Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 20 - Breaking the Ice - full transcript

FRASIER: Well,
that's it for today.

Good-bye and good listening.

A little off our game
today, aren't we, Roz?

Is there something wrong?

Yes. I told a guy I love him.

Somebody you know this time?

Forget it, Frasier.

I know you don't like to
hear about my love life.

Oh, Roz, don't be
ridiculous. I care about you.

If you have a problem,
and I can help, I'd love to.

Just keep the details
on a need-to-know basis.



Okay.

We've been dating
a couple of weeks,

and last night he started
licking me behind my ear.

See, I have this
sweet little spot...

Uh, Roz, is this...?

Yes, you do need to know this.

So, anyway,

what I meant to say
was, "Oh, I love that!"

But I got so caught up that
I yelled out, "Oh, I love you!"

And then all of a sudden,
he got this look on his face

like Indiana Jones
running from the big ball!

Well, uh, Roz, do you love him?

No, but I said it,

so he should have said it back.



It's just polite.

There is no more
emotionally charged phrase

in the language
than "I love you."

Some people are just
incapable of saying it.

It makes them too vulnerable.

My father, for
instance, incapable

of saying, "I love
you," even to me.

But I know he does.

So your father never
told you he loves you?

God, that explains so much.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, maybe if he had,

you wouldn't be so
emotionally needy

that when a close friend asks
your advice, you have to steer

the conversation back
to your own problems.

So, anyway, now that I
told this guy I love him,

how do I take it back?

Very simple, Roz.

Do you remember when I said

that I cared about
you and I'd like to help?

Yeah.

I take it back.

( Eddie snorting)

( clattering)

Eddie, get out of there!

You'll get a fishhook
up your nose!

Don't you ever
clean that thing out?

No, it's bad luck.

Everybody knows that.

You show up on a fishing
trip with a tackle box

that doesn't smell
like the most rancid,

rotten thing on the
face of the earth,

then nobody will
sit next to you.

( door opening)

Yes, Niles, I used to
have the same problem

with my multiple
personality patients.

They always kept saying

that the other one
had sent the check.

What an odd
combination of odors.

It smells like a fish died

and all the other
fish sent flowers.

Yes, it's time for Dad's
annual ice-fishing trip

to Lake Nomahegan.

Yep, I'm getting my gear ready.

Duke rented a cabin
right on the lake,

and I'm bringing the
bait and the pork rinds.

Now, just 'cause your old
man's going out of town,

I don't want you boys
throwing any wild parties.

How can we if you're
taking all the pork rinds?

I can't figure it out.

How could a fish be so dumb
as to put his mouth around...

Ow!

( phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hello! Yes, he's right here.

It's Duke.

Oh!

Hey, Duke!

Oh, I'm sorry.

MARTIN: Yeah, sure I understand.

Hey, we'll do it next year.

Yeah, we've got too
many good times up there

to let this tradition die.

( laughing): Yeah.

Yeah, I love you, you big lug!

MARTIN: Okay, bye.

Your trip's been canceled?

Yeah, Duke's back's out again.

Oh, what a shame.

You were so
looking forward to it.

Well, I still have
the cabin, but...

I can't go alone.

You know, Dad, look, as
much as I'd like to do something

with you this weekend, I...

I'm afraid ice
fishing just isn't it.

Oh, look, look, here's an idea!

You know what? They're doing
a revival of The Iceman Cometh,

playing downtown.

Now, you see, we could catch
a matinee and go out for sushi

and stay well within the same

theme music, you know?

Thanks anyway.

DAPHNE: Well, I'd go,

but to me, the
pleasure of fishing

has always been
waiting for the men

to return with their catch.

Oh, I can still see
me brother's friends

coming back from the lake,

their chiseled faces
all ruddy and windburnt.

Oh, they were so masculine,

I just couldn't wait to
panfry their kippers!

I'll go ice fishing, Dad!

MARTIN: Really?

Are you sure?

Unless you don't want me to.

No, I do!

Oh, this will be great!

You, ice fishing?

Well, why not?

I've always thought of myself

as a man of the great al fresco.

Niles, you get a runny nose
watching figure skating on TV.

Hey, thanks, Niles!

It's the very least I can do

if it'll help save
your trip for you.

Yes, well, Niles,
that's quite a gesture,

but I mean, really, ice fishing?

In an arctic tundra,

where large men spit and
it freezes in their beards?

After you've seen Maris's
interpretive dance group

perform Afternoon of a
Faun in the East Garden,

the wilderness holds no terror.

Morning, Daphne.

Good morning!

Lovely day, isn't it?

Well, you're in a good mood.

Yes. Well, as much
as I love your father,

with him gone, it's going
to be a wonderful weekend.

Care to make it perfect?

I'm sorry to disappoint
you, but I am staying.

Well, I found the thermos.

Be sure and make
that coffee extra strong.

( Eddie barks)

Oh, hey, how you doing, chief?

Yeah, I know you
want to go with me,

but we're gonna be on the ice.

It'll be too cold for ya.

Yeah, I love ya,
you little mutt.

Well, I'd better go make
sure I have everything.

Did he just say, "I
love you" to the dog?

Oh, that's nothing.

I had an aunt who used to say,
"Good night, Mr. Vanderpump"

to a hat rack!

Does he say that to Eddie a lot?

Well, I try to give
them their privacy.

I'm sorry, Daphne.

I'm just curious.

I don't mean to sound
maudlin, but, you know, I...

I can't remember Dad
ever saying that to me.

Oh, you know what a
crusty old git your dad is.

Well, yes,

but he says it to Eddie.

You know, he said it to Duke
the other day on the phone.

Duke and your
father go way back.

He's his chum.

And I'm not?

Well, you know...

when your father
wants to go fishing,

at least Duke will go with him.

So you're suggesting
that I go along

and pretend I'm enjoying myself,

doing something that gives
me absolutely no pleasure at all

just to hear the
words, "I love you"?

Why not? Women have
been doing it for centuries.

( doorbell rings)

Call me Ishmael.

Wow, Niles, look at you!

Now, are you sure

you're gonna be warm enough?

No problem there. I
dressed in layers...

Polo, Eddie Bauer
and Timberland.

You look like a
skinny Elmer Fudd.

Dad, wait till you
see all the stuff I got.

I had no idea how
much I liked fishing

till I realized all the
shopping involved.

Graphite poles...

Wow!

And...

hot buns!

Wow!

They're heated seat cushions.

You microwave them, and
they stay toasty warm for hours.

You know, Dad, maybe
I was a little hasty.

All right, here we are,
some snacks for the trip up.

( laughing): Oh, look
at you, Dr. Crane,

in your new togs!

Yeah, quite an outfit, huh?

The fish will see him coming.

Yes. Well, the
salesman certainly did!

Dad, you know, I feel kind
of bad that I turned you down

the other day when
you invited me.

MARTIN: Oh,
don't worry about it!

NILES: Wait till you taste this
freshly smoked turkey jerky!

For heaven's sakes,
you know you want to go,

so why don't you just ask him?

How can I? I already
said I didn't want to.

MARTIN: Oh, that's delicious!

Oh, don't put it back in...

Hey, Niles, come
on, it's getting late.

Well, yes, guess
we'd better hit the road.

You know, guys,
it's kind of a long trip.

Are you... you sure
you're up to the drive?

Frasier, I'm getting
some mixed signals here.

You don't want to
go with us, do you?

Oh, all right!

Better than hear you
nag, nag, nag all the time!

Fine, I'll go!

( door opening, wind whistling)

( tackle box clattering)

( weak chuckle)

Oh, this is...

Oh...

Hey, come on! The
ice isn't going to break.

This lake's been frozen
solid for three months.

Well, I'm... I'm,
I'm sorry, Dad.

It's just that when you said
Duke had a cabin on the lake,

this is not what I had in mind.

It's a cabin. It's on the lake.

Well, yes, a few degrees warmer,

it'll be in the lake.

That was amazing!

I've never felt so
in touch with nature.

MARTIN: What happened?

For the first time in my life,

I just urinated outdoors!

Another cup of coffee,
I'll go back and dot the "I"!

Oh, Dad, this is great.

Yeah.

Well, Frasier doesn't think so.

Well, it's not

that I'm complaining,
it's just that I... thought

it would be something more,
well, lake-adjacent, you know.

Are we actually
going to sleep in here?

( chuckling): Who is this rube?

Maybe we can trick him

into touching his
tongue to the bait bucket!

( guffaws)

MARTIN: No, we're fishing here.

We're sleeping someplace else.

Remember where we
turned off the highway?

Well, right down from there
is the Bed 'N Bass Motel.

Bed 'N Bass.

Yes, one of the finer
fish-themed hotels.

So what do we do?

We... make a
little hole in the ice

with this little corkscrew thing

and just start fishing?

It's called an auger.

Well, imagine my embarrassment.

Here's your hot buns, Dad.

Oh, thanks.

What am I gonna sit on?

The auger's free.

Oh, all right. Come
on, come on. Here.

( water trickling)

MARTIN: I saw that.

I'm not bored. I was
simply wondering how long

we've been sitting
here enjoying ourselves.

If the fish don't feel
peckish just now,

we'll pass the time
in good conversation.

Dad, did you know that
Lake Nomahegan was formed

by the retreat of
several glaciers

during the Cenozoic Era?

Which, coincidentally,

was the last time
anyone caught a fish in it.

How'd you know that, Niles?

Well, last night I
was browsing through

Fielding's Geological
History of Western Canada.

It's fascinating!

For example, did you
know this very lake

is 89 meters deep and
boasts 50 varieties of fish?

Oh, Alex, I'll take
"Bodies of Water" for 500.

It has lake trout, rainbow
trout, walleyed pike...

How would you like to
be sleeping with them?!

Hey! You know, you could learn
a thing or two from your brother

about getting into
the spirit of things.

Well, I'm sorry, it's
just that my back hurts,

I'm hungry, and I'm
tired of sitting here,

tying to warm up one bun at
a time in 20-degree weather!

That's negative
six degrees Celsius,

a system named
after Anders Celsius,

the famed Swedish astronomer

and compulsive
temperature-taker!

Niles, switch!

I believe you're on my side.

I am not.

You've crossed the border!

Oh, my God, I don't
even know why I'm here!

I'm thinking the
same thing myself.

Guys, come on!

If you're having
such a terrible time,

why don't you just head
back to the Bed 'N Bass?

Fine! That's just what I
need... A brisk five-mile hike

through subfreezing
temperatures!

Oh, for God's sake,

take the car.

You can pick us up later.

Fine.

Oh, no, there's a
hole in my pocket.

You lost the keys?

Oh, no. Where?

Well, if I knew where,
they wouldn't be lost!

They could be anywhere
between here and the car.

Well, good luck finding
them, it's been snowing all day.

Great. We're gonna
have to stay here all night.

This is just dandy!
By morning, we'll be

Stouffer's Frozen
Entrées for wolves!

Hey, wait a minute!

Is that them over there?

Where?

Oh, oh, oh, thank God!

All right, mister,
I don't trust you.

Give me those right now.

Fine, Mr. Big brother!

Nice catch!

Me? You throw like a girl!

Boys, now, let's not panic.

You know we're gonna be
fine staying here all night.

You know, the same thing happened
to me and Duke about ten years ago.

You dropped your car
keys down the hole?

No, we're not idiots.
The car battery died.

But the three of us made
it through the night just fine.

You, Duke and who?

My old drinking buddy,
Mr. James Beam.

You're not the only one

who went out and got
some fishing supplies.

Boy, I never thought I'd end
up yearning for the Bed 'N Bass.

Niles?

Yes, please.

( low creaking sound)

My God, what was that?

It's just the ice
cracking underneath us.

Relax. It happens all the time.

Well, if we do fall in,

we'll have 90 seconds
until hypothermia sets in.

One more fact, you're
going in that hole!

The walleyed pike...

Okay, that's it!

MARTIN: All right, stop it!

Will you guys stop going after

each other already?

I know, we got to lighten
things up around here.

Hey, we're drinking,
we need a drinking song!

All right, all right.

Ooh, I know! There's a wonderful
drinking song from La Traviata

called "Libiamo Brindisi"!

No, no, no, no,
that's from Rigoletto.

No, it's from La Traviata.

( in brassy opera voice): ♪
Libiamo, libiamo ne lie amore. ♪

No, no, it goes

♪ Libiamo ♪

♪ Libiamo... ♪

( both singing in Italian)

( off-key, in unison):
♪ Si, ne scopra ♪

♪ Ne scopra ♪

♪ Il nuovo di. ♪

Bravo! ( laughing)

That was great!

What's the second verse?

I don't know. It's in Italian!

Another drink?

No, no, I'll take
a pass on that.

I got to go use the facilities.

But I'll be right back,

so keep a light on
in the window for me!

( laughing)

Well, I'm still thirsty, Niles.

Here, "Beam" me up.

( laughs)

( sighs)

Niles, do you mind

if I ask you a
personal question?

What the hell are
you doing here?

What do you mean?

You know, this whole

"Sergeant Niles
of the Yukon" act.

I mean, come on, it can't
be all to impress Daphne.

It's not an act!

Niles, in 2O years,

I've never heard
you comment on fish

except to say that the
sauce had separated.

All right.

I'll tell you.

You promise not to laugh?

You'll have to
take that hat off.

Well... two years ago
when you took Dad in,

I thought I was getting
away with something, but...

watching you two get closer,

I started to think,

maybe I was missing
out on something.

You want him?

No, no.

Let me finish.

I just really feel the need
to make a connection.

Well, Niles, I think
you've made a connection.

It just seems a little bit

extreme, though, you know?

You probably could have
accomplished the same thing

if you'd just taken him to
Captain Andy's Surf N' Turf.

And miss out on all the fun

of memorizing 101
useless fish facts

and buying a large
battery-operated wardrobe?

So you're having just
as bad a time as I am.

Oh, oh, oh, worse!

( laughing)

At least you have
the fun of complaining.

I have to feign enthusiasm.

( groans)

Oh... I really am King
of the Ninnies, aren't I?

Oh, no.

Don't be reaching for
that scepter yet, son.

Want to know the reason
I came up here? Mm.

It was just to hear him
say the words, "I love you."

What?!

Yeah, well, you know,
he... he said it to Duke.

He said it to Eddie.

He's never said it to me.

Surely you don't put
yourself up there with Eddie?

Oh, Frasier, you
know he loves you!

Oh, yeah, of course I do.

I'm being ridiculous,
I know that.

I mean, look at the guy!

He's content just to sit here,

freezing his buns off,

because we're
sitting here with him.

It's just... I guess I
just got a little obsessed

about, you know, hearing it.

Well, I mean, you know
that Maris loves you, right?

But it's still nice to hear it.

I imagine it would be,

but let's stick to
attainable goals.

As they laugh the
laugh of the damned.

( laughing)

Ooh, boy!

Hey, I did it!

I wrote my name out there!

I had to borrow an "N"
from Niles, but I did it!

We're leaving quite the
urological crossword puzzle

out there, aren't we?

( laughing)

So what were you
guys laughing at?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, come on! Don't
leave your old man out.

Well... all right. Okay.

I...

I was just explaining to Niles

that the reason why I drove
all this way up here was to...

I was hoping I'd hear you
say the words, "I love you."

Oh, geez! I leave
you for two minutes

and you have to start thinking.

Isn't it enough that we're

just here having a good time?

Dad...

You know, every
year in this country,

thousands of guys go fishing,

and love never enters into it!

Okay, okay, forget about it.

Thank you. Well, can
we just go on fishing?

Sure.

A fisherman in
Oshkosh, Wisconsin,

stared into one of
these holes for 20 years

before he caught his first fish.

Haven't we been here that long?

( Niles laughs)

Anyway, just
because I didn't say it

doesn't mean I don't
mean it or feel it.

Dad, Dad, that's exactly
what we were saying.

Absolutely. Yeah, well,
you know, you can...

My Dad never said
it, but I know he felt it.

I mean, feeling it is the
same as saying it, isn't it?

Dad, you don't have to say it.

Well, did it ever
occur to you that...

maybe I want to say it?

You know, your mother
used to get all over me

about not saying stuff, too.

Well, I can't say it if
you're looking at me!

Would it help you if we left?

Just for that, I'm
doing you second!

I don't know why it's so hard.

Dad, listen. You
know you can say it.

I heard you say it to Duke.

Oh, that's different.
I said, "I love ya."

"Ya!"

We'd take "ya."

Yeah.

Well, if I'm gonna do
it, I'll... I'll do it right.

( sniffs)

Frasier...

Frasier...

I love you.

Niles...

I love you.

Thanks, Dad.

I love you, too.

And I love you, too.

But I hate ice fishing.

Well, it's the last time you'll
have to come out and do that.

Oh, in that case,
I really love you.

( laughing)

Well, thanks, Niles.

Look at that. That's so cute.

When you say it
to him, he blushes!

Oh... I love you.

Oh, cut it out, Niles!

I love you.

I love you. No, come on.

I love you. Oh, stop it!

Come on, give us a kiss!

Oh, stop it!

Excuse me!

Hey, Officer! Oh, we're saved!

You guys are gonna have to
come off the ice for the night.

Well, we can't. We
lost the car keys.

Then I'll take you to your motel

and you can call a
locksmith in the morning.

Oh, thanks, Officer!

That's a wonderful idea.

You're quite a sport.

Yes, yes! Thank
you. We love you.

Ya! We love ya!

We-we've been drinking a little.

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Oh, my.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Thank you!