Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 1 - She's the Boss - full transcript
There is a new station manager at KACL, and she's a woman named Kate Costas (Mercedes Ruehl). She has a reputation for being a fearsome perfectionist, and everyone at her last radio station was afraid of her. She quickly instils a similar atmosphere at KACL (even Bulldog is scared), although Frasier is not prepared to be intimidated. Therefore, when she instructs him to change his show in various sensationalist ways (such as themed shows and giving priority to "juicier calls"), he flatly refuses to co-operate, reasoning that she cannot fire one of the station's highest-rated hosts. His show is promptly moved to the graveyard shift, spoiling his sleep patterns and making Roz bitterly resentful, but Frasier still refuses to back down. Eventually, the two of them devise a plan whereby they believe they can both obey and humiliate the boss at the same time by turning the show in a XXX show, asking people about nothing but sex. This ultimately works and Kate restores them to their original timeslot with the condition of doing theme shows once in a while. Meanwhile, Eddie has started a feud with a Doberman in the condo above Frasier's, and Niles wants a gun for personal security. There is a debate between Frasier and Kate about the Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra and which key it is in; in fact, both of them are wrong.
( dogs barking)
COME ON IN.
IT'S ALL OVER.
HE WON'T MESS WITH YOU.
ARE YOU NUTS?
THAT WAS A DOBERMAN.
OH, DEAR, WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, GET THE FIRST AID KIT.
EDDIE GOT INTO A FIGHT.
WE WERE ON THE ELEVATOR
WITH THAT DOBERMAN
FROM UPSTAIRS.
EDDIE TOOK A PERFECTLY
INNOCENT SNIFF
AND, WHAM.
MORNING, ALL.
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
EDDIE WAS VICIOUSLY ATTACKED.
OH.
IS THAT COFFEE CAKE I SMELL?
WELL, NOW THAT I LOOK
AT IT, IT'S JUST A SCRATCH
BUT I PROBABLY SHOULD
TAKE HIM TO THE VET'S ANYWAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY?
THE NEW STATION MANAGER'S HERE.
SHE WANTED TO MEET WITH US.
SHE? WORKING FOR A WOMAN, HUH?
YES. WHY?
WELL, IT'S TOUGH ON GUYS...
TAKING ORDERS FROM A WOMAN.
WE RESENT IT.
THAT'S ABSURD.
IF I HAD TROUBLE TAKING
ORDERS FROM A WOMAN
FREDERICK WOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED.
MY BROTHERS COULDN'T
STAND TAKING ORDERS FROM ME.
I WAS FOREVER TELLING THEM
"BILLY, CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
"GET YOUR ELBOW
OUT OF THE GRAVY.
"NIGEL, TAKE THAT THING
BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.
THE WHOLE HOUSE
IS FULL OF FLIES."
( doorbell rings)
MORNING, NILES.
HELLO, FRASIER, DAD, DAPHNE.
I CAN'T STAY.
I JUST WANTED TO ASK A FAVOR.
DAD, CAN I BORROW YOUR GUN?
MARIS TAKING SINGING
LESSONS AGAIN?
NO. OUR HOME SECURITY
SYSTEM IS DOWN FOR REPAIRS
AND NO ELECTRIC GATES.
I'LL JUST FEEL SAFER
IF I'M PACKING HEAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO PACK A LUNCH.
DAD, PLEASE.
MARIS IS A WRECK EVER
SINCE SHE FOUND OUT
OUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD
WATCH IS WINTERING IN PALM BEACH.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE
FIRST THING ABOUT GUNS.
I PROMISE I'LL OPEN
THE SPINNING THING
AND CHECK FOR BULLETS
BEFORE I SHOOT ANYBODY.
ACTUALLY, DR. CRANE, YOUR
FATHER'S GUN ISN'T A REVOLVER.
IT'S A COLT .45 ACP
WITH A SINGLE-STACK MAGAZINE.
WHEN I FIRST CAME TO AMERICA, I
WORKED AT A CONVENIENCE STORE.
DAD, PLEASE?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN
CIVILIANS HAVING GUNS.
MARIS'S MOTHER GAVE HER A GUN.
THEN MARIS'S MOTHER
CAN CLEAN UP THE MESS
AFTER SHE ACCIDENTALLY
BLOWS YOUR BRAINS OUT.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING NONSENSE.
MARIS'S MOTHER HAS NEVER
CLEANED ANYTHING IN HER LIFE.
THIS STINKS!
I CAN'T WORK FOR A CHICK.
THEY ARE COMPLETELY
RULED BY THEIR HORMONES.
HARF! HARF!
IT'LL NEVER WORK.
Woman: LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I'VE BEEN WORKING
THE OFFICE GRAPEVINE.
I'VE GOT THE SCOOP
ON THE NEW BOSS.
WILL SHE FIRE ME?
FIRST THINGS FIRST.
IS SHE BAG-ABLE?
FORGET IT, BULLDOG.
SHE'D HAVE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
RIGHT. LIKE I EVER STICK
AROUND THAT LONG.
ANYWAY, THE WORD IS SHE'S,
LIKE, THIS PSYCHO PERFECTIONIST.
EVERYONE AT HER LAST STATION
WAS SCARED TO DEATH OF HER.
SHE'S BECOMING MY IDOL.
WHAT IF SHE HATES SPORTS?
I NEED THIS JOB.
I JUST PROMISED MY
MOM A NEW PACEMAKER.
THINK I COULD GET HER TO BELIEVE
I SAID PASTA MAKER?
NOW LOOK, THERE'S NO REASON
FOR US TO GIVE IN
TO OUR INSECURITIES.
WE ALL DO GOOD, SOLID SHOWS.
WE HARDLY EVEN KNOW THIS WOMAN.
ALREADY, WE'RE PAINTING
HER AS A HEARTLESS MEDUSA.
SHE SAID MY RATINGS ARE DOWN.
SHE SAID I'M NOT HIP.
FATHER MIKE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
THE LITTLE THUG FIRED ME.
I'M SO SORRY.
DID SHE SAY ANYTHING ELSE?
SHE SAID, "SEND IN FRASIER."
LISTEN, TELL THE MOVERS
I WANT THE COUCH DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF THE BOOKCASE.
UH-HUH.
OH, HAVE A SEAT.
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
NO, NOT THERE.
IN FRONT OF THE BOOKCASE.
YEAH.
NOW LOOK, LOOK...
I'VE GOT SOMEBODY HERE.
COULD WE MOVE THE
FURNITURE LATER?
COULD WE DO THAT?
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
KATE COSTAS.
WHAT A PLEASURE.
I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO
TAPES OF ALL YOUR SHOWS.
I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
REALLY?
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I LIKE TO THINK OF
MY SHOW AS A HAVEN
FOR THE TEMPEST-TOSSED IN
THE MAELSTROM OF EVERYDAY LIFE.
WOW. YOU REALLY TALK THAT WAY.
ANYWAY
YOUR RATINGS ARE VERY GOOD
BUT I STILL THINK
WE CAN DO BETTER.
ANY IDEAS?
HOW TO... IMPROVE MY SHOW...
UH...
THAT IS A TALL ORDER.
OH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, I WAS THINKING
OF PLAYING CLASSICAL
MUSIC BEFORE MY INTROS.
PERHAPS, BARTOK'S CONCERTO
FOR ORCHESTRA IN "D" MINOR.
IT'S TOO HIGHBROW.
I MEAN, I LOVE CLASSICAL MUSIC
BUT TO MOST PEOPLE,
IT'S A BIG SNORE.
OH, INCIDENTALLY,
BARTOK'S CONCERTO IS IN "C."
ARE YOU SURE?
POSITIVE.
I WORKED AT A CLASSICAL
STATION IN COLLEGE.
LET'S TALK ADVERTISING.
YOU GOT A GREAT FACE.
I WANT TO SEE IT ON T-SHIRTS.
I WANT TO SEE IT
ON PARK BENCHES.
I EVEN WANT TO
SEE IT ON FRISBEES.
EVERYBODY IN SEATTLE
SHOULD BE TOSSING IT,
WEARING IT, SITTING ON IT.
WONDERFUL.
YOU KNOW, I HATE TO NIT-PICK
BUT I'M CERTAIN THAT
CONCERTO'S IN "D."
I WAS A MUSIC MINOR AT HARVARD.
IT'S IN "C."
IT WAS COMMISSIONED BY
SERGE KOUSSEVITZKY IN 1943
FOR THE BOSTON
SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
AND SINCE THEN, IT'S BEEN
RECORDED OVER 30 TIMES
EACH TIME IN "C."
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I'M RIGHT.
ALSO, I THINK YOU SHOULD
START DOING THEME SHOWS.
DEVOTE A WHOLE SHOW TO PEOPLE
HAVING EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS
OR DEVOTE A WHOLE SHOW TO PEOPLE
WITH ABERRANT SEXUAL PRACTICES.
COULD YOU JUST GIVE
ME A HAND WITH THAT BOX?
OF COURSE.
UH, KATE... UH...
YOU KNOW, THAT
ADVERTISING THING...
OOH, IT WAS A VERY GOOD IDEA
BUT THAT, UH... THESE
THEME SHOWS, UH...
IT'S A LESS GOOD IDEA.
YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY WORSE IDEA.
WHY'S THAT?
WELL...
I AM A... A DOCTOR
AND, UH... I'D HATE TO HAVE
THE SERIOUS WORK I DO
BE TAINTED BY COMMERCIALISM.
BUT YOU DON'T MIND THE FRISBEES?
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE
ENTIRELY UNCOOPERATIVE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S...
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE BEEN
IN THE RADIO GAME
FOR SOME TIME NOW
AND I THINK I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH
ABOUT BROADCASTING, AS THEY SAY
TO KNOW WHAT IT IS
THAT MAKES MY SHOW
A GOOD SHOW.
MY GOD, YOU'VE WON
SIX GOLDEN MIKE AWARDS?
AREN'T YOU SWEET TO NOTICE?
FINALLY, I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO START GIVING PRIORITY
TO THE JUICIER CALLS.
THAT'S CALLED PANDERING.
AND THAT IS CALLED
A PEABODY AWARD.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
SAY TO A CALLER, "SORRY
YOU LOST YOUR JOB
"BUT UNEMPLOYMENT'S A SNORE.
"SLEEP WITH YOUR
BEST FRIEND'S WIFE
"AND CALL IN ON MONDAY
WHEN IT WILL BE INFIDELITY DAY
ON THE FRASIER CRANE SHOW?"
I REALLY KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING HERE.
THE PSYCHIATRIST AT MY
LAST STATION WENT NATIONAL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'D
RATHER STAY LOCAL
IF GOING NATIONAL MEANS
SUCKING AT THE SUMP
PUMP OF SENSATIONALISM!
WELL, I'M THE BOSS, DOC.
SO PUCKER UP.
LISTEN, LADY, I'M NOT
CHANGING MY SHOW.
UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING
TO EXPLAIN TO THE OWNERS
WHY YOU FIRED ONE OF
YOUR HIGHEST-RATED HOSTS
THERE'S NOTHING
YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
IS THERE?
WELL, WE'RE COMING
UP ON 3:00 A.M...
ROZ, WHO'S OUR NEXT CALLER?
WHO CARES?
Man: I got to disagree
with your last two callers.
I'm in the same line of work
and I think what we
do is very important.
People depend on us.
( bell dings)
I got to go, Doc.
It's time to powder
the jelly doughnuts.
WELL, I HATE TO CUT SHORT
THIS ENTHRALLING SYMPOSIUM
BUT PERHAPS WE
COULD HEAR FROM SOME
NON-BAKERS FOR A CHANGE.
WRAP IT UP, WILL YOU?
WE'RE FINALLY DONE.
OH, THANK GOD.
STAY TUNED FOR THE
NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORTS.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
YADDA, YADDA, YADDA, BYE.
WE REALLY STUNK UP THE
AIRWAVES WITH THAT ONE, DIDN'T WE?
FRASIER, I WANT YOU TO
FLASH FORWARD TO TONIGHT.
IT'S SOMETIME AFTER MIDNIGHT.
DENNIS ABBOT AND I HAVE JUST
FINISHED A GLORIOUS
MEAL AT LE RALEE.
HE'S ASKED ME BACK TO HIS PLACE
TO SEE HIS PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
TO SEE HIS PRICELESS
COLLECTION OF SILK SHEETS
AND I LEAN OVER AND WHISPER
"I CAN'T. I HAVE TO GO
TO WORK IN AN HOUR."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
WELL, FOR STARTERS,
YOU AT LE RALEE.
IT'S A TWO-WEEK WAIT.
SO IS DENNIS ABBOT.
FRASIER, WE HAVE GOT TO
GET OUR OLD TIME SLOT BACK.
DON'T WORRY, ROZ, WE WILL.
SHE JUST MOVED US
TO BREAK OUR SPIRIT.
WELL, SHE CAN SADDLE ME UP,
RIDE ME AROUND THE COFFEE ROOM.
I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN.
GOOD MORNING.
OH, HELLO.
ENJOYING YOUR NEW TIME SLOT?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
FOUND IT INVIGORATING.
DIDN'T YOU, ROZ?
REMEMBER THAT WOMAN
WHO CALLED IN... YOU KNOW
THE ONE WITH THE
DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR?
( chuckling)
COULDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY NOBODY LIKED HER.
WELL, I HOPE YOU EXPLAINED
TO HER THAT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT
THAT PEOPLE LIKE HER
AS LONG AS THEY RESPECT HER.
OH, YES, RESPECT IS IMPORTANT.
SO IS SELF-RESPECT.
OH, YES, YES
BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T
TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SELF-RESPECT
AND PIG-HEADEDNESS.
YES, BUT THOSE PEOPLE
ARE RIGID DEMAGOGUES
WHO DON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE KIND OF RESPECT
THAT IS EARNED AND...
RESPECT THAT IS...
IRRESPECTIVE OF...
OF WHAT OTHERS EXPECT.
ISN'T IT SAD WHEN BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO GOOD SENTENCES?
I THINK I MADE MYSELF CLEAR.
WELL, I REALLY DO
HAVE WORK TO DO.
I'VE GOT TO FIND SOMEBODY
FOR YOUR OLD TIME SLOT
NOW THAT IT'S FREE.
GOOD LUCK!
NICE GOING, FRASIER.
NOW SHE'S NEVER
GOING TO GIVE IN.
STEADY, ROZ.
SHE INTIMIDATES PEOPLE
BUT HERE AT KACL,
SHE'LL FIND THAT
WE'RE NOT A BUNCH
OF SPINELESS TWITS.
HEY!
IS SHE GONE?
IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS
BACON, I'M GIVING IT TO EDDIE.
BACON'S NOT GOOD FOR HIM.
EDDIE! HEY, EDDIE,
COME HERE, BOY!
AH!
( chuckling)
AND CAN'T WE TAKE THAT
STUPID THING OFF HIM?
NO. THE VET SAID
IF HE SCRATCHES THE
SCABS, THEY'LL NEVER HEAL.
I HAVE NOTICED IF YOU
SIT HIM NEXT TO THE TELLY
CHANNEL 5 COMES
IN A LOT CLEARER.
LOOK AT HIM... HE'S HUMILIATED.
( dog barking upstairs)
WELL, IT DOESN'T HELP
THAT THAT BULLY UPSTAIRS
KEEPS RUBBING IT IN.
( barking)
YOU TELL HIM, BOY!
FOR GOD'S SAKE, I AM
TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP.
I ASKED YOU TO
KEEP THAT DOG QUIET
AND INSTEAD, YOU OUTFIT
HIM WITH A MEGAPHONE.
IN THE LAST 36 HOURS, I
HAVEN'T HAD SO MUCH AS A NAP
AND I'VE GOT TO BE BACK
AT THE STATION BY 2:00 A.M.
EDDIE, LISTEN CAREFULLY.
BY THE TIME THIS DAY IS UP,
ONE OF US IS GOING TO SLEEP.
OH, DON'T WORRY, DR. CRANE.
I'LL TAKE EDDIE FOR A WALK
AND AS FAR AS YOUR
PROBLEM AT WORK GOES
IF YOU WANT MY OPINION...
DON'T!
I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF
WOMEN'S OPINIONS FOR THE WEEK
BETWEEN THE STATION'S
NEW REICHSCHANCELLOR
AND ROZ' INCESSANT WHINING.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
YOUR ENTIRE SEX
CAN PUT A SOCK IN IT.
BOY, YOU NEVER LET ME GET
AWAY WITH A COMMENT LIKE THAT.
OH, EVEN THE BEST OF US
CAN GET A BIT CRANKY
WHEN WE'RE OVERTIRED.
ALL DR. CRANE NEEDS RIGHT NOW
IS A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET.
EDDIE?
( whistling)
Frasier: DAMN IT!
OH.
MORNING, DAPHNE.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
OH, I'M TAKING EDDIE FOR A WALK.
BY YOURSELF?
YES, OF COURSE. WHY NOT?
IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE.
YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED...
ONE OF THESE.
A STARTER'S PISTOL.
OH, I DON'T THINK SO, DR. CRANE,
BUT THANKS FOR THE THOUGHT.
( giggling)
HOW DID SHE KNOW
IT WASN'T A REAL GUN?
IT FOOLED THE SERVANTS
EVEN THE ONES WHO SPENT
YEARS FLEEING JUNTAS.
YOU BOUGHT A STARTER'S PISTOL?
YES. YOU SEE AS LONG
MARIS THINKS IT'S REAL
IT MAKES HER FEEL SECURE
BUT THIS WAY, NO
ONE CAN GET HURT.
( gun firing)
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
WAS THAT A GUNSHOT?
MORNING, FRASIER,
JUST GETTING UP?
JUST GETTING UP?!
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
A GUN JUST WENT OFF IN HERE!
NILES BOUGHT A STARTER'S PISTOL.
THERE'S NO NEED TO GET SNIPPY.
ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
OH, I'M SORRY, WAS I SNIPPY?
I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS
TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT
THERE NOT BE GUNPLAY
IN MY LIVING ROOM!
YOU KNOW, NILES
YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE ANY KIND OF GUN.
COME TO THINK OF IT
WITH MR. SUNSHINE
HOME DURING THE DAY
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T EITHER.
JUST RELAX.
IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE
MY LOYAL FANS PROTEST
AND THE AFTERNOON
SLOT IS ONCE AGAIN HOME
TO THE COMPASSIONATE AND
LOVEABLE DR. FRASIER CRANE.
NOW, GET THE HELL
OUT, BOTH OF YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE I CAN CATCH UP
TO DAPHNE IN THE PARK.
I'LL COVER YOU.
HELLO, SEATTLE.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I'LL BE TAKING YOUR CALLS
FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS.
ROZ, WHO'S ON THE LINE?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
I JUST GOT HERE.
HELLO, LINE 2, YOU'RE ON
WITH DR. FRASIER CRANE.
Hey, Dr. Crane, it's Mark.
HELLO, MARK.
I'M LISTENING.
Okay, well, I work at
this all-night mini-mart
and, uh, I've been
watching myself
on the video camera,
and the camera... me...
Is doing things I
don't approve of.
Woman: People think
insomnia is a laughing matter
but it's hell.
If I don't get some
sleep soon, I'll go crazy.
You've got to help
me, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Crane? Hey,
I'm talking here!
WHAT?! I'M LISTENING.
So, what do you
think I should do?
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
THESE THINGS SEEM CLEARER
IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.
UH... MY ADVICE
IS TO SLEEP ON IT.
Is that some kind of joke...
Make fun of the insomniac?
NO, NO, I...
( dial tone)
OH, OH...
AND NOW, FOR A WORD
FROM, UM, UH, UH...
SOMEONE, UH...
I FORGET.
I THINK THEY SELL PAINT.
YOU HEAR THAT WHOOSHING SOUND?
IT'S MY CAREER GOING
DOWN THE TOILET.
OH, GOD, ROZ, I DON'T THINK
I'VE HELPED A SINGLE
PERSON TONIGHT.
YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF
YOU DON'T GET SUED.
YOU TOLD A LONGSHOREMAN
TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET
AND A GAY GUY TO SPEND
MORE TIME ON THE DOCKS.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP
TRACK OF WHO'S ON WHAT LINE.
LET ME MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU.
FREAKS! FREAKS ON LINE 1
FREAKS ON LINE 2!
FREAKS! EVERYWHERE!
ROZ! ROZ! ROZ, WE SHOULDN'T
GET MAD AT EACH OTHER.
THIS IS ALL KATE'S FAULT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. RIGHT.
SHE'S RUINING US, AND
THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO.
YES, THERE IS.
IF WE'RE GOING DOWN
WE'LL TAKE HER DOWN WITH US.
WE'VE GOT ONE HOUR LEFT.
WE'LL GIVE HER MORE RAUNCH
THAN SHE EVER DREAMED OF.
PUMP UP THE VOLUME,
AND CALL ME KITTY.
OKAY.
WE'RE BACK, SEATTLE
AND IN ACCORDANCE
WITH NEW STATION POLICY
WE ARE GOING TO BE PANDERING
TO THE LOWEST HUMAN INSTINCT...
IN OTHER WORDS, WHO
WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX?
SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX!
( whip snapping)
YAH!
I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S HAVING SEX
HOW YOU'RE HAVING IT!
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE
HAVING IT RIGHT NOW!
LOOK, DR. CRANE,
THE LINES ARE HOT...
REALLY HOT!
THANK YOU, KITTY.
HELLO, CALLER.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
Woman: Nothing. I'm naked.
HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!
LET'S ALL GET NAKED!
HEY, I'M GETTING
NAKED RIGHT NOW!
WHILE DR. CRANE STRIPS
OUR NEW STATION MANAGER
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
IF YOU PREFER TO BE THE
SPANKER OR THE SPANKEE.
Oh, definitely the spanker.
WELL, THEN, HOP IN A CAB!
I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS.
WHOO!
While Roz laces up
her leather bustier
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
KACL. All talk,
night, all naked!
EXPLAIN.
AS GEORGE BERNARD
SHAW ONCE SAID:
"THERE ARE TWO
TRAGEDIES IN LIFE...
"ONE IS NOT GETTING
WHAT WE WANT.
THE OTHER IS GETTING IT."
YOU KNOW FULL WELL
THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED.
YOU DID THIS TO VEX ME.
AND YOU SUCCEEDED.
AND IT WAS NOT SHAW.
IT WAS OSCAR WILDE.
DID YOU EVER OPEN
A BOOK AT HARVARD?
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THESE DAYS,
YOU'RE GOING TO MISQUOTE SOMEONE
AND I'M GOING TO LAND ON
YOU LIKE A SUMO WRESTLER.
ALL I WANTED... ALL I WANTED
WAS A LOUSY LITTLE THEME SHOW
ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK.
YEAH. "FRASIER CRANE
TAKES A LEERING
LOOK AT INFIDELITY."
NO, NOT A LEERING LOOK.
JUST A GOOD LOOK AT
THE PAIN OF INFIDELITY
AT WHAT IT DOES TO FAMILIES,
WHAT IT DOES TO CHILDREN
AT WHAT IT DOES TO
THE FABRIC OF SOCIETY
AND THIS IS JUST OFF
THE TOP OF MY HEAD.
BUT NO. YOU ARE SUCH
AN ARROGANT GASBAG
SO USED TO BEING COCK
OF THE WALK AROUND HERE
THAT YOU CAN'T STAND
STILL FOR ONE MINUTE
AND LISTEN TO A PERFECTLY
VALID SUGGESTION
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
AND YOU ARE SUCH
A SMUG EGOMANIAC
THAT YOUR ENTIRE SELF-IMAGE
WOULD SHATTER
LIKE A CHEAP MIRROR
IF YOU EVER HAD TO ADMIT
THAT YOU HAD MADE A MISTAKE.
WHAT A CLASSIC CASE
OF NEUROTIC NARCISSISM, AND
A FIRST-CLASS SMARTY-PANTS!
YOU CAN GO AHEAD
AND FIRE ME NOW.
YES. I COULD DO THAT. YES.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
DID YOU LISTEN TO
THE WHOLE TAPE?
OH, YEAH, BUT UNLIKE YOU
I PUT WHAT'S GOOD
FOR THE STATION
ABOVE MY PERSONAL FEELINGS.
WELL, THAT'S, THAT'S
AWFULLY BIG OF YOU.
I GUESS THAT
MEANS I'LL BE MOVING
BACK TO MY OLD TIME SLOT.
GUESS AGAIN, CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT.
IF I GIVE YOU BACK
YOUR OLD TIME SLOT
WITHOUT YOUR MAKING A
SINGLE CONCESSION TO ME
THAT WOULD COMPLETELY
UNDERMINE MY AUTHORITY.
BEING A CRACK SHRINK, SURELY
THAT'S WITHIN YOUR GRASP.
GRASP THIS: IF I DON'T GET
MY OLD TIME SLOT, I QUIT.
GRASP THIS: YOU
DO, AND I'LL SUE YOU
FOR BREACH OF CONTRACT.
OKAY, THEN IT'S A STALEMATE
AND IF WE DON'T WANT
TO REMAIN ENTRENCHED
IN THESE POSITIONS FOREVER
ONE OF US HAD BETTER
THINK OF SOMETHING.
YES, ONE OF US BETTER.
I'VE GOT IT!
DAMN!
SO, WE'RE TOGETHER, RIGHT?
ABSOLUTELY.
WE'RE NOT LETTING HER
PUSH US AROUND ANY LONGER.
NOPE. YOU DO THE TALKING.
I'LL STAND BEHIND YOU AND
BURN HOLES THROUGH HER
WITH MY "YOU CALL THIS A
HOLLANDAISE SAUCE?" GLARE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.
I LIKE THEME SHOWS,
AND I'M GOING TO DO THEM
STARTING WITH "FRASIER
CRANE TAKES A LOOK
AT THE CONSEQUENCES
OF INFIDELITY."
YOU DO, AND YOU'LL
START THAT SHOW
WITH CLASSICAL MUSIC.
BARTOK'S "CONCERTO IN 'C.'"
I DON'T CARE HOW
MUCH YOU HATE IT.
DAMN YOU!
IT'S MY WAY, OR NO WAY.
YOU WIN. BARTOK IT IS.
WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT?
NOTHING.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]
COME ON IN.
IT'S ALL OVER.
HE WON'T MESS WITH YOU.
ARE YOU NUTS?
THAT WAS A DOBERMAN.
OH, DEAR, WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, GET THE FIRST AID KIT.
EDDIE GOT INTO A FIGHT.
WE WERE ON THE ELEVATOR
WITH THAT DOBERMAN
FROM UPSTAIRS.
EDDIE TOOK A PERFECTLY
INNOCENT SNIFF
AND, WHAM.
MORNING, ALL.
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
EDDIE WAS VICIOUSLY ATTACKED.
OH.
IS THAT COFFEE CAKE I SMELL?
WELL, NOW THAT I LOOK
AT IT, IT'S JUST A SCRATCH
BUT I PROBABLY SHOULD
TAKE HIM TO THE VET'S ANYWAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP SO EARLY?
THE NEW STATION MANAGER'S HERE.
SHE WANTED TO MEET WITH US.
SHE? WORKING FOR A WOMAN, HUH?
YES. WHY?
WELL, IT'S TOUGH ON GUYS...
TAKING ORDERS FROM A WOMAN.
WE RESENT IT.
THAT'S ABSURD.
IF I HAD TROUBLE TAKING
ORDERS FROM A WOMAN
FREDERICK WOULD NEVER
HAVE BEEN CONCEIVED.
MY BROTHERS COULDN'T
STAND TAKING ORDERS FROM ME.
I WAS FOREVER TELLING THEM
"BILLY, CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
"GET YOUR ELBOW
OUT OF THE GRAVY.
"NIGEL, TAKE THAT THING
BACK TO THE HOSPITAL.
THE WHOLE HOUSE
IS FULL OF FLIES."
( doorbell rings)
MORNING, NILES.
HELLO, FRASIER, DAD, DAPHNE.
I CAN'T STAY.
I JUST WANTED TO ASK A FAVOR.
DAD, CAN I BORROW YOUR GUN?
MARIS TAKING SINGING
LESSONS AGAIN?
NO. OUR HOME SECURITY
SYSTEM IS DOWN FOR REPAIRS
AND NO ELECTRIC GATES.
I'LL JUST FEEL SAFER
IF I'M PACKING HEAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
HOW TO PACK A LUNCH.
DAD, PLEASE.
MARIS IS A WRECK EVER
SINCE SHE FOUND OUT
OUR ENTIRE NEIGHBORHOOD
WATCH IS WINTERING IN PALM BEACH.
YOU DON'T KNOW THE
FIRST THING ABOUT GUNS.
I PROMISE I'LL OPEN
THE SPINNING THING
AND CHECK FOR BULLETS
BEFORE I SHOOT ANYBODY.
ACTUALLY, DR. CRANE, YOUR
FATHER'S GUN ISN'T A REVOLVER.
IT'S A COLT .45 ACP
WITH A SINGLE-STACK MAGAZINE.
WHEN I FIRST CAME TO AMERICA, I
WORKED AT A CONVENIENCE STORE.
DAD, PLEASE?
I DON'T BELIEVE IN
CIVILIANS HAVING GUNS.
MARIS'S MOTHER GAVE HER A GUN.
THEN MARIS'S MOTHER
CAN CLEAN UP THE MESS
AFTER SHE ACCIDENTALLY
BLOWS YOUR BRAINS OUT.
NOW YOU'RE TALKING NONSENSE.
MARIS'S MOTHER HAS NEVER
CLEANED ANYTHING IN HER LIFE.
THIS STINKS!
I CAN'T WORK FOR A CHICK.
THEY ARE COMPLETELY
RULED BY THEIR HORMONES.
HARF! HARF!
IT'LL NEVER WORK.
Woman: LISTEN UP, EVERYONE.
I'VE BEEN WORKING
THE OFFICE GRAPEVINE.
I'VE GOT THE SCOOP
ON THE NEW BOSS.
WILL SHE FIRE ME?
FIRST THINGS FIRST.
IS SHE BAG-ABLE?
FORGET IT, BULLDOG.
SHE'D HAVE YOU FOR BREAKFAST.
RIGHT. LIKE I EVER STICK
AROUND THAT LONG.
ANYWAY, THE WORD IS SHE'S,
LIKE, THIS PSYCHO PERFECTIONIST.
EVERYONE AT HER LAST STATION
WAS SCARED TO DEATH OF HER.
SHE'S BECOMING MY IDOL.
WHAT IF SHE HATES SPORTS?
I NEED THIS JOB.
I JUST PROMISED MY
MOM A NEW PACEMAKER.
THINK I COULD GET HER TO BELIEVE
I SAID PASTA MAKER?
NOW LOOK, THERE'S NO REASON
FOR US TO GIVE IN
TO OUR INSECURITIES.
WE ALL DO GOOD, SOLID SHOWS.
WE HARDLY EVEN KNOW THIS WOMAN.
ALREADY, WE'RE PAINTING
HER AS A HEARTLESS MEDUSA.
SHE SAID MY RATINGS ARE DOWN.
SHE SAID I'M NOT HIP.
FATHER MIKE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
THE LITTLE THUG FIRED ME.
I'M SO SORRY.
DID SHE SAY ANYTHING ELSE?
SHE SAID, "SEND IN FRASIER."
LISTEN, TELL THE MOVERS
I WANT THE COUCH DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF THE BOOKCASE.
UH-HUH.
OH, HAVE A SEAT.
UH-HUH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
NO, NOT THERE.
IN FRONT OF THE BOOKCASE.
YEAH.
NOW LOOK, LOOK...
I'VE GOT SOMEBODY HERE.
COULD WE MOVE THE
FURNITURE LATER?
COULD WE DO THAT?
DR. FRASIER CRANE.
KATE COSTAS.
WHAT A PLEASURE.
I'VE BEEN LISTENING TO
TAPES OF ALL YOUR SHOWS.
I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
REALLY?
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I LIKE TO THINK OF
MY SHOW AS A HAVEN
FOR THE TEMPEST-TOSSED IN
THE MAELSTROM OF EVERYDAY LIFE.
WOW. YOU REALLY TALK THAT WAY.
ANYWAY
YOUR RATINGS ARE VERY GOOD
BUT I STILL THINK
WE CAN DO BETTER.
ANY IDEAS?
HOW TO... IMPROVE MY SHOW...
UH...
THAT IS A TALL ORDER.
OH, WELL, YOU
KNOW, I WAS THINKING
OF PLAYING CLASSICAL
MUSIC BEFORE MY INTROS.
PERHAPS, BARTOK'S CONCERTO
FOR ORCHESTRA IN "D" MINOR.
IT'S TOO HIGHBROW.
I MEAN, I LOVE CLASSICAL MUSIC
BUT TO MOST PEOPLE,
IT'S A BIG SNORE.
OH, INCIDENTALLY,
BARTOK'S CONCERTO IS IN "C."
ARE YOU SURE?
POSITIVE.
I WORKED AT A CLASSICAL
STATION IN COLLEGE.
LET'S TALK ADVERTISING.
YOU GOT A GREAT FACE.
I WANT TO SEE IT ON T-SHIRTS.
I WANT TO SEE IT
ON PARK BENCHES.
I EVEN WANT TO
SEE IT ON FRISBEES.
EVERYBODY IN SEATTLE
SHOULD BE TOSSING IT,
WEARING IT, SITTING ON IT.
WONDERFUL.
YOU KNOW, I HATE TO NIT-PICK
BUT I'M CERTAIN THAT
CONCERTO'S IN "D."
I WAS A MUSIC MINOR AT HARVARD.
IT'S IN "C."
IT WAS COMMISSIONED BY
SERGE KOUSSEVITZKY IN 1943
FOR THE BOSTON
SYMPHONY ORCHESTRA.
AND SINCE THEN, IT'S BEEN
RECORDED OVER 30 TIMES
EACH TIME IN "C."
WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.
MAYBE I'M RIGHT.
ALSO, I THINK YOU SHOULD
START DOING THEME SHOWS.
DEVOTE A WHOLE SHOW TO PEOPLE
HAVING EXTRAMARITAL AFFAIRS
OR DEVOTE A WHOLE SHOW TO PEOPLE
WITH ABERRANT SEXUAL PRACTICES.
COULD YOU JUST GIVE
ME A HAND WITH THAT BOX?
OF COURSE.
UH, KATE... UH...
YOU KNOW, THAT
ADVERTISING THING...
OOH, IT WAS A VERY GOOD IDEA
BUT THAT, UH... THESE
THEME SHOWS, UH...
IT'S A LESS GOOD IDEA.
YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY WORSE IDEA.
WHY'S THAT?
WELL...
I AM A... A DOCTOR
AND, UH... I'D HATE TO HAVE
THE SERIOUS WORK I DO
BE TAINTED BY COMMERCIALISM.
BUT YOU DON'T MIND THE FRISBEES?
WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE
ENTIRELY UNCOOPERATIVE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S...
IT'S JUST THAT I'VE BEEN
IN THE RADIO GAME
FOR SOME TIME NOW
AND I THINK I'VE LEARNED ENOUGH
ABOUT BROADCASTING, AS THEY SAY
TO KNOW WHAT IT IS
THAT MAKES MY SHOW
A GOOD SHOW.
MY GOD, YOU'VE WON
SIX GOLDEN MIKE AWARDS?
AREN'T YOU SWEET TO NOTICE?
FINALLY, I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO START GIVING PRIORITY
TO THE JUICIER CALLS.
THAT'S CALLED PANDERING.
AND THAT IS CALLED
A PEABODY AWARD.
WHAT DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO?
SAY TO A CALLER, "SORRY
YOU LOST YOUR JOB
"BUT UNEMPLOYMENT'S A SNORE.
"SLEEP WITH YOUR
BEST FRIEND'S WIFE
"AND CALL IN ON MONDAY
WHEN IT WILL BE INFIDELITY DAY
ON THE FRASIER CRANE SHOW?"
I REALLY KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING HERE.
THE PSYCHIATRIST AT MY
LAST STATION WENT NATIONAL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'D
RATHER STAY LOCAL
IF GOING NATIONAL MEANS
SUCKING AT THE SUMP
PUMP OF SENSATIONALISM!
WELL, I'M THE BOSS, DOC.
SO PUCKER UP.
LISTEN, LADY, I'M NOT
CHANGING MY SHOW.
UNLESS YOU'RE WILLING
TO EXPLAIN TO THE OWNERS
WHY YOU FIRED ONE OF
YOUR HIGHEST-RATED HOSTS
THERE'S NOTHING
YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT
IS THERE?
WELL, WE'RE COMING
UP ON 3:00 A.M...
ROZ, WHO'S OUR NEXT CALLER?
WHO CARES?
Man: I got to disagree
with your last two callers.
I'm in the same line of work
and I think what we
do is very important.
People depend on us.
( bell dings)
I got to go, Doc.
It's time to powder
the jelly doughnuts.
WELL, I HATE TO CUT SHORT
THIS ENTHRALLING SYMPOSIUM
BUT PERHAPS WE
COULD HEAR FROM SOME
NON-BAKERS FOR A CHANGE.
WRAP IT UP, WILL YOU?
WE'RE FINALLY DONE.
OH, THANK GOD.
STAY TUNED FOR THE
NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORTS.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
YADDA, YADDA, YADDA, BYE.
WE REALLY STUNK UP THE
AIRWAVES WITH THAT ONE, DIDN'T WE?
FRASIER, I WANT YOU TO
FLASH FORWARD TO TONIGHT.
IT'S SOMETIME AFTER MIDNIGHT.
DENNIS ABBOT AND I HAVE JUST
FINISHED A GLORIOUS
MEAL AT LE RALEE.
HE'S ASKED ME BACK TO HIS PLACE
TO SEE HIS PENTHOUSE APARTMENT
TO SEE HIS PRICELESS
COLLECTION OF SILK SHEETS
AND I LEAN OVER AND WHISPER
"I CAN'T. I HAVE TO GO
TO WORK IN AN HOUR."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
WELL, FOR STARTERS,
YOU AT LE RALEE.
IT'S A TWO-WEEK WAIT.
SO IS DENNIS ABBOT.
FRASIER, WE HAVE GOT TO
GET OUR OLD TIME SLOT BACK.
DON'T WORRY, ROZ, WE WILL.
SHE JUST MOVED US
TO BREAK OUR SPIRIT.
WELL, SHE CAN SADDLE ME UP,
RIDE ME AROUND THE COFFEE ROOM.
I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN.
GOOD MORNING.
OH, HELLO.
ENJOYING YOUR NEW TIME SLOT?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I
FOUND IT INVIGORATING.
DIDN'T YOU, ROZ?
REMEMBER THAT WOMAN
WHO CALLED IN... YOU KNOW
THE ONE WITH THE
DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR?
( chuckling)
COULDN'T UNDERSTAND
WHY NOBODY LIKED HER.
WELL, I HOPE YOU EXPLAINED
TO HER THAT IT'S NOT IMPORTANT
THAT PEOPLE LIKE HER
AS LONG AS THEY RESPECT HER.
OH, YES, RESPECT IS IMPORTANT.
SO IS SELF-RESPECT.
OH, YES, YES
BUT SOME PEOPLE CAN'T
TELL THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN SELF-RESPECT
AND PIG-HEADEDNESS.
YES, BUT THOSE PEOPLE
ARE RIGID DEMAGOGUES
WHO DON'T KNOW THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
THE KIND OF RESPECT
THAT IS EARNED AND...
RESPECT THAT IS...
IRRESPECTIVE OF...
OF WHAT OTHERS EXPECT.
ISN'T IT SAD WHEN BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO GOOD SENTENCES?
I THINK I MADE MYSELF CLEAR.
WELL, I REALLY DO
HAVE WORK TO DO.
I'VE GOT TO FIND SOMEBODY
FOR YOUR OLD TIME SLOT
NOW THAT IT'S FREE.
GOOD LUCK!
NICE GOING, FRASIER.
NOW SHE'S NEVER
GOING TO GIVE IN.
STEADY, ROZ.
SHE INTIMIDATES PEOPLE
BUT HERE AT KACL,
SHE'LL FIND THAT
WE'RE NOT A BUNCH
OF SPINELESS TWITS.
HEY!
IS SHE GONE?
IF YOU DON'T WANT THIS
BACON, I'M GIVING IT TO EDDIE.
BACON'S NOT GOOD FOR HIM.
EDDIE! HEY, EDDIE,
COME HERE, BOY!
AH!
( chuckling)
AND CAN'T WE TAKE THAT
STUPID THING OFF HIM?
NO. THE VET SAID
IF HE SCRATCHES THE
SCABS, THEY'LL NEVER HEAL.
I HAVE NOTICED IF YOU
SIT HIM NEXT TO THE TELLY
CHANNEL 5 COMES
IN A LOT CLEARER.
LOOK AT HIM... HE'S HUMILIATED.
( dog barking upstairs)
WELL, IT DOESN'T HELP
THAT THAT BULLY UPSTAIRS
KEEPS RUBBING IT IN.
( barking)
YOU TELL HIM, BOY!
FOR GOD'S SAKE, I AM
TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP.
I ASKED YOU TO
KEEP THAT DOG QUIET
AND INSTEAD, YOU OUTFIT
HIM WITH A MEGAPHONE.
IN THE LAST 36 HOURS, I
HAVEN'T HAD SO MUCH AS A NAP
AND I'VE GOT TO BE BACK
AT THE STATION BY 2:00 A.M.
EDDIE, LISTEN CAREFULLY.
BY THE TIME THIS DAY IS UP,
ONE OF US IS GOING TO SLEEP.
OH, DON'T WORRY, DR. CRANE.
I'LL TAKE EDDIE FOR A WALK
AND AS FAR AS YOUR
PROBLEM AT WORK GOES
IF YOU WANT MY OPINION...
DON'T!
I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF
WOMEN'S OPINIONS FOR THE WEEK
BETWEEN THE STATION'S
NEW REICHSCHANCELLOR
AND ROZ' INCESSANT WHINING.
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED
YOUR ENTIRE SEX
CAN PUT A SOCK IN IT.
BOY, YOU NEVER LET ME GET
AWAY WITH A COMMENT LIKE THAT.
OH, EVEN THE BEST OF US
CAN GET A BIT CRANKY
WHEN WE'RE OVERTIRED.
ALL DR. CRANE NEEDS RIGHT NOW
IS A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET.
EDDIE?
( whistling)
Frasier: DAMN IT!
OH.
MORNING, DAPHNE.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
OH, I'M TAKING EDDIE FOR A WALK.
BY YOURSELF?
YES, OF COURSE. WHY NOT?
IT'S DANGEROUS OUT THERE.
YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN YOU MIGHT NEED...
ONE OF THESE.
A STARTER'S PISTOL.
OH, I DON'T THINK SO, DR. CRANE,
BUT THANKS FOR THE THOUGHT.
( giggling)
HOW DID SHE KNOW
IT WASN'T A REAL GUN?
IT FOOLED THE SERVANTS
EVEN THE ONES WHO SPENT
YEARS FLEEING JUNTAS.
YOU BOUGHT A STARTER'S PISTOL?
YES. YOU SEE AS LONG
MARIS THINKS IT'S REAL
IT MAKES HER FEEL SECURE
BUT THIS WAY, NO
ONE CAN GET HURT.
( gun firing)
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!
WAS THAT A GUNSHOT?
MORNING, FRASIER,
JUST GETTING UP?
JUST GETTING UP?!
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
A GUN JUST WENT OFF IN HERE!
NILES BOUGHT A STARTER'S PISTOL.
THERE'S NO NEED TO GET SNIPPY.
ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.
OH, I'M SORRY, WAS I SNIPPY?
I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS
TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT
THERE NOT BE GUNPLAY
IN MY LIVING ROOM!
YOU KNOW, NILES
YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE ANY KIND OF GUN.
COME TO THINK OF IT
WITH MR. SUNSHINE
HOME DURING THE DAY
MAYBE I SHOULDN'T EITHER.
JUST RELAX.
IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE
MY LOYAL FANS PROTEST
AND THE AFTERNOON
SLOT IS ONCE AGAIN HOME
TO THE COMPASSIONATE AND
LOVEABLE DR. FRASIER CRANE.
NOW, GET THE HELL
OUT, BOTH OF YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
MAYBE I CAN CATCH UP
TO DAPHNE IN THE PARK.
I'LL COVER YOU.
HELLO, SEATTLE.
THIS IS DR. FRASIER CRANE.
I'LL BE TAKING YOUR CALLS
FOR THE NEXT FOUR HOURS.
ROZ, WHO'S ON THE LINE?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
I JUST GOT HERE.
HELLO, LINE 2, YOU'RE ON
WITH DR. FRASIER CRANE.
Hey, Dr. Crane, it's Mark.
HELLO, MARK.
I'M LISTENING.
Okay, well, I work at
this all-night mini-mart
and, uh, I've been
watching myself
on the video camera,
and the camera... me...
Is doing things I
don't approve of.
Woman: People think
insomnia is a laughing matter
but it's hell.
If I don't get some
sleep soon, I'll go crazy.
You've got to help
me, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Crane? Hey,
I'm talking here!
WHAT?! I'M LISTENING.
So, what do you
think I should do?
WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
THESE THINGS SEEM CLEARER
IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.
UH... MY ADVICE
IS TO SLEEP ON IT.
Is that some kind of joke...
Make fun of the insomniac?
NO, NO, I...
( dial tone)
OH, OH...
AND NOW, FOR A WORD
FROM, UM, UH, UH...
SOMEONE, UH...
I FORGET.
I THINK THEY SELL PAINT.
YOU HEAR THAT WHOOSHING SOUND?
IT'S MY CAREER GOING
DOWN THE TOILET.
OH, GOD, ROZ, I DON'T THINK
I'VE HELPED A SINGLE
PERSON TONIGHT.
YOU'LL BE LUCKY IF
YOU DON'T GET SUED.
YOU TOLD A LONGSHOREMAN
TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET
AND A GAY GUY TO SPEND
MORE TIME ON THE DOCKS.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP
TRACK OF WHO'S ON WHAT LINE.
LET ME MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU.
FREAKS! FREAKS ON LINE 1
FREAKS ON LINE 2!
FREAKS! EVERYWHERE!
ROZ! ROZ! ROZ, WE SHOULDN'T
GET MAD AT EACH OTHER.
THIS IS ALL KATE'S FAULT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. RIGHT.
SHE'S RUINING US, AND
THERE'S NOTHING WE CAN DO.
YES, THERE IS.
IF WE'RE GOING DOWN
WE'LL TAKE HER DOWN WITH US.
WE'VE GOT ONE HOUR LEFT.
WE'LL GIVE HER MORE RAUNCH
THAN SHE EVER DREAMED OF.
PUMP UP THE VOLUME,
AND CALL ME KITTY.
OKAY.
WE'RE BACK, SEATTLE
AND IN ACCORDANCE
WITH NEW STATION POLICY
WE ARE GOING TO BE PANDERING
TO THE LOWEST HUMAN INSTINCT...
IN OTHER WORDS, WHO
WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEX?
SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX, SEX!
( whip snapping)
YAH!
I WANT TO KNOW WHO'S HAVING SEX
HOW YOU'RE HAVING IT!
I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU'RE
HAVING IT RIGHT NOW!
LOOK, DR. CRANE,
THE LINES ARE HOT...
REALLY HOT!
THANK YOU, KITTY.
HELLO, CALLER.
WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
Woman: Nothing. I'm naked.
HEY, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA!
LET'S ALL GET NAKED!
HEY, I'M GETTING
NAKED RIGHT NOW!
WHILE DR. CRANE STRIPS
OUR NEW STATION MANAGER
WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
IF YOU PREFER TO BE THE
SPANKER OR THE SPANKEE.
Oh, definitely the spanker.
WELL, THEN, HOP IN A CAB!
I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTS.
WHOO!
While Roz laces up
her leather bustier
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
KACL. All talk,
night, all naked!
EXPLAIN.
AS GEORGE BERNARD
SHAW ONCE SAID:
"THERE ARE TWO
TRAGEDIES IN LIFE...
"ONE IS NOT GETTING
WHAT WE WANT.
THE OTHER IS GETTING IT."
YOU KNOW FULL WELL
THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED.
YOU DID THIS TO VEX ME.
AND YOU SUCCEEDED.
AND IT WAS NOT SHAW.
IT WAS OSCAR WILDE.
DID YOU EVER OPEN
A BOOK AT HARVARD?
YOU KNOW, ONE OF THESE DAYS,
YOU'RE GOING TO MISQUOTE SOMEONE
AND I'M GOING TO LAND ON
YOU LIKE A SUMO WRESTLER.
ALL I WANTED... ALL I WANTED
WAS A LOUSY LITTLE THEME SHOW
ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK.
YEAH. "FRASIER CRANE
TAKES A LEERING
LOOK AT INFIDELITY."
NO, NOT A LEERING LOOK.
JUST A GOOD LOOK AT
THE PAIN OF INFIDELITY
AT WHAT IT DOES TO FAMILIES,
WHAT IT DOES TO CHILDREN
AT WHAT IT DOES TO
THE FABRIC OF SOCIETY
AND THIS IS JUST OFF
THE TOP OF MY HEAD.
BUT NO. YOU ARE SUCH
AN ARROGANT GASBAG
SO USED TO BEING COCK
OF THE WALK AROUND HERE
THAT YOU CAN'T STAND
STILL FOR ONE MINUTE
AND LISTEN TO A PERFECTLY
VALID SUGGESTION
FROM SOMEBODY ELSE.
AND YOU ARE SUCH
A SMUG EGOMANIAC
THAT YOUR ENTIRE SELF-IMAGE
WOULD SHATTER
LIKE A CHEAP MIRROR
IF YOU EVER HAD TO ADMIT
THAT YOU HAD MADE A MISTAKE.
WHAT A CLASSIC CASE
OF NEUROTIC NARCISSISM, AND
A FIRST-CLASS SMARTY-PANTS!
YOU CAN GO AHEAD
AND FIRE ME NOW.
YES. I COULD DO THAT. YES.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
DID YOU LISTEN TO
THE WHOLE TAPE?
OH, YEAH, BUT UNLIKE YOU
I PUT WHAT'S GOOD
FOR THE STATION
ABOVE MY PERSONAL FEELINGS.
WELL, THAT'S, THAT'S
AWFULLY BIG OF YOU.
I GUESS THAT
MEANS I'LL BE MOVING
BACK TO MY OLD TIME SLOT.
GUESS AGAIN, CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT.
IF I GIVE YOU BACK
YOUR OLD TIME SLOT
WITHOUT YOUR MAKING A
SINGLE CONCESSION TO ME
THAT WOULD COMPLETELY
UNDERMINE MY AUTHORITY.
BEING A CRACK SHRINK, SURELY
THAT'S WITHIN YOUR GRASP.
GRASP THIS: IF I DON'T GET
MY OLD TIME SLOT, I QUIT.
GRASP THIS: YOU
DO, AND I'LL SUE YOU
FOR BREACH OF CONTRACT.
OKAY, THEN IT'S A STALEMATE
AND IF WE DON'T WANT
TO REMAIN ENTRENCHED
IN THESE POSITIONS FOREVER
ONE OF US HAD BETTER
THINK OF SOMETHING.
YES, ONE OF US BETTER.
I'VE GOT IT!
DAMN!
SO, WE'RE TOGETHER, RIGHT?
ABSOLUTELY.
WE'RE NOT LETTING HER
PUSH US AROUND ANY LONGER.
NOPE. YOU DO THE TALKING.
I'LL STAND BEHIND YOU AND
BURN HOLES THROUGH HER
WITH MY "YOU CALL THIS A
HOLLANDAISE SAUCE?" GLARE.
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY.
I LIKE THEME SHOWS,
AND I'M GOING TO DO THEM
STARTING WITH "FRASIER
CRANE TAKES A LOOK
AT THE CONSEQUENCES
OF INFIDELITY."
YOU DO, AND YOU'LL
START THAT SHOW
WITH CLASSICAL MUSIC.
BARTOK'S "CONCERTO IN 'C.'"
I DON'T CARE HOW
MUCH YOU HATE IT.
DAMN YOU!
IT'S MY WAY, OR NO WAY.
YOU WIN. BARTOK IT IS.
WHAT DO YOU TWO WANT?
NOTHING.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]
[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]