Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 11 - Three Days of the Condo - full transcript

Frasier runs for condo board president, against the tyrannical Ms. Langer. Niles lends his apartment to Martin for a romantic evening with Sherry, but inadvertently walks in on the two of them in flagrante.

Well, I'm off to get
our lunch. Any special requests?

- No, anything you pick up will be fine.
- Okay, then. Back in a bit.

She is such a doll.

You are such a doll.

- I thought she'd never leave.
- I know.

- It's nice to have time alone finally.
- Come here, you.

Hey, you, get your own!

No, go on.
Now, get away. Come on.

- Hey, come with me. Come on, Eddie.
- Go on. Go on.

There you go.

Seat's already up for you.
It's happy hour.



Bye.

- Now, where were we?
- Oh, come here, you little devil, you.

Look who was just coming home

with take-out
from the gourmet shop.

- Oh, isn't that lucky?
- Hey, boys.

My, don't you look handsome
in your best bib and tucker.

Come on and give Aunt Sherry
a great big kiss.

Or perhaps just a friendly wave
from across the room.

Niles, you are so shy.

Thank God your big brother isn't.
Come on, Fras, plant one on me.

There you are.

Has Eddie been licking you?

- Yes.
- Yes, I thought your perfume had

a hint of Snausage in it.



So you two have been shopping.

Well, "antique-ing" actually.

I just found the most exquisite
Japanese doorknocker.

It's said to bring peace and tranquility
to any home it adorns.

I haven't seen any decent
Oriental knockers

since Empress Chow's
Shanghai Revue.

Isn't she great?
She's as funny as she is classy.

No argument there.

Oh, by the way, if you want someone
to install that for you,

I can put you in touch
with my ex-houseman, Ghi.

- Ghi?
- No, Ghi.

- Ghi?
- No, no. Back of the throat. Ghi.

Oh, what's the difference?

I'm not so helpless that I cannot install
a simple doorknocker on my own.

You might want to use the screwdriver.

That's exactly what I was about to get.

It's in the tool drawer.

The drawer under
that big tea server thing.

Dad, that is a Byelorussian samovar.

By God, how long have you lived here?

Here we are. Lunch is ready.

Actually, I just remembered, I've got an
errand I gotta run before I get to work.

Goodbye, Niles. Don't worry,
I'm not gonna kiss you.

I know it embarrasses you.

Wait, come here.

You got some schmutz on your cheek.

My mistake, it's a mole.

You might wanna have that checked.

Oh, I think now I'll just play it safe
and have it removed.

Oh, Daphne, apparently this morning
when you were dusting, you forgot--

This objet does not face front,
but rather, askew.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Dr. Crane.

I should never have tried to do it
without that diagram you drew me.

Frasier,
now that I know you like antiques,

I've got a little present at home
for you.

It's a lamp shaped like
two frogs kissing.

And when you turn it on,
their hearts glow.

When would you like me to bring it by?

Preferably when I'm here.

I'll bring it with me tomorrow. Bye-bye.

Daphne, would you bring me
that hammer?

I thought you just needed
a screwdriver.

Well, I do. I just wanna be prepared
when that froggy lamp gets here.

- See you later, honey. I'll call you.
- Okay, bye.

- Oh, hi there, Mrs. Langer.
- Ms.

Oh, right, Mis...

...erable old cow.

- Tonight's your opera night, isn't it?
- Yes. Why?

Well, I was wondering. I'd love to cook
a nice romantic dinner for Sherry,

but I can't do it at her place
because I'm allergic to her cats,

and there's just no privacy
around here.

Say no more, Dad.
My bachelor pad is the perfect place

to entertain a young lady.
Just remember:

Always use coasters,
no snacking in the carpeted areas,

and close the art books after viewing
so you don't crease the spine.

I believe they have the same rules
at the Playboy Mansion.

Well, there we are.

That's that, huh? That's not so hard.

Tomorrow, I may just have to tackle
that leaky sink in the powder room.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I thought that was a joke.

The inaugural knock.

Oh, what's this?

"Your unauthorized doorknocker
violates the condo by-laws

regarding hallway decoration.

Remove it immediately."

That's one of Mrs. Langer's
"no-no" slips.

I can't stand that woman.

Just because she's president
of the condo board,

she acts like this
building's her kingdom.

Everything has to be done exactly
the way she likes it.

Yes, well, Daphne, no one hates
a bossy fuss-budget more than I do,

but, Daphne--
Askew, askew! Don't you see?

But rules are there for a reason.

I was obviously at fault for not getting
approval before I hung it up there.

I did notice a sign in the lobby about

some condo board meeting tonight
if you want to present your case.

Perfect. We live in a democratic
system, and I will work within it.

I'm sure I can persuade them
with my charm and eloquence.

I don't know.
Those people can be very difficult.

Pish-tosh. It's not as though
I'll be addressing the Supreme Court.

I'll simply be talking to the board.

Well, they will be by the time
he gets through.

After careful consideration
of the bids from a number of gardeners,

we have decided to go
with Jordan Landscaping.

Excuse me.

I'm not too late, am I?
I was hoping to make a statement.

Me too. No, they'll be getting
to new business shortly.

Good, good. I have a matter
of some import to discuss.

Well, then you should go before me.

Oh, thank you. Why are you here?

To ask them to make the ramp
out front less steep

so I don't keep rolling into traffic.

How about you?

Oh, well...

Perhaps you should go first.

Is that Frasier Crane
talking while I'm talking?

Well, yes. I'm sorry, Ms. Langer.

I was just inquiring as to whether I was
too late to raise some new business.

Well, we were just about to get to that.

Why don't you go ahead?

I'll be quick.

Earlier today, I installed a doorknocker
without your permission.

Now, I'd like to say
in my defense

that my overeagerness
was not out of disrespect

but enthusiasm for an object which,
I'm sure you will agree,

is really quite beautiful.

I understand the rule exists
to prohibit people

from putting eyesores
in public places,

but I ask you, should it apply
to something as beautiful as this?

Here, if you will. Please.

Something, which serves only
to elevate our spirits.

Let's just say that someone passes
by my door, sees the knocker,

and suddenly feels just a little bit
better, without even knowing why.

That same person passes a perfect
stranger and smiles,

who in turn reaches down, picks up,
perhaps, a piece of trash,

plants a garden,
volunteers at a soup kitchen.

Like little ripples on a still pond,
the happiness spreads.

So, what I'm asking you to do is think
of this not simply as an ornament,

but rather an opportunity.

Dare I say it, knocking on a door
of a new, more civilized world.

Thank you.

- Allow us just a moment.
- Of course.

Request denied.

You must remove the knocker
within 24 hours,

despite the consequences
to world peace.

Yes, well, I appreciate your--

Are you still talking?

- Your request is denied! Sit down!
- But there's been no discussion.

It hasn't even been opened up
to the floor.

I will entertain suggestions
from the floor

if anyone has any idea how
to shut this man up!

I came down here expecting a fair
hearing in the democratic tradition.

But I see now that you are a tyrant,

concerned more with the exercise
of power than with justice.

Well, fine, I will leave now,

taking solace in the certain knowledge
that, in time, you, Ms. Langer,

will join all tyrants on the ash heap
of history!

I'm not here.

Pardon me.

Oh, dear. I'll just get those later.

Dr. Crane.

- Yes. Who's there?
- A friend.

Keep your distance.

- Well, why can't I see you?
- That's not important right now.

What's important is that you were
not afraid to go up against...

...Ms. Langer last night.

- Without much success.
- More than you know.

Most people in the building
are afraid of her.

There is a group of us
who fight her, though,

a small, but determined
band of resisters.

You know the new doormat
by the service elevator?

We did that.

It's very nice.

We would like you to be our candidate

and go up against her
in the upcoming elections.

I'm flattered, but I have a great
many demands--

You are our only chance, Dr. Crane.

And she must be defeated.
She is evil.

Nichols, in 1704, was two days late
with his condo fee,

and she lowered the water pressure
in his shower.

Eventually, he died.

From bad water pressure?

No, I think it was a hunting accident.

But he spent his last months
on this earth

unable to get all the conditioner
out of his hair.

Only you possess the charisma
and courage to defeat her.

Well, that may be, but--

I am not asking you
to decide right now.

I just want you to say
you'll think about it.

All right.

But why can't I see who you are?

Because I'm remodeling
my bathroom.

If she found out I was talking to you,
she would never approve my bidet.

Just think of me as "Mr. X."

That would work better without
the vanity plates, Dr. Dorfman.

- Frasier, wait.
- Oh, hello, Niles.

The most extraordinary thing
happened to me in the garage.

- Excuse me. Is Dad home now?
- Yes, as far as I know.

- Oh, I was afraid of that.
- Why? Is something wrong?

Well, last night I invited Dad
to use my apartment

for a quiet, romantic dinner with Sherry
while I attended La Traviata.

Well, the production
was just dreadful.

In "Ah, fors'è lui" the soprano
couldn't hit the E flat above high C.

So I got so fed up, I stormed out,
drove home, entered my apartment,

and when I saw what Dad and Sherry
were doing there, I hit the note myself.

- You mean they were...?
- They were.

What did you do?

Pulled up a chaise longue
and took out my opera glasses.

What do you think I did?

I slammed the door and ran away.

I've never been so embarrassed.
I don't think I can face him now.

You simply have
to diffuse the entire subject...

...with a simple adult conversation.

I don't wanna recreate what happened
to Maris and me

after the cabin incident, when I walked
in on her taking a shower.

Oh, God. Months of avoidance
and awkwardness.

Excuse me.

You saw my Maris completely naked?

Don't fret. It was nothing more
than a fleeting glance

in a very steamy bathroom.

More like glimpsing
a bird sapling through a thick fog.

Life is so unfair.

You get a vision of my Maris,
I get a big eyeful of Dad.

Well, I'd say we hit about the same
level on the "yikes" meter.

Oh, Roz, you're here.

Is that your apology
for making me work on Saturday

- and then getting here late?
- I was detained.

Roz, the most extraordinary thing
happened. I was in the parking garage.

Suddenly, I was blinded
by a set of headlights.

A mysterious man crept from
the shadows

and told me that I should run
for condo board president.

You've been at your wine club,
haven't you?

No. This really happened.

Surely, you're not actually thinking
of running.

You've never held an elected office
in your life.

You're forgetting? I served two terms
back in high school

as Grand Panjandrum
of the Vocabulary Club.

Listen, Frasier,
this job is a nightmare.

Trust me, I know. Like, if somebody
wants a garbage disposal,

they'll bug you day and night.

They'll leave kitchen scraps in your
mailbox until they get what they want.

You've served on a condo board?

No, but I have
a brand-new garbage disposal.

- Hello, all.
- Daphne.

- Let me help you with those.
- Oh, thanks.

I've had to lug these things five blocks.

This morning, Mrs. Langer gave me
one of those "no-no" slips

for parking in the same vacant space
I've been using for years.

Oh, I'm sorry, Daphne.
I'm afraid this is my fault.

Ms. Langer is simply retaliating
against me.

You see, last night, I rather humiliated
her in a dazzling display of rhetoric.

I heard you spilled your briefcase
all over the floor.

This building has a grapevine
Ernest and Julio Gallo would envy!

Well, you know, perhaps I should run
against Ms. Langer.

God knows she's ripe
for a good comeuppance.

I know exactly what you mean,
Dr. Crane.

I was standing behind her in
the elevator the other day,

looking at the back of her head,
and I thought:

"You know, several stout whacks
with a tire iron

and this building will be
a much happier place."

I'll just get these bags
off to the kitchen.

Frasier, this Langer woman sounds
if she wields considerable power.

What if you run against her
and lose?

I'm with Niles.
Let somebody else do it.

What an appalling expression
of apathy!

What kind of a world would this be
if everyone thought that way?

Everyone does think that way.

And look at the kind
of world it is! Corruption in high places.

An electorate unconcerned
with real issues

because they're too consumed
with their own pleasures.

- Is this éclair spoken for?
- It's mine. Put it back!

Roz, don't you see? For it is
if you're not willing to get involved,

then you have no right to grumble
when things don't go your way.

Look at this. I got two slips for not
taking Eddie on the freight elevator.

It's ridiculous.

Everybody uses the main elevator.

Mrs. Tornquist has her dog, Fluffy,
in there all the time.

Well, that's it.

I am running
for condo board president.

A time comes in every man's life
when he must

meet face to face
a challenge,

rather than skitter away
like a coward.

Well, I'm proud of you, son.
That's the way a Crane talks.

Oh, Dad, nice seeing you.
I mean, not--

Okay, Eddie. Now.

Good boy, Eddie.
Now, go make dinner.

It's just a little joke Eddie and I
have been working on.

It's too bad. It explained so much.

- What is this, another one?
- Oh, yes.

Seems your father got it last night.

I guess he's just refusing to take Eddie
in the freight elevator.

Of course, all that'll be different
once you're elected.

We don't wanna jinx it. But I must say,
I think my chances are good

after this missive I found
this morning on my windshield.

It's from the resistance.

"Dear Dr. Crane. We have polled
the building, the election is yours.

Good work." Signed, "Anonymous."

Wouldn't this be more anonymous
if it didn't say:

"From the desk
of Dr. William M. Dorfman"?

Yes. Well, now you see
why they need me.

My comfortable lead aside,

I still wish I had a punchier opening
for the speech I wrote.

Well, I'm running out of time.

Unless...

Yes.

I think Ms. Langer
may have given me

the very ammunition I need
for my opening salvo.

We'll just see how the voters feel
about a woman

who tries to persecute a disabled
ex-policeman and his loyal little dog.

It'll be nice to live
where people can hang

whatever they damn well please
on their door.

Of course.
Well, pending my approval.

- Is he gone?
- Yes.

- You're not avoiding him, are you?
- Well, yeah, kind of.

I mean, it's pretty embarrassing about
getting caught last night in that hot tub.

The whole building's
talking about it.

- What happened?
- You haven't heard?

No.

- Well, never mind.
- No, no, no. What?

Well, after dinner last night,
my hip was getting kind of stiff,

so I went down to the hot tub.

You know how it is when you kick
on the jets and your trunks fill up

- like a hot-air balloon.
- No, but go on.

Well, nobody's around,
so I just slipped out of them

and tossed them on the deck.

- You mean, you were--?
- Yeah, just floating free.

So I'm just sitting there,
minding my own business

and letting the bubbles
do their work,

and suddenly,
old lady Langer shows up.

She sees my trunks and writes me
out a "no-no" slip right there and then.

You mean the "no-no" slip was
for being naked in the hot tub?

Yeah.

I told Dr. Crane it was because you
took Eddie in the elevator.

Oh, dear. I've got to get down

- to that condo meeting.
- Why?

I don't know what's going on
down there,

but suddenly I have
a very queasy feeling.

Just what Ms. Langer said
when she tossed me my trunks.

And so you can vote for me,

a person who has worked
this past year

to keep
this building running smoothly,

or you can turn the building over
to a man

who can scarcely keep
his own family under control.

Thank you.

Fellow condo owners,

I am sorry my opponent has chosen
to be vindictive about my family,

but that is merely characteristic
of her behavior

during her entire term in office.

How else would one explain this?

This citation my father
received last night

is a perfect example of the pettiness
of which this woman is capable.

We're all aware of your father's
behavior last night.

I'm surprised you're not
too ashamed to bring it up.

Ashamed? Not at all.

I defend his behavior!

So he had his little friend out
where he shouldn't be.

So what?
He's been doing it for years.

You approve of his behavior?

Approve? I applaud it.

Have you no compassion?

My father is getting older.

He hasn't many pleasures left in life.

I can't tell you the hours of joy

that that little guy has brought him.

And not just him.

Who among us can't help but break
into a smile upon seeing the little fella?

Oh, I know, you know,
sometimes it is irksome

when his little Eddie appears
at inopportune moments--

He's named it "Eddie"?

Not exactly a name
that I might have chosen.

I might have gone
with something a bit more,

I don't know, whimsical, like--
Oh, "Puck."

You know, the frolicsome sprite

from Shakespeare's
Midsummer Night's Dream.

Oh, don't look so shocked.

Whom does it really harm
if he unleashes Eddie once in a while?

It's not as though he's alone
in such behavior.

Mrs. Tornquist, I've seen you do
the same thing with your Fluffy.

You know, if you ask me, not only is
his behavior harmless, it's laudable.

Why, you should see the looks
on the faces of the school children

when he takes Eddie out
by the playground.

What, what, what?

On the other hand,

we all need rules.

Go, go, go!

Sorry about the knocker.