Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 8 - Our Father Whose Art Ain't Heaven - full transcript

Look, we had an agreement.

We went to a movie I wanted to see,
so I was supposed to pay for the ticket.

Very well, Dad. The next time we go
to a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie,

not only may you pay for the tickets,

but also for the wild horses
it will take to drag me there.

Well, I'm only mad because
we had an agreement.

Now, a man's supposed to honour
his agreements.

Didn't you learn anything
from that movie?

Only that bullets are useless
against a man

who can kick really high.

Now, look, I'm serious about this.
Once in a while, I'd like to pay.



- Okay.
- MARTIN: Okay.

So the next time we go anywhere,
it's on me. Have I made my point?

Yes, Dad, with all the subtlety
that Mr Van Damme displayed

when he jet-packed into the Vatican to
subdue that nasty old pope impostor.

Like you saw that coming.

Well, Maris has finally deigned
to call me back,

after I've left no fewer than
20 messages.

Honestly, Niles, by calling her so many
times, you give her all the power.

You're much better off coming
from a position of strength.

Don't pour that sherry on your shirt.
It will stain.

- What?
- I'm sorry.

I thought this was
the portion of the afternoon

where we gave each
other patently obvious advice.

I had to call Maris for that party I'm
throwing for my country club friends.



Oh, yes, the one I wasn't invited to
but my Waterford punchbowl was.

Yes, well, Maris has chosen the same
night to throw a party of her own.

- Couldn't you ask her to postpone?
- I tried.

She's already flown in a sculptor from
Sweden to capture her likeness in ice.

Ah, the perfect marriage
of subject and medium.

Well, you can see my problem.

We're going to be competing now
for which friends go to which party.

You know, Niles, for a separated
couple still hoping to reconcile,

I'm afraid you're going down
a path that...

You shouldn't wear that tie
with that jacket.

Oh, is that your clever way of telling
me I'm dispensing unwanted criticism?

That too.

- Hello, boys.
- Hello, Daphne.

Oh, Dr Crane. Will you be
joining us for dinner?

- What a nice invitation. I'd love to.
- Well, then, you're in for a treat.

I've decided to make Grammy Moon's
famous sheep's head stew.

Oh, don't worry,
the name's a bit misleading.

It's actually more of a soup.

You actually use a real sheep's head?

- Oh, you have to. It's right in here.
- Oh, my God! I just remembered,

we have reservations
at Le Cigare Volant!

- Oh, my God, you're right!
- Gee, is that tonight? I nearly forgot.

- You're going too, Mr Crane?
- Well, I promised the boys.

I don't suppose there's any way
you guys would let me out of this.

- Well...
- You promised.

MARTIN:
See, I tried.

Well, have fun.
I'm off to stick my head in the oven.

[LAUGHTER]

Hello? Marshall?

Yeah, I got rid of them.

You bring some wine,
and I'll throw the steaks on.

[RESTAURANT CHATTER]

Oh, dear Lord, it's rather busy.
Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.

- Francois!
- Dr Crane, bonsoir!

Bonsoir.

- Bonsoir.
- Bonsoir.

This is our father, Martin Crane.

- Monsieur Crane!
- How you doing?

Enchante.

Francois, I'm afraid we're
at your mercy tonight.

You see, we have no reservations.

- Dr Crane, I will see what I can do.
- Thank you.

Anything would be just fine.
Thank you.

You know, come to think of it,

we haven't been here since Chef
Joachim had his pinkie grafted back on.

Oh, then this is your first time
seeing our new artwork.

He's my own discovery.

His name is Cordoba.

- Exquisite!
- Stunning!

My God, I don't think I've ever seen
such fearless use of colour.

You know, as usual, your taste
is as fine as your cuisine. Any luck?

For you, yes. For Dr Dubin,
who brings his own wine, no.

- Good man!
- Monsieur, follow me, please.

- Merci bien.
- Your table is ready.

- Thank you.
- You guys go ahead.

I gotta make a little visit to "le can."

- That's our father.
- Doctor.

- Le menu.
- Merci.

- I will be back with the wine list.
- Lovely.

Wine list?

My God, he ought
to bring us blindfolds.

I mean, what is he thinking
with this artwork?

It's appalling.

Who was it that said,
"Art in restaurants

is on the same level with food
in museums"?

The little white lies one will tell
for a good table, huh?

Of course, I would compliment
a black velvet Elvis right now

if Chef Joachim's lobster comfit
were at stake.

Frasier, that's Winship Cook.

She's one of the guests Maris and I
are competing over.

I'm going to go woo her.

Oh, really, Niles, why don't you
just reschedule your party?

I don't want to give her the satisfaction.
She's pushed me around long enough.

- All right.
- Metaphorically.

In reality, she can hardly push at all.

Hence, that terrible afternoon
last spring she spent trapped

in the revolving door at Bergdorf's.

I hope there's something on there you
like because dinner's on me tonight.

- What do you mean, Dad?
- We had an agreement.

- Next time we went out, it's my treat.
- Well, Dad, when I said that...

- Hup, We're not discussing it.
- Yes, but Dad, it's rather pricey.

- Hup, you promised.
- Well, l... I just don't...

- Hup!
- All right. All right. You treat.

Thank you.
Now, don't worry about it.

Just order whatever you want.

Is this per person?

The wine list, uh, doctor.

Thank you. Thank you, Francois,
but, you know what,

we won't be having any wine tonight.

And I'm going out for
a Big Mac after work.

No, I'm really being quite serious.

You see, my brother and I are
watching our caloric intake tonight.

We'll be eating light.

As you wish, doctor.

I know what you're doing.
I'm not stupid.

- What are you talking about?
- Eating light?

All the way here you had the look
that Eddie gets

when he hears a can-opener.

Look, Dad, it's just that I'm not
that comfortable ordering

an expensive meal
when you're paying.

What's the big deal?
You take me to places like this.

I can afford it!

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that the way
it sounded.

- I know how you feel.
- No, you don't.

You're always paying,
and I'm never allowed to pay.

Well, it feels pretty lousy.

- Go ahead, Mr Big Shot, you pay.
- Dad...

Well, the good news is Winship
has agreed to come to my party.

Bad news is I left my wallet at home,
so, Frasier, I'm afraid this is on you.

- Actually, tonight's dinner is on Dad.
- No, you ruined it. I'm not paying.

- Well, I'm not paying!
- Well, I can't pay.

So that would be three
Happy Meals to go?

No, he never suspected a thing.

Yes, I had a great time too.

Oh, go on, Marshall, say it again.

Now say it how you said it last night,
like Donald Duck.

Well, I guess it was the wine
that made it funny.

They're back.
Yeah, I'll see you tonight.

Bye.

- Hello.
- FRASIER: Oh, hello, Daphne.

Will you be favouring us with
any English delicacies?

Well, as a matter of fact, yes.

The butcher had some lovely calf
stomachs, so I'll try my hand at haggis.

Even Hannibal Lecter couldn't keep
that woman's cooking down.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Ah, Winship, so looking forward
to seeing you at the party.

Oh, how dreadful.

Oh, you poor thing.

No, no, of course I understand.

The important thing is
that you get better.

And you are a dear for calling.

You lying, two-faced cow!

- So she's not really sick?
- Oh, hardly.

Maris is luring away
all my confirmed guests.

Suddenly there are accidents,
deaths in the family,

a wave of misfortune is sweeping
through society's bluebloods

at a rate unprecedented
since the French Revolution.

Oh, great, you're back! Hey, listen,

about last night at the restaurant,
I'm really sorry.

Oh, no, Dad, look, it was my fault.
I should've been more gracious.

No, no, it was my fault.
I was the one who overreacted.

You know, I just really wanted
to do something nice for you.

You know, the older you get,
the harder it is to do stuff for your kids.

I understand. I tell you what,

the next three dinners,
they're on you.

No, no, no. I found something better
than that.

I finally found something I know
you're gonna like. Now, just a minute.

Oh, this is gonna be so great!

My God, I haven't seen him
this excited

since he got that
four-in-one remote control.

It's a Cordoba.

Ole!

You guys were raving about
these paintings last night,

so I went to the restaurant
to find out where they got theirs.

And lucky me, the ones they had
were for sale!

Oh, Dad, this is awfully...

...awfully...
- Expensive.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, but it's worth it.

You know, you don't know
how good this makes me feel.

After I'm gone, this'll still be here.

Hey, Daph, come here!
Take a look at this.

Well, I'm very impressed, Mr Crane.

When did you have the time
to do that?

Oh, sure, like I could paint
something like this.

You know, I was thinking maybe
we could put it over the fireplace.

Yes, yes, the fireplace.
That's the first place I thought of too.

MAN: And lately I've had the chronic
fluctuating mood disturbances

that would indicate
cyclothymic disorder.

I mean, the hypomanic symptoms
are there,

yet I've experienced moments
of aphasia and apraxia.

And I just wanna pull my teeth out,
Dr Crane. What do you think?

Well, Greg, two possible diagnoses
come to mind:

Either you are seriously mentally ill

and you should be institutionalized
immediately,

or you are a first-year
psychology student.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm at UW.

Yes, it's not uncommon
for students to feel that

they're manifesting symptoms
that they are studying.

It'll pass.

- What'll I do till it passes?
- Oh, just relax.

Well, it might be a good idea
to postpone reading about

male sexual disorder
until after spring break.

That's all the time we have.
This is Dr Frasier Crane, KACL-780.

- Good show.
- Well, thanks, Roz.

Say, Roz,

if you're not busy, would you like
to get a drink or something?

You know, maybe see a movie?

You pick, I'll pay.

You can stay out as late as you want,
but eventually you have to go home,

and that painting will still be there.

- You have to tell him.
- I can't, Roz.

You didn't see the look on his face
when he gave it to me.

Frasier, have I ever told you about
my ceramic hippo collection?

- Oh, yes. Many times.
- The hell I have. Shut up and listen.

One Christmas my grandma
sent me a ceramic hippo.

Roz, a hippo cannot possibly
be as repellent

as a rabid matador killing
an epileptic bull.

Was the bull wearing a porkpie hat
and fishing off a dock?

- Continue.
- Okay.

I made the mistake of telling her
how much I loved it.

Well, that just opened the floodgates.

I got ice-skating hippos
and hula-hooping hippos.

Thank God for that earthquake!

Oh, you mean, you mean they broke?

Well, I assume they did when they hit
the bottom of the garbage chute.

But I blamed it on the earthquake.

The point is you need to talk to your
father now and be honest with him.

Or you'll be stuck with it
till the next natural disaster.

Hell, you're right, Roz.

I guess I'll just have to tell him
this afternoon.

Good.

Oh, Roz, that crystal vase I gave you
three years ago for Christmas,

you said that was broken
in the earthquake.

Oh, no, no, no, that really was.
I was very disappointed.

As disappointed as you were

when Eddie chewed up that sweater
I gave you for Christmas.

- This year, liquor?
- Deal.

- Oh, hi, Dad.
- Hey, Fras.

You know, I was just down
in the storage room

putting away some boxes.

Guess what I came across.

That... That smoking jacket I gave you
for Christmas last year.

- The shiny one?
- Not shiny, Dad, silk.

I really... I really missed the boat
on that one, didn't I?

You know, it's just, buying things
for other people,

- it's so hard sometimes, isn't it?
- Yeah.

Hey, you want some pastrami?
There's some more in the fridge.

No, thanks, Dad.
I don't really care for pastrami.

Isn't that funny, you know,
you can love something so much,

and I would find it distasteful.

- People have different tastes.
- Yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Well, that's one way of looking at it.
Some people like pastrami, like me,

other people don't. They're nuts.

- Afternoon.
- Hey, Niles.

- Hi, Niles.
- Dad, Frasier,

I'm here to pick up the punchbowl
for my party.

Although at this point,
a soup bowl might suffice.

Thanks to Maris, I'm down to three
confirmed guests.

Three? Yesterday it was 12, wasn't it?

She's circulating a vicious rumour that
I'm going to have a karaoke machine.

You know, this vindictive behaviour
of Maris' is completely out of line.

If you don't want her
to continue with it, you should

call her on the phone
and confront her.

You're absolutely right.

It's time I took the bull by the horns.

Sorry.

Maris? Niles.

You may feel you've triumphed,

but all you've done is shown yourself
to be petty and uncivil.

Frankly, the only people
lower than you

are the fickle paramecia that deserted
my party to attend yours.

Uh-huh.

Oh, I see. Very well. Yes.

I'll see you at 8.
Can I bring anything?

Thank God
for the starch in that shirt,

or there'd be nothing
holding you upright.

Hey, Niles. Here.

- Well, what's that?
- It's a wine rack.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I felt kind of bad about giving Frasier
something and nothing for you,

so I saw it at Price Busters.

Well, thank you for
the thought, Dad,

but it doesn't really fit in
with the decor of my apartment.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, no harm done.
I'll take it back.

- Anybody want a beer?
- No, thanks.

No, thanks, Dad.

Frasier, I no longer require
your punchbowl,

but may I borrow your blow dryer?

Of course. Why?

Sven finished Maris' ice sculpture, and
she's convinced she looks a bit hippy.

Dad?

Are you sure Niles didn't
just hurt your feelings now?

No. I'm glad he told me. I don't wanna
give him something he doesn't like.

That's very wise.

You know, it's important for fathers
and sons to be honest with each other.

It shows respect.

You know, I've been thinking, Dad,
about the painting.

You know, art,
it's such a personal thing.

What one person may like,
another may not.

It doesn't mean that one is right
and the other is wrong.

You telling me
you don't like the painting?

Well, it's not that I don't like it,
it's just I don't love it.

It's not me.

Not a problem. You don't like it,
I'll take it back.

Oh, thank God, Dad, thank you.
That's such a relief.

You know, I was up half the night
worried about it, and I just...

Dad, are you all right?

Well, I didn't upset you, did I?

My God, Dad, are you crying?

No, no.

Yes, you are! Yes, you are!
I just saw you wipe your eyes.

No, I didn't. I just...
Quit looking at me!

Dad!

Oh, my God!

- I've made my father cry.
- Now, don't you start!

Oh, God, I'm only crying
because you're crying.

I'm not crying!
I don't know what this is.

I didn't even cry when I got shot.

I didn't cry when you got shot, either.

I'm getting rid of that damn
painting right now.

I just wish I knew why you told
the waiter you loved it so much.

- I was lying to him!
- Oh, you can lie to him,

- but you can't lie to me?!
- Please, please stop crying.

- I wanna keep it now.
- No, it's no good.

No, no, it is good. It's very good.
I love it!

Well, I found that...

Dad, are you crying?

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Frasier, what happened?

Oh, my God, you're crying too.

Why is everybody crying?

You know how I get when other
people cry. Tell me what happened.

I made our father cry.

I'm not crying!

Well, I am!

- I'm the most ungrateful son there is.
- I can never do anything for my sons.

No one wants to come to my party!

[WATER RUNNING]

Dad?

Frasier.

Don't you think we ought to talk about
what happened?

Nothing happened this afternoon.

Look, Dad,

I know you're disappointed
about the painting.

It's not a problem.

Well, look, you said yourself
that it wasn't as easy for you

to give me things as it was
when I was a kid.

I wasn't very good at it then either.

Your mother always picked
all your stuff out.

Still, you did put a roof over my head,
sent me to school...

All right, all right.
You wanna talk about this?

We'll talk about it.

Do people come to you
after they've met me and say,

"How can that guy be your father,
he's nothing like you"?

Well...

Because they've been saying that
to me about you for the last 40 years.

I just thought,

I don't know,

that I'd finally given you something,

something you liked,
something we both liked.

Like we had something
in common or something.

It's no big deal. I'm tired.
I'm going to bed.

Dad, Dad, just hang on a second,
will you?

Do you remember a time when I was,

oh, 6 or 7 years old?
You were getting ready for work,

and you were getting dressed,
and I was playing with your badge?

And you sat me down and you said
that it was not a toy.

That it was a symbol of something
very important...

...of integrity and honesty
and helping people.

Well, from then on, every time I'd see
you put on that badge, I would,

I would think of that.

I said it so you'd stop playing with
the thing. You were getting it all sticky.

Yeah, well,

be that as it may.

I've tried to live up to your example,

and help other people.

I've tried as a psychiatrist

to conduct myself with the integrity
that you showed as a police officer.

And when I find myself in a quandary
as to the proper course of action,

I think of you wearing that badge,

and then I know what I have to do.

You gave me that.

Yeah?

Yeah, Dad.

Thanks.

You know,

I think I may have something else
to give you, something that

I know you'll really like.

MARTIN:
I'll be back in a minute.

I've been holding on to this
for quite a while now,

waiting for the right time.

Oh, my goodness, Dad.

I'm speechless.

It's your ba...

Bolo tie!

They gave it to your grandfather
when he retired from the force.

When I graduated from the academy,
he gave it to me,

and now I'm giving it to you,
and someday you'll give it to Frederick.

Well, I don't know what to say.

- You're not gonna start crying again.
- No, no, no.

It's just a surprise, that's all.

Hey, wait a minute.

You didn't think I was gonna give you
my badge, did you?

- Well, l...
- My badge?!

That's a laugh! You'll have to pry that
out of my cold, dead hands!

It's a date!