Frasier (1993–2004): Season 4, Episode 14 - To Kill a Talking Bird - full transcript

Frasier has been striking out a lot lately and decides to give up the dating game. Niles has moved into a swank new apartment however and Frasier takes an interest in one of his new neighbors, Stephanie. Frasier invites her to a dinner party Niles is having but his new pet cockatoo latches on to his scalp and won't let go. Frasier tries to keep the guests occupied but the bird has a few choice comments about the guests, which brings the party to an abrupt end.

Oh, dear, your chair's
got another big rip in the bottom.

MARTIN:
Where?

Hand me my reupholstery kit,
would you?

Thanks.

Oh, Dr Crane, don't you look smart.

I don't feel smart.

I've let Roz set me up
on another one of her blind dates.

- Who's the lucky woman?
- Oh, a friend from her aerobics class.

Well, perhaps it won't be too bad.
She's 32, has a terrific body,

apparently thinks I'm God's gift
to broadcasting.

Well, at least you have one thing
in common.



When will you stop blighting
the environment with this atrocity?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

My God, can't you see
that it wants to die? Let it go.

You know, I keep having this dream
where you say the same words,

only I'm in the hospital,
and you're slipping the nurse a 20.

- Dad, that will never happen.
MARTIN: Thank you.

I have medical power of attorney.
It won't cost me a thing.

- Niles.
- Hello, Frasier.

We were in the neighbourhood
for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap

and we thought we'd stop by.

- Of course, the pedicure was for...
- Stop right there.

There's no way to finish that sentence
that'll make me proud.

I have some wonderful news.

I just signed a lease
for an apartment



in one of the most exclusive buildings
in Seattle.

- You don't mean?
NILES: I do.

As of next week, I will be
a resident of The Montana.

Niles, why would you even want to live
in such a stodgy building?

When I applied there
they treated me like riffraff.

If you're gonna ask
and answer your own questions,

what do you need me for?

The best part is I'll never have
to give my address again.

From now on, I'll simply be
Dr Niles Crane, The Montana.

DAPHNE:
That's a lovely building.

I've only been there once,
applying for a job.

Can't imagine anyone turning down
a chance to hire you.

Well, I hope you're right.
I haven't heard yet.

Well, good night.

- Hey, Frasier, you don't think she...?
- Just relax, Dad.

It's just her way of angling
for more vacation time.

But what if she isn't?

They'd have to call me for a reference.
Either way, she's not going anywhere.

Gosh, that's uncanny, Dad.

- What is?
- The way she's taken with you.

Look at that.
She's absolutely mesmerized.

- She is not.
- Oh, she is.

She's just playing hard to get.

Go to Grandpa. Go to Grandpa.
Go to Grandpa.

Oh, hello, Grandpa. Oh, yes.

Isn't she warm and cuddly?

I see I'm going to have a tough
time tearing the two of you apart.

FRASIER:
I'm gonna go out on a limb.

The Montana doesn't accept pets,
does it?

On the contrary, they welcome them.

Just not cats or dogs.

Well, then you're in luck, because
I don't know what the hell this thing is.

There's no way that dog
is moving in here with us.

Please? At least if she's here,
I'll be able to visit her.

I cannot turn her over to strangers.
She worships me.

FRASIER:
Oh, please.

You must realize that that dog has
no genuine affection for you.

You only pretend that she does

because she's a canine substitute
for Maris.

That is the most absurd psychobabble
I have ever heard.

She's high-strung, cold to the touch
and ignores you.

My God, stand her upright,
take ten pounds off her,

put her in a Chanel suit,
what have you got?

- I'm sorry, that's ridiculous.
- Is it really? All right, here.

Remember the little pillbox hat that
Maris wore to the Duchamps wedding?

NILES:
Yes, well, I...

- Good morning.
- Hey, Frasier.

- So how did it go with Rita last night?
- She didn't quite take to me.

Oh, you're just being hard on yourself
like you always are.

FRASIER:
You tell me.

Over appetizers, she suddenly realized
she had a very early morning meeting,

suggested that we skip
the jazz club after dinner.

People have meetings.

When the waiter suggested a souffl?
that would take an extra 30 minutes,

she said, "Oh, dear God, no."

She was probably on a diet.

After I dropped her off at home,

I noticed that she'd left
her suede jacket in my car.

I called to offer to swing it by,

and she said, and I quote,
"Just keep it."

- What did you do to her?
- Nothing.

God, Roz, I have had it.

You know, in the past six months
I have done

everything a man can possibly do
to meet a woman.

Singles bars, blind dates,
a lecture series at the museum.

I've even spent hours in
the grocery store

trying to look helpless
in the produce department.

That's it. I'm taking myself
off the market.

Frasier Crane has thumped
his last melon.

You know, Frasier...

Roz, Roz, please,
I know what you're going to say.

I should climb back up
on that horse.

I'm too great a catch
to give up now.

- No, I think you should give up.
- What?

Well, I don't really want to give up.

I was just saying that
to get your sympathy.

Look, this happens sometimes.

When you're on a really bad streak,
you start to get desperate.

Women can sense that.
They can smell it.

- Smell it?
- Mm-hm.

And trust me, when a guy starts
to get overeager,

you know, like complimenting
you too much

or laughing too hard at all your jokes,
you just wanna turn and run.

- I don't do that.
- Oh, honey,

wake up and smell...
Well, yourself.

You just need to air it out a little bit.

And in my experience,
the minute you stop looking,

the perfect person
falls right in your lap.

Well, Roz, as much as I appreciate

you comparing me to a dead squirrel
in a heating duct,

I think you're wrong.

- Hey, Roz.
ROZ: Hey.

- I got that research you're looking for.
- Great.

- Hi, Dr Crane.
FRASIER: Hi.

Wow, you look really lovely today,
Christine.

It is Christine, isn't it?

That's what it says
on my driver's license.

[LAUGHING]

FRASIER:
That's very charming.

God, I reek, don't I?

NILES:
- With inlay of Philippine mahogany.

And we conclude our little tour
back here in the living room.

Oh, it's very posh.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Niles, why the bed
in the living room?

It's not a bed, Dad.
It's an antique fainting couch.

My goodness, they had furniture
for everything back then, didn't they?

Glad you made it.

Niles, this precious little building
isn't as exclusive as you think.

Your doorman waved me
right through.

- Well, that's because he knows you.
- Oh, a fan of my show?

No, he lives in your building.

So, Niles, what'd you do
about the dog?

Oh, I found a wonderful family
to adopt her.

Well, I'm sure it won't take you long
to adjust to being alone again.

Actually, I won't have to. Follow me.
There's someone I'd like you to meet.

It was love at first sight.

She's very exotic,
only eats every other day,

and she's so white,
she's almost blue.

Well, I'm getting nervous.

That's what he said just before
he introduced us to Maris.

Everybody...

...meet Baby.
BABY: I love you.

You bought a bird?

Well, I started to think
how quiet it would be around here,

and, well, she is lovely,
and she's so affectionate.

BABY:
I love you.

She says that all the time.
I love you too, Baby.

I love you, Grandma.

She's still in transition
from her last owner.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Let go of my shoulder.
Let go of my shoulder.

Don't like that noise,
do you, Baby?

Well, here, go to your food.
Go to your food.

Oh, good girl. Excuse me.

Oh, you know, I've always been
fascinated by these birds

that can actually learn how to talk.

Oh, they can't talk. They just drill
a few words into them at the pet shop,

and then they never learn
anything else after that.

It is attractive, though.

Yeah, well, that's the way they are.
Cute, but stupid.

BABY:
Cute, but stupid.

Daphne, perhaps we should
just leave these two alone.

I sense a real battle of wits
shaping up here.

NILES:
Thanks so much.

Well, I'm off to an auspicious start
in the building.

One of my neighbours got
my mail by mistake.

Look at those bills.
What must she think of me?

But, Niles, everybody gets bills.

Not at The Montana.
They all have people.

Yeah.

Their bills go to their people.

I want them to think
I have people too.

I used to have people,
only they were Maris' people.

Niles, you keep this up,
you won't even have the people

who don't care
you don't have people.

It just proves how essential it is

to make a good first impression
when you move into a new building.

Which is why I'm throwing
a dinner party Friday night

for a few select residents.

I'll show them such a good time,
there'll be no question I belong.

- And I'm invited?
- Yes, you are.

But I'm afraid you can't bring a date.
You know how I hate a crowded table.

That's quite all right. I've taken myself
off the dating circuit.

Afraid I was getting a bit desperate.

Well, I was a bit concerned

when you called to ask if Gloria
was our first or second cousin.

Hey, Niles, you gotta see this.
Your bird's eating peanut butter.

It's even funnier
than when Eddie does it.

Dad!

[DOOR BUZZES]

Frasier, would you get that?
And pretend you're my people.

FRASIER: Hello.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I was looking for Dr Crane.
I found some more of his mail.

Oh, well, I'm a Dr Crane.
I'm Niles' brother.

Oh, my gosh.

You're Dr Frasier Crane
from the radio, aren't you?

- Oh, I love your show.
- Thank you.

- Stephanie Garrett.
- Stephanie.

You know, you are not
gonna believe this,

but when I was a freshman
at Harvard,

I saw you perform the Pirate King

in their production of
The Pirates of Penzance.

- Oh, my God.
- No, no, no, you were great.

I mean, you were so good

that I brought my husband back
to see you the next night.

Well, I mean, he wasn't
my husband then.

Well, actually,
he's not my husband now.

Oh, well, I'm glad to hear that.

Oh, no. That you came back,
you know, the second time,

not that you have an ex-husband.
You know, I have one too.

Well, no...

Ex-wife.

- My God, is it getting warm in here?
- Yeah, a bit.

- Well, it was nice to meet you.
- Right.

Wait. You know, Niles is having
a dinner party on Friday

with some of his enchanting
new neighbours.

Is there a chance you could join us?

Well, yes, I think I could
if Niles has room.

The more the merrier.

Well, then, see you then.

- I'll look forward to it.
- As will I.

Roz was right.

When I stop looking for the perfect
woman, she lands in my lap.

I hope you're comfortable
with that arrangement,

because that's where
she'll be seated Friday night.

NILES:
Bon appetit. Bon appetit.

- Now you try it, Baby. Bon appetit.
BABY: Bon appetit.

What a quick little study you are.

Birdbrained, indeed. You already know
more French than my father.

[DOOR BUZZES]

[BABY SQUAWKING]

Ow.

Boy, if you don't get used
to that doorbell,

we're going to have to give you
a serious manicure.

[DOOR BUZZES]

Coming. I'm coming.
Stop ringing.

- Good evening.
- Hello.

Or should I say,
"Avast ye, matey"?

I don't have time for your badinage.
I'm only just setting out my place cards.

Place cards? Well, how elegant.

- And who is Peter Soutendeck?
- He is on your right.

He's an investment banker
from Amsterdam.

Apparently, he handles a lot
of Bill Gates' money,

so don't say anything derogatory
about the Netherlands or Microsoft.

Damn, there goes
my opening joke

about the Dutchman
trying to install Windows 95.

Stephanie's over here.
I'm not next to her.

See, Peter's bringing a date,
so I thought it would be better if you...

- What are you doing?
- I'm putting Stephanie next to me.

And throwing off
my seating arrangement?

Niles, surely you realize that
I've spent a long time

looking for a woman like Stephanie.

Now, if you really want to impress
these people,

you've got to get a little more
atmosphere in the room.

- I'll light a fire. You dim the lights a bit.
- Oh, that's a good idea.

By the way, be careful
with that fireplace.

It can be a bit...

[BABY SQUAWKING]

FRASIER:
I'm so sorry.

Holding on a bit tight there,
Baby, aren't you?

Okay, go to your perch.
Go to your perch.

Frasier, this bird's holding
onto my scalp.

L... I can't pull it off.

If you can pull off that jaunty beret
you wore to brunch last Sunday,

you can pull anything off.

- I'm sorry. Let me try to help.
- All right, be careful.

Let me see what I can do.
Maybe I can just get the legs.

- Ow! Ow! Stop it! Stop it!
- It just doesn't... It's stuck.

Wait. I know. Get the lighter.

Fire frightened it onto my head,
fire will frighten it off.

Let's try that.

[SQUAWKING]

- It's not working.
- Yes, it is.

- Stop it. Stop it.
- Oh, all right.

- Oh, here, the phone.
- Oh, excellent, excellent, excellent.

- Hop on, Baby, hop on.
- No, Niles, just call someone for help.

And whom do you suggest we call,
a fez rental?

Come on, Baby. Go to your perch.
Go to your food. Go to your bed.

- Niles, don't panic. Try to stay calm.
- How can I stay calm?

I have six dinner
guests arriving...

[DOOR BUZZES]

Ow!

All right, listen.

You go call the vet.
I will take care of things out here.

- Oh, hello.
- Hello.

Please come in.

- I'm not early, am I?
- No, no, not at all.

- May I get you a drink?
- Yes, a white wine, please.

- Oh, what a lovely table.
- Yes.

Yes, I noticed that we happen to be
sitting next to one another.

Good. Then I won't have to
change the place cards around.

Oh, well... To the girl next door.

Well, actually, it's a little further
down the hall.

Well, if you need a ride home tonight,
don't hesitate to ask.

[DOOR BUZZES]

NILES:
Ow!

What was that?

Well, I'm afraid Niles probably
burned himself on something.

Don't worry. He'll be fine.

Hello. Oh, please, do come in.
I'm Frasier Crane, Niles' brother.

I'm Carol Larkin. My husband Alfred.
This is our niece, Wella.

A pleasure. Wella.
Nice to see you. Welcome.

Please make yourselves comfortable.

I'm just going to run into the kitchen
and check on the bird.

So you've seen
this sort of thing before. I see.

- All right, well, thank you.
- What did he say?

Well, he thinks she was traumatized by
the fire and went into a kind of shock.

He said we shouldn't try to force
her off. We need to relax her.

Fine, you take care of that. I've got
the future Mrs Crane in the other room.

- How do I relax this bird?
- I don't know.

Try delivering that keynote speech
you gave

at the Psychiatric Association
last spring.

Everything all right out here?

- Will Dr Crane be joining us soon?
- Oh, yes, I believe so.

Any minute now.

[DOOR BUZZES]

NILES: Ow!
- Oh, dear, is something wrong?

I keep telling him, "Get yourself
a decent oven mitt," but, you know...

Hello. Please come in.
I'm Frasier, Niles' brother.

- Peter Soutendeck.
- Peter.

- This is Elaine Hensley.
- Elaine.

Actually, your brother and I
are well acquainted.

Maris is a dear, dear friend of mine.

- Really?
- Yes.

So where is Niles?

Well, actually, he's in the kitchen
preparing dinner.

He's favouring us tonight
with a lovely pheasant.

[BABY SQUAWKS]

As you know,
he is a stickler for freshness.

Oh, what now?

I'm trying to pretend like it's night
so it'll fall asleep.

Well, you look very cute.

BABY:
Cute, but stupid.

Listen, I can't stall them much longer.
They're starting to ask questions.

The Dutchman's date
even knows Maris.

- What? Who'd he bring?
- An Elaine somebody.

Well, which Elaine?
Maris knows three Elaines.

Oh, I don't know. She's very thin,
she's exquisitely dressed

and dripping with attitude.

Oh, like that narrows it down.

I was afraid of that.
It's the bad Elaine.

Maris' oldest friend.

Nothing would delight her more
than report back to Maris

that I threw a soiree
with a cockatoo on my head.

BABY:
Bon appetit.

- What was that?
- Bon appetit.

Crab puffs for everyone.
Bon appetit.

At which point, the woman said
to Churchill,

"Sir, if you were my husband,
I would put poison in your coffee."

To which Churchill saucily replied,

"Madam, if you were my wife,
I would drink it."

Perhaps you've heard that story.

Yes. From Churchill.

Well, can I freshen anyone's drink?

Perhaps I'll just bring
the bottle around.

I didn't realize that you were
gonna have to play host all night.

I mean, we've hardly had
a chance to talk,

and I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to make it an early night.

- Oh, no, really?
- Yes,

I'm leaving for Paris
first thing in the morning,

and I was really hoping that we could
spend some time alone.

And so we shall.

As of this moment,
it's just the two of us.

I'm completely at your disposal
just after this.

Elaine, can I get you something?

Actually, I just thought I'd see
what Niles is up to in there.

Perhaps I could be
of some help.

Well, you know,
you could pour the wine.

What are you doing now?

You're ruining my chances
with Stephanie.

Yes, that was my first concern too.
Toss.

You can't abandon me
just because you're hoping

Stephanie's as horny as you are.
You've got to help me.

I suggest that first you get to the vet
and have that removed.

Are you mad? I can't walk in there
with this on my head.

I'd be the laughingstock
of The Montana.

You can't spend all night
in the kitchen.

Frasier, these people live for gossip.
I've only been here three days.

Already I know that Peter's a letch
and Carol's a lush.

What do you think they'll
say about me?

I've spent 45 minutes
with these people.

They happen to be very kind,
understanding,

and I think they'll be
very sympathetic to your problem.

- Really?
- Yes.

- You don't think they'd laugh at me?
- No, I don't.

But if you stay in here,

they'll think you're rude, ill-mannered,
and dare I say it, a bad host.

Very well. I'll go out there.

But if they ridicule me,
let it be on your head.

Everyone, excuse me.
There's been a little mishap.

Niles is going to have
to go to the doctor.

It's nothing serious, he just has to
have something removed.

Niles.

You see, his bird suffered
a kind of trauma

and has attached itself
to the scalp,

and we were just thinking that we'd
hate to cancel dinner, but...

Frasier, this isn't necessary.
Let's just go.

Good evening, everyone.
I'm very sorry for all of this.

Niles, you mean all this time you were
hiding in there because of your bird?

Oh, you poor thing.

You know, the same thing happened
to my mother once, only with her cat.

Now, that was a sight.

Who hasn't had
an embarrassing moment at a party?

Look, I've just spilled wine
on my dress.

This is such a relief.

I must say, I feel a little silly
for staying in there so long.

Are you in any pain?

No, no, as long as no one rings
the doorbell, I'm fine.

Well, you know, Niles, you seem
to be relaxing a bit.

Maybe the bird will relax and...

Should we give this
another minute or two?

ALL:
Yes.

Well, all right then,
who needs more wine?

Alfred, wine for you.

And would anyone like
cheese or a cracker?

No, no, Baby, guests first.

Oh, Carol, that dress is
absolutely smashing.

- Why, thank you.
BABY: Carol's a lush.

Did the bird just say something?

It sounded like it said...

BABY:
Carol's a lush.

Where would a bird
learn a phrase like that?

Birds today.

You just don't know where
they pick things up.

Well, shall we all join Peter
at the table?

BABY:
Peter's a letch.

- What did you say?
- I said, let's all sit down.

BABY:
Peter's a letch.

Is this your idea of a joke?

I've had quite enough of this.
Come along, Carol.

No, please, people, don't go.

I did not teach
the bird these phrases.

I don't know where
it picked them up.

You'll stay, won't you, Stephanie?

BABY:
Stephanie's horny.

Oh, my God, is that what you've been
saying about me behind my back?

No, I never said that about you.
I said it about me.

I'm the horny one.
All I said was, you're very cute.

Cute, but stupid.

Well, thank you both
for a wonderful evening.

- Good night.
- Please let me explain.

I know we got off on the wrong foot,
but we are going to be neighbours...

[DOOR BUZZES]

- Well, thank you very much.
- Oh, please.

- I've lost far more than you did.
- Oh, really?

I've lost the most promising
romantic prospect I've had in years.

What have you lost? The respect
of a posh lush and a Dutch letch.

Try repeating that, Baby.

All right.

I apologize.

Thank you.

Perhaps I can drive you
to the vet now.

Maybe we should take
the service elevator.

Oh, what's the point?

I don't think my reputation can suffer
any more than it already has.

I wouldn't be so sure about that,
wearing a white bird after Labour Day.