Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 10 - Liar! Liar! - full transcript

FRASIER: I'm glad you came back
with us. I hope you had a good time.

Well, I can't tell you how much
fun this has been.

Listen, now that you know the way,
don't be a stranger, okay?

Good night.

Who the hell was that?

- He's not from the station?
- I never saw him before.

He was table-hopping like crazy
during the awards.

That's because he was our waiter.

Well, that's the last time I say,
"Everybody back to my place."

BULLDOG: Oh, who cares
about that guy? This is a great night.

For you, maybe.
The rest of us lost.



Hey, it's not important
whether you win or lose.

It's an honour just being nomi...

[LAUGHING]

I couldn't get through that crap
on stage. I can't get through it now.

- Do you mind if I use your phone?
FRASIER: No, not at all.

Who are you calling?
It's midnight.

I promised my grandmother I'd leave
her a message telling her how we did.

Hey, Gammy, it's Roz. Guess what?
I won again. We're all here celebrating.

ALL:
Yay.

ROZ:
Listen, I gotta go.

It's getting crazy here,
but I'll talk to you tomorrow. Bye-bye.

You lied to Gammy?

Well, she's old,
and it makes her happy.

She smiled for a week when I won
the Miss Seattle pageant.



You know, Roz raises a very
interesting philosophical question.

Here we go. Buckle up.

Is it always morally wrong to lie?

Now, we are taught that it is.

But are there certain occasions
where a lie would be acceptable?

Yeah, like the lies
you tell a chick in bed.

"You're the best I've ever been with."
"Your thighs don't look that fat."

"Don't worry, I've had a vasectomy."

Hey, screw you guys! I'm an artist.
We live by different rules.

An argument can certainly be
made that a lie is good

when it spares someone
unnecessary pain.

I'm reminded of Maris' brief flirtation
with active wear when I assured her,

"You look fine, darling,
spandex is supposed to blouse."

You know, Lilith actually told me
the other day that

Frederick has taken to lying.

Yes, he told all of his friends
that Lilith is an alien.

It seems as good an explanation
as any.

Yes, he also told them that she wears
her hair in a bun

to hide the third eye
in the back of her head.

- How did Lilith find out?
FRASIER: Well,

apparently, she was driving him
and two of his friends over

to a Junior Mensa meeting.

She looked in the rear-view mirror

and saw that they were
making faces at the other cars.

So never have the words
"I can see you"

caused so much screaming
and wetting of pants.

[LAUGHING]

I did my share of fibbing too.

I once told my school chums
I was born with a tiny embryonic twin

attached to my hip.

Of course, they were horrified,
and it didn't help my social life at all.

Oh, but for a while there
it was nice having a sister.

Oh, remember in prep school
when we were so desperate

to avoid the President's
Physical Fitness Test...

That we lit a match underneath
the fire alarm,

- and all the sprinklers went off.
- And we blamed that delinquent kid,

- John Rajeski.
- Yes.

- You did what?
- What's wrong?

You two swore up and down to me
that you never set off that alarm.

Well, of course, we weren't gonna
tell you.

NILES: For heaven's sake, Dad,
you can't be mad.

We were kids.

You know, the headmaster said
it was you two.

I went there and raised hell with him.
I said, "My kids don't lie."

Because of you, that Rajeski kid
got expelled.

Expelled?

Jeez, if we'd known that was
gonna happen,

- we would've told the truth.
- Not me.

He was a brute and a meanie.

FRASIER:
You're right.

He used to make the
most merciless fun of me

because I always wore
my gym shorts in the shower.

He used to call me
shorts-in-the-shower boy.

Well, you don't have to be witty
to be cruel.

I don't give a damn what that kid did.
Getting him expelled was worse.

I'm going to bed.
Good night, everybody.

- Good night.
FRASIER: Good night, Dad.

Well, I guess that brings an end
to our little debate.

Apparently, there are no good lies.

Hey, hey, it's getting
kind of heavy in here.

We gotta liven this place up, huh?

Hey, I know. Party games, huh?

All right, doc, I'm gonna need

a blindfold, some whipped cream
and a glass coffee table.

What? Nobody here went to camp?

- Forget it.
- Hold on. These guys are no fun.

You know what? I know a great
after-hours place

where we can go get a few drinks.

Now you're talking.

Hey, if things go well,

I know an after-after-hours place.

- I got the keys.
- You get the elevator, I'll get my coat.

You're on.

No good lies, my ass.

NILES: Good morning, Frasier.
- Oh, good morning, Niles.

Oh, dear God, it's finally happened.

This is the thanks I get

for introducing you
to my personal shopper.

I gave Rinaldo instructions
to write down

every article of clothing I've purchased

so we could avoid
this sort of calamity.

I didn't use Rinaldo.

This suit just caught my eye
while I was shopping for shoes.

Oh!

Well, why didn't you also take

- my strong chin and swimmer's build?
FRASIER: Oh, please.

- Obviously, we have to sit apart today.
- Oh, sit down!

There's something I need
to talk to you about.

Most people aren't as attuned
to these things as you and I are.

I'm sure they won't even notice.

Here, double espresso.

I took a chance and brought you
the same thing.

FRASIER:
Well, anyway,

after our conversation last night,
I couldn't stop thinking

about our getting
John Rajeski expelled.

- I didn't sleep a wink.
- You can't be serious.

You mean, it didn't bother you?
Where is your conscience?

Perhaps it fell into the quad
along with my hall monitor beret

when John hung me from the flagpole.

He was going to be expelled
sooner or later.

You cannot guilt me into feeling bad.

Yes, well, no one hated him
more than I did,

but I still think we owe him an apology.

- May I borrow your phone, Niles?
- Certainly. There you are.

You're not going to call him.

- I am.
- Are you insane?

Hello, a number for a John Rajeski,
please.

Niles, my conscience won't rest until
the two of us have said we're sorry.

Oh, yes, connect me, please.

Leave me out of this. I'm not sorry.

But don't tell him that.

And if he asks, I'm living in Italy.

No, no, France.

No, Italy.

Yes, hello.

Is John Rajeski there, please?
It's an old friend of his.

Oh.

I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
Thank you.

Niles, it's worse than we thought.

He's in prison.

Well, who's wearing shorts
in the shower now?

Yes, well, joke all you like.

I still can't help thinking
this is all our fault.

- How?
- Well, he was always on the cusp.

Maybe he couldn't get in another prep
school. Maybe he had to go to public.

Fell in with the wrong crowd,

couldn't hold down a job,
he turned to a life of crime.

Frasier, sometimes bad things
happen to bad people.

We did not set him
on the path to prison.

Until I'm sure, my conscience will
not rest. I have got to speak with him.

May I have the check?

You're not going down
to the jail.

Yes, I am.
I invite you to join me.

Oh, yes, that's a good idea, Frasier.

The Crane boys going to a prison
in matching outfits.

- Frasier Crane?
- John.

Hey, how's it going?

Well, fine. And you?

Eh.

- What brings you down here?
- Well,

I don't know if you get
the alumni magazine, but

- No.
- I became a psychiatrist,

and I'm currently conducting
a study on men behind bars

and how they got there. That's an
awfully nasty bruise on your knuckles.

Oh, this... Caught some guy
using my comb.

I really hate it when people
touch my stuff.

Oh, yes, I remember my brother Niles
once sat in your chair in the cafeteria.

As I recall, you put him on a tray
and ran him through the dishwasher.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, class clown, that was me.

Yeah, how is Niles anyway?

He's... He's abroad now.

Really?

- Whoa, that must have hurt.
- No, no, I mean...

Well, yes, I suppose it did.

Anyway, it would be an enormous
help in my study if you could

perhaps pinpoint the moment
or event in your life

that led you to here.

Oh, that's easy.

I'm doing time for
passing a bad check.

Yeah, you see, I wanted
to get my wife something nice.

Been going through
a rough time recently.

I was scared she was gonna leave me.

That was quick and painless.

We identified the point
where you fell off the beam.

Actually, though,
I was already on probation.

I did some time about ten years back

for driving a car
that didn't belong to me.

And that was your first infraction.

- Oh, yeah.
- Well, then,

case closed, mystery solved.

Young man yields to the lure
of a bright and shiny car.

- Is there anything more tragic?
- I did have a juvenile record.

Apparently, there is.

Got thrown out of high school
for fighting.

You did say high school,
not prep school?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
This was way after you knew me.

I went bad then.

Always getting into fights.

Of course, I wouldn't have been there
in the first place

if I hadn't got thrown out of
that good school you and me were in.

That had a big effect on me,
you know?

Yes, well, perhaps we could
continue our backward journey...

No, no, no, that was a bum rap.

Somebody pulled the fire alarm.

They blamed me for it.
They said I did it. I didn't do it.

- Let's discuss your early childhood.
- You know,

the more I think about it,

this all started the day
I got thrown out of prep school.

Ever since then, my life's been crap.

Crap!

You know, I think I have all
the information I need now.

Sorry, I didn't mean to blow like that.

Well, that's all right, John.

Thank you for your time.

Got plenty of it, huh?

- See you.
- Yeah.

No, no, John, there's just
one more thing.

One second, please.

There's something I need
to tell you about.

Something I did in school
I'm not very proud of.

Yo, John. Sorry I touched
your comb, man.

JOHN:
Beat it.

So, what'd you do?

Well, I peeked over your shoulder once
during an algebra quiz.

And I'm the one who gets expelled.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

DAPHNE:
Evening, Dr Crane.

NILES: Hello, Daphne, Dad.
MARTIN: Hi.

Is something wrong with your back?

I injured it this morning

playing squash.

I had to make a dive
to save match point.

Well, I've got just the thing
to take care of that.

Take off your jacket.
I'll be right back.

NILES:
You're too kind.

I should never have even
attempted a move like that.

It was sort of a cross between
a pirouette and a flying-scissor kick.

You hurt yourself adjusting the seat
in your Mercedes again?

Quiet.

All right, pull out your shirttails
and lay face down on the sofa.

I can guarantee you within a minute
you'll be feeling much better.

[MOANING]

I haven't even touched you yet.

I started without you.

Hey, wait a minute. You're not gonna
use that stuff on him, are you?

She used it on me one time,
and it burned like hell.

Oh, hush up, old man.
It helped you, didn't it?

It nearly killed me.

Oh, listen to the big,
tough policeman.

You don't hear your son complaining,
do we, Dr Crane?

Not a bit.

Frost me like a cake.

Well, just wait a minute.

It goes on cool, but then
it turns into a blowtorch.

Well, I guess now we know who
the real man in the family is, don't we?

I should say we do.

- Is it starting to warm up?
- Yeah.

But it's... It's a refreshing heat,

like those towels they give you
on the airplane.

Whoo.

I'm not hurting you, am I?

No, no, I'm just a little ticklish
back there.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Well, I guess you are the tough one.

DAPHNE: There you go.
- Wait a minute. You missed a spot.

NILES:
No, that's okay,

because it's all done now.
And thank you, Daphne.

A few minutes ago, I was bent over
in pain, but now look at me.

I'm running!

- How is that hip of yours, anyway?
- Back off, witch woman.

DAPHNE: Evening, Dr Crane.
- Good evening, Daphne.

- How'd it go at the jail?
- Horribly.

The man is convinced that
getting thrown out of prep school

was the beginning of his life of crime.

He's been thinking that
all these years?

No.

I sort of...

...connected the dots for him.

- Did you tell him it was you?
- No, I intended to,

but I became convinced the man
would be willing

to perform unspeakable atrocities
on the responsible party or parties.

MARTIN:
Well, you probably made the right call.

Knowing you, you'd beat yourself up
worse than he would anyway.

I hope you remembered to tell him
I was an expatriate.

I told him you were an ex-something.

You know, I just feel so guilty.

Jeez, I've done this man
a terrible injustice.

You know, Dr Crane,
I've always believed

life has a way of balancing itself out.

Well, yes, you may have
treated this man unfairly,

but think of all the people
you've helped on your show.

Well, just yesterday you reconciled
that couple on the brink of divorce.

Today you helped Molly from Tacoma
overcome her addiction to Swedes.

That was "sweets," not Swedes.

I thought it was strange
when you told her

to limit herself to one or two
after meals.

Perhaps I just have an
overactive conscience.

It's not enough that I've helped
other people, I want to help this man.

I hope you do, because then you'll stop
torturing the rest of us with all your...

- Oh, pain's back.
- Don't worry, she's got more liniment.

Oh, pain's gone.

Oh, come on now. Don't be brave.

Let's go into the loo,
and I'll give you a second coat.

You know, Dad,
Daphne gives me a thought.

I'm a skilled couple's therapist.

And John did mention that
he was having marital problems.

MARTIN: Oh, jeez.
- No, Dad, this is perfect. It's perfect.

I may have ruined the last 25 years
of this man's life, but with my gift,

I could save the next 25.

- A listing for John Rajeski. Residence.
- I'm telling you, Frasier,

don't get mixed up with this guy.
He's a felon.

Connect me, please.
Dad, just relax, I know what I'm doing.

Mrs Rajeski.

Hello. You don't know me, but I'm...

[NILES SCREAMING]

My.

Well, that's remarkable.
Yes, I am a friend of your husband's.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Mrs Rajeski.

Wow, it's really you,

- Frasier Crane.
- Yes. May I?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Please, please, come in.

You know, you're kind of like a god
down at work.

- Please, please sit down.
- Thank you, thank you.

Well, let me cut right to the chase.

John told me that you two
were going through a bit of a...

A rough patch, and

I was wondering if there's anything
I can do to help.

Well, I love John. I really do.
But there is a problem.

It's just a little difficult
talking about it, you know.

I mean, it's a little embarrassing,
especially face to face.

Well, then, I'll tell you what.
Just pretend I'm on my radio show.

There. There now,
you're just another caller.

SUSAN:
Okay.

Well, Dr Crane,
it's a sexual problem.

You see, I can only get really
turned on when there's

something that makes
the whole situation sort of...

...dangerous.
- Dangerous?

- You're looking at me.
- Sorry.

Like doing it in a car.

Well, that's not so dangerous.

You must be some driver.

Oh.

And you've never had an accident?

No, I'm on the pill.

So... Well, how long have you had
this particular kink?

Well, I don't know really. It...

It kind of started around the time
that I first met John.

I was working in a convenience store.
I caught him shoplifting.

Next thing I knew, we were rolling
around on the Slurpee machine.

I'd already pressed the silent alarm, so
I knew that the cops were on their way.

That's when I realized
what really turns me on.

Knowing I could get caught
at any moment.

Oh, dear God! He's out of jail, isn't he?

- He could walk in at any time.
- Come on, he'll kill us.

Touch me here and say that.

FRASIER:
Are you crazy?

He doesn't even
let people touch his comb!

I know. What's that all about?

Put your dress back on.
Straighten up before he gets home.

JOHN:
Hey, Suse, come on, open up.

Look, if you've only got time for one,
I suggest the dress.

- Where's the bedroom?
- You're in it.

Get him out of here.

Pass up a chance
to have sex with him

knowing he could find you here
at any minute?

FRASIER:
Oh, God!

SUSAN:
Welcome home, baby!

JOHN:
It's great to be back!

What are you doing?

SUSAN:
Well, I'm just getting ready for you.

Oh, I missed you.
So do you want to?

Sure, I do, but...

You mean, normally?

The super's not gonna barge in?

You didn't dial 911
or anything like that?

I've got everything I need right here
in this room.

JOHN:
All right!

- I'm just gonna pull down the shades.
SUSAN: Wait, wait!

What the hell is this?

How much did you spend on these?

Oh, Johnny,
can't we talk about that later?

Hey, why don't you turn off the light.

It's too dark.

I wanna see you.

Whatever you want, baby.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

I am gonna make love to you all night.

Oh, but first, I have a surprise for you.

I wrote a poem for you
while I was in prison.

I am a garden, dry and brown

You are the rain that tumbles down

Susan

I am a beggar who needs to eat

You are a sandwich thick with meat,
Susan

[ALARM RINGING]

Oh, my God!

I knew you had something planned.
You set the building on fire!

No, I didn't. I swear!

- Come on, let's get out of here!
- But the firemen, they're on their way!

JOHN:
Come on!