Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 17 - Daphne's Room - full transcript
Maris has turned 40, and Niles is beside himself on what to do. Respecting her wishes to not celebrate her Birthday, has made her upset. After Frasier and Martin's suggestions for gifts seem unable to work, Niles decides to throw a costume ball. Meanwhile, Frasier is trying to find a book the Station Manager loaned him. Martin suggests that maybe Daphne has it, and Frasier goes to her room door. Finding it ajar, and Daphne not inside, he goes looking for the book. After browsing around the room (and even coming upon a picture of Daphne with Prince Charles!), he finds his book. He is also examining a bottle of pills just as Daphne walks in. Quickly pocketing the bottle, Frasier apologizes about being in her room, and quickly beats a hasty retreat. Niles later returns for dinner, where he and Martin note Daphne acting a little more 'hostile' towards Frasier than usual. Frasier explains to them that he entered Daphne's room without her permission. While Niles begins to let his imagination wander, Martin chastises his son for what he did. Frasier then goes to Daphne to apologize after dinner, and she forgives him. However, after this, Frasier realizes he still has the medication he picked up in her room. Frasier attempts to put the bottle back while Daphne tries to get Martin to do his exercises. However, Martin refuses, and Daphne heads for her room, causing Frasier to hide in her closet. He attempts to leave while she's in the shower, but when he hears her address someone in the room (actually Eddie, drinking from her toilet), Frasier comes out of the closet to apologize, freaking out Daphne, and causing him to run from the room. The next day at Cafe Nervosa, Niles and Frasier meet. Niles is in good spirits, as Maris seems to have gotten over her depressive funk. The secret? Niles has bought her a brand-new Mercedes. Frasier chastises his Brother for 'bribing' his wife, and explains about Daphne catching him in her room again. Frasier claims he left an apology note, but is still unsure just what to do. Niles suggests bribery, but Frasier claims he's above such things. Coming home, Frasier is given a lecture by Martin, who says that Daphne is threatening to quit. When he attempts to apologize to Daphne, she refuses to accept, when Frasier then agrees to pay for a room makeover. Daphne reconsiders upon this, and decides to head out. As she does so, she runs into Niles coming into the apartment. Telling him about the room makeover, Niles of course shoots a glance to his brother, who seems to have rethought his principles. After Daphne leaves, Niles pours himself a glass of wine, and the brothers continue to bicker over Frasier's decision, before Niles rushes for Daphne's room. Jumping in and out of the room ('Trouble. Safe. Trouble. Safe. Trouble. Safe!'), Frasier attempts to stop him, causing Niles to spill his wine in Daphne's room. Frasier attempts to clean up the mess, telling Niles that the room makeover was the thing that was keeping Daphne from quitting Niles attempts to help, but not before Martin and Eddie find the two, who then enter the room. Just then, Daphne returns to get something, and finds all four, with her room in a state of disrepair. The final scene shows Frasier with Daphne on a car lot, where she's trying out a Ford Mustang Convertible. Frasier attempts to get her to consider a compact nearby, but Daphne coaxes him into buying the Convertible, as she notes there's a Mercedes Dealership across the street.
Daphne?
Anybody home?!
( playing Mozart Sonata)
( playing intro to
"Great Balls of Fire")
( "Great Balls of Fire" intro)
♪ You shake my nerves
and you rattle my brain ♪
♪ Too much love
drives a man insane ♪
♪ Oh, what a thrill ♪
♪ Just what a thrill ♪
♪ Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire! ♪
( Mozart Sonata playing)
MARTIN: I still
think you're making
too big a deal out of this.
Dad, I have never
seen Maris this angry.
I swear, her eye was twitching
like a frog in a
science experiment.
Well, when your mother
would get mad at me,
I'd just grab her, bend her
backwards and give her a kiss
that made her glad
she was a woman.
I can't do that with Maris.
She has abnormally
rigid vertebrae.
She'd snap like a twig.
Let me guess.
Maris has moved into
the east wing again.
Sunday was her 40th birthday.
She said in no uncertain terms,
she wanted no
acknowledgment of it whatsoever,
and in a moment I live
over and over in my dreams,
I believed her.
What, no gifts? No
party? No nothing?
Say that weeping
into an ermine lap robe
and you've got
her down perfectly.
Why don't you just get her
a nice bottle of perfume?
She gets hives.
How about candy?
Hypoglycemic.
Then just get her a dozen roses.
Allergic.
FRASIER: Well, listen, Niles.
Why don't you just sit her down
and have a little talk with her?
Tell her it was a mistake.
We've all noticed she's
a bit touchy about her age
even though it's not the
first time she's turned 40.
I know! I'll throw a great big
party for her this weekend.
It will be a costume ball
with a Louis Quatorze theme,
right down to the powdered wigs
and the crushed
velvet pantaloons!
May I presume you're both
coming down with colds?
( coughing) ( coughing)
And so it goes.
Listen, Dad, you didn't happen
to find a book of mine
lying around, did you?
The station manager
loaned it to me.
I promised I'd return it today.
What's it called?
The Life and Times of Sir
Herbert Beerbohm Tree.
It's a stunningly witty
history of the English theater.
Oh, okay.
You caught me.
I got it hidden under my pillow!
Dad, you could at least
try to be a little helpful.
I promised him
I'd return it today.
Well, ask Daphne
when she comes in.
She was looking for something
to put her to sleep last night.
That book sounds like it
could put her into a coma.
Dr. Crane!
Daphne.
What are you doing in my room?
Oh, well, I... I-I
thought you were out.
Oh, Not that make a habit of
coming in here when you're out.
It's just that...
Well, I thought, well...
I came in to get my book
which I have, you'll see.
( laughs nervously)
Here. Well, we'll just be going.
Me and my book.
See Frasier go.
Nadia, you tell Mrs.
Crane I want to speak to her
and don't take no for an answer!
Well, then, Nadia,
you tell her that Dr. Crane says
please, please, please, please,
please, please...
Maris hung up on you, huh?
No. Now she's got
Nadia doing her dirty work.
Nadia is Maris's hatchet maid.
What happened to that
Louis-the-French-guy birthday party?
Disaster there, too.
Maris reminded me that an...
an entire branch of her family tree
was slaughtered
by the Huguenots.
Niles, let's just
forget about Maris
for the time being,
shall we? Sit down, relax
and a nice meal in a
convivial atmosphere.
( slams board down)
What is she mad about?
Beats me!
Here's your favorite, Mr. Crane:
creamed onions.
And Dr. Crane, I made
me special glazed carrots
just for you.
Thank you.
You... carve!
Well, we don't know
what she's mad at,
but we sure as hell know who!
If anyone needs me,
I'll be eating in me room.
You know where that is!
What did you do?
This morning I went
into her bedroom.
Frasier, how could you?!
No matter how irresistible
the urge to venture
down that hallway,
to press your face
against that door,
to... actually
feel the grain of the
wood against your cheek,
it must be fought,
it must be fought!
FRASIER: Oh, Niles!
I simply went in there
to retrieve my book.
You're not supposed
to go in there.
What's the big deal?
Do you ever see her
leave her door open?
She doesn't like
people going in there.
She goes into my
room all the time.
It doesn't bother me.
Women are different.
That is sexism talking.
No, that's 35 years
of marriage talking.
Women protect their privacy.
You know how they are
about their handbags.
You never go in there!
So it's "Bring me my purse."
The husband could say,
"Honey, I'm being robbed.
"The guy's holding
a gun to my head
and I don't have any money."
The wife would say,
"Bring me my purse."
Dad, as usual, your
simple, homespun wisdom
has pricked the balloon
of Frasier's pomposity.
Now, you were wrong,
so go on in there and apologize.
Go on.
Oh, all right.
I'll go into Daphne's room,
and I will apologize to her.
Alone, Niles!
Yes?
Daphne, it's Dr. Crane.
Yes!
Could you open the door, please?
I, uh...
I behaved very insensitively
this morning, and...
I did need the book,
but it was wrong of me to
go in without your permission.
And I'm sorry.
And it-it'll never happen again.
Ever.
I'm being very nice.
Well, good night, Daphne.
Oh... wait.
I'm being much too hard on you.
I'm just a little sensitive
about me privacy.
Oh, look, there's
no need to explain.
I promise you, it will
never be an issue again.
Well, thank you for
being so understanding.
I suppose me problem
goes back to growing up
in a household of boys.
Me brothers were all snoops.
They never gave me
a moment's peace.
Oh, it was a filthy
little rite of passage
for the Moon boys.
When they reached a certain age,
they'd sneak into the bathroom
and peek at me in the shower.
Oh, dear God! All eight of them?
Well...
except for me brother Billy,
the ballroom dancer.
He never peeked at me...
though he did peek
at me brother Nigel.
( refrigerator door opens)
Coffee, Dad?
Why not?
I'm up six times a night anyway.
I might as well be alert.
( disposal humming)
Oh, geez, the disposal's jammed!
Yeah, stick your hand down there
and see what's stuck, will you?
Dad, it's me, Niles.
I can't get my hand in there.
Oh, all right, punish a
man for being fine-boned.
Are you sure it's off?
Positive.
Uh-uh-uh!
Move away from the switch.
Geez.
Oh-ho,
it's wet and slimy
and God knows what,
it's like sticking my hand
into the mouth of hell.
( high-pitched
buzzing) (yelling)
Give me a call
when the coffee's ready.
Yes.
Sorry, Niles.
Thank God.
That's enough
excitement for one evening.
I'm going home to Maris.
I thought she wasn't
speaking to you.
She's not, but she grows weary
of being frosty to the help.
Oh, by the way, I'm out of cash.
I need something to tip
your garage attendant.
Ah. Oh, great. What?
These pills.
I was thinking money, but
you know him better than I do.
No, no.
Daphne's prescription.
I was in her room earlier.
I must have inadvertently...
knocked them into my pocket.
It's an interesting phenomenon.
I can't walk through a drugstore
without aspirin and decongestant
leaping into my trousers.
Okay, okay.
I was... snooping
around a little bit.
Oh, dear God!
"Take one before bedtime."
Oh, no, she's sure
to miss these tonight.
( door opens)
Oh, you're heading
off, Dr. Crane?
Yes, yes, I am.
Say hello to your wife.
I'll certainly try.
Mr. Crane!
Time for your exercises!
Oh, great! This is my chance.
I'll just sneak back there and
put these back into her room.
Alone, Niles!
MARTIN: The Sonics game's on.
I'll do my exercises tomorrow.
DAPHNE: Fine. If you
need me, I'll be in my room.
DAPHNE: You're doing
a double set tomorrow.
MARTIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Grumpy old sod!
( Daphne humming "Blue Danube")
( faucet running)
( continues humming)
( humming "Blue Danube")
Mmm!
( humming "Blue Danube")
( humming "Blue Danube")
( humming "Blue Danube")
( continues humming)
( humming "Blue Danube")
( continues humming)
( still humming)
( shower running)
( humming "Blue Danube")
What are you doing?
That's disgusting,
you filthy thing!
Get out of here
right now! Get out!
Daphne, I'm so sorry.
( screaming)
( yelling)
Good morning, Frasier.
Cara mia, uno mezzo
latte decaffinato.
And a bran muffin.
No. No.
Due bran muffins.
Maris and I burned up a
lot of energy last night...
A lot of energy!
I have to replenish my body.
( chuckles)
I assume you and Maris
achieved détente.
Twice.
What magic words did you
use to melt your little glacier?
When I got home,
I sat her down and I
stared deeply into her eyes,
and I said, "Maris, here are
the keys to your new Mercedes."
You bought her a Mercedes.
Yes! Oh, the things
that tiny woman can do
when she's properly motivated!
If you're through marinating
in your own testosterone,
I have a problem.
Remember last night I went
back into Daphne's room?
Well, she caught me again.
You're joking!
God, I was just so embarrassed
that I had to leave this
morning before she woke up.
I left a little note, trying
to explain my actions.
Considering the circumstances,
I don't think there's any
way she can forgive me.
Oh, come now, it
wasn't as bad as all that.
It's not like you saw
her naked or something.
You did!
I took no pleasure in it at all.
The entire thing was...
was just absolutely mortifying.
Frasier, I want to help you
with this, so you have to tell me
everything, every
sight, every sound.
Frasier, unburden
yourself before you explode.
No, Niles, no!
All right, then,
I'll show you how I've
always imagined her
and you tell me where I'm wrong.
( muttering)
Hey, guys.
Hello, Roz. Hello.
Good to see you.
So, Niles, you randy dog,
you got lucky last night
didn't you?
I can always tell.
Oh, don't worry,
you'll meet somebody.
Oh...
Can I have a nonfat cap, please?
Roz, this was a
private conversation.
I'm helping my brother with
a matter of some delicacy.
Yes. Don't worry.
Shower boy told me all about it.
Yeah, mm.
I just don't see there's any way
I can make this up to Daphne.
Well, nothing says I'm sorry
like an in-dash CD player
and a passenger-side airbag.
Yes, Maris was upset with Niles,
so he bought her a Mercedes.
Wow!
If you're suggesting that I
buy my way out of my problem,
the answer is no! It's
the coward's way out.
Oh, so I'm a coward?
Yes!
Well, I'm a coward
with a hickey.
Buy me a Mercedes
and I'll make your neck look
like a relief map of the Andes.
Roz, don't encourage him.
I happen to think that
bribery is the wrong way
for couples to
resolve their conflicts.
Oh, really? During which
of your failed marriages
did you hone that theory?
Oh, how dare you... Ooh...
considering the non-marriage
that you're involved in every...
( door opens)
Oh, Dr. Crane,
I'm glad to see you!
I need some advice.
I've got this son
who's a total numbnut.
Hello, Dad.
Love your ice-breaker.
You'd better get
her to stay, Frasier.
She knows my moods, she knows
how to handle me, and I like her.
She's talking about quitting?
Yes, so get in
there and apologize!
Oh, Dad... Dad, I
can't go in there.
No, of course you can't,
because I asked
you to go in there.
When I said,
"Don't go in there,"
what did you do? You went in.
Now I say, "Go in
there," so you won't!
That's what I like about Eddie.
He always does what I
tell him to. Come on, Eddie.
He's defying you, too, Dad!
Oh, Daphne, Daphne,
please, please, wait.
Uh, we've got to talk.
I-I feel absolutely terrible.
Oh, now, Dr. Crane, your
note explained everything.
You've got nothing
to feel bad about.
Oh, well, that puts
my mind at ease.
A servant like me doesn't
deserve privacy anyway.
Matter of fact, why don't we
just get it all out in the open?
Oh, no, oh...
Here's me bank book,
some personal letters,
oh, and me driver's license.
As you can see, I'm four pounds
heavier now, but it's in a spot
that doesn't really
show... to most people.
Oh. Look, Daphne, I realize
how hard it is to live in
someone else's home.
Yes, it is, but I put up with it
because I happen
to love this job.
All I ever asked for
was one room,
a little corner I
could call me own.
I never minded that I
was up to me eyeballs
in your-your
precious earth tones
and your African knickknacks,
but now I have to put
up with you in there, too,
and that's one leering
love God too many!
Oh, Daphne!
Daphne, you're absolutely right!
You do deserve a
place of your own.
Listen, if you agree to stay,
I'll, I'll pay to have
your room redecorated.
Just make it your
own... Paint, wallpaper,
upholstery,
anything you'd like...
Just so that you'll
feel comfortable.
How about an electrified
fence and a German police dog?
Daphne, I promise, as long as
we live under the
same roof together,
I will never, ever set
foot in your room again.
All right.
Oh, thank you.
I'll give it another try.
( doorbell rings)
Hello, all.
Oh, Niles! Hello, Dr. Crane.
Good-bye, Dr. Crane.
Oh, where are you off to?
Oh, I have some shopping to do.
Your brother just offered
to pay to have me room
redecorated.
Oh, really?
I'm thinking of doing the
whole thing in pinks and yellows.
Oh, dear God, she's
really determined
to keep me out of there.
So, you're putting
things right with Daphne
by opening up your checkbook.
Oh, I know what you're thinking.
Believe me, it's just a gesture.
Oh, I see.
When I give Maris
a car, it's a bribe.
When you redecorate
Daphne's room, it's a gesture.
Niles, the two situations
are entirely different.
You bought Maris off
because you are afraid of her.
Oh, I see, and you're not the
slightest bit intimidated by Daphne?
No.
Then you won't be at all alarmed
if I were to say, do this.
But... Niles! Niles,
where are you going?!
Oh, look, my foot's
in Daphne's room.
Just get out of there.
What's the matter? You
afraid you'll get in trouble?
Niles.
Now we're safe.
Oh, stop it.
Trouble. Safe.
Trouble. Safe.
Niles, you're
acting like a child.
Just get out of there.
Trouble, safe, trouble, safe.
Oh, my God! Now you
see what you've done?!
Now she's bound to find out!
Oh, God...
Oh, well, so, you'll just write
her a bigger, fatter check.
No, Niles, she'll quit!
What?! Why didn't you say...?!
Oh, you spilled
your...! Just pick it up!
( jewelry clattering)
Oh...
What the hell are
you two doing in here?!
Oh, Dad, it's all Niles's fault.
Oh, what's... oh!
Just help us, will you, please?
( Frasier muttering)
How do you... How do you fold...
Ooh...
Daphne, did you happen to see
that sporty little
subcompact over there?
I bet you could
park that anywhere.
Is that a Mercedes
dealership across the street?
( barks)
( jazz plays)
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Quite stylish.
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Well, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Good night, everybody!