Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Gift Horse - full transcript

-Good morning, Roz.
- Good morning.

What was that?

- Shoot! He's not even here.
- Who?

Remember that guy
who dumped me last month?

I thought he was behind me.

I wanted him to see me with a guy
so he'd know I'm over him.

Good idea.

If that doesn't work we can marry and
have children. That'll fix his wagon.

I know you remember him... Stan?

Stan... The smug stockbroker
that kept calling me "Fraser"?

- Oh, God...
- That's him.



We're hot and heavy,
then he stops calling.

It's humiliating to be treated
like you don't exist.

How can he not hear the difference
between Frasier and Fraser?

That's what bugged me the most, too.
Double espresso to go, please.

I almost forgot. Here's an invitation
to my dad's birthday party.

Sherry's giving it, so please excuse
the elegant verse, but...

"Come one, come all, to jump and jive,
Marty Crane's turning 'sexty-five."'

- Oh, my God, here he is. Please...
- Oh, all right.

- Hello.
- Hello, Niles.

This isn't what it looks like.
Her ex-boyfriend was... Stop that!

Please, no explanation necessary.

At the next meeting of the
"Haven't Kissed Roz" Club,

it'll just be me
and the Archbishop.

I'll save you the club dues.



Everyone kisses better than Maris!

One of the same for Dr Crane, please.
Thanks.

Sorry I'm late.
I was shopping for Dad's present.

I did a bit of that myself this morning.

Found a lovely little calfskin wallet
with a matching key case.

Well, bravo, Frasier.

It was a full $20 below
our agreed-upon spending limit.

- I'm glad we agreed to rein ourselves.
- God, me too.

Do away with our annual contest to see
who could get Dad the most lavish gift.

The competition had gotten...
What is the best word for it?

- Extreme.
- No, childish.

- Gaudy.
- Crass.

- Obscene.
- Baroque.

Stop it!

So, what did you get him?

Oh, just some beer.

We're not bumping our heads
on that spending ceiling.

It's a bit fancier.
It's a membership in a beer club.

They deliver a case
from a micro-brewery monthly.

You know, I looked into those clubs.
They were rather expensive.

Not really. I'm at our limit.

Maybe with taxes,
I'm a drop or two over.

- How big a drop?
- Just $100 over.

- That's a downpour!
- It's a dribble.

That's a deluge, and stop it!

Why not stick $100 in that wallet
of yours and we're even?

Frankly, I don't need to buy Dad's love.

You saw fit to violate our agreement,
so be it.

- I have a gift. You have a gift.
- Fine.

Big baby.

Stare all you like.
You'll not distract me from my paper.

You see? Your efforts are futile.
I can't even see you.

It's so unhealthy. Isn't she serving
anything at Dad's party but meat?

Sherry says that's what he
and his old cronies like.

With drinks,
she's serving cocktail franks.

For appetisers,
we're having a sausage medley,

and for the main course, there's
a choice of meatloaf or meatballs.

I assume these balloons
are for the between-course angioplasty.

- Did you get everything, darlin'?
- I think so.

Good news! I found a guy
who can sculpt an exact replica

of Marty's old police badge
out of six pounds of liverwurst.

Reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel
they gave Thurgood Marshall on his 80th.

We can't use this photograph.
It's too embarrassing.

That's why we're using it.

I'm decorating the party
with pictures of Marty from the force.

We can't use this one of me
at the morgue. It's too disturbing.

You're right.
I'd forgotten you even had a perm.

Dear Lord.

I can't wait to see
this guy again. Mickey Dugan.

- We rode Mounted Patrol together.
- Look at you!

You look so big and handsome
on your horse!

- Oh, my God! When was this taken?
- April Fool's Day.

That explains why your horses
are wearing brassieres.

God, I loved that horse. Old Agides
and I were together for eight years.

- Best partner I ever had.
- We should get going.

Wherever did you find a bra
that could fit a horse?

Mickey brought it in from home.

Mae Dugan was a lot of things,
but petite she wasn't.

I'll point her out at the party.

Honey, if that's her bra,
I can spot her myself.

- Sherry, Niles?
- No, thanks. I've got a session.

- Dr Crane, is your father gone?
- Yes, he has.

Good, I'll wrap his present.
They fit fine in this box.

- Great. Off you go.
- Wait a minute.

- That box is big for what you got him.
- No, it isn't.

Your binoculars
fit just perfectly in here.

You told me you got him
a wallet and a key case.

Oh, no, not this again.
It's the same nonsense every year.

We'd agreed to a spending limit
until someone else exceeded it.

All right, guilty as charged.

We've each violated the pact once.
Let's stop before this gets out of hand.

If you ask me, your gifts
complement one another perfectly.

Your binoculars
and your football tickets.

- Tickets?
- Season tickets to the Seahawks.

I don't believe you!
You already had a better gift than mine.

You still needed
to take it to a higher level!

I knew you'd upgrade that wallet,
which you did.

Enough is enough.
I'm throwing in the towel.

Why should I believe you?

This is a receipt for the binoculars.
This should prove

that I have no intention of returning
them in order to get a better gift.

Well, that's very big of you.

I'm late for my session.

If it's any consolation, I'm not sure
how good those tickets are.

I'd hoped for the first few
yard lines,

but could only get ones
way back on the fiftieth.

I'm very proud of you, Dr Crane...

Stop babbling. Bring me some tape.

OK, the keg of beer
will be there by six.

I also confirmed the band,
ordered the cake,

filled out the place cards,
picked up the humorous cocktail napkins,

and I'm almost done
making the centrepieces.

This party is just gonna wear me out.

- Hello, Daphne, Sherry.
- Niles!

Double latte, please.
Thank you. Is Frasier with you?

- No, he's out shopping for your dad.
- That jackal!

- What was that all about?
- Brother snit. Don't ask.

I forgot to tell you,

I found this fabulous photograph
of Marty arresting some guy.

I had it blown up to life-size,

then cut out the face
so people could look through

and have a snapshot
of Marty reading them their rights.

Don't you just love it?

- It depends. Do I have to pick it up?
- By five. You're a doll.

- Hello, mesdemoiselles.
- Oh, Frasier!

- Did you find something?
- Yes, I did.

It took most of the afternoon, but
I found something I think is perfect.

Niles forgot his coffee.

- Niles was here?
- Yes.

When I mentioned you were shopping,
he shot out of here.

That little worm!

- Dr Crane, are you all right?
- No, I am not.

I've combed the entire city
trying to find a gift.

Nothing is better
than what Niles got him.

- What did your brother get him?
- I don't know.

I'm sure it's something
any father would just love.

The best thing about turning 65 is,
everybody wants to buy you dinner.

Mr Crane, your top button is unbuttoned.

Duke's taking me
to Hoppe's Old Heidelberg.

You know, if I don't unbutton it now,
it might fly off and hurt somebody.

- Enjoy, Dad.
- Yeah, I will.

I gotta tell ya,
I'm lovin' this birthday.

Suddenly, my money's no good.

Last night Ed Flanagan bought
the bar a round in my honour.

- Who's Ed Flanagan?
- That's what I asked.

- What're you doing tonight, Fras?
- Nothing much.

- Got some shopping to do.
- For anybody we know?

You know, Frasier,
every year you and Niles,

you go overboard trying to find
these great presents for me,

and, you know, I gotta be honest,
it's always made me uncomfortable.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So this year, I just wanted you to know,

I'm over it. So go crazy!

You only turn 65 once!

You know, Dr Crane,

the last thing I want to do is encourage
more competition between you and Niles.

But if you really want to make
your father happy, maybe...

- No, don't even say it!
- It's all he's ever asked for!

No, God, it'll ruin my apartment!
My life! I can't! I won't! I mustn't!

It's over, Dr Crane.

That is one big-screen TV!

- He's gonna love it.
- I know.

Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly.
It just needs dressing up.

Here, I'll just arrange these plants
here at the base.

You always said you needed
more greenery in here.

And maybe an objet or two on top.

Yes, this, this little bud vase.
Here.

That makes a difference, doesn't it?

Sure it does, Dr Crane.
All the difference in the world.

It's ghastly.

You don't just put a smear of lipstick
on the Bride of Frankenstein

and turn her into a trophy wife,
do you?

- Niles!
- Are you ready?

We told Dad we'd pick him up at...

- Oh, my God, you didn't!
- Didn't what?

Buy Dad this television set?

Of course I did!
It's impressive, isn't it?

I knew how jealous you were, but to go
to such insane lengths to top me,

you have lain waste
to your apartment with this eyesore.

I disagree.

You see an eyesore, I see a window
into a world of art and culture.

Think how this screen will enhance
the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera.

Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi.

You're quite
a "Bolshoi" artist yourself.

You're right. It's dreadful, isn't it?

But it's worth it to imagine
the smile it'll put on Dad's face,

not the mention the pleasure
of watching you writhe in envy.

- You're not writhing.
- I'm sorry, my mind wandered.

I was remembering Dad waxing nostalgic
about his beloved old horse Agides.

Don't try to change the subject.
You've lost.

He did love that horse.

You can only live in denial
for so long before you...

You didn't?

Didn't what?
Buy the horse? Sorry. Did.

How could you?

I've set him up in a stable.
Dad can visit him any time he wants.

I'd like to swing by the stable
on the way to the party

so Dad can look his gift horse
in the mouth.

All right, Niles.

What else can I do?

I give up. You win.

You have found the one gift
that can't be trumped.

Thank you, Frasier.
You're a gracious loser.

Still, on the bright side,

I know Dad will love this set.
He really will.

It doesn't seem quite as intrusive
as it did when it got here.

Right this way.

- What are those?
- Your speakers.

Dad, any idea where you are?

It's so mysterious. Hay underfoot.

Stable smells.
That saddle we just tripped over.

- I mean, we could be anywhere.
- All right, all right. Hold on.

Voilà! Happy birthday.

Agides!

Hey, buddy! How ya doin'?

Oh, long time no see.

- What's goin' on?
- He's yours, Dad.

- What?
- I bought him for you.

You're kiddin' me.
I can't believe it.

- You can visit him any time you want.
- What? This is amazing.

How've you been, buddy?
Hey, one plus one equals...?

He remembers!

I figured it was a long shot. They were
about to put him out to pasture.

I set him up here,
the most exclusive stable in town.

Don't be surprised if you spy
a certain resident trotting by

wearing his triple crown.

They don't give them actual crowns,
you twit!

Come on,
we don't want to be late for the party.

I'm sure Sherry's
gettin' warm in that cake.

Dad?

Don't want to be late.

- You all right, Dad?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I said I was fine. I'm fine.

Come on, let's go to my party.

Is there something
you'd like to talk about?

You don't have to pull everything apart.
I said I'm fine, all right? Let's go.

All that effort, all that expense...
How many minutes of joy did it buy?

Oh, dear God,

it's Stonehenge.

I hope it'll cheer Dad up.
The party certainly didn't.

God, I know. Not even when Sherry
sang that little ditty she composed.

"You can cop a feel
if I can feel a cop".

- Brandy, Niles?
- Please.

I tried to draw Dad out at the party.
He shot me down.

You know how he is.

He gets himself into these moods.
He just retreats.

It's just so damned frustrating.

I wonder if that's why we go so insane
trying to find the perfect gift,

as if finding the right present
will change everything.

- That occurred to me, too.
- You didn't mention it.

- It occurred to me.
- So you say.

Stop it!

Hiya, boys!

She's a beaut!

Marty and I are going to be spending
a lot more time over here.

It's a gift that keeps on giving.

- So where's your dad?
- He said he was coming with you.

He told me he was coming home with you.

Why would he do that?

He was a little down at the party.
Maybe he just wanted to go for a walk.

I'm sure he's all right.
He'll be back soon.

Still, it is rather late.
I think I'll just go and look for him.

I think you're fretting needlessly.

Let's fire this baby up.
You like the Nashville Network?

Who am I kidding? I'm worried sick!

Here ya go.

Hey, no offence,
but your teeth look like hell.

I gotta tell ya, the rest of you
is not lookin' much better either.

Here, let me give ya
a little rubdown, huh?

That takes me back.

Of course, your coat
was a lot shinier in those days.

Hell, so was mine.

We were somethin', weren't we, Agides?

Riding crowd control.

People just step aside to let us pass.

Now they're puttin' you out to pasture,
and I'm ridin' the buses.

Yeah, it's fun gettin' old, isn't it?

Hey, but this is a nice place here,
you know.

I bet you're really gonna like it here.

If you don't like it here,
then we'll do what we said we would.

We'll just go to Montana, start a ranch.

We've still got that money from those
drug dealers buried in the box canyon.

All right, Dad,
we know you know we're here.

Then why don't you get
the hell outta here?

I just want to be alone for a minute.
Is that all right?

- Fine. We'll see you later.
- Thank you.

It's troubling
that you feel more comfortable

talking to your horse than to your sons.

We might be able to help you.
The ageing process...

No, now stop it.
You see, this is the problem.

I know everything you're gonna say.

You start talkin' about 65
as being some sort of passage.

Then you'll start spoutin' theories
and who knows what else.

By the time you get through
analysing me, I'm gonna be 66.

Look, when I tell Agides somethin',
you know what he does?

Nothin'. He just listens to me.

- We listen.
- That's my slogan. "I'm listening."

- You know, Dad, for God's sake...
- They pay a great deal of money...

Hey!

Right.

Look, when I saw Agides today,
it was kind of a shock

to see how old he's gotten,
and I just...

- I realised how old I've gotten.
- You still have a lot of years...

- No, please.
- Sorry.

It's not a problem you can solve,
it's just a fact of life.

People get old.

I guess this horse wasn't
the banner gift I thought it would be.

Oh, yes, it was, Niles.

I'm feelin' a bit sorry for myself now,
but I'll get over that.

But I love this horse.
It's the greatest present I've ever got.

Well, I'm glad, Dad.

But, you know,
I think I may have misled you.

The horse is from me and from Frasier.

Oh, geez, I'm sorry. Thanks a lot, Fras.

Well, actually,
it was mostly Niles' idea.

Well, then, thanks to both of ya.
It's just great.

Well, we oughta get goin', huh?
Let's get a move on.

Hey, see you, buddy!

Niles, what a generous gesture.

How can I ever thank you?

By calling your super and getting rid
of that monstrosity in your apartment.

I do visit from time to time, you know.