Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 15 - A Word to the Wiseguy - full transcript
In spite of his separation from Maris, Niles hopes to make a friendly gesture by getting Maris off the hook for her $8,000 debt in outstanding parking tickets. Niles inadvertently enlists the help of the mob when he finds a guy (Harris Yulin) to "fix" the debt.
MORNING, DAPHNE, DAD.
SHH!
YOU'LL RUIN HIS CONCENTRATION.
HE'S ON A STAKEOUT TO CATCH
WHOEVER'S BEEN
PINCHING OUR NEWSPAPER.
HE'S BEEN AT IT
FOR OVER AN HOUR.
I MUST SAY YOU CAN SEE WHY
HE WAS SUCH A GOOD POLICEMAN.
[ SNORING ]
YES, VERY IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T HE?
WHEN HE WAKES UP, YOU
MUST GET HIM TO TELL YOU
ABOUT HIS STINT AS SECURITY
COORDINATOR FOR JIMMY HOFFA.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
[ SNORING LOUDLY ]
DAD, COME ON.
RISE AND SHINE.
YOU FELL ASLEEP.
OH...
OH, GOOD MORNING, NILES.
AH, YES, I SEE OUR NEWSPAPER
THIEF HAS STRUCK AGAIN.
DAMN, HE'S GOOD. COME ON IN.
THIS MORNING FOR THE FIRST
TIME SINCE OUR SEPARATION
MARIS ACTUALLY PICKED UP
THE PHONE AND CALLED ME.
SHE NEEDS A FAVOR.
THAT'S HARDLY
CAUSE TO CELEBRATE.
SHE CALLED YOU BECAUSE
SHE WANTS SOMETHING.
NO, NOT WANTS, FRASIER.
NEEDS. THIS IS MY
CHANCE TO SHOW HER
HOW NECESSARY I
REALLY AM TO HER.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIX
ONE SMALL PROBLEM.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
SHE'S WANTED BY THE POLICE.
APPARENTLY, SHE WAS DRIVING
PAST A SHOE STORE LAST WEEK
WHEN SHE SPOTTED A STUNNING PAIR
OF FERRAGAMO
PUMPS IN THE WINDOW.
WELL, I NEED NOT
REMIND YOU WHAT EFFECT
A FERRAGAMO SIGHTING
CAN HAVE ON MARIS'S
HAND/EYE COORDINATION.
SHE DROVE UP ON THE SIDEWALK
AND WHEN THE POLICE RAN HER
NAME THROUGH THE COMPUTER
THEY FOUND QUITE A BACKLOG
OF UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU EXPECT
FROM A WOMAN WHO THINKS
HER CHOCOLATE ALLERGY
ENTITLES HER TO PARK
IN A HANDICAPPED SPACE?
OH, AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF
SHE NEGLECTED TO
APPEAR FOR HER SUMMONS
SO THEY IMMEDIATELY
SWORE OUT A WARRANT
AND THAT BRINGS US TO YOU, DAD.
WHY?
YOU'RE A COP.
I'M SURE YOU STILL
HAVE CHUMS, HINT, HINT.
WHO COULD LEND YOU A HAND
WINK, WINK.
NO. YOU KNOW I'D DO ANYTHING
FOR YOU, BUT NOT THIS.
ALL MY YEARS ON THE FORCE
I NEVER EVEN FIXED
A TICKET, LET ALONE
AN ARREST WARRANT.
YOU COULDN'T PULL
ONE LITTLE STRING?
NO. I THINK THE LAW SHOULD
BE THE SAME FOR EVERYONE.
WELL, IT'S NOT.
WE'D ALL LIKE TO
BELIEVE JUSTICE IS BLIND
BUT THE SAD TRUTH IS
WEALTHY WHITE WOMEN
JUST CAN'T GET A FAIR SHAKE.
THE COURTS LOVE TO
MAKE EXAMPLES OF THEM.
OH, THEY DO. JUST THINK OF ZSA
ZSA GABOR OR LEONA HELMSLEY.
OH, YES. TWO PERFECTLY
LOVELY WOMEN
VICTIMIZED BY AN UNJUST SYSTEM.
FINE. IF YOU WON'T HELP
ME, I'LL HELP MYSELF.
I'M GOING TO THAT PRECINCT HOUSE
AND I'M NOT LEAVING
TILL I GET JUSTICE.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY
JUSTICE, I SUPPOSE.
MORE LIKE PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT
BUT I'M NOT
LEAVING TILL I GET IT.
OH...
WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN.
CAN YOU PICTURE POOR MRS.
CRANE CONFINED TO A JAIL CELL?
ONLY IF THEY MOVE THE
BARS CLOSER TOGETHER.
[FRASIER] THAT'S IT FOR TODAY.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE
WISHING YOU GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.
FRASIER, I FEEL AS
IF I'M BEING SUCKED
INTO A VORTEX OF
RAGE AND DESPAIR.
WELL, RIGHT BACK AT YOU.
TAKE IT THINGS DIDN'T GO SO WELL
DOWN AT THE STATION?
THE POLICE WOULD
NOT LISTEN TO REASON.
POLICE?
THEY'RE PERSECUTING MY MARIS
OVER SOME SILLY PARKING FINES.
I FELT SURE THEY'D EASE UP
IF THEY UNDERSTOOD
MARIS A LITTLE BETTER
SO I TRIED TO
EXPLAIN HER TO THEM.
OH, DEAR GOD.
YOU KNOW, I DATED A GUY ONCE
WHO GOT IN TROUBLE
WITH THE COPS.
NOTICE THE COMPLETE
ABSENCE OF GASPS
FOLLOWING THAT STATEMENT.
[ROZ] OKAY. OKAY, FINE
YOU LITTLE WEASEL.
JUST FORGET IT.
I WAS GOING TO HELP YOU.
MARIS CAN JUST
ROT IN THE SLAMMER.
OH... ROZ? I WAS JOSHING.
I KNOW HOW YOU ENJOY
OUR LITTLE BYPLAY.
THAT WEASEL LINE...
OUCH. TOUCHE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE EVEN MORE
ANNOYING WHEN YOU GROVEL.
ZING. GOT ME AGAIN.
ROZ, IF NOT FOR HIS SAKE,
THEN FOR MINE, PLEASE?
OKAY. FOR YOU.
MY FRIEND PHIL HAD SOME
MAJOR TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS
AND HE WAS SO FREAKED
THAT HE CALLED THIS GUY
WHO, YOU KNOW, FIXES THINGS.
SOUNDS JUST A TAD SHADY, ROZ.
YOU MEAN HE WENT
TO SOME HOODLUM?
WELL, I WOULDN'T USE
THE WORD "HOODLUM"
IN FRONT OF HIM.
JUST THINK OF HIM AS SOMEONE
WHO MAKES WISHES COME TRUE.
LIKE A FAIRY GODFATHER.
ANOTHER WORD I WOULDN'T
USE IN FRONT OF HIM.
HERE WE GO. JEROME BELASCO.
YOU ARE AN ANGEL OF
MERCY. HOW CAN I REPAY YOU?
THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
SOME WITTY LITTLE THING TO SAY
ABOUT MY SEX LIFE
OR WHAT I'M WEARING
JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
GIVE ME THAT.
NO, GIVE ME THAT.
FRASIER... ARE YOU MAD?
I WILL NOT HAVE
YOU TURNING A MINOR
ALBEIT ANNOYING SITUATION
INTO A MARTIN SCORCESE FILM.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.
WHEN MARIS ASKED
ME FOR THIS FAVOR
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?
SHE SAID, "NILES, WILL
YOU BE MY COMMODORE?"
HER COMMODORE.
THAT'S WHAT SHE
CALLED HER FATHER.
THERE WAS NO PROBLEM SO GREAT
THAT THAT MAN COULDN'T FIX IT.
I'M SURE.
REMEMBER THAT
LOVELY JEWELED CRUCIFIX
MARIS PICKED UP ON HER
FIRST COMMUNION TRIP TO ROME?
WHO DO YOU THINK SMOOTHED
THINGS OVER WITH THE VATICAN?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE DAYS
WHEN A PARENT WOULD TAKE
A WAYWARD CHILD BY THE HAND
MARCH THEM BACK TO
THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
AND MAKE THEM SAY, "I'M
SORRY, YOUR HOLINESS.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN."?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IF I SHOW MARIS THAT I CAN STEP
INTO THE COMMODORE'S PLIMSOLLS
SHE'LL HAVE NEW RESPECT FOR ME.
WE CAN REBUILD OUR MARRIAGE
ON A HEALTHIER FOUNDATION.
FRASIER...
PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
I JUST KNOW THIS MAN
IS THE ANSWER TO MY PROBLEMS.
YES. WHO BETTER TO
MEND THE FRAGILE FABRIC
OF A TROUBLED MARRIAGE
THAN A MAN WHOSE
BUSINESS ADDRESS IS A WHARF?
[FRASIER] NILES, LOOK,
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT. I'M LEAVING.
NO, NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.
YOU'RE MY BACKUP.
I WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING HIM.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT'S HIM?
I DOUBT IT.
THAT OVERCOAT IS ARMANI.
OH.
GOOD POINT, NILES.
WHERE WOULD A CRIMINAL
COME UP WITH THE MONEY
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
DR. CRANE, I PRESUME.
[NILES] OH, YES.
I'M NILES CRANE.
THIS IS MY BROTHER,
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
JEROME BELASCO.
PLEASURE.
EXCUSE MY TARDINESS.
MY LADY FRIEND AND I
WERE HAVING ONE
OF THOSE DISCUSSIONS
FROM WHICH IT IS DIFFICULT
TO REMOVE ONESELF.
WE CERTAINLY KNOW
ABOUT THOSE, DON'T WE?
YES. DAMES.
SO YOU HAVE SOME PROBLEM
YOU THINK I CAN HELP YOU WITH.
WELL, I DO.
UH, PLEASE, JEROME.
UH, YOU SEE, LAST WEEK
MY LADY GOT ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF LARRY LAW
AND SINCE THEN CERTAIN,
SHALL WE SAY, COMPLICATIONS
HAVE ARISEN, AND IN BRIEF
THINGS ARE HOT, HOT, HOT
AND WE BELIEVE
THAT YOU ARE THE MAN
TO TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONIN'.
I SENSE YOU'RE A
FILM BUFF, DR. CRANE.
WOULD YOU JUST SHOW
HIM THE CHARGES, NILES.
OH, YES, HERE YOU
GO. QUITE A FEW.
IGNORING A SUMMONS, SPEEDING,
RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT.
YOUR WIFE SOUNDS LIKE
A VERY CAREFREE LADY.
OH, YES, SHE'S OUNCES OF FUN.
UH, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD
PERSUADE THE POLICE
TO SHOW SOME LENIENCY?
WELL, THERE'S NEVER ANY
HARM IN MAKING A PHONE CALL.
EXCUSE ME.
AROUND AND STRAIGHT TO THE BACK.
HE'S MAKING THE CALL.
FRASIER, YOU'RE GOING TO
THINK I'M CRAZY FOR SAYING THIS
BUT THAT WAS FUN.
WELL, I MUST ADMIT, NILES
IT IS NOT ENTIRELY UNPLEASANT
TO RUB SHOULDERS
WITH THE DEMI-MONDE.
I DEFINITELY FELT A REAL
TESTOSTERONE SURGE, YOU KNOW.
ME TOO. ME TOO.
IT'S LIKE AN ACTUAL
TINGLING IN MY CHEST.
AND NOW IT'S GONE.
THERE IT IS AGAIN.
AND NOW IT'S GONE.
OH, NILES, IT MUST BE
YOUR CELLULAR PHONE VIBRATING.
OH, IT IS.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HELLO.
OH, HELLO, MARIS.
UH, YES, I'M TENDING TO
THAT VERY MATTER RIGHT NOW.
WAIT JUST ONE SECOND.
ONE SECOND.
WELL?
YOU MAY CONSIDER
THE MATTER DEALT WITH.
OH...
MARIS, IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
NO. I JUST NEVER HEARD YOU
USE THOSE WORDS BEFORE.
UM...
YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, JEROME.
THANK YOU.
WELL, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN
I HAVE ANOTHER
BUSINESS ENGAGEMENT.
AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT?
MY GOD, IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT.
WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS...
COULD IT... POSSIBLY BE OF MINE
WHERE YOU'RE GOING?
WHAT DO I OWE YOU?
NO. NOTHING.
I WAS HAPPY I COULD HELP.
DON'T BE SILLY. I INSIST.
CONSIDER IT A FAVOR.
I WAS IN A POSITION TO HELP YOU.
PERHAPS SOMEDAY YOU'LL
BE IN A POSITION TO HELP ME.
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
IF THERE'S EVER
ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU
YOU JUST SAY THE WORD.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
IT'S A PLEASURE
MEETING YOU BOTH.
AND I MEANT THAT.
ANYTHING AT ALL,
YOU JUST LET ME KNOW.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
SAID THAT, SHOULD I?
DR. CRANE.
JEROME.
LOOK, NILES, IT'S JEROME.
IN MY HOUSE.
WE'VE HAD THE MOST
DELIGHTFUL CHAT.
YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN
TO HAVE SUCH A
CHARMING YOUNG WOMAN
IN YOUR EMPLOY.
OH, GO ON.
DID YOU KNOW
HIS BROTHER SUPPLIED THE CEMENT
FOR THIS VERY BUILDING?
WELL... WHAT A SMALL WORLD.
OH, LOOK AT THE TIME.
[MARTIN] JEROME,
YOU DIDN'T TELL US
WHAT LINE OF WORK YOU'RE IN.
LET ME GUESS.
I'M A BIT PSYCHIC.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE SOME SORT OF A DOCTOR.
AN OSTEOPATH PERHAPS?
NO.
THAT'S ODD.
I CAN SEE YOU
HOVERING OVER PEOPLE
WITH BROKEN BONES.
[MARTIN] UH, BOYS
HELP ME GET SOME REFRESHMENTS
FOR YOUR NEW FRIEND.
YES, YES.
EXCUSE US, JEROME.
WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?
HE'S SOME HOOLIGAN WHO
HELPED FIX MARIS'S LEGAL PROBLEM
AND IN RETURN I PROMISED HIM
A FAVOR.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S WHY
HE'S HERE? TO COLLECT?
NO, NILES.
HE'S PROBABLY HOSTING A LUAU
AND HE CAME BY TO
BORROW OUR POI RAMEKINS.
YOU DON'T GET INVOLVED
WITH SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.
BEFORE WE PANIC, WE
SHOULD AT LEAST TALK TO HIM
AND GET THE STRAIGHT DOPE,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE SKINNY.
KNOCK IT OFF, BUGSY.
STEALING NEWSPAPERS IS
MOST UNNEIGHBORLY BEHAVIOR.
I COULD FIND OUT WHO'S DOING IT
AND MAKE SURE THEY
NEVER EVEN THINK...
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY.
[NILES] SO, JEROME
IS THERE SOMETHING
WE CAN DO FOR YOU?
THE OTHER EVENING I
MENTIONED MY LADY FRIEND.
IF I MAY...
OH.
SHE'S A PRETTY THING, ISN'T SHE?
THIS IS AT THE DOG
TRACK WHERE WE MET.
OH. OH. OH.
AND HERE'S OUR FIRST
SINATRA CONCERT.
OH...
THIS WAS AT THE FUNERAL
OF A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE.
I CAN'T RECALL EVER
SEEING A WOMAN
WEARING SO MANY
DIFFERENT KINDS OF FURS
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
WELL, BRANDY IS A
UNIQUELY STYLISH WOMAN.
BRANDY?
YEAH, THE TRADITIONAL SPELLING.
WE'VE BEEN ENGAGED
FOR EIGHT YEARS
YET SHE REFUSES TO
SET A WEDDING DATE.
THIS UPSETS ME.
IT ALSO UPSETS MY MOTHER
WHOSE COMMENTS ON THE
SUBJECT ARE FREQUENT AND VIVID.
WHERE DO THESE TWO COME IN?
SHE'S RELUCTANT TO MARRY ME.
OBVIOUSLY, SHE NEEDS THERAPY.
WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK.
NILES IS ONE OF THE FINEST
MARRIAGE COUNSELORS
IN ALL OF SEATTLE.
ACTUALLY, I WOULD PREFER
IF BRANDY SPOKE TO YOU.
TO ME?
NO OFFENSE TO YOU, DR. CRANE.
[ BREATHLESSLY ]: NONE TAKEN.
SHE'S A GREAT FAN OF YOUR SHOW.
I'M SURE SHE'D HEED ANY ADVICE
THAT YOU MIGHT CARE TO OFFER
SUCH AS MARRYING...
PROMPTLY. [CHUCKLING]
YEAH, BUT I'M NOT HERE
TO PUT WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
UH, JEROME...
I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M USED TO RENDERING MY OPINION
NOT BEING A MOUTHPIECE
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
I'M NOT SURE I'M
COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.
WELL, DR. CRANE, YOU
KNOW, SOMETIMES IN LIFE
WE MUST DO UNPLEASANT THINGS.
I HATE TO TELL YOU SOME
OF THE UNPLEASANT THINGS
THAT I'VE HAD TO DO.
I SEE.
WELL, THEN, UH...
JUST GIVE BRANDY MY
UNLISTED HOME NUMBER
WHICH I'M SURE YOU CAME ACROSS
WHILE YOU WERE
FINDING OUT WHERE I LIVED
AND, UH...
I'LL BE GLAD TO CHAT WITH HER.
WELL, THANK YOU.
SHE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
AND I HOPE THAT VERY SOON
YOU'LL DANCE AT MY WEDDING.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING]
IF I'M ABLE TO DANCE.
YOU'RE GETTING OFF EASY.
HE COULD HAVE ASKED YOU
FOR A MUCH BIGGER FAVOR.
HOW CAN I, AS A
SELF-RESPECTING PSYCHIATRIST
TELL ANY WOMAN TO
MARRY THAT THUG?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE SEEMED VERY NICE TO ME.
THIS FROM THE PSYCHIC WHO
SAID HE WAS A CHIROPRACTOR.
[MARTIN] LISTEN, I'VE
HEARD YOUR SHOW.
ONE MORE PIECE OF
HALF-ASSED ADVICE
ISN'T GOING TO KILL YOU.
JEROME ON THE OTHER HAND...
OKAY, DAD.
THE KEY TO LASTING WEIGHT LOSS
IS TO CHANGE THE WAY
YOU VIEW FOOD EVERY DAY.
YOU CAN'T GO ON THROUGH LIFE
BINGING AND THEN STARVING
YOURSELF FOR TWO WEEKS
JUST TO FIT INTO THAT NEW
GORGEOUS EVENING GOWN YOU BOUGHT
FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
[MAN] YEAH. THANKS, DOC.
DON'T MENTION IT, STEVE.
ROZ, WHO'S OUR NEXT CALLER?
WE HAVE RANDY FROM
RICHMOND BEACH.
HELLO, RANDY. I'M LISTENING.
[WOMAN] NOT RANDY. BRANDY.
BRANDY.
THE TRADITIONAL SPELLING.
YOU KNOW
WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME.
NO, WE'RE NOT.
WE'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES LEFT.
[SNAPPING] THANK YOU, ROZ.
ALL RIGHT, BRANDY, GO AHEAD.
YOUR PROBLEM, PLEASE.
WELL, IT'S MY BOYFRIEND JEROME.
HE SAID I SHOULD CALL YOU.
WE'VE BEEN SORT OF
SEMI-ENGAGED FOR EIGHT YEARS.
HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED.
I CAN CERTAINLY HEAR
THE LOVE IN YOUR VOICE
SO I SAY CASE CLOSED.
BEST OF LUCK IN THE FUTURE.
WHOA. YOU GOT A BUS TO CATCH?
THERE'S A LOT MORE TO IT.
FOR STARTERS, I THINK
HE'S CHEATED ON ME.
WHEN YOU SUSPECT
SOMETHING LIKE THAT
NINE OUT OF TEN
TIMES YOU'RE RIGHT.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
I THINK A LITTLE MISTRUST ADDS
MYSTERY TO A RELATIONSHIP.
MYSTERY I COULD STAND IF
HE DIDN'T NEGLECT ME SO MUCH.
EVERY TIME WE GO
FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER
HE GETS A PHONE CALL AND,
BANG, IT'S "GOT TO WORK, BABE.
"FINISH YOUR LOBSTER.
I'LL SEND A LIMO FOR YOU."
LOBSTER? LIMOS?
MY GOD, GIVE ME HIS
NUMBER, I'LL MARRY HIM.
MONEY AIN'T EVERYTHING
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU
GOT A SEX LIFE LIKE OURS.
HE'S NOT EVEN GOOD IN BED?
WHO KNOWS? WE'RE NEVER
THERE LONG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT.
THIS REALLY ISN'T NECESS...
I SAID TO HIM LAST NIGHT
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
I'VE BEEN VACCINATED SLOWER."
WELL...
THAT JUST LEAVES
MORE TIME TO CUDDLE.
CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
NO!
LOOK, I COULD DEAL WITH
THE OTHER PROBLEMS
IF IT WEREN'T FOR ONE THING.
ALL MY LIFE I'VE DREAMED
OF BEING A CAREER WOMAN
BUT HE SAYS I'M NOT
ALLOWED TO WORK.
I'M SUPPOSED TO SIT HOME ALL DAY
LET HIM TAKE CARE OF ME.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOC?
SHOULD I MARRY HIM?
WELL...
TAKING INTO ACCOUNT
THAT THE YEARS YOU'VE
INVESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP
AND JEROME'S
OBVIOUS LOVE FOR YOU
NOT TO MENTION HIS GENEROSITY...
WHAT?
TELL ME WHAT YOU
THINK, DR. CRANE
BECAUSE I REALLY,
REALLY RESPECT YOU.
BRANDY...
RUN.
SAVE YOURSELF.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER
CRANE SAYING GOOD NIGHT
AND SEE YOU, GOD
WILLING, TOMORROW.
I'LL HAVE A NONFAT
DECAF LATTE, PLEASE.
OH, WHAT THE HELL.
MAKE IT A FULL-FAT MOCHA,
EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM.
WHAT THE HELL.
PUT A SLICE OF BACON ON IT TOO.
HELLO, FRASIER.
DON'T DO THAT.
I'M SORRY.
DOUBLE ESPRESSO, PLEASE.
I HEARD YOU ON THE RADIO TODAY.
I THOUGHT WHAT
YOU DID WAS NOBLE.
TO WHAT SOUTH AMERICAN
NATION WILL YOU BE FLEEING?
OH, LIKE I'D TELL YOU.
ONE MINUTE OF INTERROGATION
AND YOU WOULD CRACK
LIKE A JORDAN ALMOND.
I NEVER MEANT
FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.
HOW LONG WILL YOU STAY MAD?
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.
PROBABLY TAKE US
THROUGH BREAKFAST.
OOP.
WRONG AGAIN.
OH, OH.
LOOK, IT'S JEROME BELASCO.
JEROME, TAKE A SEAT.
LOOK, FRASIER
IT'S OUR FRIEND, JEROME BELASCO.
I HEARD YOUR BROADCAST
THIS AFTERNOON.
IT DISPLEASED ME.
YEAH, LET ME HAVE
A LITTLE HOT MILK, PLEASE.
WHEN I'M DISPLEASED
I GET ACID IN MY
STOMACH, DR. CRANE.
BELIEVE ME, THE LAST
THING I WANT TO DO
IS DISPLEASE YOU
OR...
TO HEAR THE WORDS
"ACID AND "DR. CRANE"
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
BUT HOW COULD I HAVE ADVISED
HER OTHERWISE?
SHE SAID THAT YOU
CHEATED ON HER.
SHE SAID SHE SUSPECTED ME.
I'VE NEVER CHEATED
ON MISS BRANDY.
BE THAT AS IT MAY, HOW COULD I
ADVISE A WOMAN TO MARRY A MAN
THAT WON'T EVEN
ALLOW HER TO WORK?
IT MAY INTEREST YOU
THAT OVER THE YEARS
I'VE CALLED IN FAVORS
TO GET MISS BRANDY 14 JOBS.
SHE LOST ALL OF THEM.
SO, YOU'RE SAYING
SHE'S HAD TROUBLE
FINDING HER NICHE?
NO, I'M SAYING SHE'S A DODO.
NOW, YOU MAY LOVE A DODO.
YOU MAY THINK THE
DODO IS BEAUTIFUL.
YOU MAY EVEN WISH
TO MARRY THE DODO.
BUT YOU DO NOT
ENCOURAGE A DODO TO FLY.
WHEN SHE LOSES THESE JOBS
IT MAKES HER VERY UNHAPPY.
SO, FOR HER SAKE, I
SAID NO MORE JOBS.
BUT NOW IN ORDER TO
CONVINCE HER TO MARRY ME
I'VE HAD TO REVERSE THIS POLICY.
SO SHE HAS AGREED TO MARRY YOU?
IF I GET HER A JOB.
AND NOT JUST ANY JOB.
A JOB THAT SHE CAN NEVER LOSE.
A JOB WHERE IF SHE
BURNS THE PLACE DOWN
THEY WILL APOLOGIZE TO HER
FOR HAVING MADE IT SO FLAMMABLE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK FINDING
SOMEONE WHO WILL HIRE HER.
OH.
DR. CRANE, YOUR BROTHER CALLED.
THE COURT TIME FOR
YOUR TENNIS GAME IS 11:00.
I DISTINCTLY TOLD HIM I
WASN'T AVAILABLE TILL NOON.
IF YOU CALL HIM BACK, PUT
IT ON THE SPEAKER PHONE.
DON'T YOU THINK
THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE OLD?
WELL, I THINK IT'S JUST MEAN.
SO SUE ME. I ENJOY IT.
[ DIAL TONE ]
[ DIALING ]
[ RINGING ]
[BRANDY] GOOD MORNING.
NILES CRANE, PUH-SYCHI-ATRIST.
YES, IS DR. CRANE THERE?
THIS IS HIS BROTHER FRASIER.
OH, HI, DR. CRANE.
IT'S ME, BRANDY.
HANG ON, HON.
I'M GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
GOT TO PUT YOU ON HOLD.
[DIAL TONE]
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]
SHH!
YOU'LL RUIN HIS CONCENTRATION.
HE'S ON A STAKEOUT TO CATCH
WHOEVER'S BEEN
PINCHING OUR NEWSPAPER.
HE'S BEEN AT IT
FOR OVER AN HOUR.
I MUST SAY YOU CAN SEE WHY
HE WAS SUCH A GOOD POLICEMAN.
[ SNORING ]
YES, VERY IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T HE?
WHEN HE WAKES UP, YOU
MUST GET HIM TO TELL YOU
ABOUT HIS STINT AS SECURITY
COORDINATOR FOR JIMMY HOFFA.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
[ SNORING LOUDLY ]
DAD, COME ON.
RISE AND SHINE.
YOU FELL ASLEEP.
OH...
OH, GOOD MORNING, NILES.
AH, YES, I SEE OUR NEWSPAPER
THIEF HAS STRUCK AGAIN.
DAMN, HE'S GOOD. COME ON IN.
THIS MORNING FOR THE FIRST
TIME SINCE OUR SEPARATION
MARIS ACTUALLY PICKED UP
THE PHONE AND CALLED ME.
SHE NEEDS A FAVOR.
THAT'S HARDLY
CAUSE TO CELEBRATE.
SHE CALLED YOU BECAUSE
SHE WANTS SOMETHING.
NO, NOT WANTS, FRASIER.
NEEDS. THIS IS MY
CHANCE TO SHOW HER
HOW NECESSARY I
REALLY AM TO HER.
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS FIX
ONE SMALL PROBLEM.
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
SHE'S WANTED BY THE POLICE.
APPARENTLY, SHE WAS DRIVING
PAST A SHOE STORE LAST WEEK
WHEN SHE SPOTTED A STUNNING PAIR
OF FERRAGAMO
PUMPS IN THE WINDOW.
WELL, I NEED NOT
REMIND YOU WHAT EFFECT
A FERRAGAMO SIGHTING
CAN HAVE ON MARIS'S
HAND/EYE COORDINATION.
SHE DROVE UP ON THE SIDEWALK
AND WHEN THE POLICE RAN HER
NAME THROUGH THE COMPUTER
THEY FOUND QUITE A BACKLOG
OF UNPAID PARKING TICKETS.
WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU EXPECT
FROM A WOMAN WHO THINKS
HER CHOCOLATE ALLERGY
ENTITLES HER TO PARK
IN A HANDICAPPED SPACE?
OH, AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF
SHE NEGLECTED TO
APPEAR FOR HER SUMMONS
SO THEY IMMEDIATELY
SWORE OUT A WARRANT
AND THAT BRINGS US TO YOU, DAD.
WHY?
YOU'RE A COP.
I'M SURE YOU STILL
HAVE CHUMS, HINT, HINT.
WHO COULD LEND YOU A HAND
WINK, WINK.
NO. YOU KNOW I'D DO ANYTHING
FOR YOU, BUT NOT THIS.
ALL MY YEARS ON THE FORCE
I NEVER EVEN FIXED
A TICKET, LET ALONE
AN ARREST WARRANT.
YOU COULDN'T PULL
ONE LITTLE STRING?
NO. I THINK THE LAW SHOULD
BE THE SAME FOR EVERYONE.
WELL, IT'S NOT.
WE'D ALL LIKE TO
BELIEVE JUSTICE IS BLIND
BUT THE SAD TRUTH IS
WEALTHY WHITE WOMEN
JUST CAN'T GET A FAIR SHAKE.
THE COURTS LOVE TO
MAKE EXAMPLES OF THEM.
OH, THEY DO. JUST THINK OF ZSA
ZSA GABOR OR LEONA HELMSLEY.
OH, YES. TWO PERFECTLY
LOVELY WOMEN
VICTIMIZED BY AN UNJUST SYSTEM.
FINE. IF YOU WON'T HELP
ME, I'LL HELP MYSELF.
I'M GOING TO THAT PRECINCT HOUSE
AND I'M NOT LEAVING
TILL I GET JUSTICE.
WELL, NOT EXACTLY
JUSTICE, I SUPPOSE.
MORE LIKE PREFERENTIAL TREATMENT
BUT I'M NOT
LEAVING TILL I GET IT.
OH...
WHAT A HORRIBLE THING TO HAPPEN.
CAN YOU PICTURE POOR MRS.
CRANE CONFINED TO A JAIL CELL?
ONLY IF THEY MOVE THE
BARS CLOSER TOGETHER.
[FRASIER] THAT'S IT FOR TODAY.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE
WISHING YOU GOOD MENTAL HEALTH.
FRASIER, I FEEL AS
IF I'M BEING SUCKED
INTO A VORTEX OF
RAGE AND DESPAIR.
WELL, RIGHT BACK AT YOU.
TAKE IT THINGS DIDN'T GO SO WELL
DOWN AT THE STATION?
THE POLICE WOULD
NOT LISTEN TO REASON.
POLICE?
THEY'RE PERSECUTING MY MARIS
OVER SOME SILLY PARKING FINES.
I FELT SURE THEY'D EASE UP
IF THEY UNDERSTOOD
MARIS A LITTLE BETTER
SO I TRIED TO
EXPLAIN HER TO THEM.
OH, DEAR GOD.
YOU KNOW, I DATED A GUY ONCE
WHO GOT IN TROUBLE
WITH THE COPS.
NOTICE THE COMPLETE
ABSENCE OF GASPS
FOLLOWING THAT STATEMENT.
[ROZ] OKAY. OKAY, FINE
YOU LITTLE WEASEL.
JUST FORGET IT.
I WAS GOING TO HELP YOU.
MARIS CAN JUST
ROT IN THE SLAMMER.
OH... ROZ? I WAS JOSHING.
I KNOW HOW YOU ENJOY
OUR LITTLE BYPLAY.
THAT WEASEL LINE...
OUCH. TOUCHE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE EVEN MORE
ANNOYING WHEN YOU GROVEL.
ZING. GOT ME AGAIN.
ROZ, IF NOT FOR HIS SAKE,
THEN FOR MINE, PLEASE?
OKAY. FOR YOU.
MY FRIEND PHIL HAD SOME
MAJOR TRAFFIC VIOLATIONS
AND HE WAS SO FREAKED
THAT HE CALLED THIS GUY
WHO, YOU KNOW, FIXES THINGS.
SOUNDS JUST A TAD SHADY, ROZ.
YOU MEAN HE WENT
TO SOME HOODLUM?
WELL, I WOULDN'T USE
THE WORD "HOODLUM"
IN FRONT OF HIM.
JUST THINK OF HIM AS SOMEONE
WHO MAKES WISHES COME TRUE.
LIKE A FAIRY GODFATHER.
ANOTHER WORD I WOULDN'T
USE IN FRONT OF HIM.
HERE WE GO. JEROME BELASCO.
YOU ARE AN ANGEL OF
MERCY. HOW CAN I REPAY YOU?
THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK OF
SOME WITTY LITTLE THING TO SAY
ABOUT MY SEX LIFE
OR WHAT I'M WEARING
JUST KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
CONSIDER IT DONE.
GIVE ME THAT.
NO, GIVE ME THAT.
FRASIER... ARE YOU MAD?
I WILL NOT HAVE
YOU TURNING A MINOR
ALBEIT ANNOYING SITUATION
INTO A MARTIN SCORCESE FILM.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.
WHEN MARIS ASKED
ME FOR THIS FAVOR
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID?
SHE SAID, "NILES, WILL
YOU BE MY COMMODORE?"
HER COMMODORE.
THAT'S WHAT SHE
CALLED HER FATHER.
THERE WAS NO PROBLEM SO GREAT
THAT THAT MAN COULDN'T FIX IT.
I'M SURE.
REMEMBER THAT
LOVELY JEWELED CRUCIFIX
MARIS PICKED UP ON HER
FIRST COMMUNION TRIP TO ROME?
WHO DO YOU THINK SMOOTHED
THINGS OVER WITH THE VATICAN?
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE DAYS
WHEN A PARENT WOULD TAKE
A WAYWARD CHILD BY THE HAND
MARCH THEM BACK TO
THE SCENE OF THE CRIME
AND MAKE THEM SAY, "I'M
SORRY, YOUR HOLINESS.
IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN."?
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IF I SHOW MARIS THAT I CAN STEP
INTO THE COMMODORE'S PLIMSOLLS
SHE'LL HAVE NEW RESPECT FOR ME.
WE CAN REBUILD OUR MARRIAGE
ON A HEALTHIER FOUNDATION.
FRASIER...
PLEASE.
THANK YOU.
I JUST KNOW THIS MAN
IS THE ANSWER TO MY PROBLEMS.
YES. WHO BETTER TO
MEND THE FRAGILE FABRIC
OF A TROUBLED MARRIAGE
THAN A MAN WHOSE
BUSINESS ADDRESS IS A WHARF?
[FRASIER] NILES, LOOK,
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT. I'M LEAVING.
NO, NO, YOU CAN'T LEAVE.
YOU'RE MY BACKUP.
I WONDER WHAT'S KEEPING HIM.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT'S HIM?
I DOUBT IT.
THAT OVERCOAT IS ARMANI.
OH.
GOOD POINT, NILES.
WHERE WOULD A CRIMINAL
COME UP WITH THE MONEY
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
DR. CRANE, I PRESUME.
[NILES] OH, YES.
I'M NILES CRANE.
THIS IS MY BROTHER,
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
JEROME BELASCO.
PLEASURE.
EXCUSE MY TARDINESS.
MY LADY FRIEND AND I
WERE HAVING ONE
OF THOSE DISCUSSIONS
FROM WHICH IT IS DIFFICULT
TO REMOVE ONESELF.
WE CERTAINLY KNOW
ABOUT THOSE, DON'T WE?
YES. DAMES.
SO YOU HAVE SOME PROBLEM
YOU THINK I CAN HELP YOU WITH.
WELL, I DO.
UH, PLEASE, JEROME.
UH, YOU SEE, LAST WEEK
MY LADY GOT ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF LARRY LAW
AND SINCE THEN CERTAIN,
SHALL WE SAY, COMPLICATIONS
HAVE ARISEN, AND IN BRIEF
THINGS ARE HOT, HOT, HOT
AND WE BELIEVE
THAT YOU ARE THE MAN
TO TURN ON THE AIR CONDITIONIN'.
I SENSE YOU'RE A
FILM BUFF, DR. CRANE.
WOULD YOU JUST SHOW
HIM THE CHARGES, NILES.
OH, YES, HERE YOU
GO. QUITE A FEW.
IGNORING A SUMMONS, SPEEDING,
RECKLESS ENDANGERMENT.
YOUR WIFE SOUNDS LIKE
A VERY CAREFREE LADY.
OH, YES, SHE'S OUNCES OF FUN.
UH, DO YOU THINK YOU COULD
PERSUADE THE POLICE
TO SHOW SOME LENIENCY?
WELL, THERE'S NEVER ANY
HARM IN MAKING A PHONE CALL.
EXCUSE ME.
AROUND AND STRAIGHT TO THE BACK.
HE'S MAKING THE CALL.
FRASIER, YOU'RE GOING TO
THINK I'M CRAZY FOR SAYING THIS
BUT THAT WAS FUN.
WELL, I MUST ADMIT, NILES
IT IS NOT ENTIRELY UNPLEASANT
TO RUB SHOULDERS
WITH THE DEMI-MONDE.
I DEFINITELY FELT A REAL
TESTOSTERONE SURGE, YOU KNOW.
ME TOO. ME TOO.
IT'S LIKE AN ACTUAL
TINGLING IN MY CHEST.
AND NOW IT'S GONE.
THERE IT IS AGAIN.
AND NOW IT'S GONE.
OH, NILES, IT MUST BE
YOUR CELLULAR PHONE VIBRATING.
OH, IT IS.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
HELLO.
OH, HELLO, MARIS.
UH, YES, I'M TENDING TO
THAT VERY MATTER RIGHT NOW.
WAIT JUST ONE SECOND.
ONE SECOND.
WELL?
YOU MAY CONSIDER
THE MATTER DEALT WITH.
OH...
MARIS, IT'S ALL TAKEN CARE OF.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
NO. I JUST NEVER HEARD YOU
USE THOSE WORDS BEFORE.
UM...
YOU'RE WELCOME.
OH, JEROME.
THANK YOU.
WELL, IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN
I HAVE ANOTHER
BUSINESS ENGAGEMENT.
AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT?
MY GOD, IT'S PAST MIDNIGHT.
WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS...
COULD IT... POSSIBLY BE OF MINE
WHERE YOU'RE GOING?
WHAT DO I OWE YOU?
NO. NOTHING.
I WAS HAPPY I COULD HELP.
DON'T BE SILLY. I INSIST.
CONSIDER IT A FAVOR.
I WAS IN A POSITION TO HELP YOU.
PERHAPS SOMEDAY YOU'LL
BE IN A POSITION TO HELP ME.
I WOULD LOVE THAT.
IF THERE'S EVER
ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU
YOU JUST SAY THE WORD.
YOU'RE VERY KIND.
IT'S A PLEASURE
MEETING YOU BOTH.
AND I MEANT THAT.
ANYTHING AT ALL,
YOU JUST LET ME KNOW.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE
SAID THAT, SHOULD I?
DR. CRANE.
JEROME.
LOOK, NILES, IT'S JEROME.
IN MY HOUSE.
WE'VE HAD THE MOST
DELIGHTFUL CHAT.
YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN
TO HAVE SUCH A
CHARMING YOUNG WOMAN
IN YOUR EMPLOY.
OH, GO ON.
DID YOU KNOW
HIS BROTHER SUPPLIED THE CEMENT
FOR THIS VERY BUILDING?
WELL... WHAT A SMALL WORLD.
OH, LOOK AT THE TIME.
[MARTIN] JEROME,
YOU DIDN'T TELL US
WHAT LINE OF WORK YOU'RE IN.
LET ME GUESS.
I'M A BIT PSYCHIC.
WELL, LET'S SEE.
YOU'RE SOME SORT OF A DOCTOR.
AN OSTEOPATH PERHAPS?
NO.
THAT'S ODD.
I CAN SEE YOU
HOVERING OVER PEOPLE
WITH BROKEN BONES.
[MARTIN] UH, BOYS
HELP ME GET SOME REFRESHMENTS
FOR YOUR NEW FRIEND.
YES, YES.
EXCUSE US, JEROME.
WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?
HE'S SOME HOOLIGAN WHO
HELPED FIX MARIS'S LEGAL PROBLEM
AND IN RETURN I PROMISED HIM
A FAVOR.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S WHY
HE'S HERE? TO COLLECT?
NO, NILES.
HE'S PROBABLY HOSTING A LUAU
AND HE CAME BY TO
BORROW OUR POI RAMEKINS.
YOU DON'T GET INVOLVED
WITH SOMEBODY LIKE THAT.
BEFORE WE PANIC, WE
SHOULD AT LEAST TALK TO HIM
AND GET THE STRAIGHT DOPE,
ALSO KNOWN AS THE SKINNY.
KNOCK IT OFF, BUGSY.
STEALING NEWSPAPERS IS
MOST UNNEIGHBORLY BEHAVIOR.
I COULD FIND OUT WHO'S DOING IT
AND MAKE SURE THEY
NEVER EVEN THINK...
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, REALLY.
[NILES] SO, JEROME
IS THERE SOMETHING
WE CAN DO FOR YOU?
THE OTHER EVENING I
MENTIONED MY LADY FRIEND.
IF I MAY...
OH.
SHE'S A PRETTY THING, ISN'T SHE?
THIS IS AT THE DOG
TRACK WHERE WE MET.
OH. OH. OH.
AND HERE'S OUR FIRST
SINATRA CONCERT.
OH...
THIS WAS AT THE FUNERAL
OF A BUSINESS ASSOCIATE.
I CAN'T RECALL EVER
SEEING A WOMAN
WEARING SO MANY
DIFFERENT KINDS OF FURS
ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
WELL, BRANDY IS A
UNIQUELY STYLISH WOMAN.
BRANDY?
YEAH, THE TRADITIONAL SPELLING.
WE'VE BEEN ENGAGED
FOR EIGHT YEARS
YET SHE REFUSES TO
SET A WEDDING DATE.
THIS UPSETS ME.
IT ALSO UPSETS MY MOTHER
WHOSE COMMENTS ON THE
SUBJECT ARE FREQUENT AND VIVID.
WHERE DO THESE TWO COME IN?
SHE'S RELUCTANT TO MARRY ME.
OBVIOUSLY, SHE NEEDS THERAPY.
WELL, YOU'RE IN LUCK.
NILES IS ONE OF THE FINEST
MARRIAGE COUNSELORS
IN ALL OF SEATTLE.
ACTUALLY, I WOULD PREFER
IF BRANDY SPOKE TO YOU.
TO ME?
NO OFFENSE TO YOU, DR. CRANE.
[ BREATHLESSLY ]: NONE TAKEN.
SHE'S A GREAT FAN OF YOUR SHOW.
I'M SURE SHE'D HEED ANY ADVICE
THAT YOU MIGHT CARE TO OFFER
SUCH AS MARRYING...
PROMPTLY. [CHUCKLING]
YEAH, BUT I'M NOT HERE
TO PUT WORDS IN YOUR MOUTH.
YOU'LL KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
UH, JEROME...
I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.
I'M USED TO RENDERING MY OPINION
NOT BEING A MOUTHPIECE
FOR SOMEONE ELSE.
I'M NOT SURE I'M
COMFORTABLE WITH THIS.
WELL, DR. CRANE, YOU
KNOW, SOMETIMES IN LIFE
WE MUST DO UNPLEASANT THINGS.
I HATE TO TELL YOU SOME
OF THE UNPLEASANT THINGS
THAT I'VE HAD TO DO.
I SEE.
WELL, THEN, UH...
JUST GIVE BRANDY MY
UNLISTED HOME NUMBER
WHICH I'M SURE YOU CAME ACROSS
WHILE YOU WERE
FINDING OUT WHERE I LIVED
AND, UH...
I'LL BE GLAD TO CHAT WITH HER.
WELL, THANK YOU.
SHE'LL BE IN TOUCH.
AND I HOPE THAT VERY SOON
YOU'LL DANCE AT MY WEDDING.
[FRASIER CHUCKLING]
IF I'M ABLE TO DANCE.
YOU'RE GETTING OFF EASY.
HE COULD HAVE ASKED YOU
FOR A MUCH BIGGER FAVOR.
HOW CAN I, AS A
SELF-RESPECTING PSYCHIATRIST
TELL ANY WOMAN TO
MARRY THAT THUG?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE SEEMED VERY NICE TO ME.
THIS FROM THE PSYCHIC WHO
SAID HE WAS A CHIROPRACTOR.
[MARTIN] LISTEN, I'VE
HEARD YOUR SHOW.
ONE MORE PIECE OF
HALF-ASSED ADVICE
ISN'T GOING TO KILL YOU.
JEROME ON THE OTHER HAND...
OKAY, DAD.
THE KEY TO LASTING WEIGHT LOSS
IS TO CHANGE THE WAY
YOU VIEW FOOD EVERY DAY.
YOU CAN'T GO ON THROUGH LIFE
BINGING AND THEN STARVING
YOURSELF FOR TWO WEEKS
JUST TO FIT INTO THAT NEW
GORGEOUS EVENING GOWN YOU BOUGHT
FOR A SPECIAL OCCASION.
CAN YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
[MAN] YEAH. THANKS, DOC.
DON'T MENTION IT, STEVE.
ROZ, WHO'S OUR NEXT CALLER?
WE HAVE RANDY FROM
RICHMOND BEACH.
HELLO, RANDY. I'M LISTENING.
[WOMAN] NOT RANDY. BRANDY.
BRANDY.
THE TRADITIONAL SPELLING.
YOU KNOW
WE'RE ALL OUT OF TIME.
NO, WE'RE NOT.
WE'VE GOT FIVE MINUTES LEFT.
[SNAPPING] THANK YOU, ROZ.
ALL RIGHT, BRANDY, GO AHEAD.
YOUR PROBLEM, PLEASE.
WELL, IT'S MY BOYFRIEND JEROME.
HE SAID I SHOULD CALL YOU.
WE'VE BEEN SORT OF
SEMI-ENGAGED FOR EIGHT YEARS.
HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED.
I CAN CERTAINLY HEAR
THE LOVE IN YOUR VOICE
SO I SAY CASE CLOSED.
BEST OF LUCK IN THE FUTURE.
WHOA. YOU GOT A BUS TO CATCH?
THERE'S A LOT MORE TO IT.
FOR STARTERS, I THINK
HE'S CHEATED ON ME.
WHEN YOU SUSPECT
SOMETHING LIKE THAT
NINE OUT OF TEN
TIMES YOU'RE RIGHT.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
I THINK A LITTLE MISTRUST ADDS
MYSTERY TO A RELATIONSHIP.
MYSTERY I COULD STAND IF
HE DIDN'T NEGLECT ME SO MUCH.
EVERY TIME WE GO
FOR A ROMANTIC DINNER
HE GETS A PHONE CALL AND,
BANG, IT'S "GOT TO WORK, BABE.
"FINISH YOUR LOBSTER.
I'LL SEND A LIMO FOR YOU."
LOBSTER? LIMOS?
MY GOD, GIVE ME HIS
NUMBER, I'LL MARRY HIM.
MONEY AIN'T EVERYTHING
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU
GOT A SEX LIFE LIKE OURS.
HE'S NOT EVEN GOOD IN BED?
WHO KNOWS? WE'RE NEVER
THERE LONG ENOUGH TO FIND OUT.
THIS REALLY ISN'T NECESS...
I SAID TO HIM LAST NIGHT
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
I'VE BEEN VACCINATED SLOWER."
WELL...
THAT JUST LEAVES
MORE TIME TO CUDDLE.
CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
NO!
LOOK, I COULD DEAL WITH
THE OTHER PROBLEMS
IF IT WEREN'T FOR ONE THING.
ALL MY LIFE I'VE DREAMED
OF BEING A CAREER WOMAN
BUT HE SAYS I'M NOT
ALLOWED TO WORK.
I'M SUPPOSED TO SIT HOME ALL DAY
LET HIM TAKE CARE OF ME.
SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK, DOC?
SHOULD I MARRY HIM?
WELL...
TAKING INTO ACCOUNT
THAT THE YEARS YOU'VE
INVESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP
AND JEROME'S
OBVIOUS LOVE FOR YOU
NOT TO MENTION HIS GENEROSITY...
WHAT?
TELL ME WHAT YOU
THINK, DR. CRANE
BECAUSE I REALLY,
REALLY RESPECT YOU.
BRANDY...
RUN.
SAVE YOURSELF.
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER
CRANE SAYING GOOD NIGHT
AND SEE YOU, GOD
WILLING, TOMORROW.
I'LL HAVE A NONFAT
DECAF LATTE, PLEASE.
OH, WHAT THE HELL.
MAKE IT A FULL-FAT MOCHA,
EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM.
WHAT THE HELL.
PUT A SLICE OF BACON ON IT TOO.
HELLO, FRASIER.
DON'T DO THAT.
I'M SORRY.
DOUBLE ESPRESSO, PLEASE.
I HEARD YOU ON THE RADIO TODAY.
I THOUGHT WHAT
YOU DID WAS NOBLE.
TO WHAT SOUTH AMERICAN
NATION WILL YOU BE FLEEING?
OH, LIKE I'D TELL YOU.
ONE MINUTE OF INTERROGATION
AND YOU WOULD CRACK
LIKE A JORDAN ALMOND.
I NEVER MEANT
FOR THIS TO HAPPEN.
HOW LONG WILL YOU STAY MAD?
FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE.
PROBABLY TAKE US
THROUGH BREAKFAST.
OOP.
WRONG AGAIN.
OH, OH.
LOOK, IT'S JEROME BELASCO.
JEROME, TAKE A SEAT.
LOOK, FRASIER
IT'S OUR FRIEND, JEROME BELASCO.
I HEARD YOUR BROADCAST
THIS AFTERNOON.
IT DISPLEASED ME.
YEAH, LET ME HAVE
A LITTLE HOT MILK, PLEASE.
WHEN I'M DISPLEASED
I GET ACID IN MY
STOMACH, DR. CRANE.
BELIEVE ME, THE LAST
THING I WANT TO DO
IS DISPLEASE YOU
OR...
TO HEAR THE WORDS
"ACID AND "DR. CRANE"
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
BUT HOW COULD I HAVE ADVISED
HER OTHERWISE?
SHE SAID THAT YOU
CHEATED ON HER.
SHE SAID SHE SUSPECTED ME.
I'VE NEVER CHEATED
ON MISS BRANDY.
BE THAT AS IT MAY, HOW COULD I
ADVISE A WOMAN TO MARRY A MAN
THAT WON'T EVEN
ALLOW HER TO WORK?
IT MAY INTEREST YOU
THAT OVER THE YEARS
I'VE CALLED IN FAVORS
TO GET MISS BRANDY 14 JOBS.
SHE LOST ALL OF THEM.
SO, YOU'RE SAYING
SHE'S HAD TROUBLE
FINDING HER NICHE?
NO, I'M SAYING SHE'S A DODO.
NOW, YOU MAY LOVE A DODO.
YOU MAY THINK THE
DODO IS BEAUTIFUL.
YOU MAY EVEN WISH
TO MARRY THE DODO.
BUT YOU DO NOT
ENCOURAGE A DODO TO FLY.
WHEN SHE LOSES THESE JOBS
IT MAKES HER VERY UNHAPPY.
SO, FOR HER SAKE, I
SAID NO MORE JOBS.
BUT NOW IN ORDER TO
CONVINCE HER TO MARRY ME
I'VE HAD TO REVERSE THIS POLICY.
SO SHE HAS AGREED TO MARRY YOU?
IF I GET HER A JOB.
AND NOT JUST ANY JOB.
A JOB THAT SHE CAN NEVER LOSE.
A JOB WHERE IF SHE
BURNS THE PLACE DOWN
THEY WILL APOLOGIZE TO HER
FOR HAVING MADE IT SO FLAMMABLE.
WELL, GOOD LUCK FINDING
SOMEONE WHO WILL HIRE HER.
OH.
DR. CRANE, YOUR BROTHER CALLED.
THE COURT TIME FOR
YOUR TENNIS GAME IS 11:00.
I DISTINCTLY TOLD HIM I
WASN'T AVAILABLE TILL NOON.
IF YOU CALL HIM BACK, PUT
IT ON THE SPEAKER PHONE.
DON'T YOU THINK
THIS IS GETTING A LITTLE OLD?
WELL, I THINK IT'S JUST MEAN.
SO SUE ME. I ENJOY IT.
[ DIAL TONE ]
[ DIALING ]
[ RINGING ]
[BRANDY] GOOD MORNING.
NILES CRANE, PUH-SYCHI-ATRIST.
YES, IS DR. CRANE THERE?
THIS IS HIS BROTHER FRASIER.
OH, HI, DR. CRANE.
IT'S ME, BRANDY.
HANG ON, HON.
I'M GETTING ANOTHER CALL.
GOT TO PUT YOU ON HOLD.
[DIAL TONE]
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]