Frasier (1993–2004): Season 5, Episode 12 - The Zoo Story - full transcript

Well, look who's here.
It's KACL's Frasier Crane.

And Rosemary's Bebe.

Quite a shake-up
going on down at the station.

The new owner's
renegotiating everyone's contract.

Before you drop another hint,
my feelings about you haven't changed.

I'm here to meet
one of my newer clients,

a rising star of the Seattle airwaves.

What pathetic dupe
have you lured into your web?

Roz.

- Oh, dear God.
- You get off your feet, little mother.

I'll fetch you a nice nourishing muffin.



- You signed to Bebe?
- OK, I should have told you.

I wasn't in the mood for a lecture.

You're entitled to choose
whoever you wish.

Someone who's honest or whose ethics

would've raised eyebrows
in the court of Caligula.

She's got me three voice-over jobs.

She may be shifty
but she helps me put food on the table.

- One muffin.
- See?

I had a brainstorm

about how
to turn this bundle of joy into cash.

Use my baby to make money?

It's high time the little slacker
started pulling his weight.

Dr Clint Webber's medical show.
I see a daily segment called

A Pregnant Pause:
Roz Doyle's Term of Endearment.



All of Seattle will share in the miracle
happening inside you.

Your joys, hopes, morning sickness,
sonograms, even the birth.

- I'll give birth on the air?
- It's radio. Just make the noises.

Hell, I'll make them myself.

- Need anything else here?
- Just a shower, thank you.

You know, Mr Integrity,

you still haven't hired anyone
to negotiate this big deal for you.

Could it be because
you know you want to come back to me?

I'm determined
to make the right choice.

- You'll need somebody good.
- I intend to find someone good.

It's possible to find an agent

who can drive a hard bargain
and maintain high ethical standards.

Happy hunting.

If things don't work out,
you know my number.

Still 666, is it?

Dad, we had a mix-up last night
with our bags at the video store.

- Believe me, I noticed.
- There you go.

I was dismayed to see Charles Bronson
blowing away street trash.

But it was quite suspenseful.

That's the way Duke and I felt
about My Dinner with Andre.

Talk about suspense.

Will they order dessert?
Will they leave a good tip?

- Hello, Niles.
- Frasier, sorry to trouble you

but could you recommend
another couples therapist?

What happened to Dr Prescott?

Maris had me can Dr Prescott weeks ago.
Now she wants me to fire Dr Wilfong.

- What's wrong with him?
- His criticism of her is too harsh.

Some therapists can be rather blunt.
What did he say?

He asked her to refrain from
catalogue shopping during our sessions.

If you fire every therapist that finds
fault with her, you won't make progress.

You're right. I'll tell her,
we're not going to change.

- That's that.
- Good.

There's nothing more rewarding
than sticking to a principle.

Case in point, Bebe Glazer's been
angling to negotiate my new contract.

I could have said yes,
taken the money and run.

But, instead, I said no
and I found myself a new agent,

one who's every bit as smart
and also ethical.

That's him now.

I don't know what he said but there's
no such thing as an ethical agent.

One's just as slimy as the other.

Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was making
my last Meals on Wheels delivery

and I swerved to avoid a pigeon.

Then splat went the food all over
the stuffed bears for the toy drive.

I had to throw the bears in the wash

and cook some more borscht
for Mrs Popov.

This is my brother, Dr Niles Crane. Ben.

- Pleasure to meet you.
- I'm sorry I'm running out.

You're a refreshing change
from Frasier's last agent.

She would've swerved to hit the pigeon.

She would've swerved to hit Mrs Popov.

Ben, meet my dad, Martin, and this
is his home healthcare worker, Daphne.

- This is Ben, my new agent.
- Very nice to meet you.

You're a pretty busy volunteer.

Ben just won
this year's Seattle Samaritan Award.

Enough about me.
Let's talk about you. May I?

Before we start this negotiation,

it wouldn't hurt to raise your
public profile. OK, here's my plan.

For a year I've worked
for the Mercer Island Zoo.

- Creating awareness.
- There's a zoo on Mercer Island?

You bet. This will be great PR
for both of you.

They just bought a rare crane.

I convinced them to name it after you.
You know, Frasier Crane.

There'll be a ceremony
with full newspaper and TV coverage.

It's brilliant. It bolsters my
bargaining position and helps out a zoo.

I love this man.

It would be fun to have a crane
named after me.

I just love those big pouchy mouths
they scoop up the fish in.

- I think those are pelicans.
- Oh, right.

Cranes are the ones
who always sound like they're laughing.

No, wait, I'm thinking of loons.

That's a coincidence.

Shoot, I got borscht on my sleeve.

- Do you have any club soda?
- Right through here.

Frasier, are you sure
you want to send in that Mouseketeer?

Why do you assume that to be an agent
you have to be an unscrupulous huckster?

It is possible for a decent man
to be as intimidating

as the toughest shark out there.

Time to skedaddle.

I have to pick up a friend.

The poor guy just went bankrupt,
so he's bunking in our rumpus room.

That's generous of you.

Well, he's not just a friend.
He's a client.

The press and the board members
will join us in here for a buffet.

So I finish my speech and
then give Mr Twembly the cue,

and he brings out
this marvellous creature.

Just give me the signal.

This is great.
Look at this. Turkey, chicken wings.

Got to make you a little nervous, huh?

Look, it's Toffee Macintosh
from the news. I just love her.

- Frasier.
- Toffee, thank you for covering us.

You know my motto. "lf it
happens in Seattle, it's news to me".

I'd like you to meet one
of your biggest fans, Daphne Moon.

I love the way you get all sombre
when you describe a flood or a murder.

Then you cheer right up
the minute you're done.

It makes me think,
"lf she can get over it, so can l".

That's what I'm here for.

- Ready to greet your public?
- Come on, Dad.

I'll be there in a sec.

See what maternal instincts this
woman has. Even Bobo here can sense it.

I'm not the only one
getting some publicity today.

- Frasier, they want to start.
- Ben, I'd like you to meet some people.

This is Bebe and Roz.
This is Ben, my new agent.

- Hi.
- Hi, Ben.

Small world. Mr Twembly and I sang for
the same choir in Salt Lake City.

Nice meeting you, ladies.

Well, when there's a dirty job to be
done, you can't go wrong with a Mormon.

Scoff all you like.
The man is a genius of PR.

Good afternoon.
On behalf of the Mercer Island Zoo,

I would like to welcome our
very special guest, Dr Frasier Crane.

Thank you, Mr Twembly.

It's appropriate
that the zoo has called upon me

to introduce you all
to its newest resident.

You see,
he happens to be a relative of mine.

What're you looking at?
This is human food.

You don't see me
looking at your bird food, do you?

What are you doing?
That's not very nice.

Wait. No. Where are you going?

We're both tall
and have distinctive profiles.

We've both been known
to winter in Mexico.

And let's not forget our voices.

Is there anything as stirring
as the crane's majestic cry?

- Get it off me!
- Dad, are you all right?

My goodness, what is going on?

I'm sorry. Nothing to be alarmed about.

Just a little family squabble.

In a shocking and gruesome incident,

the Mercer Island Zoo seemed
more like the Island of Doctor Moreau,

as a disabled senior citizen
was savagely attacked

by Frasier Crane, bird of prey.

- I can't watch this.
- I can't hear any of it.

You weren't hurt badly. You
wouldn't know that to listen to Toffee.

- She makes it sound like a disaster.
- But she could smile right after.

This affair
has turned into a PR nightmare.

It's your own fault for hiring
Howdy Doody as your agent.

Ben had no idea
that bird was going to attack you.

Besides, there's no such thing
as bad publicity.

The radio are offering a cash prize
for the best Frasier Crane joke.

What was the front-runner? How can you
tell Frasier the crane's a psychiatrist?

I can't wait to hear.

He ignores what you say,
then sticks you with a large bill.

Forgive my jolly mood but Maris was
over for our weekly conjugal visit.

She looked so seductive. She
wore a clingy gown, crimson lipstick,

even earrings, which she tends to avoid
as they make her head droop.

She pulled me down upon the bed and
began playing my spine like a zither.

Then as things were heating up, she
requested again I dismiss Dr Wilfong.

So tremulous with desire was l
that I almost relented,

but then I remembered your advice,
Frasier, and I said I wouldn't fire him.

So Maris told me I wouldn't be firing
anything else in the foreseeable future.

And she left.

Withholding sex
can be just as difficult on Maris.

Are you serious? One hour
of passion can sustain her for months.

She stores it up like some sexual camel.

All right, Niles,
you know that my advice was solid.

I hope you're right.

I'll get it.

- Hello. Hello, Roz. It's Roz.
- Thank you.

Roz, hello. Yes, what is it?

- That's a striking arrangement.
- It's from Bebe.

She's trying to woo him back.

Birds of paradise. I suppose
that's her idea of floral irony.

Thanks for the warning, Roz.

- Bye-bye.
- What's that about?

The station manager won't be
renegotiating the contracts himself.

Apparently he's brought in one of these
hired guns stations use to reduce costs.

- Some fellow nicknamed "The Hammer".
- "The Hammer" because he's tough?

No, Niles, because he loves
the lyrics of Oscar Hammerstein.

If I were you, I'd give Bebe a call.

This is a pretty big negotiation.

No, Dad, I am sticking with Ben.

Maybe Bebe could use her dark arts
to get me a dollar or two more,

but my integrity
is worth more than that.

- Hey, big guy. How are you doing?
- I'm fine.

People are being mean about this.

I was listening to the radio
on the way over. Ouch.

I always say, "lf life
hands you a lemon, make lemonade".

- So you've got a damage control plan?
- I got a way to turn this mess around

and show that station manager
what you're made of.

Excellent. But you'll be dealing
with a freelancer they call the Hammer.

- You've gone up against him?
- I had to take a firm line with him.

I finally said,
"You just clean up your language, pal."

"l walked out of that Mamet play,
I can walk out on you".

- So, about your plan.
- I think there's a way to show people

you're laughing with them.
You do a photo op where you,

Seattle's best-loved psychiatrist,
give the crane therapy.

You sit in a chair with a pad on your
lap, and the crane, properly sedated,

sits on...

this.

- Where did you find a couch that size?
- I built it myself.

I have a workshop in my attic where l
make toys for the neighbourhood kids.

Look at you. Agent, Samaritan,

elf.

Dad, I like this idea.
It's droll and self-mocking.

It's a way to turn
a PR embarrassment into a triumph.

Great. I'll set up the photo op.
Don't be nervous about the Hammer.

I can be a tough customer myself.

I know you're going to give him hell.

I love show folk,
but I'll never get used to the cursing.

Latte, please.

Didn't I see your picture
in the paper today?

There was a big bird
chasing you around a little couch.

Latte, please.

I think you have a real case against
the maker of those crane sedatives.

I just wish they'd named
the damned bird after somebody else.

Gregory Peck, perhaps.

Thank you for the sympathy.

You're not the only one having a rough
patch. My libido is at breaking point.

- You can't give in.
- I am getting desperate.

This morning I flirted
with my manicurist.

- The one with the thing on her face?
- I told you, I'm desperate.

What can be keeping Ben?

After all this, you're still using Ben?
Shouldn't you just go back to Bebe?

You think if I bail on my principles, it
gives you an excuse to go back to Maris.

Well, I won't do it. Ben may have made
some mistakes, but he is a good man.

He's going to make me a good deal.

Gil. How did it go with the Hammer?

You've never seen such cold, dead eyes.
It was like bargaining with Nosferatu.

- My salary's been slashed.
- I'm sorry.

- Anything else for you?
- Would you nibble this provocatively?

Niles!

We're fine, thank you.

I wish you good luck, Frasier.

Nobody can squeeze blood
from that stone.

Lattes for everyone.

Don't tell me you did well?

I got a weekly spot on Clint Webber's
show and a 30% raise.

- How did you get all that?
- We go way back, the Hammer and I.

I know where the bodies are buried.

Usually that's just a metaphor.

So, Gil, what'll you have? My treat.

I'll be happier at the losers' table
with Aunt Penny, the Story Lady.

Penny, don't put that flask away.

Well, congratulations, Roz.

I'm waiting for Ben. We have
to discuss our bargaining position.

There are so many to choose from:
kneeling, crawling, grovelling.

I'm sure he'll pick the right one.

God, she is obnoxious.

Though alluring,
in a buxom-bad-girl kind of way.

Shut up, you horny idiot.

My bandage is loose. If Ben gets here,
just tell him I went in to fix it.

We have to talk.

Are you aware you are in the men's room?

If I paid attention to signs
with pictures on them,

I'd never get a parking space.

It's time we dropped the masks.
You need me and I want you back.

Sign this contract. I'll cut you a deal
to make Roz's look like lunch money.

Isn't there a zebra carcass somewhere
you should be hovering over?

You want to see a carcass?
Go look in the mirror.

Look what you've let that man
do to you.

Your face is riddled with bird bites,
your name's a punchline

and your career
is five minutes from over.

And he's only been your agent
for three days.

Send him in against the Hammer
and you'll be doing fog reports

from a lighthouse in Puget Sound.

- Admit it, you're scared.
- All right, maybe I am scared.

But there's one thing
that's stronger than fear. Faith.

Faith that a good man with a good heart
can make a good deal.

- Now get out of my way.
- No, I won't let you.

You know what I've been through
building your career?

I have been to hell and back
so often I have frequent flyer miles.

You owe me a second chance.

Take your tentacles off of me.

Please. I won't be the same Bebe
you knew. I'll change.

I'll be like Ben...

only competent.

Darling, you forgot to sign.

You've reconciled.
I'll be off to Maris's.

Sit down, Niles.

I'm still with Ben.

I took my son's troop on a nature hike
and Noah got a bee sting.

I rushed him to the ER
and came straight here.

- We've got five minutes.
- Excuse me.

Bebe can make you a better deal.

- Listen to Roz.
- Listen to Niles.

I won't listen to any of you.

Am I the last man still willing
to stand up for a principle?

Shall we go over those demands
for old Mr Hammer?

Ben, could we have a word?

Hello, Maris?

I don't think it's news to you that
things haven't been going so smoothly.

I think I'd feel more comfortable
with Bebe.

This must seem
a bit of a shock to you, but...

Heck, no. I saw this coming.
When you threw that couch at me,

I thought to myself,
"This is not a happy client".

Thanks for understanding.

Taxi!

Sign right here, darling.

I'm holding you
to that promise about changing.

- I won't stand for any shady doings.
- Those days are all behind me.

Maybe you can see what you can do about
diffusing this bird situation.

You don't have to worry
about the crane.

It choked to death this morning.

They have no idea
who would feed a bird a jawbreaker.

Bye now.

Bebe, is there any chance it wasn't you?

Darling,

there's always a chance.

I can live with that.