Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 12 - Death and the Dog - full transcript

Roz.

None of these lights
seem to be flashing.

Hey, what do you know.
I got the same thing over here.

- Well, who's our first caller?
- No one.

- Well, how much time do we have?
- None.

Hello, Seattle.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.

Well, I have some
good news for you.

As today is the first sunny day
we've had in a few weeks,

it seems that all our lines are open.
So please call in. No waiting.

Absolutely no waiting.

Oh, come on, somebody's
marriage must be on the skids.



Somebody's career
must be going badly...

...other than mine.

Hey, how about all you agoraphobics?
I know you're not outside.

Oh, there's a call.
I'll take it. I'll take it.

Hello, I'm listening.

Hi, Dr. Crane.

My name is Alice,
and I'm usually a happy person.

But today, well, I just started
thinking about all kinds of sad things.

My job isn't that exciting, my kids
don't call me as often as I'd like.

Pretty soon I was in a full-blown funk.

Well, Alice, as today seems
to be a bit slow,

you know, I think I have a story I can
tell you that might be of some help.

Do you have some time?

Well, it's 3:00,
and I'm still in my bathrobe.



Perfect!

Well, it all started three days ago.

You see, my father was very
concerned about his little dog, Eddie,

so he had taken him to the vet.

So, what did the doctor say?

He's stumped.

I told him he's not sleeping, he's
not eating, he's not even sniffing stuff.

Welcome news to
Mrs. Frobisher in 13B.

He said he can't find anything
wrong with him physically.

Thinks it might be
an emotional problem.

You know, I've heard
they have therapists for dogs.

Do you suppose a dog psychiatrist
could be the answer?

Only if the question is,
"What is the most asinine thing

we could possibly do?"

Maybe Eddie's just lonely.

You know, I was thinking maybe
we could maybe get another--

Stop right there, Dad.
We are not getting another dog.

Oh, come on. What could be more fun
than having a little brother or sister

- around the house to play with?
- I fell for that trick once, Dad.

Well, I'm gonna get
this little guy home.

All right, I'll see you at home. I want
to pick up some beans before I go.

See you there.

Oh, wow.

There's a guy over there
checking me out.

He's coming over here.

Get out. No, it's too late.

Just pretend you're not with me.

- Hello, Dr. Crane.
- Dr. Kagen.

- I hope I'm not interrupting.
- Oh, no, not at all.

- I don't even know who she is.
- Frasier.

- Hi, I'm Roz Doyle.
- Dr. Stephen Kagen.

Yes, Dr. Kagen moved into
my building about three months ago

- from Chicago, I believe.
- Yes, that's right.

I love what I've seen of Seattle,
but I'm still finding my way around.

Well, Roz is an excellent tour guide.

Really? Well, if you have
an afternoon sometime,

maybe you could show me
all the hot spots.

Oh, I think that could be arranged.

I'd be happy to.
I'm free tomorrow afternoon.

- Here's my card.
- Great.

I'll give you a call.

- Nice meeting you, Roz.
- Nice to meet you.

- Dr. Crane.
- Dr. Kagen.

- Thank you, Frasier.
- My pleasure.

A gorgeous doctor,
and I didn't get you anything.

- So, what kind of doctor is he?
- A gynecologist.

That's not funny.

- What's the matter?
- He really is?

Oh, God. I can't go out
with a gynecologist.

Do you know what they do all day?

I have a general idea, yes.

All right, I'll see you at home.

- Hey, would you date a gynecologist?
- Oh, God, no.

- See?
- Yeah, I wouldn't even date a dentist.

Hands in people's mouths all day.

And after watching
Eddie's complete physical,

I'm not anxious to date
a vet anytime soon either.

I thought familiarity with a woman...

But that's really more of a sidetrack.

Getting back to our story,

by the time I got home that day,
alas, poor Eddie was no better.

Hey, look, Eddie, Mr. Carrot.

He'll give you good eyesight.

And a lot of fun with this too.

- Dad.
- Yeah.

What are you doing?

I went out, and I bought a bunch
of new toys for Eddie.

I just thought it might
cheer him up, you know.

Hey, Eddie, look at this.

Hamburger.

Juicy. Meaty.

I'll bet you'd like a bite of this,
wouldn't you?

No? Well, more for me.

I sure hope you don't take
a bite out of the other side.

Did you ever see
anything sadder than this?

No, I can't say that I have.

Oh, that will be Dr. Crane.

He said he was gonna
bring his dog over.

Oh, not that four-legged Maris.

Dad, please.

Don't call it that in front of him.
He has no idea.

How could he not?
It acts like Maris, it barks like Maris.

Aside from the fact that it eats
now and then, they're dead ringers.

- Hello.
- Hello, Daphne.

- Hello, all.
- Niles.

I heard Eddie was down,

and I thought a playmate
might cheer him up. So voilà.

Well, I appreciate the offer, Niles,
but I already tried it in the park

with real dogs, and it didn't work.

Well, you'll change your tune when
you see my girl turn on her charm.

All right, come on, girl.

And go to Eddie.

Go to Eddie.

Okay.

Do your stuff.

That's it.

Oh, oh, I can see her magic
working already.

No, girl, come back here.

Girl? Come back here this instant.

Okay.

Oh, Eddie, it's breaking my heart
seeing you like this.

How would a nice big batch

of Grammy Moon's
sugar biscuits sound?

Do you believe he can understand
a word you're saying?

Hey, I read somewhere dogs can
understand up to 400 words.

Now, a supersmart dog like Eddie
probably knows 1,000.

- Oh, really, Dad?
- Yes, really.

Eddie understands more
than you give him credit for.

Yeah, why, just yesterday I said,
"Eddie, I've lost my keys."

And he looked up at me...

- Eddie.
- Eddie. Yackety yackety.

Yadda yadda yadda yadda. Eddie.
Yadda yadda yadda yadda.

- Eddie. Eddie. Eddie. Eddie.
- Eddie.

--understanding
anything other than the simple fact

of his name or a grunt.

Well, the crisis has passed.
She just needed a little rest.

Fortunately, I remembered
to bring her sleep mask.

- How's Eddie?
- Worse.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to call in
one of those dog psychiatrists.

- Dad, you can't be serious.
- Well, I'm desperate.

- We tried everything else.
- A dog psychiatrist?

Honestly, Dad, they are the very
definition of charlatanism.

You simply cannot apply the principles
of human psychology

- to animal behavior.
- Precisely.

Animals operate out of instinct,
whereas human beings can reason.

- Yes.
- They can cogitate.

Yes. Therefore, a human being,

through analytical
psychotherapy, can...

Dad.

Dad.

Dad, yadda yadda...

Well, it's the intrinsic
value in, what, Gestalt therapy and...

Thank you for staying with us
through the first commercial break.

We're talking to Alice,
who has a case of the blues today.

In order to help her through it,
I am relating a story from my own life.

Any questions so far, Alice?

Well, I was wondering,

what happened to Roz
and the gynecologist?

Well, since Frasier did tell the most
embarrassing part of the story,

something kind of funny did happen.

Oh, my God, you're kidding.
You were at Camp Lakeridge too?

- What years were you there?
- Roz. Roz.

We are trying to help this woman.

We don't have time
for your pointless tangents.

Anyway, my father finally got his way
and made an appointment

with a dog psychiatrist,
who insisted that the entire household

be present for the first session.

What's keeping this guy?
He should have been here by now.

Perhaps he's been detained
by his fear-of-fetching group.

All right, now, you two cut it out!

- Hello, I'm Dr. Arnold Shaw.
- Hi, doc.

Marty Crane. Come on in, please.

This is Daphne Moon
and my sons, Frasier and Niles.

- How do you do?
- And this, of course, is the patient.

I don't suppose my father told you,

but my brother and I
happen to be psychiatrists.

Oh, how nice. I always enjoy being
in the company of colleagues.

I'm sorry. Did you say
"colleagues" or "collies"?

Oh, it's just a joke.

It's very clever. Very clever.

Well, shall...? Shall we begin?

Hello, Eddie. I'm Dr. Shaw.

And I'm here to get to know you
and help you get better.

You're very sad, aren't you?

It's okay to be sad.

Sometimes I'm sad too.

We're gonna spend the next hour
trying to figure out why you're sad.

When you give a dog an hour,
you can bill him for seven.

I'm sorry. I get the feeling that
some of us aren't taking this seriously.

Look, I apologize.
This all just seems a bit silly.

Oh, really? Silly?

I'll have you know I just attended
the funeral of one Buttons McFarland,

whose owners felt the same way.

Knock it off!

- Okay.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

First, I'd like to administer a dog
personality-profile quiz

I've developed.

My first questions are based on
how you think Eddie might behave

- if he were a human being.
- Oh, boy.

It's not a joke. This is very serious.

If human Eddie were planning
a dinner party, what might he serve?

I'd say meat loaf.
But not the plain kind.

The one with that fancy
tomato-soup glaze on top.

Might be a bit underdone, though.

He has trouble reaching
the knobs on the stove.

Poached salmon. I don't know why.

Interesting. Question two.

What would you imagine
human Eddie's first words to be?

Well, I hope,
"Give me a breath mint."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

All right, next one.

What do you imagine would be
human Eddie's favorite cologne?

Aqua Velva. It's a little strong,
but I think he can pull it off.

Grey Flannel. I don't know why.

Cologne? Well, actually, I think
he would prefer toilet water.

Oh, by the way, same answer
for favorite beverage.

I'm sensing a lot of hostility here.

I'm sorry.
I just don't see the point.

What is any of this telling you
about Eddie?

The point was not to learn about Eddie,
but to learn about all of you.

And might I say,
mission accomplished.

Well, perhaps now would be
a good time for me

to examine Eddie one-on-one.
Is there a room I can use?

Oh, yeah. My room.
Second on the right.

Eddie, after you.

This may take a while.

If Eddie were one of the Beatles,
I think he'd be George.

I don't know why.

And yet she's never been committed.

I don't know why.

Okay, I'll say it.

What have they been
doing in there for the last hour?

He's probably just talking to him. Eddie
happens to be complex and interesting.

Oh, yes. You must remind me to sit
beside him at his next dinner party.

Well, be prepared. He'll be up
and down checking on that meat loaf.

- I have my diagnosis.
- Finally, the white smoke.

Eddie is indeed depressed.

Now, if, as you say,
there's been no change in his routine,

I can only surmise that he's reacting
to someone else's unhappiness.

Is any one of you
suffering from depression?

- Not me.
- Well, I'm not depressed.

- Me either.
- I'm cheer personified.

Well, he's picking it up somewhere.

To be on the safe side, you should all
be conscious of how you behave

when you're in front of him.
Try to speak in pleasant, happy tones.

Goodbye, Eddie.

Call me in a few days,
let me know how he's doing.

Okay. Thanks for everything, doc.

Sorry to rush off, but I have
a 4:00 appointment at the zoo.

There's a hyena there
that won't even crack a smile.

See, I can joke too.

- Hold it.
- Oh, my God. Roz, what's happened?

I wanna kill myself.

Oh, hey, Roz, not in front of Eddie.

- What?
- That gentleman that just left

- was a dog psychiatrist.
- He said it'd be a good idea

if we all had a happy tone
when we're around Eddie.

So please, tell us,
why do you want to kill yourself?

Well, I went out
with Dr. Kagen, and we--

Everything was going so great
that I almost forgot what he was.

- What is he?
- A gynecologist.

Oh, gee. I don't think I wanna hear
any more about this.

All right, Roz, what happened?

Well, we went upstairs
to his apartment,

and he poured a glass of wine and...

Well, do you know
what a speculum is?

Apparently, he was an avid collector
of antique gynecological equipment.

I've just gotten the signal from Roz
that we're running out of time,

so I'll skip ahead in our story.

If you ask me, the man's theory's
a whole lot of hooey.

Who here has any reason
to be unhappy?

Well, mind you, I would never say this
if it weren't for Eddie's sake,

but comparatively speaking,

Dr. Crane, you have the most
to be depressed about.

What with your separation
from Mrs. Crane and all.

Well, I'm not unhappy.

Besides, I don't even live here.

Oh, please, you're here
more than I am.

You know, I hate to say it, but, Dad,
if anybody's giving off unhappiness,

I'm afraid it's you.

- Me?
- Yes.

You're the one who hasn't
had a date in a year.

- Not to mention two failed marriages.
- And yet you did.

Well, I don't know,
maybe I am not entirely happy.

Why should I be?

My son lives across the country.

There's no woman in my life.

Maybe it is I
who is making Eddie sad.

Oh, now, now,
don't you take all the blame.

If I give my life a good once-over,
I realize it's not all jam.

I've just lost the only boyfriend
I've had in years,

and the biggest thing in my life is that
I got all my hair cut off months ago,

- and no one's even mentioned it.
- You got your hair cut off?

Oh, shut up.

Daphne, maybe you were right earlier.
I'm not so happy.

Oh, maybe it's me.

My life hasn't been a picnic
since Hester died.

Now that I think about it,
what have I got to be happy about?

I mean, I know that has
nothing to do with Eddie,

but maybe Frasier picked up
something from contact with me.

He wouldn't be the first one who--
Oh, I'm too depressed.

How loosely woven is the fabric
of our happiness.

A tug or two,

and it unravels to reveal how empty
our everyday lives really are.

Then there are the empty nights...

...accompanied by thoughts
of loneliness and death.

You think about that too?

- Thought it was just me.
- Everybody thinks about it.

Do you lie real still
and hold your breath...

...and pretend you're in the ground?

No, that's just you.

When I die, I want it to be
on my 100th birthday,

in my beach house on Maui,

and I want my husband to be so upset
he has to drop out of college.

You know, I once had a psychic
tell me the strangest thing.

That one day I would go off me rocker,
take up a kitchen knife,

kill the entire household
and then kill myself.

Silly old bag.

She was right about my moving
to Seattle, though.

Well, I don't know how I wanna go,

but all my years around the police
morgue taught me a few things.

First off, you don't wanna swallow
Drano or rat poison.

And if you're gonna kill yourself
with an axe, get it right the first time.

Well, you know, we can talk about it,
we can think about it...

...but nobody really knows
how or when.

One second we're as alive
as anyone else, and then...

...what?

Darkness. Nothingness.

Afterlife?

I've always liked the notion of meeting
the great figures of history.

Then I think,
what if it's like high school,

and all the really cool dead people
don't wanna hang out with me?

Mozart will tell me he's busy,
but then later I'll see him out

with Shakespeare and Lincoln.

I don't know about you, but this
is depressing the hell out of me.

Remember, my number's coming up
sooner than you guys.

- Wow, that's right.
- That's a good point, yeah.

No, no. None of us really knows
when our time is up.

And it's never long enough.

My great-grandmother
was 92 years old when she died,

and her last words to me
from her deathbed were,

"It's so short."

Of course, it was the '70s.

She could've been
talking about my skirt.

I have seen the eternal Footman
hold my coat, and snicker

T.S. Eliot.

Dead.

Must not all things at the last
be swallowed up in death?

Plato.

Even deader.

You know, perhaps
Dr. Shaw was right.

Perhaps we are the cause
of Eddie's depression.

Simple beast.

He has peered beneath
the masks of happiness we all wear...

...and seen what lurks below,

infected by our sorrow.

His once carefree doggy world
has been shattered, perhaps forever.

Well, look at him. He's happy again.

Could that have been all it was?
He was missing his favorite doll?

Well, I guess
Dr. Shaw was wrong after all.

He wasn't taking his cue
from us, was he?

Well, we were certainly
taking a cue from Eddie.

- I've never been so depressed.
- Tell me about it.

Yeah, I wish I was a dog.

All it takes is a little toy
to make him happy again.

I'm afraid we're a bit more complex
than that, Daphne.

We know for whom the bell tolls.

Anybody else hear that?

Oh, the biscuits.

Daphne, by "biscuits"
do you mean cookies?

- Yeah, that's right.
- Oh, they smell good.

- Yeah.
- Fresh from the oven.

- All nice and warm.
- Yeah.

And I have a fresh
pitcher of milk for dipping.

Oh, and I believe
there's ice cream too.

Ooh!

And so, Alice, even the happiest of us
can find reasons to be unhappy

if only we look for them.

So don't look for them.

Take a tip from our dog friends,
and treat yourself to your favorite toy.

Whatever that might be.

I'll do that right now.

Thank you, Dr. Crane.
I really do feel better.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane,
reminding everyone

that life is too short to dwell
on every bump in the road.

Try to take pleasure
in the simple things.

In short,

eat a cookie.

Ow! Oh!

Walnut. I broke a tooth.

Oh, now I gotta go to the dentist.

Gonna tell me I haven't flossed, my
lip's gonna get all fat. My life sucks.