Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 10 - Where Every Bloke Knows Your Name - full transcript

Bored with his usual routine, Frasier shuns Niles's company and becomes taken with the "Fox and Whistle," a British pub Daphne frequents.

I specifically requested
my macaroni and cheese al dente.

I know.
This lunch is a culinary Hindenberg.

Niles, our food may be payback for your
recent editorial, Cafeteria of Shame.

They can't intimidate me.
They'll never silence my pen.

I could write an exposé
on their baked goods alone.

Yes, this is the hardest roll
since Hamlet.

- Good one, Frasier. May I use it?
- But of course.

These biscotti
represent an all-time low.

Chalky aftertaste,
inelegant aroma, spongy.

Spongy biscotti is an unwelcome
trespasser into madeleine territory.

These pistachios
are like swallowing gravel.



It's a wonder I've escaped injury.

Your ability to cheat death
at every turn never ceases to amaze.

- Someone's in a mood.
- I'm sorry.

You know how you
find yourself getting restless?

I have a feeling I'm about to.

Hello? Yes.

Really?

Bravo. Eccellente. Benissimo.

- You'll never guess who that was.
- The Three Tenors?

No, that was my antique scout.

The present for
Maris' birthday has arrived.

I got her
the most exquisite antique saddle.

How does it look on you?

You won't laugh when you see it.



It is bejewelled,
but not overdone, like Maris.

The craftsmanship is breathtaking.
It's been so expertly restored,

- you can barely see the stitching.
- Again, like Maris.

Someone is in a mood today.
I'll get this.

Thank you. You'd better go
to the wine club on your own tonight.

What?

It'll just be the same old faces
rehashing the same boring topics.

You are upset.
Let's get your mind off it.

Dinner? Chamber music?

There's a wonderful lecture series on
the history of modern lecture series.

I don't think so.
I feel like being on my own tonight.

- You don't mind, do you?
- Of course not.

- I'll see you at Cucina tomorrow.
- We'd better play that by ear.

- As you wish.
- Are you upset?

I'd have to have a fragile ego

to be upset because you
want time away from me.

Separate checks, please.

- Marty, we're getting hungry.
- It's coming.

Here we go. Cold cuts, pizza rolls,

devilled eggs, pork roll-ups.

Yes, the ideal buffet for a group
of heavy-set men over 60.

I assume
everyone's affairs are in order?

We're about ready
to start our poker game.

- I'll be on my way in a minute.
- OK.

- We're about ready to start...
- I heard you, Dad.

I'm trying to figure out
what to do with myself.

Lately my old routine
doesn't seem to satisfy me anymore.

Maybe I could join you and the guys
for some cards?

- I just don't think you'd fit in.
- Roz is playing.

Roz is one of the guys.
She knows more dirty jokes than Duke.

I could tell you a tale
that'd make you blush like a schoolgirl.

- That's what I'm afraid of.
- Let him play. It can't hurt anything.

- All right.
- Thanks, Dad. Let me get that for you.

Guys, Frasier's
going to sit in with us tonight.

- You're going to play with us?
- Don't look so surprised.

Sometimes
I enjoy a night with the guys.

OK, seven-card stud, high-low,

- chips to win, the wheel is no good.
- Perfect.

- Three bump limit.
- Sounds good.

- You're lost, aren't you?
- Like a Bedouin in a sandstorm.

You guys get your all-weather tyres
on yet?

I'm going to Richie's.
I'll let him do it.

- At Tim's you get free Armor All.
- You ever been to Hank's?

Yeah, I've been to Hank's.
Right next to Mike's Hardware.

At Mike's
they got those cordless drills.

You ought to try Tommy's. Free
battery testers with every purchase.

I'm out.

Thanks for the money.

- That was a bust.
- Be glad you got out before the debate

over who'd be more fun
on a desert island,

Angie Dickinson or Ursula Andress.

That is ludicrous. It's Angie Dickinson.

Dr Crane,
I know it's none of my business,

but... Never mind.

No, go ahead.

Perhaps you're restless because
of a lack of female companionship.

- So I thought...
- Oh, dear.

I'm meeting my friend Clare for drinks
tonight and she's feeling restless also.

Stop right there.
You know my policy on fix-ups.

She's pretty, lonely,
and an underwear model.

You do know my policy. Off we go.

Say hello to the Fox and Whistle.

You point her out, and I will.

- Give us a kiss.
- I hope he's talking to you.

- Evening, all.
- Daphne!

- There's Clare now.
- She's everything you said she was.

- I'm engaged.
- And more.

- When did this happen?
- My old boyfriend Bob surprised me.

You've got to meet him. He brought
someone you might be interested in.

He is nice looking, isn't he?

Coming, Pookey.

It seems I've dragged you
down here for nothing.

I would've missed seeing
the world's most nauseating couple

defend their title.

- We can leave if you like.
- No, you go talk with your friend.

- I'll have a drink.
- What do you need?

I've been asking myself that all day.

- Seems that lately my life...
- I'll come back.

I forgot that story.

It doesn't top the time Leo and I broke
up that fight in the strip joint.

We walked in there
and there was this one girl who...

Marty, maybe you shouldn't tell
that particular story.

- Because of Roz?
- If I can handle

the Angie-Ursula debate,
I can handle this.

You agreed with me, right?
You said you'd rather sleep with Angie.

One more time, Leo.
If I had to choose.

You start telling them
that strip-joint story.

You guys will bust a gut.
Anybody else need a beer? Roz?

- Remember?
- I'm sorry. I forgot. Yeah.

Afraid you won't control yourself
with all these handsome guys?

Too late for that, Frank.
I'm pregnant.

What, really? That's great.

I remember when Annie was pregnant.

There is nothing more beautiful
than a pregnant broad.

Best thing I ever did was having kids.

From the moment you hold
that brand-new baby in your arms,

- your life changes.
- You're right about that.

What about when they grab your finger?
That's the greatest feeling.

The joy of seeing them
look up at you and smile.

- Cherish every moment, Roz.
- One minute they're on your lap.

Next thing they're out the door
with lives of their own.

And it's just you,
old and alone in an empty house.

So empty.

Leo, I don't think
you told that story right.

- I think Steven likes you.
- I hope so. He's adorable.

I was flattered he assumed
I was an underwear model, too.

You didn't rush to correct him.

There'll be time for that
after the wedding.

Maybe I should just tell
Dr Crane to go home.

I'm surprised you brought your boss.
I could never relax around mine.

- What if he likes the place?
- That's nothing I have to worry about.

This pub really isn't his style.

Daphne, sing a song with us.
You're not shy singing around the house.

You live together?

- She's my dad's healthcare worker.
- You don't model underwear?

Only if her robe's
not cinched up tight enough.

Come on, Frasier, we're going to do
Knees Up, Mother Brown.

I don't know that. I know.
Let's bring sheet music tomorrow night.

Tomorrow? You can't. I mean, do you know
you have that gallery opening tomorrow?

No, but if you hum a few bars,
I'll try to pick it up.

Sherry,
Daphne's clearing out for a night.

Why don't you come over?
I'll get a fire going,

open up a bottle of bubbly,
put a little Bobby Darin on the stereo,

and then
"Look out, Macky's back in town".

I thought it up before I called you.
What's the difference?

OK, see you soon.

Don't you look beautiful.

Thank you. It's so nice to have
my pub back again. At least for a night.

- You are sure Dr Crane has plans?
- He and Niles are going to the opera.

Let's hope it's a long German one. I
don't want him showing up for last call.

Good evening, Daphne.
You look smashing.

- I was just on my way out.
- To the Fox and Whistle? I'll come.

Let me just get me brolly
and Bob's your uncle.

I thought you were
going to the opera.

That's tomorrow night. I hope Winston's
at the pub. I owe him five quid.

- I'm not feeling so well.
- Hope it's not flu.

- I think I'll stay home.
- That's for the best.

Got to be careful what
you bring down to the pub.

Tell me about it.

- Hello, Niles.
- Frasier.

- Is something the matter?
- Had a rough night last night.

How so?

I gave Maris her birthday saddle.

She was so thrilled she treated me
to a little Lady Godiva impression.

Apparently the oils in the saddle
reacted badly with her cellulite cream.

It created a powerful epoxy.

Oh, dear.

It took an hour and a full bottle of
nail polish remover to get her free.

Today her thighs were so raw

the only way she could find comfort was
to straddle a frozen Butterball turkey.

The only thing that cheered me up
was the thought of the opera tonight.

- That's tomorrow.
- No, it's tonight.

- I have the tickets right here.
- Oh, no.

Is there a problem?

Yes. There's a billiard tournament
at the pub tonight.

You're passing up
Orpheus and Eurydice to shoot pool

at a sticky-floored saloon?

My partner Terrence is skipping
a family wedding just to participate.

- Can't somebody take my place?
- I'd just as soon be by myself.

My brother has abandoned me.
My wife is cursing me.

When Orpheus descends into hell, I'll
be waiting for him with a fruit basket.

You can't stay mad at me. I'll
make it up to you. Press for the lift.

Don't look at me that way.
That's what they call it.

Ah, baby...

Why is it so bloody dark in here?

Bad enough I have to stay home,
I'm not going blind as well.

You're staying in?

No choice since your son
decided to go to my pub again.

Imagine being so dense that
you can ruin someone else's evening

and not even be aware of it.
This wax is dripping.

Have you tried maybe dropping a hint?

Believe me, I've dropped plenty.
They go right over his head.

I'll have a glass of that.

I've got to level with you.

Sherry's coming over and
I'd hoped to have the place to myself.

You ought to talk to Frasier,

and I'm not saying this
to get you out of here.

- Tell him to go find his own place.
- I can't say that.

The longer you let it go,
the more attached he's going to get.

- But he's my boss.
- But it's your pub.

OK. That's it.
I'm going to go talk to him.

Good for you.

Hello?

No, Maris,
sorry, you just missed him.

Why are your teeth chattering?

You're kidding me.
Can't you just use the defroster?

I never dreamed we'd be eliminated
from the tournament in the first round.

Guess I was a little rustier
than I thought.

- Maybe you can still make that wedding.
- It's in Liverpool.

Well, then, these are on me.

Hey, it's Daphne. Hello, love.

Evening, all.
Dr Crane, I have to talk to you.

By all means, Daphne.

Winston, let's have one of these pints
for Miss Moon, please.

This is a nice surprise.
You must be feeling better.

Here we are. You make a toast.

I don't want you
coming down here ever again.

I guess "Here's mud in your eye"
sounded mean the first time, too.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh
but I don't know what else to do.

This is where I come to get away
from things, including my job,

- and you are my boss.
- Daphne, I am so sorry.

- I know that must sound selfish.
- No, not at all.

You know, back in Boston
I had a bar like this one.

I certainly understand what it's like
to have a place where you can get away.

So, we've just got one solution.
This is your bar. I'll just go.

I do appreciate this, Dr Crane.
I know you've made friends here, too.

But you've got a history here.

They've become like family to me.

I'll just settle up and go.

Hey, stranger.

I've not been gone that long.
Two months is all.

- Who's this new girl?
- Daphne, Clare's friend.

- Been coming in the last month.
- A month?

Hello. I'll see you at home, Dr Crane.

- You've only been coming here a month?
- That's longer than you.

There's no way I'm leaving now.
This bar has filled a void.

I won't throw that away
because you beat me here by a fortnight.

Stop talking like us.

I don't know what you're arguing about

but we settle things round here
with a quick game of cricket.

- Darts?
- Yeah, rules are on the board.

- There's got to be a better way.
- Well, I don't know. It's decisive.

It's better than bickering.

- It's not exactly my game.
- It's not mine either.

- All right, let's try it.
- You shoot first, Daphne.

I'm proud of us.
Two people with a conflict.

We found a civilised way to settle it.

Oh, my.

- Is that good?
- Quite good.

Lucky shot, then.

If I didn't know better,
I'd think you were trying to hustle me.

Not at all. I may have played
a game or two of feathers in my day.

A game or two? You made the most
difficult shot on the entire board.

Actually, that's only
the second most difficult.

That's the most difficult.

Come to think of it, there might have
been a dartboard in that bar in Boston.

Look at that. It's all tied up.

Who would've guessed
those hands were so skilled?

Certainly no one who's sampled
your corned beef hash.

I score again.

That's not something we hear
out of your mouth very often.

You don't want to rush this one.

- A lot riding on this.
- There's such a thing as sportsmanship.

Really? This from a woman who made
armpit noises during my last round.

Sod!

I am sorry, Daphne. Now all I have to
do is make this relatively simple shot,

- unless you'd like to concede defeat.
- Typical American arrogance.

We Brits don't know
the meaning of the word defeat.

Then you're not acquainted with a spat
called the Revolutionary War.

Out of my way.

Just like a Yank. Insulting us Brits
to cover up your inferiority complex.

What should we feel inferior about?

Your pioneering work
in the field of soccer hooliganism?

Say your worst. There isn't as much
dignity in this entire country

- as our queen's got in her finger.
- You've bested me there.

What's more dignified
than a dowdy sandbag

with a flower pot on her head?

I win. The bar is mine.

Lose the long faces, lads.
I'm staying.

I hope you didn't take those barbs
about the motherland seriously.

- Perhaps you'd better leave now.
- There's no greater Anglophile than I.

No, really, I have
all my suits made at Savile Row.

I spell "colour" with a "u".

Hello, Niles.

Well, look who's here.
Take a wrong turn on the way to the pub?

Actually, that scene has grown tiresome

and I miss this place.

I've spoken to Daphne.
I take it it's over "over there"?

You don't have to rub it in.

Anyway, I know I owe you an apology
from the other night, so, here.

I brought you a peace offering.

Orpheus and Eurydice.
Thank you, Frasier.

The Glyndebourne production.
I don't have this one.

The Chorus of the Furies is particularly
moving and Janet Baker...

...is quite simply the best contralto
solo I've ever heard.

Thank you, Frasier. I don't have
Orpheus and Eurydice on eight-track yet.

But I'm surprised to see you.
No woodworking club today?

To tell you the truth,
I've grown tired of that crowd

with their stupid bookends
and birdhouses.

As soon as I shellac
my shoetrees, I'm out of there.

- You got thrown out.
- I did not.

- I can see through you.
- Are you a psychiatrist?

No, but I can see it in your face.
You got kicked out.

Don't be ridiculous.
Why would they throw me out?