Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 22 - Agents in America: Part 3 - full transcript

Hello, Frasier.

Oh, Niles!

Double latte, full fat,
chocolate shavings.

Ah...

the self-pity special.

I've had a hellish week.

To top it all off, Old
Reggie Belknap,

the president of our wine
club, kicked the bucket.

The man's body was not
even properly chilled before

the club jackals began
angling to succeed him.

You've never seen such
vicious, cutthroat conniving.



Who's winning?

Well, Maris, of course,

but just barely.

Matthew Pym tried
to stage a coup!

Fortunately, Maris has photos
she took at his wedding...

Photos that clearly show

the label on the
champagne he served.

Domestic?

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Not just domestic,
from Connecticut.

Oh.

Oh, dear.

Don't turn around.

It's that dreadful woman
who works for you.



Who?

Um, uh...

Lady Macbeth
without the sincerity.

Ooh! Oh, Bebe's here. Oh.

Now, listen, Niles,

I care for her just
as little as you do,

but she is a terrific agent,

which is why I
overlook the fact that

that she's pushy and obnoxious

and most the appalling
phony I've ever known!

Bebe, darling, how are you?

BEBE: My poor wounded baby!

I just heard what those
misers you work for

are trying to do to you.

Well, don't you worry,

they're not going
to get away with it.

Well, you must have
heard wrong, Bebe.

They extended my
contract for another year

with an eight-percent raise.

Eight percent? That
would insult even a waiter!

Double cappuccino. Move it!

Well, Bebe,

that is what my
contract calls for.

A slave contract you
negotiated two years ago

before you even had an agent!

They took advantage
of your inexperience.

I thought it was a
very generous offer.

Oh, please. Do you have
any idea how hot you are?

I get offers every
day from other stations

offering the moon for you!

Good Lord, am I really that hot?

Are you kidding?

If I were a pot
roast, I'd be done.

Hello. I'm Niles, a
person at the table.

Niles, thank God
you're here! Back me up.

Give him some
sound brotherly advice.

She's the devil, Frasier.

Run fast, run far.

Listen, Bebe, I...

I realize that the...

the station is making a
handsome profit on my show,

but what can I do?

I do have a contract.

No, darling. What
you have is a... fever.

What?

Ooh, you're like a furnace!

Well, you know, I-I think I see

where you're going
with this, Bebe,

and I'm not sure
how I feel about it.

Oh, how do you
feel about being one

of the lowest-paid
personalities at the station?

Who makes more?

Who doesn't?

Nanette from Pet
Chat, the Happy Chef...

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Father
Mike could buy and sell you.

Father Mike?

He took a vow of poverty!

Well, now he's taking a cruise.

Oh... that big, strapping
chest of yours is all congested.

You just say the word,
and I'll tell the station

you have some coughing
up to do... and so do they.

Bebe, this fever of mine...

How much higher do
you think it might go?

Well, I'm guessing 30% to
40% above where it is now.

Forty percent?

Well, what else
can I say, but, uh...

ah-choo!

No, thank you.

MAN ( on TV): Child, you
wanted me to make you pregnant.

WOMAN: I was in a
coma. You could have...

My God, let's see, they've
got Sky, Zena and Slate.

I don't think someone
called Frasier

should be pointing any fingers.

Is this how you spend your
days when I'm not at home?

Not quite.

When you're not home,

I can bloody well hear
what they're saying.

Oh, you wouldn't want to
miss a line of this dialogue.

"Oh, Zirconia,

"can't you see Stone
doesn't love you?

He loves Placenta!"

( turns off TV)

My favorite are the villains.

They have one guy on here

who kicked his
grandmother down the stairs,

embezzled money
from a children's hospital

and poisoned a puppy.

Give him credit, though.

He did show up
for work every day.

Oh, dear, Dad, if you're
going to be so devilishly subtle,

how will I ever get your point?

All right, well, call
me old-fashioned.

I think when you sign a
contract, you stick to it.

A man's only as
good as his word.

Yes, well, my words have
doubled the station's ad revenues.

All they've shown me for
thanks is a measly 8% raise!

Oh, so what?

In 30 years on the police force,

you think I ever went
to the sergeant and said,

"Hey, I'm shooting way more
bad guys than I thought I would.

How about a bonus?"

( doorbell rings)

Dad, you don't understand.

This is show business.

I'll get it.

Thank you, Daphne.

You see, we do
things differently.

Negotiations are...
are like a dance.

They expect me
to fight my contract.

They know I'm not sick.

I know they know I'm not sick.

They know I know
they know I'm not sick.

It's all part of the
negotiations mambo.

Hi, Roz. Hey, Daphne.

MARTIN: Hi, Roz. Hey, Martin.

Roz, how goes
things at the front?

Well, for starters, they painted

over your name on
your parking space.

Perfect!

What?

No, Bebe told me
they might do that.

It's part of the
negotiation tactic.

It shows that they're
getting nervous.

Well, they must be
really jittery, then,

because took your
picture out of the lobby.

Roz, Roz, they're
just trying to scare me.

And he knows they're
trying to scare him,

and they know that he knows

that they're trying to
scare him. He knows...

Thank you, Dad!

They're just bluffing.
It's like a card game.

Like a card game.
It's like a dance.

The whole thing sounds
like a weekend in Vegas.

You know, I would have thought

they'd play games, too, Frasier,

but they started auditioning
people to replace you.

They're interviewing people?

All day,

and they're really
hot on this woman

who has some gardening show.

She calls herself "Ma Nature."

I can't work for her, Frasier.

You should see her nails.

( doorbell rings)

Well, there's no
need to panic, Roz.

I'm sure it's all
part of the dance.

Hi, Dr. Crane. The station
sent me over with your stuff.

Sorry. My God, th-they've
cleaned out my cubicle?

FRASIER: Listen, Mike,
you're up on the gossip.

I mean, they're
just bluffing, right?

I hope not. My
audition went really well.

( elevator door opens)

Nurse Bebe reporting for duty.

Blossoms for my little shut-in.

Put these in something.

FRASIER: Bebe, Bebe,

have you heard what's going on?

They've cleaned out my cubicle.

They're auditioning
other people.

Marvelous!

They're resorting to
cheap scare tactics.

Looks like I was right
to bring this along.

Chill that.

Darling, you're
looking a little pale.

Don't tell me these
amateur theatrics

are actually worrying you?

Well, no, no, but the...
the stress of not worrying

is starting to get to me.

I... I don't know if I can
take much more of this.

Oh, darling, if that's the
way you feel, then fine.

Let's get this over with.

( both sigh with relief)

Oh, Frasier, it's
for the best, really.

Trust me on this one.

Tom Duran, please.

Bebe Glaser calling.

Tom, Bebe's bored.

You've huffed and you've puffed,

but our house is still standing.

We are giving you
a midnight deadline.

Either call us here at
Frasier's and tell us you'll

renegotiate, or we'll walk!

Love ya.

There.

That should make them
sweat, don't you think?

It might.

BEBE: Well, it's all
over but the waiting.

Canasta, anyone?

Shuffle these.

FRASIER: 11:45.

Oh, God, it's over.

They've made the
decision. It's over.

Well, it was a fun run

while it lasted, eh, Seattle?

This is Dr. Frasier Crane!

And I was listening!

Here we are.

One cup of tea...

Half Darjeeling, half chamomile,

skim milk, a
package of sweetener.

Ooh! And I thought
you might enjoy

a nice fat-free tea biscuit.

Will there be anything else?

No. You run along. I'm fine.

You're sure now?

'Cause I could wait
until you finish the biscuit

and floss your teeth for you.

You are a cheeky little
monkey, aren't you?

This cookie tastes like meat!

Yes, It'll remove tartar and
give you a nice, shiny coat!

Well, I think I'm going
to hit the hay, too.

That's awfully
risky of you, isn't it,

leaving us kids out
here unchaperoned?

Better him than me.

Why are you so tense?

This is the best part.

What could be
more fun than this?

Oh, watching a loved
one be autopsied?

Think of them
sweating in their offices,

chain-smoking,
biting their nails,

their ulcers churning
out enough acid

to burn a hole in a ship's hull.

Oh, God!

And to think I nearly
went into nursing.

Oh, you're right,
Bebe. You're right!

My God, if they're fools
enough to let me go

well, then, fine, there are
any number of other stations

that would love to have
Frasier Crane on board.

Exactly!

Yes. But you know,

I think it's time we
discussed those other offers,

considered what our
fallback position should be.

Ooh! Someone's out of scotch.

Bebe,

tell me there are other offers.

Scads!

Look me in the eye
and tell me the truth.

There are no other offers.

Straight up or on the rocks?

Oh, my God!

Darling, you can't make a deal

without bluffing a little.

You're supposed
to bluff them, not me!

My God, woman, are
you trying to ruin me?!

You are such a worrywart.

Now, don't you patronize me,
you sweet-talking succubus!

You get on the
phone and call them!

Ooh, my God, hands of Hercules!

What must your legs be like?

( phone rings)

Answer it.

Not yet.

( ringing continues)

Where are we?

Have we gone out?

Is it too late?

Answer it!!

Crane residence.
Bebe Glaser speaking.

It's them.

I see.

I see.

Fine.

Well?

Renegotiations tomorrow,
starting from scratch.

Oh. Oh, dear God.

Oh. Oh, we did it.

Oh...

Oh, my God.

I'm so pleased. Thank you, Bebe.

Maybe next time
you'll trust little Bebe.

Yes, oh, I'm so sorry.

You're right. I
underestimated you.

I'm sorry for that
horrible outburst

and for grabbing
you the way I did.

Don't be.

I was impressed.

It was manly in a...
hysterical sort of way.

Cheers.

Champagne, on top of scotch?

Oh, what the hell?

To a beautiful partnership.

No, no.

To... a remarkable agent.

What Bebe wants, Bebe gets.

When will I ever learn that?

Soon enough, dear.

Soon enough.

Oh.

Sorry, Eddie. He's still alive.

You're not going to get
your own room after all.

Oh, God.

How're you feeling?

How do I look?

Last time I saw a guy
who looked like you,

he'd been in the trunk of a
car at the airport for a month.

DAPHNE: Good morning.

My goodness!
Christened a few ships

last night, I see.

The station...
agreed... to renegotiate.

Oh, all right!

Yes, they called
around five to midnight,

and Bebe and I... had some
champagne to celebrate.

And then...

and then...

Oh, God.

Morning, Doctor.

Oh!

Somebody hold me.

I hope you don't mind,
but I didn't see a robe

and your shirt looked so
nice and big and warm...

just like you.

Well, I think I'll go
in the other room

and eat my breakfast...

while I still can.

I'd better go cook for him.

I know how the Crane
men like their legs... eggs.

I think they're
a little shocked.

Well, I'm... a little
surprised myself.

Let's not kid ourselves.

We both knew this
would happen someday.

We did?

The signs were all there:

the glances, the furtive smiles.

You know what would
really hit the spot right now?

My God, you're a machine!

Coffee.

I meant coffee.
( doorbell rings)

I'll get it.

Oh, no, no, no,
that's not necessary.

Good morning, Niles.

What a lovely surprise!

We were about to sit down
to a big family breakfast.

Won't you join us?

( doorbell rings)

Come on in, Niles.

It's all right.

We were... we were celebrating.

You see, the station called
to renegotiate my contract.

Oh. Paid your
commission up front, I see.

It's getting late.

I'd better go freshen up.

Save me a muffin, muffin.

All right, just go ahead.
Get your shots in.

No, no.

I'm just glad you're all right.

I would have assumed
she killed after mating.

Is she gone?

FRASIER: No, Dad. She's...

she's changing.

Oh, my God, how did this happen?

You're asking us?

Oh, I've got to talk to her.

I've got to tell her
this was just a mistake.

Well, you'd better be
careful how you let her down.

She's liable to go
nuts, like in that movie,

then sneak in here
and try to boil Eddie.

Well, look, we'll clear

out of here and give
you a little privacy.

FRASIER: No, no, Dad,
I can't tell her right now.

She's about to go down there
and renegotiate my contract.

I'll tell her later.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Wait till she makes
you a bunch of money

then on top of
breaking her heart,

you can make her
feel really used.

Sounds like a plan to me.

Darling...

We'll leave you
to your happy task.

Cancel that muffin.

Bebe just started a diet.

Wink!

Besides...

tonight we're
dining at Bernardi's.

It's sinfully expensive,

but I think after contract
talks, we can afford it.

Uh, Bebe...

Yeeess?

Bebe, uh, I don't think
there are any words

to describe what
we shared last night.

It was like...

Greco-Roman
wrestling on a trampoline.

You see, I...

As magical as it was,

I-I don't think it's the kind
of thing that we should...

let happen again.

( laughing): Ooh!

Well, you see, I value you
too much as a colleague

to do anything that might
jeopardize that relationship.

I see.

Oh, You're upset.

No. I'm sure

we both would have realized

it was a mistake
sooner or later.

Personally, I was
hoping for later,

but I suppose sooner's best.

It is. It really is.

I'd better dash. I'll call
you after the meeting.

Oh, like you never crawled
under the wrong fence

once in your life!

( crowd murmuring)

NILES: Disaster again.

Maris's little wine club had
an outing at a local vineyard.

As the new president,
she had the honor

of being first into
the stomping vat.

You can imagine her humiliation

when she danced
herself into a barefoot fury

and was unable to
break even a single grape.

Frasier, have you
heard a word I've said?

Of course not, Niles.

I'm still worried about Bebe.

I thought you said
she took it well.

Oh, she did, but you know
how it is with strong women.

Sometimes their strength
masks their vulnerability.

Well, let's face it.

Once a woman has dipped
her toe into Crane lake...

dry land is never
the same again.

Yes, she's probably
home in her room,

writing "Mrs. Bebe
Crane" over and over

in the margin of
her algebra book.

You can make light of this

if you want to, but
it is entirely possible

that I broke that woman's heart.

Whoo! Whose heart
did you break? No one.

Niles, be quiet!

Oh, come on, Frasier, I'm going
to figure it out sooner or later.

Give me a clue... just
one... that's all I need.

BULLDOG: Doc! Doc, come quick!

Bebe's out on the
ledge of our building!

She's threatening to jump!

Oh, my God!
This is all my fault!

Wait! Just give me a hint!

Bebe, please...

Get away from me!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

What happened?

I don't know.

We were working out your deal.

She just burst into tears.

I went out to get
some water for her.

When I came back,
she's standing out there,

sobbing that she
doesn't want to live.

Bebe, it's Frasier.

Please come in.

It's no good!

My life is over!

You got to save her, Doc.

My contract's up in six weeks.

She's my agent, too.

I'm going out there.

ROZ: Are you nuts?

That's nine stories down.

You know what a drop
like that would do to you?

No, Roz, why don't you toss
a pumpkin out the window

so I have a clear
image just before I try?!

Why don't we just
wait for the police?

No! No.

No, that woman
out there needs me.

Bebe, I'm coming out.

Don't come any closer!

I'll jump!

Bebe, please.

No, you can't help me!

No one can help me!

I'm not worth doing this over.

I... Look, there'll
be other men.

It may take time,
but you'll get over me.

Well, somebody certainly
thinks well of himself.

What?

Darling, this isn't about us.

It's just a little
bargaining tactic.

I threaten to jump,
you talk me down,

major coverage... Bang,
your price goes up 20%!

My life is meaningless!

Talk to me, darling, talk to me.

You're out of your mind.

Listen, you're coming
in, coming in right now.

Get away from me!

You can't talk me out of this!

At least not until
Channel Five gets here.

Come on, dear,
make like a therapist.

God, you are out of your mind.

You need help. You-you
should be in therapy.

That's good, but louder.

Give me one reason to live!

Just one!

( shouting): There are...
hundreds of reasons.

Work, art, the people
who care about you!

( lowers voice): Now
come in, you crazy bitch!

( helicopter approaching)

Channel Five, come to Mama.

Okay, dear,

full coverage...
Now, here's the plan.

I swoon forward, you
reach out and catch me.

What? On three.

One, two...

No!

Three!

Film at 11:00.

Oh, God! Oh, God,
just... just get in.

ROZ: Oh, Bebe,

are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine now.

ROZ: Bulldog, get
her some water.

Do you want to sit down?

Thank you, Frasier.

You saved my life.

That was incredible, Frasier.

Look, uh...

I know we've got some
unfinished business,

but rest assured after this,

there's no way we're
going to let you get away.

Well, thank you, Tom.

If I could just have a
moment alone with Bebe?

Sure.

All right.

What kind of a woman are you?

You seduced me. You lied to me.

You nearly got me killed!

You've shamelessly
manipulated not only me

but this station, the news media

and the entire city of Seattle!

What do you have
to say for yourself?!

Aren't you glad
I'm on your side?

Yes, I suppose I am.

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Quite stylish.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Good night,
Seattle! We love you!