Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 8 - Desperately Seeking Closure - full transcript

Half-caf latte, please.

- I like this new system. It's lively.
- What can I get for you?

I'll have a double short,
low-fat, no-foam latte.

- Double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.
- Double short, non-fat, low-foam latte.

I think there was a problem.
The middle person reversed part of it.

She said double short, non-fat,
low-foam latte.

- Double short, non-fat, low-foam latte.
- Double short, non-fat, low-foam latte.

No, you did it again.
That's not what I want.

You can just tell her yourself.

A double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.

Double short, low-fat, no-foam latte.



- Nutmeg?
- Nutmeg?

No, thanks.
It inflames my stomach lining.

Inflames his stomach lining.

Stop that.

- Hello, Niles.
- Welcome back.

I trust you and Samantha
had a pleasant weekend?

It was fabulous. We stayed at this
gorgeous cabin just outside Aspen,

took a chopper every day up
the mountain. I didn't want it to end.

Is that why you're still wearing
that jacket in an overheated cafe?

In Aspen we all wear them indoors.
The funniest thing happened.

Jack Nicholson and Tom Brokaw

were wearing the same jacket,
so they staged a fight.

Donna Karan flew in to referee.

I laughed so hard I nearly spilled my
toddy on someone named Boof Daddy.



Can I get anything else?

A dustpan and broom to sweep up
some of these names.

Cappuccino, please.

- Niles, did we have plans for tonight?
- Yes, why?

It's my one-month anniversary with Sam.
I'd like to take her to L'Escalier.

I understand. One month is a milestone.

Thanks for the reminder.
I need to change my water filter.

They put nutmeg on this.

Meg Ryan told me
about the practical joke

Tony Hopkins played on Jodie
at the wrap party for Lambs.

My stomach lining is just not going
to get a break today, is it?

- Sorry I was late.
- That's all right.

I ordered us
the "Taste of Monaco" dinner.

Good choice.

That's what you ordered
on our first date.

Of course, it wasn't food
you were craving that night.

You whisked me away back to my place
before the crab cakes could even arrive.

There's no better way
to celebrate an anniversary

than with an historical re-enactment.

I've got my costume on underneath.

I'm really looking forward
to those crab cakes.

Great. Well, yes, I suppose
we should try the food here once.

But leave some room. You'll find
a Frasier mint on your pillow later.

By the way,
thanks again for this weekend.

You're welcome.

I think it was a turning point for us.
Well, for me. See, I was so relaxed.

I'm usually very tentative.

I have this dark fear
that I'm about to be cut loose.

- Frasier?
- I'm just being so insecure.

It's nice to know I'm on solid ground.

- Frasier...
- I'm standing on quicksand, aren't I?

I didn't want to talk about this
until later. It's...

It's just not working out
between the two of us.

No, it's not you. It's me. I just don't
feel the same way about us anymore.

But things were going so well.
What happened?

Nothing happened.
We've had a wonderful time together.

It's just run its course.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

- I hope we can still be friends.
- Yes, I'd like that, too.

Seeing as how we're friends and all,

there's no reason we shouldn't
enjoy what's sure to be a splendid meal.

- Absolutely.
- Great. OK.

- Your first course.
- Thank you.

- How many more courses are there?
- Six, sir.

Could you bring those all at once?

Good Lord. Look at this headline.

"Martin Crane Dead".

You don't need much coffee after that.

58. Poor guy. Hardly had a life.

- Handsome fellow.
- Yeah. Multi-millionaire.

Decorated war hero. Wrote a spy novel.
"Survived by his wife Florence,

a former Miss Washington and
two sons, Joe, a Marine Corps colonel,

and professional baseball player
Mickey Crane".

Nothing like starting the day off
jealous of a dead guy.

- Hello, all.
- Morning, Dr Crane.

- You were up and out early today.
- I felt like taking a walk.

Got a lot on my mind.
Picked up some pastries.

Whatever it is, you'll cheer up when you
see these photos from your ski weekend.

I admit, I took a peek. I must say,
this Sam of yours is quite a catch.

She's gorgeous, smart, stylish...

- We broke up last night.
- Orange juice, anyone?

- I'm sorry to hear that.
- It was a mutual decision.

A little more mutual
on her part than mine.

Once she dumped me,
I jumped right on board.

- Anyway, I'll be fine, Dad.
- Just put it all behind you.

Exactly. I must admit, I'm having
a little difficulty achieving closure.

Sam said that her feelings changed
for no reason.

I think it might have been
something specific about me.

- Don't make this your fault.
- She's probably telling the truth.

If she's trying to spare your feelings,
it'll be "It's not you, it's me".

- That's exactly what she said.
- Waffles, anyone?

You always look for explanations
but sometimes there isn't one.

I know, Dad.
It's going to drive me crazy.

Until I know why it ended,
I'll assume it was any number of things.

- My self-confidence will be shattered.
- You got two choices.

You can spend days
trying to figure it out.

Or you can make a clean break,
never talk to her again,

and get on with your life.

That's exactly what I should do.
Thank you.

- No problem.
- Sometimes you're very insightful.

I've been around the block a few times.

- So when are you going to talk to her?
- Right after my waffles.

Sam! What are the chances?
You've found my thinking place.

Frasier, listen,
I'm ten minutes late for a deposition.

- We can walk and talk.
- All right.

I love our new arrangement. This being
friends thing's going to work out great.

Could you pick up the pace a little?

- How have you been?
- I just saw you last night.

Now that you bring up last night...

You do walk fast.
I was hoping for a little clarification.

This has nothing to do with you.

Yes, but it seems highly unlikely
that such a sudden change

could have nothing to do with me.

Maybe it was something
that I did unintentionally.

I'm not sure. Sorry. My fault.

Something this weekend maybe?
I played the piano too long,

but who knew General Schwarzkopf
loved show tunes?

All right.
There's nothing I'm not telling you.

Sometimes things just end.
Please try not to take it so personally.

- All right.
- Look, I really am late.

I'll talk to you soon, OK?

Take care.

What's the matter with you?

That's just it.

I don't know.

Where is Frasier? He knows we have
reservations at Bavetta's.

If you're late, they make you sit
in the kitchen with the owner's mother.

What did I do with that remote?
Daph, are you sure you haven't seen it?

- Positive.
- They ought to make one with a sensor.

20 feet from the TV and it beeps.

Or for a deaf person, they could make
one with purple smoke coming out of it

like some kind
of flare system or something.

Please!
You've got to get out of the house more.

Hello, all.
Niles, what a pleasant surprise.

Just what Mama Bavetta will say
when we pull up a chair.

Dinner. I completely forgot.

I took a long walk after work.
I'm sorry, Niles.

It must have slipped my mind.

You're still consumed
with the Sam situation?

- Trying to figure out what happened.
- The relationship ended.

- There's got to be a reason.
- You're fixated.

I am not. That is fixated.
Dad, what are you doing?

This is stupid. Maybe if I stick
together about ten chopsticks,

put a rubber tip on the end
for gripping.

- Hello.
- Be ready in a sec, Roz.

- The movie doesn't start till eight.
- I forgot you two had plans.

I was wondering...

No, I don't know
why Sam broke up with you.

Just like I didn't know two hours ago.
Just like Gil, Bulldog

and Miss Judy from
the Arts and Crafts Hour didn't know.

Never hurts to ask.
Miss Judy had some real insights

before she had to make her
Popsicle stick run.

- I'm going to watch the game at Duke's.
- Wait. I'd like to ask a favour.

In the spirit of self-improvement,

I'd like you to tell me
in your own words

what about me you find unlovable.

Please, honestly, for the sake
of my future relationships.

I know you're afraid
to hurt my feelings,

but I can stand
a little constructive criticism.

Tell me, what do you
think are my main faults?

Let's start with this.
You analyse everything to death.

Sam said it wasn't your fault,
but you keep digging around

until you drive everybody nuts.

Dad thinks I am over-analytical.

That's great.
OK, who's next? Niles?

I'm not sure
how useful this exercise is.

- You're going to participate.
- Pushy.

Yes, if that's what it takes to...
Oh, thank you.

Daphne, it's your turn. Don't be shy.

Well, if I had to choose,
I'd say you are a bit of a fussbudget.

If you don't mind this substitution,
"demanding" is more le motjuste.

- Pretentious.
- Right. Now see, this is very good.

Roz?

- You're a little full of yourself.
- Great. OK. Pompous.

And you do tend to ramble on
with the callers.

- Tad loquacious.
- Pretentious.

- Dad, I already wrote that down.
- Underline it.

- Snippy.
- Sarcastic.

- Bossy.
- Huffy.

- Vain.
- That's a good one.

How nice. We finally found an activity
we can all enjoy together.

Why don't you
admit what you're doing?

This isn't a
"help me be a better person" thing.

You're trying to win Sam back.

- That's preposterous.
- Look who you're talking to.

I've been down this road so many times
they call it the Roz Expressway.

I've heard that phrase before,
but in a slightly different context.

Maybe there is some truth
in what you say.

I mean, after all,
Sam is really quite a catch.

Why wouldn't I want to get her back?

But you shouldn't change yourself
just to please her. It's not healthy,

and it doesn't work. If it did,
Steve Wilson would be my husband

and not just some name
tattooed on my butt.

The best thing you can do is nothing.

Let her think about what she's missing.

I totally agree. No candy. No flowers.
And whatever you do, don't call.

Nothing wrong with
keeping the lines of communication open.

- You called, didn't you?
- I left a carefully worded message.

You never call.
It makes you look desperate.

I didn't have any choice.
She wouldn't return any of my pages.

- I've blown it, haven't I?
- What did you say on your message?

Nothing undignified. Of course,
tone of voice is everything.

I should play them for you.

- You have her access code?
- Yes, I set it up with her.

I gave her an easy to remember code.
My birthday.

What's so easy about May 7th?

I wouldn't know, Dad.
My birthday's in March.

That's right. The 7th.
That's Eddie's.

Here we go. All right, now, listen and
tell me if you think I sound desperate.

Hi, Sam. Two quick things:
dinner at L'Escalier is now at 8.30

and the judge needs to see you at nine
tomorrow morning, not ten. Bye.

- Not desperate, feminine.
- Shut up, Niles.

Hello, Sam. It's Frasier.
Give me a call if you get a chance. Bye.

You don't sound desperate at all.

Hi, Sam. I'll be at the office.
Call me. It's Frasier.

Maybe just a whiff of desperation.

Hi, I'm at the office now.

Still at the office.

I stepped out to the coffee machine.
Thought I might have missed you.

How quickly a whiff becomes a stench.

They just get worse after that.

- There's more?
- Yes, not any more, though.

- There. Messages erased.
- Your messages weren't the only ones.

What about the one
about the meeting with the judge?

- You're right.
- What are you going to do about it?

I could call saying
I erased that message

while erasing messages I left earlier.

- With her secret access code.
- Oh, God, this is humiliating.

I hate to appear unsupportive, but
I've got to get to Duke's for the game.

- And we'll be late for that movie.
- Wait. I forgot my purse.

Don't worry about it, Frasier.
You'll be fine. You'll bounce back.

- You're tough.
- And resourceful.

- Resilient.
- Optimistic.

- Tenacious.
- Conceited.

Different list, Daph.

See you all.

Hard to believe this picture was taken
only three days ago.

Look at us. How happy I was.

Now I'll never see her again.

Aren't you over-dramatising?
You're bound to run into her.

No, I was talking about
me and Lesley Stahl.

Looking at these photos,
I can't help noticing

there are very few
of you and Sam together.

- What are you getting at?
- I'm just wondering how much

- you really feel for this woman.
- I haven't felt this way in ages.

I'm sorry. Guess I was wrong.
It's love then.

I don't know about love. I mean, we've
only been seeing each other for a month.

But you could fall in love with her.

Possibly.

- Sometime down the line.
- Yes. Perhaps.

Well, no wonder you're heartbroken.

You've just lost the only woman
you could even possibly,

sometime down the line,
perhaps fall in love with.

I'm surprised the country music people
haven't jumped all over this one.

So I don't rhapsodise about her.

You did rhapsodise
when she took you to Cigare Volant

and you were seated in a secret
VIP room we never knew existed.

Are you suggesting I'm so shallow
I was with her for her connections?

Let's face it, you've always had
a yearning to run with the cool kids,

and it's never worked out for you.
Your one day on the football team.

The summer you bought a motorcycle.
Although...

It's only a moped if you pedal it,
and I never pedalled.

I just wonder if what you're mourning
isn't so much the loss of Sam

as the loss of her celebrity lifestyle.

I must admit things never
did seem quite right between us.

If it hadn't been for her friends, l
probably would've broken it off myself.

- Shame on me.
- Don't punish yourself, Frasier.

At least you're deep enough
to realise you're shallow.

- Dinner?
- Let's.

Although I've still
got to phone her about that message.

Why don't we stop by L'Escalier
on our way? You can tell her in person.

Even better. Niles, I can't tell
you how helpful this has been.

How can I ever repay you?

You can get me
into that VIP room at Cigare Volant.

Where is the entrance?
Behind the cigarette machine?

No, that's just a decoy. It's through
the dry-cleaner next door.

- Hello, Sam.
- Frasier.

- I know you didn't expect to see me.
- No.

Of course, after those messages,
I can't say I'm surprised.

You heard them?

I checked my machine.
Frasier, we really need to talk.

No, we don't. I promise you,
I will never call you again.

I've thought about it and
you made the right decision.

- No, I didn't.
- Excuse me?

Please, sit down. I was going
to call you later anyway.

You see, I think I figured out
what happened between the two of us.

I panicked.
I was starting to really care about you,

thought we might have a future even
and, well, it scared me.

But the way you've pursued me,
showing up at the courthouse,

and leaving all of those messages.
Well, and now you're here.

Obviously you feel just as strongly
as I do. It's funny really.

Both of us falling in love and not
realising the other felt the same way.

We should be laughing.

Listen, Sam...

No. I'm going to tell you what
we'll be doing this weekend.

We are taking the Concorde to London
for a party at Alec Guinness' place.

Well, I'm not so sure...
Sir Alec Guinness?

I know it's a long way to go,
but Stephen is going to be there

and he'll play some songs
from the new one.

I don't know if...
Stephen Sondheim?

- Guess who's singing with him.
- No, please, don't tell me. Please.

Frasier, what is it?
You seem upset.

Sam, I can't see you anymore.

What?

You're an incredible woman,
but I've come to a realisation about us.

Well, about me.
And I just don't see any future for us.

I know it sounds strange
after the way I was pursuing you,

but I've been in it
for all the wrong reasons.

- Like what?
- I'm not very proud of this but

maybe I was a little dazzled
by the circle you travel in.

So you were with me just so you could be
around some famous people?

- I was fond of you as well.
- Fond of me? Thank you very much.

I understand you're upset
and I'm going to go.

I don't believe this. My friends.

Look, I know it's shallow and it's
something I'm going to have to work on.

- Hi, Sam. How are you?
- Lesley. Hello.

It's Frasier Crane. We met this weekend.

- How are you?
- What kind of sick bastard are you?

You're right.
We're having a bit of a spat,

but of course I don't need to tell you
being the ace reporter that you are.

Just get out of here right now.

- Maybe we could have lunch.
- Get out.

What's the matter with me?

Lesley...