Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 18 - The Club - full transcript

Well, we've got time
for one more call.

Roz, who've we got?

We have Sid in
Bremerton on three.

Hello, Sid.

I'm listening.

( stiltedly): Hello, Dr. Crane.

I have a terrible fear
of talking on the phone

to people I do not know.

I freeze up.

It is a severe handicap

in today's fast-paced,
highly competitive world.



Sid, are you reading
what you're saying?

Uh...

( shuffling papers)

Yes, I am.

The only way I can comfortably
communicate on the phone

is to write everything out
I wish to say in advance.

Well, what if someone
asks you a question

you haven't anticipated?

SID: Uh...

( shuffling papers)

Thank you, Dr. Crane

for your most
insightful comments.

Good-bye.

Wait! Sid!



( dial tone)

Sid, if you're listening,
your insecurity is rooted

in your fear of
making a mistake.

In order to beat this thing,
you're going to have to practice.

If you work at very hard,

then, one day, you,
too, may achieve

the command and
confidence to which we all...

aspire to...

be having.

This is Dr. Frasier Crane,

wishing you good mental health.

That was a show good, Frasier.

Thank you, Roz.

Knock, knock.

Oh, Niles, what
are you doing here?

Oh, just stopped by
to see how you'd like

to go to lunch next
week at the Empire Club.

You know someone who's a member?

No, but you may.

What are you up to?

You have that smug
look you had on your face

when you found that recording

of Kirsten Flagstad's
1932 Gotterdammerung

in the discount bin.

You think I look smug now,

wait'll you see me next week.

If all goes well, my
lapel will be sagging

under the weight of a
solid gold membership pin.

You'll certainly fit right in

with all those greedy,
arrogant blue bloods

who wouldn't cross the street

to spit on the rest of us.

Don't jinx it, Roz.
I'm not in yet.

There's still the
cocktail party next week,

where they screen
prospective members

and from what I hear,
those can be grueling.

So how'd all this come about?

Oh, really, I give
the credit to Maris.

She spent five years

carefully cultivating
the right relationships

until finally, this week,
fortune smiled upon us.

Old Judge Clements
suffered a massive stroke

and, lo, a vacancy opened up.

Gives new meaning to
the phrase "a stroke of luck."

It gets better.

There are actually
two vacancies,

so my chances are doubled.

Edgar van Cortland
has been indicted

in that savings
and loan scandal.

Frasier, I think
my time has come.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

That's very generous of you,

especially knowing you've always

dreamed of a
membership yourself.

A lesser man would be jealous.

You're not,

are you?

Not at all.

Did I mention

they have a planetarium
on the third floor?

So?

I think my work here is done.

So Niles is getting
into the Empire Club?

It would appear so.

More power to him.

After all, he deserves
to have lunch

in that private dining room

and read the Wall Street Journal

in that fabled mahogany library.

It's eating you
up inside, isn't it.

Like a carnivorous bacteria.

If he gets into that club,

I should too!

Well, what if I happen to
know someone very high up,

who could probably get you
invited to that cocktail party?

Oh, Roz, don't toy with me.

Mr. Strickland, please.

Just tell him it's Roz.

Walter Strickland Jr.?

Senior. Roz, how did you

ever get to know
someone so important?

The less you know,
the happier you'll be.

Whoa! I think I need
more comfortable shoes!

My dogs are killing me.

Pardon?

My dogs. My feet.

What do you call
them in England?

Well, we mostly call our body
parts by their rightful names.

Except me Uncle Harold.

He named parts of his
anatomy after the royal family.

He walked on the queen's pins.

He sat on the Duchess of Kent.

He was quite a jolly fellow.

That is, until Aunt Kate

caught him introducing
the Prince of Wales

to a cocktail waitress.

Daphne, are you
almost finished with that?

Yes, I am, Dr. Crane.

You'll have the handsomest
midriff at the club tonight.

Thank you.

I hope my date concurs.

Who are you taking
to that shindig?

Dr. Susan Anderson.

She's as boring
as unbuttered toast

but she's a brilliant physician

and been socially
well-connected.

Isn't Niles a little ticked off

at you horning in
on his big party?

Oh, yes, he was at first,

but then I convinced him

that we could be of
help to each other.

If we work together, we
can secure both vacancies.

Boy, you and Niles.

It's been the same
since you were kids.

If one of you has something,

the other one always
has to have it, too.

( doorbell rings)

I had to buy two Balinese lutes,

two decoupage kits,
two pairs of lederhosen...

When you finally
moved out of the house,

that was one
embarrassing garage sale.

Hello, Niles.

Ready to go?

No. Actually, I'm
still waiting on Susan.

She's at the hospital.

Where's Maris?

She stayed in the Mercedes,

practicing her vivacious giggle.

Let's go over our strategy.

I've prepared a crib sheet

on each person on the
membership committee.

There you are.

Mm-hmm... "School ties,

business affiliations,
hobbies, mistresses."

Yes. Ah.

Oh, oh, oh, now, I've
also done some research

on our competition,

and, frankly, I don't
think we have to worry.

One of them flies coach.

( chuckling)

We're as good as in.

Yes. Yes.

Unless...

Oh, Niles, I just had the
most terrifying thought.

Hmm?

What if some other candidate

has gone to the trouble

of researching the
skeletons in our own closet?

Ooh!

Damn it!

Well, that's as bad as it gets.

I wouldn't be so sure.

I don't think the
membership committee

would look kindly on
your being arrested

for mooning President
Nixon at the campaign rally.

I was young and firm

and in love with an anarchist.

Besides, that's pretty minor

compared to your
suicide attempt.

It was not a legitimate attempt.

I only stepped
out onto that ledge

to get Lilith's attention.

( phone rings)

Oh, you know, Frasier,
perhaps Maris and I

should head on over without you.

We can't have the
other candidates

getting a leg up on us.

Oh, oh, that's a
good idea, Niles.

I'll see you there.
All right. Bye, Dad.

MARTIN: Good luck. Thanks.

Hello.

Oh, Susan, Susan.

Oh, my goodness,
I've been expecting you.

Are you in the car?

Oh, no.

You're still at the hospital?

Well, of course I understand.

You were a sweetheart to
agree to go in the first place.

Well, I'll call you tomorrow.

Fat chance.

Stood you up, huh?

This is disastrous.

Well, just go stag.

No! I've RSVP'd for two.

I'll look like some loser who
couldn't even scrape up a date.

Wait a minute. What
are we worried about?

We got

our very own Cinderella
right under this roof.

Well! That's the last time

I try to get grout up without
wearing rubber gloves.

I've got so much
gunk under me nails

I look like I've
been worming a pig.

Trust me, the English
accent will sell it.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

Oh, it's everything

I ever imagined it
would be and more.

What's that smell, Dr. Crane?

That's power.

Oh, Daphne, listen,
call me Frasier.

I don't want people to know
that you work for me, all right?

If they ask, we've been
dating for six months.

All right, Frasier.

Anything else, Frasier?

Now, are we in love

or is this just a
physical thing, Frasier?

Oh, now just stop that!

Oh, Niles. Niles.

How goes the chase?

Brilliantly.

Daphne.

Evening, Dr. Crane.

What are you doing here?

Oh, Frasier takes me everywhere,

don't you, sweetheart?

I think I'll go sample
some of the hors d'oeuvres.

Back in a minute, darling.

"Sweetheart"? "Darling"?

Listen, my date canceled.

Daphne's filling in, all right?

You can't honestly think

that I would end up
going out with Daphne.

Well, you are a man.

She is a goddess.

Whose bedroom is, after all,
only 41 steps from your own.

On a completely unrelated
topic, where's Maris?

The last I saw,
she was apologizing

to one of the other
candidate's wives.

Apparently, Maris bumped

an entire chafing
dish of crab meat

into the poor
woman's decolletage.

Accidents will happen. Yes.

As long as they keep the
hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.

( chuckling): Exactly.

( gasping): My God!

Niles, feel this leather.

Oh! I have had
pudding stiffer than this.

Oh, Frasier, Kenneth Spencer.

Yes, Niles, I'm sure
it was very satisfying

being Phi Beta Kappa
at Yale, but surely

you would have been happier

to wear the orange
and black of Princeton.

Of course, anyone who's
anyone went to Princeton.

Excuse me. I'm Kenneth Spencer.

I couldn't help
but overhear you.

As it happens, I
went to Princeton.

Oh, no!

What are the odds?

Allow me. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.

This is my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane,

the eminent psychiatrist.

My brother is too kind.

He was already eminent

when my eminence
was merely imminent.

Here, try this caviar, Frasier.

Thanks.

I'm sorry it took so long

but I met the most charming
gentleman, Edgar van Cortland.

Van Cortland!

I thought he lost his
membership in the S & L scandal.

Actually, he was
acquitted of all charges

and reinstated in the club.

Oh. He was innocent!

No. Just acquitted.

( both laughing)

So, does that mean that
there's only one membership?

Yes. Oh, but not to worry.

If one of you
should be selected,

you can always bring
the other along as a guest.

Well, if only one of us

can be honored
with a membership,

I hope it will be you, Frasier.

That's a very noble sentiment.

Well, I know how
much it means to him.

We can't risk another
splashy suicide attempt.

That's very amusing, Niles,

using humor to defuse
a tense situation.

I'm sure that stood
you in good stead

when you were in prison
for threatening the president.

Oh, ho...

MAN: Kenneth.

Kenneth.

Excuse me.

( indistinct bickering)

Oh, stop it!

Do you intend to stand
here running each other down

and ruin both your chances?

No. No.

Of course, you're right.

Thank you.

Cocktails, gentlemen?

Oh. Yes. I'd like two
ounces of your best

18-year-old lowland
single-malt scotch.

There's a discriminating choice.

Yes. My brother has
an extensive knowledge

of fine wines and spirits,

undoubtedly acquired
during the years

he was shacked
up with a barmaid.

Niles...

So my mom says,
"How come you never

bring your boyfriends
out to meet me?"

And I say, "Mom, the plane trip
to Wisconsin takes four hours,

and that's longer than most
of my relationships last."

Oh, there's Niles.

Don't look at him.

Pretend we don't even see him.

Real mature, Frasier.

Thanks to that backstabber,

I will never get
to say the phrase

I've been rehearsing
for a lifetime:

"If you need me,
I'll be at my club."

Frasier, this is so boring.

Don't you both owe
each other an apology?

Well, yes!

But I was the first to
apologize last time.

Oh, wait.

That means it's his turn.

Oh, goody. I can
be mature about this.

Niles.

Frasier.

After last night's behavior

I believe an
apology is in order.

I agree.

Well?

"Well" what?

It's your turn.

I apologized first last time.

No, you didn't.

I did so!

I distinctly remember.

It was after that shouting match

at the Monet exhibit.

I had my secretary
leave a heartfelt apology

with your service.

So you did.

That means it is my turn again.

Damn.

I'm sorry. Me, too.

Oh, Niles... It was my fault.

I was dreadful. No,
it was all my fault.

I started the whole
thing. I'm a terrible person.

I can't believe we turned
on each other like that.

It was embarrassing.

My only excuse
is that all of my life,

I have dreamed of
belonging to an exclusive club

like the Empire.

Even as a child,

when I formed clubs
with my teddy bears,

there were always two or
three who didn't make the cut.

( phone ringing)

Hello.

Yes, this is Dr. Crane.

It's the club.

Yes?

I see.

Well, thank you
for considering me.

If you'd care to
speak to my brother,

he's right here.

Be gracious.

Hello.

Yes, I see.

Thank you very much
for calling, and, uh...

good-bye.

Don't let it get you down.

We got along fine
without them before

and we'll get along fine now.

We are getting along
without them, aren't we?

Niles...

Oh, my God.

You got in.

Congratulations.

I'd better go break
the news to Maris.

Believe me, Niles,

your getting
passed over like this

has drained every
drop of joy from this.

Thank you.

You're a good brother.

Yes! I got in!

I got in! I got...

Shout it from the rooftops!

Lattes for everyone!

This is the proudest
day of my life!

Of course...

what really matters is family.

Beg...

Come on, boy.

We've been working on this.

You can do it.

Beg?

Sit.

Good boy.

Dad, what are you doing?

I'm teaching Eddie a new trick.

With my $26-a-pound
imported prosciutto?

Ah! Wait'll you
see it. It's worth it.

Not unless he can sing
the love duet from Tosca.

Where are you going?

Down to the Empire Club.

I've come to a moral decision.

I'm going to insist that they
give Niles my membership.

Wow! That's a hell of a gesture.

Yes, well, I put
myself in Niles' place.

After all, he's spent
the last 15 years

diligently trying to climb
Seattle's social ladder.

Then I waltz in,

and within two years, I'm
known throughout the city.

To top it all off,

I end up grabbing the
prize he's wanted most of all.

It just isn't fair.

You're a good kid, Frasier.

Thank you, Dad.

I might as well say
this while I still can.

If anyone needs me...

I'll be at my club.

DAPHNE: Oh, yes,

the club.

The club that I
helped you get into.

Of course, now that
you're done with me,

I'm just cast aside.

Unappreciated,
unloved and forgotten.

Yes, well,

I see the prosciutto

isn't the only imported
ham in the house.

Give me your shirt.

I'm not going down
without a full load.

Have you got anything white?

Yeah, but you're
not getting 'em.

( doorbell rings)

Hello, Dr. Crane.

Hello, Daphne.

Hello, Dad.

Niles.

Just passed Frasier in the hall.

Where was he off to?

He went to the club.

( feigning laughter)

No wonder he was evasive.

I hope you don't
mind my stopping by,

I just had to get
out of the house

and, Lord knows, I
had no place else to go.

You know, Niles,

you may get into that club yet.

( half-hearted laugh)

What are you talking about?

That's why Frasier
went down there,

to tell them to
give his spot to you.

Dad, is this one
of your sick jokes?

Well, I thought you'd be happy.

He's giving up his
own membership.

What exactly did you think
I would be happy about?

This is humiliating.

My big brother going down
there to make them take me?!

Well, his heart's
in the right place.

You could show
a little gratitude.

Dad, they made their decision.

They didn't take me
on my own merits;

I certainly don't want
them to take me out of pity.

I don't care if
they invite me now.

I don't even care if they beg!

( whimpering)

Good boy!

Excuse me.

Uh... is the club
president here?

Yes, Dr. Crane,
Mr. Drake is over there.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Mr. Drake? Yes?

Dr. Frasier Crane.

Oh, yes, of course.

The new blood. Please sit down.

Thank you.

Sir, I've come here on a
matter of personal business.

It's about my brother
Niles, you see.

Niles is a sort of...

Oh.

Oh, my God.

This leather's as soft
as a baby's bottom.

Yes, on family night,
we bring the babies in

and do a blindfold
comparison test.

That's a joke, Crane.

Yes, indeed.

Darn good one too, sir.

As I was saying,
although my brother

may seem a bit
priggish at times,

believe me, he's one of the
most discriminating people

I've ever known.

In fact, I... I think
you'd be hard-pressed

to find a bigger snob
in this room, I mean...

Excuse me, sir.

I thought you might
enjoy a glass of port.

1896?

What are you

trying to say, Crane?

Glad to be aboard, sir.

No.

No.

No, I came down
here to... simply say

that my... brother deserves
membership more than I do,

and I would like to
step down in his favor.

Are you serious?

Yes. Yes, I am.

After all, blood is
thicker than port.

I stand corrected.

Let me be candid
with you, Crane.

We all liked your brother

but some were quite firm
about accepting anybody

in the entertainment business.

I'm afraid "radio psychiatrist"
falls into that category.

Radio psychiatrist? But Niles...

Mr. Drake, there's
been a terrible mistake.

No, Frasier, there hasn't.

Niles!

Dad told me you would be here,

trying to get me into
your snooty little club.

Well, you needn't bother.
Niles, you don't understand...

Oh, no, you don't understand.

You don't need to be
the big brother anymore.

I don't need you
to fight my battles.

But Niles...

No, butt out!

Okay.

And as for you,

you've made it quite clear
how you feel about me

so I'd like to share
how I feel about you.

I'd sooner spend my leisure
time in a smelly bus station

than spend one moment
with you smug, elitist bigwigs

with your cliched
oriental carpets

and your overstuffed chairs...

My God, it's like
a baby's bottom!

You can't reject me,
because I reject you.

Yes, I'm talking to you, fuzzy.

I prefer to remain

Niles Crane, Everyman...

Friend of the Average Joe.

FRASIER: Niles,

they got our names mixed up.

I didn't get in, you did.

What?

It was you they
wanted all along.

Really?

I'm in?

Good God, don't
just stand there, man.

Fetch me some
port and step lively.

Will you escort
these gentlemen out?

Oh, no, no, no, no, you
can't think that I meant

all those things that
I was saying before.

Excuse me, sir, I'm afraid

I must ask you to leave.

( groans)

You and who else?

Ah.

FRASIER: Niles, come along.

We don't need this club.

Let us leave with the
dignity with which we came.

But-but, no, there's-there's
been a misunderstanding.

I do want to be one of you.

Perhaps you could
put me on probation.

I could just come part-time.
Perhaps afternoons?

Or just one afternoon.
Thursday's a slow day.

Or you can pick the day.

I wouldn't even have
to talk to anyone.

I could just sit in a
chair and not say a word.

Please, please, please!

Oh, let me stay! I belong here!

♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues a-callin' ♪

♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ Oh, mercy ♪

♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪

♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪

( laughing)

♪ But I don't know what to do ♪

♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪

♪ They're callin' again. ♪

Frasier has left the building.