Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 18 - Chess Pains - full transcript

ARE YOUR EYES CLOSED?

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S SOMETHING MY ANTIQUE
SCOUT FOUND FOR ME.

VOILA!

PARIS, 1882

DESIGNED BY JEAN FRANCOIS BLANC

WHILE ATTENDING
L'ECOLE DES BEAUX-ARTS.

MON DIEU.

IT'S ABSOLUTELY BREATHTAKING.

I'M... BREATHLESS.

I NEED TO TAKE A BREATH.



EVENING, DR. CRANE.

OH, HELLO, DAPHNE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TRY A GAME, NILES?

I THINK NOT.

IT'LL MAKE ME TOO MELANCHOLY.

MARIS AND I USED TO PLAY
CHESS EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT.

OH, HOW SHE LOVED THE GAME.

NO WONDER... THE
KING IS STATIONARY

WHILE THE QUEEN
HAS ALL THE POWER.

HOW ARE YOU GETTING
ALONG, DR. CRANE?

OH, UH, ALL RIGHT, I GUESS.

FEELING A BIT LONELY, ARE WE?

ONLY, UH, SOMETIMES,
WHEN I'M BY MYSELF

OR OTHER TIMES, WHEN
I'M WITH OTHER PEOPLE.



MAY NOT BE MY PLACE
TO SUGGEST THIS

BUT PERHAPS YOU NEED SOME
COMPANY AT THE APARTMENT...

SOMETHING WARM AND
FRIENDLY TO COME HOME TO.

OH, WELL, I'M SURE
DAD WOULD MISS YOU.

OH, DR. CRANE...

OH, ME...

OW.

I'M TALKING ABOUT A DOG.

THEY'RE WONDERFUL COMPANIONS.

WELL, JUST LOOK HOW
MUCH EDDIE'S BROUGHT

TO YOUR FATHER'S LIFE.

OH, THERE'S NOTHING

LIKE A DOG'S
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE...

SEEING THAT SMILING FACE
GREET YOU AT THE DOOR.

IT'S ONE OF THE MOST
REWARDING RELATIONSHIPS

A PERSON CAN HAVE.

AGAIN? IF YOU'RE GOING TO DRINK

OUT OF THE TOILET, YOU
CAN AT LEAST LEARN TO USE IT.

WOULD YOU CARE TO COME WITH ME?

MAYBE GET THE FEEL OF THE LEASH?

PERHAPS I WILL.

YOU KNOW, DAPHNE

MAYBE YOU'RE ON TO SOMETHING

WITH THIS DOG BUSINESS.

I'M STARTING TO FEEL
LESS LONELY ALREADY.

CHOP-CHOP! COME WITH US!

OH, HI, DAD. DID YOU SEE

MY NEW CHESS SET?

OH, YEAH. IT'S NICE.

THE INLAY WAS MADE FROM
THE SAME TRAVERTINE MARBLE

USED AT HADRIAN'S
PALACE OUTSIDE TIVOLI.

REALLY? WELL, I'M GOING TO
CELEBRATE WITH A BEVERAGE

BREWED FROM THE
CRYSTAL CLEAR WATERS

OF THE MAJESTIC
COLORADO ROCKIES.

GOOD ONE, DAD.

SAY, HOW ABOUT A GAME?

NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

OH, COME ON, DAD.

YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY, DON'T YOU?

WELL, DAPHNE SHOWED ME ONCE

BUT, REALLY, CHECKERS
IS MORE MY SPEED.

CHECKERS IS A KIDS' GAME.

I JUST GOT IT.

PLEASE? NOBODY'LL PLAY WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GIVE
IT ANOTHER SHOT.

THOSE GUYS AT THE
PARK MAKE IT LOOK GREAT...

EATING BOLOGNA
SANDWICHES, SMOKING CIGARS.

SOMETIMES A FISTFIGHT
EVEN BREAKS OUT.

LET'S JUST START WITH
NAME-CALLING AND SEE WHERE IT GOES.

YOUR TURN.

NO, DAD.

PLEASE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUSH.

AS A NOVICE, YOU HAVE THE RIGHT

TO SIT BACK, SURVEY THE
BOARD, TAKE YOUR TIME.

I WILL NOT PRESSURE YOU

OR HOVER LIKE A VULTURE.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK ANY
QUESTIONS YOU MIGHT HAVE.

IS THIS A CHECKMATE?

WHY, YES, IT IS.

YOU MEAN I WON?

WELL, YES.

HEY!

I WON! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

WELL, IN ALL FAIRNESS, MY
MIND WAS A BIT DISTRACTED

BY HAVING TO MONITOR
YOUR SIDE OF THE BOARD

BUT, UH, TOUCHE.

HOW ABOUT ANOTHER GAME, DAD?

NO, I THINK ONE'LL

DO IT FOR ME, THANKS.

ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.

BOY, I REALLY
CLOBBERED YOU, THOUGH

DIDN'T I, HUH?

I GOT ALMOST ALL OF YOUR PRAWNS.

PAWNS, DAD.

I THINK

THE TURNING POINT IS WHEN
I GOT THAT TOWER THINGY.

IT'S CALLED A ROOK.

THE KNOCKOUT WAS BACKING
YOUR HORSEY GUY INTO THE CORNER.

CAN WE CALL IT A NIGHT?

OKAY, I CORNERED YOUR KNIGHT.

NO. CAN WE CALL IT A NIGHT?

HEY, FRASIER.

OH, HI, ROZ.

ONE DOUBLE-TALL LATTE,
A SLICE OF PECAN PIE

WITH EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM.

ANYTHING ELSE?

PERHAPS A BLOOD-PRESSURE CUFF?

JUST A LITTLE
NERVOUS TODAY, OKAY?

OH, REALLY? TROUBLE
ON THE DATING FRONT?

I'M NOT THAT SHALLOW.

IT'S ABOUT MY HAIR.

I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT
THIS AFTERNOON WITH NAJ.

NAJ?

HE'S THE HOTTEST
HAIRSTYLIST IN SEATTLE.

NAJ.

I THINK HE'S GETTING A
LITTLE BORED WITH ME.

WHEN HE CUTS MY HAIR, I CAN'T
EVER THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY.

HOW'S THIS FOR AN ICEBREAKER?

"SAY, NAJ, WHERE'D YOU
GET SUCH A STUPID NAME?"

YOU SHOULD SEE HIM
WITH HIS OTHER CLIENTS.

THEY'RE ALL LAUGHING,
HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME.

I WALK IN, SIT DOWN, IT'S DEATH.

MAYBE THERE'S SOMETHING IN
HERE THAT WILL HOLD HIS ATTENTION.

OH, WOW, HERE'S SOMETHING.

A LADY IN ITALY GAVE
BIRTH TO A 19-POUND BABY.

OH, MY GOD.

NO KIDDING.

SHE'S WON'T BE HOPPING
ON HER VESPA ANYTIME SOON.

THAT'S HOW HE DID IT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

MY FATHER BEAT ME
AT CHESS LAST NIGHT

AND I JUST REALIZED,
IT WAS DUMB LUCK.

HE STUMBLED INTO THE
PANOV-BOTVINNIK ATTACK.

ROZ, I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT A RELIEF THIS IS.

MY WHOLE WORLD
MAKES SENSE AGAIN.

FRASIER, YOU'RE FORGETTING
ABOUT MY PROBLEM WITH NAJ.

YES, AND IT'D BE A LOT EASIER
IF YOU'D STOP BRINGING IT UP.

HELLO, NILES.

HELLO, FRASIER.

TO WHAT DO I OWE THIS PLEASURE?

I TOOK TO HEART DAPHNE'S
SUGGESTION THE OTHER DAY

ABOUT A NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP
SINCE MY SEPARATION FROM MARIS

SO I WENT OUT AND GOT
A NEW LADY IN MY LIFE.

I'M NOT A DOG PERSON,
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING

ABOUT THIS PARTICULAR BREED

I FIND COMFORTING AND FAMILIAR.

IT'S MYSTIFYING, ISN'T IT?

MMM, BAFFLING.

I HAPPENED INTO
MY LOCAL PET SHOP

WITH NO INTENTION
OF BUYING ANYTHING...

I WAS MERELY BROWSING...
AND THEY SHOWED ME

SOME OVERLY
DEMONSTRATIVE PUPPIES.

THEN I HEARD A HAUGHTY SNIFF

FROM A CAGE IN THE
CORNER, AND THERE SHE WAS.

SIT, GIRL, SIT. OKAY.

COME ON. COME ON.

SHE'S, UH... SHE'S
A BIT HIGH-STRUNG

BUT SHE'S TERRIBLY WELL-BRED.

WHEN I TRIED TO PET HER,
SHE'D HAVE NONE OF IT.

I'M SURPRISED SHE WASN'T
SNAPPED UP BEFORE YOU GOT THERE.

THE MAN AT THE PET STORE SAID

IT'S BECAUSE PEOPLE
ARE RELUCTANT

TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR HER NERVE MEDICINE.

NO, NOT ON THE COUCH. OFF. OFF.

OKAY.

HEY, NILES.

HEY, DAD.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

IT'S MY DOG, MY NEW BEST FRIEND.

NILES SAW HER AND HAD THIS
INEXPLICABLE ATTRACTION.

YOU CAN SEE HER
RIBS. HINT NUMBER ONE.

DAPHNE, I OWE IT ALL TO YOU.

REALLY, DR. CRANE, I
WOULDN'T WANT YOU

GOING AROUND TELLING PEOPLE
I WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.

WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'LL
BE TODDLING ALONG.

COME, GIRL, COME.

OKAY.

THE CITY STREETS PLAY HAVOC
WITH HER DELICATE LITTLE FEET

SO I... HAVE TO GO HOME
AND PUMICE HER PAW PADS.

AM I THE ONLY ONE?

NO. NO.

DOES DR. CRANE HAVE ANY IDEA..?

NO. NO.

SO, DAD, CAN I INTEREST YOU
IN AN ICE-COLD BALLENTINE?

THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

I MIGHT EVEN JOIN YOU MYSELF.

I'VE GOT SOME PORK RINDS

AND SOME CREAMY
LIPTON ONION SOUP DIP.

WITH THE SEVEN HERBS AND SPICES?

WELL, JUST COUNT THEM.

OH, HEY...

THAT'S GREAT!

ALL MY FAVORITE STUFF.

YOU'RE PUTTING ME
IN A HOME, AREN'T YOU?

OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IF I EVER HAD TO

DON'T YOU THINK IT'D BE NICE IF
YOU KNEW HOW TO PLAY CHESS?

AH... IT'S NOT CONSIDERED A MOVE

UNTIL MY FINGERS HAVE
COMPLETELY CLEARED THE PIECE.

WELL, WHAT'S TAKING SO LONG?
I AM ANALYZING MY OPTIONS.

UNLIKE YOUR WING-IT APPROACH,
I LIKE TO PLAN A STRATEGY

LIKE A GENERAL LEADING
HIS TROOPS INTO BATTLE.

CHECKMATE, SCHWARZKOPF.

GOSH.

THAT WAS VERY WELL DONE.

YOU'RE REALLY GETTING
A FEEL FOR THE GAME, DAD.

AND ALL THIS TIME I
THOUGHT CHESS WAS HARD.

WELL, SEE YOU.

SIT DOWN, OLD MAN.

YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

MR. CRANE, WOULD YOU GIVE
ME A HAND WITH THESE DISHES?

I CAN'T. I'M PLAYING
CHESS WITH FRASIER.

FINALLY, MY PATIENCE
WILL BE REWARDED.

THE TRAP IS SET.

I KNEW THIS MOMENT WOULD COME.

IT COMES EVERY GAME.

CHECKMATE.

WELL, THAT'S IT.

SHOW'S OVER, FOLKS.

MOVE ALONG.

NOTHING MORE TO SEE HERE.

YOU KNOW, DAD...

NO. I'M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE.

I'M TIRED, AND I'M GOING TO BED.

OKAY.

YES, I GUESS I'VE
HAD MY FILL AS WELL.

WELL, THIS HAS REALLY TURNED OUT

TO BE QUITE A GOOD IDEA,
HASN'T IT, THIS CHESS THING?

GOOD NIGHT. AWFULLY RELAXING.

OH, YES, YOU JUST...
YOU JUST GO ON AHEAD.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING
I'VE GOT TO DO.

HEY, FRASIER.

I HAVE GREAT NEWS.

MY APPOINTMENT WITH NAJ
COULD NOT HAVE GONE BETTER.

WHAT IS THE REASON FOR THIS
MIRACULOUS TRANSFORMATION?

IT OCCURRED TO ME

THAT HAIR STYLISTS
LOVE CELEBRITY GOSSIP.

I THOUGHT, HEY, I
KNOW A CELEBRITY. YOU.

AND WHAT DID YOU
TELL HIM ABOUT ME?

WELL, HE MAY HAVE

GOTTEN THE
IMPRESSION THAT YOU...

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

THAT, YOU KNOW,
YOU MAY HAVE BEEN...

IN THE PAST...

A WOMAN.

YOU'RE NOT MAD AT ME, ARE YOU?

MAD? WHY SHOULD I BE MAD?

KNOWING THE SACRED
CODE OF SILENCE

ALL HAIRDRESSERS HAVE SWORN TO.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL
SET NAJ STRAIGHT.

WELL, IF YOU COULD MANAGE THAT

THEN YOU REALLY
WOULD HAVE A STORY.

WELL, HELLO.

NILES.

DOUBLE CAPPUCCINO.

SAME FOR ME.

NILES, I NEED TO TALK
TO YOU ABOUT DAD.

HOW IS THE BOBBY FISCHER
OF THE GERIATRIC SET?

HE'S STILL BEATING ME.

I JUST CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

I AM THE SUPERIOR PLAYER.

THERE'S A SAYING.

IN EVERY BOY'S LIFE

THE MOMENT OF GREATEST
JOY AND GREATEST SORROW

IS WHEN HE DEFEATS HIS
FATHER FOR THE FIRST TIME.

IF YOU'RE SUGGESTING
THAT I'M AFRAID TO BEAT DAD

YOU CAN STOP RIGHT THERE.

THE OTHER OPTION IS,
HE'S BETTER THAN YOU.

YOU WERE SAYING?

THANK YOU.

SOONER OR LATER, THE SON

ECLIPSES THE FATHER.

YET, IT'S FREQUENTLY
A STUMBLING BLOCK

BECAUSE THE SON'S COMPETITIVE
STIRRINGS ARE ACCOMPANIED

BY TREMENDOUS FEELINGS OF GUILT.

I SEE.

YES, IT'S THE CLASSIC
OEDIPAL CONFLICT.

MY GOD, IT SEEMS SO OBVIOUS NOW.

I'VE BEEN LETTING HIM WIN.

NILES, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I CAN'T TELL YOU
WHAT A RELIEF THIS IS.

I FEEL LIKE A WEIGHT
HAS BEEN LIFTED.

NOTHING CAN HOLD ME BACK.
TONIGHT, I TOPPLE THE KING.

BY DETHRONING DAD

YOU'RE NEXT IN LINE TO BE
DETHRONED BY FREDERICK.

THE ONLY THING LEFT
AFTER THAT IS DEATH.

BUT THAT'S ANOTHER DAY
AND ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE.

DAD...

DAD, WAKE UP.

IT'S YOUR TURN.

I'M SORRY.

CHECKMATE.

WELL, I'M GOING TO BED.

COME ON, JUST ONE MORE GAME.

I CAN'T KEEP MY EYES OPEN.

PLAYING CHESS AGAIN, WERE YOU?

YOU KNOW, WHEN
ONE OF ME BROTHERS

WOULD LOSE A SOCCER MATCH

HE'D BE ALL BLUE
AND IN THE DUMPS.

BUT I COULD ALWAYS
GET HIM TO LAUGH.

I'D MAKE A LITTLE
PUPPET LIKE SO.

HELLO, DAPHNE. WHAT'S SHAKING?

OH, HELLO, FREDDY.

MY FRIEND DR. CRANE
FORGOT HIS HAPPY PANTS.

OH, NO.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?

WOULD YOU SING FOR HIM?

I'D LOVE TO.

♪ WHO'S THAT
GROUCHY GUS I SEE? ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BE
GROUCHY, NOT WITH ME ♪

SING ALONG, DOC.

♪ WHO'S THAT
GROUCHY GUS I SEE... ♪

DAPHNE, I WOULD RATHER HAVE
A TARANTULA LAY EGGS IN MY EAR

THAN HEAR ANY MORE
OF THIS PUPPET SHOW.

DO WE UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER?

EDDIE.

SPEAK, EDDIE.

FIRE!

FIRE, EVERYBODY!

FRASIER, DAPHNE, FIRE!

WHAT'S GOING ON?

THE FIRE ALARM WENT OFF.

I DON'T SEE ANYTHING
AROUND HERE.

IT'S NOT IN MY ROOM EITHER.

IT'S OKAY.

MY FAULT.

FALSE ALARM.

JUST A LITTLE REMISS IN
REPLACING THE BATTERIES.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

THE BATTERIES?

SMOKE ALARMS DON'T GO OFF...

BACK TO BED.

SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.

DAD, YOU KNOW

SEEING AS HOW WE'RE BOTH UP,
I THOUGHT MAYBE WE SHOULD...

OH, I DON'T KNOW, DO
SOMETHING, YOU KNOW?

LIKE WHAT?

WELL, RIGHT OFF
THE TOP OF MY HEAD...

PLAY A LITTLE CHESS?

NOW?

WELL, SURE.

WE'RE BOTH WIDE AWAKE.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU SET THAT ALARM OFF.

DAD, I HAD NO...

WHAT KIND OF WEIRD,
COMPETITIVE FREAK ARE YOU?

YOU HATE TO LOSE SO MUCH YOU
WAKE US AND SCARE US TO DEATH?

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO RESORT

TO SUCH LENGTHS IF THIS
DOG COULD LEARN TO SPEAK.

NOW YOU'LL GET IT RIGHT.

WOULD ONE MORE GAME KILL YOU?

YOU'RE ALL RILED UP.

YOU'LL NEVER GET TO SLEEP NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE. THIS
ISN'T ABOUT LOSING, IS IT?

THIS IS ABOUT LOSING TO ME.

"HOW CAN I LOSE TO THE OLD MAN?

I'M MUCH SMARTER THAN
HE IS." I NEVER SAID THAT.

YOU'VE THOUGHT IT ALL YOUR LIFE.

NOW YOU'RE INSULTING
MY INTELLIGENCE AGAIN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I WAS DOING
AS A DETECTIVE ALL THOSE YEARS?

ANALYZING CLUES

DEVISING STRATEGIES

STAYING TWO STEPS
AHEAD OF THE OTHER GUY.

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE
ANY GAME YOU KNOW?

THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU CAN PLAY

BUT NOT WHY YOU
BEAT ME EVERY TIME.

COME ON, JUST ONE MORE GAME.

NO. FORGET IT.

COME ON.

WHY SHOULD I?

YOU JUST WANT TO BEAT ME

SO YOU CAN GO BACK TO
THINKING THAT YOU'RE SMARTER

THAN YOUR STUPID OLD MAN.

I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY I
SHOULD EVER PLAY YOU AGAIN.

IF YOU WIN, I'LL
GIVE YOU $5,000.

GET OUT OF MY WAY.

WELL, LOOK AT THAT.

THE BOARD'S ALL SET
UP. WHAT A SURPRISE.

I TOOK THE LIBERTY.

DAD, I THINK WE CAN SIT DOWN

AND PLAY A NICE
CORDIAL LITTLE GAME.

FOR CENTURIES, PEOPLE HAVE
SET ASIDE THEIR DIFFERENCES

TO PLAY A GAME OF CHESS.

SO WHO SHOULD GO FIRST?

WELL, IT'S USUALLY THE PERSON
WHO LOST THE LAST GAME.

NOW WHO COULD THAT BE?

OKAY. NO MORE MR. CORDIAL GUY.

BY THE WAY, I'M
SORRY THE RATINGS

FOR YOUR SHOW TOOK
A DIVE LAST MONTH.

DON'T TRY TO PULL YOUR CHEAP
PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS ON ME.

OH, DID I MENTION

THE CEMETERY CALLED.

APPARENTLY THEY HAVE TO
DIG A SEWER NEXT TO YOUR PLOT.

GETTING YOUR DOG TO STARE AT ME

ONLY PROVES HOW
DESPERATE YOU ARE.

I DIDN'T TELL HIM TO DO THAT.

HE JUST GETS FASCINATED
WHEN HE SEES PEOPLE SWEAT.

I SWEAT WHEN I'M HAPPY.

THEN YOU MUST BE ECSTATIC.

NO, WAIT.

YOU TOOK YOUR
FINGER OFF THAT PIECE.

IT MEANS YOU MUST
NOT TRUST THAT MOVE.

MUST HAVE LEFT YOURSELF
VULNERABLE SOMEWHERE.

EVEN IF I DID,
YOU'LL NEVER FIND IT.

LOOK AT THAT.

WHAT'S THIS?

COULD IT BE?

CHECKMATE!

I WON! I WON!

I REALLY WON!

HEY, I DIDN'T GLOAT

WHEN I BEAT YOU ALL THOSE TIMES.

NO, BUT I BET YOU
WISH YOU DID NOW.

IT FEELS GREAT.

THAT'S IT, I'M GOING TO BED.

I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THE
WORD "CHESS" OR "BOARD"

OR "CHESSBOARD" EVER
AGAIN, UNDERSTOOD?

FINE, DAD.

GOOD NIGHT.

GEEZ, LIGHTEN UP.

IT'S JUST A GAME.

DAD?

DAD?

AH, GEEZ.

JUST ONE QUESTION.

DID YOU LET ME WIN?

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, FRASIER.

NO, NO, PLEASE.

DID YOU PLAY YOUR BEST?

FOR 5,000 BUCKS,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU WOULDN'T
JUST BE SAYING THAT.

ON YOUR MOTHER'S GRAVE,
MAY LIGHTNING STRIKE ME DOWN

I, MARTIN CRANE, SWEAR,
ON THE HOLIEST OF BIBLES

YOU WON, I LOST,
FAIR AND SQUARE.

CROSS MY HEART AND
HOPE TO GO TO SLEEP.

THANK YOU, DAD.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

I'M SORRY I BEAT YOU, DAD.