Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 7 - My Fair Frasier - full transcript

-Morning, Roz.
- Hey, Frasier.

For you. A little token of thanks.

After you cut those new promos,
Dr Frank on KTLK

practically vanished from the radio.

I'm not good at picking out gifts,

but when I saw this in the window
I knew it was perfect for you.

Maybe I should've gone with the shawl.

It's not the purse.
Although I do hate it.

I don't even know why I'm crying.

It's the pregnancy. A soup of hormones
churns through your body

and your emotions are rising and falling



- at the slightest provocation.
- That's idiotic.

- All right. Is something else going on?
- Last night was a disaster.

- Right, your date.
- Everything was fine

and when he tried to order me a drink
I told him I was pregnant.

You didn't tell him before the date?

It's not the easiest thing
to tell someone.

I was hoping my radiant glow
would do the talking for me.

Your glow?
Roz, do you really think that

anyone could miss your glow?

So, I tell him, and he says fine,
it's not a problem.

Five minutes later
his pager is vibrating.

He has an emergency.
He has to go to work.

- Maybe he was telling the truth.
- He sells wicker furniture.

Who needs their end tables re-caned
at 9.30 at night?



I owe you an apology, Roz,
it's not the hormones.

You're embarking
on a life-changing journey.

Anybody would be emotional.

I think you're handling it beautifully.

Thanks, Frasier.

I'm fine.
I just need to go back to work.

My pen is out of ink.

Let's not discount the hormones
altogether.

Hello, I'd like to return this purse.

I'm terribly sorry but this was a sale
item and we have a no-return policy.

- Your wife didn't like it?
- I'm not married.

- Girlfriend?
- No. No girlfriend.

I don't have time to go into
my other non-existent relationships.

It was a gift for a friend.

Perhaps your "friend" would like to
make it work with some matching shoes.

- We have up to size 13.
- This really was a gift,

and I would thank you when you say
the word "friend" not to italicise it.

Excuse me, sir,
I couldn't help overhearing.

- May I help you out here?
- You hold her down, I can do the rest.

Hopefully, that won't be necessary.

Jill, we're all reasonable people.

Why don't you just
give this gentleman a store credit?

I don't make the rules.

But a shrewd saleswoman such as yourself

knows that this business isn't about
rules. It's about relationships.

Look at this man.
Cultured, impeccably dressed.

The sort of man
you'd love to have a relationship with.

There's one thing standing
in the way of that relationship.

- He's not happy with his purse.
- It's not my purse.

Maybe his purse was the wrong colour.
Maybe it didn't hold enough.

It's not my purse.

If he walks away unhappy,
he may never shop here again.

And who knows what he might have
bought in the future?

Scarves, gloves, hosiery.
The choice is yours, Jill.

The commissions that come
from a lifelong relationship,

or the hollow satisfaction
of knowing you followed the rules?

OK, I'll go get the forms.

Thank you. That was very impressive.

You should see me return
something hard like a house or a kidney.

The secret is persistence.

- I'm Frasier Crane.
- Samantha Pierce. Sam.

- Are you Dr Frasier Crane?
- Yes, I am.

I thought your voice sounded familiar.
For a while, I thought you were

the "white zone is for loading
and unloading only" guy.

I get that a lot.

Sam, may I thank you
by taking you to dinner tonight?

That's very sweet of you, but I was
just trying to be a good Samaritan.

- Thanks anyway.
- No, thank you.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

- Oh, Sam?
- OK. I'd love to go to dinner.

- That's wonderful.
- See? Persistence pays off.

I was going to ask you
to get my parking validated.

But this works out very well, too.

- What are you doing?
- Just watching football with you.

- What's the score?
- 27-20.

Great.

- Want to know who's winning?
- Not particularly, no.

Someone has a special evening planned.

What tipped you off?
My incredible self-confident air?

No, your silver collar pin. You
only wear it when you've got a hot date.

Good work getting all the tarnish off.
It shined up quite nicely.

- Evening, Dr Crane.
- Hello, Daphne. Dad, Frasier.

- You ready to go?
- Give me a minute.

Niles, I can't make it
to the boat show with you and Dad.

- It'll just be the two of you.
- Too bad. Well, maybe some other time.

Goodness. It is a clear night.

It's been rather windy lately.

- Look at those stars. Is that Orion?
- Yes, I believe it is.

What are you doing?
We have a mutual support pact.

When there's a Dad event,
we're there for each other.

I have a date
with a spectacular woman.

So what? I gave up Traviata tickets
to support you at a tractor pull.

I thought we could stop
at that medieval restaurant for dinner.

Sounds great, Dad.

Daphne, would you like to use
my ticket for the boat show tonight?

That would be nice.

Very crafty.

Who's the lucky lady?

Her name is Samantha Pierce.
We just met yesterday.

She recognised me from my radio show.

In fact, when I asked her out,

I sensed a shyness
which made me wonder

if she was intimidated by my fame.

Did you say Samantha Pierce?

- Short blonde hair, blue eyes?
- Right.

She's on Larry King.

We're here with noted attorney
Samantha Pierce.

Currently she's trying a case in Seattle
defending "The Butcher Knife Killer".

Sam, do you think
being in the public eye,

dating some of the world's
most famous men,

affects the way jurors perceive you?

That's not really fair, Larry.
I don't date public figures.

What about the much-publicised
relationship with Kevin Costner?

Just a rumour.

- George Stephanopoulos?
- A rumour, too.

- Brad Pitt is another rumour?
- Yeah, but I started that one.

I can certainly see
how she'd be intimidated by your fame.

I thought her name sounded familiar.
I must have read it.

Congratulations.
You're playing in the big leagues now.

Kevin Costner, Stephanopoulos,

you...

Don't let him shake your confidence.
You'll be fine.

Maybe she's had her fill of attractive
men and is ready for a change.

Aren't I lucky? Normally a troll like me
has to trick a woman to get a date.

I once dated a man who had gone out with
several of the top British actresses

but got sick of their vanity
and insecurity.

See, it does happen.

After he got through slumming, he dumped
me and went back to actresses.

He did get me a signed
picture of Helena Bonham Carter.

She's riding a pony.

Teddy Kennedy, Henry Kissinger and
the Dalai Lama are on this plane...

- I think I've heard this joke.
- No, this really happened to me.

Well, don't I feel silly.

Never mind,
it's not a very good story anyway.

- How's your appetiser?
- It's delicious.

- Your salad?
- It's very good.

Actually, I haven't even tried it yet.

I was right.

I hope this doesn't offend you,
but I've had a stressful day,

and I don't have the energy
to make small talk.

Plus, I'm not very hungry.
Would you mind terribly if we just...?

I know where this is headed.
You don't have to say it.

Frasier, could we just go someplace
and have sex?

Well, that you did have to say.

I'm sorry. That sounded forward.

But it's the only thing
I want to do right now.

I'm flattered
and the thought is very tempting,

but on my show I'm constantly preaching

that people
should get to know one another,

have things in common
before taking that kind of step.

- What's your favourite colour?
- Blue.

Mine, too. Check, please.

- How was the boat show?
- It was wonderful.

They had this great exhibit
where you climb into this boat,

put on a life jacket
and they simulate what it's like

to be caught out at sea in a hurricane.

Niles, why did you ever agree
to go on a ride like that?

I didn't. I dined at the snack bar.

I guess this wasn't a very hot night
for you, huh? Home by 10.30?

Found my bra.

This is embarrassing.

Not at all. No, Sam,
this is my brother, Dr Niles Crane,

and my father, Martin Crane, and
his healthcare worker, Daphne Moon.

I've been watching the trial
on TV. It's fascinating.

For us, too.

I'd better get going. I have an early
morning. Lovely meeting all of you.

- I had a wonderful evening.
- So did I.

Good night.

- I'm off to bed.
- Not so fast, mister.

I can tell by that goofy smile of yours
that you're smitten.

Thank you, Niles,
but I am not some dewy-eyed teenager.

She did say the cutest things.

She said murderers often show
no remorse for their actions

because they have no moral centre.

It was cute the way she said it.

I want you to taste this
and tell me what you think.

That is spectacular.
Where did you learn how to do that?

Just a little something I picked up
as a child at sauce camp.

Hello. What?

When did this happen? Because we're
expected to give full disclosure.

Can't Brendan handle it?

All right.

I suppose you know
what I'm about to say.

You want to skip dinner again
and go straight to sex?

I'm sorry, Frasier. I really am.
You went to all this trouble.

Fine French cooking is always better
after a night in the fridge.

We just came back to get our umbrellas.

- No, stay.
- I've been called back to work.

- Don't let a good meal go to waste.
- Morel mushroom and tarragon sauce.

How did you know?

Niles can identify a sauce
from a great distance.

His mother and I were so proud.

If it's not too late, maybe I'll be able
to come back over after.

- Either way I'll call you.
- That's what you said yesterday.

I told you I was sorry about that.
I promise I'll call.

Shame.
And after you cooked that lovely meal.

Let me tell you something,
crown roast does not prepare itself.

It's funny.
As much as I care for this woman,

there's something about this
relationship that leaves me unsettled.

I might venture a theory
at which you're sure to hoot.

What may be making you uncomfortable
is that

you find yourself
in the more submissive role.

What are you talking about?

I think what he means is
you're the girl.

Think about it.
How did you two first meet?

She came to your rescue. Who initiated
the first sexual encounter? She did.

She did? Who's wearing
the pants in this relationship?

As much fun as it must be for you
to spin out this little theory,

it's without foundation.

There's my rosemary bread.

If it's any consolation,
I know what you're going through.

Women have put up with it
for generations.

Men say they'll call, and they don't.

Or you get a few nice dinners
and then the eventual booty call.

I did not get a booty call.

What's a booty call?

A late-night call inviting you to meet,
but with the goal of just having sex.

I did get a booty call.

Frasier, you should nip this thing
in the bud before it gets out of hand.

We don't have to look beyond
our own family to find an example

of someone who let a woman
run the show from the start

and has been paying for it ever since.

Poor Uncle Frank.

I'm wasting my time fighting you.

You can take any detail
from this relationship

and twist it
to support your ridiculous theory.

I saw a guy selling these.
I thought they'd cheer you up.

They're beautiful.

- You are so...
- Really got to run.

I suppose now you're going
to read something into this.

- I really love that tie.
- You should. You sent it to me.

Oh, yeah, right.

- Your secretary picked it out.
- He has better taste than I do.

Don't worry about tonight.
I know how boring these parties are

and I promise we won't stay long.

Sam.

Meet our senior partner, Daniel Gill.

How are you? Sam, they're ready
for us on that conference call.

It'll just take a minute.

You're new.

I'm Frasier.

I'm Jennifer, Stewart's wife.
This is Cindy Dolce.

She's married to Bob.
Terri Bailey. She's living with Ed.

And Vanessa Saint-Claire,
soon to be Mrs Irving Lumpowsky.

Good heavens.

How long have you and Sam
been seeing each other?

About three weeks. We haven't
been able to get much time together

but she assures me that'll all change
as soon as the trial's over.

There's always another trial.
But you'll get used to the life.

Dates getting cancelled,
dinners left uneaten.

But at least
you'll get sent plenty of flowers.

Jennifer, he's a man.
He won't get flowers.

Sam, could I have a word with you
in private, please?

Is there something wrong?

It's not the best time
to bring this up,

but I feel
an uneasiness about this relationship.

What do you mean?

I'm not one to get bogged down
in male-female role playing.

It's just that lately...

Take our first date. We'd barely
begun dinner when you suggested

we go to bed together.

Traditionally, that is...

every man's dream. OK, bad example.

But then you cancel dates all the time
and you say you'll call and you don't.

And you have your secretary send me
a gift and when I get upset about it,

you think
you can buy me off with flowers.

Is that it? That's what
you dragged me out here for?

I'm in the middle of the most intense
case of my career.

A man's life hangs in the balance
and you're whining about flowers?

- Whining's a little strong.
- Well, tell me what you mean, Frasier.

If you were the one working late hours,
breaking dates and sending gifts,

- would that be OK?
- No, that's not it.

You're a psychiatrist.
Shouldn't you be above all of this?

I'm just telling you how I feel.

Do you want to be the traditional man

- and I'll be the put-upon woman?
- No, that's not what I want.

I just wish we could have a relationship
where neither one of us is the man.

So that would make us what?

A lesbian couple?

They're very in now.

Frasier, I know
no one likes being stood up.

I'll try to be more understanding.

And I'll try
to stop being so damn emotional.

I'm glad we had this talk because
I was about to make a big mistake.

What?

The other day when we were in the store
you mentioned you liked something,

and, typical me,
I just ran right out and bought it.

Sort of dodged a bullet there,
didn't we?

So what was it?

This.

And you bought this for me?

I'm really rather embarrassed, Frasier.
You were right.

I take relationships for granted,
and then I just run off to Cartier

- and buy a gift to make up for it.
- Cartier?

No, I'll return it, I promise.
I know how strongly you feel.

Maybe I've been
a bit self-absorbed lately.

You're a person
who likes to express their affection

by buying gifts.
Who am I to stand in your way?

It's lovely.

Frasier, it isn't about the gifts.

I give gifts because
I can never think of the right words.

Is this what you're trying to say?

Very well put.

Let's get out of here.
I'll get our coats.

No, I will get our coats.

- You don't know where they are.
- All right. You get them.

I'm so bored. What time is it?

Time? Let's just have a look.

Isn't that fabulous? It's Cartier.
Sam gave it to me.