Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 21 - Where There's Smoke, There's Fired - full transcript
Big Willie (Richard Hamilton), the station's new owner, blows smoke at Frasier concerning the prospect of nationally syndicating his call-in show. If Frasier can help Big Willie's fiancée - none other than Frasier's agent Bebe Glazer - to quit smoking, Frasier will get his syndication. In a desperate bid, Frasier forces his family to spend a hellish weekend with Bebe in their home as he tries everything possible to snuff out her habit. Meanwhile, Martin and Daphne offer suggestions as to how Niles can trim expenses after his loss of Maris' financial assistance.
[ DOORBELL CHIMES ]
COMING.
OH, DR. CRANE.
MY GOD, AFTER ALL
OUR YEARS TOGETHER
ALL THE GOOD TIMES,
ALL THE BAD TIMES
YOU CAN'T LOAN
ME A MEAGER $4,000?
YOU MUST APPRECIATE
HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO
APPROACH YOU ABOUT THIS.
I THOUGHT I MEANT MORE TO YOU
BUT, APPARENTLY, I DON'T.
AND THEY CALL THEMSELVES
THE FRIENDLY BANK.
WHAT DID YOU NEED
TO BORROW MONEY FOR?
I SAW THE MOST EXQUISITE
BIEDERMEIER FOOTSTOOL.
FOR 4,000 BUCKS?!
YOUR MOTHER AND I DIDN'T PAY
THAT MUCH FOR OUR FIRST HOUSE.
I KNOW, DAD. I LIVED THERE.
YOU DON'T HAVE MARIS' MONEY
TO THROW AROUND ANYMORE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO START
CUTTING BACK A LITTLE.
I HAVE CUT BACK.
I TOLD MY MASSEUR I COULD
ONLY SEE HIM ONCE A WEEK.
OH. I REMEMBER THAT
SCENE IN GRAPES OF WRATH
WHEN MA JOAD DID THAT.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU
NEED TO SAVE A BIT
YOU SHOULD DO WHAT I
DO AND CUT OUT COUPONS.
COUPONS...
WHAT A WONDERFUL
WAY TO ECONOMIZE.
WELL, I COULD CLIP THEM
AND-AND GIVE THEM TO
MY PERSONAL SHOPPER.
OH, NILES, GOOD MORNING.
DAPHNE, HAS BEBE
GLASER CALLED BACK YET?
'FRAID NOT.
YOU'RE STILL CONSORTING
WITH THAT BARRACUDA?
A BARRACUDA IS WHAT YOU
WANT IN AN AGENT, NILES.
THE STATION'S BEEN SOLD.
SHE MIGHT HAVE SCUTTLEBUTT
ON THE NEW OWNER.
[ DOORBELL CHIMES ]
I MUST ADMIT, SHE'S HARD
TO GET A HOLD OF THESE DAYS.
I THOUGHT ONE JUST DREW
A PENTAGRAM ON THE FLOOR
AND CHANTED, "I SUMMON
THEE," THREE TIMES.
HELLO, ROZ.
HEY.
HEY, ROZ. HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON HIM?
PLENTY. HIS NAME
IS WILFRED S. BOONE
BUT HE LIKES TO BE
CALLED "BIG WILLY."
THERE'S A LITTLE SNAPSHOT
OF HIS PSYCHE RIGHT THERE.
HE'S AN 85-YEAR-OLD TEXAN.
PRACTICALLY NO FORMAL EDUCATION
BUT HE WENT FROM ERRAND BOY
AT A RADIO STATION
TO OWNING HIS OWN MEDIA
EMPIRE WORTH 600 MILLION.
[NILES] THIS IS GREAT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT RENUZIT IS
BUT IT'S 20 CENTS
OFF, AND I WANT IT.
YOU'RE CLIPPING COUPONS?
I'M ECONOMIZING.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
YOU SPEND MONEY
LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR.
SHE SAID AUTHORITATIVELY.
MAY WE GET BACK
TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND?
WHY ARE YOU SO ANTSY?
DAD, WILFRED S. BOONE...
"BIG WILLY."
PLEASE, ROZ, I JUST CAN'T
SAY THAT YET, ALL RIGHT?
HE OWNS 30 RADIO STATIONS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
IF HE LIKES YOU, HE'S BEEN KNOWN
TO SYNDICATE YOUR
SHOW NATIONWIDE.
SO, I'M TRYING TO
FIND OUT IF WE HAVE
ANYTHING IN COMMON...
AN ANGLE, IF YOU WILL.
SO, WHAT ARE HIS INTERESTS?
HE LIKES WHITTLING, RODEOS,
THE NOVELS OF ZANE GREY...
GEEZ, FRAZ, LIKE YOU TWO
WERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH.
HE ALSO OWNS A
5,000-ACRE CATTLE RANCH
AND THE WORLD'S
LARGEST COLLECTION
OF ANTIQUE SIX-SHOOTERS.
OH, DEAR GOD, I'M SUCKING
UP TO YOSEMITE SAM.
TO IMPRESS BIG WILLY,
WE SHOULD THINK OF
SOME WESTERN THEME FOR THE SHOW.
GREAT IDEA. WHY NOT
START WITH A SEGMENT
ON HOW TO GET IN TOUCH
WITH YOUR INNER YOUNG 'UN?
[MAN] WHAT A
FASCINATING THEORY...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THIS IS GREAT. I TOLD GIL
THE NEW STATION OWNER
IS A GREEK TYCOON.
HE FELL FOR THAT?
HOOK, LINE AND SOUVLAKI.
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR
OVERRIPE CAMEMBERT
AND MALODOROUS STILTON.
THEY CAN'T COMPARE WITH
THE SALTY INSOUCIANCE
OF GREECE'S GLORIOUS FETA.
IT'S NOT JUST FOR
SHEPHERDS ANYMORE.
THIS IS GIL CHESTERTON
SAYING, "BON APPETIT"
OR AS WE SAY IN
ATHENS, "KALI OREXI."
[ LAUGHING ]
OH, GIL, YOU'VE BEEN HAD.
THE NEW OWNER ISN'T GREEK.
HE'S FROM TEXAS.
YOU ARE SO EASY!
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
I'VE JUST GIVEN FOUR STARS
TO A RESTAURANT CALLED
"A TASTE OF GREECE"
WHICH, TRUST ME, IS NO MISNOMER.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE
TRYING TO SUCK UP TO
SOME SENILE OLD COOT.
HELL...
HE PROBABLY CAN'T EAT ANYTHING
BUT STRAINED PEAS AND FARINA.
MR. BOONE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE.
THIS IS ROZ DOYLE,
GIL CHESTERTON AND...
I'M SKIPPY THE LUNCH BOY.
SO, THAT'S TWO STRAINED
PEAS AND A FARINA
FOR THE BIG GUY.
OOH, UH, SKIPPY,
CHANGE MY ORDER.
I'VE GOT A SUDDEN HANKERING
FOR BABY BACK RIBS
AND CORN BREAD.
OH, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU, DR. CRANE.
I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.
THEY TOLD ME YOU'RE JUST
THE FELLA WHO COULD FIX IT.
I HOPE I'M NOT IMPOSING.
OH, NO, DON'T BE
SILLY, MR. BOONE.
ACTUALLY, I PREFER "BIG WILLY."
DON'T BE SILLY, BIG WILLY.
YOU SEE, I'M ENGAGED
TO BE MARRIED.
OH, CONGRATULATIONS.
SWEET, YOUNG THING...
JUST NUTS ABOUT ME.
PROBLEM IS, SHE SMOKES.
OH, LORD, THAT IS
A VERY BAD HABIT.
OH, IT'S A VILE HABIT.
WOULD HAVE DESTROYED
MY AFFECTION FOR HER
IF SHE DIDN'T POSSESS
CERTAIN... COMPENSATING GIFTS.
ANYWAY, AS A FAVOR TO ME
COULD YOU HELP HER?
WELL, I'LL-I'LL CERTAINLY TRY.
JUST KEEP IN MIND, THOUGH
ADDICTION IS FRAUGHT
WITH MANY COMPLEX ISSUES...
LENGTH OF HABIT, MOTIVATION...
FORGIVE ME.
SOMETIMES, I DON'T EXPRESS
MYSELF TOO CLEARLY.
WHEN I SAID, "COULD
YOU HELP HER?"
WHAT I MEANT TO
SAY WAS "HELP HER."
CONSIDER IT DONE.
MUCH OBLIGED.
SHE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
THAT'S ME, DR. FRASIER CRANE
BIMBO WRANGLER.
GOD.
THIS IS A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY.
YOU MAKE THIS LITTLE
TOOTSIE QUIT SMOKING
WE'RE HALFWAY TO SYNDICATION.
DID SOMEONE SAY
SYNDICATION, OR DO I HEAR IT
EVERY TIME I LAY EYES
ON MY FAVORITE CLIENT?
OH, BEBE.
IS SOMETHING WRONG, DEAR?
WE JUST MET BIG WILLY.
HE THINKS I'M SOME
SORT OF A MAGICIAN.
HE WANTS ME TO PLAY
THERAPIST TO HIS LITTLE FIANCEE...
SOME GOLD-DIGGING PIRANHA
SO DEVOID OF SCRUPLES
THAT SHE'S WILLING
TO ROB THE COFFIN...
OH, DEAR GOD!
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
WE MET LAST MONTH, AND
IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
FIRST SIGHT OF WHAT...
HIS BANKBOOK AND A CARDIOGRAM?
[ROZ] TWO MINUTES.
I'M HURT THAT SHE COULD
EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT.
I LOVE THAT DEAR, SWEET, OLD
MAN WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.
THERE WON'T EVEN BE A WEDDING
IF YOU CAN'T GET RID
OF THAT ROTTEN HABIT.
HE ORDERED ME
TO SEE THAT YOU DO.
YOU'D THINK A TOUCH OF EMPHYSEMA
WERE THE END OF THE WORLD?
WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND, WOMAN?
SORRY, PUDDIN'.
BEBE SLIPPED.
JUST THAT ALL-IMPORTANT
LAST PUFF.
WELL, SEE THAT IT IS.
I'M HEADING OUT OF
TOWN FOR THREE DAYS.
WHEN I GET BACK ON SUNDAY
I EXPECT MY LITTLE GAL HERE
TO BE SMOKE-FREE BY THEN.
IN... THREE DAYS?
NOW YOU DO WHATEVER IT
TAKES TO HELP HER, DOC...
DRUGS, STRAITJACKETS
ELECTROSHOCK.
YOU SEE HOW HE DOTES ON ME.
EXCELLENT PROGRESS, BEBE.
WE'VE REALLY DIVED
INTO THE EMOTIONAL VOID
THAT IS THE ROOT
OF YOUR ADDICTION:
YOUR FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
YOUR FEAR THAT THOSE YOU TRUST
WILL SUDDENLY
TURN THEIR BACKS...
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
EXCUSE ME.
MY GOD, IT ALL
SEEMS SO CLEAR NOW.
YOU'RE A MIRACLE WORKER.
IF I HAD A DIME
FOR EVERY TIME I...
NILES!
HELLO, FRASIER.
I NOTICED YOU WERE OUT
OF CAPERS THE OTHER NIGHT
SO I GOT YOU THIS.
THANK YOU, NILES,
BUT, UH... WHY SO MANY?
I JUST DISCOVERED A PLACE CALLED
PRICE BUSTERS WAREHOUSE.
YOU HAVE TO BUY IN BULK
BUT THE SAVINGS
ARE EXTRAORDINARY
AND THEY HAVE A HUGE SELECTION.
I FOUND FRENCH FRIES
AND FRENCH DOORS
IN THE SAME AISLE.
WELL, NEXT TIME YOU GO BACK
BE SURE TO BUY ME A
THOUSAND SWORDFISH
SO I CAN USE THESE UP.
YOU LAUGH, BUT I
COULD DO IT LIKE THAT.
SO, HOW GOES THE
GREAT SMOKE-OUT?
UNTIL TODAY, I HAD NO IDEA
WHAT A BRILLIANT
THERAPIST YOUR BROTHER IS.
HE HAS TUNNELED HIS WAY INTO
THE VERY DEPTHS OF MY PSYCHE.
WELL, LET'S HOPE HE
SENT A CANARY DOWN FIRST.
WELL...
I'LL BE RUNNING ALONG.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 10:00 TOMORROW.
IN THE MEANTIME
IT'S EXERCISE, LOTS
OF FRESH SPRING WATER
AND NICOTINE GUM
FOR THE CRAVINGS.
THAT'S MY GIRL.
I'M WRITING A
PAPER ON ADDICTION.
I'D LOVE TO ASK YOU
SOME QUESTIONS
UNLESS THERE'S SOME REASON
YOU'RE EAGER TO BE OFF.
ME?
NO.
NO.
NOT AT ALL.
I NEED TO DISCUSS
A PERSONAL MATTER
WITH FRASIER FIRST.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME PRIVACY.
IT'S TIME FOR MY WATER ANYWAY.
YES, NILES?
SHE'LL SMOKE HALF A PACK
BEFORE THE ELEVATOR
HITS THE LOBBY.
HOW CAN YOU KNOW?
YOU HARDLY SPOKE TO HER.
THE CRAZED, CUNNING
GLINT IN HER EYES.
SHE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE
THAT... SHE'S AN AGENT.
I KNOW ABOUT ADDICTION.
IT'S THE EXACT SAME
LOOK MARIS USED TO GET
DURING THE COUGH SYRUP YEARS.
THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL
WITH IT IS TO LOCK HER UP,
AND WATCH HER LIKE A HAWK
TILL IT'S OUT OF HER SYSTEM.
SHE WOULD HAVE TO
STAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
WHO'S STAYING ALL WEEKEND?
BEBE GLASER.
HERE?!
WHAT FOR?
SHE'S TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING.
GREAT. THAT MEANS
SHE'LL BE EXTRA LOVEABLE.
NOT TO WORRY. THERE'S NO REASON
SHE HAS TO STAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
BEBE AND I MADE A REAL
BREAKTHROUGH TODAY.
JUST COME ON IN THE KITCHEN
YOU'LL SEE THAT I'M RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T STAY AND
HELP YOU WITH THE PAPER...
WEDDING PREPARATIONS AND ALL...
BUT I'LL REMEMBER
THOSE HELPFUL HINTS:
IT'S EXERCISE, GUM
AND LOTS OF WATER.
WATER SHOULD COME IN HANDY
FOR PUTTING OUT THOSE
PESKY PURSE FIRES.
[FRASIER] ALL RIGHT, NILES
SECURE THE DOOR!
YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE STAYING FOR THE WEEKEND.
GIVE ME THAT PURSE!
[BEBE] ALL RIGHT.
JUST LET ME REMOVE ONE
VERY PRECIOUS MEMENTO.
VERY WELL.
OH, STOP IT!
STOP IT!
MORE.
WHAT, AGAIN?
THAT'S THE THIRD SERVING.
IT'S FLATTERING TO DAPHNE THAT
BEBE FINDS HER FOOD SO TASTY.
I'M ORALLY FIXATED.
I'D EAT A HALF-STUNNED WHARF
RAT IF YOU PUT SOME GRAVY ON IT.
OH, I'LL BEAR THAT IN MIND
COME BREAKFAST TIME.
PLEASE
LET'S ALL TRY TO REMAIN
SUPPORTIVE OF BEBE.
I THINK SHE'S REALLY
DOING RATHER WELL.
SO, UH...
I HEAR YOUR FIANCEE
IS WELL-TO-DO.
VERY.
YOU GOING TO EAT THAT FAT?
MARRYING MONEY
CAN HAVE ITS PERILS.
TEN OR 15 YEARS DOWN THE LINE
AFTER YOU'VE
ADAPTED TO A LIFESTYLE
NOW TOTALLY BEYOND YOUR MEANS
YOU CAN FIND
YOURSELF CAST ASIDE...
A HOLLOW HUSK,
PENNILESS AND CRUSHED.
NILES, BIG WILLY'S 85.
HE'S ON HIS THIRD PACEMAKER.
AH. MAZZAL TOV.
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY
THIS GUY EVER SEE YOU EAT?
AFTER DINNER IS THE TIME
I NEED A CIGARETTE MOST.
AS LONG AS I DON'T
STOP EATING, I'LL BE FINE.
GOOD, BEBE. YOU'RE
IDENTIFYING THOSE MOMENTS
THAT TRIGGER YOUR
WORST CRAVINGS.
YEAH, YEAH.
IT WOULD HELP TO
KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
DAD IS AN EX-SMOKER.
DAD, TELL US ABOUT WHEN
YOU CRAVE A CIGARETTE MOST.
AH. WHEN I HAD INSOMNIA.
I'D GET UP, POUR A WATER
GLASS FULL OF BOURBON
LIGHT A CIGARETTE
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I
COULDN'T KEEP MY EYES OPEN.
NOTHING RELAXES
YOU LIKE A CIGARETTE.
OF COURSE, GIVES YOU
A HELL OF A HEADACHE
IN THE MORNING.
WELL,
I SMOKED FOR YEARS
BUT I NEVER BECAME ADDICTED.
TO THIS DAY, I CAN BUY A PACK
HAVE A CIG OR TWO
TOSS THEM IN A DRAWER
AND NOT CRAVE
ANOTHER FOR MONTHS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A WORD
FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN DO THAT.
WHAT IS IT? OH, YES... BITCH.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE INSULTING
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WRESTLING
WITH AN UNHEALTHY
AND DISGUSTING HABIT.
IT ISN'T DISGUSTING.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
[FRASIER] OH,
NOW, BEBE, TELL ME:
WHAT IS SO WONDERFUL
ABOUT SMOKING?
EVERYTHING.
I LIKE THE WAY A FRESH,
FIRM PACK FEELS IN MY HAND.
I LIKE PEELING AWAY THAT
LITTLE PIECE OF CELLOPHANE
AND SEEING IT
TWINKLE IN THE LIGHT.
I LIKE COAXING
THAT FIRST SWEET CYLINDER
OUT OF ITS HIDING PLACE
AND BRINGING IT
SLOWLY UP TO MY LIPS...
STRIKING A MATCH
WATCHING IT BURST INTO
A PERFECT LITTLE FLAME
AND KNOWING THAT SOON
THAT FLAME WILL BE INSIDE ME!
[LAUGHING GIDDILY] I
LOVE THE FIRST PUFF!
PULLING IT INTO MY LUNGS...
LITTLE FINGERS OF
SMOKE FILLING ME...
CARESSING ME... FEELING THAT
WARMTH PENETRATE DEEPER
AND DEEPER UNTIL
I THINK I'M GOING TO
BURST, THEN WHOOSH!
WATCHING IT FLOW
OUT OF ME IN A LOVELY
SINUOUS CLOUD...
NO TWO EVER QUITE THE SAME.
MORE POTATOES, ANYONE?
YES!
THANK YOU.
[RAIN FALLING]
[LATCH CLICKS]
YOU'RE UP EARLY, MISS MOON.
OH, GOD! YOU STARTLED ME.
[DAPHNE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
EVER SINCE YOUR LITTLE
SPEECH ABOUT SMOKING
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO
THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
PLEASE
DON'T MENTION THIS TO DR. CRANE.
SILENCE HAS ITS PRICE, DEAR
AND I THINK WE BOTH
KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
OH, FORGET IT! YOU CAN'T
MAKE ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE.
OH.
CAN'T I?!
YOU OPEN UP RIGHT NOW!
ALL RIGHT, MISSY!
HERE'S THE DRILL:
YOU DROP THOSE CIGARETTES,
I'LL OPEN THE DOOR.
YOU KICK THEM
OVER TO ME. CAPICE?
NO!
OH! IS IT COLD OUTSIDE?!
ALL RIGHT!
YOU ASKED FOR IT!
NO! NO, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!
OH!
OH, NO!
MY FINGERS ARE GETTING WEAK!
OH... OH, I'M LOSING ME GRIP.
STOP! PLEASE!
I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING
YOU WANT, I'LL...
I'LL MAKE YOU A STAR!
[FRASIER] WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON OUT HERE?
[CHILDISHLY] DAPHNE WAS SMOKING.
SHE MADE ME.
GIVE ME THOSE.
OH, LOOK AT ME!
I'M ALL DAMP AND
CHILLED TO THE BONE!
I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL.
MY GOD, IT'S 5:30
IN THE MORNING!
DAD!
I COULDN'T SLEEP.
YOU PEOPLE ALL LOST YOUR MINDS?
ALL RIGHT, NOW LISTEN:
GET BACK TO BED,
EVERY ONE OF YOU!
ALL RIGHT!
THANK GOD, YOU CAME
OUT WHEN YOU DID.
SHE WAS PREYING ON MY WEAKNESS.
WHO KNOWS WHAT
I MIGHT HAVE DONE?
PROBABLY... THIS.
OH! GET HER! STOP THAT WOMAN!
BEBE, YOU WILL NOT
BE ALLOWED TO SMOKE
A CIGARETTE IN THIS HOUSE.
NO! NO! DON'T EVEN
THINK ABOUT IT!
GIVE ME THOSE
RIGHT NOW!
THAT'S IT! BACK TO BED!
OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE INSANE, WOMAN!
THAT'S IT!
NO MORE HOUSEGUESTS!
GET OFF ME, YOU BRUTE!
HAND THEM OVER!
NEVER!
[PHONE RINGS]
THAT'LL BE THE NEIGHBORS.
HELLO?
OH! HELLO.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
[WHISPERING] IT'S BIG WILLY!
BIG WILLY! HELLO!
NO, NO, IT'S NOT TOO EARLY.
EVERYBODY'S UP.
[GUTTURAL GROWL]
YES, WELL...
THERE'S BEEN A
FEW MINOR SETBACKS
BUT I'M KEEPING ON
TOP OF HER, YEAH.
OH, YES. I KNOW SHE'D
LOVE TO SAY HI. HANG ON.
[NORMAL VOICE] HELLO, PUDDIN'.
I'M FINE, AND YOU?
OH, NOTHING'S TOO MUCH
TROUBLE FOR YOU, DADDY.
BYE, NOW.
YES, SIR. YES.
OH, REALLY? WELL... OH,
NO, I'M VERY FLATTERED.
OF COURSE. I'D LOVE TO.
I'LL TALK WITH YOU THIS EVENING.
BYE-BYE.
THANK YOU, DAPHNE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LISTEN UP.
HE THINKS I'M VERY GIFTED.
HE THINKS I'M WASTING MY
TALENTS IN JUST ONE CITY.
MY GOD, WOMAN, HE
WANTS TO TAKE ME NATIONAL.
DON'T YOU GET IT?
UNLESS YOU RUIN IT FOR ME!
[MOANS] OH, MY GOD! I'M SORRY!
HERE.
TAKE 'EM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.
WELL, DON'T BE TOO
HARD ON YOURSELF, BEBE.
AFTER ALL, ADDICTION TO NICOTINE
IS A VERY, VERY DIFFICULT...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS PACK IS HALF EMPTY!
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
I CAN'T HELP YOU. NOBODY CAN.
YOU WANT TO RUIN
IT FOR BOTH OF US?
HERE. GO AHEAD.
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
I ONLY WISH I COULD BE
THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS.
WHEN WHAT HAPPENS?
WHEN YOU SEE THAT
NEWSPAPER HEADLINE:
"BIG WILLY BOONE,
MILLIONAIRE, DEAD."
OH, HOW I WISH I COULD BE THERE
WHEN YOU WATCH THE
FUNERAL ON THE NEWS...
WATCH THE CASKET BEING
SLIPPED INTO THE GROUND
ONLY, YOU WON'T
BE WATCHING THAT.
NO, NO. YOU'LL BE WATCHING...
THE WIDOW BOONE.
TIFFANY, PERHAPS.
OH, NO, BETTER YET...
"KELLI" WITH AN "I."
STOP IT!
YOU PICTURE HER
WEARING YOUR JEWELS
SAILING IN YOUR YACHTS
SLEEPING WITH YOUR GIGOLOS
BUT OH, YOU WON'T BE SAD.
NO, NO, NO, BECAUSE YOU'LL
HAVE YOUR CIGARETTE...
YEAH!
CLUTCHED IN YOUR
NICOTINE-STAINED TEETH
SMOKE WHIRLING ABOUT YOUR
ONCE-PRETTY, NOW-CREASED
LEATHERY SMOKE-RAVAGED...
ENOUGH!
GOD!
YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A THERAPIST.
[DOOR OPENS]
HEY, YOU'RE BACK FROM
THE WEDDING ALREADY?
NO. THERE WAS NO WEDDING.
NO WEDDING.
NO SYNDICATION DEAL.
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?
NO MONEY, NO FAME.
YOU MIGHT SAY THINGS
HIT A BIT OF A SNAG.
NO BEACH HOUSE, NO POOL BOYS.
WILL YOU GET A GRIP, ROZ!
WHAT WENT WRONG?
WELL, THEY WERE
HALFWAY DOWN THE AISLE
BIG WILLY BEAMING PROUDLY.
BEBE RADIANT, SUPPORTING
BIG WILLY ON HER ARM
WHEN SUDDENLY
HE CLUTCHED HIS HEART
AND HIS HEAD SLUMPED
AGAINST BEBE'S SHOULDER.
OF COURSE, WE WERE
ALL CONCERNED AT FIRST
BUT IT SEEMED HE WAS ALL RIGHT
BECAUSE THEY KEPT
MOVING DOWN THE AISLE.
BUT IF YOU LOOKED
CAREFULLY, YOU COULD SEE
BEBE'S LITTLE BICEP BULGING
THROUGH HER WEDDING GOWN
AND I SWEAR, I NOTICED DAYLIGHT
BETWEEN BIG WILLY'S DRESS
BOOTS AND THE CARPET.
WELL
ONCE THEY GOT UP TO THE MINISTER
THE JIG WAS PRETTY WELL UP
DESPITE BEBE'S VALIANT
ATTEMPTS TO ANIMATE HIS FEATURES
BY TWISTING THE LOOSE
SKIN AT THE BACK OF HIS NECK.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN
A WOMAN MORE CRUSHED.
WELL, IF I WERE YOU
I'D GET HER AWAY FROM
THAT BALCONY RAIL.
THE DOORMAN GETS
TICKED IF YOU EVEN THROW
A PIECE OF GUM OVER THE SIDE.
BEBE, DEAR.
PLEASE.
COME ON IN.
THAT'S A GIRL.
LET ME HAVE A LOOK
AT YOU. COME ON.
THERE WE ARE.
WELL.
I DON'T REALLY BLAME YOU, DEAR.
YOU KNOW, ROZ AND I
ARE BOTH UPSET TOO.
YOU KNOW, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY...
AT LEAST YOU'RE NO WORSE
OFF THAN YOU WERE BEFORE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE
THINGS I DID FOR THAT MAN...
THE DEPRAVED, WESTERN-THEMED
APPETITES I SATISFIED.
HE WAS 85. HOW BAD
COULD IT HAVE BEEN?
EVER WORN A SADDLE?
DO I HAVE TO ANSWER THAT?
WELL, BEBE, YOU KNOW
THERE ARE OTHER BIG WILLYS
OUT THERE... BETTER ONES!
RICHER, OLDER...
IMPOTENT.
OH, DEAR.
YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
WELL...
I KNOW WHAT HELL I PUT
YOU THROUGH OVER THIS.
I INSIST THAT YOU TAKE THIS AS
A SMALL TOKEN OF MY GRATITUDE.
OH, BEBE, REALLY... [GASPS]
LOOK, ROZ.
IT'S A GOLD ROLEX!
OH, MY GOODNESS!
BEBE...
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
JUST DON'T WEAR
IT TO THE FUNERAL.
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]
COMING.
OH, DR. CRANE.
MY GOD, AFTER ALL
OUR YEARS TOGETHER
ALL THE GOOD TIMES,
ALL THE BAD TIMES
YOU CAN'T LOAN
ME A MEAGER $4,000?
YOU MUST APPRECIATE
HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO
APPROACH YOU ABOUT THIS.
I THOUGHT I MEANT MORE TO YOU
BUT, APPARENTLY, I DON'T.
AND THEY CALL THEMSELVES
THE FRIENDLY BANK.
WHAT DID YOU NEED
TO BORROW MONEY FOR?
I SAW THE MOST EXQUISITE
BIEDERMEIER FOOTSTOOL.
FOR 4,000 BUCKS?!
YOUR MOTHER AND I DIDN'T PAY
THAT MUCH FOR OUR FIRST HOUSE.
I KNOW, DAD. I LIVED THERE.
YOU DON'T HAVE MARIS' MONEY
TO THROW AROUND ANYMORE.
YOU'LL HAVE TO START
CUTTING BACK A LITTLE.
I HAVE CUT BACK.
I TOLD MY MASSEUR I COULD
ONLY SEE HIM ONCE A WEEK.
OH. I REMEMBER THAT
SCENE IN GRAPES OF WRATH
WHEN MA JOAD DID THAT.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU
NEED TO SAVE A BIT
YOU SHOULD DO WHAT I
DO AND CUT OUT COUPONS.
COUPONS...
WHAT A WONDERFUL
WAY TO ECONOMIZE.
WELL, I COULD CLIP THEM
AND-AND GIVE THEM TO
MY PERSONAL SHOPPER.
OH, NILES, GOOD MORNING.
DAPHNE, HAS BEBE
GLASER CALLED BACK YET?
'FRAID NOT.
YOU'RE STILL CONSORTING
WITH THAT BARRACUDA?
A BARRACUDA IS WHAT YOU
WANT IN AN AGENT, NILES.
THE STATION'S BEEN SOLD.
SHE MIGHT HAVE SCUTTLEBUTT
ON THE NEW OWNER.
[ DOORBELL CHIMES ]
I MUST ADMIT, SHE'S HARD
TO GET A HOLD OF THESE DAYS.
I THOUGHT ONE JUST DREW
A PENTAGRAM ON THE FLOOR
AND CHANTED, "I SUMMON
THEE," THREE TIMES.
HELLO, ROZ.
HEY.
HEY, ROZ. HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT ON HIM?
PLENTY. HIS NAME
IS WILFRED S. BOONE
BUT HE LIKES TO BE
CALLED "BIG WILLY."
THERE'S A LITTLE SNAPSHOT
OF HIS PSYCHE RIGHT THERE.
HE'S AN 85-YEAR-OLD TEXAN.
PRACTICALLY NO FORMAL EDUCATION
BUT HE WENT FROM ERRAND BOY
AT A RADIO STATION
TO OWNING HIS OWN MEDIA
EMPIRE WORTH 600 MILLION.
[NILES] THIS IS GREAT.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT RENUZIT IS
BUT IT'S 20 CENTS
OFF, AND I WANT IT.
YOU'RE CLIPPING COUPONS?
I'M ECONOMIZING.
WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.
YOU SPEND MONEY
LIKE A DRUNKEN SAILOR.
SHE SAID AUTHORITATIVELY.
MAY WE GET BACK
TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND?
WHY ARE YOU SO ANTSY?
DAD, WILFRED S. BOONE...
"BIG WILLY."
PLEASE, ROZ, I JUST CAN'T
SAY THAT YET, ALL RIGHT?
HE OWNS 30 RADIO STATIONS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
IF HE LIKES YOU, HE'S BEEN KNOWN
TO SYNDICATE YOUR
SHOW NATIONWIDE.
SO, I'M TRYING TO
FIND OUT IF WE HAVE
ANYTHING IN COMMON...
AN ANGLE, IF YOU WILL.
SO, WHAT ARE HIS INTERESTS?
HE LIKES WHITTLING, RODEOS,
THE NOVELS OF ZANE GREY...
GEEZ, FRAZ, LIKE YOU TWO
WERE SEPARATED AT BIRTH.
HE ALSO OWNS A
5,000-ACRE CATTLE RANCH
AND THE WORLD'S
LARGEST COLLECTION
OF ANTIQUE SIX-SHOOTERS.
OH, DEAR GOD, I'M SUCKING
UP TO YOSEMITE SAM.
TO IMPRESS BIG WILLY,
WE SHOULD THINK OF
SOME WESTERN THEME FOR THE SHOW.
GREAT IDEA. WHY NOT
START WITH A SEGMENT
ON HOW TO GET IN TOUCH
WITH YOUR INNER YOUNG 'UN?
[MAN] WHAT A
FASCINATING THEORY...
WHAT'S GOING ON?
THIS IS GREAT. I TOLD GIL
THE NEW STATION OWNER
IS A GREEK TYCOON.
HE FELL FOR THAT?
HOOK, LINE AND SOUVLAKI.
YOU CAN KEEP YOUR
OVERRIPE CAMEMBERT
AND MALODOROUS STILTON.
THEY CAN'T COMPARE WITH
THE SALTY INSOUCIANCE
OF GREECE'S GLORIOUS FETA.
IT'S NOT JUST FOR
SHEPHERDS ANYMORE.
THIS IS GIL CHESTERTON
SAYING, "BON APPETIT"
OR AS WE SAY IN
ATHENS, "KALI OREXI."
[ LAUGHING ]
OH, GIL, YOU'VE BEEN HAD.
THE NEW OWNER ISN'T GREEK.
HE'S FROM TEXAS.
YOU ARE SO EASY!
WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.
I'VE JUST GIVEN FOUR STARS
TO A RESTAURANT CALLED
"A TASTE OF GREECE"
WHICH, TRUST ME, IS NO MISNOMER.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DESERVE
TRYING TO SUCK UP TO
SOME SENILE OLD COOT.
HELL...
HE PROBABLY CAN'T EAT ANYTHING
BUT STRAINED PEAS AND FARINA.
MR. BOONE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
PLEASURE TO SEE YOU.
I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE.
THIS IS ROZ DOYLE,
GIL CHESTERTON AND...
I'M SKIPPY THE LUNCH BOY.
SO, THAT'S TWO STRAINED
PEAS AND A FARINA
FOR THE BIG GUY.
OOH, UH, SKIPPY,
CHANGE MY ORDER.
I'VE GOT A SUDDEN HANKERING
FOR BABY BACK RIBS
AND CORN BREAD.
OH, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FOR YOU, DR. CRANE.
I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM.
THEY TOLD ME YOU'RE JUST
THE FELLA WHO COULD FIX IT.
I HOPE I'M NOT IMPOSING.
OH, NO, DON'T BE
SILLY, MR. BOONE.
ACTUALLY, I PREFER "BIG WILLY."
DON'T BE SILLY, BIG WILLY.
YOU SEE, I'M ENGAGED
TO BE MARRIED.
OH, CONGRATULATIONS.
SWEET, YOUNG THING...
JUST NUTS ABOUT ME.
PROBLEM IS, SHE SMOKES.
OH, LORD, THAT IS
A VERY BAD HABIT.
OH, IT'S A VILE HABIT.
WOULD HAVE DESTROYED
MY AFFECTION FOR HER
IF SHE DIDN'T POSSESS
CERTAIN... COMPENSATING GIFTS.
ANYWAY, AS A FAVOR TO ME
COULD YOU HELP HER?
WELL, I'LL-I'LL CERTAINLY TRY.
JUST KEEP IN MIND, THOUGH
ADDICTION IS FRAUGHT
WITH MANY COMPLEX ISSUES...
LENGTH OF HABIT, MOTIVATION...
FORGIVE ME.
SOMETIMES, I DON'T EXPRESS
MYSELF TOO CLEARLY.
WHEN I SAID, "COULD
YOU HELP HER?"
WHAT I MEANT TO
SAY WAS "HELP HER."
CONSIDER IT DONE.
MUCH OBLIGED.
SHE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
THAT'S ME, DR. FRASIER CRANE
BIMBO WRANGLER.
GOD.
THIS IS A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY.
YOU MAKE THIS LITTLE
TOOTSIE QUIT SMOKING
WE'RE HALFWAY TO SYNDICATION.
DID SOMEONE SAY
SYNDICATION, OR DO I HEAR IT
EVERY TIME I LAY EYES
ON MY FAVORITE CLIENT?
OH, BEBE.
IS SOMETHING WRONG, DEAR?
WE JUST MET BIG WILLY.
HE THINKS I'M SOME
SORT OF A MAGICIAN.
HE WANTS ME TO PLAY
THERAPIST TO HIS LITTLE FIANCEE...
SOME GOLD-DIGGING PIRANHA
SO DEVOID OF SCRUPLES
THAT SHE'S WILLING
TO ROB THE COFFIN...
OH, DEAR GOD!
ISN'T IT WONDERFUL?
WE MET LAST MONTH, AND
IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
FIRST SIGHT OF WHAT...
HIS BANKBOOK AND A CARDIOGRAM?
[ROZ] TWO MINUTES.
I'M HURT THAT SHE COULD
EVEN JOKE ABOUT THAT.
I LOVE THAT DEAR, SWEET, OLD
MAN WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING.
THERE WON'T EVEN BE A WEDDING
IF YOU CAN'T GET RID
OF THAT ROTTEN HABIT.
HE ORDERED ME
TO SEE THAT YOU DO.
YOU'D THINK A TOUCH OF EMPHYSEMA
WERE THE END OF THE WORLD?
WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR HAND, WOMAN?
SORRY, PUDDIN'.
BEBE SLIPPED.
JUST THAT ALL-IMPORTANT
LAST PUFF.
WELL, SEE THAT IT IS.
I'M HEADING OUT OF
TOWN FOR THREE DAYS.
WHEN I GET BACK ON SUNDAY
I EXPECT MY LITTLE GAL HERE
TO BE SMOKE-FREE BY THEN.
IN... THREE DAYS?
NOW YOU DO WHATEVER IT
TAKES TO HELP HER, DOC...
DRUGS, STRAITJACKETS
ELECTROSHOCK.
YOU SEE HOW HE DOTES ON ME.
EXCELLENT PROGRESS, BEBE.
WE'VE REALLY DIVED
INTO THE EMOTIONAL VOID
THAT IS THE ROOT
OF YOUR ADDICTION:
YOUR FEAR OF ABANDONMENT
YOUR FEAR THAT THOSE YOU TRUST
WILL SUDDENLY
TURN THEIR BACKS...
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
EXCUSE ME.
MY GOD, IT ALL
SEEMS SO CLEAR NOW.
YOU'RE A MIRACLE WORKER.
IF I HAD A DIME
FOR EVERY TIME I...
NILES!
HELLO, FRASIER.
I NOTICED YOU WERE OUT
OF CAPERS THE OTHER NIGHT
SO I GOT YOU THIS.
THANK YOU, NILES,
BUT, UH... WHY SO MANY?
I JUST DISCOVERED A PLACE CALLED
PRICE BUSTERS WAREHOUSE.
YOU HAVE TO BUY IN BULK
BUT THE SAVINGS
ARE EXTRAORDINARY
AND THEY HAVE A HUGE SELECTION.
I FOUND FRENCH FRIES
AND FRENCH DOORS
IN THE SAME AISLE.
WELL, NEXT TIME YOU GO BACK
BE SURE TO BUY ME A
THOUSAND SWORDFISH
SO I CAN USE THESE UP.
YOU LAUGH, BUT I
COULD DO IT LIKE THAT.
SO, HOW GOES THE
GREAT SMOKE-OUT?
UNTIL TODAY, I HAD NO IDEA
WHAT A BRILLIANT
THERAPIST YOUR BROTHER IS.
HE HAS TUNNELED HIS WAY INTO
THE VERY DEPTHS OF MY PSYCHE.
WELL, LET'S HOPE HE
SENT A CANARY DOWN FIRST.
WELL...
I'LL BE RUNNING ALONG.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 10:00 TOMORROW.
IN THE MEANTIME
IT'S EXERCISE, LOTS
OF FRESH SPRING WATER
AND NICOTINE GUM
FOR THE CRAVINGS.
THAT'S MY GIRL.
I'M WRITING A
PAPER ON ADDICTION.
I'D LOVE TO ASK YOU
SOME QUESTIONS
UNLESS THERE'S SOME REASON
YOU'RE EAGER TO BE OFF.
ME?
NO.
NO.
NOT AT ALL.
I NEED TO DISCUSS
A PERSONAL MATTER
WITH FRASIER FIRST.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME PRIVACY.
IT'S TIME FOR MY WATER ANYWAY.
YES, NILES?
SHE'LL SMOKE HALF A PACK
BEFORE THE ELEVATOR
HITS THE LOBBY.
HOW CAN YOU KNOW?
YOU HARDLY SPOKE TO HER.
THE CRAZED, CUNNING
GLINT IN HER EYES.
SHE ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE
THAT... SHE'S AN AGENT.
I KNOW ABOUT ADDICTION.
IT'S THE EXACT SAME
LOOK MARIS USED TO GET
DURING THE COUGH SYRUP YEARS.
THE ONLY WAY TO DEAL
WITH IT IS TO LOCK HER UP,
AND WATCH HER LIKE A HAWK
TILL IT'S OUT OF HER SYSTEM.
SHE WOULD HAVE TO
STAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
WHO'S STAYING ALL WEEKEND?
BEBE GLASER.
HERE?!
WHAT FOR?
SHE'S TRYING TO QUIT SMOKING.
GREAT. THAT MEANS
SHE'LL BE EXTRA LOVEABLE.
NOT TO WORRY. THERE'S NO REASON
SHE HAS TO STAY FOR THE WEEKEND.
BEBE AND I MADE A REAL
BREAKTHROUGH TODAY.
JUST COME ON IN THE KITCHEN
YOU'LL SEE THAT I'M RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T STAY AND
HELP YOU WITH THE PAPER...
WEDDING PREPARATIONS AND ALL...
BUT I'LL REMEMBER
THOSE HELPFUL HINTS:
IT'S EXERCISE, GUM
AND LOTS OF WATER.
WATER SHOULD COME IN HANDY
FOR PUTTING OUT THOSE
PESKY PURSE FIRES.
[FRASIER] ALL RIGHT, NILES
SECURE THE DOOR!
YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
YOU'RE STAYING FOR THE WEEKEND.
GIVE ME THAT PURSE!
[BEBE] ALL RIGHT.
JUST LET ME REMOVE ONE
VERY PRECIOUS MEMENTO.
VERY WELL.
OH, STOP IT!
STOP IT!
MORE.
WHAT, AGAIN?
THAT'S THE THIRD SERVING.
IT'S FLATTERING TO DAPHNE THAT
BEBE FINDS HER FOOD SO TASTY.
I'M ORALLY FIXATED.
I'D EAT A HALF-STUNNED WHARF
RAT IF YOU PUT SOME GRAVY ON IT.
OH, I'LL BEAR THAT IN MIND
COME BREAKFAST TIME.
PLEASE
LET'S ALL TRY TO REMAIN
SUPPORTIVE OF BEBE.
I THINK SHE'S REALLY
DOING RATHER WELL.
SO, UH...
I HEAR YOUR FIANCEE
IS WELL-TO-DO.
VERY.
YOU GOING TO EAT THAT FAT?
MARRYING MONEY
CAN HAVE ITS PERILS.
TEN OR 15 YEARS DOWN THE LINE
AFTER YOU'VE
ADAPTED TO A LIFESTYLE
NOW TOTALLY BEYOND YOUR MEANS
YOU CAN FIND
YOURSELF CAST ASIDE...
A HOLLOW HUSK,
PENNILESS AND CRUSHED.
NILES, BIG WILLY'S 85.
HE'S ON HIS THIRD PACEMAKER.
AH. MAZZAL TOV.
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY
THIS GUY EVER SEE YOU EAT?
AFTER DINNER IS THE TIME
I NEED A CIGARETTE MOST.
AS LONG AS I DON'T
STOP EATING, I'LL BE FINE.
GOOD, BEBE. YOU'RE
IDENTIFYING THOSE MOMENTS
THAT TRIGGER YOUR
WORST CRAVINGS.
YEAH, YEAH.
IT WOULD HELP TO
KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALONE.
DAD IS AN EX-SMOKER.
DAD, TELL US ABOUT WHEN
YOU CRAVE A CIGARETTE MOST.
AH. WHEN I HAD INSOMNIA.
I'D GET UP, POUR A WATER
GLASS FULL OF BOURBON
LIGHT A CIGARETTE
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I
COULDN'T KEEP MY EYES OPEN.
NOTHING RELAXES
YOU LIKE A CIGARETTE.
OF COURSE, GIVES YOU
A HELL OF A HEADACHE
IN THE MORNING.
WELL,
I SMOKED FOR YEARS
BUT I NEVER BECAME ADDICTED.
TO THIS DAY, I CAN BUY A PACK
HAVE A CIG OR TWO
TOSS THEM IN A DRAWER
AND NOT CRAVE
ANOTHER FOR MONTHS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A WORD
FOR PEOPLE WHO CAN DO THAT.
WHAT IS IT? OH, YES... BITCH.
THERE'S NO NEED TO BE INSULTING
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WRESTLING
WITH AN UNHEALTHY
AND DISGUSTING HABIT.
IT ISN'T DISGUSTING.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
[FRASIER] OH,
NOW, BEBE, TELL ME:
WHAT IS SO WONDERFUL
ABOUT SMOKING?
EVERYTHING.
I LIKE THE WAY A FRESH,
FIRM PACK FEELS IN MY HAND.
I LIKE PEELING AWAY THAT
LITTLE PIECE OF CELLOPHANE
AND SEEING IT
TWINKLE IN THE LIGHT.
I LIKE COAXING
THAT FIRST SWEET CYLINDER
OUT OF ITS HIDING PLACE
AND BRINGING IT
SLOWLY UP TO MY LIPS...
STRIKING A MATCH
WATCHING IT BURST INTO
A PERFECT LITTLE FLAME
AND KNOWING THAT SOON
THAT FLAME WILL BE INSIDE ME!
[LAUGHING GIDDILY] I
LOVE THE FIRST PUFF!
PULLING IT INTO MY LUNGS...
LITTLE FINGERS OF
SMOKE FILLING ME...
CARESSING ME... FEELING THAT
WARMTH PENETRATE DEEPER
AND DEEPER UNTIL
I THINK I'M GOING TO
BURST, THEN WHOOSH!
WATCHING IT FLOW
OUT OF ME IN A LOVELY
SINUOUS CLOUD...
NO TWO EVER QUITE THE SAME.
MORE POTATOES, ANYONE?
YES!
THANK YOU.
[RAIN FALLING]
[LATCH CLICKS]
YOU'RE UP EARLY, MISS MOON.
OH, GOD! YOU STARTLED ME.
[DAPHNE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
EVER SINCE YOUR LITTLE
SPEECH ABOUT SMOKING
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO
THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE.
PLEASE
DON'T MENTION THIS TO DR. CRANE.
SILENCE HAS ITS PRICE, DEAR
AND I THINK WE BOTH
KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
OH, FORGET IT! YOU CAN'T
MAKE ME GIVE YOU ONE OF THESE.
OH.
CAN'T I?!
YOU OPEN UP RIGHT NOW!
ALL RIGHT, MISSY!
HERE'S THE DRILL:
YOU DROP THOSE CIGARETTES,
I'LL OPEN THE DOOR.
YOU KICK THEM
OVER TO ME. CAPICE?
NO!
OH! IS IT COLD OUTSIDE?!
ALL RIGHT!
YOU ASKED FOR IT!
NO! NO, PLEASE! I BEG YOU!
OH!
OH, NO!
MY FINGERS ARE GETTING WEAK!
OH... OH, I'M LOSING ME GRIP.
STOP! PLEASE!
I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING
YOU WANT, I'LL...
I'LL MAKE YOU A STAR!
[FRASIER] WHAT THE HELL
IS GOING ON OUT HERE?
[CHILDISHLY] DAPHNE WAS SMOKING.
SHE MADE ME.
GIVE ME THOSE.
OH, LOOK AT ME!
I'M ALL DAMP AND
CHILLED TO THE BONE!
I'LL GET YOU A TOWEL.
MY GOD, IT'S 5:30
IN THE MORNING!
DAD!
I COULDN'T SLEEP.
YOU PEOPLE ALL LOST YOUR MINDS?
ALL RIGHT, NOW LISTEN:
GET BACK TO BED,
EVERY ONE OF YOU!
ALL RIGHT!
THANK GOD, YOU CAME
OUT WHEN YOU DID.
SHE WAS PREYING ON MY WEAKNESS.
WHO KNOWS WHAT
I MIGHT HAVE DONE?
PROBABLY... THIS.
OH! GET HER! STOP THAT WOMAN!
BEBE, YOU WILL NOT
BE ALLOWED TO SMOKE
A CIGARETTE IN THIS HOUSE.
NO! NO! DON'T EVEN
THINK ABOUT IT!
GIVE ME THOSE
RIGHT NOW!
THAT'S IT! BACK TO BED!
OH, MY GOD!
YOU'RE INSANE, WOMAN!
THAT'S IT!
NO MORE HOUSEGUESTS!
GET OFF ME, YOU BRUTE!
HAND THEM OVER!
NEVER!
[PHONE RINGS]
THAT'LL BE THE NEIGHBORS.
HELLO?
OH! HELLO.
ONE MOMENT, PLEASE.
[WHISPERING] IT'S BIG WILLY!
BIG WILLY! HELLO!
NO, NO, IT'S NOT TOO EARLY.
EVERYBODY'S UP.
[GUTTURAL GROWL]
YES, WELL...
THERE'S BEEN A
FEW MINOR SETBACKS
BUT I'M KEEPING ON
TOP OF HER, YEAH.
OH, YES. I KNOW SHE'D
LOVE TO SAY HI. HANG ON.
[NORMAL VOICE] HELLO, PUDDIN'.
I'M FINE, AND YOU?
OH, NOTHING'S TOO MUCH
TROUBLE FOR YOU, DADDY.
BYE, NOW.
YES, SIR. YES.
OH, REALLY? WELL... OH,
NO, I'M VERY FLATTERED.
OF COURSE. I'D LOVE TO.
I'LL TALK WITH YOU THIS EVENING.
BYE-BYE.
THANK YOU, DAPHNE.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LISTEN UP.
HE THINKS I'M VERY GIFTED.
HE THINKS I'M WASTING MY
TALENTS IN JUST ONE CITY.
MY GOD, WOMAN, HE
WANTS TO TAKE ME NATIONAL.
DON'T YOU GET IT?
UNLESS YOU RUIN IT FOR ME!
[MOANS] OH, MY GOD! I'M SORRY!
HERE.
TAKE 'EM.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.
WELL, DON'T BE TOO
HARD ON YOURSELF, BEBE.
AFTER ALL, ADDICTION TO NICOTINE
IS A VERY, VERY DIFFICULT...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS PACK IS HALF EMPTY!
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.
I CAN'T HELP YOU. NOBODY CAN.
YOU WANT TO RUIN
IT FOR BOTH OF US?
HERE. GO AHEAD.
KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
I ONLY WISH I COULD BE
THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS.
WHEN WHAT HAPPENS?
WHEN YOU SEE THAT
NEWSPAPER HEADLINE:
"BIG WILLY BOONE,
MILLIONAIRE, DEAD."
OH, HOW I WISH I COULD BE THERE
WHEN YOU WATCH THE
FUNERAL ON THE NEWS...
WATCH THE CASKET BEING
SLIPPED INTO THE GROUND
ONLY, YOU WON'T
BE WATCHING THAT.
NO, NO. YOU'LL BE WATCHING...
THE WIDOW BOONE.
TIFFANY, PERHAPS.
OH, NO, BETTER YET...
"KELLI" WITH AN "I."
STOP IT!
YOU PICTURE HER
WEARING YOUR JEWELS
SAILING IN YOUR YACHTS
SLEEPING WITH YOUR GIGOLOS
BUT OH, YOU WON'T BE SAD.
NO, NO, NO, BECAUSE YOU'LL
HAVE YOUR CIGARETTE...
YEAH!
CLUTCHED IN YOUR
NICOTINE-STAINED TEETH
SMOKE WHIRLING ABOUT YOUR
ONCE-PRETTY, NOW-CREASED
LEATHERY SMOKE-RAVAGED...
ENOUGH!
GOD!
YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A THERAPIST.
[DOOR OPENS]
HEY, YOU'RE BACK FROM
THE WEDDING ALREADY?
NO. THERE WAS NO WEDDING.
NO WEDDING.
NO SYNDICATION DEAL.
WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?
NO MONEY, NO FAME.
YOU MIGHT SAY THINGS
HIT A BIT OF A SNAG.
NO BEACH HOUSE, NO POOL BOYS.
WILL YOU GET A GRIP, ROZ!
WHAT WENT WRONG?
WELL, THEY WERE
HALFWAY DOWN THE AISLE
BIG WILLY BEAMING PROUDLY.
BEBE RADIANT, SUPPORTING
BIG WILLY ON HER ARM
WHEN SUDDENLY
HE CLUTCHED HIS HEART
AND HIS HEAD SLUMPED
AGAINST BEBE'S SHOULDER.
OF COURSE, WE WERE
ALL CONCERNED AT FIRST
BUT IT SEEMED HE WAS ALL RIGHT
BECAUSE THEY KEPT
MOVING DOWN THE AISLE.
BUT IF YOU LOOKED
CAREFULLY, YOU COULD SEE
BEBE'S LITTLE BICEP BULGING
THROUGH HER WEDDING GOWN
AND I SWEAR, I NOTICED DAYLIGHT
BETWEEN BIG WILLY'S DRESS
BOOTS AND THE CARPET.
WELL
ONCE THEY GOT UP TO THE MINISTER
THE JIG WAS PRETTY WELL UP
DESPITE BEBE'S VALIANT
ATTEMPTS TO ANIMATE HIS FEATURES
BY TWISTING THE LOOSE
SKIN AT THE BACK OF HIS NECK.
YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN
A WOMAN MORE CRUSHED.
WELL, IF I WERE YOU
I'D GET HER AWAY FROM
THAT BALCONY RAIL.
THE DOORMAN GETS
TICKED IF YOU EVEN THROW
A PIECE OF GUM OVER THE SIDE.
BEBE, DEAR.
PLEASE.
COME ON IN.
THAT'S A GIRL.
LET ME HAVE A LOOK
AT YOU. COME ON.
THERE WE ARE.
WELL.
I DON'T REALLY BLAME YOU, DEAR.
YOU KNOW, ROZ AND I
ARE BOTH UPSET TOO.
YOU KNOW, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY...
AT LEAST YOU'RE NO WORSE
OFF THAN YOU WERE BEFORE.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE
THINGS I DID FOR THAT MAN...
THE DEPRAVED, WESTERN-THEMED
APPETITES I SATISFIED.
HE WAS 85. HOW BAD
COULD IT HAVE BEEN?
EVER WORN A SADDLE?
DO I HAVE TO ANSWER THAT?
WELL, BEBE, YOU KNOW
THERE ARE OTHER BIG WILLYS
OUT THERE... BETTER ONES!
RICHER, OLDER...
IMPOTENT.
OH, DEAR.
YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
WELL...
I KNOW WHAT HELL I PUT
YOU THROUGH OVER THIS.
I INSIST THAT YOU TAKE THIS AS
A SMALL TOKEN OF MY GRATITUDE.
OH, BEBE, REALLY... [GASPS]
LOOK, ROZ.
IT'S A GOLD ROLEX!
OH, MY GOODNESS!
BEBE...
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
JUST DON'T WEAR
IT TO THE FUNERAL.
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