Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 21 - An Affair to Forget - full transcript

You're on KACL
with Dr. Frasier Crane.

We have time for one more call.

Hello, Gretchen. I'm listening.

( with German accent):
Well, you see, Dr. Crane,

my husband is a
fencing instructor,

and lately, he
spends all his time

with his wealthy new student.

He's with her day and night,

and I'm afraid there's
some bumsen going on.

Well, uh, is this
just a suspicion,

or do you have any evidence?



No, it's just a feeling.

Well, you know,
in these matters,

there's no simple
way to know for sure.

Oh, yes, there is.

Well, Gretchen, you're in luck.

It just so happens that
we have in our studio today

one of the world's five
leading bumsen experts.

If you want to know
if a man is cheating,

you offer him two
choices for dinner:

one that's rich and fattening

and one that's
light and sensible.

If he picks the one
that's calorie-packed,

he doesn't mind
turning, into a bloated pig,

which means he's happily married



and you're in the clear.

You know, Roz,

when I hear advice like that,

it makes me wish there was a law

against two or more women
gathering at a water cooler.

Now, Gretchen...

Does it really work, Roz?

Oh, trust me.

I'm going to do it.

Thank you for your help, Roz.

Oh, and you, too, Dr. Crane.

Don't mention it.

Well...

Dr. Crane and Friends
will be back tomorrow.

Thanks for listening, Seattle.

I know, you hate it when
I butt into your show...

And yet...

You're gonna forgive me

when you find out the
wonderful thing I'm doing for you.

See, there's this great
woman who lives in my building.

She's beautiful and funny...

Just stop right there, Roz.

I do not go out on blind dates.

They're demeaning and
a hideous waste of time.

No, thank you, no.

It's not for you,
it's for your father.

Oh! What time
should he pick her up?

Wait a minute.

Blind dates are okay for
your father but not for you?

Yes! That also goes
for games with balls,

domestic beer and giant
trucks that roll over smaller ones.

"So you want to build a
three-masted schooner.

Step one: before assembly,
take inventory of all parts."

We don't need to read
all these instructions.

Yes, we do.

It says right here in boldface:

"Read all instructions."

Just pass me the right
side of the hull, will ya?

You'll get your
hands on that piece

at step 16 and not
a moment sooner.

Can we get started here?

Oh, all right, Dad.

"So you want to build a
three-masted schooner."

Give me that!

You'll put your eye out.

Oh! Look at that.

What a beautiful ship.

I bet you'll have
fun building that.

Not as much fun as we're
having reading about it.

Did I ever mention

one of me ancestors was a
mutineer on the HMS Bounty?

MARTIN: No kidding.

Yeah, well, from
what we could gather,

he made it safely
to Pitcairn Island,

where he was quite
fruitful and multiplied.

You know, for all I
know, there's some girl

who looks exactly like me

running around the South Seas,

frolicking in the surf,

all brown-skinned
and bare-breasted.

So you want to build a
two-masted schooner.

Schooner? I thought
it was a frigate.

No, no, a frigate has
a fore and aft mainsail.

No, no, that's a brigantine.

Oh, you're right. Well,
then, what's a frigate?

That's when you just
don't give a damn anymore.

Hello, all.

Hello. Hello there.

Niles, are you going to be
spending the evening with us?

Yes. As much as
my Maris misses me,

she feels family comes first.

When she saw this
model, she felt it was

the perfect project for
me to share with Dad.

She wanted you
out the house, huh?

Like a musty smell.

FRASIER: Oh, Dad I
have a proposal for you.

Seems there's a
woman in Roz's building

that would like
to go out with you.

Roz says that she's got
a wonderful personality.

Oh, I guess that
means I'm the pretty one.

Oh, tell Roz thanks,
but no thanks.

Well, I think you're
making a mistake.

Trying new things is what
keeps us all young and vibrant.

You know, you're right, Daphne.

For weeks, all Maris
did for excitement

was float in her
sensory deprivation tank.

But now she's taken up fencing

and I've never
seen her more vital.

She stays up late
into the evening,

working with her instructor.

Maris has a fencing instructor?

NILES: Yes.

Gunnar was the Bavarian
champion three years running.

He's Bavarian?

You're full of questions I've
already given answers to.

Am I?

He doesn't speak
a word of English,

so Maris gets to brush
up on her German

while she parries and thrusts.

Maris is learning German, huh?

Just when you thought
she couldn't get any cuddlier.

Dad, did you take
the spanking aft?

Yeah. I pre-glued it for you.

Good job.

Oh, not to worry.
This sort of thing

used to happen to me
brothers all the time.

I can get that off with
some nail-polish remover.

Come with me.

Oh, so your brothers
built a lot of models?

No. Actually, I suspect
they just sniffed a lot of glue.

You know, that can
cause brain damage.

Well, then, that confirms it.

Dad!

Dad!

I have to talk to
you about Niles.

I got a call on the show today

from a German woman whose
husband is a fencing instructor

that she suspects
is having an affair

with his wealthy new client.

And...?

Don't you find that the
least bit incriminating?

No, I find it a coincidence.

Seattle's a big city.

I'm sure there're a bunch of
German fencing instructors,

each one with
dozens of students.

Yes, but are they
wealthy students?

No, They're inner-city kids,
trying to work their way out

of the ghetto with nothing
but a foil and a dream.

Yes, well, in the midst of
that slag heap of sarcasm,

I suppose there may
be a kernel of truth.

I guess I could just be letting
my imagination run away with me.

Ah, just trust me. Forget it.

Come on, help me
put this model together.

God, you know, I remember how
Niles used to love these models.

Oh, God, you
remember that Christmas

Mom got him the "Visible
Man and Woman"?

He had to glue all of the
internal organs in the right place.

All I remember is
you two fighting over it.

Yes, well, Niles was
getting on my nerves,

so I had to go in
and steal his ovaries.

Now, there's a conversation

I'm glad I missed
the beginning of!

( door opens)

FRASIER: Sorry I'm late, Roz.

Oh, hey, Frasier. Did
you have a chance

to ask your Dad about the date?

Yes. He's not interested.

Oh, darn it. I already
got her hopes up.

I don't suppose you'd
consider going out with her?

I'm sorry. I've had
my quota of pity dates.

Yes, but this time you
wouldn't be the one being pitied.

Oh, listen, we have a great call

to start the show off with.

Get this: The guy on line
three just found out that

his girlfriend is
his long-lost sister.

Wow!

Oh, yeah, and that German woman

called back about
her husband's affair.

Gretchen! Yeah.

I want her first.

Are you kidding? What
am I supposed to say

to the guy who's
dating his sister?

Oh, just tell him to hang on
and relax. We've all been there.

Hello, Seattle.

This is Dr. Frasier
Crane on KACL.

Let's get right to
the phones. Roz?

We have Gretchen calling
back about her husband's affair.

She thinks she
has more evidence.

Hello, Gretchen.

I'm listening.

( crying): Oh, Dr. Crane!

I took Roz's advice
and gave my husband

two choices for dinner,
and he picked the diet plate.

But that is no proof
that he's having an affair!

But Gunnar has
a healthy appetite!

No, no, no! The proof is
phone bills, credit card receipts...

Gunnar?

I also found a love
letter he wrote to her.

And how long were you going
to keep that a secret, Gretchen?

Come on, work with me
here! What does it say?

"Mein kleine leberknodel..."

I-I'm sorry. I don't
speak German.

It means, "My little
liver dumpling..."

That used to be
his pet name for me.

Well, maybe he's writing to you.

It can't be me.

He says he loves her
beautiful, little body,

as thin as his sword

and her skin as
white as bratwurst

and that she's his
nichteinmenschlichfrau.

What is that?

I don't know if there's
a word in English.

The closest translation is...
"not quite human woman."

Oh, dear God, it is her!

What should I do?

I don't know! I-I
need time to think.

Let's go to commercial!

Hello, we're back.

Gretchen, I have
considered your problem,

and I believe that what you
must do is confront your husband

and insist that
he end this affair.

But what if he won't?

But he has to!

Look, innocent
people are being hurt.

Remind him of how
much he means to you,

of all your years together.
Are there children?

No. Damn!

Still, still,

it must be a clean break.

He must never, ever
see this woman again,

not even accidentally!

We never had these
problems back home.

Well, maybe that's
where you should return...

To the loving bosom of Bavaria.

How did you know
we were from Bavaria?

Well...

you see, I'm a
master of dialect.

I noticed there
was a glottal quality

to the occlusion
of your diphthongs.

But I'm originally from Austria.

Look, do you
want to split hairs,

or do you want
your husband back?

Gretchen, I'm afraid it's
time for another commercial.

Another commercial?

Yes, Roz, another commercial!

What is going on?

What makes you think
there's something going on?

Well, when the person
giving advice sounds crazier

than the person calling in,

I think there's
something going on.

Nothing's going on.

Wait a minute.

You know who the liver
dumpling is, don't you?

All right, yes.

But it's nobody you know.

Her husband's a
good friend of mine.

Oh, how can I tell
him? He'll be crushed.

Well, you don't tell the
person being cheated on,

you confront the person
who's doing the cheating.

Didn't they teach you
anything at Harvard?

I-I can't do that.

It's easy, Frasier.

You just tell her you know

she's been mattress-surfing
with some other guy,

and if she doesn't knock it
off, you'll tell her husband.

It's just... it's,
it's not that easy.

You don't know this woman!

She doesn't deal with
confrontation very well.

I once questioned the political
correctness of her serving veal.

An hour later, we found
her locked in the garage

with the engine
running on her golf cart!

Whoa, it's Maris.

Missy Crane esta en la caja.

Mrs. Crane is in the box.

En la caja.

Maris? This is Frasier.

I am tired of waiting
for you to come out

of this ridiculous
deprivation tank.

Now, listen, we've got to talk,
we've got to talk about Niles.

Will you come out of there?!

Look, Maris.

I know that you're
having an affair.

But I care for you both,

and I want to help you do
what's best for your marriage.

Oh, will you stop this!

Just come...

come out of this box!

All right, all right!

I'm going to open this door.

I'm going to count to three

and I don't care
if you're naked.

I'm going to count to ten!

Oh, the hell
with this! All right!

( gasps)

Niles...

I'm so sorry.

Marta, you said Mrs.
Crane was in the box!

Si, Missy Crane.

No, that's Mr. Crane!

Marta has trouble
with her pronouns.

I'm worried about him.

He's always been
such a sensitive kid.

You're right, Dad.

You know what? Maybe it's wise

for us not let on
how worried we are.

It will only add
to his anxieties.

Yeah, you're right.
If we coddle him,

he'll think this is
the end of the world.

( doorbell rings)

Hello, Niles.

Hi, son.

Oh! It's okay.

That's okay, Niles.

Come on.

It's all right!

Yeah, oh...

We're all here for you, son.

Oh, my little brother.

Yeah, oh...

Yeah, Frasier, pour
him a glass of brandy.

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, God!

You know, I'm all out of brandy.

I-I have a marvelous
sherry here,

a couple of fine ports,

oh, and this lovely bottle of
12-year-old unblended scotch.

It's a little bit peaty...

Just pour him a drink!

What happened, son?

Uh... nothing.

Nothing? Well, when I left,
you were about to storm up

to Maris's room and
have it out with her.

I know, and with every step,
I thought of another question

to fire at her, but when I
reached her door, I froze.

I turned around,
walked out of the house,

got in the car and
started driving.

Well, I'm glad
you ended up here.

Actually, I ended up at
the Oregon border check.

I had fruit in the car,
so I had to turn back.

What am I going to
do? She's my whole life.

You know, Niles, Maris may
have temporarily succumbed

to Gunnar's Teutonic
charms, but...

in the end, I'm
sure she'll choose

the man who's
intelligent and sensitive.

Oh, Frasier, that's
just something

we used to tell
ourselves in chess club.

The truth is, women don't want
men like us... men of intellect.

They want men of
action, men like Gunnar.

Yes, but you know, this
has nothing to do with Gunnar

and everything to do
with you and Maris.

Do you remember
the advice you gave me

when I was having
my problems with Lilith?

You said that I
should talk to her

and find out why
she did what she did.

It's one thing to give advice,

it's another to take it.

Hey, hey, Fras,

didn't you and Lilith

write a bunch of
articles together once

about the keys to a
successful marriage?

Yes, we did.

Well, maybe it'd help your
brother to read them right now.

Well, oh, all right, all right.

You know, I've only
got half of them, though.

Lilith got the rest in
the divorce settlement.

Now, listen, now that
we got rid of the foghorn,

here's the way you're
gonna handle this.

Now, you remember
something like this happened

between your
mother and I, right?

Right.

Right. Well, the
way I handle it was,

I took it up with the other man.

I told him if it ever
happened again,

he'd be the other woman!

Now, there was a lot
more that we had to do

to keep our marriage together,

but at least that
let your mother

know how much I cared for her.

What would you have me do?

Grab Gunnar by
the scruff of the neck

and escort him out of my house?

Well, why not?

Well, I've been
fantasizing about it!

It's just not me though,

although maybe it should be me.

No, no, no, I've got to
speak to Maris eventually.

Although if I do it your way,

I'm going at it from
a position of strength.

I'm going to do it, Dad.

Maris has fencing
practice tonight,

but it's Gunnar who's
going to be taught a lesson!

That's my boy!

You're sure you're up to it?

Yes, I am!

I'm pumped, I'm psyched,
and I'm fairly certain

I just swallowed an
entire twist of lemon!

Did I just hear Niles leave?

Yeah, he went to straighten
out that Gunnar guy!

God, Dad, how
could you let him go?!

What if this Gunnar guy doesn't
want to get straightened out?

What if he wants to fight?

Well, that's all right.

It's still better this way.

At least he's found his manhood.

I'll tell you, I'd be happy

if Niles traded in a couple
of teeth for his cajones!

I've got to stop walking in

on the middle of conversations.

There you are!

Yes, I'm talking
to you, strudel boy!

No one seduces my
wife and gets away with it!

You probably thought

because of my refined
bearing and swimmer's build,

that I wouldn't put up a
fight for the woman I love!

But you're dead wrong,
because real men

have a thing called honor!

Yow!

You wouldn't know
about that, would you?

Niles... You wouldn't know
how decent people behave.

Niles... You wouldn't know the
meaning of the word rectitude!

Niles, He wouldn't know the
meaning of dog or cat or pencil!

He doesn't speak
English, remember?!

Wieso ist er so bose?

Ich weiss nicht.

Marta!

You speak German?

Que?

¿Habla alemán?

ISi! Yo trabajo para
una familia alemána

que llego a Guatemala
despues de la Guerra.

Apparently, she worked
for a German family

that turned up in Guatemala...

( with deep voice):
just after the war.

Well, well, good, good!

She can translate
for me. Tell her...

Niles, Niles, Niles, just wait!

What? Look at him!

God, if he knew
you were calling him

"strudel boy," he'd be
wiping his feet on your face!

Hang that, Frasier! If
there're going to be scuffs,

they'll be scuffs of honor.

How dare you steal my wife!

Translate!

Oh, all right.

Señor Crane quiere
que preguntas a Gunnar,

"Como se atrevez a
robar mis zapatos?"

Was fallt Dir ein meine
Schuhe zu stehlen?

Shcweinehund!

All right, fine. You
want to challenge me?

En garde!

Oh, yes, Niles, that's just what
we need, a fourth language!

Niles, you can't
possibly fight this man!

Are you forgetting?

I've been fencing
since prep school.

Yes, oh, so what?

The man was obviously
born with a sword in his hand.

He probably performed
his own Caesarean!

Oh!

Whoa! ( growls)

Oh, my God, he's gonna kill me!

Fahrvegnugen!

Fahrvegnugen?

( mutters in German)

Oh, very nice, very
nice, thank you!

( yells)

( rapid footfalls)

( grunting)

Ha, ha-ha!

( grunting)

( yells)

Niles!

FRASIER: Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Entschuldige dich sofort!

Ich habe nicht Deine
Schuhe gestohlen!

Is he giving up?

Pideme perdon! Yo
no te robe los zapatos!

He says he wants
you to apologize.

He didn't steal... your shoes.

My shoes?!

Yes, I'm sorry.

Apparently, I mistranslated.

FRASIER: Look, he didn't mean...

Not shoes, wife!

INo zapatos, esposa!

Nicht Schuhe...

Frau!

Frau?

( mumbles in German)

Maris ist unwiderstehlich.

No me puede contrelar.

Maris est irresistible.

He couldn't help himself.
Maris is irresistible.

Irresistible?

Unwiderstehlich?

Ja.

Si.

Okay.

Aber sie hat mich abgewiesen.

Pero me rechazo.

Oh! But she refused him.

Really?

¿Verdad?

Wirklich?

( sighs)

Well, what did Maris say?

¿Que decia?

Was hat sie gesagt?

Ich liebe Niles.

Yo amo Niles.

I love Niles.

She loves me.

Oh...

Oh, she loves me!

My marriage is whole!

Give me five seconds,
then tell him he's fired. Maris!

Oh, Lord, if only I
can do something

to help Gunnar and Gretchen.

Gretchen?

Ja, ja, uh...

Tell him that his wife
loves him very much.

Diga a Gunnar que su
esposa le ama mucho.

Deine Frau liebt ihn sehr.

Shcweinehund!

No, no, not me! You, you!

Marta, damn your
pronoun problems!

All right, then, you
hapless wretch!

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Oh, my.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.