'm so tense!