Frasier (1993–2004): Season 2, Episode 16 - The Show Where Sam Shows Up - full transcript
Frasier is surprised to see Sam Malone show up in Seattle, and invites him to dinner. Sam originally says he is there to try out for a position to coach the Mariners, but soon reveals to Frasier that he ran out on a woman whom he was going to marry. Frasier suggests that Sam apologize to his fiance, and take steps to go through with the marriage, claiming honesty is a good first step. The next day, Sam flies his fiance Sheila to Seattle, and purchases honeymoon tickets to Hawaii. Frasier, Roz, and Niles meet Sam and Sheila at Cafe Nervosa, but after she leaves, Frasier confesses to Roz and Niles that he had slept with Sheila 3 months prior while attending a conference in Boston. Frasier then goes to visit Sheila, who confesses to him that she's a sexual-compulsive, and that she had slept with several other men (though she doesn't name who). Frasier is about to leave when Sam shows up. Telling Sheila that he wants their marriage to be one about honesty (as Frasier said) he feels they should confess if they've had any sexual relations outside of their own. Frasier attempts to leave, but Sam wants him to hear them out. Sam confesses to sleeping with a woman 6 months prior, and Sheila then confesses she's slept with someone from Cheers. Frasier grows concerned, until she confesses she slept with Paul (note: Paul was a fat, bald guy with glasses who was often chastised by the normal gang). Frasier and Sam are forgiving of this...until Sheila then confesses she also slept with Cliff Claven. This is the final straw for Sam, and he calls the wedding off. Frasier then drives Sam to the airport, with both of them still reeling from the fact that Sheila slept with Cliff.
Well, that's our show for today.
Don't forget, Bob "Bulldog"
Brisco is up next and...
Oh, yes.
This is KACL Cash Call Week.
$5,000 if you answer your
phone with the phrase that pays.
So, when your phone
rings, don't say "hello," say:
Well, blow me down!
No, no, no, no.
Just, uh, say, uh,
KACL is the talk
of the town.
Talk of Seattle,
whatever. Bye-bye.
Sam... Sam!
Hey.
Oh, my God!
Well, what are
you doing in town?
Well, actually, I'm here
interviewing for a job.
The Mariners need
a... pitching coach,
and they gave me a call.
They did? Yeah.
Oh, I mean that's great, but...
Well, come on in, come on.
This is all right?
You're off the air?
Oh, yeah, it's fine.
Fras, I got to go.
Your messages are on my desk...
Whoa.
Who is this?
I, uh...
I'm Sam Malone.
I was a buddy of
Frasier's in Boston.
Oh.
This is Roz Doyle.
So, this is the Sam Malone
you've always talked about.
The one who has
no respect for women
and treats them like dirt?
Need anyone to show
you around Seattle?
Well, you know,
to tell you the truth,
I'm all right with the city,
but I get real lost
in my hotel room.
FRASIER: Oh, boy.
Just look at the two
of you face-to-face.
I imagine wild animals
all over the Northwest
are lifting their heads,
alerted to the scent.
Good-bye, Roz.
Well, if you need any
company, give me a call.
Here's my number. Oh, thanks.
That's a snazzy card.
Yes, it glows in the dark.
So do I.
So, uh, how's
everybody at Cheers?
Yeah, oh, wow.
Uh, well, let's see...
You know that Rebecca
finally married that plumber?
Yeah.
It's ironic, isn't it?
You know, she
spends all her energy
trying to land some rich guy.
She ends up with
an ordinary plumber.
Well, yeah, that ordinary
plumber struck gold.
He's got a patent on
some low-flow toilet thing.
I mean, he's rich beyond
her wildest dreams.
Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
Well, don't be... he dumped her.
Oh...
Yeah, she's back at the bar.
Working at Cheers again?
No, she's just back at the bar.
Hey, you know, here's
some good news:
Woody and Kelly, they
had, they had a baby boy.
Oh, that is wonderful!
Is he...?
No, he's smart. He's smart.
Genetics takes a
holiday, huh? Well...
So, Sam, you want to
continue this over some lunch?
Yeah, I'd like that.
So, Norm and Cliff
still holding up the bar?
Well, Norm is, but Cliff
hasn't been in for a while.
Evidently, he read this article
about flesh-eating bacteria,
and he hasn't left his
mom's house since.
But, you know, there's a
good side to that, though,
'cause a lot of people
who haven't been
around for a while
are starting to come
back to the bar again.
Oh!
( dishes clattering)
MARTIN: Hey, Daph, Sam
was a major-league ballplayer.
Put out the good china.
Oh, yes, and while you're at it,
don't forget the
Limoges spittoon.
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
Sam Malone's the
most important person
ever to set foot
in this apartment.
I don't understand this American
obsession with sports figures.
They're all so superficial.
Yeah, it's not like they
do anything real important
like sit on a throne
or christen ships.
Hey, Niles, why didn't
you bring Maris tonight?
I'm supposed to ask
Maris to spend an evening
with a baseball player?
( chuckles)
Why don't I just ask
her to rub my shoulders?
Here we are, sir.
Whoa, wow, look at this.
Man, you got quite
a babe magnet here.
Oh, please.
Oh, Sam Malone!
Hey, I'm Marty Crane.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
Yeah, I was at the Kingdome
the night you gave up
four consecutive home runs.
I bet you remember
that, don't you?
Well, actually, I don't.
You see, that was
during my drinking phase.
Did I... Did I hit anybody?
Did I hurt them? No.
Oh. Hey, well, then,
that was a good game!
( hearty laugh)
Hey, Sam, this is my chair.
You want to sit in it?
Oh... uh, yeah,
well, maybe later.
Oh.
I'll keep it warm for you.
FRASIER: Uh, oh, Sam, this is
my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Pleasure to meet you.
Oh, yeah, you, too.
Wow. Man, this is freaky.
He looks just... just like
you did when I met you.
What happened, huh?
Wasn't exactly a health club
you were running there, Sam.
This is strange,
I got to tell you.
See, I didn't, I didn't
know he had a brother.
Frasier, I don't
mind telling you
I'm a little offended
that in all the time
you spent swapping bon
mots with the beer-nut set,
you never once mentioned
you had a brother?!
You know, the truth is,
I bet he said something.
It's just that when
Frasier gets going,
you kind of have
to tune him out.
( Martin laughs) That's a
good slogan for his radio show.
"Dr. Frasier Crane:
When he gets going,
you have to tune him out."
Hey, what did he tell
you about me, Sam?
The father, the old cop?
Uh... he told me you were dead.
Dead?
Well, we had had an argument.
You called me a stuffed shirt
and hung up on me. I was mad.
You're a cop? Yeah.
You told me he was
a research scientist.
You were dead!
What did it matter?
( clears throat)
Hello.
Oh, oh, oh, Daphne.
Daphne, this is Sam Malone.
Sam, this is Daphne Moon,
Dad's physical therapist.
Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you.
Daphne's from England.
Yeah, yeah, boy, I've
always been a sucker
for the English accent.
No matter what you say, it
always sounds so-so classy
and-and sophisticated.
( girlish giggles and
flustered gibberish)
See what I mean?
That kills me every time.
Hey, let me get that for you.
A pretty lady like
you shouldn't spend
her whole evening
in the kitchen.
( giggling): Oh!
( flustered murmuring)
Is it my imagination,
or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
Of course he's
flirting with her.
He flirts with everybody.
He can't help it, he's
a sexual compulsive.
But he's getting help
for it in a support group.
( Daphne tittering)
( chuckling)
Did he miss a meeting?
( phone rings)
Hello?
You'd like to speak
to Sam? Well...
( whispering): Who is it?
Who's calling, please?
Sheila.
Mm-mmm...
Number two.
Yes, well, he's
not here right now,
but I'm expecting him soon.
No, number two!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was mistaken.
He was here, but he... he left.
Uh... well, yes, I'll
give him the message.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Sam.
I'm a little out of practice.
So... who's Sheila?
Just the, uh, woman
I'm supposed to marry.
Marry? When?
Uh, oh, boy.
Um, yesterday.
Yesterday.
Yeah. I don't want to
talk about it, Frasier.
But Sam...
Fras, please? Just...
Oh, wow, hey, something
sure smells yummy here.
Oh, wait a second.
I think it's me.
Ooh...
( giggling)
The smell... and I thought...
( giggling)
Come on, Sam, one more.
All right, all right, let's see.
1949 Yankees, initials V.R.
Vic Raschi.
Oh, man, you're great.
You know, he's amazing.
All you have to do
is give him the city
the date and the
initials, gets it every time.
That's very similar to a
game Frasier and I play.
Oh, oh, oh, I'll go first.
1962, Prague Philharmonic,
viola section, initials C.M.
Czeslaw Mclicvic.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
No, no, no, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
Mclicvic was first
viola the year before,
but by '62, he'd
developed Rosin poisoning
and was no longer able to pluck.
Oh, damn! That's
a trick question!
MARTIN: Well, I'm off to bed.
Thanks, Sam.
The chair's all yours.
Come on.
All right.
( chuckling)
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, that's very...
that's very nice.
'Night, all.
FRASIER and Niles:
Good night, Dad.
I'll be turning in, too.
Pleasant dreams.
( chuckling): Well,
no problem there.
Well, guess I'd better be
getting back to my Maris.
If the clock strikes, 12:00,
and she hasn't felt my
kiss upon her forehead,
she gets nervous.
Sam, it's been a
pleasure meeting you.
Yeah, yeah, you, too.
Hey, listen, you want to really
put a smile on Maris's face,
here, let me tell
you what you do.
Exactly where am
I supposed to find
whipped cream and a
car battery at this hour?
You got neighbors, don't you?
Well, Sam, now that
everybody's gone,
there was something
I wanted to bring up.
I just... What, what
is it? What is it?
Oh, yes, yes, I remember!
What the hell do you mean
you were about to get married?
All right, all right.
Uh, well, I met this
girl six months ago,
and we were
supposed to get married.
And yesterday I was
standing in this church,
facing this minister,
and I hear him say,
"Will you take this
woman to be your wife?"
And I said, "Who, me?"
And the next thing you know,
I'm running down the aisle.
I didn't stop
running till I got here.
Oh, you're not in Seattle
because of the Mariners?
Believe me, no
ballplayer is in Seattle
because of the Mariners.
All right, all right,
look, look, Sam, come,
let's, let's have
a seat here and...
start this thing from
the very beginning.
Now... who is this woman?
Gosh, she's a terrific person.
She's smart, she's
funny. She's horny.
I mean, she's just
the kind of chick
you want to stick
up on a pedestal.
You know, Sam, it's
always amazed me
how you can elevate and
demean in the same sentence.
What?
Forget it, just...
Well, how do you think
she found me here? I mean...
Well, it's my guess, Sam,
that you left a lot of clues
as to where you were
because, basically,
you wanted her to find you.
I have a feeling that...
you actually... want
to marry this girl.
Yeah, I-I don't know...
Look, look, Sam, all that
happened was you panicked.
It's, it's perfectly
natural, you know.
The wedding ceremony
represents the end of your old life.
I tell you, man, she's
one in a million, you know?
You know, for most guys,
that's just an expression.
( both laughing)
You know, Sam, I... I
have a feeling that you're...
you're finally ready for
a commitment like this.
I think you ought to get
on that phone and call her.
What would I say to her, though?
Well, just tell her
you panicked and ran.
Tell her the truth.
I mean, after all,
honesty is the cornerstone
of a healthy relationship.
Hey, you know, thank you.
You know, it's time I
stepped up to the plate
and stopped acting like a kid.
Absolutely. Geez, the
only question now is,
will she still take you back?
( laughing)
Oh.
( laughs)
( crowd murmuring)
ROZ: She actually forgave him?
Yes, yes. More than that,
she's on her way here
in a plane right now.
They're gonna get
married in Hawaii.
Same old story.
Love triumphs over Roz.
Oh, Roz,
don't be a sore
loser, will you, please?
I invited them here on
their way in from the airport.
I remember my wedding day...
Standing at the altar,
feeling faint, shaky, sweating.
Maris was so distraught,
thinking I might have cold feet.
I'll never forget how
relieved she was
to learn it was just a
congenital heart murmur
that would plague me
for the rest of my life.
SAM: Hey, everybody.
Oh, Sam, Sam.
Here she is, the future
Mrs. Sam Malone.
Sheila, this is Frasier.
Hello, Frasier, it's
nice to finally meet you.
Sheila, likewise.
This is Roz and Niles.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Well, you want to sit down?
I'll get us some
coffee or something.
You know, actually, Sam,
it was sort of a long flight.
I was hoping maybe to go
back to the hotel and freshen up.
Well, all right. Whatever.
Hey, will you join us
for dinner about 8:00?
Sure. Right. Right.
Great. All right.
Well, I guess we're
off to freshen up a little.
Oh, my God.
She was cute, but she's
not an "Oh, my God."
No, no, no.
Not that "Oh, my God".
Oh, my God, I slept with
that woman three months ago.
ROZ: You slept with her?
Yes.
On what desert island
with no hope of
rescue was this?!
I was...
I was in Boston
for a long weekend.
I was feeling a
little depressed,
so I took solace in the
arms of a... a beautiful
and remarkably welcoming
young woman at a hotel bar.
And that was she?
No, Niles. I told you that
for absolutely no
reason whatsoever.
Of course it was she!
Did you see the way
she ran out of here
the minute she saw me?
Ah, yes, the trademark
of all your bedmates.
Wait a minute.
Three months ago?
Didn't Sam say they'd
been together for six months?
Well, it looks like this
horse race is on again.
Oh, put the weapon down!
Stop it, Roz!
Have you no scruples whatsoever?
You're the one who slept
with your friend's fiancée.
Well, I didn't know
that at the time!
Surely you have to
tell Sam about this.
Oh, what and ruin our
relationship as well as theirs?!
What I've got to do is actually
I've got to speak to her first.
Hear her side of this story.
I mean, there are hundreds of
reasons why people have affairs.
Roz, want to get us started?
FRASIER: Niles.
There's got to be
some explanation.
Maybe they stopped
seeing each other
for a couple of weeks.
Maybe Sam cheated on her
and she was just doing
it to get even with him.
Who knows? Maybe she just
found me completely irresistible.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Oh, all-all right.
You struck gold there, Frasier!
( knock at door)
Hello, Frasier.
Hello, Sheila.
Good to see you again.
Sam, you are one lucky guy!
He's out getting our
plane tickets. Oh, good.
Look, you have some
explaining to do, young lady!
Okay, okay. Wine?
No, thank you.
Look...
first of all, I know this
doesn't excuse what I did,
but I had no idea that
you were a friend of Sam's.
I'm a sexual compulsive.
That's... how Sam
and I met... in group.
Look...
that night I spent with you,
I guess I just kind
of fell off the wagon.
What I did was terrible.
I felt awful afterwards.
It ended up being a kind of a
a turning point for me.
That's how it is with addiction.
Before you get better,
you have to hit rock bottom.
Yes. Well... I'm glad I
could be down there for you.
Listen, Frasier,
I'm human. I made a mistake.
Can you understand that?
Oh, of course I can
understand, Sheila.
And I sympathize.
I've had many patients
that share your affliction,
although to date you're
the only one I've met
that can hit the emergency button
of an elevator with a stiletto heel.
I want you to know
that I love Sam,
and I'm going to
do everything I can
to make this marriage work.
Well, you certainly do
seem sincere about this.
I think, in all good conscience,
I can support this marriage,
but I want you to know
if you start to feel yourself
slipping, here's my number.
No, no, no... so I can
help you as a psychiatrist.
Thank you.
Oh, and...
I think it's probably best
that if we don't tell
Sam about the two of us.
Agreed.
It's not that I have a guilty
conscience or anything.
I'm back.
Yaahh!
You all right?
Got a little charley horse, Sam.
Did you get the tickets, Sam?
Yeah, I did.
They're... they're right here.
I'm so happy.
By this time tomorrow,
we'll be Mr. and
Mrs. Sam Malone.
Yeah. Uh...
Listen, I want to
talk to you about that.
Um... Frasier said
something the other day
that really stuck in my mind.
Well, that's a first.
What did I say?
You know, that thing about
honesty being something
of something...
It was pro-honesty.
Being the-the cornerstone
of a good relationship?
Right, right. Yeah, well,
that really stuck in my mind.
Uh...
To tell you the truth, I haven't
really been honest with you, Sheila.
What do you mean?
It's just, when we get married,
I want us to have a clean slate,
sweetheart, you know?
Boy, I hope you can... I hope
you can forgive me for this
but a few months
ago, I had a slip.
Actually it was two slips,
but they happened
simultaneously,
so I'm counting it as one.
Was this after you were engaged?
Uh, actually it was that night.
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Listen, it has not
happened since,
and I swear to God, it
will not happen again.
Sam, I forgive you.
You do?
Actually I'm relieved
because I have something
that I need to confess to you.
You're not the only
one who... slipped.
I think it's time you
guys had a little privacy.
No, no, Frasier,
you're responsible
for getting us this far.
Now, we have no secrets.
All right.
Who?
Well, that's what
makes it so tough.
It was someone from Cheers.
Well, you know, I
just remembered.
I parked in a loading
zone. I'd better...
Sam, I slept with Paul.
Paul?
Short?
Bald?
Fat?
Paul?
I didn't say he was good.
Well, you know, all
right, I understand that.
You were giving Paul a
break or something, you know?
And I can forgive that.
This is what this is all
about, isn't it? Forgiveness.
Yes, yes, okay, okay,
you told one, you told one.
That's great, we're all
even-Steven! Let's go eat.
There was someone else.
What, are we still on this?!
Geez, I mean, there is honesty,
and there's beating
a dead horse!
It doesn't matter. I don't care.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Yes, it, yes, it
does matter, Sam.
I mean, this one is
really embarrassing.
I was lonely, I was desperate
and I'd just been
to the eye doctor
and my pupils were dilated.
Oh, Sheila, for God's sake!
Oh, look, I'll tell him.
What she's trying to say is...
It was Cliff.
I believe she said "Cliff."
Cliff?
Cliff? You...?
You slept with Cliff?!
Cliff?!
Oh, my...!
No, that's it!
Wedding's off!
Cliff?! Oh, God!
( door slamming)
Frasier, you've got to help me.
You've got to talk to him.
I slept with a woman
who slept with Cliff?
Oh, boy, this is going
to be a long flight home.
Well, I know it
was painful, Sam,
but you made the right decision.
Yeah, I suppose.
Geez, Cliff!
Well, you're just using
Cliff as the excuse.
We both know there were
more compelling reasons
for you to back
out of this thing.
Hmm...
No, it was Cliff.
You know, Sam, to put this
thing aside once and for all, I...
Do you realize you're
probably the only friend I have
who she didn't sleep with?
( chuckling weakly): Cliff.
That is a tough
one to swallow, huh?
( sighs)
But you know, the
important thing is that
you proved to yourself
you're ready for a commitment
even if Sheila wasn't the one.
Yeah, I suppose so.
You know, in a way, we're...
both in the same boat.
Yeah? What do you mean?
Well, you know... we've tried,
we've failed,
but we'll try again.
Sam, we're looking for a
meaningful relationship.
Yeah, you know, that's it.
That's the word right
there, "meaningful."
We're gonna find it,
though, buddy, I tell you.
You bet we will.
You know, stewardesses
usually hang out
at that airport bar.
That says meaningful to me.
( jazz plays)
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Thank you!
Don't forget, Bob "Bulldog"
Brisco is up next and...
Oh, yes.
This is KACL Cash Call Week.
$5,000 if you answer your
phone with the phrase that pays.
So, when your phone
rings, don't say "hello," say:
Well, blow me down!
No, no, no, no.
Just, uh, say, uh,
KACL is the talk
of the town.
Talk of Seattle,
whatever. Bye-bye.
Sam... Sam!
Hey.
Oh, my God!
Well, what are
you doing in town?
Well, actually, I'm here
interviewing for a job.
The Mariners need
a... pitching coach,
and they gave me a call.
They did? Yeah.
Oh, I mean that's great, but...
Well, come on in, come on.
This is all right?
You're off the air?
Oh, yeah, it's fine.
Fras, I got to go.
Your messages are on my desk...
Whoa.
Who is this?
I, uh...
I'm Sam Malone.
I was a buddy of
Frasier's in Boston.
Oh.
This is Roz Doyle.
So, this is the Sam Malone
you've always talked about.
The one who has
no respect for women
and treats them like dirt?
Need anyone to show
you around Seattle?
Well, you know,
to tell you the truth,
I'm all right with the city,
but I get real lost
in my hotel room.
FRASIER: Oh, boy.
Just look at the two
of you face-to-face.
I imagine wild animals
all over the Northwest
are lifting their heads,
alerted to the scent.
Good-bye, Roz.
Well, if you need any
company, give me a call.
Here's my number. Oh, thanks.
That's a snazzy card.
Yes, it glows in the dark.
So do I.
So, uh, how's
everybody at Cheers?
Yeah, oh, wow.
Uh, well, let's see...
You know that Rebecca
finally married that plumber?
Yeah.
It's ironic, isn't it?
You know, she
spends all her energy
trying to land some rich guy.
She ends up with
an ordinary plumber.
Well, yeah, that ordinary
plumber struck gold.
He's got a patent on
some low-flow toilet thing.
I mean, he's rich beyond
her wildest dreams.
Well, heck, I'm happy for her.
Well, don't be... he dumped her.
Oh...
Yeah, she's back at the bar.
Working at Cheers again?
No, she's just back at the bar.
Hey, you know, here's
some good news:
Woody and Kelly, they
had, they had a baby boy.
Oh, that is wonderful!
Is he...?
No, he's smart. He's smart.
Genetics takes a
holiday, huh? Well...
So, Sam, you want to
continue this over some lunch?
Yeah, I'd like that.
So, Norm and Cliff
still holding up the bar?
Well, Norm is, but Cliff
hasn't been in for a while.
Evidently, he read this article
about flesh-eating bacteria,
and he hasn't left his
mom's house since.
But, you know, there's a
good side to that, though,
'cause a lot of people
who haven't been
around for a while
are starting to come
back to the bar again.
Oh!
( dishes clattering)
MARTIN: Hey, Daph, Sam
was a major-league ballplayer.
Put out the good china.
Oh, yes, and while you're at it,
don't forget the
Limoges spittoon.
Well, as far as I'm concerned,
Sam Malone's the
most important person
ever to set foot
in this apartment.
I don't understand this American
obsession with sports figures.
They're all so superficial.
Yeah, it's not like they
do anything real important
like sit on a throne
or christen ships.
Hey, Niles, why didn't
you bring Maris tonight?
I'm supposed to ask
Maris to spend an evening
with a baseball player?
( chuckles)
Why don't I just ask
her to rub my shoulders?
Here we are, sir.
Whoa, wow, look at this.
Man, you got quite
a babe magnet here.
Oh, please.
Oh, Sam Malone!
Hey, I'm Marty Crane.
I'm one of your biggest fans.
Yeah, I was at the Kingdome
the night you gave up
four consecutive home runs.
I bet you remember
that, don't you?
Well, actually, I don't.
You see, that was
during my drinking phase.
Did I... Did I hit anybody?
Did I hurt them? No.
Oh. Hey, well, then,
that was a good game!
( hearty laugh)
Hey, Sam, this is my chair.
You want to sit in it?
Oh... uh, yeah,
well, maybe later.
Oh.
I'll keep it warm for you.
FRASIER: Uh, oh, Sam, this is
my brother, Dr. Niles Crane.
Pleasure to meet you.
Oh, yeah, you, too.
Wow. Man, this is freaky.
He looks just... just like
you did when I met you.
What happened, huh?
Wasn't exactly a health club
you were running there, Sam.
This is strange,
I got to tell you.
See, I didn't, I didn't
know he had a brother.
Frasier, I don't
mind telling you
I'm a little offended
that in all the time
you spent swapping bon
mots with the beer-nut set,
you never once mentioned
you had a brother?!
You know, the truth is,
I bet he said something.
It's just that when
Frasier gets going,
you kind of have
to tune him out.
( Martin laughs) That's a
good slogan for his radio show.
"Dr. Frasier Crane:
When he gets going,
you have to tune him out."
Hey, what did he tell
you about me, Sam?
The father, the old cop?
Uh... he told me you were dead.
Dead?
Well, we had had an argument.
You called me a stuffed shirt
and hung up on me. I was mad.
You're a cop? Yeah.
You told me he was
a research scientist.
You were dead!
What did it matter?
( clears throat)
Hello.
Oh, oh, oh, Daphne.
Daphne, this is Sam Malone.
Sam, this is Daphne Moon,
Dad's physical therapist.
Well, it's a pleasure
to meet you.
Daphne's from England.
Yeah, yeah, boy, I've
always been a sucker
for the English accent.
No matter what you say, it
always sounds so-so classy
and-and sophisticated.
( girlish giggles and
flustered gibberish)
See what I mean?
That kills me every time.
Hey, let me get that for you.
A pretty lady like
you shouldn't spend
her whole evening
in the kitchen.
( giggling): Oh!
( flustered murmuring)
Is it my imagination,
or is Sam flirting with Daphne?
Of course he's
flirting with her.
He flirts with everybody.
He can't help it, he's
a sexual compulsive.
But he's getting help
for it in a support group.
( Daphne tittering)
( chuckling)
Did he miss a meeting?
( phone rings)
Hello?
You'd like to speak
to Sam? Well...
( whispering): Who is it?
Who's calling, please?
Sheila.
Mm-mmm...
Number two.
Yes, well, he's
not here right now,
but I'm expecting him soon.
No, number two!
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I was mistaken.
He was here, but he... he left.
Uh... well, yes, I'll
give him the message.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, Sam.
I'm a little out of practice.
So... who's Sheila?
Just the, uh, woman
I'm supposed to marry.
Marry? When?
Uh, oh, boy.
Um, yesterday.
Yesterday.
Yeah. I don't want to
talk about it, Frasier.
But Sam...
Fras, please? Just...
Oh, wow, hey, something
sure smells yummy here.
Oh, wait a second.
I think it's me.
Ooh...
( giggling)
The smell... and I thought...
( giggling)
Come on, Sam, one more.
All right, all right, let's see.
1949 Yankees, initials V.R.
Vic Raschi.
Oh, man, you're great.
You know, he's amazing.
All you have to do
is give him the city
the date and the
initials, gets it every time.
That's very similar to a
game Frasier and I play.
Oh, oh, oh, I'll go first.
1962, Prague Philharmonic,
viola section, initials C.M.
Czeslaw Mclicvic.
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
No, no, no, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
Mclicvic was first
viola the year before,
but by '62, he'd
developed Rosin poisoning
and was no longer able to pluck.
Oh, damn! That's
a trick question!
MARTIN: Well, I'm off to bed.
Thanks, Sam.
The chair's all yours.
Come on.
All right.
( chuckling)
Oh, yeah!
Yeah, that's very...
that's very nice.
'Night, all.
FRASIER and Niles:
Good night, Dad.
I'll be turning in, too.
Pleasant dreams.
( chuckling): Well,
no problem there.
Well, guess I'd better be
getting back to my Maris.
If the clock strikes, 12:00,
and she hasn't felt my
kiss upon her forehead,
she gets nervous.
Sam, it's been a
pleasure meeting you.
Yeah, yeah, you, too.
Hey, listen, you want to really
put a smile on Maris's face,
here, let me tell
you what you do.
Exactly where am
I supposed to find
whipped cream and a
car battery at this hour?
You got neighbors, don't you?
Well, Sam, now that
everybody's gone,
there was something
I wanted to bring up.
I just... What, what
is it? What is it?
Oh, yes, yes, I remember!
What the hell do you mean
you were about to get married?
All right, all right.
Uh, well, I met this
girl six months ago,
and we were
supposed to get married.
And yesterday I was
standing in this church,
facing this minister,
and I hear him say,
"Will you take this
woman to be your wife?"
And I said, "Who, me?"
And the next thing you know,
I'm running down the aisle.
I didn't stop
running till I got here.
Oh, you're not in Seattle
because of the Mariners?
Believe me, no
ballplayer is in Seattle
because of the Mariners.
All right, all right,
look, look, Sam, come,
let's, let's have
a seat here and...
start this thing from
the very beginning.
Now... who is this woman?
Gosh, she's a terrific person.
She's smart, she's
funny. She's horny.
I mean, she's just
the kind of chick
you want to stick
up on a pedestal.
You know, Sam, it's
always amazed me
how you can elevate and
demean in the same sentence.
What?
Forget it, just...
Well, how do you think
she found me here? I mean...
Well, it's my guess, Sam,
that you left a lot of clues
as to where you were
because, basically,
you wanted her to find you.
I have a feeling that...
you actually... want
to marry this girl.
Yeah, I-I don't know...
Look, look, Sam, all that
happened was you panicked.
It's, it's perfectly
natural, you know.
The wedding ceremony
represents the end of your old life.
I tell you, man, she's
one in a million, you know?
You know, for most guys,
that's just an expression.
( both laughing)
You know, Sam, I... I
have a feeling that you're...
you're finally ready for
a commitment like this.
I think you ought to get
on that phone and call her.
What would I say to her, though?
Well, just tell her
you panicked and ran.
Tell her the truth.
I mean, after all,
honesty is the cornerstone
of a healthy relationship.
Hey, you know, thank you.
You know, it's time I
stepped up to the plate
and stopped acting like a kid.
Absolutely. Geez, the
only question now is,
will she still take you back?
( laughing)
Oh.
( laughs)
( crowd murmuring)
ROZ: She actually forgave him?
Yes, yes. More than that,
she's on her way here
in a plane right now.
They're gonna get
married in Hawaii.
Same old story.
Love triumphs over Roz.
Oh, Roz,
don't be a sore
loser, will you, please?
I invited them here on
their way in from the airport.
I remember my wedding day...
Standing at the altar,
feeling faint, shaky, sweating.
Maris was so distraught,
thinking I might have cold feet.
I'll never forget how
relieved she was
to learn it was just a
congenital heart murmur
that would plague me
for the rest of my life.
SAM: Hey, everybody.
Oh, Sam, Sam.
Here she is, the future
Mrs. Sam Malone.
Sheila, this is Frasier.
Hello, Frasier, it's
nice to finally meet you.
Sheila, likewise.
This is Roz and Niles.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Well, you want to sit down?
I'll get us some
coffee or something.
You know, actually, Sam,
it was sort of a long flight.
I was hoping maybe to go
back to the hotel and freshen up.
Well, all right. Whatever.
Hey, will you join us
for dinner about 8:00?
Sure. Right. Right.
Great. All right.
Well, I guess we're
off to freshen up a little.
Oh, my God.
She was cute, but she's
not an "Oh, my God."
No, no, no.
Not that "Oh, my God".
Oh, my God, I slept with
that woman three months ago.
ROZ: You slept with her?
Yes.
On what desert island
with no hope of
rescue was this?!
I was...
I was in Boston
for a long weekend.
I was feeling a
little depressed,
so I took solace in the
arms of a... a beautiful
and remarkably welcoming
young woman at a hotel bar.
And that was she?
No, Niles. I told you that
for absolutely no
reason whatsoever.
Of course it was she!
Did you see the way
she ran out of here
the minute she saw me?
Ah, yes, the trademark
of all your bedmates.
Wait a minute.
Three months ago?
Didn't Sam say they'd
been together for six months?
Well, it looks like this
horse race is on again.
Oh, put the weapon down!
Stop it, Roz!
Have you no scruples whatsoever?
You're the one who slept
with your friend's fiancée.
Well, I didn't know
that at the time!
Surely you have to
tell Sam about this.
Oh, what and ruin our
relationship as well as theirs?!
What I've got to do is actually
I've got to speak to her first.
Hear her side of this story.
I mean, there are hundreds of
reasons why people have affairs.
Roz, want to get us started?
FRASIER: Niles.
There's got to be
some explanation.
Maybe they stopped
seeing each other
for a couple of weeks.
Maybe Sam cheated on her
and she was just doing
it to get even with him.
Who knows? Maybe she just
found me completely irresistible.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Oh, all-all right.
You struck gold there, Frasier!
( knock at door)
Hello, Frasier.
Hello, Sheila.
Good to see you again.
Sam, you are one lucky guy!
He's out getting our
plane tickets. Oh, good.
Look, you have some
explaining to do, young lady!
Okay, okay. Wine?
No, thank you.
Look...
first of all, I know this
doesn't excuse what I did,
but I had no idea that
you were a friend of Sam's.
I'm a sexual compulsive.
That's... how Sam
and I met... in group.
Look...
that night I spent with you,
I guess I just kind
of fell off the wagon.
What I did was terrible.
I felt awful afterwards.
It ended up being a kind of a
a turning point for me.
That's how it is with addiction.
Before you get better,
you have to hit rock bottom.
Yes. Well... I'm glad I
could be down there for you.
Listen, Frasier,
I'm human. I made a mistake.
Can you understand that?
Oh, of course I can
understand, Sheila.
And I sympathize.
I've had many patients
that share your affliction,
although to date you're
the only one I've met
that can hit the emergency button
of an elevator with a stiletto heel.
I want you to know
that I love Sam,
and I'm going to
do everything I can
to make this marriage work.
Well, you certainly do
seem sincere about this.
I think, in all good conscience,
I can support this marriage,
but I want you to know
if you start to feel yourself
slipping, here's my number.
No, no, no... so I can
help you as a psychiatrist.
Thank you.
Oh, and...
I think it's probably best
that if we don't tell
Sam about the two of us.
Agreed.
It's not that I have a guilty
conscience or anything.
I'm back.
Yaahh!
You all right?
Got a little charley horse, Sam.
Did you get the tickets, Sam?
Yeah, I did.
They're... they're right here.
I'm so happy.
By this time tomorrow,
we'll be Mr. and
Mrs. Sam Malone.
Yeah. Uh...
Listen, I want to
talk to you about that.
Um... Frasier said
something the other day
that really stuck in my mind.
Well, that's a first.
What did I say?
You know, that thing about
honesty being something
of something...
It was pro-honesty.
Being the-the cornerstone
of a good relationship?
Right, right. Yeah, well,
that really stuck in my mind.
Uh...
To tell you the truth, I haven't
really been honest with you, Sheila.
What do you mean?
It's just, when we get married,
I want us to have a clean slate,
sweetheart, you know?
Boy, I hope you can... I hope
you can forgive me for this
but a few months
ago, I had a slip.
Actually it was two slips,
but they happened
simultaneously,
so I'm counting it as one.
Was this after you were engaged?
Uh, actually it was that night.
I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Listen, it has not
happened since,
and I swear to God, it
will not happen again.
Sam, I forgive you.
You do?
Actually I'm relieved
because I have something
that I need to confess to you.
You're not the only
one who... slipped.
I think it's time you
guys had a little privacy.
No, no, Frasier,
you're responsible
for getting us this far.
Now, we have no secrets.
All right.
Who?
Well, that's what
makes it so tough.
It was someone from Cheers.
Well, you know, I
just remembered.
I parked in a loading
zone. I'd better...
Sam, I slept with Paul.
Paul?
Short?
Bald?
Fat?
Paul?
I didn't say he was good.
Well, you know, all
right, I understand that.
You were giving Paul a
break or something, you know?
And I can forgive that.
This is what this is all
about, isn't it? Forgiveness.
Yes, yes, okay, okay,
you told one, you told one.
That's great, we're all
even-Steven! Let's go eat.
There was someone else.
What, are we still on this?!
Geez, I mean, there is honesty,
and there's beating
a dead horse!
It doesn't matter. I don't care.
It doesn't matter who it is.
Yes, it, yes, it
does matter, Sam.
I mean, this one is
really embarrassing.
I was lonely, I was desperate
and I'd just been
to the eye doctor
and my pupils were dilated.
Oh, Sheila, for God's sake!
Oh, look, I'll tell him.
What she's trying to say is...
It was Cliff.
I believe she said "Cliff."
Cliff?
Cliff? You...?
You slept with Cliff?!
Cliff?!
Oh, my...!
No, that's it!
Wedding's off!
Cliff?! Oh, God!
( door slamming)
Frasier, you've got to help me.
You've got to talk to him.
I slept with a woman
who slept with Cliff?
Oh, boy, this is going
to be a long flight home.
Well, I know it
was painful, Sam,
but you made the right decision.
Yeah, I suppose.
Geez, Cliff!
Well, you're just using
Cliff as the excuse.
We both know there were
more compelling reasons
for you to back
out of this thing.
Hmm...
No, it was Cliff.
You know, Sam, to put this
thing aside once and for all, I...
Do you realize you're
probably the only friend I have
who she didn't sleep with?
( chuckling weakly): Cliff.
That is a tough
one to swallow, huh?
( sighs)
But you know, the
important thing is that
you proved to yourself
you're ready for a commitment
even if Sheila wasn't the one.
Yeah, I suppose so.
You know, in a way, we're...
both in the same boat.
Yeah? What do you mean?
Well, you know... we've tried,
we've failed,
but we'll try again.
Sam, we're looking for a
meaningful relationship.
Yeah, you know, that's it.
That's the word right
there, "meaningful."
We're gonna find it,
though, buddy, I tell you.
You bet we will.
You know, stewardesses
usually hang out
at that airport bar.
That says meaningful to me.
( jazz plays)
♪ Hey, baby, I hear
the blues are callin' ♪
♪ Tossed salads
and scrambled eggs ♪
Mercy.
♪ And maybe I
seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but
I got you pegged ♪
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed
salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again. ♪
Thank you!