Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 9 - Dad Loves Sherry, the Boys Just Whine - full transcript

It sure...

- Hello, Frasier.
- Niles.

- Maureen.
- Hi, Niles.

A, uh, nonfat cap, please.

- I'll pay for his too.
- Well, thank you.

My day started off with good news,
and it's already getting better.

To what do I owe this largesse?

Well, I'm having
a pretty great day too.

See, a few months ago,
I took my first tennis lesson...

And you've finally
mastered the backhand.

No, I haven't played since.



But the guy who was teaching me...

Has won your girlish heart.

No, he was a loser.

But that day, he hit me this
little dink shot,

and I ran for it,
and I stubbed my toe.

I got this big black toenail
that lasted for, like, three months,

and today it finally fell off.

I can wear sandals again.

- Thanks, Frasier.
- Goodbye, Maureen.

- And good luck.
- Thanks.

- Frasier, may I borrow your spoon?
- Certainly.

I have an announcement.

You know, frankly, so do I.

Dad's girlfriend just told me
some very big news.



Well, unless she's expecting
our baby brother,

my news takes precedence.

- She's not, is she?
- No, no.

Guess who just won this year's
Mariott Fassbinder Award

for Distinguished Contribution
to the Literature of Psychiatry.

Judging from the canary feathers
protruding from your mouth,

- I'd say you.
- Yes.

What article did you win for?

A gripping case history
of a narcissistic opera singer.

I called it, "Me Me Me Me Me."

- It's very clever. I like that.
- Yes.

Thrilled as I am, I must admit I'm a tad
nervous about the awards banquet.

- Why?
- Dad.

I want him there, of course,

but I'm just dreading a rerun
of Aunt Vi's wedding.

Yes, the hour he spent regaling
the table with "Little Niles" stories.

Exactly.

Imagine an entire roomful
of trained psychiatrists

hearing the story of Sheldon,
my imaginary prot?g?.

Oh, yes, Sheldon.

That troubled little fellow
who kept wetting your bed.

Well, you know, if you're thinking
of excluding Dad from the event,

your timing couldn't be worse.

It's his birthday this weekend.

Oh, right.

On top of that,
Maureen just told me

that she's decided
to break it off with him.

- No.
- Yes.

Oh, dear. What?

Is it the age difference?

No, no, she was quite emphatic
on that point.

She just thinks they have
nothing in common.

Oh, poor Dad. I know how much
he enjoyed going out with her.

Yes, just the other day
he was saying

that between her police badge
and his handicap sticker,

they could park anywhere.

Evening, Dr Crane.

Daphne, thank God you're home first.
Listen, I have to warn you.

- About what?
- Dad and Maureen are on a date.

It's not going well. She's telling him
that she wants to break it off.

Oh, this vision you're getting,

is it a tingly feeling
and a picture in your head,

or more like a husky voice
murmuring in your ear?

It's not a vision.

Maureen told me about this
this afternoon.

Just worried about Dad.
We have to help him through this.

I wouldn't worry about your father.

People are more resilient
than you think.

You know, when Joe dumped me
a few weeks ago,

I thought I'd lost the love of me life.

I figured I'd spend the rest of my years
dwelling on what might have been.

The home we'd have made,
the children running through it,

growing old together.

Did I mention Joe's getting married?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, I'm all right.

[DAPHNE CRIES]

Oh, Daphne. Daphne.

That'll be fine.

I should've known
that you'd hate Indian food.

No, it was great. I just... You know,
it just takes a little getting used to.

Yeah, it does.
You should try it again sometime.

I think I just did.

So are you gonna come in
for some coffee?

No, you're not feeling too well.

I think I'll just call it a night.

I thought you said there was
something you wanted to talk about.

It can wait.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.

How was your date?

Awful. I never felt this bad
in my life.

- Oh, Dad.
- Yeah.

I feel like my guts
have been ripped out.

Dad, let me assure you
this has nothing to do with your age.

The hell it doesn't. This never would've
happened 20 years ago.

Well, you know, Dad,
I may be talking out of turn here,

but Maureen told me about this.

- What?
- Yes.

Yes, she came to me for advice.

That's how determined she was
not to hurt you.

You see...

...she wanted to make it
perfectly clear

that her breaking up with you
had nothing to do with your age,

but, rather, your compatibility.

You see, it's not your fault

that you don't like the same food,
music or movies...

And she didn't bring this up,
did she?

- No.
- Dad, I'm sorry.

- She doesn't want to see me again?
- I know. I feel so terrible.

Listen, Dad, I know exactly how
you're feeling right now.

But, believe me, the pain will pass.

It may take some time.

This is great.

Or not.

Wait till I tell Sherry.

- Sherry?
- Wow.

This stuff works pretty good.
We got any pretzels?

Dad?

Just who is Sherry?

She's this great lady I met
down at McGinty's.

You know, I've been trying for weeks

to get up the nerve
to end it with Maureen.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Good Lord. I've been worried
all afternoon about

Maureen breaking your heart,
and all along, you've been two-timing...

Maureen.

Oh.

Well, hi, Maureen. Come in.

- Did you forget something?
- Yes, I did.

Oh, don't mind me.
I was just going out.

To the powder room.

Bye-bye.

There's something that I've
been meaning to say to you,

and I keep putting it off.

And that's not fair to you.

What is it?

I don't think it's working out.

You don't?

Wow.

I didn't see that coming.

Marty, it's not the age difference.

It's just... All we ever talk about
is the police force,

- and I enjoy that, but I just think...
- No, Maureen.

Now, come on.
You don't need to explain.

You know, I guess I always knew

that I could never hold on
to a prize like you forever.

But at least I did it for a while.

So are...? Are you okay?

I will be.

It just takes a little time,
you know, but...

You take care of yourself.

Yeah, you too. Okay.

- You old fraud.
- What?

You made her believe
that she'd broken your heart.

Well, of course I did.

When a woman breaks up with you,
you have to act sad. It's only polite.

Polite?

My God, Dad, guilt is
a very destructive emotion.

Spare me the lvy League bull.

There ain't a dame alive who wouldn't
rather break a guy's heart

than think she hadn't
even made a dent in it.

I may not have been to Harvard,
but I have been to the college of love.

Apparently on a Spillane Fellowship.

- DAPHNE: Hello, Dr Crane.
- NILES: Hey, Daphne.

- FRASIER: Hello, Niles.
- NILES: Where's the birthday boy?

He's getting all dolled up
for his lady friend.

You should see how excited he is.

Not half as excited as he's going to be
when he sees these new videos.

Twelve cassettes of the history
of World War II.

For those who thought the original
was fun but too short.

This year I thought, "What the hell,
give him something he wants

instead of what I think he needs."

- Very commendable sentiment.
- What did you get him?

An Armani tux.

Well, my banquet's coming up.

- MARTIN: Hey, Niles.
- NILES: Hey, Dad.

- Don't you look dapper?
- Well, thanks.

Yeah, I heard the door.
I thought maybe it was Sherry.

I thought we were joining her
and your chums at the restaurant.

Yeah, I changed my mind.

You know, I just thought that...
I'm just so anxious for you to meet her.

I know you're gonna love her.
No. Forget I said that.

I mean, you will,
but I just don't wanna jinx it.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

There it is. Frasier, answer the door,
would you, please?

No, wait, I'll get it.

Happy birthday.

Come on in and meet the family.

Hi. Sherry Dempsey.

Now, Marty didn't tell me
the two of you were so handsome.

Hello. Daphne Moon.

Oh, the physical therapist.

- Right.
- Don't worry about me, honey.

I'm not the jealous type.

Anybody that keeps my Marty limber
is aces in my book.

- Hey, sit down, Sherry. Come on.
- Okay.

You know, Fras,
Sherry's a big fan of your show.

Oh, yes, a big fan.

Well, as a matter of fact,
when my friend Donna's marriage

was on the rocks, you were the one
that she called for advice.

Really? And did my advice
prove helpful?

That's not important.

- You cared. That's what matters.
- Can we offer you a drink?

Well, actually, since it's a special
occasion, I brought some bubbly.

- Let's crack it open.
- Well.

Yes, why not?

Oh, look, Frasier, Cold Duck.

- You ever had it?
- Just once.

- I'll do the honours.
- Thank you.

Oh, I love this apartment.

- Wow, that's some view you've got.
- FRASIER: Thank you.

Which room's mine?

Gotcha.

She's always doing stuff like that.

Oh, I love making people laugh.

To me, humour is like medicine.

Guess we're in the placebo group.

So, um...

Dad tells me that you, you two kids
met at McGinty's.

That's right. I tend bar there.

Saw your dad there one night
looking kind of lonesome,

- and I said to myself...
- Bottoms up.

Well, something like that.

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

- Well, happy birthday.
- Thank you.

- Yes.
- Through the lips and over the gums...

Look out taste buds, here it comes.

I never heard that version.

- Mmm.
- DAPHNE: Ooh.

Mmm.

DAPHNE:
Ooh. Lovely.

SHELLY:
Woo!

SHELLY:
Oh!

[MARTY COUGHS]

I'd better be careful. Two glasses
of that, I'd be dancing on the table.

Yeah, you know,
Sherry used to be on stage.

On Broadway?

Las Vegas. Ever been there?

Just once.

What a town, huh?
Great food, terrific theatre.

Just too darn easy to get married.

- You're separated, right?
- Yes.

I've been there.

- Listen, you want my advice?
- Well...

Don't mope.
Get right back in the saddle.

My mama always used to say to me,

"Honey, the only way to get over
someone is to get under someone."

- It's cute, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Well, Mama had lots
of sayings like that.

I didn't know Mae West had children.

Well, hey, we'd better be going.

So if you want to freshen
up or anything, you'd better do it now.

- It's down there.
- I'll show you the way.

I know what you're doing here.
You just want the reviews.

Talk me up.

No, that's not it at all.
You think you're so smart.

Well, what do you think?

- Wow.
- Niles?

Oh, I'll see that "wow"
and raise you a "zowie."

I'm so glad you like her.
Now, you really do, right?

Yes, Dad.

- Absolutely.
- That's great.

Great. We're gonna have to
spend more time here.

You know, she's got that fourth-floor
walk-up, and it's murder on my hip.

Not that I wouldn't climb
the Space Needle

to hear her play that banjo of hers.

Clam up, boys, she's back.

You know, I keep meaning to ask

what's that lovely perfume
you're wearing?

Yes, I've been
wondering that myself.

It's called Milady's Boudoir.

You wouldn't believe
what a bargain it is.

For a hundred bucks, I could
buy enough to drown myself in.

- I've got 60.
- Yeah.

NILES: Again, I'm sorry for not
making it over for dinner last night,

- but I had this tickle in my throat.
- Spare me your lame excuses.

We both know why
you weren't there.

How was Sherry?

Colourful as ever.

Last night she treated us to selections
from her unpublished volume

of limericks for lovers.

The last several about a well-travelled
man fortuitously named Horatio.

- Oh, dear God. Don't turn around.
- Who is it?

It's Dad, and he's
brought Sophie Tucker.

Oh, no.

- But this is our place.
- Don't look.

Hi. How are you doing?

- Look who's here.
- Hi, boys!

Oh, wow, what a cute place this is.

I walk by here all the time
and never stopped in.

Yeah, well, the boys love it here.

We should start coming here.
Make room at that table.

We'll be right back.
We're gonna get a cuppa.

Quick, Niles, pull up the ladder.

- She found our clubhouse.
- Oh.

This can not go on.

You're right.

Dad has to be politely told that

even though he may
enjoy her company,

he has no right to...
What's a polite word for "inflict"?

I don't know,
but I'm sure you'll find one.

Me? You mean I have to
do this alone?

I thought the two of us
would sit down and talk to him...

No, no, no, no.
I'm afraid you're the one

who's going to be making
that little speech.

Niles, both of us
have a problem...

Ah, ah, ah, ah. She's not
invading my apartment.

I can afford to be patient.

You are a little weasel, aren't you?

A little weasel
whose daddy loves him.

Niles, before I forget.
About your banquet?

Are we talking fancy-schmancy?

That's not exactly the way it was
worded on the invitation, but yes.

- Why?
- Well, Daphne's got a cold,

so Sherry's gonna use her ticket.

What fun.

That's coming up soon, isn't it?

Maybe you should start working
on that little speech.

Ooh. So fancy dress, huh? Good.

I have got a backless
leopard-skin number

that is gonna knock your eyes out.

Gotcha.

Ow!

I'm sorry. I'm smushing you.

No, that's all right.
We were just leaving.

- Ah, you gotta go?
- Yes.

Well, now, Niles, don't worry
about your banquet.

I'll wear a nice dress
and put on my best dancing shoes.

Well, there won't be dancing.

You just leave that to Sherry.

Well, your little banquet
should prove quite amusing.

I hope Dr Gottfreund doesn't
aggravate his hernia

when he goes underneath
the limbo pole.

I have to talk to Dad.

I can't let her ruin the most
important evening of my life.

What do I say to him?

Frasier, you've gotta help me.

Well, prepared though you were
to abandon me,

and let me handle all
the dirty work alone, I will

swallow my resentment,
confront him with you tonight,

and take my share of the heat.

Thank you.

Gotcha.

So, Niles, what are you
in the mood for?

Normandy or the
Battle of the Bulge?

Whatever.

What...? You've been fidgeting around
all night. Something on your mind?

Uh, yes, actually.

- It's about my awards banquet.
- Yeah?

Uh.

Dad, this is very difficult to say.

Uh...

I would really rather...

...you didn't...

...wear those pants.

Well, I'm not. I'm wearing that
Avanti tux you gave me.

What's your problem?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I guess l...

I don't know, I'm just nervous
about tomorrow night.

God knows why.

[BANJO TWANGS]

- Evening, Dad.
- Evening.

Something wrong?

You know, that brother of yours
can be downright insulting.

He's so afraid someone's gonna
embarrass him at his fancy dinner.

Um, you know, Niles, uh,

told me about what he was
going to say to you tonight and, um,

well, I must say in his defence

that it is an important evening
for him and, well, let's face it,

Sherry can be a bit much.

- She can, huh?
- Well...

I mean, I don't mean it as a criticism,
mind you. Some people like that.

Well, now that Niles
has broached the subject,

I must say that I too,
find Sherry a bit brassy...

...and flamboyant...

He didn't say a word to you, did he?

I don't believe this.
You got a problem with Sherry?

That delightful woman?

Oh, knock it off.

I see you're still waiting
on that spine donor.

Look, Dad, there is no
reason to belabour this point...

No, no. You got something to say,
let's hear it.

You don't like her?

Please understand, Dad, as happy as
we are that you've found someone...

- But you don't like her.
NILES: We're not saying that.

She, She's just not the sort of person
that we would

normally choose to spend time with.

In other words, you don't like her.

Come on, we're all grown-ups here.
Tell me the truth.

All right, Dad, we don't like her.

Fine. If that's the way
you feel about it, don't worry.

I won't bring her back
here anymore.

I guess it's too much to expect
my own family

to make a person I care about
feel welcome.

Wait a minute!

When did you ever make
any of the women

we were involved with feel welcome?

Ooh, Frasier, you're right.
He almost got away with that.

When did Lilith ever step foot
in your house

that you didn't make her feel
as wanted as a fungus?

Not to mention my Maris.

What, you're comparing a warm lady
like Sherry to Frosty the Snow Wife?

There! That, that, that is exactly
what I'm talking about.

Oh, you know, why don't we
just face facts?

I mean, since when
has any one of us ever,

from Sherry, to Lilith,
to Maris, to Diane,

has ever been able to pick one
woman the other two could stand?

I picked your mother.

I'm sorry, Niles.
I've been hogging the floor.

Um...

Ah, forget it.

You're right.

Why should I expect you to make
the effort when I'm no better?

Hell, you probably got it from me.

You sure didn't get it from your mother,
because she was great that way.

Anytime she ever met anybody,

she would always find something
to like about them.

One of the things I loved her for.

That's one of the things
I love Sherry for.

She's a lot like your
mother that way.

She'll always find something.

Even with you two.

Well, I...

...suppose we could

all afford to be a bit more open-minded
when it comes to each other's mates.

Well, at the very least,

if we can't say anything nice,
we shouldn't say anything at all.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

We'll be having
some quiet Thanksgivings,

but fine with me.

- Hi, Sherry.
- Hi.

- Don't you look nice? Come on in.
- Well, thank you, Frasier.

Oh, Marty, I brought you
one more little gift.

- Another one?
- Well, I wanted to give it to you

on your birthday, but it took
a while to find the right size.

Really? I'm usually a pretty easy fit.

- Who said it's for you to wear?
- Oh-ho!

MARTIN:
I like it already.

Oh, I should stop.

- I'm embarrassing your boys.
- No, you're not.

Is she?

No.

- Party on.
- All right.

Well, I think we should go
and unwrap this.

Oh, Dad, Lilith mentioned that she was
gonna be joining Frederick

on his next visit. You don't mind
if she stays here, do you?

Oh, Lilith? No. Great. I love Lilith.

MARTIN: That's terrific.
No, she's welcome here anytime.

Honey, you're hurting my hand.

Oh, listen, I should mention,
I'm kind of a sleepwalker.

So if you get up in the night,
and find me in here naked,

just give me a good hard shake.
I'll come to in a jiff.

Ha! Ha-ha!

Got me. Good one.

That was great.

- You really got them good.
- I know.