Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Ski Lodge - full transcript

Good show today, Roz.
I thought that...

Oh, my God,
there's Connie from Promotions.

Every time she sees me,
she hits me up for another charity.

Maybe it's time to set some limits.
How hard can it be to say no just once?

Look who I'm talking to.

Hi. Roz, I was looking for you.

Before you say anything,
there's something I need to say.

I have bought Girl Scout cookies,
paid for your kids' band uniforms,

I bought tickets
to every raffle your church ever had.

So whatever you came to say,
I'm not interested.

I'll just go then. By the way, my
church had its raffle drawing yesterday.



You won the grand prize.
Sorry to bother you.

Connie. I'm sorry. Connie, don't.
Who cares? What did I win?

Oh, my God.
It's that free ski weekend.

Listen to this: "Dear Winner."

"You'll enjoy a one weekend rental
of a private ski lodge on Mount Baker

complete with lessons
from a former Olympic champ."

That is a grand prize, indeed.
I'm just a bit envious.

I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

It seems a pity you won't be able
to take advantage of those ski lessons.

There'll be other stuff to do.

Tons. Just because you can't ski, or for
that matter, hike, sled or snowboard,

it doesn't mean you can't curl up by
a roaring fire with a warm snifter of...

Sorry.

- Well, the scenery will be nice.
- Breathtaking.



I just hope you can
endure the four-hour drive up there,

and you so carsick these days.

I know what you're hinting at. This
is the first thing I've won in my life,

and it means something to me.
So I won't sell it or trade it for a...

- Big-screen TV?
- Key's in the envelope.

Why do you need that so loud?
You've gone deaf as a post.

It's just a cold stopping up my ears.
I'll be fine.

Whose lawyer are you, anyway?
No, I will not calm down.

They call that a settlement?
You call them and turn it down.

- I said turn it down, you ninny.
- You could at least ask nicely.

I've got to get a new divorce lawyer.
Claude is no match for Maris' team.

Real sharks, are they?

I once sent Maris a Valentine that said,

"You're the girl my heart adores.
Everything I have is yours."

Now they're calling it a pre-nup.

That's terrible. Can you imagine
using that as a weapon?

- An old Valentine.
- I'd love a cold Ballantine.

You're getting a hearing aid.

I don't need a hearing aid. My hearing
will be back to normal in no time.

Soon you won't be able
to hear a word I say.

Wouldn't that be a tragedy?

Why are you all loitering around
when you should be packing?

- Packing for what?
- The ski weekend I'm taking us on.

You're kidding.

With an Olympic champion in residence
to give us lessons.

It sounds like heaven. Skiing,
then warming up with a hot rum drink,

curled up under a blanket
in front of a roaring fire.

I can feel the steam
rising off my toddy already.

- I can't go.
- Why not?

It's Annie's birthday
and I promised I'd spend it with her.

- Bring her along.
- She's gung-ho for sports.

She was captain
of the girls' rugby team at school.

I'm not sure
how many bedrooms there are.

She can have mine.

- Where will you sleep?
- I'll think of something.

- Are you sure you wouldn't mind?
- Why not?

What could be more fun
than a gung-ho girls' rugby captain?

I will kill you for this.

It was the only way
Daphne was going to come

and I wasn't going to let
a moonlit ski lodge go to waste.

You filed for divorce a week ago.
Can't you wait?

Wait? I have waited
five long years for this.

- Dad, don't you think it's about time?
- I got ten after five.

If you want to make a fool out
of yourself with Daphne, go ahead.

But I will not have you ruin
my ski weekend by inviting this girl

who sounds like an avalanche risk.
I'm going to tell Daphne no guests.

I called Annie. She's all excited.
She just bought new skis

with the money she made
off her new swimsuit calendar.

I hope you're happy.
We're stuck with her now.

Look at this place.

Look at this place.

Nothing like a change of scenery, huh?

Where do you suppose the TV is?

This place is terrific.

I'm just glad we got here alive,
the way you were taking those curves.

Poor Annie
kept getting thrown up against you.

What can I say? I'm a bad driver.

I grant you she's cuddly,
but don't you find her a tad,

what would the polite
euphemism be, stupid?

Niles, she is just unschooled,
like Eliza Doolittle.

You find her the right Henry Higgins,
she'll be ready for a ball in no time.

Leave it to you to put the "pig"
back in Pygmalion.

This place is just lovely.

Yes, isn't it? Look at that vista.
It's stunning.

Puts one in mind of the Matterhorn.

I wouldn't know.
I'm not very musical.

That's a relief. The way you
were swerving on the ride up here,

I was afraid these would get broken.
I'm going to make some hot buttered rum.

It's cold in the mountains.
You need a little fat in your booze.

Good thinking, Dad. And I'll whip
us up a nice batch of pork nog.

Daphne, let me help you with your
luggage. What room did you want?

That one on the left
should have a nice view.

Right next to my room.

- I'll take the one next to that.
- Right. Let me take that for you.

That Niles is quite a cutie.

- He's the one getting divorced?
- Yeah. He's been just miserable.

- I may just have to cheer him up.
- You just leave Dr Crane alone.

I've seen the way you go through men.
The last thing he needs

- is someone else to break his heart.
- But it's my birthday.

- Besides, you're not his nanny.
- Let's just have a relaxing ski trip.

Does this weekend have to be about sex?

Hello.

- I am Guy.
- Daphne.

Annie.

I hope you are ready to ski tomorrow.
I am going to work you very hard.

- Dibs on the Frenchman.
- You can have him.

- He's not half as cute as Dr Crane.
- Enough. My ears are burning.

Everyone, did you meet Guy,
our ski instructor?

I will also be your chef.
Tonight, entrecôte à la Guy.

A ski champion and gourmet.
Vous êtes formidable.

- Vous êtes formidable.
- Parlez français?

J'ai habité à Paris
quand j'étais un étudiant.

- You speak very well.
- Oui.

You speak French as well?

No, all I know how to say is oui.

That should be enough
to get you through the weekend.

Look at that, two deer in the snow,
just kind of nuzzling each other.

How romantic.

Yes, it's enough to put ideas
in one's head.

Isn't it?

Yes.

I should say so.

Absolument.

Look at you. You're handy,
you're a chef, a ski champ.

- Is there anything you don't do?
- There are a few things.

Niles, you look très élégant.

Well, I simply had to change.
After all that rum and good food,

I thought I was going
to burst out of my trousers.

- Dr Crane, what a smashing robe.
- Well, thank you.

- Doesn't he look handsome?
- Yes, quite.

Look at this.
I've finished my buttered rum.

Frasier Crane would never allow
a woman to go thirsty.

Daphne, see if Dad's finished
with that second batch.

- Two more.
- All right, almost there.

I just have to replace some of this rum.

Just what Annie needs.
She's all over Dr Crane as it is.

Why couldn't Annie be hot for Frasier?

- What?
- Annie. Hot for Frasier.

I should just forget about those two
and concentrate on Guy.

Now he's the sort of tall drink of water
I could really go for.

There you go.

It's the rum I'm after. It'll be just
the thing to clinch things with Annie.

Annie? I know something about that.
She's hot for you.

- Says who?
- Daphne.

She said, "Annie's hot for Frasier".

I knew my charms would work.

I should register this dressing gown
with the love police.

I know the pain you're going through.

I've never been divorced myself,
but my last boyfriend was...

eventually.

What you need is something to take your
mind off it. What always works for me...

- Time to go upstairs.
- What for?

I need to give you
your birthday present. It's in me room.

I'll see you in a bit.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Daphne did not like
the way Annie was flirting with you.

- No, she didn't, did she?
- No.

In fact, she dragged her
right off to her bedroom.

I think I know what that means.

You like it?

I think we both know.

Daphne was jealous.

She was jealous, wasn't she?
I don't believe it.

I am surprised by nothing.

I think you did not
like Annie's flirting either.

- It was that obvious?
- Annie's not your...

...cup of tea?

Just between us,
my interests lie elsewhere this weekend.

Really?

Rum's ready.

Guy, perhaps you could
help my dad with the drinks.

- At your service.
- Thank you, Guy.

- Daphne wants me.
- She told you that?

No, but Annie was flirting with me,

and Daphne dragged her off
in a jealous rage.

- No, Annie's hot for me.
- I know when I'm being flirted with.

Niles, you really are the limit
sometimes. You're delusional.

Next thing you know, you'll be telling
me that Guy's after you.

How do you like your rum?

It's kind of small,
but it has a nice view.

- No, your rum.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

I wonder if it's clouded my judgement
about something.

Your son, Niles...

is it my imagination,
or is he attracted to...?

Hold it right there. It's not your
imagination. He's got it bad.

Really?
This is not a delicate subject for you?

No. Niles has had those feelings
for years.

I didn't encourage it
during his so-called marriage,

but now that he's free, whatever
makes him happy. I say go for it.

You are a wonderful father.

OK, everybody, come and get it.

Daphne, just in time.

Well, Annie, that's a lovely gown.

Daphne just gave it to me.

- Really?
- I bet she did.

Dad, this is even stronger
than the last batch.

The first time I made it
was for your mother.

I wanted to pop the question
but I was afraid she'd say no.

This gave me the nerve to ask her
and I got myself a great big "yes".

And that wasn't the only yes I got
from her that night either.

Still scares me how close I came
to chickening out.

You know, as you get older,
it's not the failures that you regret

or the times
you made an ass of yourself.

It's the times you never even tried,
when you just lost your nerve.

- Wise words.
- Hear, hear.

Faint heart never won fair lady.

I'd hope that if a man fancied me,

he wouldn't be afraid to take a chance,
go for a bold gesture.

Yes, we must never be too timid
to pursue our heart's desire.

And not give a damn what the world
thinks. Right, Miss Moon?

Indeed.

It takes an hour to make one of these

but it's worth it just to sit here
and savour every sip.

- I'm done.
- Time for bed.

Wait, you're not going already,
are you? Oh, all right. Good night.

- Good night.
- Enjoy your rum.

I'd enjoy it more if it had a TV in it.

- I thought Daphne's room was...
- They must have switched.

- Sorry, I took the wrong room.
- I thought we got that backwards.

No harm done.

- Annie?
- Daphne?

- Good night, Niles.
- Good night.

Hello?

Hello.

I know what you want.
Don't be timid. Go for it.

Daphne?

- Hello, it's Niles.
- Just a moment.

I can't wait. If I don't say this now,
I may lose my nerve. I need you.

I've wanted you
since the moment I laid eyes on you.

- I feel the exact same way.
- Annie!

I see you're surprised.
I've tried to send you signals,

but as usual I was too damned subtle.

Promise you won't mention
this to Daphne.

- My lips are sealed.
- Not for long, I hope.

Come in.

Guy!

- Niles, I thought I heard you in here.
- What do you want?

Niles, you told me
you wanted to see that thing.

You know, in my room.

Yes, thank you for reminding me.

- What thing?
- It won't take long. Catch you later.

Boy, that was close.
I owe you a big one.

Your room?

Good point. She's next door.
She's bound to hear me in there.

We can go in my room.

Much safer. No matter how hard I try,
I'm bound to make noise.

Me. too.

- Daphne.
- Dr Crane.

Miss Moon.
Is your room not satisfactory?

I seem to have made a dreadful mistake.

- What are you doing in Guy's room?
- Is this Guy's room then?

- I was looking for Annie's room.
- Now it makes sense.

- I'll just go.
- Wait for me. The hall is very dark.

I'll show you the way.

- My room should be safe now.
- Very well. I'll see you later.

Excellent, yes.

- Dr Crane?
- Hello.

Frasier.

- What were you doing in Guy's room?
- Just saying good night.

- We're off to say good night to Annie.
- Good night to you, Dr Crane.

Yes, thank you. So, Annie...

- How long will you be?
- Just a minute or two.

- Right.
- Is that champagne?

Yes. I was just about
to deliver it to...

...Dad. Well, carry on.

Wait, before you see Annie,
can you come to my room?

- What for?
- There's something I need to tell you.

This may come as a surprise to you...

- Annie!
- Daphne!

I told you to leave Dr Crane alone.

- Yes, you wanted him all to yourself.
- I do not want him all to myself.

I see. It's a threesome you're after.

Well, I don't do those anymore.

There's been a misunderstanding.

I don't see how. You barged
into my room five minutes ago

and told me how much you wanted me.

- You did?
- Well, technically, yes.

Then as soon as this one
bats her eyes, it's shove off, Annie.

This is the worst birthday
I've ever had.

Dr Crane, I'm so sorry.
I've ruined everything.

What I said to Annie, I can explain.

No, it's none of my business. I've had
enough embarrassment for one night.

- Dr Crane.
- Daphne.

- Frasier.
- I'm sorry. Wrong room.

- Just get out of here right now.
- So it's this room I want then?

- Just go.
- Yes, bye-bye. Sorry again.

Bonsoir.

Guy.

- You are not the Crane I want.
- You're not even the sex I want.

Where is Niles?

Niles. Company.

What are you doing in here with Guy?

Don't be jealous, Niles.
It's not how it looks.

What?

As much as I'd like to help you
sort this thing out,

there is a beautiful woman
in here who wants me desperately.

- Annie.
- Go away. Get out.

What's going on? Guy.

How dare you barge in on me
when I'm naked?

My father told me that were hot for me.

- Your father did?
- Blame Daphne. She told him.

I said she wanted your brother.

Could Niles and l
please have some privacy?

You're just putting the moves
on everyone, aren't you?

Would you kindly get out of my bed?
I am not gay, Guy.

Acknowledge your true nature.
Stop chasing these lesbians.

Lesbians?

- Your father told me you wanted me.
- My father said I wanted you?

Hold it down.
There are people here trying to sleep.

My ears must have popped.
I can hear again.

Well, good night, all.

I suggest we all forget
this ever happened and just go to bed.

Wait, everybody.

Let me see if I can get this straight.

All the lust
coursing through this lodge tonight,

all the hormones
virtually ricocheting off the walls,

and no one...

...was chasing me?

See you at breakfast.