Frasier (1993–2004): Season 3, Episode 2 - Shrink Rap - full transcript

YOU TRY AND TRY

BUT AT SOME POINT YOU
FINALLY HAVE TO ADMIT

AS MUCH AS YOU CARE
ABOUT EACH OTHER

YOUR RELATIONSHIP ISN'T WORKING
AND HASN'T BEEN FOR SOME TIME.

BUT YOU TWO WOULDN'T
BE SITTING HERE WITH ME

IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO
SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP.

ISN'T THAT TRUE?

WELL, I'M WILLING TO TRY.

I CAN'T SPEAK FOR...

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SPEAK FOR ME, NILES.

I'M PERFECTLY CAPABLE



OF SPEAKING FOR MYSELF.

YES, I KNOW... CARUSO WASN'T SO

IN LOVE WITH THE
SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU TELL ME, ENRICO...

I GUESS I CAN TELL YOU...

( both bickering)

Doctor: GENTLEMEN!

NOW, ARE WE AGREED THAT
WE WANT TO DO SOMETHING

TO FIX THIS PROBLEM?

IF IT'S FIXABLE, I SUPPOSE.

ALL RIGHT?

YES.

NOW, ONE OF YOU TELL
ME HOW THIS STARTED.



Frasier: WELL, IT BEGAN WITH ME.

IT WAS LAST WEEK.

I WAS AT WORK,
DOING MY RADIO SHOW.

I WAS ON THE AIR WITH A
TROUBLED YOUNG WOMAN.

SHE'D JUST STARTED TELLING
ME ABOUT A RECURRING DREAM

SHE'D HAD SINCE CHILDHOOD.

Okay, I'm in my bedroom.

I've just gotten out of
the bathtub to get dressed.

When I open the closet,
all my clothes are gone.

Suddenly I hear footsteps
on the dry leaves outside.

I turn, and
there's a little girl

with her nose pressed
up against the window.

FASCINATING.

Her breath is fogging

up the glass, so I
can't make out her face.

Only I'm sure she's come

to tell me something important.

A GIRL ON THE OTHER
SIDE OF THE GLASS

WITH AN URGENT MESSAGE

BUT FOR SOME REASON
YOU'RE UNABLE OR UNWILLING

TO RECEIVE IT.

DR. CRANE, I HATE TO INTERRUPT,
BUT YOU'RE ALL OUT OF TIME

FOR TODAY.

OH, DEAR. LISTEN, JILL,
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY

BUT I'D LIKE TO CONTINUE
TALKING WITH YOU

WHEN WE'RE OFF THE AIR,
SO PLEASE DON'T HANG UP.

MEANTIME, LISTENERS, I'VE
ENJOYED OUR TIME TODAY.

TUNE IN TOMORROW

WHEN WE'LL BE TALKING WITH...

BLAH, BLAH, FRASIER CRANE SHOW.

HAPPY HEALTH. GOODBYE.

YO, JILL.

YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?

Not really.

THEN BEAT IT.

ALL RIGHT,

LET'S TALK WOMEN'S GOLF.

SOMETIMES I HATE THIS JOB.

NOT ONLY DO I HAVE TO PUT UP

WITH THAT ANNOYING
LITTLE SWEAT SOCK

BUT WHEN A CALLER
HAS A TRUE PROBLEM

I CAN BARELY
SCRATCH THE SURFACE.

IT MAKES ME WANT TO RUN
BACK TO PRIVATE PRACTICE.

I CAN IMAGINE IT'S FRUSTRATING.

THIS SHOW'S GOT TO BE
CONSTRAINING FOR A MAN

OF YOUR STAGGERING INTELLECT.

Niles: HOLD IT! STOP!

YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE

THAT ROZ ACTUALLY USED A
PHRASE LIKE "STAGGERING INTELLECT"?

IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

SO SHE MIGHT HAVE SAID YOUR
"BOUNDLESS BRILLIANCE," SAY

OR THE "OLYMPIAN
REACHES OF YOUR WISDOM..."

OH, NILES, DO SHUT UP.

YOU SHUT UP.

NO.

YOU SHUT UP.

YOU SHOULD SHUT UP.

YOU ALWAYS TELL ME TO SHUT UP.

IT'S TIME YOU DID.

SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

STOP IT! YOU JUST GO...

GENTLEMEN! IT'S NOT IMPORTANT

EXACTLY WHAT WAS SAID.

NO. WHAT IS IMPORTANT
IS THAT, AS USUAL

HE ASSUMES IT ALL
REVOLVES AROUND HIM.

IT STARTED SEVERAL DAYS
BEFORE THAT, WITH ME.

I'D BEEN HAVING TROUBLE
WITH THE PSYCHIATRIST

IN THE OFFICE NEXT DOOR.

HIS UNCONVENTIONAL
THERAPY WAS INTRUDING

UPON MY SESSIONS.

MRS. KELLY, THE KEY
HERE IS THAT YOU TRUST ME.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE

YOU HAVE NO REASON TO
FEEL ANYTHING BUT SAFE.

( woman's piercing scream)

YOU MUST... YOU
MUST THINK OF THIS

AS YOUR REFUGE, YOUR SANCTUARY.

( man's piercing scream)

NOW, I'M NOT SAYING THAT
BEING THE SOLE SURVIVOR

OF A PLANE CRASH WASN'T
A TRAUMATIZING EXPERIENCE

BUT I CAN GET YOU

TO A POINT WHERE THE
MEMORIES NO LONGER HAUNT YOU.

( several people screaming)

HIS PRIMAL SCREAM MADNESS
WAS RUINING MY PRACTICE.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING.

THE OPPORTUNITY
PRESENTED ITSELF THAT FRIDAY.

I'D COME TO
FRASIER'S FOR DINNER.

DAPHNE, MY FATHER'S
HEALTH CARE WORKER

WAS TELLING A DELIGHTFUL STORY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH

DEALING WITH A NOISY NEIGHBOR.

THERE WAS A COUPLE
LIVING NEXT TO ME IN LONDON

A MARRIED COUPLE, WHO MADE
THE MOST UNGODLY RACKET IN BED.

THE WALLS MUST HAVE
BEEN LIKE TISSUE PAPER.

I'D HEAR THE WHOLE
PERFORMANCE EVERY NIGHT.

FINALLY, I DECIDED THE ONLY
WAY TO GET THEM TO STOP

WAS TO LET THEM HEAR
WHAT I'D BEEN HEARING.

SO ONE NIGHT I MOVED NEAR
THE WALL AND I STARTED...

( moaning)

OH, YES.

OH, OH...

OH, DON'T STOP!

OH, THAT'S THE SPOT.

OH! DO IT AGAIN!

OH, YOU ARE THE BEASTMASTER.

OH, FOR HELL'S
SAKE, JUST TAKE ME

YOU DEVIL'S SPAWN SEX MONKEY.

YES, YES!

YES, YES, YES!

PROBLEM SOLVED.

I'M SORRY, DAPHNE, I DRIFTED.

WOULD YOU TELL THAT STORY AGAIN?

Frasier: HOLD IT! STOP!

YOU KNOW FULL WELL DAPHNE
MERELY TOLD US THAT STORY.

SHE DID NOT ACT IT OUT.

DIDN'T SHE?

NO!

JUST TELL THE STORY.

FINE.

IT WAS A FEW HOURS LATER.

WE WERE HAVING ESPRESSO
AND, PERHAPS TO COUNTERACT

THE STIMULANT EFFECT,
FRASIER WAS TELLING US

ABOUT HIS DAY.

I CAN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT MY LAST CALLER TODAY.

A FASCINATING YOUNG WOMAN

HAD A RECURRING DREAM.

YOU KNOW WHO'S

A HELL OF A DREAMER?

EDDIE.

THIS ONE NIGHT, I WAKE UP.

HE'S LYING ON MY
FOREHEAD, DEAD ASLEEP

WITH A BIG CLUMP OF MY
HAIR IN HIS MOUTH, GROWLING.

BET YOU'D LOVE TO ANALYZE

THAT LITTLE BRAIN OF HIS.

YES, THAT WOULD BE
THE JEWEL IN THE CROWN

OF MY CAREER.

STILL, THINKING ABOUT THIS WOMAN

HAS STARTED ME LONGING
FOR PRIVATE PRACTICE.

I GUESS I JUST MISS

THE CHANCE TO DIG
DEEP WITH MY PATIENTS.

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED

SEEING PATIENTS ON THE SIDE?

YES, OF COURSE.

I'VE GOT A LIST

OF PEOPLE INTERESTED.

FRASIER, I HAVE A PROPOSITION.

I MENTIONED THAT DOCTOR
IN THE OFFICE NEXT DOOR?

WELL, HIS LEASE IS UP.

IF YOU WERE
INTERESTED IN HIS OFFICE

AS HIS LANDLORD

I COULD TELL HIM AND
HIS SCREAMING MEEMIES

TO HIT THE ROAD.

YOU...

MM.

AND I...

MM-HMM.

WORKING SIDE BY SIDE.

MM-HMM.

I DON'T MIND TELLING YOU THE
PROSPECT SOUNDS QUITE EXCITING.

WE COULD CONSULT ON
EACH OTHER'S PATIENTS.

WE COULD GIVE SEMINARS TOGETHER.

Niles: EVEN THERAPY GROUPS.

CRANE AND CRANE!

I CAN SEE OUR LOGO ALREADY.

A GIANT CRANE, HOVERING
ABOVE A HUMAN HEAD.

WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
WHY IS DAD LAUGHING?

YOU TWO, YOU'LL NEVER LEARN.

OH, YOU THINK
THIS IS A BAD IDEA?

THE RESTAURANT YOU
BOUGHT TOGETHER...

THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

THE BOOK YOU TRIED
TO WRITE TOGETHER...

THAT WAS A BAD IDEA.

THIS...

NO, THAT RESTAURANT
WAS STILL THE STUPIDEST.

TWO LITTLE MISADVENTURES
AND YOU DOOM US TO FAILURE.

OH, BALONEY.

YOU'VE BEEN LIKE THIS
SINCE YOU WERE KIDS.

YOU CAN'T WORK TOGETHER.

MAYBE DAD'S RIGHT.

IF WE'RE NOT READY, IT
COULD LEAD TO TENSION.

Frasier: HOLD IT!

NILES, TELL THE TRUTH.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

STOP RAINING ON OUR PARADE, DAD.

TO CRANE AND CRANE!

Frasier: OUR FIRST DAY
BEGAN INNOCENTLY.

GOOD MORNING, DR. CRANE.

AND TO YOU, DR. CRANE.

NILES, WHY SHOULD
WE BE SO FORMAL?

THERE'S NOBODY AROUND.

IT'S A HIGH FIVE, NILES.

OH, OH, SORRY.

OH.

UH, COFFEE?

OH, YES, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

OH, NILES, I CAN'T TELL YOU

HOW MUCH I'VE MISSED

THAT SMELL OF
THE OFFICE PLACE...

FRESHLY OILED LEATHER COUCHES

THE PUNGENT COFFEE, THE AROMA
OF AN EXOTIC LUNCHEON SPECIAL

WAFTING UP FROM
THE CAFETERIA BELOW.

THAT'S THE LAB NEXT DOOR.

THEY LOST POWER LAST NIGHT

AND THEIR TISSUE SAMPLES TURNED.

BY THE WAY, I'VE PUT TOGETHER
SOME RECENT ARTICLES

YOU MAY WANT TO PERUSE
JUST TO GET UP TO SPEED.

UP TO SPEED?

WELL, IT HAS BEEN A WHILE
SINCE YOU'VE PRACTICED

AND WE COULD ALL USE

A LITTLE BRUSHING UP.

WELL, THAT'S VERY
CONSIDERATE OF YOU.

JUST PUT MY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT

IN MY BOX THERE.

AS YOU WISH.

ALL RIGHT

WHERE SHALL WE PUT THIS, THEN?

THE ONLY PLACE IT
SHOULD GO, ACTUALLY

IS RIGHT HERE BY THE COUCH.

NO. ON THE DESK WILL PICK UP

THE EARTH TONES IN THE CARPET.

THERE IS THIS DEAD SPACE

HERE BY THE COFFEE STATION.

UNDERNEATH THE HEATING VENT?

WHY NOT GIVE IT A
BLINDFOLD AND CIGARETTE?

IT IS YOUR OFFICE.

I MEAN, PUT IT WHERE YOU LIKE.

IT IS YOUR PLANT.

AND IT'S MY BLEEDING BACK

SO I'M PUTTING IT RIGHT HERE.

HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU PUT UP WITH HIM.

Niles: LIAR! LIAR!

DAPHNE NEVER SAID THAT.

SHE SAID IT WITH BODY LANGUAGE.

I HAPPEN TO BE FLUENT
IN THAT LANGUAGE

AND SHE SAID
NOTHING OF THE KIND.

COULD SOMEONE TELL ME

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT THIS PLANT?

YOU'LL KNOW SOON.

I'M TELLING THE
REST OF THE STORY.

I'M PUTTING IT RIGHT HERE.

YOU KNOW THE BEST
THING ABOUT GETTING OLD?

YOUR HAIR MAY TURN GRAY,
YOUR JOINTS MAY STIFFEN

YOU MAY EVEN HAVE
TO WALK WITH A CANE

BUT PEOPLE STILL ASK
YOU TO HELP THEM MOVE.

FORGIVE ME FOR
OVERBURDENING YOU, DAD.

COULD YOU PUT
THOSE IN MY OFFICE?

OH, LOOK AT YOUR TWO
NAMES TOGETHER ON THE DOOR.

DR. CRANE, IS YOUR BROTHER'S
NAME SMALLER THAN YOURS?

YES. THAT'S THE ONLY
WAY IT WOULD FIT.

I ASSUMED YOU WOULDN'T MIND.

AFTER ALL, WE'RE CONCERNED
WITH HEALING PEOPLE.

OF COURSE, NILES.

IF I WERE INTERESTED
IN SELF-PROMOTION

I GUESS I'D BE CONTENT
WITH MY RADIO SHOW...

HEARD EVERY DAY BY OVER
HALF A MILLION LISTENERS

IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

AND PARTS OF CANADA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M MOVING THE SCHEFFLERA.

I LIKED IT WHERE IT WAS.

IT WANTS LIGHT.

YOU TWO TEND TO YOUR PLANT.

I'LL GO FETCH THE FILE CABINET.

I HAVE HAD THIS
PLANT FOR TWO YEARS

AND IT'S NEVER BEEN
IN DIRECT SUNLIGHT.

OBVIOUSLY. THE
LEAVES ARE PUCKERING.

THEY'RE WILTED
FROM THE RIDE OVER

IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR.

OH, NONSENSE. MAFIA
SNITCHES EMERGE

FROM CAR TRUNKS
LOOKING MORE ROBUST.

THIS PLANT IS GOING...

AND SO IT BEGINS.

Niles: OF COURSE, THE
INCIDENT WITH THE PLANT

WAS ONLY THE BEGINNING.

THAT WAS FOLLOWED BY A
RUN-IN AT THE RECEPTIONIST'S DESK

A ROW AT THE COFFEE MACHINE

AND A CONTRETEMPS WHEN
FRASIER LOST THE MEN'S ROOM KEY.

THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

YES, IT VERY NEARLY WAS.

I AM SO TIRED OF
YOUR EXAGGERATION.

YOU ALWAYS MAKE THINGS 50,000
TIMES WORSE THAN THEY ARE.

I'M GOING TO TELL THE
STORY FROM NOW ON.

THE POINT IS, OUR NERVES
WERE, WELL, PRETTY MUCH SHOT

BY THE TIME WE CONDUCTED

OUR FIRST THERAPY
GROUP TOGETHER.

FIRST OFF, I HAVE

A COLLEAGUE TO INTRODUCE.

HE IS NOT ONLY AN
ESTEEMED PSYCHIATRIST

HE HAPPENS TO BE MY
BROTHER, DR. FRASIER CRANE

AFTERNOON, EVERYONE.

WOW. YOU'RE DR. CRANE

FROM THE RADIO.

GUILTY AS CHARGED.

YES, BUT WE ALL HAVE TO
REMIND DR. CRANE THIS IS

REAL PSYCHIATRY, NOT THE RADIO.

NO HANGING UP ON
THE HARD ONES HERE.

BUT REST ASSURED

I AM TRAINED TO DEAL WITH
A FULL RANGE OF ISSUES...

EVERYTHING FROM
ENVY TO JEALOUSY.

BUT, UH... I'LL JUST
BE OBSERVING TODAY.

I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH

TO RENDER ANY OPINIONS YET.

SO JUST PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.

AND GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

MRS. KALISH, PERHAPS YOU COULD

BRING US UP TO DATE

ON HOW YOU'RE DEALING
WITH YOUR DIVORCE.

THIS IS WEEK TWO, ISN'T IT?

YES.

WELL...

I ACTUALLY HAD MY
FIRST DATE LAST NIGHT.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

HMM.

DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

I DON'T THINK SO.

IT SOUNDED LIKE "HMM".

LIKE YOU DISAPPROVED.

WELL, SINCE YOU ASKED...

I THINK IN DIVORCE
WE HAVE, UH...

THE PAINFUL FEELINGS

WHICH ARE, NEVERTHELESS,
HEALTHY FEELINGS.

WE START TO DATE TOO QUICKLY.

WE WANT TO BE SURE THAT
THAT'S NOT A PANACEA FOR THE PAIN.

YOU'LL ALL FIND MY
BROTHER IS QUITE DEFT

WITH THOSE PEPPY
LITTLE BROMIDES.

"PANACEA FOR THE PAIN."

ONE CAN ALMOST HEAR THE PHRASE

"WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THESE WORDS FROM PRINGLES."

YOU DON'T WANT TO WAIT TOO
LONG BEFORE YOU DATE, EITHER.

I WAITED FIVE YEARS. BY THEN

I WAS SO DESPERATE

I STAYED WITH THE FIRST
WOMAN WHO CAME ALONG.

SHE ENDED UP BEING

THE SAME CONTROLLING ICE
PRINCESS AS MY FIRST WIFE.

HMM.

MR. CARR, THERE ARE MANY...

HOLD ON, DR. CRANE.

IT SOUNDED LIKE YOUR BROTHER

SAID SOMETHING AGAIN.

WELL, SINCE YOU'VE ASKED...

IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT
BY WAITING FOR FIVE YEARS

AND BECOMING, AS
YOU SAID, DESPERATE

THAT PERHAPS YOU WERE
REALLY GIVING YOURSELF LICENSE

TO PURSUE A WOMAN

WHO REMINDED YOU
OF YOUR FIRST WIFE.

YOU HAD TO REPEAT THE PATTERN.

THEN YOU'RE SAYING
IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT?

WE HAVE AN EXPRESSION
IN PSYCHIATRY...

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS.

NOW LET'S CHECK IN
WITH NEWS AND TRAFFIC.

DR. CRANE, ARE YOU DENYING

THAT MOST ACCIDENTS
HAPPEN FOR A REASON?

NO, DR. CRANE. I
BELIEVE THEY DO.

I'M REMINDED OF A
RECENT ACCIDENT

INVOLVING A FOUR-INCH
WOODEN BLOCK

ATTACHED TO A MEN'S ROOM KEY

WHICH WALKED OFF IN
SOMEBODY'S POCKET.

OBVIOUSLY AN ACT OF
HOSTILITY, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

CERTAINLY A WELL-DESERVED ONE

CONSIDERING WHAT AN INSUFFERABLE
PRIG SOMEONE HAS BEEN TODAY!

YOU DARE CALL ME A
PRIG AFTER I RESCUED YOU

FROM THAT SIDESHOW
YOU CALL A RADIO PROGRAM?

ONE MORE CRACK ABOUT MY SHOW

AND I'LL PUT THAT WOODEN
BLOCK IN A PLACE YOU'LL ALWAYS

BE ABLE TO FIND IT.

GROUP, TAKE FIVE MINUTES
OF QUIET INTROSPECTION.

FRASIER, I HAVE MADE A FIST

AND I'M THINKING OF USING IT.

YOU ARE NOT SCARING ME...

THE THUMB GOES ON
THE OUTSIDE, NILES.

ON THE OUTSIDE!

HOW DARE YOU TRY

TO STEAL MY GROUP!

I DON'T NEED YOUR GROUP!

I GOT MY OWN GROUP...
HALF A MILLION STRONG.

YES, YOUR LEGIONS.

WHY DON'T YOU RENT A FARM

PASS OUT BODY PAINT,
AND CALL IT FRASIERSTOCK.

I'M JUST A LITTLE TIRED OF
YOUR CONDESCENDING ATTITUDE.

YOU HAVE NOT MISSED
ONE OPPORTUNITY

TO RUN DOWN MY SHOW

OR GRAB A BOOK TO
HELP ME GET UP TO SPEED.

YOU'RE SUCH A BRILLIANT HEALER

YOU'RE CARING FOR MY SCHEFFLERA.

YOU WERE STARVING
IT OF SUNLIGHT!

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

LET'S JUST GIVE THE LITTLE
DEAR ALL THE SUNLIGHT IT NEEDS!

ARE YOU INSANE?!

IF I WERE, DOCTOR,
YOU'D NEVER KNOW IT!

OH!

YOU..!

( both shouting)

YOU HAVE NO INSIGHT WHATSOEVER!

EVIL, MANIACAL,
SELF-IMPORTANT...

YOU DON'T CARE
ABOUT ANY PERSON...

IS THAT MY GROUP?

GROUP?

GROUP, COME BACK, GROUP.

I'M VERY PROUD OF THIS
SHOW OF INDEPENDENCE.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY.

IF I WERE, DOCTOR,
YOU'D NEVER KNOW IT!

STOP SAYING THAT!

I WILL NOT!

( shouting)

DR. CRANE.

DR. CRANE!

HELLO, DR. SCHACHTER.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M HAVING A DISCUSSION
WITH MY BROTHER.

I CAN HEAR IT ACROSS
THE HALL IN MY OFFICE.

HE WALTZED IN HERE

LIKE THE BELLE OF THE BALL...

OH, I'VE SEEN YOU
DANCING ALL OVER...

WHOA. NOW, LOOK

YOU TWO ARE OBVIOUSLY
IN SOME DISTRESS.

AS YOU KNOW

I AM A SPECIALIST

IN COUPLES THERAPY.

I'VE NEVER TREATED
BROTHERS BEFORE

BUT STILL, YOU CAN
STEP INTO MY OFFICE.

I'M SURE I CAN HELP YOU.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

I NEVER SAID I'M
SURE I CAN HELP YOU.

I SAID I MAY BE
ABLE TO HELP YOU.

YOU SEE HOW HE
TWISTS YOUR WORDS?

IT'S RIGHT HERE, BUDDY BOY.

Schachter: ENOUGH!

YOU ARE DOCTORS!

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING

LIKE THIS IN MY LIFE.

YOU THINK HE'S
STEALING YOUR PATIENTS

YOU THINK HE'S UNDERMINING
YOU AS A PSYCHIATRIST

BUT YOU MUST KNOW WHAT

IS AT THE ROOT OF THIS PROBLEM.

HE IS! HE IS!

NO!

YOU HAVE A FUNDAMENTAL
LACK OF TRUST.

IT MAY BE SO DEEPLY
ROOTED BY NOW

THAT IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE

BUT THERE ARE CERTAIN
EXERCISES THAT WE COULD TRY

PROVIDED YOU TWO ARE WILLING.

WELL, I SUPPOSE
IF HE'S WILLING...

WELL, MAYBE.

LET'S START WITH THE MOST BASIC

TRUST EXERCISE THERE IS.

NOW, ONE OF YOU SIMPLY
STANDS ON THIS FOOTSTOOL

AND FALLS BACKWARDS INTO
YOUR BROTHER'S WAITING ARMS

THUS DEMONSTRATING

THAT WE CAN TRUST EACH OTHER.

DR. CRANE, WHY
DON'T YOU GO FIRST.

WELL, ALL RIGHT.

JUST GET UP THERE
AND LET YOURSELF GO.

ALL RIGHT.

IS HE STANDING
DIRECTLY BEHIND ME?

YES.

NOW, TRUST YOUR BROTHER.

I'D FEEL BETTER

IF HE WERE WEARING RUBBER SOLES.

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE,
NILES, JUST GET DOWN.

I'LL GO FIRST, ALL RIGHT?

GEEZ.

IS HE IN POSITION?

YES!

TRUST HIM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW
HE CATCHES LIKE A GIRL.

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

GET DOWN, WILL YOU.

THIS COULDN'T BE EASIER.

I GET UP HERE, I COUNT TO THREE

AND YOU CATCH ME...

ONE, TWO, THREE.

( grunts)

WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH HIM?

YOU WERE CLOSER.

IT WAS YOUR TURN!

IT WAS MY TURN!

THAT IS IT!

THAT IS IT.

IN 30 YEARS AS A
COUPLES THERAPIST

I'VE NEVER SAID WHAT
I'M ABOUT TO SAY...

GIVE UP!

IT'S HOPELESS!

YOU ARE PATHOLOGICALLY
MISTRUSTFUL OF EACH OTHER.

COMPETITIVE TO THE
POINT OF MADNESS!

SO TRUST ME...

JUST MEET EACH OTHER
AT WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS

AND THE REST OF THE TIME

STAY THE HELL AWAY
FROM EACH OTHER.

AND NOW I AM GOING TO
LIMP TO THE NEAREST PUB

AND DRINK UNTIL THE REST
OF ME IS AS NUMB AS MY ASS.

WELL...

THAT'S QUITE A DIAGNOSIS.

YES.

BUT THERE'S NO DENYING IT...

WE ARE VINDICTIVE
AND COMPETITIVE.

PETTY, MISTRUSTFUL.

AND AS SO OFTEN IN THESE CASES

IT TOOK SOMEONE OUTSIDE
OUR SITUATION TO POINT IT OUT.

WELL, DAD ALWAYS SAID IT,
BUT HE HAS NO CREDENTIALS.

WELL, THERE'S NO ARGUING WITH
DR. SCHACHTER'S CREDENTIALS.

MY GOD, THE MAN IS
AN EXPERT IN HIS FIELD.

GRADUATED FROM
THE UNIVERSITY OF...

GRENADA.

WELL, SURELY THAT WAS JUST
HIS UNDERGRADUATE SCHOOLING.

OH, YES, OF COURSE.

HIS GRADUATE WORK WAS DONE IN...

ARUBA.

AN ALL-CARIBBEAN SCHOOLING.

WELL, TALLY ME BANANA.

I KNEW THE MAN WAS A FRAUD
THE MINUTE HE OPENED HIS MOUTH.

I'LL HAVE HIM OUT OF HIS LEASE

AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

WE'VE GOT TIME TO
CATCH A LATE LUNCH.

PERISSE IS NEARBY.

AWAY WE GO.

CHEZ SHEA IS JUST AS CLOSE.

YES, BUT PERISSE IS BETTER.

OH, NONSENSE.

COMPARED TO CHEZ
SHEA, IT'S SLOP FOR PIGS.

OH, HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?

[CAPTIONING SPONSORED BY
PARAMOUNT TELEVISION, NBC]

[CAPTIONED BY THE CAPTION CENTER
WGBH EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION]