Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Maris Counselor - full transcript

-Morning, Roz.
- Niles called. He'll be over at seven.

- Thanks. You seem awfully calm today.
- Why shouldn't I be?

You're usually anxious in ratings week.

- That starts today?
- I shouldn't have mentioned it.

You do this every year. You convince
yourself we'll have no good callers,

but our listeners always come through.

You're on.

Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr Frasier Crane.

I was reminded this morning
of a jaunty aphorism

that's credited
to the great thinker Spinoza.

Oh, God!



- What's your problem?
- Hi. Well, I'm kind of indecisive.

Well, I'm not. Frasier Crane Show.

I want to change careers.
I feel trapped.

It's not a great problem,
but hold, please.

Frasier Crane Show.
what's your problem?

- It's sort of embarrassing.
- Amen.

I was a bed-wetter as a child and
I think the problem's coming back.

Great. Hold, please. Career change?
I got a bed-wetter holding.

Are you trapped because you're
a woman trapped inside a man's body?

- I don't think so.
- I can't get you on then.

I really wanted to talk to him.
I guess that could be part of it.

Good answer. Hold, please.

Bed-wetter, I got a transsexual
in crisis. You've got to beat that.

Ever wet a bed with anybody else in it?
A hooker, best friend's wife?



No.

- Do you want to talk to the doc or not?
- OK. I guess the third one.

Hold, please.
Hey, transsexual.

- Is that me?
- Yeah.

Have you ever run for political office
or considered it?

- Like congressman?
- Perfect.

Don't get me started on rationalistic
pantheism or there go the three hours.

I think it's time we went to the phones.
Roz, whom do we have?

A bed-wetting adulterer, unless you'd
rather speak to Roger on line two

who's a transsexual
running for Congress.

Go ahead, Roger, I'm listening.

Why did you chicken out like that?

She's younger than I am.
She probably dates doctors and lawyers.

- She wouldn't be interested in me.
- Who wouldn't be interested?

A certain someone had the chance
to ask a certain someone else

- from the building on a date.
- That would be Mrs Crowley.

And bailed out again.

The Crane men have not enjoyed success
in the romance department lately.

We're all a bit gun-shy.

Gun-shy, sensitive, picky.
You're all full of excuses.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get
you married off and out of this house.

Hello? Why, Mrs Crowley,
we were just talking about you.

Yes, he's here. Hold on.

Hi.

Really? No, I'm not busy.
Dinner sounds like fun.

A certain someone is inviting
a certain someone else to dinner.

Yes, and where would the world be

without you Brits
and your knack for code-cracking?

Sure, I'd love to. Thanks.
And thanks for asking me. Bye.

She's invited me
to her place tomorrow night.

Guess my little hard-to-get plan
really paid off.

Yes, you should write a book.
"How to Get a Date in Two Easy Years".

- Hello, Niles.
- Frasier. Dad. Hey, Daphne.

- What have got there?
- Patient files.

Frasier's helping me
with my couples' group.

Your father's starting
a couples' group tomorrow.

Mrs Crowley?

It's ironic. Dad's doing better
in that department than either of of us.

Not true.
That's what I wanted to tell you.

Maris and l
are back on the expressway to love.

Well, if not the expressway,
at least the on-ramp.

I owe it all to the best psychiatrist
I have ever known.

- That's very flattering.
- Dr Bernard Schenkman,

our new marriage counsellor.
He's a wizard.

Maris is thrilled with him. It's
as if he's discovered the magic elixir

to repair the shattered fragments
of her psyche.

- I don't know what to call it.
- The words "crazy glue" leap to mind.

Doctor Schenkman's helped me, too.
He pinpointed my primary failing.

- Which is?
- I'm too predictable.

I don't know
if I'd count that as a failing.

I do and so does Maris.
But I'm going to do something about it.

In half an hour I'll show Maris
spontaneity beyond her dreams.

But we're preparing for your workshop.

You'll have to
look over the files yourself.

Every Friday
Maris spends an hour meditating.

Invariably
she comes back randy as a stoat.

Tonight she'll find me
waiting in her bed as randy as

another stoat.

I wonder if that's a good idea.

Frasier, I know you mean well
and I love you and respect you,

but with your track record
in relationships,

you're about the last person
who should be giving advice.

Fair enough.

And do look over the files.
Those couples really need our help.

Hello, Maris.

Maris?

- Dr Schenkman.
- Niles.

Dr Schenkman, what the hell's going on?

It's not what it looks like.

What am I saying? Bear with me.

- I'm sorry. I'm feeling stressed.
- You're feeling stressed?

- Put yourself in my place.
- I very nearly did.

I'm stunned.
How long has this been going on?

Two weeks.

Maris and I were waiting to tell you
when I felt that you were ready.

That's despicable. It's unethical.
It's... Are those my pyjamas?

Could be.
They bind a little in the crotch.

Listen, whatever anger you're feeling

- can't begin to approach my guilt.
- Don't bet on it.

That's good. Vent that rage.
You have every right to.

You're sleeping with my wife and
giving me permission to be angry?

Furious. Livid.

You're dealing with it very well,
by the way.

- Would you care...?
- You could lose your licence

- for having an affair with a patient?
- And I deserve to,

but it was a risk
worth taking because of love.

I love her, Niles.

I've never known a woman so warm,

so nurturing, so unselfish.

Is it possible this is
a case of mistaken identity?

Thanks to our sessions,

Maris has been unafraid to show me
the real woman inside.

Damn you. I trusted you. Because
you were supposed to be helping us.

And I liked you, too, you bastard.

You betrayed my confidence and my
friendship and you seduced my wife.

There's a lot of new issues here,
aren't there?

Think maybe we should kick it
up to three sessions a week?

- You are 20 minutes late.
- Sorry.

Sorry? I've been making small talk
with them for 20 minutes.

And for people who have a problem
communicating that's tiny talk.

I have a lot on my mind right now

so let's just begin and, you know what,
maybe you should take the lead. OK?

Very well.

Evening, all. Sorry I'm late. My fault.

If I know these people,
they won't hold a grudge.

I feel as though I do know
a great deal about this group.

I've spent a good deal of time
pouring over your case histories.

So, let's begin.

Mrs Buddinger,
I see that you're here alone.

- Yes.
- Is there a reason Dan's not here?

No, he's just stubborn sometimes.
He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists.

- Maybe he's got good reason not to.
- Excuse me?

I see what your brother's doing here.
Sometimes we role play

and I think he's just saying
what my husband might say.

Sounds promising, Janice.

How would you respond
to what your husband has just said?

You know, Dan, I don't think that
it's psychiatrists that you mistrust.

I think it's me.
Why are you so suspicious lately?

I think you know very well.

A couple of harmless flirtations
at parties?

Did you ever stop to consider how
those flirtations might make me feel?

He's empathising with the husband.
We call this empathising.

Are you going to tell me
you've never looked at anyone else?

Don't you dare bring her into this.

She is clean and pure and decent.

Sometimes empathising
involves a bit of dramatic licence.

- At least I've always been faithful.
- I've always been faithful to you.

I wanted to believe that more
than anything in the world but now...

I don't see how I possibly can.

He's one of the greatest empathisers
in the business.

Now I just want to die!

Perhaps now would be a good time
to take our 15-minute break.

We've made quite a catharsis here.

Traditionally it is the patients
who make the breakthroughs,

but we mustn't be sticklers.

All right, Janice.

Dan and I have never cheated
on each other. You've got to believe me.

I do. Remember, no one is here
to judge anyone else's behaviour.

What the hell are you doing,
you lunatic?

Maris is having an affair
with Schenkman.

Schenkman?

Why the contemptible bastard.

He was waiting at the house
for her when I got there.

I'm so sorry, Niles.
Is there anything I can do?

I don't see how. They're in love.
They plan to get married.

He told you that?

And she confirmed it...
when she walked in,

once she'd stopped shrieking
and we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.

I'm just shocked. Things seemed to be
going so well with the two of you.

That's what I thought.

Maybe Maris' feelings
for Dr Schenkman aren't real.

Maybe this is
simply a case of transference.

Patients often believe
they're in love with their analysts.

- It's very common.
- It's happened to me.

Get out of town.

- I bet that's what's going on here.
- They've never fallen in love with me.

Maris is easily influenced.

Not even that fat lady
who brought me fudge.

I'd be a fool to let her go.

Niles, you're just grasping at straws.

I owe it to my marriage
to give it one more shot.

- How? What more could you do?
- I can talk to her alone.

Make her understand
what a mistake she's making.

Let's bear one thing in mind. Sometimes
a marriage is just bad, doomed,

and no amount of discussion
will save it.

Well, then, shall we resume?

No, Daphne, you have fun. I'll be fine.
Yeah. We'll see you tomorrow. OK.

Dad? No, he's not even back
from his big date yet.

Maybe I'll see him in the morning, too.

All right.

Yes, it is a very romantic story.
Yes, yes.

OK, Daphne.

Yes, they do make a very cute couple.

Anyway...

Right, Daphne, yes.

I suppose
they do owe it all to you, don't they?

There's the door. OK.

Niles. I thought
you were talking with Maris.

It's over. Let her marry Schenkman.

They deserve each other.

I'm sorry, Niles. What happened?

I reached the front gate
and was just about to ring the doorbell

to ask her to let me in
when it suddenly dawned on me

how many hours I have spent
pleading with that woman through gates,

through windows, through keyholes
and through transoms

and, in one disastrous instance,
through the pet door.

Yes, I remember dabbing Bactine
on those Chihuahua bites.

Well, I decided no more.

I actually looked up at the house
and said, "Goodbye, Maris."

"l hope you have a happy life,

but I don't have
to take any more of your crap".

And I turned on my heel and walked away.

That's a courageous decision.

- How do you feel?
- Not bad, surprisingly.

I'm glad I went over.
I needed the closure.

Now that it's over, I feel a little sad,
of course, but also strangely liberated.

I'm very proud of you.

Dad, you're back.

How did things go with Mrs Crowley?

Great. Fabulous. Right up to the time
she introduced me to my date.

- I thought she was your date.
- So did I.

Turns out my date was her mother.

86 years young. I guess there was
a miscommunication when she invited me.

I'm almost afraid to ask this.
How was "Mom"?

She was very nice.

Sleepy.

Showed me pictures
of her great-grandchildren.

Couldn't remember any of their names.
She couldn't remember mine either.

We could all use
a little something from the bar.

I could use a big something.

- It hasn't been a good day all around.
- Maris and I have split up for good.

I'm sorry.

- She's in love with someone else.
- Niles, are you all right?

I will be.

Well, this may come
as small consolation to you,

but I believe that
you each have a lot of work to do

to catch up to me
in the failed romance department.

Divorced twice,

left at the altar once.

Well, I haven't exactly
been burning things up lately.

Thank you, Dad.

Things with Sherry fizzled,
then Sleeping Beauty tonight.

I think maybe I deserve the booby prize.

I'll challenge you.

Fifteen years with Maris,
I end up in bed with her lover.

I didn't need to hear that.

No, it was an accident. It was
pitch dark. I thought he was Maris.

It's a natural mistake.
What tipped you off?

The heat from her side of the bed.

Well, I think we have a three-way tie.

Here's to the Crane boys,
love's big losers.

I said I needed closure. I won't
have it until I do one more thing.

Niles, from this height
that can hurt somebody.

All clear.

Goodbye, Maris.
You've hurt me for the last time.

Niles, is that your Mercedes
parked down there?

Good body shop
will be able to pound that out.

Well, it's Saturday night.

Here we are. Again.

Wonder how many women are out there
tonight without a date.

Thousands.

Thousands of opportunities for us
to humiliate ourselves.

Well, come and get us, Seattle.
Three Cranes, no waiting.

We're desperate.

- We're ludicrous.
- We're pathetic.