Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 1 - Frasier's Imaginary Friend - full transcript

Well, I should warn you,

if we hit turbulence,
I may hold onto you for dear life.

Well, I should warn you,
I'm hoping for a bumpy ride.

So, why are you going to Acapulco?

Actually, it's rather an amusing story.

I came down to the airport on sort
of a blind date with a cello player.

She didn't know it was a blind date.
Actually, it was all in my head.

So when I bumped into you
and you said you were going to Acapulco,

I thought, why not tag along?

So the only reason you're on this plane
is because of me?

Call it kismet.



- Can I switch seats?
- Sure.

You're lucky.
Normally this flight is jammed.

See, kismet.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop,
but I have to say,

I'd be flattered if someone
got on a plane to be with me.

- Really?
- Yeah.

What could be more romantic than that?

It's awkward trying to talk like this.
Is that seat taken?

No. Come sit here, please.

Pardon me. Sorry. Thank you.

At last. Well, I'm Frasier Crane.

- Felicity Stafford.
- It's a pleasure.

And this is my husband, David.

A genuine pleasure.



Oh, darn. I forgot to order
my kosher meal.

Excuse me.

So sorry.

Pardon me.
I'm so sorry.

Well, it was lovely meeting you both.

Stewardess...

Oh, thank you. Bless you.

Oh, thank God the flight's late.

I was sure I'd missed it. Thank you.

Yes, it's me. It's amazing what they
can do with make-up and lighting.

Yes, it is amazing.

Not that they
didn't have plenty to work with.

By "plenty" I don't mean anything,
you know, referring to, well, you know.

You stay there. I'll change seats.

No, wait.
Your voice sounds really familiar.

Dr Frasier Crane, from the radio.

- Kelly Easterbrook, from the magazine.
- Yes.

Well, I'm assuming
that you're off to a photo shoot

on the beaches of Mexico.

No, I only model part-time these days.

I'm in a PhD programme
at the University of Washington.

- What's your field?
- Zoology.

That's why I'm going to Mexico,
to observe the spiny-tailed iguana.

A model and a scholar.

This is the part
where I normally wake up.

I know what you're thinking.

Last night, walking along the beach,

when we kicked off our shoes
and looked up

at that amazing blanket of stars...

I was remembering when that iguana
ran across your foot,

and you jumped into my arms.

Oh, yes, that, too.

You're really quite strong.

I am a supermodel.

So, Frasier...

Is there any chance you'd be interested
in seeing more of me?

There's more?

Of course. Of course.
I was hoping we would.

Oh, that's great.

There is one thing I should mention.
It's a little awkward.

What is it?

Well,

I'm in the process
of breaking up with someone.

He plays for the Seahawks,
and with all of us in the public eye,

these things have a way
of getting out. So...

I'd appreciate it if, just for now,
you didn't tell anyone about you and me.

What happened between us
will never leave this room.

If there's a God in heaven,
neither will we.

Have you seen Frasier?

- He's not back from the airport yet?
- No.

That's a lot of cheese and crackers.
You gonna eat all those?

Don't be stupid.
I'm havin' people over tonight.

- Morning, all.
- There you are.

I almost gave up on you.

So, Mr Impulsive,
I got your message.

- How was Mexico?
- Fine. Relaxing.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Sorry?

Considering what a slump
your sex life has been in,

I know you were hoping for a little,
you know, action.

You know, south of the border.

Just because you went to Mexico
and were hit on more than a piñata,

doesn't mean that was the purpose
of my visit as well.

Yeah, right. You wanted
to hear the Acapulco Philharmonic.

So, Doc, you get any?

- That is none of your business!
- Well, better luck next time.

Did it occur to you that I met a woman?
I just don't care to broadcast it.

Sure, that might happen.

Frankly,
I don't have time for this nonsense.

What I did or did not do
is not your concern.

Do you have nothing to do
but enquire about my sex life?

Frasier Crane's sex life.
There's a word for that.

It's an oxy, oxy...

- Moron.
- Hey, easy. I'll get it.

All right now, flip over.
Ten kicks on each side.

Geez, I hate this one.
What does it do anyway?

Nothing for you.
But it does get a nice breeze going.

- Hello, Dr Crane.
- Daphne.

Hello, Eddie. Good boy, Dad.

- That's it. I'm through.
- Where's Frasier?

He got in a while ago,
but jumped in the shower.

- We don't know why he went to Mexico?
- You heard the message we did.

He wanted to be spontaneous
so he jumped on a plane.

That doesn't concern you?

It's not like him to board a plane

without reservations and luggage,
slumber mask.

He probably went down there
to try to meet some women.

I've seen this with my patients.

They get so distressed over their
failures, especially romantic ones,

that they act out in bizarre ways.

Is there anything more refreshing
after a long flight

than a hot soak in eucalyptus salts

and a snifter of warmed Poire William?

Nothing yet, but keep your ears open.

Dr Crane, we're all eager
to hear about your trip.

- Nice time?
- Yes, lovely.

Yeah, did you meet any girls?

You know me,
I'm not one to kiss and tell.

Struck out, huh?
Well, it'll all turn around for ya.

You assume it's impossible
for me to meet a woman.

No need to get mad.
I just feel bad for you.

We all do.

You know, frankly,
I'm sick and tired of everyone's pity.

The fact is I did meet
a woman down there.

A fabulous woman,
and we had a romantic weekend.

- Why didn't you just tell us that?
- I'm not at liberty to discuss it.

Oh, yes,
that pesky Club Med oath of silence.

No! She asked me to be discreet.

See, she's a rather
famous supermodel and

she's going through a break-up

with a star football player
on the Seahawks,

and she didn't want any publicity.

So, you see,
before I identify her to you,

I have to ask that you
not ever repeat this to anyone.

I'd urge you to do the same.

Her name is Kelly Easterbrook.

The lotion girl!
She has such milky skin.

I thought so, yes.

We were inseparable the entire weekend.

Some people think I look like her.

Oh, yes...

Anyway, I've got a picture of her.
I'll be right back.

It's one thing to concoct
a little white lie, but a supermodel...

Who'd dump an NFL player for Frasier.

You two are just being awful.
I've never known Dr Crane to lie.

Actually, this is not without precedent.

He once forged letters from Leonard
Bernstein and said they were pen pals.

- Oh, yeah.
- Remember?

He'd come bounding up the stairs.
"Got another one from Lenny."

We were all agog until he wrote
that his Broadway debut was Candide

when everyone knows
that it was On the Town.

That's when we knew it was a fake.

The sloppy kid lettering
was also a clue.

Here she is.

- It's from a magazine?
- She's in lots of magazines.

And billboards, too.
Now she's my girlfriend.

Well, I'm off to bed.
Didn't get much sleep over the weekend.

- You know what I mean?
- Oh, yeah. Good night.

He just snapped like a twig, didn't he?

Hello? Kelly!

Hi. Gee, I didn't know
you were back in town.

I'd love to. Right. Well, I'll see
you there in, what, half an hour.

OK, yeah, me, too. Bye.

Frasier, glad we caught you. Coming to
the Buster Keaton retrospective?

I'm dashing off to LeScali
for a late lunch with Kelly.

Oh, your supermodel.

- You didn't mention that this morning.
- She just called.

She came home early from Hawaii.

I suspect to see you-know-who.

Bernard? Yes, Dr Crane. I need
my usual table in about twenty minutes.

And chill your finest bottle
of Pouilly-Fuissé.

Well, modelling those swimsuits,
she works up quite a thirst.

Oh, poor sod.

Doesn't he know how outlandish
it sounds?

Even a fake supermodel
would have dumped him by now.

I wish there was something we could do.

There is. When he was in the throes
of his Bernstein obsession,

we confronted him.
As you may recall, Dad,

he was relieved
that he could give up the charade.

Well, I guess we could talk to him.
But what're we going to say?

It won't be easy.

We'll tell him we know what's going on
and he doesn't have to pretend anymore.

All right, but situations like that
make me uncomfortable.

There's always the chance
that we'll walk into that restaurant

and some gorgeous supermodel
will be draped all over Frasier.

That's a good one, Dad.

We needed that.

I thought we could do
with a little tension-breaker.

Frasier?

- Hello.
- Hi.

- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.

Here, sit. I ordered us an appetiser.

Oh, this is so sweet, but I can't stay.

- My lab called. Small emergency.
- Is everything all right?

Our incubator broke, and my iguana eggs
need to be moved to another lab.

- I hope you understand.
- Of course.

We'll do it again sometime.

- I'll call you as soon as I'm done.
- Great. OK.

I'll keep my fingers crossed. Here's
hoping your eggs are still fertile.

My wife had trouble conceiving, too.
It turned out to be me.

Well, mystery solved. Off you go.

Oh, that is so sad.

I'll say. Nobody's ever
bought me caviar, and I'm real.

Maybe this is a family thing.

- Hello, Frasier.
- Hey!

Dad, Niles. Is something the matter?

No, we thought we'd stop by and see if
you'd changed your mind about the movie.

You seem to be awfully persistent,
but I just may join you.

My date cancelled at the last moment.

Frasier. Whatever makes you feel the
need to perpetuate this fantasy woman,

you don't have to on our account.

- Fantasy?
- We're your family.

We don't care if you haven't been out
with anybody in quite a while.

My God! You actually believe
that I've invented this relationship.

It's no crime to go down to Acapulco
and come back empty-handed.

I did not come back empty-handed.
I came back with two huge handfuls.

Kelly was just here.
She was called away on an emergency.

That would be a modelling emergency?

No. She only models to raise money
for her real interest: zoology.

She's a PhD candidate
and she raises iguanas.

The incubator broke,
and her eggs were in danger.

It was vital that only she...
The details are unimportant.

The fact is, I am having
a relationship with this woman.

We love you, Frasier.

Niles, me, Daphne...

Leonard Bernstein.

I knew one day
you'd throw that back in my face!

- Kelly!
- Hi!

I was leaving you a note.
I'm sorry about lunch.

It's all right. Want to come in?

Sure. Good news is I was able to move
all of my eggs over to another lab.

Well, I hope you didn't put them all
in one basket.

Why does everyone think that's funny?

What a beautiful apartment.

Thank you. Can I interest you
in a glass of Beaujolais Nouveau?

- I'd love some.
- All right.

I actually have something to toast.

My doctorate advisor has asked me
to join his researchers

going to the Galápagos Islands.

Well, that does deserve a toast.

I'm replacing someone, so it's
last minute. We leave in the morning.

I'll be there for two months
inseminating indigenous iguanas.

I called all my friends.
They couldn't believe it.

Nor will mine.

Two months, huh?

Hey, I feel terrible leaving town
so early in our relationship,

but it's an opportunity of a lifetime.

I'll be here when you return,

and we'll have one incredible night
to look back on fondly.

I'll think we'll be looking back
on two incredible nights.

No, it's just one night: Saturday night.
Then, of course, Sunday you were...

Oh, right.

- What was that?
- Nothing, nothing.

I must have drifted off there.

What's that noise?

I don't hear anything.

You took a picture of me
while I was asleep?

- Absolutely not!
- Then what is this?

This is... it's your going-away present.
Bon voyage.

- You're disgusting.
- Listen, you don't...

- I don't believe this!
- Listen...

- Get out! Get out!
- Wait.

- All right.
- Get out!

You'd think being a model, you might be
more relaxed about somebody taking a...

Get out!

Can't we talk about this?
I won't see you again for two months.

You won't see me again
for a lot longer than that!

It wasn't enough just to say you bagged
a model? You had to take a picture?

- Were you planning to sell it?
- No!

Pass it around the office?
Show it to your friends?

No, just my immediate family.

- I'm taking the stairs.
- Kelly! Kelly!

Kelly...

Well, you missed her again.

She's running down the stairs.
You can catch her if you want to.

We believe you, Frasier.

Now let's just get your robe
all cinched up and get you back inside.

Don't patronise me!

Oh, look, look! Two wine glasses!

Oh, yes, one for you, one for her.
That proves it all right.

I am not crazy!

I am dating a supermodel zoologist,

who I stole away
from a professional football player,

and she is off to the Galápagos Islands
to artificially inseminate iguanas.

Is that so hard to believe?

Frasier, I want...

Oh, look, a crowd.

Where were you hiding?
Under the bed?

It makes me sick to think I'd even spend
one night with you, let alone two!

I've known a lot of reptiles and
looked under a lot of rocks in my life,

but I have never
seen anything slither out

quite as slimy and repulsive as you!

Well,

what do you think of me now?