Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 3 - Halloween - full transcript

Trick or treat.
Or should I say pip pip?

- What's with the outfit?
- This is part of your costume.

You said you were getting me
a Sherlock Holmes outfit.

They were out of Sherlock Holmes.
Don't worry, it's another detective.

You'll be Lord Peter Wimsey.

Who's that?

He's a sleuth from a series of novels
by Dorothy L Sayers.

I'm not going anywhere where
I have to tell people my name's Wimsey.

I'm just going to wear
my old police uniform.

It's a Halloween ball
for the Library Association.

You have to go
as a character from literature.



Why didn't I go with Sherry
to visit her mother in prison?

It'll be fun.
I'm going as Cyrano de Bergerac.

Musician. Philosopher. Fighter.

The greatest friend
and the bravest swordsman alive.

What's all over your cane?

I dropped it
in the movie theatre last night.

I love this picture.
You look adorable in that.

I do not. You like it
because you look so handsome in it.

The camera doesn't lie.

What are you giggling about?

Snapshots from our trip
to the microbrewery.

That must have been fun for you, Dad.

- You're not in any of these.
- I didn't go.

Eddie got into the poison oak.



I was up all night rubbing
calamine lotion on his belly.

These really are the golden years
for you, aren't they?

So it was just you and Frasier?

We got pretty silly
after tasting all that beer.

There's no need to tell Niles
everything we did.

Yes, we got a bit naughty.

Not too naughty, I hope.

Dr Crane,
I know what you're thinking.

After all that drinking, we didn't drive
home. We spent the night in a motel.

That takes a load off my mind.

Niles, what time is this
little soiree of yours this evening?

I've still got to get the velvet
in my slippers recrushed.

Dad, I will find you
a Sherlock Holmes outfit.

7.00pm. I have to get home
before Marta arrives to set up.

She's arachnophobic.

Last Halloween she beat my centrepiece
to bits with a broom.

Perhaps we should go finish up
those costumes, wife.

- Did you say "wife"?
- Hasn't your brother told you?

He's going as Geoffrey Chaucer
from The Canterbury Tales.

- I'll be dressed as the Wife of Bath.
- And a saucy strumpet she is, too.

You naughty rogue.

We've been having quite a time
talking like that.

It's been ye olde laugh riot
around here.

- Join me in my bed chamber, my lord?
- After you, my juicy wench.

"My juicy wench"? No, not you, Maris.

Wait. I hope you're happy.
She's run for her water pills.

Roz, who's on the line?

We have Ted
who is feeling a little disconnected.

Go ahead, Ted.

I hope Ted appreciates irony.

On line two we have Bill. He's going
through a very difficult transition.

- Hello, Bill.
- Hello? Is someone there?

I see we're pretty much through
our transition, aren't we, Bill?

- This is Dorothy.
- Bill's on line one.

Let's just stay with Dorothy.

- How can I help you?
- You can get me Roz.

I'm her manicurist.
She called for an appointment.

I'll call you back later, Dorothy.

We'll take a moment to regroup.

I apologise for the unusually
high number of technical difficulties

we've experienced today. And now we will
go to these public service messages.

- Explain yourself.
- I'm a little off my game today.

- A little?
- OK, a lot.

You come in looking ghoulish,
even for Halloween,

and you sleepwalk through my show.

- I'm sorry.
- What kind of explanation can there be

for this level of unprofessionalism?

I think I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

I took a home test and it was iffy,
so I went to see my doctor.

He'll call me with results later.

- But, Roz, how?
- I don't know how.

No one is more careful than I am
when it comes to birth control.

But even the best protection
is only effective 99 out of 100 times.

I can't beat those odds.

I suppose you've been dodging
that bullet for a long time now.

Promise you won't tell anyone.

Of course not, Roz, but we don't even
know if we have anything to tell yet.

- What if there is?
- We'll deal with that when we have to.

No use crossing that bridge
until we come to it.

I can't get my mind off it.

Niles' party will be a distraction.

- I don't think I'm up for that.
- Come on, Roz.

- Well, I did rent a costume.
- It'll be fun. You know you want to.

That's exactly the kind of talk
that got me into this.

Tell your brother I'm coming to his
party. I found the perfect costume.

What literary character will you be?

Waldo.

From Where's Waldo? He's in 16 books.

You call yourself well-read.

Niles Crane.

Maris, where are you?
You're still at the beauty parlour?

Calm down. Stop crying.
It can't be as bad as all that.

Exactly how much hair do you have left?

We just have to find
another character for you to be.

There's an lonesco play
called The Bald Soprano.

No, I'm joking, Maris.
You've got to come.

Maris, you have 37 wigs.
Go down to the wig vault and pick one.

Maris, this evening means a great deal
to me. I need you here with me.

Do you care about my feelings at all?

That answers that.

How's the party?

We just got here.
We had a bit of a delay.

Sherlock led us to the wrong apartment.

I notice you didn't complain when
the old lady gave us peanut-butter cups.

Evening, all.

What lovely costumes.
Daphne, you look particularly beautiful.

Thanks. It's a bit tight.
I must have put on a pound or two.

That's enough out of you,
you wanton troll,

or I'll smite your bawdy backside
with the flat of my sinewy hand.

At least on the ride over
I could stick my head out the window.

- Where's the bar?
- Over here. I'm serving grog and mead.

Which one tastes most like beer?

Roz, I'm so glad you came.

- Any word from the doctor?
- No. I am going crazy.

I can't even picture myself
as a mother. Can you?

I don't think discipline
will be a problem.

Roz, don't you look smashing.

What an interesting costume.
Who are you?

I'm O from The Story of O.

It's going to be a long night.

I think you look lovely tonight.
There's a real glow about you.

Oh, no. Not a glow.

I'm sorry,
I'm just a little jumpy.

I had an accident, and I haven't
found out what the damage is yet.

I need to check my machine.
Is there a phone?

At the top of the stairs.

Try not to worry.
A few years back I got rear-ended.

Is that what happened to you?

Not exactly.

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Are you here alone?
- I hope so.

What a delectable medley of fromagian
splendour. You must try one.

Cheesy.

Yes, cheesy.

It must be glorious to have such a happy
knack for clarity and concision.

Yep.

Who are you?

Chingachgook.
I'm the last of the Mohicans.

Well, that little mystery's solved.

- Have you seen Roz?
- She's probably on the phone.

Every 15 minutes
she's calling her machine.

This little accident's
got her pretty worried.

- She told you about it?
- Champagne?

Not now, Niles. Please, excuse us.
We need a moment alone.

Roz told me all about it.
It's no big deal.

Accidents happen even when you're
careful. I had one a few years back.

Daphne, really?

It was one of those
real wham-bam numbers.

He was drunk
and I wasn't paying attention.

I called
but never got a penny out of him.

- I had no idea.
- It's not so bad.

Back in Manchester with all those
drunken louts out and about,

it must have happened to me
at least a dozen times.

Really? I had no... Really?

Nothing's certain
until we get the pregnancy test results.

Pregnancy? We're not talking
about a car accident, are we?

- Oh, dear.
- Roz is pregnant?

- No. Where could you get such a notion?
- You just said she was.

Shut up. Or I'm smite you
with the back of my sinewy right hand.

- Did you notice where Frasier went?
- No idea.

- What about Daphne?
- Haven't a clue.

Holmes, you astound me.

I just feel terrible about this.
Roz swore me to secrecy.

- I never should have said anything.
- She thought I knew.

Do you have a tissue?
These lashes are killing me.

I must be allergic to the adhesive.

Just promise me you won't tell a soul.
We've got to keep this secret.

All right.
But we can't keep it a secret forever.

We are talking about a baby.

How could I have been so careless?

- It's not your fault.
- You know who'll be blamed.

Don't worry.
I'll protect your reputation.

I'll tell everyone
I forced you to do it.

Better get back to the party
before people start wondering about us.

Hello, Niles.

What's your nose
all bent out of shape about?

There's a literary figure
I'd like to know better.

- I need a word with you.
- What about?

Stay there. I have guests to greet.

Trick or treat.

- How did you get past the doorman?
- We live in the building.

- This isn't a good night for this.
- But it's Halloween.

Crab puff for you,
and some gravlax for you,

and paté for Dracula. Now off you go.

I need to talk to you.

Not now, Niles.
Let me guess. Lady Godiva?

No, Eve. From the Bible.

Well, now I know
why they call it the Good Book.

- Are you just going to abandon Daphne?
- Just because I gave her a ride

doesn't mean I have to spend
the evening with her.

Get a load of that schnozzola.

- No, wait. Guess who I am?
- I give up.

I'm Waldo. From Where's Waldo?

You know. The guy you can't find
because he blends into the crowd.

I don't know,
but I'd love a demonstration.

And to think that all that time your cat
was curled up in your sock drawer.

They're almost human, aren't they?

Pardon me,
I need a word with my brother.

Not now. I'm doing really well here.
This pointy hat is a babe magnet.

It's urgent.

Just keep your voice down.
I'm sorry. Will you excuse me?

Hurry back.

Your behaviour is appalling.
I can no longer hold my tongue.

Replace tongue with liquor.
You're drunk.

Drunk like a fox.

- I know about the baby.
- You do? Who told you?

- I heard it from Daphne.
- Daphne? That blabbermouth.

I'll wring her neck.

- Have you no conscience?
- You're getting awfully exercised.

We're talking about a single woman
with a baby.

- What do you intend to do about it?
- I suppose I could give her a raise.

That's your idea of responsibility?

What do you want me to do, marry her?

She's the one that got pregnant.

- Hello, Roz.
- Beat it, Niles.

Stay here.

I am so mad at you.
How could you tell Niles about the baby?

I didn't. Daphne told him,
that damnable chatterbox.

- And who told Daphne?
- That would be me.

What is it with all you children?
Isn't it past your bedtime?

Dr Crane, it's me, Dr Krovitz.

Of course.
And this must be your wife, Sylvia.

- I don't know her.
- Trick or treat.

I specifically
asked you not to tell anyone.

The way she spoke sounded as if
she knew you were having a baby.

What? You are?

Nice going, Frasier.

He is the master of deduction.
He would have figured it out anyway.

Just let it out. I'm here for you.

I keep telling you, I'm not crying.
It's my damn lashes.

Courageous and beautiful.
You shouldn't be drinking this poison.

Here, Roz, drink this.

- Roz, do you have a tissue?
- If you don't see it, I don't have it.

I'm sorry. Do you want
to get a napkin over here?

Hurry back, brave girl.

Just look at her, poor thing.

What are you talking about?

I suppose you'll find out.

- There's a baby on the way.
- You know about that, too?

- Who told you?
- I heard Frasier and Roz.

You don't seem very surprised.

I am fond of her,
but she's no Sunday school teacher.

She's been around the block a few times.

Instead of heaping scorn on her,
put the blame where it belongs.

On Frasier.
The shameless Casanova.

What's he got to do with this?

- He's the father.
- What?

- I heard it from his own mouth.
- I've got to go talk to him.

Wait.
I've just made a momentous decision.

There's one person in this family
who still has a sense of honour.

Frasier may not be able
to do right by her, but I will.

- What're you talking about?
- I'm going to propose to her.

Are you nuts? You're still married.

Maris never needed me.
But there's a woman who does.

I didn't know you even liked her.

Yes, I wore that mask well.

It's time to do the honourable thing.

Divorce your wife and marry the woman
who's carrying your brother's child?

I've made up my mind.
Nothing's going to stop me, Dad.

There's been a bit of an hors d'oeuvre
mishap on your Persian rug.

Just call me Fumbles With Crab Puffs.

Not now, Gil.

There's no sense fretting about it
until you know for sure.

My eyes are just getting worse.

I should ask Dr Crane
to take me home.

I feel bad ruining his good time.
I was having fun, too.

There are some very attractive men here.

But who's going to want me
in this condition?

Don't worry about Frasier.
He'll take care of you.

That's a laugh. Beat it, Roz.

Never mind.
I have to go check my machine.

Daphne,

we've known each other
for four years now.

Wait. I want to take the time
to phrase this just right.

You take all the time you need.
I've got to go find your brother.

Dr Crane, can I talk to you
for a moment?

I'm sorry, will you excuse me?

It's OK. I'll go freshen my lipstick.
I feel naked without it.

Haven't you ruined my evening enough?

- What are you talking about?
- You and your blabbermouth.

You told Niles about the baby.

- I did not.
- Don't play innocent with me.

I don't mean to ruin your evening,
but I can't stay. Look at my eyes.

I am sorry for your condition,

but you should have read the directions
on the package before you used it.

I don't know why you're blaming
this whole mess on me.

I just know
I need a lift home right now.

All right. I'm not leaving here
until I get Eve's number.

So sit, have a drink,
smoke a cigarette if you like.

I am attracted to her and I won't let
you and your problem stand in my way.

That's enough.

Lower your voice.
You're embarrassing yourself.

I'm embarrassed
that you're my brother.

You cad, you bounder, you roué.

What's wrong
about trying to get her number?

We're not interested in your next
conquest but about your last one.

And before you deny it, I have proof.

From here it smells like 80 proof.

A woman stands here before you
in dire need.

I can find someone else who'll take me.

- Indeed you can.
- Niles...

Don't try to stop me.

You seduce this poor woman and then
you aren't man enough to stand by her?

Before you make an ass...

Stop or I'll teach you
a long overdue lesson in chivalry.

- But, Dr Crane, you...
- No, don't defend him.

There may be one bastard in this family,

but as long
as I have anything to say about it,

your baby won't be another.
Daphne,

- will you marry me?
- You drunken imbecile!

Daphne's not the one who's pregnant.
Roz is.

- Roz is?
- Who's Roz?

She's the one dressed like O.

That was very gallant.
Perhaps you should propose to Roz.

If anybody's going to propose to Roz,
it's Frasier. How can you do that?

- It was Frasier?
- I am not the father of Roz's baby.

In fact, we don't even know for sure
if there is a baby.

We do now.