Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 13 - Four for the Seesaw - full transcript
Frasier and Niles share a table at a busy Cafe Nervosa with two women, Beth Armstrong and Laura Paris. The women are kitchen designers which the Crane boys find just fascinating. It leads to them going out on a double date and when Martin is unable to use a mountain cabin he's rented for the weekend, the four of them decide to go. The men fret over the sleeping arrangements to the point that neurotic Niles can't do anything until he gets the okay from Maris. It all drives Frasier crazy and ruins the weekend.
Well, listeners,
flu season is upon us again.
As is customary, KACL
is offering its employees
and their families
free flu shots.
Now, in order to
show the importance
of getting a flu shot,
I am going to put aside
my lifelong fear of needles
and be inoculated
right here over the air
when we come back.
I've been sitting out
here half an hour.
I got places to go.
Well, Dr. Claman
is on his way, Dad.
Frasier, are you really
afraid of needles?
Oh, not really.
No, I just say that
to encourage
people that really are.
Well, they can use the help.
You know, those needles
they use are about this long,
and if it hits a nerve
when it's going...
Stop it, Roz.
These shots are
perfectly harmless.
You got nothing to worry about.
Oh, sure, you hear
the occasional story
about someone getting
an air bubble in their vein
or the needle getting stuck
in a bone and the
tip breaking off,
but that's the exception.
Oh, that's it...
We're out of here.
But what about my flu shot?
I always get a flu shot.
Well, you're not
getting a flu shot today.
You told me you'd
drop me off at McGinty's.
I told Duke I'd meet
him at 5:00 sharp
and he pouts if I'm
not there on time...
Sits with his
bottom lip stuck out
and eats all the Brazil nuts
out of the bowl 'cause
he knows I like them.
So come on. Let's go.
It's nice to know
that men in bars
still settle their disputes
the old-fashioned way.
Uh, Dr. Crane?
Oh, Dr. Claman. Sorry I'm late.
My last patient was a bleeder.
Oh.
15 seconds.
Where are
my manners?
Perhaps... perhaps you
should get inoculated first.
Oh, I already had my shot...
but I could sure use a checkup.
You're on.
Oh, right.
Um... all right,
folks, we're back.
Um, joining us for this
last minute of our show
is Dr. Morris Claman
who's going to give
me my... my flu shot,
but, you know, what's the rush?
Perhaps we'd be
interested in finding out
um, what strains of flu
you've isolated this year.
Primarily, Singapore,
Rangoon and Malayan.
Would you roll up
your sleeve, please?
And, uh, how do you
suppose they traveled here?
No idea. Roll up your sleeve.
Could it have been
a careless tourist?
A... a baggage handler?
A tainted wok?
Dr. Crane, we're
almost out of time.
You do want that
shot, don't you?
Yes, yes.
All right, first, I'm just going to
swab the area with a little alcohol,
and then I'm going
to give you the shot.
There. That's done.
Really?
Well, that didn't hurt at all.
This is the newly immunized
Dr. Frasier Crane signing off.
No, no, no. That
was just the alcohol.
This is the needle.
Ah.
Well, you're late.
All the tables are taken.
No. Uh-uh. There's
one right there.
Dibs on that table.
Roz, Niles was here first.
No, but I'm meeting someone.
Please, guys?
Oh, who is it...
Another one of your
till-dawn-do-us-part
relationships?
No, twerp.
This is a guy who I
think really has a chance.
I can sense a lot of
chemistry between us.
Morris. Hi.
Oh, dear God!
When did you two
even get out of my sight?
You blacked out for 30 seconds
after he gave you the shot.
No one's budging.
We could be here forever.
Well, Niles, I...
I suppose we...
could share a table?
There's a couple of
seats available there.
Oh, good Lord. We can't
sit with strange women.
Why not?
We married strange women.
That's funny.
Really, I'm not in the mood.
Just try to relax.
It'd do you good to do something
spontaneous for a change... come on.
Yeah, I just, I just...
I... I wouldn't
know what to say,
and besides, I'm a married man.
Oh, Niles!
Please. When will you get
rid of that tired old excuse?
Your off-again, off-again
relationship with Maris.
Come on.
Hello, ladies.
Excuse me, um...
would you mind
terribly if we joined you
until another table opens up?
Oh, please do.
Oh, thank you so much.
That's very kind.
I'm Frasier, and
um, this gentleman
dusting for fingerprints
is my brother Niles.
I'm Laura and, this is Beth.
Hello.
Nice to meet you. Laura? Niles.
Beth, Niles.
Uh, what do you two ladies do?
Uh...
You don't want to hear about it.
Well, why don't we?
It's just boring... To
the guys, anyway.
Their eyes just glaze over
when the subject comes up.
Oh, come on. Come on.
We're not your average
bozos off the street.
Why don't you try us?
We design kitchens.
On the contrary,
I am always ready
to debate the merits
of down-draft cooktops
and ceramic tile backsplashes.
Whoa! Whose little boy are you?
Yes, and just the mention
of a double-bowl,
stainless-steel sink
with integral drain boards
makes me hum like
a subzero freezer.
You know, I think
the key to a good
kitchen is comfort.
That's a whole current trend...
A living room
feel in the kitchen.
Except, of course, with
our father who favors
a kitchen feel in
the living room.
That's funny.
You're very witty.
Thank you.
Oh, look, Niles, a
table's opened up.
Oh, no, no, no, don't. Stay.
Yeah, this is fun.
Well, yes, it... it is
fun, isn't it, Niles?
Well, I told you it would be.
Why don't I go get
us some coffees?
Uh... you know, I, uh, I, uh...
I'll help.
I knew you'd panic.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is still a little
new for me, and...
besides, those two
are coming on to us.
You know, they are
very attractive, Niles.
I know.
Maybe we should ask them out?
On a date?
We just met.
Good point, Niles.
We should go out with
them few more times
before we ask them on a date.
I just mean it
seems a little rash.
Well, that's exactly
why we should do it.
We're being spontaneous
today... come on.
It'll do us some good.
I am enjoying this and, uh...
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, but wait. We're
making an assumption here.
We could both be interested
in the same woman.
Good Lord, I hadn't
thought of that.
All right, I will declare:
I'm interested in Beth.
Good, good. We really
dodged a bullet there.
Which one's Beth?
Oh, it's this one here.
Great! Great.
Well, here we are.
Oh, Frasier, what
a great apartment.
Well, it's just a
little something
I threw together.
You know, an objet
here, an antique there.
And there's the chair.
Wow. He wasn't kidding.
Oh, hi.
Dad. Dad, meet Beth Armstrong
and Laura Paris. Martin Crane.
Hi. How are you? Please,
have a seat. Sit down.
Yeah, yeah.
So, you been out on
a double date, huh?
Well, sort of.
We met this afternoon,
and the next thing we knew
your sons were taking us out
to dinner and to the Seattle rep.
Oh. What'd you see?
The Man Who Came to Dinner.
It's about a
bad-tempered invalid
that moves into
these people's house
and just drives them crazy.
Comedy?
I used to think so.
Well, Mr. Smart Aleck,
as a matter of fact,
I was about to
do a favor for you.
Hmm? Yeah, Sherry and I can't
make it to the
mountains this weekend,
and the cabin's
already paid for,
so I thought maybe
you'd like to use it.
Well, thank you, Dad, uh,
but Laura and I have
plans to go to the symphony.
Oh. How about you, Niles?
Oh, Beth and I are
attending an art opening.
Well, if you hear of anybody...
Nice meeting you, ladies.
I'm really glad the
boys brought you over,
and it's been a long time
since I said that and meant it.
Well, Dad wasn't really thrilled
with the women we married.
Yes, but fortunately
my taste has improved
a lot since then.
I think your taste is fabulous.
I'm, uh, referring to
the brandy, of course.
Mmm. Velvety
texture, great body...
I'm not.
Well...
in honor of what
happened today, a toast:
To winging it.
What greater thrill is there
than-than going down
an unknown path,
not quite sure
where it will lead...
Just enjoying the
way that path wends
and, and, uh...
what it looks like and-and...
where it goes off to, uh...
Perhaps you should have
left a trail of bread crumbs
before you started
down that toast.
You know, Frasier, I
hate to see you miss
a weekend in the country just
to take me to the symphony.
We can go next week.
Wait a minute. I have a thought.
Uh, the spirit of spontaneity
has carried us this far.
Why don't we postpone our plans
and all go to the cabin
together this weekend?
I'd love that.
Sounds like fun.
Well, then, it's settled.
Saturday morning, we
ride the high country.
Say, you two
have been here five minutes.
You haven't seen
Frasier's kitchen yet.
There's really nothing
special about it.
Well, let's let the
professionals judge that.
I am kind of curious
to take a peek.
Well, peek away.
Peek away. Yes, and, uh...
someday, when you speak
of his faux granite
countertops... and you will...
Be kind.
You are so funny.
What's going on?
Well, things are
going rather fast.
Just going out this
evening was a big step,
but something that
involves packing a suitcase?
I mean, given my
situation, I can't... I can't...
Niles,
when are you going
to stop letting Maris
be an anchor on
your social life?
Oh, surely, that is the
most tortured metaphor
you've ever come up with.
Maris, an anchor? Oh, please.
How do you know? She's
life weight, for God's sake!
Oh, would you just stop it?!
You're changing the subject.
This afternoon, for
the first time in your life,
a perfectly lovely woman,
who you don't even know,
has agreed to go away
with you on a weekend.
Isn't that exactly
the kind of scenario
you've always dreamed of?
Yes.
And if you... you pass
it up, won't you regret it?
Yes.
Well, then,
for once in your
timid, risk-free life
don't you think it's time
you grabbed for that brass ring?
It's a great kitchen, Frasier.
You guys feel like firing
up the cappuccino maker?
Yes!
Of course, if I have
that much caffeine
at this hour, it'll
probably be...
Yes!
Ah, there we are.
After you, ladies.
Oh, this place is perfect.
Oh! And don't you
just love this air?
Oh, I am going to
sleep like a baby.
Me, too.
Geez, I hope you two
don't mind roughing it.
There's no radio or television.
I guess we'll just have to
make our own entertainment.
We should be able
to manage that.
Come on, let's go
look around outside.
We'll, uh, we'll start the fire
and we'll be right out.
Yes.
Okay.
Well, Niles, I think things
are going rather
well; don't you?
Yes, they are, and thank
you for twisting my arm.
Feel like a new man, do you?
I feel like a new woman,
and thank God I
remembered to pack one.
There you are.
You know, I just
wish I were sure
that Beth and I were
on the same page.
I've forgotten how
to read all the signals.
Well, Niles, you don't
need a decoder ring
to understand the phrase
"make our own entertainment."
Then again, there was
that other statement
about sleeping like a baby.
Exactly. They could
be thinking platonic...
The two of them in one room,
sleeping like babies.
The two of us in
another, crying like babies.
Well, we're all adults.
I suppose we could just ask
them what they have in mind.
It'd be the worst
thing we could do.
What if they're not interested?
We'd all be embarrassed.
It would ruin the
entire weekend.
I know.
Their luggage will tell us.
We'll put my bag
in with your date's
Uh-huh. and your
bag in with my date's.
They'll see the mistake.
Right. The way they correct
it will tell us with whom
they're planning
to spend the night...
Each other or us, and
either way it will all look
like a simple misunderstanding.
You've done this before!
Only on my honeymoon.
Now, hurry.
Niles, this is idiotic.
We're both trained
psychiatrists.
Yes, and finally
it's paying off.
Oh, Frasier, this
place is heaven.
Why don't we
open up a bottle of wine
and watch the sunset?
You know...
the sun won't be setting
for a little while yet.
Just think how much
more we'll enjoy it
if we've got all of our
unpacking done first.
That can wait.
Um, by the way,
Beth and I were
talking, and I don't know
what you guys had
in mind for tonight,
and sorry if this
sounds kind of forward,
but we would like
to avoid an awkward,
uncomfortable situation by
getting this out in the open
right now.
When we go out
to dinner tonight,
it's on us.
Oh, well, isn't...?
That's, that's awfully
nice of you, um...
Yes.
Speaking of, um...
awkwardness, um...
Uh, you know...
Look at that sunset.
Oh...
Are you as crazed
by this as I am?
It's driving me out of my mind.
Oh, all right then.
I'm going to settle
this once and for all.
Now, just follow my lead.
Yes. That... that...
is lovely, isn't it?
Magnificent.
Mm-hmm.
Not feeling so hot, huh?
What'd the doctor say?
He says I've got...
Oh, what was that
medical term he used?
Oh, I remember... "flu."
God, I'm really sorry
I didn't let you
get that flu shot.
Is there anything at
all that I can do for you?
Well, when I was a
little girl and got sick,
Grammy Moon used
to read me to sleep.
It was a great comfort.
Oh...
is this what you're reading?
Mm-hmm.
The Rose and the Rapier?
Well, if you're
not in the mood...
you don't have to.
No, no. I'll do it.
The bookmark's where I left off.
All right.
Okay.
"With a gasp of
dismay, she ran to him
"her amethyst eyes
wide with alarm.
"'You fool, ' she hissed.
"'Suppose someone saw you?
The duke's men are everywhere.'"
This isn't so bad.
Told you.
"'You fool!' She
whispered again.
"'You sweet, brave,
wonderful fool.
I should have died had you
not found my bed chamber.'"
Oh, geez.
"Then she was in his arms
and all her qualms forgotten
"as she...
"tore his tunic asunder and...
"thrust her eager lips
"against the sinews
of his naked chest.
The next morning..."
You left out a section.
Okay. Okay.
"As his
"brazen fingers
peeled the silken fabric
"from her heaving...
Bosom..."
"he beheld her quivering,
alabaster mounds.
"At that moment,
"she felt the proof of
his rampant passion
"against her milky thighs.
His almost God-like beauty..."
"was marred only...
by the fact that he was..."
cross-eyed...
three feet tall
and had breath
like owl droppings.
Is there anything more relaxing
than just lazing by a fire
with a good glass of wine?
Nothing I know of.
You two must be relaxed,
sitting there so calmly
when there's still all
that unpacking to do.
Niles, we didn't
bring that much.
Yeah. We didn't think we'd need
too many clothes this weekend.
Well, I hate to break things up,
but I'm getting a little sleepy.
So I'm going to
get ready for bed.
Yeah, it is getting late.
You finished with that?
Oh, yes, yes.
Thanks.
Niles.
I can't take this anymore.
These women are as
inscrutable as sphinxes.
Yes! Since we got here,
all they've done is send us
the most veiled, cloaked,
cryptic messages.
Can't they just give
us one clear signal?
Well, I'm off to bed.
Niles, are you coming?
Curse these infernal riddles.
Niles!
So she really said
what I thought she said?
Yes! Go!
Suitcase, suitcase.
There you are.
Sleep well. Oh, you, too.
Niles, what are you doing?
Oh, uh... never mind.
Yes. Is Mrs. Crane there?
Yes. I'll hold.
What is that?
Some sort of weird,
kinky foreplay?
I'm...
I'm starting to feel
guilty about this.
Now?! Well, I'm sorry.
I just need to clarify the ground
rules of Maris and my separation.
Oh, fine, fine.
I think you may look
back on this one day
as your darkest hour, but
you do what you want to.
Yes. Maris, uh...
uh, it occurred to
me, uh, you know
we never laid out the rules
about our dating other people
and what we
could and couldn't...
Niles, what are you doing?
Uh, coming!
I, uh, well, you know,
h-here's the thing.
I know that we're allowed
to see other people.
Uh, my question is, uh...
how much of them
are we allowed to see?
Uh, be right with you.
I'm sorry. What?
Oh, really?
Oh, well, that's,
that's, wonderful.
That's, that's all I
needed to know.
Thank you.
Yes?
You were wrong.
Maris says she
doesn't mind at all.
Oh. Well, then...
Yeah!
Off you go.
Let the revels begin.
What?! What?!
Why doesn't Maris mind at all?
What's going on?
Uh, nothing. Just a
second. It's Niles, uh...
I-I'll be a moment.
Why do you care?
Well, because she
could have taken
a lover herself
and this is her way
of alleviating her guilt.
Okay, Niles,
so what do you want to do?
You want to stew
over that all night?
Let her have all the fun?
Well... n-no!
No. No, of course not.
Well, then...
Off you go!
Right!
Niles?
Uh, momentito.
Hello?
Yes, Maris.
Well, I see, but...
All right.
Yes?
Frasier?
I'll just be a second.
She's changed her mind.
She doesn't want me
to go through with it.
Do you realize what's
happening here?
Yes!
Your ex-wife is
ruining my sex life!
Give me that!
Oh... could I... uh, I...
What are you doing?
Well, what are you doing!?
What if she's changed
her mind again?
How am I supposed
to know what to think?
I'm going to say
this just one last time.
Oh...
This weekend... is
not about thinking.
It's about doing...
Doing something
that the Crane boys
haven't done for a
very, very long time.
For once in our miserable
sex-starved lives, can't we
do something pleasurable
without thinking it to death?!
Don't think about today,
don't think about what's right!
Don't even think of
them as Laura and Beth!
For tonight,
they are just two
live, breathing
available female
bodies who want us!
Think again.
Do you remember which
snowbank you threw my phone into?
Oh, I think I
could hit it again.
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night,
Seattle, we love you!
flu season is upon us again.
As is customary, KACL
is offering its employees
and their families
free flu shots.
Now, in order to
show the importance
of getting a flu shot,
I am going to put aside
my lifelong fear of needles
and be inoculated
right here over the air
when we come back.
I've been sitting out
here half an hour.
I got places to go.
Well, Dr. Claman
is on his way, Dad.
Frasier, are you really
afraid of needles?
Oh, not really.
No, I just say that
to encourage
people that really are.
Well, they can use the help.
You know, those needles
they use are about this long,
and if it hits a nerve
when it's going...
Stop it, Roz.
These shots are
perfectly harmless.
You got nothing to worry about.
Oh, sure, you hear
the occasional story
about someone getting
an air bubble in their vein
or the needle getting stuck
in a bone and the
tip breaking off,
but that's the exception.
Oh, that's it...
We're out of here.
But what about my flu shot?
I always get a flu shot.
Well, you're not
getting a flu shot today.
You told me you'd
drop me off at McGinty's.
I told Duke I'd meet
him at 5:00 sharp
and he pouts if I'm
not there on time...
Sits with his
bottom lip stuck out
and eats all the Brazil nuts
out of the bowl 'cause
he knows I like them.
So come on. Let's go.
It's nice to know
that men in bars
still settle their disputes
the old-fashioned way.
Uh, Dr. Crane?
Oh, Dr. Claman. Sorry I'm late.
My last patient was a bleeder.
Oh.
15 seconds.
Where are
my manners?
Perhaps... perhaps you
should get inoculated first.
Oh, I already had my shot...
but I could sure use a checkup.
You're on.
Oh, right.
Um... all right,
folks, we're back.
Um, joining us for this
last minute of our show
is Dr. Morris Claman
who's going to give
me my... my flu shot,
but, you know, what's the rush?
Perhaps we'd be
interested in finding out
um, what strains of flu
you've isolated this year.
Primarily, Singapore,
Rangoon and Malayan.
Would you roll up
your sleeve, please?
And, uh, how do you
suppose they traveled here?
No idea. Roll up your sleeve.
Could it have been
a careless tourist?
A... a baggage handler?
A tainted wok?
Dr. Crane, we're
almost out of time.
You do want that
shot, don't you?
Yes, yes.
All right, first, I'm just going to
swab the area with a little alcohol,
and then I'm going
to give you the shot.
There. That's done.
Really?
Well, that didn't hurt at all.
This is the newly immunized
Dr. Frasier Crane signing off.
No, no, no. That
was just the alcohol.
This is the needle.
Ah.
Well, you're late.
All the tables are taken.
No. Uh-uh. There's
one right there.
Dibs on that table.
Roz, Niles was here first.
No, but I'm meeting someone.
Please, guys?
Oh, who is it...
Another one of your
till-dawn-do-us-part
relationships?
No, twerp.
This is a guy who I
think really has a chance.
I can sense a lot of
chemistry between us.
Morris. Hi.
Oh, dear God!
When did you two
even get out of my sight?
You blacked out for 30 seconds
after he gave you the shot.
No one's budging.
We could be here forever.
Well, Niles, I...
I suppose we...
could share a table?
There's a couple of
seats available there.
Oh, good Lord. We can't
sit with strange women.
Why not?
We married strange women.
That's funny.
Really, I'm not in the mood.
Just try to relax.
It'd do you good to do something
spontaneous for a change... come on.
Yeah, I just, I just...
I... I wouldn't
know what to say,
and besides, I'm a married man.
Oh, Niles!
Please. When will you get
rid of that tired old excuse?
Your off-again, off-again
relationship with Maris.
Come on.
Hello, ladies.
Excuse me, um...
would you mind
terribly if we joined you
until another table opens up?
Oh, please do.
Oh, thank you so much.
That's very kind.
I'm Frasier, and
um, this gentleman
dusting for fingerprints
is my brother Niles.
I'm Laura and, this is Beth.
Hello.
Nice to meet you. Laura? Niles.
Beth, Niles.
Uh, what do you two ladies do?
Uh...
You don't want to hear about it.
Well, why don't we?
It's just boring... To
the guys, anyway.
Their eyes just glaze over
when the subject comes up.
Oh, come on. Come on.
We're not your average
bozos off the street.
Why don't you try us?
We design kitchens.
On the contrary,
I am always ready
to debate the merits
of down-draft cooktops
and ceramic tile backsplashes.
Whoa! Whose little boy are you?
Yes, and just the mention
of a double-bowl,
stainless-steel sink
with integral drain boards
makes me hum like
a subzero freezer.
You know, I think
the key to a good
kitchen is comfort.
That's a whole current trend...
A living room
feel in the kitchen.
Except, of course, with
our father who favors
a kitchen feel in
the living room.
That's funny.
You're very witty.
Thank you.
Oh, look, Niles, a
table's opened up.
Oh, no, no, no, don't. Stay.
Yeah, this is fun.
Well, yes, it... it is
fun, isn't it, Niles?
Well, I told you it would be.
Why don't I go get
us some coffees?
Uh... you know, I, uh, I, uh...
I'll help.
I knew you'd panic.
Well, I'm sorry.
This is still a little
new for me, and...
besides, those two
are coming on to us.
You know, they are
very attractive, Niles.
I know.
Maybe we should ask them out?
On a date?
We just met.
Good point, Niles.
We should go out with
them few more times
before we ask them on a date.
I just mean it
seems a little rash.
Well, that's exactly
why we should do it.
We're being spontaneous
today... come on.
It'll do us some good.
I am enjoying this and, uh...
All right, I'll do it.
Oh, but wait. We're
making an assumption here.
We could both be interested
in the same woman.
Good Lord, I hadn't
thought of that.
All right, I will declare:
I'm interested in Beth.
Good, good. We really
dodged a bullet there.
Which one's Beth?
Oh, it's this one here.
Great! Great.
Well, here we are.
Oh, Frasier, what
a great apartment.
Well, it's just a
little something
I threw together.
You know, an objet
here, an antique there.
And there's the chair.
Wow. He wasn't kidding.
Oh, hi.
Dad. Dad, meet Beth Armstrong
and Laura Paris. Martin Crane.
Hi. How are you? Please,
have a seat. Sit down.
Yeah, yeah.
So, you been out on
a double date, huh?
Well, sort of.
We met this afternoon,
and the next thing we knew
your sons were taking us out
to dinner and to the Seattle rep.
Oh. What'd you see?
The Man Who Came to Dinner.
It's about a
bad-tempered invalid
that moves into
these people's house
and just drives them crazy.
Comedy?
I used to think so.
Well, Mr. Smart Aleck,
as a matter of fact,
I was about to
do a favor for you.
Hmm? Yeah, Sherry and I can't
make it to the
mountains this weekend,
and the cabin's
already paid for,
so I thought maybe
you'd like to use it.
Well, thank you, Dad, uh,
but Laura and I have
plans to go to the symphony.
Oh. How about you, Niles?
Oh, Beth and I are
attending an art opening.
Well, if you hear of anybody...
Nice meeting you, ladies.
I'm really glad the
boys brought you over,
and it's been a long time
since I said that and meant it.
Well, Dad wasn't really thrilled
with the women we married.
Yes, but fortunately
my taste has improved
a lot since then.
I think your taste is fabulous.
I'm, uh, referring to
the brandy, of course.
Mmm. Velvety
texture, great body...
I'm not.
Well...
in honor of what
happened today, a toast:
To winging it.
What greater thrill is there
than-than going down
an unknown path,
not quite sure
where it will lead...
Just enjoying the
way that path wends
and, and, uh...
what it looks like and-and...
where it goes off to, uh...
Perhaps you should have
left a trail of bread crumbs
before you started
down that toast.
You know, Frasier, I
hate to see you miss
a weekend in the country just
to take me to the symphony.
We can go next week.
Wait a minute. I have a thought.
Uh, the spirit of spontaneity
has carried us this far.
Why don't we postpone our plans
and all go to the cabin
together this weekend?
I'd love that.
Sounds like fun.
Well, then, it's settled.
Saturday morning, we
ride the high country.
Say, you two
have been here five minutes.
You haven't seen
Frasier's kitchen yet.
There's really nothing
special about it.
Well, let's let the
professionals judge that.
I am kind of curious
to take a peek.
Well, peek away.
Peek away. Yes, and, uh...
someday, when you speak
of his faux granite
countertops... and you will...
Be kind.
You are so funny.
What's going on?
Well, things are
going rather fast.
Just going out this
evening was a big step,
but something that
involves packing a suitcase?
I mean, given my
situation, I can't... I can't...
Niles,
when are you going
to stop letting Maris
be an anchor on
your social life?
Oh, surely, that is the
most tortured metaphor
you've ever come up with.
Maris, an anchor? Oh, please.
How do you know? She's
life weight, for God's sake!
Oh, would you just stop it?!
You're changing the subject.
This afternoon, for
the first time in your life,
a perfectly lovely woman,
who you don't even know,
has agreed to go away
with you on a weekend.
Isn't that exactly
the kind of scenario
you've always dreamed of?
Yes.
And if you... you pass
it up, won't you regret it?
Yes.
Well, then,
for once in your
timid, risk-free life
don't you think it's time
you grabbed for that brass ring?
It's a great kitchen, Frasier.
You guys feel like firing
up the cappuccino maker?
Yes!
Of course, if I have
that much caffeine
at this hour, it'll
probably be...
Yes!
Ah, there we are.
After you, ladies.
Oh, this place is perfect.
Oh! And don't you
just love this air?
Oh, I am going to
sleep like a baby.
Me, too.
Geez, I hope you two
don't mind roughing it.
There's no radio or television.
I guess we'll just have to
make our own entertainment.
We should be able
to manage that.
Come on, let's go
look around outside.
We'll, uh, we'll start the fire
and we'll be right out.
Yes.
Okay.
Well, Niles, I think things
are going rather
well; don't you?
Yes, they are, and thank
you for twisting my arm.
Feel like a new man, do you?
I feel like a new woman,
and thank God I
remembered to pack one.
There you are.
You know, I just
wish I were sure
that Beth and I were
on the same page.
I've forgotten how
to read all the signals.
Well, Niles, you don't
need a decoder ring
to understand the phrase
"make our own entertainment."
Then again, there was
that other statement
about sleeping like a baby.
Exactly. They could
be thinking platonic...
The two of them in one room,
sleeping like babies.
The two of us in
another, crying like babies.
Well, we're all adults.
I suppose we could just ask
them what they have in mind.
It'd be the worst
thing we could do.
What if they're not interested?
We'd all be embarrassed.
It would ruin the
entire weekend.
I know.
Their luggage will tell us.
We'll put my bag
in with your date's
Uh-huh. and your
bag in with my date's.
They'll see the mistake.
Right. The way they correct
it will tell us with whom
they're planning
to spend the night...
Each other or us, and
either way it will all look
like a simple misunderstanding.
You've done this before!
Only on my honeymoon.
Now, hurry.
Niles, this is idiotic.
We're both trained
psychiatrists.
Yes, and finally
it's paying off.
Oh, Frasier, this
place is heaven.
Why don't we
open up a bottle of wine
and watch the sunset?
You know...
the sun won't be setting
for a little while yet.
Just think how much
more we'll enjoy it
if we've got all of our
unpacking done first.
That can wait.
Um, by the way,
Beth and I were
talking, and I don't know
what you guys had
in mind for tonight,
and sorry if this
sounds kind of forward,
but we would like
to avoid an awkward,
uncomfortable situation by
getting this out in the open
right now.
When we go out
to dinner tonight,
it's on us.
Oh, well, isn't...?
That's, that's awfully
nice of you, um...
Yes.
Speaking of, um...
awkwardness, um...
Uh, you know...
Look at that sunset.
Oh...
Are you as crazed
by this as I am?
It's driving me out of my mind.
Oh, all right then.
I'm going to settle
this once and for all.
Now, just follow my lead.
Yes. That... that...
is lovely, isn't it?
Magnificent.
Mm-hmm.
Not feeling so hot, huh?
What'd the doctor say?
He says I've got...
Oh, what was that
medical term he used?
Oh, I remember... "flu."
God, I'm really sorry
I didn't let you
get that flu shot.
Is there anything at
all that I can do for you?
Well, when I was a
little girl and got sick,
Grammy Moon used
to read me to sleep.
It was a great comfort.
Oh...
is this what you're reading?
Mm-hmm.
The Rose and the Rapier?
Well, if you're
not in the mood...
you don't have to.
No, no. I'll do it.
The bookmark's where I left off.
All right.
Okay.
"With a gasp of
dismay, she ran to him
"her amethyst eyes
wide with alarm.
"'You fool, ' she hissed.
"'Suppose someone saw you?
The duke's men are everywhere.'"
This isn't so bad.
Told you.
"'You fool!' She
whispered again.
"'You sweet, brave,
wonderful fool.
I should have died had you
not found my bed chamber.'"
Oh, geez.
"Then she was in his arms
and all her qualms forgotten
"as she...
"tore his tunic asunder and...
"thrust her eager lips
"against the sinews
of his naked chest.
The next morning..."
You left out a section.
Okay. Okay.
"As his
"brazen fingers
peeled the silken fabric
"from her heaving...
Bosom..."
"he beheld her quivering,
alabaster mounds.
"At that moment,
"she felt the proof of
his rampant passion
"against her milky thighs.
His almost God-like beauty..."
"was marred only...
by the fact that he was..."
cross-eyed...
three feet tall
and had breath
like owl droppings.
Is there anything more relaxing
than just lazing by a fire
with a good glass of wine?
Nothing I know of.
You two must be relaxed,
sitting there so calmly
when there's still all
that unpacking to do.
Niles, we didn't
bring that much.
Yeah. We didn't think we'd need
too many clothes this weekend.
Well, I hate to break things up,
but I'm getting a little sleepy.
So I'm going to
get ready for bed.
Yeah, it is getting late.
You finished with that?
Oh, yes, yes.
Thanks.
Niles.
I can't take this anymore.
These women are as
inscrutable as sphinxes.
Yes! Since we got here,
all they've done is send us
the most veiled, cloaked,
cryptic messages.
Can't they just give
us one clear signal?
Well, I'm off to bed.
Niles, are you coming?
Curse these infernal riddles.
Niles!
So she really said
what I thought she said?
Yes! Go!
Suitcase, suitcase.
There you are.
Sleep well. Oh, you, too.
Niles, what are you doing?
Oh, uh... never mind.
Yes. Is Mrs. Crane there?
Yes. I'll hold.
What is that?
Some sort of weird,
kinky foreplay?
I'm...
I'm starting to feel
guilty about this.
Now?! Well, I'm sorry.
I just need to clarify the ground
rules of Maris and my separation.
Oh, fine, fine.
I think you may look
back on this one day
as your darkest hour, but
you do what you want to.
Yes. Maris, uh...
uh, it occurred to
me, uh, you know
we never laid out the rules
about our dating other people
and what we
could and couldn't...
Niles, what are you doing?
Uh, coming!
I, uh, well, you know,
h-here's the thing.
I know that we're allowed
to see other people.
Uh, my question is, uh...
how much of them
are we allowed to see?
Uh, be right with you.
I'm sorry. What?
Oh, really?
Oh, well, that's,
that's, wonderful.
That's, that's all I
needed to know.
Thank you.
Yes?
You were wrong.
Maris says she
doesn't mind at all.
Oh. Well, then...
Yeah!
Off you go.
Let the revels begin.
What?! What?!
Why doesn't Maris mind at all?
What's going on?
Uh, nothing. Just a
second. It's Niles, uh...
I-I'll be a moment.
Why do you care?
Well, because she
could have taken
a lover herself
and this is her way
of alleviating her guilt.
Okay, Niles,
so what do you want to do?
You want to stew
over that all night?
Let her have all the fun?
Well... n-no!
No. No, of course not.
Well, then...
Off you go!
Right!
Niles?
Uh, momentito.
Hello?
Yes, Maris.
Well, I see, but...
All right.
Yes?
Frasier?
I'll just be a second.
She's changed her mind.
She doesn't want me
to go through with it.
Do you realize what's
happening here?
Yes!
Your ex-wife is
ruining my sex life!
Give me that!
Oh... could I... uh, I...
What are you doing?
Well, what are you doing!?
What if she's changed
her mind again?
How am I supposed
to know what to think?
I'm going to say
this just one last time.
Oh...
This weekend... is
not about thinking.
It's about doing...
Doing something
that the Crane boys
haven't done for a
very, very long time.
For once in our miserable
sex-starved lives, can't we
do something pleasurable
without thinking it to death?!
Don't think about today,
don't think about what's right!
Don't even think of
them as Laura and Beth!
For tonight,
they are just two
live, breathing
available female
bodies who want us!
Think again.
Do you remember which
snowbank you threw my phone into?
Oh, I think I
could hit it again.
Frasier, Frasier, Frasier!
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a'callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Quite stylish ♪
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night,
Seattle, we love you!