Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 23 - The Innkeepers - full transcript

And so, in the
opinion of this critic,

Mickey's Good Time
Tavern is anything but.

Dismal decor, perfunctory
service and cuisine

that's only marginally
preferable to hunger.

And finally, on a sadder note,

after 53 years in
the same location,

Orsini's is closing its doors.

And so, tonight a sad adieu

to the grande dame
of Seattle restaurants.

I thought he was the grande
dame of Seattle restaurants.

Until next time,
this is Gil Chesterton



saying, "Bon appetit, buon
appetito and nifty noshing."

Gil, why is Orsini's closing?

Well, the owner's getting
old. He wants to sell.

And just between us, I'm
afraid Orsini's is a bit like wine

that's stayed too
long in the cellar.

It retains only memories
of its former glory.

Not comping your check anymore?

Not for months now.

You know, Orsini's used
to be my favorite restaurant.

You ever been there, Roz?

Are you kidding?

My typical date's idea
of a gourmet evening

is takeout, make out,
and home by Letterman.

Knock, knock!



Hello, Niles. This is not
really a good time for a visit.

Show starts in two minutes.

Just enough time to show you
the John Steinbeck first edition

I bought at the rare book fair.

St. Katy the Virgin
in like-new condition.

Yes, well,

she'd have to be, wouldn't she?

It's quite a charming
book, really.

It's a shame more
people haven't read it.

Ooh, let's see.

Don't touch!

The smallest smudge
decreases its value.

Oh, Niles, guess what
thriving Seattle night spot

is closing its doors.

Roz, you're moving.

No, Niles.

Orsini's is closing.

Oh, it can't be.

It's part of Crane history.

Grandfather took me
there for my eighth birthday.

Thank you, Roz.

Childhood memories are so vivid.

Mm-hmm.

Wearing paper hats,

singing "Happy Birthday,"

sending back the
Veal Prince Orloff.

Thirty seconds, Frasier.

Thank you, Roz.

Niles, tonight
let's go to Orsini's

for one glorious
farewell dinner.

Why not? I'll make
the reservations.

We'll take dad and Daphne.

Great. Will Maris be joining us?

Oh... sadly, no.

She had a bad experience
there one Christmas eve.

An Italian soccer team
was sitting at the next table.

Maris announced she
was in the mood for a goose

and, perhaps inevitably,
tragedy ensued.

( silverware clattering,
people chattering)

Oh, dear God.

What has happened to this place?

I know.

It's like running
into a movie star

you worshipped as a child,

only time has
left her hair brittle,

her eyes sunken and dull,

her skin waxy and sallow.

Well, I got quite an appetite.

How about you, Daph?

MAITRE D': Yes, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

Yes. Name's Crane, for four.

Ah, table nine seems to be free.

MAITRE D' Right this way, sir.

Your waiter will be
with you in a moment.

Thank you.

Over here, Daph.

Oh, thank you.

Dad, Frasier, isn't that Otto?

FRASIER: Oh, my God!

I believe it is. Otto
is legendary here.

He's been with them forever.

He never writes a
single thing down.

He keeps it all
in his head. Otto!

Oh, coming up.

Your check, sir.

Wrong table. Oh.

We would like menus, please.

Sorry. I hate it when
we get crowded.

I'm going to the john.

Order me a beer.

Oh, gee, Dad, for
a moment there,

I thought you were
going to surprise me

and order a glass of wine.

Oh, yeah, for a
moment, I thought

you were going to surprise
me and button your yap.

I'd order him the crab cocktail,

but I'm afraid the irony
would be lost on him.

The owner's going
to have his hands full

trying to find a
buyer for this place.

Yes, alas, I'm afraid
we've found one old relic

whose time has come to
be put out of his misery.

Oh, no, Otto, I didn't mean you.

Your menu, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Lovely.

Thank you.

It's all right. He's
in the men's room.

No, no.

Leave it here.

Why are Americans always
in such an almighty rush

to tear things down?

At home, we treasure
our antiquities,

but you people just can't
wait to bring in the bulldozers.

You know, I'm inclined
to agree with Daphne.

I'll try to contain
my amazement.

It would be a crime to
lose a landmark like this.

I mean, look at it.

It's well-built, good structure.

It does have good bones.

It's in a very good location.

Excellent location.

If they only had valet parking.

If they just took down
those awful curtains.

Knocked out these pillars.

You know, I've always dreamed

of owning a
four-star restaurant.

What growing boy hasn't?

Of course, we'd need a new chef.

I happen to know the chef
at Emilio's is very unhappy.

Everyone knows that.

The man's scungili
is a cry for help!

Frasier,

are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

I'm picking out china and
sandblasting the wine cave!

Owning a restaurant

is hard work.

If you don't scald yourself,

or lop off a finger
with a cleaver,

you spend your
whole time gagging

at grease fires, killing rats

and brawling with
labor racketeers.

Me Auntie had a little tearoom.

MARTIN: Wait a minute!

Don't tell me you two
are seriously considering

doing a dumb-ass, idiotic
thing like buying this place?

Oh, with all due respect, Dad,

you know, we're not
exactly neophytes in this field.

We know food. We know wine.

Lord knows we have
style, taste and refinement.

You see that's what always
gets you guys in trouble.

You don't think about the
hard work or the long hours.

No, to you, owing a restaurant
is just wearing fancy clothes,

hobnobbing with your friends

and turning your
enemies away at the door.

I hadn't even
thought about that!

MARTIN: Look, when I was a cop,

walking the beat, there was
this one restaurant on the corner.

In ten years, it must have
changed hands 20 times.

First it was Ling
Fung's Lichee Palace.

Then it was Tony's
Meatball Hutch.

Then it was A Little
Taste of Yorkshire.

English food.

Huh, big surprise.

That lasted about five minutes.

NILES: You know, Frasier,

Dad has a point.

A lot of people have lost a
lot of money in this business

for the one reason: They
picked the wrong name.

FRASIER: True, Niles,

but I've got
something very special.

I was thinking about this
while Dad was talking.

Maison Crane.

FRASIER: Oh, God, you're right.

It's a little too obvious.

We want our name to
be inviting and welcoming.

Oh, oh, what's the word
for "lighthearted" in French?

There isn't one.

I've got it, Niles! I've got it!

"Les Freres Heureux."

"The Happy Brothers."

Brilliant.

It's homey and just hard
enough to pronounce

to intimidate the riffraff. Yes!

We'll make the place
very, very exclusive.

No sign on the outside,
no advertisements

and oh, an unlisted
phone number.

MARTIN: Hey,
well, don't stop there!

Maybe you can post
some guards on the roof

who can shoot people
as they try to get in!

FRASIER: Never mind him.

I believe, Niles.
Do you believe?

I believe.

Have you decided
what you'd like?

Yes, I'd like the whole
damn place, right from

the wine cellar to the rafters!

And for the lady?

( lilting piano music plays)

FRASIER: We're
a hit, a palpable hit.

Every table in
the place is full,

except for that tiny one wedged

in that horrible, dank, little
corner next to the men's room.

Oh, no, no, Niles, that
is not a dank, little corner

next to the men's room.

That is the Enchanted Grotto.

I've been getting
nothing but compliments.

Yes, Chef Maurice has
really outdone himself.

The menu simply
cannot be improved upon.

I agree. Mmm.

Unless it would be to add
just a soupçon of brandy

to the cherries jubilee.

Mmm.

Yes, yes, I want those
cherries to be jubilant!

FRASIER: Daphne, Dad,

everything all right here?

Oh, yes, Dr. Crane.

Whatever this anguilla
is, it's perfectly smashing.

It's our chef's specialty.

The man can do things with eels

you just wouldn't believe.

I arrested a guy for that once.

You and your brother

really pulled it off, Dr. Crane.

Yes, well, sorry to
disappoint you, Dad,

but it seems the
restaurant is a success.

By tomorrow we'll be

the toast of Seattle.

What's in there?

Anguilla. Dear God!

It's Maurice's spécialité.

He prefers to
kill them to order,

then serve them
with the heads still on.

Well, thank God his
specialty isn't roast beef.

Are those the soufflés
for table nine, Maurice?

I'm just about to bake them.

I know it's not my place

to second-guess
your presentation,

but would you be adverse
to trying something radical?

What?

Well, instead of
individual soufflés,

make one large soufflé

and dish the portions
out at the table.

When people hear
the name "Niles Crane,"

I want them to
think "big soufflé."

As you wish.

There's a party at the door

without a tie or a reservation.

Leave them to me.

Hey, Niles, baby!

Good evening, Mr. Brisco.

May I help you?

Does it look like I
need help tonight?

Do you have a reservation?

Okay, okay.

I know what you're
sniffing around for.

These guys are all alike.

Mr. Lincoln wonders
if you've got a table

for the Bulldog and his lady.

Well, Mr. Lincoln's in luck.

Please, seat these people

in the Enchanted Grotto.

Niles, the Grotto?

Oh, Bulldog!

Enjoy our finest table.

Hey, you see that?

A little flash of green,
you get whatever you want.

But look who I'm telling.

Um, Maurice?

Hmm?

It's not to second-
guess your creativity,

but, um...

I thought that we agreed that

we would serve the
soufflé in individual cups.

But I was asked to change.

Change on opening night?

Oh, good Lord, no, no.

Start pouring, man.

Dad, Daphne, if
you're almost finished,

I can call for your car.

You know, your parking
attendant looked familiar.

It was Otto, the waiter!

Mm.

Didn't have the
heart to let him go.

So...

Hello, Otto?

OTTO: Who is this?

Dr. Crane, Otto. Please
bring up car 44, please.

Thank you.

Little innovation of mine.

This way, your car will be
waiting when you're finished.

Mm...

Maurice, I thought we agreed
one large bowl for the soufflé.

This is crazy!

This is my kitchen!

Well, it's in my restaurant,
so one big bowl, chop-chop!

And you, you, you!

Table 12 is still
waiting for their entrée.

Don't force me to send
them complimentary zucchini.

That's the "In" door, sir.

Good Lord, I wonder what I hit.

What happened?

This man must have fainted.

Here. Help me get
him into the kitchen.

( thump) Oh!

That's the "Out" door.

Well, no harm done.

Good Lord, I think
his nose is broken!

What shall we do?

For one thing, start
ladling out zucchini.

That one's out cold!

Give me a hand.

I'll take them both to
the emergency room.

Yes, that's a good idea.

Please help this man.

Frasier, Frasier,
true to our name,

I'm trying to remain
a happy brother,

but do you find it just
the tiniest bit discouraging

that suddenly we find ourselves

with neither waiters
nor a bartender?

First rule of the kitchen,
Niles: remain calm.

No, no, no! I told you
individual cups, you oaf!

I told him one large bowl!

Niles, are you out of your
mind?! You told him what?!

Oh, Niles, why
don't you just serve it

in a baseball glove,
for God's sake!

Are you insane?!

I've never heard such a
ridiculous idea in my life!

Maurice!

Maurice!

Maurice, no, wait!

Please let me finish.

It was an oversight on my part.

Oh, fine. Now what?

Simple. We'll just make
a battlefield promotion.

Congratulations! You
are our new head chef.

Thank you.

Now make us proud.

Got a very important
clientele out there.

Yeah, the governor's table
alone we have two state senators

and the head of the
Immigration Bureau.

( gasps)

Sacre bleu!

Any other names
you'd like to drop?

Fine. Now we have no chef.

No, no. Put the hat down!

No, no...

You are our new head chef.

Don't be absurd.

I can't possibly
cook all this food.

Oh, of course, you can, Niles.

My God, most of the
meals are already started.

Dad and Daphne can help us out.

Otto, cancel car number 44.

OTTO: Who is this?

It's Dr. Crane! It's
always Dr. Crane!

I'm the only one on here!

Dad, Daphne, we need your help.

We've got a little disaster.

( loudly): Disaster?!
Will you...!

The entire staff has walked out.

It's a long story.

Daphne, I need
you in the kitchen

and I need you
behind the bar, Dad.

You can gloat later.

I'll pencil it in.

Well, it won't be the first time

I've had to wash
dishes for me supper,

but who's going to
wait on all these tables?

Oh, Frasier?

Roz.

Roz, Roz, oh!

Oh, Roz!

I'm glad to see you, too.

Frasier, this is my date Brad.

Ah, Brad, pleasure.
Pretty great, huh?

Oh, yes, yes.

So, you've got
our special table?

Yes, I certainly have,
but before you sit at it,

there's something I
want to discuss with you.

It's probably some
kind of surprise.

Oh, try to fool you!

What's your poison?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe I should wait for Roz.

I'd have one now.

Blackmailer!

ROZ: Honey,

listen, I'm really,
really sorry,

but Frasier's a dear friend

and his waiters have
had a terrible accident

and this is his
grand opening and...

he really, really needs my help.

So, I hope you'll
try to understand.

No problem.

Listen, could I get a menu and
maybe some bread and butter?

FRASIER Dad...

Hey buddy, you from around here?

How about those Supersonics?

Listen, Niles is starting
to panic in the kitchen.

I don't know if we're going
to be able to pull this thing off.

Why don't you just
level with them?

Tell them what happened.

People are more
understanding than you think.

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe honesty
is the best policy.

Everyone, uh...

Excuse me, uh...

Ladies and gentlemen...

I would just like to say...

GIL: Good evening, Frasier.

Bon appetit.

Gil! Gil, my God, what
a surprise to see you!

I thought you never
reviewed opening night.

You're my friend. I
made an exception.

Ah.

And as a special surprise,

I brought an entire
table of restaurant critics.

Oh, well, oh...

( chuckling nervously):
Oh... that's... lovely.

You know, we're so booked up,

I don't know if I can
accommodate you.

Oh, we'll take
that one over there.

We don't mind squeezing in.

We're simply salivating
to try the anguilla.

We hear your chef's an
absolute wizard with eels.

Eels?

Well, that was
his old specialty.

You really must try
his new specialty:

Scrambled eggs.

Eels it is.

Okay, table four wants
to make some changes.

They want the sole
Véronique without the grapes,

spinach instead of broccoli

and risotto instead of pasta.

They also want the
swordfish but hold the capers.

Oh, for heaven's sakes,

can't you just tell
them "no substitutions"?

I have trouble saying no.

So the guidebooks tell us.

Do you want to get
thrown in the tank

with the rest of the eels?

Well, you're not
making this very easy.

You waltz in here, queen
of the waitresses, la-de-da,

"extra broccoli,

hold the capers," and
then you go back out

on the fun side of the door.

You want to trade places with
me, Mary Poppins? Be my guest!

How dare you use
that tone with her!

( all yelling at once)

All right, stop it!

Get a grip!

You're not being
asked to do anything

that none of us
hasn't done before

in our own kitchens
in our own homes!

Now, quick,
Niles, kill five eels!

Wait, wait!

What?!

I'm serious.

Every restaurant critic
in Seattle is out there

and they all want
anguilla, so start killing eels!

Wait, wait, wait! How
do you suggest I do that?

How do I?! You're the chef!

Throw a toaster in the
damn tank for all I care!

Not to worry, Gil.

The eels are on their way.

Our mouths are
watering, Frasier.

Our chef is in the process of...

( electrical humming)

frying them now.

Excuse me.

This is veal piccata.

I ordered veal marsala.

Why, so it is. I'll rectify that

at once. I'll be right back.

Niles, this veal piccata
has to be veal marsala!

Now it is.

The mayor's table all want
cherries jubilee for dessert.

All right, fine. You flame them,

I'll be out to serve them.

Niles, how are
those eels coming?

I'm just trimming them now.

Oh, no, Niles!

Take them out of the tank!

Not till I'm sure they're dead!

Oh, for heaven's sakes!

( deep rumble)

What was that?

Big blue flash...

cherries everywhere.

Lucky it didn't set off
the sprinkler system.

FRASIER: Yes, fortunately,

we have a built-in safety delay

for just this sort of thing.

Gives you 15 seconds
before the sprinklers...

kick in.

Where do I turn that off?

Right over there.

I hope you're satisfied.

You thinned my brown sauce!

Good news! That was just a test!

I want my car now!

Yes, ma'am. Right away, uh...

Oh, Lord.

Otto, quick, bring
car 23 and hurry!

OTTO: Who is this?

It's the voice of God!

BULLDOG: Hey, Doc!

Doc, great touch
with the sprinklers!

My date's dress is clinging
to her like Saran Wrap!

FRASIER: Ladies and gentlemen,

every restaurant has its
little adjustment period.

I'm sure someday
you'll look back at this

and remember it as an adventure!

And if they don't
remember it, I'll remind them.

Now, for those of
you who are leaving,

please keep us in mind

for your next special occasion.

We plan many new
and exciting innovations

in the weeks to come.

( screaming)

Starting with our...

our drive-through window!

Number 23 is ready.

How much fire power do
you suppose is necessary

to embed a cherry in
an acoustic ceiling tile?

Another question we
should have asked ourselves

before we entered the
exciting world of food service.

Man, those eels
are starting to stink.

Dad, for an hour,

you've been circling
us like a shark.

Why don't you just
give us your little speech

and get on with it?

Hey, come on, I know you guys.

You're gonna punish
yourselves enough

without me chiming in.

Thanks. Appreciate it.

Hey, I'm your dad.

( phone rings)

Hello. Happy
Brothers Restaurant.

MARTIN: Table for
two? Yeah, no problem.

Smoke damaged or
non-smoke damaged?

You know, we... could tell
people he died in the explosion.

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Mercy.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night, everybody!