Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 19 - Someone to Watch Over Me - full transcript

Brian, let me assure you,
no one is a born scatterbrain!

You simply have to develop
your powers of concentration.

On a trip to the Amazon,

I was able to
observe the hunters

of the primitive Shipibo tribe.

With nothing more

than a crude blowgun, they
can bring down small monkeys

from the forest canopy,
high above their heads.

How? Focus

and mental discipline.

And that's what we
have to work on, Brian.



Focus on one thing

and not allow ourselves to
be distracted by a single...

We've been
nominated for a Seabee!

Oh!

Oh, oh, of course we should
never become so single-minded

that we don't allow
ourselves to be spontaneous.

We'll be back right after this.

All right! Yay! Yay!

This is wonderful!
Two years in a row!

They like me!

They really like me!

Oh, my God, I have to lose
five pounds in two weeks.

That will be enough of that.

Roz... Roz, I bought
this for you this morning.



I was hoping that I
wouldn't have to say

this was just for being you.

Oh! Thanks, Frasier.

This is so great.

You know, last year
I was so obsessed

with winning that I didn't
even enjoy being nominated.

But this year I don't
care if we win or lose.

I'm just gonna buy
myself a beautiful dress

and have my hair done,

then I'm gonna stretch out

in the back of a
limo with my date...

Wonder why you bothered
having your hair done.

Hey, Doc! Congratulations!

Ah, ah! ( laughing)

Hey, Roz!

Oh, okay.

Well, I understand
congratulations

are in order for
you as well, Bulldog.

What is this, four
nominations, three wins?

Yes. I've been a symbol
of broadcasting excellence

in Seattle since 1991.

( sniffing)

( barking)

( yipping)

See you, Doc.

30 seconds.

Thank you, Roz.

Whom do we have?

On line one, we have a
shoplifter from Bainbridge

and then line two is
your number one fan.

Oh, Kari?

Mm-hmm. For the
fourth time this week.

Why don't you let
me get rid of her?

All she ever does is gush

and tell you how
wonderful you are.

And this hurts me how?

Hello, Seattle, we're back.

Got time for just one
more call, so Roz,

who do we have on the line?

Oh, please!

Hello. You're on
with Frasier Crane.

Hi, Dr. Crane. It's me,
Kari, nervous as usual.

Anyway, I hope you're
not getting sick of me.

Oh.

I just think you're wonderful.

Oh.

Thank you for
always talking to me.

Well, thank you
for being so sweet.

Well, thank you for
giving such good advice.

Well, thank you for being...

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

If-if that's all...

That was a beautiful rose
you bought this morning.

Yes, I bought it to give to...

Excuse me?

Don't be surprised.

I saw you at the florist.

You weren't doing
your regular routine.

"My regular routine"?

Café Nervosa. You go there
every morning, except today.

I can tell I'm boring
you now. Bye.

Uh, well, good-bye, Kari.

( dial tone) Hmm.

Well, that's all our
time for today, Seattle.

Good-bye and good listening.

That was pretty weird.

Now she's following you?

I don't think it's so weird.

She's hardly following me.

Maybe she hangs out
at Café Nervosa, too,

and the florist
is right next door.

Now, be careful out there.

There's a lot of creeps.

Oh, Roz, I hate
that word, "creep."

I've met a lot of odd
people in this business.

I've never referred to
any of them as a "creep."

Hey, Roz, will you stop
wearing those corduroys?

I can't see your panty line.

Although some people do
send me groping for synonyms.

( door opens)

( keys jingling)

Ah! What are you up to?

I just measured your
father for his tuxedo.

Oh, Frasier, that reminds me.

I'm afraid Maris won't be able

to make Seabee
Awards tomorrow night.

Well, color me surprised.

Any particular reason?

Uh, yes.

This time it's a good one.

She's very upset
about her manicurist.

The woman's been doing
Maris's nails for years now,

and sadly, she was
just taken critically ill.

Oh, dear. How bad is she?

Oh, she'll be fine when
she finds another manicurist.

Until then, she's curtailing
all public appearances.

FRASIER: Yes, well, I'm sorry.

It's not like I'm nominated
for a Seabee every year.

Oh, wait a minute, yes, it is!

( laughs)

NILES: Well, as some
illustrious person once said,

"Popularity is the
hallmark of mediocrity."

You just made
that up, didn't you?

Yes, but I stand by it.

Will you be joining us for
dinner tonight, Dr. Crane?

No. Frasier and I are
going to the opera.

We're seeing

BOTH: Der Fliegende Hollander.

Well, don't forget,

the tickets are
in your briefcase.

Oh, yes. Thanks, Niles.

NILES: I can hear
that first aria already.

♪ Bom-bom, bom, bom-bom... ♪

Don't, Niles.

You'll start singing it,

then I'll start singing it,

and I won't be able to
get it out of my head.

What is this?

"Dear Dr. Crane,

"a little bit of me to
wrap around your neck.

Your number one fan, Kari."

DAPHNE: Oh, how sweet!

Your fan knitted you a scarf.

Yes, but when did find the
time to put it in my briefcase?

I haven't had it out
of my hand all day

except when I was
in the barber chair.

That didn't give her
more than 30 seconds.

So you're saying

this woman followed
you into the barber shop

and then slipped a
scarf into your briefcase?

Well, she's a very devoted fan.

She has the handwriting
of a sociopath.

Oh, she does not!

Big loops.

That's exactly how Scotland Yard

caught the Butcher of Brighton.

He used big loops...
A clear sign of anger...

And he crossed his Ts in a
downward stroke, indicating aggression.

Of course, he also
kept a demitasse saucer

full of eyelids
on his night table.

Anybody here besides me think

we should put a
two-way lock on her door?

MARTIN: Well, if you ask me,

it's probably nothing,

but there are some
weirdos out there,

so just keep your eyes open.

Dad, she's not a weirdo.

She's just a woman who
finds me utterly fascinating.

And the distinction would be?

In any case, I do think

that her invading my
space is inappropriate.

I hardly think we should
start barricading the door.

Let's review.

She started with
calls to the station,

then moved on to spying on you.

Now she's been
in your briefcase?

It's the classic progression
of the predator stalking its prey

in ever-narrowing
circles or "loops."

NILES: That's for you, Daphne.

Thank you.

( doorbell rings)

Oh, Niles, you make
me sound like a goat

staked out in a clearing.

No one is hunting me down

and no one is-is
closing in on me.

Oh. Well, look!

These must be from the station!

( chuckles)

Oh. "From your
number one fan, Kari.

"Your time has come.

You're finally going to
get what you deserve."

The loop tightens.

Stop it, Niles!

She's probably just
referring to the fact

that it's time I win this award.

Try as you will, you
are not going to turn me

into some sort of
a nervous wreck.

( balloon pops) ( gasps)

It's just not going to happen!

MAN ( on phone) I
don't understand it, Doc.

I'm a successful guy.

I have my own car dealership,

but still, I'm depressed.

You've probably heard
of me... Madman Martinez.

Well, what seems to be the
source of your depression, Madman?

I guess it's just that
business is down.

I don't know why.

I slashed prices this week.

Right now I got an '88
Olds Cutlass on the lot

in rare turquoise
metallic, cordoba roof,

leather, factory, air...

Madman...

and there's nothing compared

to the six brand-new
Supras I got in.

Their prices... Mad...

with a 20% discount
to all your listeners.

People say to me,
"Madman, you're crazy!"

But I say, "Hey,
I deal in volume!"

Fortunately, so do I.

Well, it's about all the
time we have today, folks.

Stay tuned for Bob
"Bulldog" Brisco

after these paid
commercial messages.

Roz, what is the
matter with you?

You're supposed to be
screening these calls.

Just douse me in gasoline
and toss me a match.

I was hoping a stern
warning would do the trick.

I'm talking about this.

Three hours until the limo
picks me up for the Seabees

and my nose
erupts like Krakatoa!

It's, it's barely noticeable.

From where, the space shuttle?

Is this vintage Roz or what?

I finally lose five pounds

and I gain three of
it back on my nose!

Roz, listen.

I'm sure that with
enough foundation

and with some contouring,

maybe a little shadowing...

Have you considered
wearing a beekeeper's mask?

Do I make fun of that
astrodome you call a forehead?

Gee, Roz... it's been sort of

a tough week for
me, too, you know?

Kari's taken to putting
notes in my-my briefcase.

She's even been to my apartment.

Frasier, you've got
to do something.

Don't you remember
Leo the Happy Chef?

He had an obsessed fan, too.

It started out
innocently just like yours,

and she ended up
breaking into his house.

Yes, I understand
she bent his whisk

and scratched all his Teflon!

Make fun all you want,

but she made his life miserable,

and she didn't quit until he
hired himself a bodyguard.

Do you want me to
find out who he used?

No, no, no. I have a hard time

believing that Kari
poses a real threat.

I mean, she doesn't
even have the nerve

to come up and look
at me face-to-face.

Lord knows she's
had the opportunity.

Well, suit yourself.

But if you ask me, the
woman is acting very weird.

Is the tea good for your nose?

No, I finally found a
bag to match my shoes!

Roz, you're dripping
all over the console.

Oh.

Oh, my goodness. ( gasps)

Kari?

Again?! How did
she get in your jacket?

I have no idea.

"I'm very disappointed
in you, Dr. Crane.

"You didn't wear
the scarf I knitted you

"even though it was very cold.

"The last man who
disappointed me that way...

"is in his grave.

( gasps)

"P.S. I'll be at
the awards tonight

"and I'll be looking for you.

Your number one fan, Kari."

Oh, great.

I'm sitting at your table
with a bull's-eye on my nose!

DAPHNE: Now, now, Dr. Crane,

you've really
got to try to relax.

Oh, you're right, Daphne.

After all, what do I have
to be nervous about?

I'm only up for a major award.

If I lose, I'll be devastated.

If I win, then a madwoman
who's been stalking me

will have a clear
shot when I accept!

Oh, don't worry about it so.

That's what you hired
the bodyguard for.

Yeah, I still don't see why.

Most likely, nothing's
gonna happen.

And even if it does, I
was a cop for 30 years.

This whole thing is
a waste of money.

Dad, there's a big difference

between a policeman
and a skilled bodyguard.

These people are trained to size
up a crowd, plan escape routes,

even get shot if necessary.

Hey, I know how
to take a bullet.

Oh, yes, that's just what your
personality needs... another bullet!

( doorbell rings)

That must be him.

Who is it, please?

NILES: Lizzie Borden. I want
you to autograph my hatchet.

That's not very funny.

NILES: Everyone ready to go?

Nah, we're waiting
for his rent-a-goon.

Apparently, he's
stuck in traffic.

Perhaps your admirer
ran into him first,

and he's stuffed in
some janitor's closet,

his purple, bloated tongue

protruding above his
freshly garroted neck.

Is that champagne?

Oh, you're a fountain
of comfort this evening.

Oh, I'm just teasing.

If you must know,
I'm a little jealous.

I told Maris about
your troubles.

All she does is sulk and
talk about bodyguards.

"Why don't we need one?

"Aren't we important
enough to be stalked?"

I have no idea what to
say to the poor woman.

Tell her to just go on being
herself and her day will come.

( doorbell rings)

That must be my muscle.

Dear God, it's a woman!

FRASIER: Where's my
bodyguard when I need him?

( knocking) Hello?
It's Cindy Carruthers

from the Unified
Protection Agency.

Your bodyguard's named Cindy?

What's the matter?

They're all out of Tiffany's?

I was expecting
someone big and wide

like a Dominic, a
Rocco... a Ruth even, but...

Hello. I'm so glad to see you.

Thank you, Dr. Crane,

but you just made
a fatal mistake.

Oh, my God, It is Kari!

No. I mean you should
have called the agency

and asked for a description
before you let me in.

Hi, Tina. Bring the car
around to the service entrance.

"Tina"?

I guess Candy was busy.

CINDY: First
rule for tonight is:

"Trust no one you don't know."

Ooh! Let me write that down.

I suppose you're right.

I just... just start to feel
silly when I act paranoid.

Don't. Paranoid is good.

I was paranoid.

Who are these people?

This is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane,

my father, Martin,

and his home care
specialist, Daphne Moon.

Oh, goodness!

You've seen quite a bit of
mayhem in your day, haven't you?

Excuse me?

Well, you see, I can
sense these things.

I'm a bit psychic.

Oh, wait. I'm
getting a flash now.

Did you have a grandfather

with a steel plate in his head?

This lunatic who's been calling
you... any particular accent?

No. No.

You have a security
system in this place?

DAPHNE: We don't
need a security system.

We've got Eddie here.

Hello, Eddie.

Don't let him fool you.

You laid a hand on me,

you'd have a bite in your
butt the size of a tennis ball!

And Eddie would
go for your ankles.

My, look at the time.
Shouldn't we be going?

You'd better let me
secure the elevator.

Wait here and don't
open the door for anyone.

Ah! By the way, Dr. Crane,

I'll need to know
your blood type,

location of the
nearest trauma center,

and a list of any family members

who'd be willing
to donate organs.

Just so you know, Frasier, I
have unusually small kidneys.

( phone rings)

Hello. Crane residence.

I think it's her.

Niles, call Cindy.

MARTIN: Put her on speaker!

Hello?

Hi. I know you're in a hurry,

but I just wanted
to let you know

I'll be wearing a
bright red dress tonight.

Kari?

But don't worry.

You won't have to
find me. I'll find you.

Bye.

Kari, wait!

( dial tone)

( click)

Oh, don't let it bother you so.

Come on, let's go.

Quite frankly, I find
it hard to imagine

a woman with such
a sweet little voice

being dangerous.

Does the name "Squeaky
Fromme" mean anything to you?

( crowd murmuring)

All right, I'm seeing a
lot of red dresses here,

so let's go over
some ground rules.

Don't go anywhere alone.

If you have to go to the
men's room, go with a buddy

and keep your back
to the wall at all times.

That's gonna take some
marksmanship right there.

Don't move, but
I think I see her.

Red dress, standing by the bar.

She's staring at every
man who comes in here,

but she's hiding her
face behind a program.

FRASIER: Oh.

That is my producer Roz.

She's harmless.
She just has a...

a pimple on her nose.

Looks like some
kind of biblical plague!

Roz, Roz, over here!

Oh, give me that.

You look beautiful.

Come join us.

Hi. I'm Cindy Carruthers.

Hi.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Roz. Hi, Roz.

Oh! Stop that!

Now, Roz, listen,
you look terrific.

You've done a wonderful little
job with your problem there.

It's practically
disappeared, yeah.

Whoa, Roz!

Won't you guide
my sleigh tonight?

Oh!

And who's this lovely lady?

Cindy Carruthers.

Be careful.

She has a concealed weapon.

Makes two of us.

MARTIN: He's not kidding.

She's his bodyguard.

Hey, how'd you like to check
out a body worth guarding?

If I move my thumb a quarter
of an inch, I could kill you.

Whoa! I've never been
so turned on in my life!

Ow, ow, ow! Okay, let me go.

So, can I call you?

Geez.

You know, I wish this woman
would just make her move.

I hate this looking over my
shoulder, thinking it could be anyone.

At least you know she's
wearing a red dress.

Maybe.

What do you mean "maybe"?

Well, I'm no
professional bodyguard,

but if I was some loony-tune
looking to whack a guy,

you know, maybe I
just wouldn't tell the truth

about what I was wearing.

No offense to your father,

but I think you should stick to
looking for a woman in a red dress.

Here we are, good as new.

CINDY: Well,

should we all head
up to the ballroom?

All right.

Help me! Oh.

Niles, just hear me out on this.

Doesn't it seem curious to you

that Cindy was so quick
to dismiss Dad's theory?

Cindy, who is not
wearing a red dress?

Frasier, you can't
think that she's the...

Well, she couldn't be...

But how could...

Think about it!

She was conveniently
out of the apartment

at precisely the moment
the stalker phoned.

So she was.

And we know she
has a cellular phone.

That's how she
called for the cars!

Yes! But if it is Cindy, why
hasn't she made her move?

Maybe she's waiting
to get you alone!

Ah, too many red
dresses in there.

We'll take our own elevator.

Well, well.

Don't be nervous.

Oh, I'm not nervous.

I'm... just a little chilly.

It's a cold night.

You should have worn a scarf.

Yes, I suppose I should have.

Believe me, I meant to. Honest.

Uh... where is that elevator?

You know, I asked
for this assignment.

The truth is, I'm, uh,
quite a fan of yours,

but I guess you
figured that out already.

Oh, my God!

What?

There!

Where?

There behind the bar!

Oh!

( panting and sighing)

Frasier Crane?

I've been waiting for this
moment for a long time.

I'm your number one fan.

( screams)

( gasps)

( heavy thud)

( elevator bell rings)

Roz! Roz! Find Cindy!

Help me, please. Get him off me!

Frasier, are you insane?!

This is Mrs. Littlejohn, the head
of the nomination committee!

Cornelia Littlejohn?

This is a small world.

I know your brother Aubrey.

Oh, for God's sake,
help the lady up!

Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mrs. Littlejohn.

You see, it's just
that I've been stalked

by this woman named Kari,

and when you said that
you'd been waiting for me, I...

To get an autograph
for my niece!

Oh. Well, who's got a pen?

Thank you, no!

ROZ: Let's hope we win this year

because we're not getting
nominated next year.

NILES: Roz, are you doing
something different with your hair?

What happened? Why
did you run away from me?

I'll tell you what happened.

Paranoia has turned
me into a crazy person!

First I thought you
were the stalker,

then I thought she
was the stalker!

You know, I've
had enough of this!

I'm going to confront
this thing face-to-face.

Everyone! I will
be in the lobby.

Frasier, just calm
down now. Dad, please.

I will be in the lobby!

You're Kari, aren't you?

H-How did you know?

You made a scarf
just like that for Frasier.

He's my son.

I-I think there's been a
big misunderstanding.

I'm just a fan. I never
meant to frighten him.

Well, what about that
note about the last guy

who didn't wear the scarf
ending up in his grave?

Oh, that meant my
husband, Walter.

He caught pneumonia.

I-I won't bother
your son anymore.

Could you just tell
him what happened?

I'll be glad to explain,

and if I'm lucky,
he won't understand

and I'll have to
explain all over again.

I'm sure he'll understand.

That's the one thing
about your son, Mr. Crane...

He's so smart and level-headed.

What's she been smoking?

( elevator bell rings)

FRASIER: Well, I'm here!

You demented harpy!

Come and get me!

( door opening) Kari?

Kari?

All right, I know
you're down here,

so come on out and face me.

Not so brave anymore, huh?

You think you're tough,

but you're only tough as long
as you're hiding in the shadows.

You want to see
who's really tough?

You just come on out here!

When I said "tough,"

I was speaking clearly
in a... a rhetorical sense.

FRASIER: Would, uh... any of
you happen to have the time?

Would, uh, any of you, uh...

like the time?

( jazz plays)

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

Mercy.

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Scrambled eggs all over my face.

What is a boy to do?

Good night!