Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 16 - Look Before You Leap - full transcript
It is February 29, Leap Year Day, and Frasier is encouraging everyone to shake up their routine and do something different: he commends a trip to a friend's birthday party in Montana to his father, and a new haircut to Daphne. Also, when Roz tells how she met a man on a bus and subsequently lost him again, Frasier encourages her to use the radio show to find him. He himself decides to sing a challenging aria ("Ella mi fu rapita; Parmi veder le lagrime") from Verdi's Rigoletto at the PBS Pledge Drive that evening, instead of the traditional Buttons and Bows. Niles, meanwhile, is in a very good mood, and announces to Frasier that Maris has offered him a half-hour window in her schedule, but rather than discussion, her plan is sex. In this matter, Frasier advises caution, and although Niles concedes that his brother is right, exercising self-control proves a real challenge, and the challenge only gets greater as everyone else's leaps start to turn into falls.
HEY, DAPHNE!
YOU SEEN EDDIE?
NO, I HAVEN'T.
IT'S NOT RIGHT STARTING THE DAY
WITHOUT HIM LICKING ME AWAKE.
WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME.
MORNING, ALL.
DAPHNE, I GOT TREATS.
WHY DO YOU HAVE HIM?
WE WENT FOR A WALK.
I'M TALKING TO EDDIE.
WHEN I SAW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY
IT WAS TODAY, I
HEADED FOR THE PARK.
OF COURSE, THE ONLY PEOPLE IN
THE PARK THIS HOUR WITHOUT DOGS
ARE WINOS AND THAT
GUY IN THE HAREM PANTS
THAT WASHES HIS
HAIR IN THE FOUNTAIN.
HE SAYS HELLO BY THE WAY.
IT IS SORT OF
NICE OUT, ISN'T IT?
"SORT OF NICE"?
HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE NOTICED THIS?
DAD, YOU SHOULD FEEL THIS.
IT'S 80° OUTSIDE
AND IT'S THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY.
OH, IT IS BEAUTIFUL
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF
SUCH A TERRIBLE WINTER.
OH, I LOVE NATURE'S
LITTLE ABERRATIONS:
WARM DAYS IN WINTER,
FOUR-LEAF CLOVERS
AUSTRALIANS...
YES, IT IS GLORIOUS.
IT DEFIES YOU NOT
TO TAKE A MOMENT
TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE
POWER THAT CREATED IT.
THANK YOU, GLOBAL WARMING.
HEY, FRAS, YOU THINK YOUR
GUY DOWN AT THE LIQUOR STORE
COULD SEND A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH
TO MY BUDDY JIMMY IN MONTANA?
SURE, DAD. WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
TODAY'S HIS 16TH BIRTHDAY.
OH. WELL, THEN YOU'LL WANT
TO THROW IN A HOOKER,
TOO, WON'T YOU?
DON'T YOU GET IT?
IT'S FEBRUARY 29TH.
IT'S A LEAP YEAR.
HE ONLY GETS A BIRTHDAY
EVERY FOUR YEARS.
HE'S REALLY 64.
I CAN DO THE MATH.
JIMMY'S HAVING A
BIG SHINDIG TONIGHT.
LOT OF GUYS FROM
THE FORCE FLY IN FOR IT.
EVERYBODY DRINKS A LOT OF BEER
AND THEN THEY HAVE A CONTEST
TO SEE WHO'S GOT THE BIGGEST SCAR.
THIS YEAR I HAD A REAL
GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING IT
NOW THAT SHARK-BAIT
O'REILLY'S FINALLY DIED.
SO, WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?
YOU SHOULD GO.
AH, MONTANA'S TOO FAR AWAY.
HIS BIRTHDAY COMES AROUND
ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT
THIS DAY ONLY COMES AROUND
ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
IT'S LIKE A FREE DAY, A GIFT.
WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
IT'S LEAP YEAR. TAKE A LEAP.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY
THE SAME THING TO YOU.
YOUR SON'S RIGHT.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID
TO SHAKE UP YOUR
ROUTINE A LITTLE BIT.
I DON'T SEE YOU TAKING
ANY BIG LEAPS TODAY.
IF THERE WAS SOMETHING
I WANTED TO DO, I WOULD.
YOU WHINE ABOUT WANTING
TO CHANGE YOUR HAIR.
I DON'T WHINE.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"I'M SO SICK OF ME HAIR.
"DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
GET IT CUT LIKE PRINCESS DI?
"OOH, DO YOU THINK
THAT'D MAKE ME
CHEEKS LOOK TOO FAT?
"THAT REMINDS ME
OF THE CRAZIEST THING
ME GRAMMY MOON USED TO SAY."
I'LL PAY FOR THE DAMN HAIRCUT
IF YOU STOP YAKKING
AND JUST DO IT.
YES, WELL, I'LL PAY FOR
YOU TO GO TO MONTANA.
THAT'S NOT THE ONE NEXT
TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, IS IT?
NO. AND DAD CAN
PAY FOR HIS OWN TRIP.
ALL RIGHT THEN.
AND I CAN PAY FOR
ME OWN HAIRCUT.
ALL RIGHT, DAD,
BACK IN YOUR COURT.
ARE YOU UP TO THE
LEAP YEAR CHALLENGE?
NAH...
DAD, JIMMY'S ALREADY 16.
HOW MANY MORE BIRTHDAYS
IS HE GOING TO HAVE?
YOU KNOW, I WOULD KIND
OF HATE NOT BEING THERE
WHEN JIMMY BRINGS
OUT THE BIG HAM.
UH, ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL?
I'LL CALL THE AIRLINES LATER.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR BIG
LEAP YEAR CHALLENGE?
I'M SINGING "BUTTONS
AND BOWS" TONIGHT
AT THE P.B.S. PLEDGE DRIVE.
YOU SUNG THAT STUPID
SONG THE LAST THREE YEARS.
BUT I'M DOING SOMETHING
FRESH AND DIFFERENT THIS YEAR.
YOU'RE BLOWING SMOKE.
LIKE A '56 RAMBLER.
GOOD MORNING, NILES.
"GOOD"? IT'S
GLORIOUS, HEAVEN SENT.
AND YOU KNOW WHY? MARIS CALLED.
SHE WANTS TO GET TOGETHER
WITH ME THIS EVENING.
IT'S HIGH TIME YOU AND MARIS
TALKED THROUGH YOUR PROBLEMS.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK.
WHEN SHE SAYS GET TOGETHER
SHE MEANS IN THE "YOU
WEAR THE CREME FRAICHE
I'LL LICK IT OFF" SENSE.
SHE'S CLEARED HER
SCHEDULE FROM 7:00 TILL 7:30.
THAT MEANS FOREPLAY
AND CUDDLING.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE
A KID AND YOUR MOTHER
AND I WOULDN'T DISCUSS
THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS
BECAUSE WE KNEW IT'D
GIVE YOU BAD DREAMS?
YES.
IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET.
BREAKFAST, DR. CRANE?
UH, YES, THANK YOU, DAPHNE.
NILES, I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU
I'M A LITTLE
CONCERNED ABOUT THIS.
MARIS CLAPS HER HANDS,
YOU COME RUNNING.
DON'T FORGET THERE'S
A LITTLE SOMETHING
FOR ME IN THIS TOO.
I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SIX MONTHS.
YOU'VE ONLY BEEN
SEPARATED FOR THREE.
AND YOUR POINT WOULD BE?
YOU WANT TO SACRIFICE
YOUR SELF-RESPECT
FOR A ROLL IN THE HAY?
SUBSTITUTE A 16TH CENTURY
GILTWOOD FAINTING COUCH FOR HAY
AND WATCH ME ROLL.
NILES, YOU AND MARIS HAVE
NOT DISCUSSED YOUR PROBLEMS.
AS A PSYCHIATRIST, YOU KNOW
SEX WILL ONLY CLOUD THE ISSUES.
YOU DON'T REALIZE
HOW DESPERATE I AM.
EVER SINCE OUR SEPARATION
I'VE BEEN PAYING
WOMEN TO TOUCH ME.
OH, NILES.
MANICURISTS, PEDICURISTS...
FACIALISTS.
WHENEVER YOU SEE A
MAN WHO'S WELL-GROOMED
YOU CAN BET HE'S
NOT GETTING ANY.
WELL, WOULD YOU AT LEAST
THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE SAID?
I CAN'T. SHE'S LEAVING FOR
EUROPE IN THE MORNING.
NILES...
YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE
SEX BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT.
I MOST CERTAINLY AM TOO.
YOUR LIPS SAY YES, BUT YOUR
CUTICLES SPEAK VOLUMES.
NILES...
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL TELL HER NO
BUT IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE EASY THOUGH.
OF COURSE NOT.
JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT SEX.
[DAPHNE] WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO BUTTER YOUR BUNS
FOR YOU, DR. CRANE?
[CLATTERING]
GRANDMA IN A TEDDY.
THANK YOU.
♪ YOU'RE ALL MINE IN
BUTTONS AND BOWS. ♪
OH, GOD, IT MUST BE
P.B.S. PLEDGE TIME AGAIN.
MM-HMM.
ROZ, IT IS A WONDERFUL DAY.
I THINK THE ENTIRE
CITY OF SEATTLE
IS CONVINCED IT'S SPRINGTIME.
WALKING DOWN THE STREET I PASSED
A PET STORE AND IN THE WINDOW
I COULD SEE TWO SNAKES
DOING A MATING DANCE.
CELEBRATING A DANCE
THAT BRINGS MORE
SNAKES INTO THE WORLD
IS LIKE TOASTING A LAW
SCHOOL GRADUATION.
WELL, I CAN SEE THE
UNSEASONABLE SUNSHINE
HAS DONE NOTHING TO
IMPROVE YOUR MOOD.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU
LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?
ALIMONY ASIDE, I FOUND
IT RATHER LIBERATING.
MY CAR WOULDN'T START,
SO I HAD TO TAKE THE BUS.
AND WE'RE ALL CROWDED ON THERE,
WHEN SUDDENLY I SMELL LAGERFELD
AND I... I LOOK UP AND...
THERE HE IS.
KARL LAGERFELD.
HIS NAME IS GARY.
I DON'T KNOW HIS LAST NAME.
WE GOT TO TALKING, AND
WE WERE REALLY CONNECTING.
I STARTED TO BELIEVE IN KISMET.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THESE
PEOPLE GET OFF THE BUS
AND I GET OFF TO LET THEM OUT.
THEN THE BUS DRIVES OFF,
OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER.
ANOTHER ONE WOULD HAVE
COME ALONG IN TEN MINUTES OR SO.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
THE GUY. SO AM I.
YOU DON'T GET IT, FRASIER.
I REALLY FELT THIS
GUY WAS THE ONE.
IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO TRY TO FIND HIM
WE REACH HALF A
MILLION LISTENERS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL
YOUR STORY ON THE AIR?
ON THE AIR?! I COULDN'T DO THAT.
IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK PATHETIC.
IT'S TOO BIZARRE.
IT'S TOO NEEDY.
IT'S 2:00.
OH, MY GOD!
A GLORIOUS GOOD
AFTERNOON, SEATTLE.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I'M THINKING A LOT
TODAY ABOUT LEAP YEAR.
TODAY IS FEBRUARY 29
AND ALTHOUGH IT ISN'T
AN OFFICIAL HOLIDAY
PERHAPS IT COULD BE LOOKED UPON
AS ONE IN A METAPHORICAL SENSE.
JUST AS CHRISTMAS REMINDS
US TO BE GENEROUS OF SPIRIT
SO LEAP YEAR REMINDS US TO
TAKE A LEAP IN OUR OWN LIVES
TO BE BOLD, TO TRY
SOMETHING NEW.
OFTEN WE SHRINK FROM DOING
THINGS WE REALLY WANT TO
HELD BACK BY...
OH... APPEARING
FOOLISH, PERHAPS.
ROZ?
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D
LIKE TO SAY BEFORE WE...
START TAKING CALLS?
NO.
I'M REMINDED OF A QUOTATION
BY JOHN GREENLEAF WHITTIER...
"FOR ALL SAD WORDS
OF TONGUE OR PEN
THE SADDEST ARE THESE:
'IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN!'"
ROZ?
NO.
DID YOU KNOW THAT A
WOMAN OVER THE AGE OF 30
HAS LESS CHANCE
OF GETTING MARRIED
THAN OF BEING KILLED
IN A TERRORIST ATTACK?
THIS IS TO GARY.
I WAS ON THE NUMBER
SEVEN BUS AROUND NOON
AND YOU WERE A STOCKBROKER
WITH A TAN BRIEFCASE
AND A CLEFT CHIN
AND THE BUS WAS REALLY CROWDED
AND WE BOTH REACHED
FOR THE HAND STRAP
AND OUR HANDS
TOUCHED AND WE LAUGHED
AND YOU SAID I HAD A GREAT LAUGH
AND I SAID YOU HAD A GREAT LAUGH
AND WE LAUGHED AT THAT.
YOU ASKED ME IF I
WERE FREE ON FRIDAY
BUT WE GOT SEPARATED BEFORE
I GAVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER
WHICH I WOULD HAVE
BECAUSE I LIKED YOU
AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE.
SO, GARY, IF YOU'RE LISTENING
PLEASE, PLEASE, GIVE US A CALL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE WORDS.
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY
GOD! HOW COULD I SAY
"I REALLY LIKED YOU AND I
THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE"?
WHO AM I? MARCIA BRADY?
WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK FOR MORE CALLS
AND MORE ON THE SEARCH FOR GARY
AFTER THIS NEWS BREAK.
GOOD NEWS.
I FIGURED OUT HOW I CAN HAVE
SEX AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY.
AS I PAUSE TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE ON-AIR LIGHT IS OFF...
CONTINUE.
WELL, I WAS DRIVING
DOWN THE FREEWAY
TRYING HARD NOT TO NOTICE
THE PROVOCATIVE DECALS
TRUCKERS HAVE ON
THEIR MUD FLAPS...
WHEN I HEARD YOUR LITTLE SPEECH
ABOUT BREAKING OUT
OF FAMILIAR PATTERNS.
WELL, SLEEPING ALONE
HAS BEEN MY PATTERN.
I'M READY TO TAKE A LEAP.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY, NOT A LEAP.
GIVE ME SOMETHING...
A HOP, A BOUND.
GIVE ME A JUMP.
NILES, WILL YOU JUST GET A GRIP!
IF YOU THOUGHT BEING
WITH MARIS WAS RIGHT
YOU WOULD BE WITH HER.
YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE
ASKING MY PERMISSION.
WHAT IF WE DON'T HAVE SEX?
WHAT IF WE JUST SNUGGLE?
WHOOPS! EXCUSE ME.
ROZ, I NEVER NOTICED
WHAT A PERKY LITTLE
WALK YOU HAVE.
NILES! NILES!
ROZ... ROZ... ROZ...
NILES, GET BACK!
YOU JUST STOP THAT!
NILES, GET CONTROL.
MY GOD, MAN!
THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
THAN IMMEDIATE
PHYSICAL GRATIFICATION.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I JUST HAVE TO MARTIAL
MY SELF-DISCIPLINE
AND... AND BE STRONG.
15 SECONDS.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH
YOUR BROTHER TODAY?
OH, IGNORE HIM.
HUMAN NATURE NEVER
CEASES TO AMAZE ME...
HOW OTHERWISE RATIONAL
PEOPLE CAN BE TURNED
INTO BABBLING NINNIES
BY THEIR HORMONES.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S GARY!
OH, MY GOD! HE'S HERE!
IT'S HIM!
WELL, WE'RE BACK.
YOU'LL ALL BE GLAD TO KNOW
THAT CUPID'S ARROW
HAS HIT ITS MARK.
GARY HAS JUST
ARRIVED IN THE HALLWAY
AND HAS A BIG BOUQUET
OF FLOWERS FOR ROZ.
YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS
I'M REALLY QUITE DELIGHTED
WITH THE WAY THINGS
HAVE TURNED OUT TODAY.
IT INSPIRES ME TO TAKE
A LITTLE LEAP OF MY OWN.
AS YOU KNOW THIS EVENING
FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW
I AM APPEARING ON
THE P.B.S. PLEDGE DRIVE.
I WAS GETTING NERVOUS
THE WAY YOU WERE
DESCRIBING ME ON THE AIR.
WHY?
WELL, MY WIFE
LISTENS TO THE SHOW.
YOU'RE MARRIED?
YEAH, BUT I STILL WANT
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
SO, INSTEAD OF
"BUTTONS AND BOWS"
I HAVE CHOSEN INSTEAD TO
SING A VERY CHALLENGING ARIA
FROM VERDI'S RIGOLETTO...
SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER
ATTEMPTED OUTSIDE THE SHOWER.
I CERTAINLY HOPE
MY LITTLE GAMBLE
TURNS OUT AS
WELL AS ROZ'S HAS...
OR EVEN BETTER.
[SINGING OFF-KEY]
♪ LO CHIE... ♪
OH, GOD.
WELL, PERHAPS THEY'LL PLEDGE
TO GET YOU TO STOP SINGING.
OH, AND THANKS SO MUCH
FOR THE COLD SHOWER TIP.
DID IT WORK?
NO, IT DID NOT. IT'S
AN OLD WIVES' TALE
BECAUSE I'M STILL THINKING
OF MY OLD WIVE'S TAIL.
YES, I SUPPOSE IT STOOD
TO REASON BEING SHOWERED
WITH COLDNESS WOULD ONLY
BRING MARIS MORE TO MIND.
KEEP IT UP, I WON'T
HELP YOU REHEARSE.
I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT
I'M AWFULLY NERVOUS.
AS MUCH AS I ADMIRE YOUR
WILLINGNESS TO TAKE A LEAP
I DID WARN YOU THAT YOU WERE
GETTING INTO A DANGEROUS ARIA.
I'M USING HUMOR TO
MASK SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.
IT'S HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN.
I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT
BUT MARIS HAS GOT TO LEARN
THAT YOU'RE NOT SOMEONE
WHO CAN BE ORDERED
TO PERFORM AT WILL.
NOW SIT. PLAY.
[PLAYING UP-TEMPO INTRO]
♪ DEL LA... ♪
[DOOR SLAMS]
NEXT TIME IT LOOKS
LIKE I'M GOING TO FOLLOW
A PIECE OF YOUR ADVICE,
SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD.
DAD, WHY AREN'T YOU IN MONTANA?
15 MINUTES OUT, A
FLOCK OF CANADIAN GEESE
FLEW INTO ONE OF OUR ENGINES.
THEY WERE THE LUCKY ONES.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
WE'RE FALLING 5,000 FEET.
SMOKEHOUSE ALMONDS
ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE.
PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING
AND HUGGING EACH OTHER.
THE GUY NEXT TO ME GRABBED
MY HAND, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DIDN'T PULL IT AWAY.
THEN OUR PILOT SAYS
OUR LANDING GEAR'S OUT.
WE HAVE TO DO AN
EMERGENCY BELLY LANDING
IN SIX FEET OF FOAM.
SO FIVE HELLISH MINUTES LATER
WE'RE BOUNCING
ACROSS THE RUNWAY.
THEN THE STEWARDESS
COMES OUT AND SAYS
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO
DOWN THE EMERGENCY SLIDE.
SO DOWN I GO HEAD FIRST
INTO THIS SEA OF FOAM.
THE LAST THING I REMEMBER
THIS FAT LADY FROM
ACROSS THE AISLE
COMES BARRELING DOWN
THE CHUTE AFTER ME
LIKE A POLYESTER AVALANCHE.
OH, MY GOD.
DAD, I AM SO SORRY.
SO THESE STEWARDESSES, WERE
THEY ALSO COVERED WITH FOAM?
WILL YOU STOP IT!
NOW, DAD, UH, IF YOU'D
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT
WE'RE BOTH HERE FOR YOU.
BOY, I TELL YOU,
TIMES LIKE THIS...
ALL YOU CAN THINK
OF IS YOUR LOVED ONES
AND HOW YOU WISHED YOU'D
SPENT MORE TIME WITH THEM.
EDDIE! EDDIE. EDDIE.
WELL, LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.
I NEED SOMETHING TO
TAKE MY MIND OFF THE FACT
THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT
MARIS IS SLIPPING OUT OF
HER FRILLY UNDERTHINGS
AND INTO A NON-FAT MILK BATH.
SOMETHING WRONG?
YEAH, SOMETHING'S WRONG.
THINGS TURNED OUT SO
BADLY FOR ROZ AND DAD TODAY
I'M JUST WONDERING IF MAYBE
MY LITTLE LEAP IS ILL-ADVISED.
MAYBE THIS ARIA THING
WON'T TURN OUT
QUITE SO WELL EITHER.
JUST BECAUSE THEIRS WENT WRONG
DOESN'T MEAN YOURS WILL TOO.
THOSE WERE TWO
ISOLATED INCIDENTS.
ALL RIGHT.
♪ DEL LA... ♪
OH, WILL THESE INFERNAL
TEMPTATIONS NEVER END?!
OH, TELL ME THE TRUTH.
IS IT AS BAD AS I THINK IT IS?
HOW...
BAD DO YOU THINK IT IS?
"TAKE A LEAP"!
MR. MAURICE... HAIR DESIGN...
AND "TRUST ME"!
CHILDREN POINTING!
YOUR FAULT!
OKAY, THAT'S IT. I
CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I'M LEAVING.
NO, I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER.
NO ONE WHO'S FOLLOWED YOUR
LITTLE TAKE A LEAP PHILOSOPHY
HAS ENDED UP EVEN
REMOTELY BETTER.
I'M GOING TO MARIS.
YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!
I DON'T CARE.
NILES GOTTA HAVE IT.
[PHONES RINGING]
OH, PETE.
HI, DOC. I HEAR YOU'RE DOING
SOMETHING NEW THIS YEAR.
WHOA.
IS IT TOO HARD FOR YOU?
NO. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I CAN HIT ANY NOTE.
SEE?
NO, LAMB CHOP'S NOT HERE.
BIG BIRD ISN'T HERE EITHER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO LATE?
OH. DO YOU HAVE YOUR
MOMMY'S CREDIT CARD HANDY?
HAVE YOUR MOMMY
CALL US BACK LATER.
BYE-BYE.
WELL, I GUESS YOUR LITTLE ARIA
MUST BE COMING UP SOON.
YEAH, ALONG WITH
SOME VEAL MILANESE
AND A RATHER
DISAPPOINTING CHARDONNAY.
OH, ROZ, I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT STILL ANGRY AT ME
FOR THE WAY MY
ADVICE BACKFIRED TODAY.
OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU
I ADMIRE YOU FOR WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TONIGHT.
AFTER WATCHING ME
CRASH AND BURN LIKE THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO GO OUT AND SING
THIS VERY DIFFICULT SONG...
IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE
UNDER THESE UNFLATTERING LIGHTS
WITH YOUR CLOTHES SOAKED
WITH SWEAT ON LIVE TELEVISION.
HOW LONG ARE YOU
GOING TO STAY MAD AT ME?
UNTIL THE DAY I GET MARRIED.
I'VE BEEN GOING OVER YOUR MUSIC
AND WHEN WE GET TO THIS SECTION
EITHER I CAN PLAY REALLY
LOUD OR JAB YOU WITH A PIN
BECAUSE BETWEEN YOU AND
ME, YOU'RE NOT HITTING THIS NOTE
WITHOUT A POLE VAULT.
TEN SECONDS, DR. CRANE.
THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
I'M NOT DOING THE ARIA.
WHAT? YOU'RE BACKING OUT
AFTER YOU MADE ALL OF US
TAKE THOSE STUPID LEAPS?
IT MAY BE AN UNWISE MAN
WHO DOESN'T LEARN
FROM HIS OWN MISTAKES
BUT IT'S AN IDIOT THAT DOESN'T
LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S.
BUT YOU PROMISED
ALL YOUR LISTENERS.
OH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
WHO WATCHES P.B.S.?!
I'LL TELL YOU WHO...
DISCERNING, CULTURED
VIEWERS LIKE YOURSELVES.
HELLO. I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE
AND LIKE YOURSELVES, I CARE
ABOUT QUALITY PROGRAMMING
SUCH AS FOREIGN FILMS
CLASSICAL MUSIC, OPERA
WHICH IS WHY I INTENDED TO SING
A RATHER CHALLENGING PIECE...
AN ARIA FROM
VERDI'S RIGOLETTO...
BUT WHO AM I TO IGNORE
THE DOZENS OF PHONE CALLS
THAT HAVE COME IN
REQUESTING MY SIGNATURE PIECE
A RATHER CHARMING LITTLE DITTY
THAT I FIRST SANG
THREE YEARS AGO
ON CLASSIC WESTERN MOVIE WEEK.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER
ADO, I GIVE YOU...
"BUTTONS AND BOWS..."
FROM PALEFACE.
MAESTRO, PLEASE.
[PLAYING INTRO]
♪ EAST IS EAST
AND WEST IS WEST ♪
♪ AND THE WRONG
ONE I HAVE CHOSE ♪
♪ LET'S GO WHERE YOU'LL
KEEP ON WEARING THOSE... ♪
♪ DA-DA-DA... BA-BA DOWS ♪
♪ AND THINGS AND BUTTONS
AND BUTTONS AND BOWS ♪
♪ DON'T BURY ME THE SOMETHING
"P" SOMETHING LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LET'S ALL GO TO A... ♪
♪ TACO SHOW AND... ♪
♪ SUCH AN IMPRESSIVE...
BLOW MY NOSE ♪
♪ YOU LOOK GREAT IN
BUTTONS AND BOWS ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU IN BUCKSKIN ♪
♪ LA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA ♪
♪ AND DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
FA-FA-FA ♪
♪ HA-HA ♪
EVERYBODY!
♪ MY BONES DENOUNCE
THE FEARFUL TROUNCE ♪
♪ AND LA-LA-LA-LA
MOLE THAT GROWS ♪
♪ BADA SOUSE A POM CAPOOSE ♪
♪ AND PENTA HOSS ♪
♪ AND PANTY HOSE ♪
♪ YOU'LL LOOK BUBBITY
BUTTONS AND BOWS. ♪
[LAUGHING]
OH, I BET THIS IS ONE LEAP
YEAR DR. CRANE WON'T BE SORRY
TO SEE THE BACK OF.
OH, SHOULD WE REWIND IT
SO WE CAN WATCH IT AGAIN?
NOT YET. LET HIM FINISH FIRST.
THIS IS THE VERSE
WHERE HE REALLY LOSES IT.
[TOGETHER] ♪ BIPPITY
BOPPITY HIPPITY DOWS ♪
♪ SOMETHING AND SOMETHING
AND BUTTONS AND BOWS. ♪
OKAY, NOW YOU CAN REWIND IT.
HEY!
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]
YOU SEEN EDDIE?
NO, I HAVEN'T.
IT'S NOT RIGHT STARTING THE DAY
WITHOUT HIM LICKING ME AWAKE.
WELL, DON'T LOOK AT ME.
MORNING, ALL.
DAPHNE, I GOT TREATS.
WHY DO YOU HAVE HIM?
WE WENT FOR A WALK.
I'M TALKING TO EDDIE.
WHEN I SAW WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY
IT WAS TODAY, I
HEADED FOR THE PARK.
OF COURSE, THE ONLY PEOPLE IN
THE PARK THIS HOUR WITHOUT DOGS
ARE WINOS AND THAT
GUY IN THE HAREM PANTS
THAT WASHES HIS
HAIR IN THE FOUNTAIN.
HE SAYS HELLO BY THE WAY.
IT IS SORT OF
NICE OUT, ISN'T IT?
"SORT OF NICE"?
HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE NOTICED THIS?
DAD, YOU SHOULD FEEL THIS.
IT'S 80° OUTSIDE
AND IT'S THE MIDDLE OF FEBRUARY.
OH, IT IS BEAUTIFUL
AND IN THE MIDDLE OF
SUCH A TERRIBLE WINTER.
OH, I LOVE NATURE'S
LITTLE ABERRATIONS:
WARM DAYS IN WINTER,
FOUR-LEAF CLOVERS
AUSTRALIANS...
YES, IT IS GLORIOUS.
IT DEFIES YOU NOT
TO TAKE A MOMENT
TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE
POWER THAT CREATED IT.
THANK YOU, GLOBAL WARMING.
HEY, FRAS, YOU THINK YOUR
GUY DOWN AT THE LIQUOR STORE
COULD SEND A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH
TO MY BUDDY JIMMY IN MONTANA?
SURE, DAD. WHAT'S THE OCCASION?
TODAY'S HIS 16TH BIRTHDAY.
OH. WELL, THEN YOU'LL WANT
TO THROW IN A HOOKER,
TOO, WON'T YOU?
DON'T YOU GET IT?
IT'S FEBRUARY 29TH.
IT'S A LEAP YEAR.
HE ONLY GETS A BIRTHDAY
EVERY FOUR YEARS.
HE'S REALLY 64.
I CAN DO THE MATH.
JIMMY'S HAVING A
BIG SHINDIG TONIGHT.
LOT OF GUYS FROM
THE FORCE FLY IN FOR IT.
EVERYBODY DRINKS A LOT OF BEER
AND THEN THEY HAVE A CONTEST
TO SEE WHO'S GOT THE BIGGEST SCAR.
THIS YEAR I HAD A REAL
GOOD CHANCE OF WINNING IT
NOW THAT SHARK-BAIT
O'REILLY'S FINALLY DIED.
SO, WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?
YOU SHOULD GO.
AH, MONTANA'S TOO FAR AWAY.
HIS BIRTHDAY COMES AROUND
ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT
THIS DAY ONLY COMES AROUND
ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS.
IT'S LIKE A FREE DAY, A GIFT.
WE SHOULD DO SOMETHING SPECIAL.
IT'S LEAP YEAR. TAKE A LEAP.
I WAS JUST ABOUT TO SAY
THE SAME THING TO YOU.
YOUR SON'S RIGHT.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE AFRAID
TO SHAKE UP YOUR
ROUTINE A LITTLE BIT.
I DON'T SEE YOU TAKING
ANY BIG LEAPS TODAY.
IF THERE WAS SOMETHING
I WANTED TO DO, I WOULD.
YOU WHINE ABOUT WANTING
TO CHANGE YOUR HAIR.
I DON'T WHINE.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
"I'M SO SICK OF ME HAIR.
"DO YOU THINK I SHOULD
GET IT CUT LIKE PRINCESS DI?
"OOH, DO YOU THINK
THAT'D MAKE ME
CHEEKS LOOK TOO FAT?
"THAT REMINDS ME
OF THE CRAZIEST THING
ME GRAMMY MOON USED TO SAY."
I'LL PAY FOR THE DAMN HAIRCUT
IF YOU STOP YAKKING
AND JUST DO IT.
YES, WELL, I'LL PAY FOR
YOU TO GO TO MONTANA.
THAT'S NOT THE ONE NEXT
TO NEW HAMPSHIRE, IS IT?
NO. AND DAD CAN
PAY FOR HIS OWN TRIP.
ALL RIGHT THEN.
AND I CAN PAY FOR
ME OWN HAIRCUT.
ALL RIGHT, DAD,
BACK IN YOUR COURT.
ARE YOU UP TO THE
LEAP YEAR CHALLENGE?
NAH...
DAD, JIMMY'S ALREADY 16.
HOW MANY MORE BIRTHDAYS
IS HE GOING TO HAVE?
YOU KNOW, I WOULD KIND
OF HATE NOT BEING THERE
WHEN JIMMY BRINGS
OUT THE BIG HAM.
UH, ALL RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL?
I'LL CALL THE AIRLINES LATER.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
HEY, WHAT'S YOUR BIG
LEAP YEAR CHALLENGE?
I'M SINGING "BUTTONS
AND BOWS" TONIGHT
AT THE P.B.S. PLEDGE DRIVE.
YOU SUNG THAT STUPID
SONG THE LAST THREE YEARS.
BUT I'M DOING SOMETHING
FRESH AND DIFFERENT THIS YEAR.
YOU'RE BLOWING SMOKE.
LIKE A '56 RAMBLER.
GOOD MORNING, NILES.
"GOOD"? IT'S
GLORIOUS, HEAVEN SENT.
AND YOU KNOW WHY? MARIS CALLED.
SHE WANTS TO GET TOGETHER
WITH ME THIS EVENING.
IT'S HIGH TIME YOU AND MARIS
TALKED THROUGH YOUR PROBLEMS.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK.
WHEN SHE SAYS GET TOGETHER
SHE MEANS IN THE "YOU
WEAR THE CREME FRAICHE
I'LL LICK IT OFF" SENSE.
SHE'S CLEARED HER
SCHEDULE FROM 7:00 TILL 7:30.
THAT MEANS FOREPLAY
AND CUDDLING.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE
A KID AND YOUR MOTHER
AND I WOULDN'T DISCUSS
THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS
BECAUSE WE KNEW IT'D
GIVE YOU BAD DREAMS?
YES.
IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET.
BREAKFAST, DR. CRANE?
UH, YES, THANK YOU, DAPHNE.
NILES, I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU
I'M A LITTLE
CONCERNED ABOUT THIS.
MARIS CLAPS HER HANDS,
YOU COME RUNNING.
DON'T FORGET THERE'S
A LITTLE SOMETHING
FOR ME IN THIS TOO.
I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN SIX MONTHS.
YOU'VE ONLY BEEN
SEPARATED FOR THREE.
AND YOUR POINT WOULD BE?
YOU WANT TO SACRIFICE
YOUR SELF-RESPECT
FOR A ROLL IN THE HAY?
SUBSTITUTE A 16TH CENTURY
GILTWOOD FAINTING COUCH FOR HAY
AND WATCH ME ROLL.
NILES, YOU AND MARIS HAVE
NOT DISCUSSED YOUR PROBLEMS.
AS A PSYCHIATRIST, YOU KNOW
SEX WILL ONLY CLOUD THE ISSUES.
YOU DON'T REALIZE
HOW DESPERATE I AM.
EVER SINCE OUR SEPARATION
I'VE BEEN PAYING
WOMEN TO TOUCH ME.
OH, NILES.
MANICURISTS, PEDICURISTS...
FACIALISTS.
WHENEVER YOU SEE A
MAN WHO'S WELL-GROOMED
YOU CAN BET HE'S
NOT GETTING ANY.
WELL, WOULD YOU AT LEAST
THINK ABOUT WHAT I'VE SAID?
I CAN'T. SHE'S LEAVING FOR
EUROPE IN THE MORNING.
NILES...
YOU KNOW I'M RIGHT.
YOU DON'T WANT ME TO HAVE
SEX BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT.
I MOST CERTAINLY AM TOO.
YOUR LIPS SAY YES, BUT YOUR
CUTICLES SPEAK VOLUMES.
NILES...
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'LL TELL HER NO
BUT IT'S NOT GOING
TO BE EASY THOUGH.
OF COURSE NOT.
JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT SEX.
[DAPHNE] WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO BUTTER YOUR BUNS
FOR YOU, DR. CRANE?
[CLATTERING]
GRANDMA IN A TEDDY.
THANK YOU.
♪ YOU'RE ALL MINE IN
BUTTONS AND BOWS. ♪
OH, GOD, IT MUST BE
P.B.S. PLEDGE TIME AGAIN.
MM-HMM.
ROZ, IT IS A WONDERFUL DAY.
I THINK THE ENTIRE
CITY OF SEATTLE
IS CONVINCED IT'S SPRINGTIME.
WALKING DOWN THE STREET I PASSED
A PET STORE AND IN THE WINDOW
I COULD SEE TWO SNAKES
DOING A MATING DANCE.
CELEBRATING A DANCE
THAT BRINGS MORE
SNAKES INTO THE WORLD
IS LIKE TOASTING A LAW
SCHOOL GRADUATION.
WELL, I CAN SEE THE
UNSEASONABLE SUNSHINE
HAS DONE NOTHING TO
IMPROVE YOUR MOOD.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU
LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE?
ALIMONY ASIDE, I FOUND
IT RATHER LIBERATING.
MY CAR WOULDN'T START,
SO I HAD TO TAKE THE BUS.
AND WE'RE ALL CROWDED ON THERE,
WHEN SUDDENLY I SMELL LAGERFELD
AND I... I LOOK UP AND...
THERE HE IS.
KARL LAGERFELD.
HIS NAME IS GARY.
I DON'T KNOW HIS LAST NAME.
WE GOT TO TALKING, AND
WE WERE REALLY CONNECTING.
I STARTED TO BELIEVE IN KISMET.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, THESE
PEOPLE GET OFF THE BUS
AND I GET OFF TO LET THEM OUT.
THEN THE BUS DRIVES OFF,
OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER.
ANOTHER ONE WOULD HAVE
COME ALONG IN TEN MINUTES OR SO.
I'M TALKING ABOUT
THE GUY. SO AM I.
YOU DON'T GET IT, FRASIER.
I REALLY FELT THIS
GUY WAS THE ONE.
IF YOU REALLY WANT
TO TRY TO FIND HIM
WE REACH HALF A
MILLION LISTENERS.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL
YOUR STORY ON THE AIR?
ON THE AIR?! I COULDN'T DO THAT.
IT WOULD MAKE ME LOOK PATHETIC.
IT'S TOO BIZARRE.
IT'S TOO NEEDY.
IT'S 2:00.
OH, MY GOD!
A GLORIOUS GOOD
AFTERNOON, SEATTLE.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I'M THINKING A LOT
TODAY ABOUT LEAP YEAR.
TODAY IS FEBRUARY 29
AND ALTHOUGH IT ISN'T
AN OFFICIAL HOLIDAY
PERHAPS IT COULD BE LOOKED UPON
AS ONE IN A METAPHORICAL SENSE.
JUST AS CHRISTMAS REMINDS
US TO BE GENEROUS OF SPIRIT
SO LEAP YEAR REMINDS US TO
TAKE A LEAP IN OUR OWN LIVES
TO BE BOLD, TO TRY
SOMETHING NEW.
OFTEN WE SHRINK FROM DOING
THINGS WE REALLY WANT TO
HELD BACK BY...
OH... APPEARING
FOOLISH, PERHAPS.
ROZ?
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU'D
LIKE TO SAY BEFORE WE...
START TAKING CALLS?
NO.
I'M REMINDED OF A QUOTATION
BY JOHN GREENLEAF WHITTIER...
"FOR ALL SAD WORDS
OF TONGUE OR PEN
THE SADDEST ARE THESE:
'IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN!'"
ROZ?
NO.
DID YOU KNOW THAT A
WOMAN OVER THE AGE OF 30
HAS LESS CHANCE
OF GETTING MARRIED
THAN OF BEING KILLED
IN A TERRORIST ATTACK?
THIS IS TO GARY.
I WAS ON THE NUMBER
SEVEN BUS AROUND NOON
AND YOU WERE A STOCKBROKER
WITH A TAN BRIEFCASE
AND A CLEFT CHIN
AND THE BUS WAS REALLY CROWDED
AND WE BOTH REACHED
FOR THE HAND STRAP
AND OUR HANDS
TOUCHED AND WE LAUGHED
AND YOU SAID I HAD A GREAT LAUGH
AND I SAID YOU HAD A GREAT LAUGH
AND WE LAUGHED AT THAT.
YOU ASKED ME IF I
WERE FREE ON FRIDAY
BUT WE GOT SEPARATED BEFORE
I GAVE YOU MY PHONE NUMBER
WHICH I WOULD HAVE
BECAUSE I LIKED YOU
AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE.
SO, GARY, IF YOU'RE LISTENING
PLEASE, PLEASE, GIVE US A CALL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THESE WORDS.
OH, MY GOD! OH, MY
GOD! HOW COULD I SAY
"I REALLY LIKED YOU AND I
THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE"?
WHO AM I? MARCIA BRADY?
WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK FOR MORE CALLS
AND MORE ON THE SEARCH FOR GARY
AFTER THIS NEWS BREAK.
GOOD NEWS.
I FIGURED OUT HOW I CAN HAVE
SEX AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY.
AS I PAUSE TO MAKE SURE
THAT THE ON-AIR LIGHT IS OFF...
CONTINUE.
WELL, I WAS DRIVING
DOWN THE FREEWAY
TRYING HARD NOT TO NOTICE
THE PROVOCATIVE DECALS
TRUCKERS HAVE ON
THEIR MUD FLAPS...
WHEN I HEARD YOUR LITTLE SPEECH
ABOUT BREAKING OUT
OF FAMILIAR PATTERNS.
WELL, SLEEPING ALONE
HAS BEEN MY PATTERN.
I'M READY TO TAKE A LEAP.
NO, YOU'RE NOT.
OKAY, NOT A LEAP.
GIVE ME SOMETHING...
A HOP, A BOUND.
GIVE ME A JUMP.
NILES, WILL YOU JUST GET A GRIP!
IF YOU THOUGHT BEING
WITH MARIS WAS RIGHT
YOU WOULD BE WITH HER.
YOU KNOW IT'S WRONG.
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE
ASKING MY PERMISSION.
WHAT IF WE DON'T HAVE SEX?
WHAT IF WE JUST SNUGGLE?
WHOOPS! EXCUSE ME.
ROZ, I NEVER NOTICED
WHAT A PERKY LITTLE
WALK YOU HAVE.
NILES! NILES!
ROZ... ROZ... ROZ...
NILES, GET BACK!
YOU JUST STOP THAT!
NILES, GET CONTROL.
MY GOD, MAN!
THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS
THAN IMMEDIATE
PHYSICAL GRATIFICATION.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I JUST HAVE TO MARTIAL
MY SELF-DISCIPLINE
AND... AND BE STRONG.
15 SECONDS.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH
YOUR BROTHER TODAY?
OH, IGNORE HIM.
HUMAN NATURE NEVER
CEASES TO AMAZE ME...
HOW OTHERWISE RATIONAL
PEOPLE CAN BE TURNED
INTO BABBLING NINNIES
BY THEIR HORMONES.
OH, MY GOD! IT'S GARY!
OH, MY GOD! HE'S HERE!
IT'S HIM!
WELL, WE'RE BACK.
YOU'LL ALL BE GLAD TO KNOW
THAT CUPID'S ARROW
HAS HIT ITS MARK.
GARY HAS JUST
ARRIVED IN THE HALLWAY
AND HAS A BIG BOUQUET
OF FLOWERS FOR ROZ.
YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS
I'M REALLY QUITE DELIGHTED
WITH THE WAY THINGS
HAVE TURNED OUT TODAY.
IT INSPIRES ME TO TAKE
A LITTLE LEAP OF MY OWN.
AS YOU KNOW THIS EVENING
FOR THE THIRD YEAR IN A ROW
I AM APPEARING ON
THE P.B.S. PLEDGE DRIVE.
I WAS GETTING NERVOUS
THE WAY YOU WERE
DESCRIBING ME ON THE AIR.
WHY?
WELL, MY WIFE
LISTENS TO THE SHOW.
YOU'RE MARRIED?
YEAH, BUT I STILL WANT
TO GO OUT WITH YOU.
SO, INSTEAD OF
"BUTTONS AND BOWS"
I HAVE CHOSEN INSTEAD TO
SING A VERY CHALLENGING ARIA
FROM VERDI'S RIGOLETTO...
SOMETHING I HAVE NEVER
ATTEMPTED OUTSIDE THE SHOWER.
I CERTAINLY HOPE
MY LITTLE GAMBLE
TURNS OUT AS
WELL AS ROZ'S HAS...
OR EVEN BETTER.
[SINGING OFF-KEY]
♪ LO CHIE... ♪
OH, GOD.
WELL, PERHAPS THEY'LL PLEDGE
TO GET YOU TO STOP SINGING.
OH, AND THANKS SO MUCH
FOR THE COLD SHOWER TIP.
DID IT WORK?
NO, IT DID NOT. IT'S
AN OLD WIVES' TALE
BECAUSE I'M STILL THINKING
OF MY OLD WIVE'S TAIL.
YES, I SUPPOSE IT STOOD
TO REASON BEING SHOWERED
WITH COLDNESS WOULD ONLY
BRING MARIS MORE TO MIND.
KEEP IT UP, I WON'T
HELP YOU REHEARSE.
I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST THAT
I'M AWFULLY NERVOUS.
AS MUCH AS I ADMIRE YOUR
WILLINGNESS TO TAKE A LEAP
I DID WARN YOU THAT YOU WERE
GETTING INTO A DANGEROUS ARIA.
I'M USING HUMOR TO
MASK SEXUAL FRUSTRATION.
IT'S HIGH SCHOOL AGAIN.
I KNOW IT'S DIFFICULT
BUT MARIS HAS GOT TO LEARN
THAT YOU'RE NOT SOMEONE
WHO CAN BE ORDERED
TO PERFORM AT WILL.
NOW SIT. PLAY.
[PLAYING UP-TEMPO INTRO]
♪ DEL LA... ♪
[DOOR SLAMS]
NEXT TIME IT LOOKS
LIKE I'M GOING TO FOLLOW
A PIECE OF YOUR ADVICE,
SHOOT ME IN THE HEAD.
DAD, WHY AREN'T YOU IN MONTANA?
15 MINUTES OUT, A
FLOCK OF CANADIAN GEESE
FLEW INTO ONE OF OUR ENGINES.
THEY WERE THE LUCKY ONES.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
WE'RE FALLING 5,000 FEET.
SMOKEHOUSE ALMONDS
ARE FLYING EVERYWHERE.
PEOPLE ARE SCREAMING
AND HUGGING EACH OTHER.
THE GUY NEXT TO ME GRABBED
MY HAND, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DIDN'T PULL IT AWAY.
THEN OUR PILOT SAYS
OUR LANDING GEAR'S OUT.
WE HAVE TO DO AN
EMERGENCY BELLY LANDING
IN SIX FEET OF FOAM.
SO FIVE HELLISH MINUTES LATER
WE'RE BOUNCING
ACROSS THE RUNWAY.
THEN THE STEWARDESS
COMES OUT AND SAYS
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO
DOWN THE EMERGENCY SLIDE.
SO DOWN I GO HEAD FIRST
INTO THIS SEA OF FOAM.
THE LAST THING I REMEMBER
THIS FAT LADY FROM
ACROSS THE AISLE
COMES BARRELING DOWN
THE CHUTE AFTER ME
LIKE A POLYESTER AVALANCHE.
OH, MY GOD.
DAD, I AM SO SORRY.
SO THESE STEWARDESSES, WERE
THEY ALSO COVERED WITH FOAM?
WILL YOU STOP IT!
NOW, DAD, UH, IF YOU'D
LIKE TO TALK ABOUT IT
WE'RE BOTH HERE FOR YOU.
BOY, I TELL YOU,
TIMES LIKE THIS...
ALL YOU CAN THINK
OF IS YOUR LOVED ONES
AND HOW YOU WISHED YOU'D
SPENT MORE TIME WITH THEM.
EDDIE! EDDIE. EDDIE.
WELL, LET'S GET BACK TO WORK.
I NEED SOMETHING TO
TAKE MY MIND OFF THE FACT
THAT AT THIS VERY MOMENT
MARIS IS SLIPPING OUT OF
HER FRILLY UNDERTHINGS
AND INTO A NON-FAT MILK BATH.
SOMETHING WRONG?
YEAH, SOMETHING'S WRONG.
THINGS TURNED OUT SO
BADLY FOR ROZ AND DAD TODAY
I'M JUST WONDERING IF MAYBE
MY LITTLE LEAP IS ILL-ADVISED.
MAYBE THIS ARIA THING
WON'T TURN OUT
QUITE SO WELL EITHER.
JUST BECAUSE THEIRS WENT WRONG
DOESN'T MEAN YOURS WILL TOO.
THOSE WERE TWO
ISOLATED INCIDENTS.
ALL RIGHT.
♪ DEL LA... ♪
OH, WILL THESE INFERNAL
TEMPTATIONS NEVER END?!
OH, TELL ME THE TRUTH.
IS IT AS BAD AS I THINK IT IS?
HOW...
BAD DO YOU THINK IT IS?
"TAKE A LEAP"!
MR. MAURICE... HAIR DESIGN...
AND "TRUST ME"!
CHILDREN POINTING!
YOUR FAULT!
OKAY, THAT'S IT. I
CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I'M LEAVING.
NO, I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER.
NO ONE WHO'S FOLLOWED YOUR
LITTLE TAKE A LEAP PHILOSOPHY
HAS ENDED UP EVEN
REMOTELY BETTER.
I'M GOING TO MARIS.
YOU WILL RUE THE DAY!
I DON'T CARE.
NILES GOTTA HAVE IT.
[PHONES RINGING]
OH, PETE.
HI, DOC. I HEAR YOU'RE DOING
SOMETHING NEW THIS YEAR.
WHOA.
IS IT TOO HARD FOR YOU?
NO. I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
I CAN HIT ANY NOTE.
SEE?
NO, LAMB CHOP'S NOT HERE.
BIG BIRD ISN'T HERE EITHER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO LATE?
OH. DO YOU HAVE YOUR
MOMMY'S CREDIT CARD HANDY?
HAVE YOUR MOMMY
CALL US BACK LATER.
BYE-BYE.
WELL, I GUESS YOUR LITTLE ARIA
MUST BE COMING UP SOON.
YEAH, ALONG WITH
SOME VEAL MILANESE
AND A RATHER
DISAPPOINTING CHARDONNAY.
OH, ROZ, I HOPE YOU'RE
NOT STILL ANGRY AT ME
FOR THE WAY MY
ADVICE BACKFIRED TODAY.
OH, NO, NOT AT ALL.
I'VE BEEN MEANING TO TELL YOU
I ADMIRE YOU FOR WHAT
YOU'RE DOING TONIGHT.
AFTER WATCHING ME
CRASH AND BURN LIKE THAT
YOU'RE GOING TO GO OUT AND SING
THIS VERY DIFFICULT SONG...
IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE
UNDER THESE UNFLATTERING LIGHTS
WITH YOUR CLOTHES SOAKED
WITH SWEAT ON LIVE TELEVISION.
HOW LONG ARE YOU
GOING TO STAY MAD AT ME?
UNTIL THE DAY I GET MARRIED.
I'VE BEEN GOING OVER YOUR MUSIC
AND WHEN WE GET TO THIS SECTION
EITHER I CAN PLAY REALLY
LOUD OR JAB YOU WITH A PIN
BECAUSE BETWEEN YOU AND
ME, YOU'RE NOT HITTING THIS NOTE
WITHOUT A POLE VAULT.
TEN SECONDS, DR. CRANE.
THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT.
I'M NOT DOING THE ARIA.
WHAT? YOU'RE BACKING OUT
AFTER YOU MADE ALL OF US
TAKE THOSE STUPID LEAPS?
IT MAY BE AN UNWISE MAN
WHO DOESN'T LEARN
FROM HIS OWN MISTAKES
BUT IT'S AN IDIOT THAT DOESN'T
LEARN FROM OTHER PEOPLE'S.
BUT YOU PROMISED
ALL YOUR LISTENERS.
OH, WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
WHO WATCHES P.B.S.?!
I'LL TELL YOU WHO...
DISCERNING, CULTURED
VIEWERS LIKE YOURSELVES.
HELLO. I'M DR. FRASIER CRANE
AND LIKE YOURSELVES, I CARE
ABOUT QUALITY PROGRAMMING
SUCH AS FOREIGN FILMS
CLASSICAL MUSIC, OPERA
WHICH IS WHY I INTENDED TO SING
A RATHER CHALLENGING PIECE...
AN ARIA FROM
VERDI'S RIGOLETTO...
BUT WHO AM I TO IGNORE
THE DOZENS OF PHONE CALLS
THAT HAVE COME IN
REQUESTING MY SIGNATURE PIECE
A RATHER CHARMING LITTLE DITTY
THAT I FIRST SANG
THREE YEARS AGO
ON CLASSIC WESTERN MOVIE WEEK.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER
ADO, I GIVE YOU...
"BUTTONS AND BOWS..."
FROM PALEFACE.
MAESTRO, PLEASE.
[PLAYING INTRO]
♪ EAST IS EAST
AND WEST IS WEST ♪
♪ AND THE WRONG
ONE I HAVE CHOSE ♪
♪ LET'S GO WHERE YOU'LL
KEEP ON WEARING THOSE... ♪
♪ DA-DA-DA... BA-BA DOWS ♪
♪ AND THINGS AND BUTTONS
AND BUTTONS AND BOWS ♪
♪ DON'T BURY ME THE SOMETHING
"P" SOMETHING LA-LA-LA ♪
♪ LET'S ALL GO TO A... ♪
♪ TACO SHOW AND... ♪
♪ SUCH AN IMPRESSIVE...
BLOW MY NOSE ♪
♪ YOU LOOK GREAT IN
BUTTONS AND BOWS ♪
♪ I LOVE YOU IN BUCKSKIN ♪
♪ LA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA ♪
♪ AND DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA
FA-FA-FA ♪
♪ HA-HA ♪
EVERYBODY!
♪ MY BONES DENOUNCE
THE FEARFUL TROUNCE ♪
♪ AND LA-LA-LA-LA
MOLE THAT GROWS ♪
♪ BADA SOUSE A POM CAPOOSE ♪
♪ AND PENTA HOSS ♪
♪ AND PANTY HOSE ♪
♪ YOU'LL LOOK BUBBITY
BUTTONS AND BOWS. ♪
[LAUGHING]
OH, I BET THIS IS ONE LEAP
YEAR DR. CRANE WON'T BE SORRY
TO SEE THE BACK OF.
OH, SHOULD WE REWIND IT
SO WE CAN WATCH IT AGAIN?
NOT YET. LET HIM FINISH FIRST.
THIS IS THE VERSE
WHERE HE REALLY LOSES IT.
[TOGETHER] ♪ BIPPITY
BOPPITY HIPPITY DOWS ♪
♪ SOMETHING AND SOMETHING
AND BUTTONS AND BOWS. ♪
OKAY, NOW YOU CAN REWIND IT.
HEY!
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]