Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 17 - High Crane Drifter - full transcript
The world around Frasier seems to be losing its manners. People are using his parking space, queue-jumping in shops, talking during films at the cinema, smoking in elevators; shop assistants are ignoring him or being rude; even his own neighbors make unnecessary noise. He feels that he stands alone in upholding common courtesy, and eventually loses his patience in a crowded Café Nervosa, forcibly ejecting a man who claimed a table just before him. He is not proud of his behavior afterwards, but Martin is, having read the story in the People of Seattle column. Suddenly, everyone around is hailing Frasier as a hero, and Niles is jealous. However, his actions must have repercussions: firstly, a wave of phone calls to KACL report how people have started emulating him; secondly, the man he targeted threatens to sue. Luckily, Niles helps out with the latter by provoking the man to ensure a counter-suit, which works.
WELL, IT'S 2:07
HERE ON THE
DR. FRASIER CRANE SHOW.
AS I SAID, I'M ROZ DOYLE
FRASIER'S PRODUCER
FILLING IN FOR THE
TEMPORARILY DETAINED DR. CRANE.
IT'S CLOUDY AND 62
DEGREES OUTSIDE
COMING OUT ON 2:08...
RIGHT... THERE.
WELL, LET'S TAKE A CALL.
HELLO, LYDIA.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
I already told you.
THAT WAS WHEN I
WAS A CALL SCREENER.
NOW I'M THE HOST.
SO TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM
AND TAKE YOUR TIME.
Well, it started
about two weeks ago.
I got this terrible
obscene phone call.
It's happened
several times since then
and now I'm afraid to
answer my own phone.
OBSCENE PHONE CALLS
CAN BE VERY DISTURBING.
LUCKILY, DR. CRANE HAS ARRIVED
AND I'M SURE HE KNOWS EXACTLY
WHAT SOOTHING THINGS TO SAY.
( panting)
( Lydia screams)
NOW WOULD BE A GOOD
TIME TO TAKE A BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
NEVER MIND THAT. WHERE WERE YOU?
SOMEBODY HAD PARKED
IN MY SPACE AGAIN.
I HAD TO PARK SIX BLOCKS FROM
HERE AND SPRINT THE WHOLE WAY.
BY THE END, MY TWEED PANTS
WERE THROWING OFF SO MANY SPARKS
I ALMOST CAUGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.
TELL YOU WHAT, THE MINUTE
WE GO TO A NEWS BREAK
I'M GOING TO RUSH DOWN THERE
AND PUT THIS WITHERING NOTE
ON HIS WINDSHIELD.
DEAR DISCOURTEOUS DRIVER...
WHOA, I THINK YOU'VE
SAID ENOUGH RIGHT THERE.
COME ON, FRASIER.
THIS ISN'T GOING TO DO ANY GOOD.
YOU WANT TO MAKE
AN IMPRESSION ON HIM?
GO DOWN THERE AND LET
THE AIR OUT OF HIS TIRES.
I WOULDN'T DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WHY? IT'S INCONVENIENCING
HIM LIKE HE INCONVENIENCED YOU.
THE WORLD IS UNCIVILIZED ENOUGH
WITHOUT ME STOOPING
TO THAT LEVEL.
OF COURSE, I WAS SORELY
TEMPTED LAST NIGHT.
I WENT TO THE MOVIES TO SEE
HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY.
LADY LUCK SEATED ME IN
FRONT OF TWO ELDERLY WOMEN
WHO SAID WITH THE
ARRIVAL OF EACH ACTOR
"MY GOD, DOESN'T HE LOOK YOUNG.
HE'S DEAD, YOU KNOW."
FINALLY, I HAD TO JUST WALK OUT.
YOU'RE ON IN FIVE SECONDS
AND BRENDA IS ON LINE ONE.
HELLO, SEATTLE. WE'RE BACK.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO START BY
APOLOGIZING FOR BEING TARDY.
NOTHING QUITE SO INCONSIDERATE
AS MAKING SOMEONE WAIT.
NOW WITHOUT FURTHER
ADO LET'S GET TO BRENDA.
HELLO, BRENDA.
Hi, Dr. Crane.
I'm having a problem
with my sister.
She's always...
Oh, wait a second.
That's my other line.
SOMETHING TELLS ME
I'M GOING TO BE SIDING
WITH BRENDA'S SISTER.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD
DIRECT ME TO...
( phone rings)
FRIENDLY VIDEO.
YEAH, I THINK WE GOT THAT ONE.
HANG ON A SECOND. I'LL CHECK.
DON'T YOU HATE THAT?
YOU COME ALL THE WAY
DOWN HERE YOURSELF
YOU WAIT PATIENTLY
AND THEN SOMEBODY
WHO CALLS IN FROM HOME
GETS PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT.
I CAN HELP THE
NEXT PERSON IN LINE.
HEY, DO WE HAVE
THE INVISIBLE MAN?
RIGHT HERE.
THANKS.
YEAH, WE GOT IT.
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS LOOKING FOR...
( phone rings)
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
I'M LOOKING FOR
HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY.
HUH?
IT IS A BEAUTIFULLY
ACTED DEPICTION
OF LIFE IN A SMALL
TOWN IN WALES.
IT WON FIVE ACADEMY AWARDS.
IT'S A CLASSIC.
WELL, THIS IS A SHOT IN THE DARK
BUT YOU MIGHT TRY LOOKING
IN THE CLASSICS SECTION.
YOU'RE TAKING HOW
GREEN WAS MY VALLEY?
I HEARD IT WAS GREAT.
BUT YOU HEARD IT FROM ME.
EXCUSE ME.
IS THERE ANOTHER COPY?
OH, YEAH. THAT'D BE
ACROSS THE STREET
IN OUR HOW GREEN
WAS MY VALLEY ANNEX.
HEY, DAPHNE
YOU'RE JUST IN
TIME. IT'S STARTING.
I DON'T GET THIS SHOW.
PEOPLE SEND IN
VIDEOS OF THEMSELVES
HAVING THE MOST EMBARRASSING
AND PAINFUL ACCIDENTS.
THEY ADD CARTOON
NOISES AND MUSIC
AND EVERYONE LAUGHS
THEMSELVES SILLY.
OH, BOY, I BET THAT HURT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
FRANKLY, I HAVE HAD IT
WITH THE WHOLE BOORISH,
ILL-MANNERED WORLD.
LOOK, DAD
WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY
IF I USED THE TV TONIGHT.
I WENT TO THREE VIDEO
STORES TO GET THIS TAPE.
I'M DYING TO SEE IT.
SURE.
GO AHEAD.
HOW MANY TIMES
CAN YOU WATCH A DOG GET
HIT WITH A SWINGING DOOR?
DEPENDS UPON THE DOG.
( loud rock music playing)
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
THE WINDOWS ARE RATTLING,
THE WALLS ARE SHAKING
AND I AM TALKING TO NO ONE!
WELL, I SEE OUR
NEIGHBOR'S AT IT AGAIN.
NOT FOR LONG.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP.
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY EXPECT
TO SLEEP IN THIS RACKET.
I SLEPT THROUGH WORSE.
IN KOREA I DROPPED OFF IN A
FOXHOLE OUTSIDE P'ANMUNJOM.
BY THE TIME I WOKE UP,
THE CEASE-FIRE WAS OVER
AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE
WHO DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
TALK ABOUT HAVING
EGG ON YOUR FACE.
PLEASE CONNECT ME
WITH THE YOUNG MAN
WHO JUST MOVED
INTO THE PENTHOUSE.
NO, I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.
HE'S IN THE PENTHOUSE.
HE HAS SHAGGY HAIR,
TATTOOS ALL OVER HIM.
HIS BODY IS PIERCED.
I DON'T KNOW IF I MENTIONED THIS
BUT HE'S IN THE PENTHOUSE!
( music stops)
NEVER MIND.
HAS THE WORLD COMPLETELY LOST
THE CONCEPT OF COMMON COURTESY?
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO
IS RESISTING THIS TIDE?
PEOPLE OF SEATTLE, LISTEN TO ME.
WE ARE NOT BARBARIANS,
WE ARE NOT NEANDERTHALS
AND WE ARE NOT FRENCH.
DO YOU HEAR THAT, YOU UP THERE?!
THAT'S HIS OWN MUSIC HE'S
LISTENING TO, YOU KNOW.
HIS NAME IS FREDDIE CHAINSAW.
CHAINSAW?
OF THE NEWPORT CHAINSAWS?
HOW DOES AN ARRESTED ADOLESCENT
WHO BARELY KNOWS TWO
CHORDS GET A PENTHOUSE?
HIS LAST ALBUM SOLD
FIVE MILLION COPIES.
OH, WELL, THEN
I'LL JUST ADD THAT TO MY
LIST OF REASONS TO DIE.
YOU KNOW, PERSONALLY, I LIKE IT
BUT THEN, WE BRITS HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN ON THE CUTTING EDGE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
HEARD THE PUNK ROCKERS
WHO RENTED THE FLAT
BELOW ME A FEW YEARS BACK.
THEY'D PLAY THE SAME
SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
♪ FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA ♪
♪ FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA. ♪
OH, NO.
I'M GOING TO HAVE THAT
TUNE IN ME HEAD ALL DAY NOW.
YES, WELL, THANK
YOU FOR THAT, DAPHNE
BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL
DAY TO WATCH MY MOVIE.
( rock music playing)
DOESN'T HE EVER STOP
FOR SEX AND DRUGS?!
HELLO. YES.
PLEASE, I INSIST ON
BEING CONNECTED
TO THE YOUNG MAN
IN THE PENTHOUSE.
YES, HELLO, MR. CHAINSAW?
YES. HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I AM YOUR NEIGHBOR. I
LIVE RIGHT BELOW YOU.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW LOUD YOUR MUSIC IS?
OH, YOU DO.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THAT WASN'T BAD.
THE YOUNG MAN SEEMED
QUITE AMIABLE IN HIS WAY.
( rock music playing)
I'M GOING OUT!
WHAT?
I'M GOING OUT!
I AM GOING OUT!
Martin: HEY, FRASIER,
KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE.
I'M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP.
SMELL ME, NILES.
GRANDPA.
EXACTLY.
ON THE ELEVATOR THIS
WOMAN THINKS NOTHING
OF LIGHTING UP A CIGARETTE.
HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
THIS MORNING I DISCOVERED
A DING IN THE DOOR OF MY CAR.
LET ME GUESS. NO NOTE
ON THE WINDSHIELD.
NO. AND EVEN WORSE
AFTER I'D LEFT THE CAR
OFF AT THE BODY SHOP
THE RENTAL AGENCY
DIDN'T HAVE A SINGLE
LUXURY CAR LEFT.
THEY STUCK ME WITH SOME VEHICLE
I BELIEVE THEY CALL A HUNCHBACK.
NO, I THINK THAT WOULD
BE A HATCHBACK, NILES.
IT'S PAINTED PANIC-BUTTON RED
WITH A LARGE REAR
WINDOW THAT POPS OPEN.
OH, THAT WOULD BE THE HATCHBACK.
THERE'S A NOVEL IDEA.
NAME THE CAR AFTER ITS
MOST HIDEOUS FEATURE.
I PRESUME IT WAS A TOSS-UP
BETWEEN "HATCHBACK"
AND "WHAT'S THAT ODOR
COMING FROM THE FLOOR?"
LOOK, NILES, FREE TABLE.
GO, GO, GO, GO.
OH, THE BISCOTTI.
LEAVE IT.
GO ON WITHOUT ME.
OH, THERE.
OH.
EXCUSE ME.
OH, PARDON ME.
OH, DAMN.
OH, CHECK ON TABLE ONE.
YES, ALL RIGHT, FINE.
EXCUSE ME.
WAIT DOWN THERE.
OH, WE'RE NOT
HOVERING, BELIEVE ME.
IT'S JUST THAT THERE...
WELL, THERE'S NO
PLACE ELSE TO STAND.
OH, JUST TAKE YOUR TIME, PLEASE.
THERE'S NO RUSH.
( glass clinking)
IS THE OWNER OF A
RED HATCHBACK HERE?
IT'S ABOUT TO BE TOWED.
NILES, ISN'T THAT YOUR CAR?
SHH. SOMEONE WILL HEAR YOU.
IT'S ABOUT TO BE TOWED.
I AM NOT OWNING UP TO THAT CAR.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S CAREENING
TOWARD A BABY CARRIAGE.
OH. OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
TAKE CARE. HAVE A LOVELY DAY.
EXCUSE ME, BUT WE WERE
WAITING FOR THIS TABLE.
SO GET ANOTHER ONE.
WELL, THERE AREN'T ANY.
YOU KNEW WE WERE WAITING FOR IT.
WE POLITELY STOOD BACK
TO LET THOSE PEOPLE LEAVE
AND THEN YOU JUST
JUMPED RIGHT IN.
WELL, YOU WON'T MAKE
THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.
FRASIER, FRASIER, FORGET IT.
WE'LL WAIT FOR ANOTHER TABLE.
NO, WE WON'T.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT
THE TABLE ANYMORE.
IT'S ABOUT THE EROSION
OF COMMON DECENCY.
SIR, WHEN YOU TREAT ME THIS WAY
YOU ENCOURAGE ME TO BE
DISCOURTEOUS TO ANOTHER.
AND SO ON AND SO ON.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
MANNERS, DO YOU?
THEN PERHAPS WHAT YOU
NEED IS AN ETIQUETTE LESSON!
NOT THE JACKET.
SIT DOWN, NILES.
MY BROTHER WILL HAVE A DECAF.
♪ FLESH IS BURNING,
DANA NANA NANA ♪
♪ FLESH IS BURNING
DANA NANA NANA ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA,
FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA,
FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA... ♪
OH, HI, FRAS.
HOW YOU FEELING?
FINE.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU YESTERDAY
HOW YOUR DAY WENT.
WHAT DID NILES TELL YOU?
NOTHING. GEEZ, CAN'T I ASK
YOU HOW YOUR DAY WENT?
HOW WAS WORK?
HOW'S YOUR BAD-ASS SELF?
DAMN IT.
NILES BLABBED.
YOU MADE THE "PEOPLE
OF SEATTLE" COLUMN.
RIGHT HERE, UNDER
"THE CRANE MUTINY."
( chuckling)
"THREE CHEERS FOR
DR. FRASIER CRANE
"WHO STRUCK A BLOW
AGAINST RUDENESS YESTERDAY
IN A COFFEEHOUSE MELEE."
OH... PERFECT.
NOW ALL OF SEATTLE KNOWS
ABOUT MY LOUTISH BEHAVIOR.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS GUY HAD IT COMING.
( doorbell ringing)
HE PROBABLY LOOKED
AT YOU AND THOUGHT
"THIS GUY'S A CREAM PUFF.
"A WUSS. A WIMP.
A CUPCAKE."
DAD!
I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST SO PROUD OF YOU.
OH, THERE HE IS
THE MAN WHO FLOATS
LIKE A LEPIDOPTERA
AND STINGS LIKE A HYMENOPTERA.
NILES, I THINK
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.
JEALOUS? DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.
"WITH ONE SWIFT MOVE
THE GOOD DOCTOR
"HOISTED THE
MISCREANT OUT ON HIS EAR
DECLARING, 'WHAT YOU NEED
IS AN ETIQUETTE LESSON.'"
I LOVE THAT.
YOU GOT YOUR OWN
TOUGH-GUY CATCHPHRASE.
IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU, FRASIER.
DIRTY HARRY MEETS EMILY POST.
COME ON, SHOW ME HOW
YOU GRABBED HIM. USE NILES.
NO. NO, DAD.
I WILL NOT TOSS NILES
ABOUT THE ROOM.
OH, NO, GO AHEAD.
ROUGH ME UP, MR. BIG
HERO BULLY BOUNCER.
DID THAT SOUND JEALOUS?
A TAD.
ALL RIGHT, I'M JEALOUS.
WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
ALL MY LIFE I'VE
BACKED OUT OF FIGHTS.
WATCHING YOU LEAP
INTO THE FRAY LIKE THAT, I...
IT MADE ME THINK, JUST
ONCE I'D LIKE TO EXPERIENCE
WHAT YOU FELT...
GO NOSE TO NOSE.
YOUR DAY WILL COME, SON.
I DON'T KNOW.
I TRIED IT THIS MORNING
WITH MY DRY CLEANER, MR. KIM.
I DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A
GOOD TONGUE-LASHING
BECAUSE HE'D SHATTERED
THE MOTHER-OF-PEARL BUTTONS
ON MY BEST WAISTCOAT.
UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO HIS
TENUOUS GRASP OF ENGLISH
AND THE FACT THAT HIS
MOTHER'S NAME IS PEARL
I WAS FORCED TO FLEE
HIS ESTABLISHMENT
AMID A SHOWER OF COAT HANGERS.
GOOD MORNING, DR. CRANE.
AND TO YOU, DR. CRANE
OUR VERY OWN KNIGHT
IN SHINING ARMOR.
OH, GREAT.
YOUR ASSERTIVENESS INSPIRED ME.
FOR WEEKS NOW, SOME
LOUSE HAS BEEN REMOVING
MY WET CLOTHES FROM THE WASHER
AND LEAVING THEM ON
THE TABLE IN A SOGGY MESS.
THIS MORNING, I DECIDED
TO GET MY REVENGE
SO I TOOK OFF MY NEW RED PANTIES
AND I POPPED THEM
IN WITH HIS WHITES.
Niles: BRAVO, DAPHNE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
GOD, I WISH I'D BEEN THERE.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU
WERE OVERREACTING A BIT?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THOSE WERE MY PANTIES
AND I WASN'T AFRAID TO USE THEM.
WHY KEEP BACKING AWAY FROM THIS?
BE PROUD OF YOURSELF.
WE ALL THINK YOU
DID THE RIGHT THING.
THAT'S RIGHT AND
I'M GOING TO FIX YOU
A PROPER HERO'S BREAKFAST.
NO, NO, DAPHNE, PLEASE. REALLY.
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
THANK YOU ALL.
IT'S JUST THAT THIS ISN'T
SITTING WELL WITH ME.
I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE ANY
GOOD CAN COME OF VIOLENCE.
( loud rock music)
THAT'S IT. AGAIN.
MR. CHAINSAW.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
( music stops abruptly)
GO AHEAD, DAPHNE.
MAKE MY EGGS.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
STOP IT.
HEY.
I DO WISH PEOPLE WOULD
STOP MAKING SUCH A FUSS.
THEY WILL, IF YOU QUIT WALKING
UP AND DOWN THE HALL.
YOU'RE ON IN FIVE SECONDS.
OH, YES. ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, THIS IS
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
WHO'S ON THE LINE, ROZ?
WE HAVE MITCH ON LINE THREE.
HE'S HAVING TROUBLE
WITH HIS NEIGHBORS.
HELLO, MITCH.
Make that had trouble.
This idiot next door
had his leaf-blower going
at 7:00 a.m. again.
OH, THAT'S VERY INCONSIDERATE.
I'll say. That's why I decided
to give him an
"etiquette lesson."
I grabbed that leaf-blower
and smashed it against a tree.
MITCH, I MUST SAY
I'M STUNNED.
I CAN'T IMAGINE A MORE
EXTREME RESPONSE
TO SUCH A MINOR INFRACTION.
So I snuck into his backyard
and shoved a whole
pound of rotten shrimp
into his air conditioner.
Come on, summer!
100 scorpions in
a Fed Ex package.
( man cackling)
I'M SORRY, BUT NO MATTER HOW
PROVOKED YOU MAY HAVE BEEN
THERE IS NO EARTHLY
JUSTIFICATION FOR...
SETTING SOMEONE'S LAWN ON FIRE!
But she doesn't curb her dog.
You don't take any
guff. Why should I?
ROCHELLE... ALL OF YOU...
LOOK, DON'T YOU REALIZE
THAT YOUR BEHAVIOR
IS JUST A BIT EXTREME?
I JUST MADE A MINOR BIT OF FORCE
IN ORDER TO JUST MAKE A POINT.
I DIDN'T GO AROUND SMASHING
WINDOWS AND TORCHING LAWNS.
WHERE DOES IT END?
Are you saying
what I did was wrong?
OF COURSE I AM.
But what you did was okay?
NO! NO.
COME TO THINK OF IT...
WHAT I DID WAS JUST AS WRONG.
WHO AM I TO DRAW THE LINE
AT THE ACCEPTABLE
LEVEL OF FORCE?
BECAUSE THE NEXT PERSON
MOVES A LITTLE FARTHER
AND THE NEXT PERSON,
A LITTLE FARTHER STILL
UNTIL WE FINALLY END
UP WITH SCORPIONS
FLYING THROUGH THE MAIL
LIKE CHRISTMAS BUNDT CAKES.
WHAT WE MUST ALL AGREE TO DO
IS TO RESOLVE OUR DIFFERENCES
WITH DISCUSSION AND REASON.
AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I'M GOING TO CALL
THE GENTLEMAN THAT I MANHANDLED
AND... AND APOLOGIZE TO HIM
FOR NOT HAVING
WORKED OUT OUR DISPUTE
IN THE RIGHT WAY
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
THROUGH WORDS.
THE KEY HERE
IS RESTRAINT
AND I DO HOPE YOU'LL
FOLLOW MY LEAD...
BECKY WITH THE NAIL GUN.
OH, PEOPLE. PEOPLE, PLEASE.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT.
I'M NO HERO.
NO ONE'S EVER GIVEN
ME THE THUMBS UP.
NILES, I'VE DRIVEN ON
THE FREEWAY WITH YOU.
THE REST OF THE HAND HAS
BEEN WELL REPRESENTED.
OH, LOOK, THERE HE IS.
MR. HARVEY.
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.
YOU REMEMBER MY BROTHER, NILES.
AND WE'RE AT "OUR" TABLE.
LOOK, I'M HERE, SO, SAY
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.
THERE'S NO NEED
FOR ANY HOSTILITY.
I JUST CAME TO TALK.
TALK? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
TAKE ANOTHER SHOT AT ME?
NO, THERE'LL BE NOTHING
LIKE THAT HERE TODAY.
I COULD TRY TO EXPLAIN
MY BEHAVIOR BY SAYING
THESE ARE STRESSFUL TIMES
THAT I HAD REACHED
THE END OF MY TETHER
BUT I WON'T DO THAT BECAUSE
I WAS 100% WRONG.
I HAD NO RIGHT
TO TOUCH YOU
AND I ACCEPT FULL
RESPONSIBILITY.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
I HOPE YOU ALL HEARD THAT TOO.
SO YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY?
NO, I'M SUING YOU.
AND A LOT OF WITNESSES
JUST HEARD YOU
ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG.
B-BUT... THESE ARE
STRESSFUL TIMES.
I'D REACHED THE
END OF MY TETHER.
TOUGH. I'M NAILING
YOU FOR ASSAULT.
BUT I HARDLY TOUCHED YOU.
OH, FRASIER, I'M NOT SURPRISED
HE'S HIDING BEHIND LAWYERS.
WHAT OTHER BEHAVIOR
WOULD YOU EXPECT...
FROM A CHICKEN?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I WAS SPEAKING TO MY BROTHER
BUT, TO PUT IT IN LANGUAGE
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND...
( clucking like a chicken)
NILES!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOU
TO ASSERT YOURSELF.
HEY, YOUR BROTHER'S
MAKING TROUBLE HERE.
OOH, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
FLAP ME WITH ONE OF
YOUR BIG FLUFFY WINGS?
NILES, STOP IT.
PLEASE EXCUSE HIM.
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRASIER
DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH
ON THIS HAIRY, KNUCKLE-DRAGGING
MOUTH-BREATHING TROGLODYTE
WHO'S PROBABLY THE
ONLY MALE IN EXISTENCE
WHO SUFFERS FROM PENIS ENVY!
LOOK HERE, BUDDY...
OOH!
NILES...
NILES, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
COUNTER SUIT.
OH, MY GOD!
NOBODY MOVE HIM!
I BARELY TOUCHED HIM.
THEN YOU ADMIT YOU TOUCHED HIM.
HE ADMITS IT!
OH, NILES.
NILES, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
I PROMISE WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU
THE BEST CARE THIS
MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY!
MY GOD, NILES,
THAT WAS BRILLIANT.
YOU EVEN GOT A TEAR IN YOUR EYE.
I LANDED ON A FORK.
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]
HERE ON THE
DR. FRASIER CRANE SHOW.
AS I SAID, I'M ROZ DOYLE
FRASIER'S PRODUCER
FILLING IN FOR THE
TEMPORARILY DETAINED DR. CRANE.
IT'S CLOUDY AND 62
DEGREES OUTSIDE
COMING OUT ON 2:08...
RIGHT... THERE.
WELL, LET'S TAKE A CALL.
HELLO, LYDIA.
WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM?
I already told you.
THAT WAS WHEN I
WAS A CALL SCREENER.
NOW I'M THE HOST.
SO TELL ME YOUR PROBLEM
AND TAKE YOUR TIME.
Well, it started
about two weeks ago.
I got this terrible
obscene phone call.
It's happened
several times since then
and now I'm afraid to
answer my own phone.
OBSCENE PHONE CALLS
CAN BE VERY DISTURBING.
LUCKILY, DR. CRANE HAS ARRIVED
AND I'M SURE HE KNOWS EXACTLY
WHAT SOOTHING THINGS TO SAY.
( panting)
( Lydia screams)
NOW WOULD BE A GOOD
TIME TO TAKE A BREAK.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHAT THE HELL
WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
NEVER MIND THAT. WHERE WERE YOU?
SOMEBODY HAD PARKED
IN MY SPACE AGAIN.
I HAD TO PARK SIX BLOCKS FROM
HERE AND SPRINT THE WHOLE WAY.
BY THE END, MY TWEED PANTS
WERE THROWING OFF SO MANY SPARKS
I ALMOST CAUGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.
TELL YOU WHAT, THE MINUTE
WE GO TO A NEWS BREAK
I'M GOING TO RUSH DOWN THERE
AND PUT THIS WITHERING NOTE
ON HIS WINDSHIELD.
DEAR DISCOURTEOUS DRIVER...
WHOA, I THINK YOU'VE
SAID ENOUGH RIGHT THERE.
COME ON, FRASIER.
THIS ISN'T GOING TO DO ANY GOOD.
YOU WANT TO MAKE
AN IMPRESSION ON HIM?
GO DOWN THERE AND LET
THE AIR OUT OF HIS TIRES.
I WOULDN'T DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WHY? IT'S INCONVENIENCING
HIM LIKE HE INCONVENIENCED YOU.
THE WORLD IS UNCIVILIZED ENOUGH
WITHOUT ME STOOPING
TO THAT LEVEL.
OF COURSE, I WAS SORELY
TEMPTED LAST NIGHT.
I WENT TO THE MOVIES TO SEE
HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY.
LADY LUCK SEATED ME IN
FRONT OF TWO ELDERLY WOMEN
WHO SAID WITH THE
ARRIVAL OF EACH ACTOR
"MY GOD, DOESN'T HE LOOK YOUNG.
HE'S DEAD, YOU KNOW."
FINALLY, I HAD TO JUST WALK OUT.
YOU'RE ON IN FIVE SECONDS
AND BRENDA IS ON LINE ONE.
HELLO, SEATTLE. WE'RE BACK.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO START BY
APOLOGIZING FOR BEING TARDY.
NOTHING QUITE SO INCONSIDERATE
AS MAKING SOMEONE WAIT.
NOW WITHOUT FURTHER
ADO LET'S GET TO BRENDA.
HELLO, BRENDA.
Hi, Dr. Crane.
I'm having a problem
with my sister.
She's always...
Oh, wait a second.
That's my other line.
SOMETHING TELLS ME
I'M GOING TO BE SIDING
WITH BRENDA'S SISTER.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS WONDERING IF YOU COULD
DIRECT ME TO...
( phone rings)
FRIENDLY VIDEO.
YEAH, I THINK WE GOT THAT ONE.
HANG ON A SECOND. I'LL CHECK.
DON'T YOU HATE THAT?
YOU COME ALL THE WAY
DOWN HERE YOURSELF
YOU WAIT PATIENTLY
AND THEN SOMEBODY
WHO CALLS IN FROM HOME
GETS PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT.
I CAN HELP THE
NEXT PERSON IN LINE.
HEY, DO WE HAVE
THE INVISIBLE MAN?
RIGHT HERE.
THANKS.
YEAH, WE GOT IT.
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS LOOKING FOR...
( phone rings)
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
I'M LOOKING FOR
HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY.
HUH?
IT IS A BEAUTIFULLY
ACTED DEPICTION
OF LIFE IN A SMALL
TOWN IN WALES.
IT WON FIVE ACADEMY AWARDS.
IT'S A CLASSIC.
WELL, THIS IS A SHOT IN THE DARK
BUT YOU MIGHT TRY LOOKING
IN THE CLASSICS SECTION.
YOU'RE TAKING HOW
GREEN WAS MY VALLEY?
I HEARD IT WAS GREAT.
BUT YOU HEARD IT FROM ME.
EXCUSE ME.
IS THERE ANOTHER COPY?
OH, YEAH. THAT'D BE
ACROSS THE STREET
IN OUR HOW GREEN
WAS MY VALLEY ANNEX.
HEY, DAPHNE
YOU'RE JUST IN
TIME. IT'S STARTING.
I DON'T GET THIS SHOW.
PEOPLE SEND IN
VIDEOS OF THEMSELVES
HAVING THE MOST EMBARRASSING
AND PAINFUL ACCIDENTS.
THEY ADD CARTOON
NOISES AND MUSIC
AND EVERYONE LAUGHS
THEMSELVES SILLY.
OH, BOY, I BET THAT HURT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
FRANKLY, I HAVE HAD IT
WITH THE WHOLE BOORISH,
ILL-MANNERED WORLD.
LOOK, DAD
WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY
IF I USED THE TV TONIGHT.
I WENT TO THREE VIDEO
STORES TO GET THIS TAPE.
I'M DYING TO SEE IT.
SURE.
GO AHEAD.
HOW MANY TIMES
CAN YOU WATCH A DOG GET
HIT WITH A SWINGING DOOR?
DEPENDS UPON THE DOG.
( loud rock music playing)
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!
THE WINDOWS ARE RATTLING,
THE WALLS ARE SHAKING
AND I AM TALKING TO NO ONE!
WELL, I SEE OUR
NEIGHBOR'S AT IT AGAIN.
NOT FOR LONG.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP.
YOU CAN'T POSSIBLY EXPECT
TO SLEEP IN THIS RACKET.
I SLEPT THROUGH WORSE.
IN KOREA I DROPPED OFF IN A
FOXHOLE OUTSIDE P'ANMUNJOM.
BY THE TIME I WOKE UP,
THE CEASE-FIRE WAS OVER
AND I WAS THE ONLY ONE
WHO DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
TALK ABOUT HAVING
EGG ON YOUR FACE.
PLEASE CONNECT ME
WITH THE YOUNG MAN
WHO JUST MOVED
INTO THE PENTHOUSE.
NO, I DON'T KNOW HIS NAME.
HE'S IN THE PENTHOUSE.
HE HAS SHAGGY HAIR,
TATTOOS ALL OVER HIM.
HIS BODY IS PIERCED.
I DON'T KNOW IF I MENTIONED THIS
BUT HE'S IN THE PENTHOUSE!
( music stops)
NEVER MIND.
HAS THE WORLD COMPLETELY LOST
THE CONCEPT OF COMMON COURTESY?
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO
IS RESISTING THIS TIDE?
PEOPLE OF SEATTLE, LISTEN TO ME.
WE ARE NOT BARBARIANS,
WE ARE NOT NEANDERTHALS
AND WE ARE NOT FRENCH.
DO YOU HEAR THAT, YOU UP THERE?!
THAT'S HIS OWN MUSIC HE'S
LISTENING TO, YOU KNOW.
HIS NAME IS FREDDIE CHAINSAW.
CHAINSAW?
OF THE NEWPORT CHAINSAWS?
HOW DOES AN ARRESTED ADOLESCENT
WHO BARELY KNOWS TWO
CHORDS GET A PENTHOUSE?
HIS LAST ALBUM SOLD
FIVE MILLION COPIES.
OH, WELL, THEN
I'LL JUST ADD THAT TO MY
LIST OF REASONS TO DIE.
YOU KNOW, PERSONALLY, I LIKE IT
BUT THEN, WE BRITS HAVE
ALWAYS BEEN ON THE CUTTING EDGE.
YOU SHOULD HAVE
HEARD THE PUNK ROCKERS
WHO RENTED THE FLAT
BELOW ME A FEW YEARS BACK.
THEY'D PLAY THE SAME
SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
♪ FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA ♪
♪ FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA. ♪
OH, NO.
I'M GOING TO HAVE THAT
TUNE IN ME HEAD ALL DAY NOW.
YES, WELL, THANK
YOU FOR THAT, DAPHNE
BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL
DAY TO WATCH MY MOVIE.
( rock music playing)
DOESN'T HE EVER STOP
FOR SEX AND DRUGS?!
HELLO. YES.
PLEASE, I INSIST ON
BEING CONNECTED
TO THE YOUNG MAN
IN THE PENTHOUSE.
YES, HELLO, MR. CHAINSAW?
YES. HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I AM YOUR NEIGHBOR. I
LIVE RIGHT BELOW YOU.
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW LOUD YOUR MUSIC IS?
OH, YOU DO.
WELL, THANK YOU.
THAT WASN'T BAD.
THE YOUNG MAN SEEMED
QUITE AMIABLE IN HIS WAY.
( rock music playing)
I'M GOING OUT!
WHAT?
I'M GOING OUT!
I AM GOING OUT!
Martin: HEY, FRASIER,
KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE.
I'M TRYING TO TAKE A NAP.
SMELL ME, NILES.
GRANDPA.
EXACTLY.
ON THE ELEVATOR THIS
WOMAN THINKS NOTHING
OF LIGHTING UP A CIGARETTE.
HAS THE WORLD GONE MAD?
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL.
THIS MORNING I DISCOVERED
A DING IN THE DOOR OF MY CAR.
LET ME GUESS. NO NOTE
ON THE WINDSHIELD.
NO. AND EVEN WORSE
AFTER I'D LEFT THE CAR
OFF AT THE BODY SHOP
THE RENTAL AGENCY
DIDN'T HAVE A SINGLE
LUXURY CAR LEFT.
THEY STUCK ME WITH SOME VEHICLE
I BELIEVE THEY CALL A HUNCHBACK.
NO, I THINK THAT WOULD
BE A HATCHBACK, NILES.
IT'S PAINTED PANIC-BUTTON RED
WITH A LARGE REAR
WINDOW THAT POPS OPEN.
OH, THAT WOULD BE THE HATCHBACK.
THERE'S A NOVEL IDEA.
NAME THE CAR AFTER ITS
MOST HIDEOUS FEATURE.
I PRESUME IT WAS A TOSS-UP
BETWEEN "HATCHBACK"
AND "WHAT'S THAT ODOR
COMING FROM THE FLOOR?"
LOOK, NILES, FREE TABLE.
GO, GO, GO, GO.
OH, THE BISCOTTI.
LEAVE IT.
GO ON WITHOUT ME.
OH, THERE.
OH.
EXCUSE ME.
OH, PARDON ME.
OH, DAMN.
OH, CHECK ON TABLE ONE.
YES, ALL RIGHT, FINE.
EXCUSE ME.
WAIT DOWN THERE.
OH, WE'RE NOT
HOVERING, BELIEVE ME.
IT'S JUST THAT THERE...
WELL, THERE'S NO
PLACE ELSE TO STAND.
OH, JUST TAKE YOUR TIME, PLEASE.
THERE'S NO RUSH.
( glass clinking)
IS THE OWNER OF A
RED HATCHBACK HERE?
IT'S ABOUT TO BE TOWED.
NILES, ISN'T THAT YOUR CAR?
SHH. SOMEONE WILL HEAR YOU.
IT'S ABOUT TO BE TOWED.
I AM NOT OWNING UP TO THAT CAR.
I DON'T CARE IF IT'S CAREENING
TOWARD A BABY CARRIAGE.
OH. OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
TAKE CARE. HAVE A LOVELY DAY.
EXCUSE ME, BUT WE WERE
WAITING FOR THIS TABLE.
SO GET ANOTHER ONE.
WELL, THERE AREN'T ANY.
YOU KNEW WE WERE WAITING FOR IT.
WE POLITELY STOOD BACK
TO LET THOSE PEOPLE LEAVE
AND THEN YOU JUST
JUMPED RIGHT IN.
WELL, YOU WON'T MAKE
THAT MISTAKE AGAIN.
FRASIER, FRASIER, FORGET IT.
WE'LL WAIT FOR ANOTHER TABLE.
NO, WE WON'T.
THIS ISN'T ABOUT
THE TABLE ANYMORE.
IT'S ABOUT THE EROSION
OF COMMON DECENCY.
SIR, WHEN YOU TREAT ME THIS WAY
YOU ENCOURAGE ME TO BE
DISCOURTEOUS TO ANOTHER.
AND SO ON AND SO ON.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY
MANNERS, DO YOU?
THEN PERHAPS WHAT YOU
NEED IS AN ETIQUETTE LESSON!
NOT THE JACKET.
SIT DOWN, NILES.
MY BROTHER WILL HAVE A DECAF.
♪ FLESH IS BURNING,
DANA NANA NANA ♪
♪ FLESH IS BURNING
DANA NANA NANA ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA,
FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA NANA,
FLESH IS BURNING ♪
♪ NANA NANA... ♪
OH, HI, FRAS.
HOW YOU FEELING?
FINE.
I DIDN'T ASK YOU YESTERDAY
HOW YOUR DAY WENT.
WHAT DID NILES TELL YOU?
NOTHING. GEEZ, CAN'T I ASK
YOU HOW YOUR DAY WENT?
HOW WAS WORK?
HOW'S YOUR BAD-ASS SELF?
DAMN IT.
NILES BLABBED.
YOU MADE THE "PEOPLE
OF SEATTLE" COLUMN.
RIGHT HERE, UNDER
"THE CRANE MUTINY."
( chuckling)
"THREE CHEERS FOR
DR. FRASIER CRANE
"WHO STRUCK A BLOW
AGAINST RUDENESS YESTERDAY
IN A COFFEEHOUSE MELEE."
OH... PERFECT.
NOW ALL OF SEATTLE KNOWS
ABOUT MY LOUTISH BEHAVIOR.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THIS GUY HAD IT COMING.
( doorbell ringing)
HE PROBABLY LOOKED
AT YOU AND THOUGHT
"THIS GUY'S A CREAM PUFF.
"A WUSS. A WIMP.
A CUPCAKE."
DAD!
I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST SO PROUD OF YOU.
OH, THERE HE IS
THE MAN WHO FLOATS
LIKE A LEPIDOPTERA
AND STINGS LIKE A HYMENOPTERA.
NILES, I THINK
YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS.
JEALOUS? DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART.
"WITH ONE SWIFT MOVE
THE GOOD DOCTOR
"HOISTED THE
MISCREANT OUT ON HIS EAR
DECLARING, 'WHAT YOU NEED
IS AN ETIQUETTE LESSON.'"
I LOVE THAT.
YOU GOT YOUR OWN
TOUGH-GUY CATCHPHRASE.
IT'S PERFECT FOR YOU, FRASIER.
DIRTY HARRY MEETS EMILY POST.
COME ON, SHOW ME HOW
YOU GRABBED HIM. USE NILES.
NO. NO, DAD.
I WILL NOT TOSS NILES
ABOUT THE ROOM.
OH, NO, GO AHEAD.
ROUGH ME UP, MR. BIG
HERO BULLY BOUNCER.
DID THAT SOUND JEALOUS?
A TAD.
ALL RIGHT, I'M JEALOUS.
WHY SHOULDN'T I BE?
ALL MY LIFE I'VE
BACKED OUT OF FIGHTS.
WATCHING YOU LEAP
INTO THE FRAY LIKE THAT, I...
IT MADE ME THINK, JUST
ONCE I'D LIKE TO EXPERIENCE
WHAT YOU FELT...
GO NOSE TO NOSE.
YOUR DAY WILL COME, SON.
I DON'T KNOW.
I TRIED IT THIS MORNING
WITH MY DRY CLEANER, MR. KIM.
I DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A
GOOD TONGUE-LASHING
BECAUSE HE'D SHATTERED
THE MOTHER-OF-PEARL BUTTONS
ON MY BEST WAISTCOAT.
UNFORTUNATELY, DUE TO HIS
TENUOUS GRASP OF ENGLISH
AND THE FACT THAT HIS
MOTHER'S NAME IS PEARL
I WAS FORCED TO FLEE
HIS ESTABLISHMENT
AMID A SHOWER OF COAT HANGERS.
GOOD MORNING, DR. CRANE.
AND TO YOU, DR. CRANE
OUR VERY OWN KNIGHT
IN SHINING ARMOR.
OH, GREAT.
YOUR ASSERTIVENESS INSPIRED ME.
FOR WEEKS NOW, SOME
LOUSE HAS BEEN REMOVING
MY WET CLOTHES FROM THE WASHER
AND LEAVING THEM ON
THE TABLE IN A SOGGY MESS.
THIS MORNING, I DECIDED
TO GET MY REVENGE
SO I TOOK OFF MY NEW RED PANTIES
AND I POPPED THEM
IN WITH HIS WHITES.
Niles: BRAVO, DAPHNE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
GOD, I WISH I'D BEEN THERE.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU
WERE OVERREACTING A BIT?
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
THOSE WERE MY PANTIES
AND I WASN'T AFRAID TO USE THEM.
WHY KEEP BACKING AWAY FROM THIS?
BE PROUD OF YOURSELF.
WE ALL THINK YOU
DID THE RIGHT THING.
THAT'S RIGHT AND
I'M GOING TO FIX YOU
A PROPER HERO'S BREAKFAST.
NO, NO, DAPHNE, PLEASE. REALLY.
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
THANK YOU ALL.
IT'S JUST THAT THIS ISN'T
SITTING WELL WITH ME.
I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE ANY
GOOD CAN COME OF VIOLENCE.
( loud rock music)
THAT'S IT. AGAIN.
MR. CHAINSAW.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
( music stops abruptly)
GO AHEAD, DAPHNE.
MAKE MY EGGS.
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
STOP IT.
HEY.
I DO WISH PEOPLE WOULD
STOP MAKING SUCH A FUSS.
THEY WILL, IF YOU QUIT WALKING
UP AND DOWN THE HALL.
YOU'RE ON IN FIVE SECONDS.
OH, YES. ALL RIGHT.
HELLO, THIS IS
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
WHO'S ON THE LINE, ROZ?
WE HAVE MITCH ON LINE THREE.
HE'S HAVING TROUBLE
WITH HIS NEIGHBORS.
HELLO, MITCH.
Make that had trouble.
This idiot next door
had his leaf-blower going
at 7:00 a.m. again.
OH, THAT'S VERY INCONSIDERATE.
I'll say. That's why I decided
to give him an
"etiquette lesson."
I grabbed that leaf-blower
and smashed it against a tree.
MITCH, I MUST SAY
I'M STUNNED.
I CAN'T IMAGINE A MORE
EXTREME RESPONSE
TO SUCH A MINOR INFRACTION.
So I snuck into his backyard
and shoved a whole
pound of rotten shrimp
into his air conditioner.
Come on, summer!
100 scorpions in
a Fed Ex package.
( man cackling)
I'M SORRY, BUT NO MATTER HOW
PROVOKED YOU MAY HAVE BEEN
THERE IS NO EARTHLY
JUSTIFICATION FOR...
SETTING SOMEONE'S LAWN ON FIRE!
But she doesn't curb her dog.
You don't take any
guff. Why should I?
ROCHELLE... ALL OF YOU...
LOOK, DON'T YOU REALIZE
THAT YOUR BEHAVIOR
IS JUST A BIT EXTREME?
I JUST MADE A MINOR BIT OF FORCE
IN ORDER TO JUST MAKE A POINT.
I DIDN'T GO AROUND SMASHING
WINDOWS AND TORCHING LAWNS.
WHERE DOES IT END?
Are you saying
what I did was wrong?
OF COURSE I AM.
But what you did was okay?
NO! NO.
COME TO THINK OF IT...
WHAT I DID WAS JUST AS WRONG.
WHO AM I TO DRAW THE LINE
AT THE ACCEPTABLE
LEVEL OF FORCE?
BECAUSE THE NEXT PERSON
MOVES A LITTLE FARTHER
AND THE NEXT PERSON,
A LITTLE FARTHER STILL
UNTIL WE FINALLY END
UP WITH SCORPIONS
FLYING THROUGH THE MAIL
LIKE CHRISTMAS BUNDT CAKES.
WHAT WE MUST ALL AGREE TO DO
IS TO RESOLVE OUR DIFFERENCES
WITH DISCUSSION AND REASON.
AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I'M GOING TO CALL
THE GENTLEMAN THAT I MANHANDLED
AND... AND APOLOGIZE TO HIM
FOR NOT HAVING
WORKED OUT OUR DISPUTE
IN THE RIGHT WAY
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
THROUGH WORDS.
THE KEY HERE
IS RESTRAINT
AND I DO HOPE YOU'LL
FOLLOW MY LEAD...
BECKY WITH THE NAIL GUN.
OH, PEOPLE. PEOPLE, PLEASE.
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT.
I'M NO HERO.
NO ONE'S EVER GIVEN
ME THE THUMBS UP.
NILES, I'VE DRIVEN ON
THE FREEWAY WITH YOU.
THE REST OF THE HAND HAS
BEEN WELL REPRESENTED.
OH, LOOK, THERE HE IS.
MR. HARVEY.
I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD COME.
YOU REMEMBER MY BROTHER, NILES.
AND WE'RE AT "OUR" TABLE.
LOOK, I'M HERE, SO, SAY
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND.
THERE'S NO NEED
FOR ANY HOSTILITY.
I JUST CAME TO TALK.
TALK? YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
TAKE ANOTHER SHOT AT ME?
NO, THERE'LL BE NOTHING
LIKE THAT HERE TODAY.
I COULD TRY TO EXPLAIN
MY BEHAVIOR BY SAYING
THESE ARE STRESSFUL TIMES
THAT I HAD REACHED
THE END OF MY TETHER
BUT I WON'T DO THAT BECAUSE
I WAS 100% WRONG.
I HAD NO RIGHT
TO TOUCH YOU
AND I ACCEPT FULL
RESPONSIBILITY.
WELL, I'M GLAD TO
HEAR YOU SAY THAT.
I HOPE YOU ALL HEARD THAT TOO.
SO YOU ACCEPT MY APOLOGY?
NO, I'M SUING YOU.
AND A LOT OF WITNESSES
JUST HEARD YOU
ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG.
B-BUT... THESE ARE
STRESSFUL TIMES.
I'D REACHED THE
END OF MY TETHER.
TOUGH. I'M NAILING
YOU FOR ASSAULT.
BUT I HARDLY TOUCHED YOU.
OH, FRASIER, I'M NOT SURPRISED
HE'S HIDING BEHIND LAWYERS.
WHAT OTHER BEHAVIOR
WOULD YOU EXPECT...
FROM A CHICKEN?
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I WAS SPEAKING TO MY BROTHER
BUT, TO PUT IT IN LANGUAGE
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND...
( clucking like a chicken)
NILES!
THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOU
TO ASSERT YOURSELF.
HEY, YOUR BROTHER'S
MAKING TROUBLE HERE.
OOH, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
FLAP ME WITH ONE OF
YOUR BIG FLUFFY WINGS?
NILES, STOP IT.
PLEASE EXCUSE HIM.
OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, FRASIER
DON'T WASTE YOUR BREATH
ON THIS HAIRY, KNUCKLE-DRAGGING
MOUTH-BREATHING TROGLODYTE
WHO'S PROBABLY THE
ONLY MALE IN EXISTENCE
WHO SUFFERS FROM PENIS ENVY!
LOOK HERE, BUDDY...
OOH!
NILES...
NILES, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
COUNTER SUIT.
OH, MY GOD!
NOBODY MOVE HIM!
I BARELY TOUCHED HIM.
THEN YOU ADMIT YOU TOUCHED HIM.
HE ADMITS IT!
OH, NILES.
NILES, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
I PROMISE WE'RE GOING TO GET YOU
THE BEST CARE THIS
MAN'S MONEY CAN BUY!
MY GOD, NILES,
THAT WAS BRILLIANT.
YOU EVEN GOT A TEAR IN YOUR EYE.
I LANDED ON A FORK.
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]