Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 19 - Crane vs. Crane - full transcript
Niles announces that he has been retained to testify in a high-profile legal action to be broadcast on Court TV; local millionaire Harlow Safford (Donald O'Connor) is, at age 78, apparently showing signs of senility, so his son is trying to get him committed. Niles has agreed to speak as an expert witness to Safford's mental instability. Frasier is initially happy to accept Niles' diagnosis, but the next day, a member of Safford's legal team visits Frasier at work, and asks him to meet Safford in an attempt to try to get his brother to change his mind. Arriving at Safford's mansion, Frasier discovers that the old man's house has a fireman's pole, a giant model railway and lollipops on demand. Safford himself, a charming man who appears quite coherent and stable, explains that his eccentricities are merely his effort to embrace life and make the most of his health while he still can, and give something back to the world that has been kind to him. Charmed by Safford, Frasier feels his brother has made a misdiagnosis, and attempts to convince him to change his testimony; Niles becomes outraged and intensely defensive, convinced that Frasier is merely trying to overshadow his rare moment of glory. The two argue, and Frasier, convinced that Niles is letting his desire for fame and publicity cloud his judgement and blind him to the truth of the matter, decides to testify in favor of Safford.
[BAG CRACKLING]
HOW DOES HE ALWAYS
HEAR ME?
DAPHNE: HE DOESN'T.
HE SWINGS THROUGH
EVERY 20 MINUTES.
YOU'LL BE EATING
SOME KIND OF JUNK.
WELL, I DON'T WANT
HIM EATING THESE.
THEN DO WHAT I DO
WHEN I WANT EDDIE AWAY FROM ME.
I MAKE A SOUND LIKE LA-LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
THAT'S MEAN.
WHY? IT DOESN'T
REALLY HURT HIS EARS.
HE JUST FINDS CERTAIN
NOISES IRRITATING.
[SINGING OPERA]
THAT WAS
THE MOST RIVETING
PRODUCTION OF WAGNER
I HAVE SEEN THIS SEASON.
I STILL HAVE GOOSE BUMPS
FROM WHEN KLINGSOR
SUMMONED KUNDRY
WITH A TERRIBLE CRY
AND ORDERED HER
TO SEDUCE PARSIFAL.
"HA! ER IST SHUN DER KNABE!"
WELL, I HAD A PRETTY
GOOD NIGHT TOO.
TOOK MYSELF A NICE HOT BATH.
AND REMEMBER THAT
CORN I HAD ON MY TOE?
WELL, IT GOT SO SOFT I WAS
JUST ABLE TO PEEL IT RIGHT OFF.
IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT
FOR ME TO TOP THAT
BUT I HAVE SOME RATHER
EXCITING NEWS MYSELF.
YOU'RE ALL FAMILIAR
WITH THE SAFFORD CASE
THAT'S BEEN IN THE
PAPERS RECENTLY?
THAT SCUM-SUCKING JERK
TRYING TO GET HIS
FATHER COMMITTED?
YES, WELL, GUESS
WHO'S BEEN RETAINED
BY THAT SCUM-SUCKING JERK?
I'M GOING TO BE TESTIFYING
AT MR. SAFFORD'S
CAPACITY HEARING.
YOU'RE GOING TO HELP
SELL THAT OLD GUY
DOWN THE RIVER?
NILES: NOT AT ALL.
MR. SAFFORD IS UNBALANCED.
HIS SON IS WORRIED
SICK ABOUT HIM.
HIS SON'S WORRIED
HE'S NOT GOING TO GET HIS HANDS
ON HIS FATHER'S FORTUNE.
THE MINUTE A MAN
STARTS GETTING UP THERE
HIS KIDS START MAKING
PLANS TO DIVVY UP HIS STUFF.
YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW
THAT NILES AND I HAVE DECIDED
TO GIVE ALL YOUR
THINGS TO CHARITY.
WE'RE DONATING YOUR
CLOTHES TO THE BLIND.
MARTIN: WELL, IT'S
JUST NOT RIGHT.
A BUNCH OF MONEYGRUBBERS
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
TRYING TO DECLARE THIS
POOR OLD GUY INSANE.
FOR STARTERS, IT'S NOT
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
THE ENTIRE PROCEEDING WILL
BE BROADCAST ON COURT TV.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT FATHER DOESN'T LOOK FORWARD
TO THE DAY HE GATHERS
HIS FRIENDS AROUND THE TV
AND SAYS, "HEY, THAT'S MY BOY,
THE ONE MAKING THE OLD MAN CRY."
DAD, I'M SURE NILES
IS ONLY DOING THIS
TO PROTECT MR. SAFFORD
FROM HIMSELF.
OLD AGE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
MY GREAT AUNT BERYL
LIVED WELL INTO HER 90S
AND HER MIND NEVER FAILED HER.
OF COURSE, SHE LOST
HER EYESIGHT IN HER 70S
AND HER BALANCE IN HER 80S.
BY THE END
WE SPENT MOST OF OUR
TIME PROPPING HER UP
AND PUTTING ANOTHER
BANDAGE ON HER FOREHEAD.
OH, BUT BLESS HER HEART
SHE COULD ALWAYS TELL
YOU JUST HOW IT HAPPENED.
WELL, SAFFORD IS
CLEARLY IRRATIONAL.
RECENTLY, HE WANDERED OFF.
THEY FOUND HIM TWO DAYS LATER
RIDING ACROSS WYOMING
IN A BOXCAR FULL OF BUMS.
HE'S SELLING OFF PROPERTY
FOR HALF ITS WORTH
AND MOST DAMNING OF ALL,
WHEN I WENT OVER TO EVALUATE HIM
HE CONTINUALLY REFERRED
TO ME AS "SPARKY."
NILES, YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO HAVE A NICKNAME.
YOU REMEMBER YOUR CAMPAIGN
TO HAVE THE STRING SECTION
OF THE YOUTH ORCHESTRA
CALL YOU "ROCKY"?
IT WOULD HAVE WORKED,
TOO, IF TILLY FARADAY
HADN'T PINNED ME TO THE GROUND
WITH HER TROMBONE
WHEN I REBUKED HER
FOR NEGLECTING TO
EMPTY HER SPIT VALVE.
WELL, I STILL THINK PICKING
ON THE OLD MAN STINKS.
GOD HELP YOU IF YOU'RE
OVER 50 AND YOU DO ANYTHING
THAT SEEMS THE LEAST
BIT ODD TO YOUR FAMILY.
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA...
[WOMAN] I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIS SECRETARY.
HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR HUSBAND
AND HEARD HIS SIDE OF THE STORY?
NO.
IT DOES SEEM THAT YOUR
FEARS MAY BE WELL-FOUNDED
BUT YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR
HUSBAND BEFORE YOU COME
TO ANY FINAL CONCLUSIONS.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE,
WISHING YOU A GOOD DAY
AND GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.
HERE ARE THOSE P.S.A.S.
WE'LL DO THEM TOMORROW
BEFORE THE SHOW.
THANK YOU, ROZ.
ROZ, WHY IS THAT LIGHT STILL ON?
IS THAT BETH WHO I
WAS JUST TALKING TO?
YES, IT IS. NO.
NO, IT ISN'T. YES, IT IS.
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO BETH?
OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK...
I'M GIVING ADVICE
TO YOUR CALLERS?
YOU ARE SO PARANOID.
THE WORLD IS FULL OF ENEMIES.
EVERYBODY'S
PLOTTING AGAINST YOU.
THERE'S A MAN IN A DARK
TRENCH COAT RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
HO-HO, VERY DROLL.
DR. CRANE?
I'M JOHN GIROUX.
I WORK FOR HARLOW SAFFORD.
THERE'S BEEN SOME MISTAKE.
IT'S MY BROTHER WHO'S
CONNECTED WITH THE CASE.
MR. SAFFORD FEELS HE'S THE
VICTIM OF A GRAVE INJUSTICE.
HE'S AN ARDENT FAN OF YOUR SHOW
AND FEELS YOU'RE THE
ONLY MAN WHO CAN HELP HIM.
GIVEN MY BROTHER'S
CONNECTION WITH THE CASE
IT WOULDN'T BE PRUDENT
FOR ME TO GET INVOLVED.
WON'T YOU AT LEAST
TALK TO MY CLIENT
AND JUDGE HIM BY HIS
WORDS AND HIS ACTIONS
NOT BY HOW OLD HE IS?
YOU SOUND LIKE MY FATHER...
A MAN WHO BELIEVES THAT BURIAL
IS A FORM OF AGE DISCRIMINATION.
IF YOU STOP BY THIS
EVENING, I'M CONVINCED
YOU'LL FIND MR. SAFFORD
IS COMPLETELY COMPETENT.
EVEN IF YOU WON'T
TESTIFY ON HIS BEHALF
PERHAPS YOU COULD
GET YOUR BROTHER
TO RECONSIDER HIS TESTIMONY.
IT'S UNLIKELY THAT
I WOULD DISAGREE
WITH MY BROTHER'S OPINION.
I REALLY ADMIRED YOUR
ADVICE TO THAT LAST CALLER...
YOU KNOW, ABOUT NOT JUDGING
SOMEONE UNTIL YOU'VE HEARD
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
YOU'RE A GOOD
LAWYER, MR. GIROUX.
MR. SAFFORD ONLY
SEEKS OUT THE VERY BEST.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 7:00?
THE ADDRESS IS ON
THE BACK OF MY CARD.
I DON'T CARE WHAT
DR. CRANE SAID.
YOU START TALKING
TO YOUR HUSBAND
AND HE'LL START
COVERING HIS TRACKS.
[CLEARS THROAT]
GET A DETECTIVE NOW.
YOU WERE TALKING
TO MY LAST CALLER.
I SWEAR; IT'S THE
FIRST AND LAST TIME.
I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
I HOPE NOT.
THANKS FOR HOLDING, BILL.
I'M LISTENING.
ENJOY YOUR TOUR?
UH... YES, YES.
THAT'S QUITE A MODEL RAILROAD
MR. SAFFORD HAS RUNNING
THROUGH THE GROUNDS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE
ON QUITE THAT SCALE.
IT'S IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?
YES, ESPECIALLY WHEN
IT'S BEARING DOWN ON YOU.
I GOT MY HEELS STUCK
IN THE SOFT GRASS.
I BARELY MADE THE CROSSING.
TELL ME
HOW OFTEN DOES MR. SAFFORD
PLAY WITH HIS TRAIN?
JUST THE WEEKENDS
WHEN HE GIVES RIDES TO
UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN.
VERY ADMIRABLE.
THERE'S A LOT YOU DON'T
KNOW ABOUT HIM, DR. CRANE.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.
YES, WELL, I PROMISE TO
CONSIDER ALL THE EVIDENCE
BEFORE I ARRIVE AT A CONCLUSION.
YEE-HAH!
I THINK I'VE ARRIVED.
HIYA, SPARKY.
I'M HARLOW SAFFORD.
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER SEEN
A FIRE POLE IN A HOME BEFORE.
IT SAVES A LOT OF TIME
EXCEPT FOR GOING UP, OF COURSE.
AND, UH, THE HAT?
OH, THAT'S JUST FOR LAUGHS.
TRY IT ON.
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.
COME ON.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS IT IS SORT
OF FUN, ISN'T IT?
NOT ON YOU.
SO, DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN CONVINCE
MY SELF-RIGHTEOUS
SON THAT I'M NOT NUTS?
OH, I THINK "NUTS"
IS A LITTLE STRONG.
HE MUST HAVE MEANT THAT
YOUR BEHAVIOR MIGHT SEEM
TO BE A LITTLE UNCONVENTIONAL.
GOOD. I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE
BEING CONVENTIONAL, AND ONE DAY
I SAID TO MYSELF, "HARLOW,
YOU'RE NOT HAVING ANY FUN."
DO YOU... SPEAK TO
YOURSELF OFTEN?
DON'T TRY TO TRIP ME UP, SPARKY.
NO, THANK YOU.
I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON...
LOLLIPOPS.
OH, THANK YOU.
UH, BUT TELL ME
WHY DO YOU CALL PEOPLE SPARKY?
IT MAKES THEM SMILE.
RIGHT, SPARKY?
YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT
WITH YOUR PATIENTS.
OH, WELL...
I'M NOT SURE HOW WARMLY
THAT WOULD BE EMBRACED
BY THOSE UNDERGOING
ELECTROSHOCK.
UM, ANYWAY, YOUR SON TELLS
ME THAT YOU RECENTLY SOLD
SOME PROPERTY AT A
FRACTION OF ITS VALUE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TERRIFIC YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE
HAD THEIR HEARTS SET ON
IT BUT COULDN'T AFFORD IT
SO I HELPED THEM OUT.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH HELPING PEOPLE.
HE ALSO INFORMS ME THAT
YOU RECENTLY INDULGED
IN AN UNORTHODOX, NOT TO
MENTION HAZARDOUS, MODE OF TRAVEL.
THAT POMPOUS WEENIE.
THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW HE WOULD PUT IT.
ACTUALLY, THAT WAS MY WORDING.
WELL, I HOPPED A
FREIGHT, RODE THE RAILS.
WHY NOT PURCHASE A
TICKET AND RIDE IN A CLUB CAR?
WHERE'S THE ADVENTURE IN THAT?
I'M 78.
SOMEDAY I'LL BE TOO OLD
TO JUMP OFF A MOVING TRAIN.
YOU'VE GOT TO LIVE OUT
YOUR FANTASIES WHILE YOU CAN.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
I THINK I CAN.
MR. SAFFORD
WHAT YOU'VE SAID MAKES
A GREAT DEAL OF SENSE.
BEFORE WE GO ON, THERE'S
SOMETHING I HAVE TO ASK YOU.
SHOOT.
IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING.
I CAN TAKE IT.
OKAY.
CAN I SLIDE DOWN THAT POLE?
FOLLOW ME, SPARKY.
[FRASIER] DAD, ARE YOU GOING
TO WATCH SOMETHING NOW?
THE CHAMPIONSHIP FIGHT
BUT DON'T WORRY,
I'M USING EARPHONES.
I WON'T BOTHER ANYONE.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN A BOTHER...
MAKING ME HIDE THE SPORTS
SECTION SO HE WON'T SEE IT
MAKING ME TURN THE NEWS OFF
BECAUSE THEY MIGHT SAY WHO WON.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THE FIGHT WAS LAST NIGHT.
IT WAS ON PAY TV
BUT ONE OF MY POLICE BUDDIES
HAS A PIRATE ANTENNA
SO HE TAPED IT AND
THEY MESSENGERED ONE
TO ME IN AN ENVELOPE
MARKED "OFFICIAL BUSINESS."
ANOTHER INSPIRING TALE OF
OUR MEN IN LAW ENFORCEMENT.
WHY YOU WALKING FUNNY?
WELL, SUFFICE IT TO
SAY I LEARNED TODAY
IT IS UNWISE TO SLIDE
REPEATEDLY DOWN A FIRE POLE
WEARING WOOLEN TROUSERS.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
DAPHNE, WOULD
YOU..? I'LL GET IT.
THANK YOU.
EVENING, DAPHNE.
OH. DR. CRANE.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
LAST NIGHT'S BOXING MATCH.
YOUR DAD HASN'T SEEN IT YET.
OH, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IT WAS BOXING SEASON.
WELL, DID EVERYONE SEE
MY MENTION IN THIS
MORNING'S PAPER?
I'M AFRAID I MISSED THAT.
WELL, SMALL WONDER.
THEY BURIED IT ALL THE
WAY BACK ON PAGE 32.
IT'S NEXT TO THE SPORTS SECTION.
GET THAT OUT OF HERE!
LET ME SEE. RIGHT THERE.
OH, "COURT TV THIS WEEK
"WILL FEATURE THE
CAPACITY HEARING
"OF NOTED TIMBER
BARON HARLOW SAFFORD.
"TESTIFYING ON
BEHALF OF THE FAMILY
"WILL BE DR. NILES CRANE
"EMINENT PSYCHIATRIST
"AUTHOR AND LEADING
AUTHORITY ON CLINICAL PSYCHOSIS.
DR. CRANE IS ALSO
THE BROTHER OF..."
YATTA-YATTA. THE REST IS FILLER.
NILES
I HAVE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
JUST AFTER THE SHOW TODAY
I WAS VISITED BY A MAN
NAMED MR. GIROUX.
HE ASKED ME TO
REPRESENT MR. SAFFORD.
WHAT?!
I'M SORRY.
GIVEN YOUR
INVOLVEMENT, I DECLINED.
OH. THANK GOD.
BUT I DID AGREE
TO SEE IF I CONCURRED
WITH YOUR ANALYSIS
AND SPEAK TO MR. SAFFORD.
WHAT?!
HEY, KEEP IT DOWN!
I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT I FOUND HARLOW SAFFORD...
TO BE OF COMPLETELY SOUND MIND
AND DON'T SAY "WHAT?!"
WHY?!
QUIET!
PERHAPS IT'D BE BETTER IF
WE SPOKE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
YOU COULDN'T STAND THAT I HAD
A HIGH-PROFILE CASE, COULD YOU?
YOU HAD TO BUTT IN!
I DON'T WANT YOU TO
MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.
THEY ASKED FOR MY EXPERTISE.
HA! THEY WERE
UNDOUBTEDLY EXPLOITING
YOUR DUBIOUS CELEBRITY.
OF WHICH YOU ARE JEALOUS
AND, I FEAR, THE REASON
YOU TOOK THIS CASE.
THAT IS FLATLY UNTRUE.
I TOOK THE CASE
TO HELP THE FAMILY!
AND BE ON TV! I
DON'T CARE ABOUT TV!
WELL, SOME OF US DO!
NILES, YOU MADE A HASTY JUDGMENT
AND I AM SORRY, BUT
YOU WERE WRONG.
NOW WE SEE WHY
YOU GOT INVOLVED...
SO BIG BROTHER COULD BE RIGHT
AND LITTLE NILES COULD BE WRONG
WHICH I'M NOT!
OH, YOUR PATHETIC
CHILDHOOD ISSUES
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
FACE IT, YOU WERE
WRONG. WRONG! WRONG!
WRONG!
OH! OH! OH!
[RADIO PLAYING MUSIC]
THIS FROM
MR. QUICK-FIX, THE MASTER
OF THE IN-DEPTH, ONE-MINUTE,
PHONE-CALL DIAGNOSIS.
I SPENT HOURS WITH MR. SAFFORD
AND FOUND HIS BEHAVIOR...
WILDLY IRRATIONAL.
HE'S A LIP-DIDDLING LOON.
[VOLUME INCREASES]
SLIGHTLY SPONTANEOUS
IS ABERRANT.
RIDICULOUS, THE
MAN'S INCOMPETENT.
I'M WARNING YOU. IF YOU
SAY THAT IN A COURTROOM
YOU WILL DAMAGE
YOURSELF PROFESSIONALLY.
I'M TESTIFYING, AND
YOU'RE NOT STOPPING ME!
THEN I HAVE TO
TESTIFY AGAINST YOU!
THEN I'LL SEE YOU IN
COURT! I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!
GOOD! GOOD!
HEY!!
DAPHNE, PLEASE.
TURN DOWN THAT RADIO.
DAD IS TRYING TO WATCH A FIGHT.
[FRASIER] SO, HOW
ARE YOU HOLDING UP?
[SAFFORD] OH, I'M FINE.
I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO
TAKE MONEY FOR HELPING ME
BUT AT LEAST LET
ME MAKE A DONATION
TO YOUR FAVORITE CHARITY.
WELL...
IT WAS MY DUTY
NOT TO MENTION A
PLEASURE, TO HELP YOU
BUT IF YOU'D LIKE TO
DONATE SOMETHING
WHY DON'T YOU SELECT A CHARITY
OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING?
FAIR ENOUGH.
GOOD.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, NILES.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO ASK THEM
TO PUT A BIG BLUE BALL
IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE
DURING THE BROADCAST.
PERHAPS IT WOULD SPARE YOU
SOME SHRED OF YOUR REPUTATION.
I'D LAUGH IN YOUR FACE,
BUT I'M SAVING MY VOICE.
[CLEARING THROAT]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE WEARING MAKEUP.
I AM NOT.
THIS IS... MEDICATION.
SOMETHING MY
DERMATOLOGIST RECOMMENDED.
DR. REVLON?
THESE FEEBLE ATTEMPTS
TO UNDERMINE MY
CONFIDENCE ARE FUTILE.
THE TESTIMONY I'VE PREPARED
IS NOTHING SHORT OF BRILLIANT.
I CITE HALF A DOZEN
STUDIES OF GERONTOLOGY.
I QUOTE EVERYTHING FROM
THE BIBLE TO HERODOTUS.
I DEFTLY INTERWEAVE
HUMOR WITH PATHOS.
YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE NOTES.
AND IF YOU HAD AN
OUNCE OF SELF-AWARENESS
YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT
YOUR DIAGNOSIS WAS COLORED
BY YOUR ZEAL TO PUT YOUR FACE
IN FRONT OF THAT CAMERA.
OH, BY THE WAY.
YOUR MEDICATION IS
RUBBING OFF ON YOUR COLLAR.
[BAILIFF] ALL RISE.
COURT IS IN SESSION.
JUDGE RICHARD
MCCARRON PRESIDING.
HELLO, YOUR HONOR.
[MCCARRON] BE SEATED.
GOOD MORNING. HAS
EVERYONE BEEN SWORN IN?
YES, YOUR HONOR.
WELL, I SEE WE HAVE TWO
DR. CRANES TESTIFYING TODAY.
MR. GIROUX...
I THINK WE'LL HEAR
FROM YOUR AUTHORITY FIRST.
I ASSUME THE OTHER DR. CRANE
HAS NO OBJECTION TO
THAT ARRANGEMENT?
NONE WHATSOEVER, YOUR HONOR.
I'M OVER HERE
DR. CRANE.
YOUR HONOR, UH...
I WOULD NOT PRESUME
TO BORE THE COURT
WITH A RECITATION
OF DRY STATISTICS
GERONTOLOGY STUDIES
OBSCURE LITERARY REFERENCES.
INSTEAD, I INTEND
TO SPEAK FROM THE HEART.
I WORRY ABOUT A SOCIETY
THAT HAS CHOSEN TO DEFINE
NORMALCY IN SUCH NARROW TERMS
THAT IF SOMEONE'S BEHAVIOR
DEVIATES EVER SO SLIGHTLY
WE QUESTION HIS CAPACITY
TO FUNCTION.
MR. SAFFORD'S SEEMING
ECCENTRICITIES...
HIS LOVE OF TRAINS, HIS...
HIS GENEROSITY... THEY CAN
ALL BE READILY EXPLAINED.
[SAFFORD] DIABETES!
MR. SAFFORD?
I WAS TALKING TO SPARKY.
UH...
DID YOU SAY DIABETES?
YES.
WE'LL DONATE THE
MONEY TO DIABETES.
THOSE POOR PEOPLE
CAN'T EAT SUGAR.
FINE. FINE.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
AFTERWARD.
[MCCARRON] MAY WE CONTINUE
DR. CRANE?
MY APOLOGIES, YOUR HONOR.
MR. SAFFORD AND
I WERE DISCUSSING
A VERY SIZABLE DONATION
HE INTENDS TO MAKE
LATER TODAY TO A
VERY WORTHY CAUSE.
YES, HIS ENTHUSIASM
JUST GOT THE BEST OF HIM
BUT IT IS THIS VERY GENEROSITY
THAT HIS SON FINDS
SO OBJECTIONABLE...
THAT AND THE FACT THAT
HE DID HOP A FREIGHT TRAIN
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
BUT, YOU SEE, WHAT
HE SEES AS UNSTABLE
I SEE AS... ROMANTIC.
[TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
I-I DON'T SUPPOSE
THERE'S A RAILROAD TRACK
OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM.
[BLOWING WHISTLE]
DOESN'T MR. SAFFORD
DESERVE TO BE
A BIT OF A FREE SPIRIT
AFTER THE YEARS OF
HIS DEMANDING CAREER?
A CAREER IN WHICH HE WORE...
MANY HATS.
THE HAT OF A FATHER
A PHILANTHROPIST
A C.E.O...
SAFFORD: ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD!
GET YOUR TICKETS READY.
HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.
HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.
IN THE END, IT ALL
COMES DOWN TO THIS:
CAN WE REALLY CONDEMN
A MAN FOR MAINTAINING
A CHILDLIKE JOIE DE VIVRE
EVEN IN HIS TWILIGHT YEARS?
THANK YOU.
ALL ABOARD FOR
THE COAST EXPRESS.
YES, MAKING STOPS
IN TACOMA, OLYMPIA
PORTLAND AND SALEM
AND THE NEXT STOP IS...
I THINK I KNOW WHERE YOUR
NEXT STOP IS GOING TO BE.
NOW, LOOK, NILES
BEFORE YOU START GLOATING
LET ME JUST SAY THIS.
YOU WERE RIGHT. I WAS WRONG.
BIG DEAL.
THE WORLD NEVER GOT A CHANCE
TO HEAR ME BEING RIGHT.
I SUPPOSE BY NOW IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT WHAT YOU WERE
SAYING ALL ALONG WAS TRUE.
I DO...
ENVY YOUR FAME.
WELL, PERHAPS
THIS PUBLIC HUMILIATION
WILL CURE ME OF MY
DAMNED COMPETITIVENESS.
OH...
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I HUMILIATED MYSELF FAR
MORE THAN YOU DID TODAY.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU
DIDN'T SEE THE WAY
I WAS WHORING
AFTER THAT TV CAMERA.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU DIDN'T
SEE HOW I WAS TAP DANCING
LIKE AN ORGAN GRINDER'S MONKEY.
YES, WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE
BEEN TARRED AND FEATHERED.
I MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE BEEN PILLORIED.
I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN...
OH, STOP IT, NILES!
WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
NILES, YOU...
YOU HAVE NO REASON
TO FEEL BADLY.
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE RECOGNIZED
FOR SOMETHING THEY'RE GOOD AT
AND YOU...
ARE A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST.
THANK YOU, FRASIER.
SOMETHING I CAN'T REALLY
LAY CLAIM TO AFTER TODAY.
HOW COULD I HAVE SO
MISJUDGED THAT MAN?
HE'S UNDENIABLY CHARMING
FOR ONE THING.
HE CAN BE LUCID FOR
LONG STRETCHES OF TIME.
YES, BUT YOU WEREN'T FOOLED.
SOMEHOW YOU PICKED
UP ON SOME TINY CLUE
THAT I MISSED.
YOU REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS?
YES.
MIDWAY THROUGH OUR INTERVIEW
HE TOOK OFF HIS TROUSERS
AND TRIED TO PUT
THEM ON THE CAT.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO THINK
THAT I MIGHT HAVE PICKED
UP ON THAT ONE TOO.
STILL...
FRASIER?
YOU'VE ALWAYS APPROACHED LIFE
WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.
IT'S A QUALITY I
ADMIRE OF YOURS.
PERHAPS YOUR
JUDGMENT WAS CLOUDED
BY YOUR DESIRE TO SEE OLD AGE
NOT AS A TIME OF
INEVITABLE DECLINE
BUT AS A TIME WHEN
ONE'S CHILDHOOD PASSIONS
AND FANTASIES CAN BE REBORN.
THANK YOU, NILES.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
CHEER ME UP RIGHT NOW?
WHAT?
TO HEAR THAT SUMMATION
YOU NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO GIVE.
REALLY? YES.
YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING
THAT? DO YOU CARE?
NO. ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'M THE JUDGE. I'M THE JUDGE.
OKAY, YOU BE THE JUDGE.
[DEEP VOICE] ALL RISE.
YES. HERE WE ARE.
HAVE WE BEEN SWORN IN?
YES, WE HAVE, YOUR HONOR.
DR. CRANE, PROCEED.
YOUR HONOR...
I BELIEVE IT WAS
HERODOTUS WHO SAID:
"CIRCUMSTANCES RULE MEN.
MEN DO NOT RULE CIRCUMSTANCES."
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
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HOW DOES HE ALWAYS
HEAR ME?
DAPHNE: HE DOESN'T.
HE SWINGS THROUGH
EVERY 20 MINUTES.
YOU'LL BE EATING
SOME KIND OF JUNK.
WELL, I DON'T WANT
HIM EATING THESE.
THEN DO WHAT I DO
WHEN I WANT EDDIE AWAY FROM ME.
I MAKE A SOUND LIKE LA-LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.
THAT'S MEAN.
WHY? IT DOESN'T
REALLY HURT HIS EARS.
HE JUST FINDS CERTAIN
NOISES IRRITATING.
[SINGING OPERA]
THAT WAS
THE MOST RIVETING
PRODUCTION OF WAGNER
I HAVE SEEN THIS SEASON.
I STILL HAVE GOOSE BUMPS
FROM WHEN KLINGSOR
SUMMONED KUNDRY
WITH A TERRIBLE CRY
AND ORDERED HER
TO SEDUCE PARSIFAL.
"HA! ER IST SHUN DER KNABE!"
WELL, I HAD A PRETTY
GOOD NIGHT TOO.
TOOK MYSELF A NICE HOT BATH.
AND REMEMBER THAT
CORN I HAD ON MY TOE?
WELL, IT GOT SO SOFT I WAS
JUST ABLE TO PEEL IT RIGHT OFF.
IT'S GOING TO BE DIFFICULT
FOR ME TO TOP THAT
BUT I HAVE SOME RATHER
EXCITING NEWS MYSELF.
YOU'RE ALL FAMILIAR
WITH THE SAFFORD CASE
THAT'S BEEN IN THE
PAPERS RECENTLY?
THAT SCUM-SUCKING JERK
TRYING TO GET HIS
FATHER COMMITTED?
YES, WELL, GUESS
WHO'S BEEN RETAINED
BY THAT SCUM-SUCKING JERK?
I'M GOING TO BE TESTIFYING
AT MR. SAFFORD'S
CAPACITY HEARING.
YOU'RE GOING TO HELP
SELL THAT OLD GUY
DOWN THE RIVER?
NILES: NOT AT ALL.
MR. SAFFORD IS UNBALANCED.
HIS SON IS WORRIED
SICK ABOUT HIM.
HIS SON'S WORRIED
HE'S NOT GOING TO GET HIS HANDS
ON HIS FATHER'S FORTUNE.
THE MINUTE A MAN
STARTS GETTING UP THERE
HIS KIDS START MAKING
PLANS TO DIVVY UP HIS STUFF.
YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW
THAT NILES AND I HAVE DECIDED
TO GIVE ALL YOUR
THINGS TO CHARITY.
WE'RE DONATING YOUR
CLOTHES TO THE BLIND.
MARTIN: WELL, IT'S
JUST NOT RIGHT.
A BUNCH OF MONEYGRUBBERS
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
TRYING TO DECLARE THIS
POOR OLD GUY INSANE.
FOR STARTERS, IT'S NOT
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.
THE ENTIRE PROCEEDING WILL
BE BROADCAST ON COURT TV.
OH, GREAT.
WHAT FATHER DOESN'T LOOK FORWARD
TO THE DAY HE GATHERS
HIS FRIENDS AROUND THE TV
AND SAYS, "HEY, THAT'S MY BOY,
THE ONE MAKING THE OLD MAN CRY."
DAD, I'M SURE NILES
IS ONLY DOING THIS
TO PROTECT MR. SAFFORD
FROM HIMSELF.
OLD AGE DOESN'T
HAVE TO BE THAT WAY.
MY GREAT AUNT BERYL
LIVED WELL INTO HER 90S
AND HER MIND NEVER FAILED HER.
OF COURSE, SHE LOST
HER EYESIGHT IN HER 70S
AND HER BALANCE IN HER 80S.
BY THE END
WE SPENT MOST OF OUR
TIME PROPPING HER UP
AND PUTTING ANOTHER
BANDAGE ON HER FOREHEAD.
OH, BUT BLESS HER HEART
SHE COULD ALWAYS TELL
YOU JUST HOW IT HAPPENED.
WELL, SAFFORD IS
CLEARLY IRRATIONAL.
RECENTLY, HE WANDERED OFF.
THEY FOUND HIM TWO DAYS LATER
RIDING ACROSS WYOMING
IN A BOXCAR FULL OF BUMS.
HE'S SELLING OFF PROPERTY
FOR HALF ITS WORTH
AND MOST DAMNING OF ALL,
WHEN I WENT OVER TO EVALUATE HIM
HE CONTINUALLY REFERRED
TO ME AS "SPARKY."
NILES, YOU ALWAYS
WANTED TO HAVE A NICKNAME.
YOU REMEMBER YOUR CAMPAIGN
TO HAVE THE STRING SECTION
OF THE YOUTH ORCHESTRA
CALL YOU "ROCKY"?
IT WOULD HAVE WORKED,
TOO, IF TILLY FARADAY
HADN'T PINNED ME TO THE GROUND
WITH HER TROMBONE
WHEN I REBUKED HER
FOR NEGLECTING TO
EMPTY HER SPIT VALVE.
WELL, I STILL THINK PICKING
ON THE OLD MAN STINKS.
GOD HELP YOU IF YOU'RE
OVER 50 AND YOU DO ANYTHING
THAT SEEMS THE LEAST
BIT ODD TO YOUR FAMILY.
LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA...
[WOMAN] I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S
HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HIS SECRETARY.
HAVE YOU TALKED TO YOUR HUSBAND
AND HEARD HIS SIDE OF THE STORY?
NO.
IT DOES SEEM THAT YOUR
FEARS MAY BE WELL-FOUNDED
BUT YOU SHOULD TALK TO YOUR
HUSBAND BEFORE YOU COME
TO ANY FINAL CONCLUSIONS.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE,
WISHING YOU A GOOD DAY
AND GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.
HERE ARE THOSE P.S.A.S.
WE'LL DO THEM TOMORROW
BEFORE THE SHOW.
THANK YOU, ROZ.
ROZ, WHY IS THAT LIGHT STILL ON?
IS THAT BETH WHO I
WAS JUST TALKING TO?
YES, IT IS. NO.
NO, IT ISN'T. YES, IT IS.
HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING TO BETH?
OF COURSE NOT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK...
I'M GIVING ADVICE
TO YOUR CALLERS?
YOU ARE SO PARANOID.
THE WORLD IS FULL OF ENEMIES.
EVERYBODY'S
PLOTTING AGAINST YOU.
THERE'S A MAN IN A DARK
TRENCH COAT RIGHT BEHIND YOU.
HO-HO, VERY DROLL.
DR. CRANE?
I'M JOHN GIROUX.
I WORK FOR HARLOW SAFFORD.
THERE'S BEEN SOME MISTAKE.
IT'S MY BROTHER WHO'S
CONNECTED WITH THE CASE.
MR. SAFFORD FEELS HE'S THE
VICTIM OF A GRAVE INJUSTICE.
HE'S AN ARDENT FAN OF YOUR SHOW
AND FEELS YOU'RE THE
ONLY MAN WHO CAN HELP HIM.
GIVEN MY BROTHER'S
CONNECTION WITH THE CASE
IT WOULDN'T BE PRUDENT
FOR ME TO GET INVOLVED.
WON'T YOU AT LEAST
TALK TO MY CLIENT
AND JUDGE HIM BY HIS
WORDS AND HIS ACTIONS
NOT BY HOW OLD HE IS?
YOU SOUND LIKE MY FATHER...
A MAN WHO BELIEVES THAT BURIAL
IS A FORM OF AGE DISCRIMINATION.
IF YOU STOP BY THIS
EVENING, I'M CONVINCED
YOU'LL FIND MR. SAFFORD
IS COMPLETELY COMPETENT.
EVEN IF YOU WON'T
TESTIFY ON HIS BEHALF
PERHAPS YOU COULD
GET YOUR BROTHER
TO RECONSIDER HIS TESTIMONY.
IT'S UNLIKELY THAT
I WOULD DISAGREE
WITH MY BROTHER'S OPINION.
I REALLY ADMIRED YOUR
ADVICE TO THAT LAST CALLER...
YOU KNOW, ABOUT NOT JUDGING
SOMEONE UNTIL YOU'VE HEARD
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.
YOU'RE A GOOD
LAWYER, MR. GIROUX.
MR. SAFFORD ONLY
SEEKS OUT THE VERY BEST.
I'LL SEE YOU AT 7:00?
THE ADDRESS IS ON
THE BACK OF MY CARD.
I DON'T CARE WHAT
DR. CRANE SAID.
YOU START TALKING
TO YOUR HUSBAND
AND HE'LL START
COVERING HIS TRACKS.
[CLEARS THROAT]
GET A DETECTIVE NOW.
YOU WERE TALKING
TO MY LAST CALLER.
I SWEAR; IT'S THE
FIRST AND LAST TIME.
I WILL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
I HOPE NOT.
THANKS FOR HOLDING, BILL.
I'M LISTENING.
ENJOY YOUR TOUR?
UH... YES, YES.
THAT'S QUITE A MODEL RAILROAD
MR. SAFFORD HAS RUNNING
THROUGH THE GROUNDS.
I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE
ON QUITE THAT SCALE.
IT'S IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?
YES, ESPECIALLY WHEN
IT'S BEARING DOWN ON YOU.
I GOT MY HEELS STUCK
IN THE SOFT GRASS.
I BARELY MADE THE CROSSING.
TELL ME
HOW OFTEN DOES MR. SAFFORD
PLAY WITH HIS TRAIN?
JUST THE WEEKENDS
WHEN HE GIVES RIDES TO
UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN.
VERY ADMIRABLE.
THERE'S A LOT YOU DON'T
KNOW ABOUT HIM, DR. CRANE.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.
YES, WELL, I PROMISE TO
CONSIDER ALL THE EVIDENCE
BEFORE I ARRIVE AT A CONCLUSION.
YEE-HAH!
I THINK I'VE ARRIVED.
HIYA, SPARKY.
I'M HARLOW SAFFORD.
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER SEEN
A FIRE POLE IN A HOME BEFORE.
IT SAVES A LOT OF TIME
EXCEPT FOR GOING UP, OF COURSE.
AND, UH, THE HAT?
OH, THAT'S JUST FOR LAUGHS.
TRY IT ON.
I DON'T THINK I SHOULD.
COME ON.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I GUESS IT IS SORT
OF FUN, ISN'T IT?
NOT ON YOU.
SO, DO YOU THINK
YOU CAN CONVINCE
MY SELF-RIGHTEOUS
SON THAT I'M NOT NUTS?
OH, I THINK "NUTS"
IS A LITTLE STRONG.
HE MUST HAVE MEANT THAT
YOUR BEHAVIOR MIGHT SEEM
TO BE A LITTLE UNCONVENTIONAL.
GOOD. I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE
BEING CONVENTIONAL, AND ONE DAY
I SAID TO MYSELF, "HARLOW,
YOU'RE NOT HAVING ANY FUN."
DO YOU... SPEAK TO
YOURSELF OFTEN?
DON'T TRY TO TRIP ME UP, SPARKY.
NO, THANK YOU.
I'M TRYING TO CUT DOWN ON...
LOLLIPOPS.
OH, THANK YOU.
UH, BUT TELL ME
WHY DO YOU CALL PEOPLE SPARKY?
IT MAKES THEM SMILE.
RIGHT, SPARKY?
YOU OUGHT TO TRY IT
WITH YOUR PATIENTS.
OH, WELL...
I'M NOT SURE HOW WARMLY
THAT WOULD BE EMBRACED
BY THOSE UNDERGOING
ELECTROSHOCK.
UM, ANYWAY, YOUR SON TELLS
ME THAT YOU RECENTLY SOLD
SOME PROPERTY AT A
FRACTION OF ITS VALUE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
TERRIFIC YOUNG MARRIED COUPLE
HAD THEIR HEARTS SET ON
IT BUT COULDN'T AFFORD IT
SO I HELPED THEM OUT.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG
WITH HELPING PEOPLE.
HE ALSO INFORMS ME THAT
YOU RECENTLY INDULGED
IN AN UNORTHODOX, NOT TO
MENTION HAZARDOUS, MODE OF TRAVEL.
THAT POMPOUS WEENIE.
THAT'S EXACTLY
HOW HE WOULD PUT IT.
ACTUALLY, THAT WAS MY WORDING.
WELL, I HOPPED A
FREIGHT, RODE THE RAILS.
WHY NOT PURCHASE A
TICKET AND RIDE IN A CLUB CAR?
WHERE'S THE ADVENTURE IN THAT?
I'M 78.
SOMEDAY I'LL BE TOO OLD
TO JUMP OFF A MOVING TRAIN.
YOU'VE GOT TO LIVE OUT
YOUR FANTASIES WHILE YOU CAN.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
I THINK I CAN.
MR. SAFFORD
WHAT YOU'VE SAID MAKES
A GREAT DEAL OF SENSE.
BEFORE WE GO ON, THERE'S
SOMETHING I HAVE TO ASK YOU.
SHOOT.
IT'S A LITTLE EMBARRASSING.
I CAN TAKE IT.
OKAY.
CAN I SLIDE DOWN THAT POLE?
FOLLOW ME, SPARKY.
[FRASIER] DAD, ARE YOU GOING
TO WATCH SOMETHING NOW?
THE CHAMPIONSHIP FIGHT
BUT DON'T WORRY,
I'M USING EARPHONES.
I WON'T BOTHER ANYONE.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN A BOTHER...
MAKING ME HIDE THE SPORTS
SECTION SO HE WON'T SEE IT
MAKING ME TURN THE NEWS OFF
BECAUSE THEY MIGHT SAY WHO WON.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WELL, THE FIGHT WAS LAST NIGHT.
IT WAS ON PAY TV
BUT ONE OF MY POLICE BUDDIES
HAS A PIRATE ANTENNA
SO HE TAPED IT AND
THEY MESSENGERED ONE
TO ME IN AN ENVELOPE
MARKED "OFFICIAL BUSINESS."
ANOTHER INSPIRING TALE OF
OUR MEN IN LAW ENFORCEMENT.
WHY YOU WALKING FUNNY?
WELL, SUFFICE IT TO
SAY I LEARNED TODAY
IT IS UNWISE TO SLIDE
REPEATEDLY DOWN A FIRE POLE
WEARING WOOLEN TROUSERS.
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
DAPHNE, WOULD
YOU..? I'LL GET IT.
THANK YOU.
EVENING, DAPHNE.
OH. DR. CRANE.
DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT
LAST NIGHT'S BOXING MATCH.
YOUR DAD HASN'T SEEN IT YET.
OH, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
IT WAS BOXING SEASON.
WELL, DID EVERYONE SEE
MY MENTION IN THIS
MORNING'S PAPER?
I'M AFRAID I MISSED THAT.
WELL, SMALL WONDER.
THEY BURIED IT ALL THE
WAY BACK ON PAGE 32.
IT'S NEXT TO THE SPORTS SECTION.
GET THAT OUT OF HERE!
LET ME SEE. RIGHT THERE.
OH, "COURT TV THIS WEEK
"WILL FEATURE THE
CAPACITY HEARING
"OF NOTED TIMBER
BARON HARLOW SAFFORD.
"TESTIFYING ON
BEHALF OF THE FAMILY
"WILL BE DR. NILES CRANE
"EMINENT PSYCHIATRIST
"AUTHOR AND LEADING
AUTHORITY ON CLINICAL PSYCHOSIS.
DR. CRANE IS ALSO
THE BROTHER OF..."
YATTA-YATTA. THE REST IS FILLER.
NILES
I HAVE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
JUST AFTER THE SHOW TODAY
I WAS VISITED BY A MAN
NAMED MR. GIROUX.
HE ASKED ME TO
REPRESENT MR. SAFFORD.
WHAT?!
I'M SORRY.
GIVEN YOUR
INVOLVEMENT, I DECLINED.
OH. THANK GOD.
BUT I DID AGREE
TO SEE IF I CONCURRED
WITH YOUR ANALYSIS
AND SPEAK TO MR. SAFFORD.
WHAT?!
HEY, KEEP IT DOWN!
I JUST HAVE TO TELL YOU
THAT I FOUND HARLOW SAFFORD...
TO BE OF COMPLETELY SOUND MIND
AND DON'T SAY "WHAT?!"
WHY?!
QUIET!
PERHAPS IT'D BE BETTER IF
WE SPOKE SOMEWHERE ELSE.
YOU COULDN'T STAND THAT I HAD
A HIGH-PROFILE CASE, COULD YOU?
YOU HAD TO BUTT IN!
I DON'T WANT YOU TO
MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF.
THEY ASKED FOR MY EXPERTISE.
HA! THEY WERE
UNDOUBTEDLY EXPLOITING
YOUR DUBIOUS CELEBRITY.
OF WHICH YOU ARE JEALOUS
AND, I FEAR, THE REASON
YOU TOOK THIS CASE.
THAT IS FLATLY UNTRUE.
I TOOK THE CASE
TO HELP THE FAMILY!
AND BE ON TV! I
DON'T CARE ABOUT TV!
WELL, SOME OF US DO!
NILES, YOU MADE A HASTY JUDGMENT
AND I AM SORRY, BUT
YOU WERE WRONG.
NOW WE SEE WHY
YOU GOT INVOLVED...
SO BIG BROTHER COULD BE RIGHT
AND LITTLE NILES COULD BE WRONG
WHICH I'M NOT!
OH, YOUR PATHETIC
CHILDHOOD ISSUES
HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
FACE IT, YOU WERE
WRONG. WRONG! WRONG!
WRONG!
OH! OH! OH!
[RADIO PLAYING MUSIC]
THIS FROM
MR. QUICK-FIX, THE MASTER
OF THE IN-DEPTH, ONE-MINUTE,
PHONE-CALL DIAGNOSIS.
I SPENT HOURS WITH MR. SAFFORD
AND FOUND HIS BEHAVIOR...
WILDLY IRRATIONAL.
HE'S A LIP-DIDDLING LOON.
[VOLUME INCREASES]
SLIGHTLY SPONTANEOUS
IS ABERRANT.
RIDICULOUS, THE
MAN'S INCOMPETENT.
I'M WARNING YOU. IF YOU
SAY THAT IN A COURTROOM
YOU WILL DAMAGE
YOURSELF PROFESSIONALLY.
I'M TESTIFYING, AND
YOU'RE NOT STOPPING ME!
THEN I HAVE TO
TESTIFY AGAINST YOU!
THEN I'LL SEE YOU IN
COURT! I LOOK FORWARD TO IT!
GOOD! GOOD!
HEY!!
DAPHNE, PLEASE.
TURN DOWN THAT RADIO.
DAD IS TRYING TO WATCH A FIGHT.
[FRASIER] SO, HOW
ARE YOU HOLDING UP?
[SAFFORD] OH, I'M FINE.
I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO
TAKE MONEY FOR HELPING ME
BUT AT LEAST LET
ME MAKE A DONATION
TO YOUR FAVORITE CHARITY.
WELL...
IT WAS MY DUTY
NOT TO MENTION A
PLEASURE, TO HELP YOU
BUT IF YOU'D LIKE TO
DONATE SOMETHING
WHY DON'T YOU SELECT A CHARITY
OF YOUR OWN CHOOSING?
FAIR ENOUGH.
GOOD.
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO, NILES.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO ASK THEM
TO PUT A BIG BLUE BALL
IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE
DURING THE BROADCAST.
PERHAPS IT WOULD SPARE YOU
SOME SHRED OF YOUR REPUTATION.
I'D LAUGH IN YOUR FACE,
BUT I'M SAVING MY VOICE.
[CLEARING THROAT]
OH, MY GOD.
YOU'RE WEARING MAKEUP.
I AM NOT.
THIS IS... MEDICATION.
SOMETHING MY
DERMATOLOGIST RECOMMENDED.
DR. REVLON?
THESE FEEBLE ATTEMPTS
TO UNDERMINE MY
CONFIDENCE ARE FUTILE.
THE TESTIMONY I'VE PREPARED
IS NOTHING SHORT OF BRILLIANT.
I CITE HALF A DOZEN
STUDIES OF GERONTOLOGY.
I QUOTE EVERYTHING FROM
THE BIBLE TO HERODOTUS.
I DEFTLY INTERWEAVE
HUMOR WITH PATHOS.
YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE NOTES.
AND IF YOU HAD AN
OUNCE OF SELF-AWARENESS
YOU WOULD REALIZE THAT
YOUR DIAGNOSIS WAS COLORED
BY YOUR ZEAL TO PUT YOUR FACE
IN FRONT OF THAT CAMERA.
OH, BY THE WAY.
YOUR MEDICATION IS
RUBBING OFF ON YOUR COLLAR.
[BAILIFF] ALL RISE.
COURT IS IN SESSION.
JUDGE RICHARD
MCCARRON PRESIDING.
HELLO, YOUR HONOR.
[MCCARRON] BE SEATED.
GOOD MORNING. HAS
EVERYONE BEEN SWORN IN?
YES, YOUR HONOR.
WELL, I SEE WE HAVE TWO
DR. CRANES TESTIFYING TODAY.
MR. GIROUX...
I THINK WE'LL HEAR
FROM YOUR AUTHORITY FIRST.
I ASSUME THE OTHER DR. CRANE
HAS NO OBJECTION TO
THAT ARRANGEMENT?
NONE WHATSOEVER, YOUR HONOR.
I'M OVER HERE
DR. CRANE.
YOUR HONOR, UH...
I WOULD NOT PRESUME
TO BORE THE COURT
WITH A RECITATION
OF DRY STATISTICS
GERONTOLOGY STUDIES
OBSCURE LITERARY REFERENCES.
INSTEAD, I INTEND
TO SPEAK FROM THE HEART.
I WORRY ABOUT A SOCIETY
THAT HAS CHOSEN TO DEFINE
NORMALCY IN SUCH NARROW TERMS
THAT IF SOMEONE'S BEHAVIOR
DEVIATES EVER SO SLIGHTLY
WE QUESTION HIS CAPACITY
TO FUNCTION.
MR. SAFFORD'S SEEMING
ECCENTRICITIES...
HIS LOVE OF TRAINS, HIS...
HIS GENEROSITY... THEY CAN
ALL BE READILY EXPLAINED.
[SAFFORD] DIABETES!
MR. SAFFORD?
I WAS TALKING TO SPARKY.
UH...
DID YOU SAY DIABETES?
YES.
WE'LL DONATE THE
MONEY TO DIABETES.
THOSE POOR PEOPLE
CAN'T EAT SUGAR.
FINE. FINE.
WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT
AFTERWARD.
[MCCARRON] MAY WE CONTINUE
DR. CRANE?
MY APOLOGIES, YOUR HONOR.
MR. SAFFORD AND
I WERE DISCUSSING
A VERY SIZABLE DONATION
HE INTENDS TO MAKE
LATER TODAY TO A
VERY WORTHY CAUSE.
YES, HIS ENTHUSIASM
JUST GOT THE BEST OF HIM
BUT IT IS THIS VERY GENEROSITY
THAT HIS SON FINDS
SO OBJECTIONABLE...
THAT AND THE FACT THAT
HE DID HOP A FREIGHT TRAIN
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
BUT, YOU SEE, WHAT
HE SEES AS UNSTABLE
I SEE AS... ROMANTIC.
[TOY TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]
I-I DON'T SUPPOSE
THERE'S A RAILROAD TRACK
OUTSIDE THE COURTROOM.
[BLOWING WHISTLE]
DOESN'T MR. SAFFORD
DESERVE TO BE
A BIT OF A FREE SPIRIT
AFTER THE YEARS OF
HIS DEMANDING CAREER?
A CAREER IN WHICH HE WORE...
MANY HATS.
THE HAT OF A FATHER
A PHILANTHROPIST
A C.E.O...
SAFFORD: ALL ABOARD! ALL ABOARD!
GET YOUR TICKETS READY.
HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.
HAVE YOUR TICKETS READY.
IN THE END, IT ALL
COMES DOWN TO THIS:
CAN WE REALLY CONDEMN
A MAN FOR MAINTAINING
A CHILDLIKE JOIE DE VIVRE
EVEN IN HIS TWILIGHT YEARS?
THANK YOU.
ALL ABOARD FOR
THE COAST EXPRESS.
YES, MAKING STOPS
IN TACOMA, OLYMPIA
PORTLAND AND SALEM
AND THE NEXT STOP IS...
I THINK I KNOW WHERE YOUR
NEXT STOP IS GOING TO BE.
NOW, LOOK, NILES
BEFORE YOU START GLOATING
LET ME JUST SAY THIS.
YOU WERE RIGHT. I WAS WRONG.
BIG DEAL.
THE WORLD NEVER GOT A CHANCE
TO HEAR ME BEING RIGHT.
I SUPPOSE BY NOW IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT WHAT YOU WERE
SAYING ALL ALONG WAS TRUE.
I DO...
ENVY YOUR FAME.
WELL, PERHAPS
THIS PUBLIC HUMILIATION
WILL CURE ME OF MY
DAMNED COMPETITIVENESS.
OH...
I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I HUMILIATED MYSELF FAR
MORE THAN YOU DID TODAY.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU
DIDN'T SEE THE WAY
I WAS WHORING
AFTER THAT TV CAMERA.
OBVIOUSLY, YOU DIDN'T
SEE HOW I WAS TAP DANCING
LIKE AN ORGAN GRINDER'S MONKEY.
YES, WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE
BEEN TARRED AND FEATHERED.
I MIGHT AS WELL
HAVE BEEN PILLORIED.
I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN...
OH, STOP IT, NILES!
WE'RE DOING IT AGAIN!
NILES, YOU...
YOU HAVE NO REASON
TO FEEL BADLY.
EVERYONE WANTS TO BE RECOGNIZED
FOR SOMETHING THEY'RE GOOD AT
AND YOU...
ARE A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST.
THANK YOU, FRASIER.
SOMETHING I CAN'T REALLY
LAY CLAIM TO AFTER TODAY.
HOW COULD I HAVE SO
MISJUDGED THAT MAN?
HE'S UNDENIABLY CHARMING
FOR ONE THING.
HE CAN BE LUCID FOR
LONG STRETCHES OF TIME.
YES, BUT YOU WEREN'T FOOLED.
SOMEHOW YOU PICKED
UP ON SOME TINY CLUE
THAT I MISSED.
YOU REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS?
YES.
MIDWAY THROUGH OUR INTERVIEW
HE TOOK OFF HIS TROUSERS
AND TRIED TO PUT
THEM ON THE CAT.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO THINK
THAT I MIGHT HAVE PICKED
UP ON THAT ONE TOO.
STILL...
FRASIER?
YOU'VE ALWAYS APPROACHED LIFE
WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.
IT'S A QUALITY I
ADMIRE OF YOURS.
PERHAPS YOUR
JUDGMENT WAS CLOUDED
BY YOUR DESIRE TO SEE OLD AGE
NOT AS A TIME OF
INEVITABLE DECLINE
BUT AS A TIME WHEN
ONE'S CHILDHOOD PASSIONS
AND FANTASIES CAN BE REBORN.
THANK YOU, NILES.
YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD
CHEER ME UP RIGHT NOW?
WHAT?
TO HEAR THAT SUMMATION
YOU NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO GIVE.
REALLY? YES.
YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING
THAT? DO YOU CARE?
NO. ALL RIGHT, THEN.
I'M THE JUDGE. I'M THE JUDGE.
OKAY, YOU BE THE JUDGE.
[DEEP VOICE] ALL RISE.
YES. HERE WE ARE.
HAVE WE BEEN SWORN IN?
YES, WE HAVE, YOUR HONOR.
DR. CRANE, PROCEED.
YOUR HONOR...
I BELIEVE IT WAS
HERODOTUS WHO SAID:
"CIRCUMSTANCES RULE MEN.
MEN DO NOT RULE CIRCUMSTANCES."
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WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]