Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 24 - Dark Victory - full transcript

Well, Caroline, if you've
been in therapy for two years,

and you feel like you're no
longer making any progress,

perhaps you've
reached a plateau,

or you and your therapist

have simply gone as
far as you can together.

CAROLINE ( on phone):
Maybe it is time for a change.

He's kind of dry
and long-winded.

Well, two years is certainly
a long time to spend

with a psychiatrist you
find dry and long-winded.

Amen to that!

CAROLINE: Thanks, Dr. Crane.



You've given me
a lot to think about.

Would it be okay

if I called back sometime
and picked your brains?

Well, just consider
me your mental banjo.

Well, that's it for this
fine Friday, Seattle.

This is Frasier Crane saying,
we'll see you next week.

Good show, Frasier.

Oh, Roz,

I've been waiting for this
moment for an entire week.

Ahh.

Ohh!

That's what I love
about you, Frasier.

You work hard and you play hard.

Yeah, well, oh, Roz, you
have no idea how much



I'm looking forward
to this weekend.

You know, there comes a time

when even the most
conscientious of psychiatrists

has had his fill of other
people's problems.

Hi. Is one of you Roz Doyle?

Yes. That's all the clues
we're going to give you.

A little offering from
one of your suitors,

perhaps, eh?

Yeah.

A nice string of pearls?
A teardrop pendant?

It's a brick of cheese!

Well, on the right chain, I
can see that looking smart.

Well, it's from my family.

They're in Wisconsin
at my uncle's dairy farm,

having a family reunion.

Oh, why didn't you go, Roz?

Oh, there wasn't time.

But now I wish I'd gone.

Frasier, we always
have so much fun.

Like this one time there
was this huge cheese platter,

and one of my uncles started
speaking in cheese language.

You know, like instead of
saying, "Hello. How are you?"

He'd say, "Hello, Havarti?"

( laughing)

Someone else would
go, "Oh, I'm Gouda."

Oh, I don't know, what
would come after that?

Well, if I'd been there,
the sound of a gunshot!

Don't make fun.

I miss those people.

Oh, Roz! Oh...

There, there.

( crying): We play
games and sing songs.

Oh, of course. I know.

And Aunt Libby does
cannonballs into the lake.

Oh, yes, the memories must be...

And Uncle Ned has
too much to drink,

and he starts putting
pants on all the cows!

Oh...

Listen, Roz, look, if
what you're looking for

is family fun tonight, why
don't you come to my place?

It's my dad's birthday.

I completely forgot
about it last year.

I'm going to make
up for it this year.

There's just one rule:
no work, just a good time.

Frasier, I don't
think I'd be much fun.

Roz, I insist.

There's no one I enjoy
partying with more than you,

and I just hate to
see you like this.

I... I Camembert it!

Aw...

How sweet! Aw...

( crying)

( door opening)

( chuckling): All right!

It's someone's birthday!

I hope you're all in
the mood for a party.

I know I am!

DAPHNE: You're
bloody impossible!

MARTIN: And you're a bloody nag!

DAPHNE: Don't you
shake that cane at me!

MARTIN: Quack,
quack, quack... hey!

Oh, for heaven's
sake, not again!

Just decided what I want
for my birthday: fire Daphne!

You'll have to rehire
me first, because I quit!

I hope I never see this place

or that hateful old
canker sore ever again!

Okay, what is it this time?

The usual.

I ask him to do his exercises,

and he twists his face up
like a mewling little baby!

Why don't you tell him
how you asked me to do it...

By pouring my beer down the sink

and banging on the spaghetti
pot with a wooden spoon!

I'm here for your health. I
don't have to be your friend.

Well, that's good, because
I've got a friend right here

who doesn't happen
to be a yammering nag!

Eddie, fetch.

Oh, stop this!

You two are having the
same argument all the time.

You can just pick this
up again tomorrow.

Tonight we are
going to have a party.

Dad, I went down to Emilio's.
I got your favorite lemon cake.

You see, I also got some snacks

and some champagne.

Can we all just agree to try to
have a little fun this evening?

( doorbell rings)

Oh, now, that is probably Roz.

She's been very down this
week and what she's in need of

is a very happy and
carefree environment.

Frankly, I could
use the same thing!

Now, can you just
agree to maybe a truce?

Yeah, well, if he can keep his...
If she keeps her big mouth shut.

Roz! Hello.

Hi, Frasier.

Hey, Martin. Hey, Roz.

Happy birthday!

Oh, you didn't have to do this!

Hey! Thanks, Roz.

I'll have to model
it for you later.

He's already modeling the
last one someone gave him.

MARTIN: Quack! ( doorbell rings)

Listen, I have a very
nice evening planned.

Can we all just try to be civil?

You unprincipled charlatan!

You unconscionable fraud!

Happy birthday, Dad.

Thanks.

Niles, what are
you talking about?

You spoke to a patient
of mine today, Caroline.

As a result of your

fast-food approach to
psychiatry, she left me!

Caroline was your patient? I...

Two years of my hard work

wiped out by one of your
two-minute McSessions!

Niles, I merely suggested
that she consider a change.

Based on what diagnostic
method? One potato, two potato?

DAPHNE: Oh, fancy that!

A member of the Crane family

who doesn't take the
time to do something.

Quack!

Exactly, Dad.

Quack! Oh!

I was talking to her.

Don't you raise
your cane at her!

( all arguing and
talking over one another)

All right!

Roz, where are you going?

I-I think I'd better leave.

Oh, we were just talking.

That wasn't fighting.
We were talking.

I'd just really
rather be by myself.

Thanks, guys.

I had a wonderful time.

Well, I hope you're happy.

You've ruined her evening.

MARTIN: Her evening?

It's my birthday.

Right. Well, let's get
that underway right now.

Who's ready for cake?

I certainly don't want
to keep anybody here

a second longer
than they have to be,

so let's get this over with.

Thanks for a great party!

NILES: Well, there's nothing
wrong with Dad's lungs.

DAPHNE: Every
light in the city is out.

It must be a blackout!

FRASIER: Don't panic!

There's certainly worse places
we could all be in a blackout.

NILES: Like the elevator.

FRASIER ( gasps):
Oh, my God, Roz!

MARTIN: Why
couldn't it be Daphne?

( banging)

MARTIN: Stop doing that!

DAPHNE: We just need
to get some light in here.

MARTIN: Eddie, where are you?

DAPHNE: Oh,
excuse me, Dr. Crane.

NILES: Quite all right, Daphne.

FRASIER: Oh, Daphne,
where are the hurricane lamps?

DAPHNE: They're in
the kitchen. I'll get them.

FRASIER: All right. Dad,
why don't you light a fire?

DAPHNE: Oh,
excuse me, Dr. Crane.

NILES: Not your fault, Daphne.

MARTIN: Eddie,
where are you? Eddie!

( crash, muffled bark)

FRASIER: I found him!

( match striking)

Well, that's better.

I'm going go get my radio,
see what the hell's going on.

All right.

Oh, Roz! Roz, are you all right?

I'm fine. The blackout hit

just as the elevator doors
opened on the 14th floor.

So, I stood in the
hallway, trying to decide

( breathlessly): whether to, you
know, come up here with you guys

or take my chances in
the pitch-black streets

with the muggers
and the weirdos.

So, I went down
a couple of flights.

And then I changed my mind.

ROZ: Meanwhile,
somebody's probably looting

my apartment!

Yes, I hear there's a
thriving black market

in badly designed
Formica coffee tables.

At least I have my
own sense of style.

You won't even buy a chair

unless some fey
French aristocrat

has sat his fat
satin fanny in it!

Louis the 14th was not fey!

Everyone wore garters
in the 18th century!

If they were fey, they did.

He was a very big man!

Silence, enfants!

Now we can all sit here in
the dark and be miserable,

or we can try to have some fun.

I'm going to call Maris.

Well, Niles has voted.

Who votes for fun?

I'm going to go and
get a big glass of wine.

Well, it looks like

the steaks we were
going to have are out.

I'd better go and
see what I can find.

FRASIER: Thank you, Daphne.

( laughing): Oh!
Sorry, Dr. Crane.

Excuse me, Daphne.

The power outage
all over South Seattle,

they're working on it now.

Hello... Maris.
Thank God I got you.

Listen, darling, there
is no need to panic.

The most important
thing is to stay calm.

About the blackout.

NILES: Maris?

Take off your slumber mask.

Ooh! No, no,
darling, don't panic.

Honey, no, honey...
we're... honey...

H-Honey, ho-ho...

She's fine.

Oh, yum scrum pig's bum.

Here's something
nice... Half-gallon tubs

of cookies 'n cream
and vanilla fudge.

Mmm, well, let's take care of
these right away before they melt.

FRASIER: There's no
need to worry, ladies.

The freezer will keep them
cold for at least 24 hours.

Shut up! Shut up!

MARTIN: Well, I don't
like to get nostalgic,

but it was sure great last year
when you forgot my birthday!

You know what we
need to do? We need to

liven things up a little
bit. How about a game?

What was that-that
game we played

at the Vanderkelins
while they were costuming

the servants for the living
chess match? It was...

Oh, yes, I remember! It
was "I'm the dullest person."

Well, at least pick a game someone
else has a chance of winning.

Well, that's got
things shaking. Okay.

Come on, Dad. Come on.

The object of the game
is, we all get pennies,

and we're supposed to try to get

the other person's pennies.

Please, slow down.

All right, now, if I were
going to go, I would say,

I am the dullest
person because...

I have never been on a
roller coaster. All right?

And then all of you that
have been on a roller coaster

would give me a penny.
Now, then, all right,

we all have our pennies.

Who would like to go first?

Daphne?

I can't think Of course
of anything. you can.

Just say the first thing
that comes into your mind.

I'm the dullest
person because...

DAPHNE: Oh, I don't know.

Because I've never
made love in a lift

or a phone booth
or on an aeroplane

or a merry-go-round.

All right, well, that's good,

but strategically speaking,

that's not the best
way to get our pennies.

You see, it should be something

that someone
might have actually...

( penny clinking)

Done.

( three clinks)

I was in college.

I was trying to find myself.

All you needed to do is
look under the nearest man.

Oh!

All right, Dad, get our pennies.

All right.

I'm the dullest person because
I've never been to France.

That's good, Dad.
That's in the spirit of it.

All right, Niles, what's
something you've never done?

Well, let's see. I'm
the dullest person

because I've never
sabotaged my brother's career.

Will you give it a rest!

Oh, your father could
show you how to do that.

Quack, quack, quack!

( all arguing)

Will you people stop?!

You are torturing me!

I could report you to
Amnesty International!

MARTIN: That's
it, I'm out of here.

Oh, Dad, Dad, you haven't
even cut your cake yet.

Look, where are you going?

I'm going to sit in the
tub with a hairdryer

and wait for the
power to come back on!

Well, this blackout
could go on all night.

It's time I braved the streets
and got back to my Maris.

I just hope this isn't like the
lightning storm last month.

The only way I could coax
her out from under the bed

was by tying a Prozac
to the end of a string!

Roz?

You want to have a little cake?

No, thanks.

( sighs)

This reminds me of Wisconsin...

All dark and deserted.

That's on the
license plate, isn't it?

Roz,

what's the real reason you
didn't go to your reunion?

You've always made it before.

Well... no.

No, you said you
didn't want to hear

any more problems today,
and I don't blame you.

I-I think we have time
for one more caller.

Well...

every year I go to my reunion

and my relatives crowd around me

and I answer the same questions:

"No, I'm not married."

"No, I don't have any kids."

"Yes, I still have that tattoo."

"No, you can't see it."

It'd just be so nice

if I could at least say
I have a great career.

Roz, you do have a great career.

Tell that to my relatives.

You know, according to them,

I spend four hours on
the phone every day

with a bunch of
losers and wackos,

and then I turn them over
to some tedious know-it-all

who gives them pointless advice.

Mm.

Oh, that's not me talking,
that's my Uncle Ned.

Oh, yes, th-the cow haberdasher.

You know, Roz, ten years ago,

KACL didn't have
any women producers.

You're a pioneer.

You've won awards.

You help people.

Sounds right when you say it.

Mm-hmm.

Maybe you're just looking
for too much from your job.

You should start exploring
other areas of your life...

Interests, maybe a...

maybe a serious relationship.

Maybe you're right.

I mean, how long
can I go on chasing

these hunky 25-year-olds that
are all looks and no substance?

Exactly, Roz.

No, I'm serious. I'm asking,

how long? Three, four years?

( porcelain breaking)

DAPHNE: Oh, bloody hell!

Daphne,

you all right?

I broke your father's
souvenir spoon rest

from Atlantic City.

Oh, good.

You know, when I
have my own kitchen,

I'm going to put me spoons
right on the damn counter.

I've always said, as
soon as I save $2,000,

I'll get me own place.

Well, how much have you saved?

Four thousand.

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

What's wrong with me?

Why do I stay here?

No, I was just thinking I
must be paying you too much.

Me friends all say, "You
should be on your own,

have a place, have a life."

Why do I stay here?

Well, could it be
that maybe you...

you like us?

You know, my grandmother
used to have a cat,

a mangy old thing, kept
ruining the furniture and stuff.

I asked her why she
kept it and she said

that maybe it was
because she liked

having another heartbeat
around the house.

It just makes me feel
like I'm not very ambitious.

I mean, I could be working
in a hospital or a clinic.

Of course you could, Daphne,

but maybe that's not what's
important to you right now.

I think you like
being part of a family.

What's wrong with that?

Nothing, I suppose.

Although me friends wonder

how I can live with
such demanding men.

Oh, they call me demanding?

No. Actually, they call
you a pompous ass!

Oh.

But now you've
learned that I'm not.

No, I've learned
to work around it.

Excuse me. I'm getting a beer.

And yes, I know
it's not good for me.

And yes, I know it's
going to make me fat.

And yes, I know it'll keep
me from doing my exercises.

Do you have
anything to add to that?

Yes!

Happy birthday, you old sod!

They try to confuse
you on purpose.

Mmm!

Aah, room temperature!

Just like merry old England,

another place that I'll
probably never get to.

Dad, you used to talk
about going to Europe

when your hip improves.

Now you're saying
you'll never get there?

What's changed?

Nothing.

My hip's the same
as it was a year ago.

I had it in my head
it'd be better by now,

but I'm not, and I'm
probably never gonna be.

Ah, you don't understand.

You're happy just
sitting on your can,

doing your little radio
show, living inside your head,

but I'm used to being out there.

Eddie!

Listen, Dad...

you can still travel.

Well, you can.

If you can't walk
around Paris, you could...

sit at a nice café and
let Paris walk past you.

Maybe buy a glass of wine
for a beautiful mademoiselle.

Get yourself a nice
bottle of imported beer.

I only like Ballantines.

In Paris, Ballantines
is imported beer.

And you are

the handsome American

with the adorable accent.

They like mustaches
over there, don't they?

( panting)

19 floors down to my car!

Garage door's electric!

Can't open!

20 floors back up!

Lost count!

Bad lady upstairs!

Big dog!

Need place to die!

Same to you, buddy!

Who are you talking to?

Some rowdy guys downstairs.

Come on out here, Martin,
I want you to introduce us.

All right. Keep your pants on.

Here, Niles, let
me take your coat.

Oh... haven't you taken
enough from me today?

Oh, Niles, you're
being silly and irrational!

Sticks and stones.

You're acting just like dad.

You take that back!

You know, you're not
really mad at me, Niles.

You know, I didn't tell
that woman to leave you.

You know, I suggested
it as an option.

It was all her choice.

Could it be you're really
upset just because you...

you couldn't help
that woman, hmm?

You know, I really hate that.

When you take a simple criticism
and you turn it back on me.

Well, I think I'm right.

Well, of course you're right.

Why do you think I hate it?

( groans)

Do you have any idea

what I went through
trying to help that woman?

Yes, I think I do.

( groans)

Niles...

you're a perfectionist.

As faults go, that's not
such a bad one to have.

It just would have been nice
if I could have been the one

to tell her that it
was time to go.

Instead, she had to hear it

from some glib, albeit
insightful radio pundit.

MARTIN: All right!

Those rowdy guys downstairs
invited us to a blackout party.

They got cold beer!

ROZ: And Jarlsberg.

You know, it's funny. I was
feeling a bit down before,

but suddenly I'm
in a party mood.

What about our party?

There are people downstairs.

Yeah, they got barbecue!

Come on, Frasier.

No, no, no, thank you.

I'm not really in
the mood anymore.

Oh, don't be a party pooper!

Oh, let him be. He's
always been that way.

FRASIER: Excuse
me! Just a second.

Maybe it's time
for a little lesson

about what it's like to live

the life of this
particular party pooper.

I spend the whole damn week

ministering to the
troubled and the neurotic

and the sometimes
just plain goofy.

Then I hang up my earphones

and it doesn't end there.

Out on the street, at the
café, even in this building...

more people come up
for help... more problems.

I suppose they just think
it's okay... it's what I do...

But every time I
try to help them,

it costs me a little
piece of myself.

A little bit here,
a little bit there,

a little bit here,
a little bit there,

till I end up feeling like a...

a zebra carcass on the Serengeti
surrounded by burping vultures!

Well, this happened to
be one of those weeks.

I had my escape planned.

I was going to come
home for an evening of fun

with my extended family.

What do I get?

I get the four of you
going at each other

like the Borgias on a bad day!

So I roll up my sleeves
and I tend to each one of you

and you all feel better.

And the minute you
get a whiff of mesquite

coming from down below,

you are out the door

without so much as a thank you.

Well, thank you
for the invitation,

but I am frankly fed up with
people and their problems.

The doctor is out.

( everyone apologizing)

Okay, apologies accepted!

ROZ: Great. So you'll come?

No, no. Look, you...

I love you all, I
really do. It's just...

What I want is to be
left alone right here

where no one needs
anything from me.

Well, all right.

I'll bring you some barbecue.

Come downstairs. Come on.

FRASIER: Have fun.

ROZ: Oh, my God,
it's dark out here.

MARTIN: Okay.

( door shuts)

Oh, for God's sake, Eddie.

No, I'm not going to do it. No.

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Quite stylish.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed salads ♪

♪ And scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.